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Before Marriage Spouse

Successful Marriages: Part I

Lecture by Suhaib Webb  | Transcribed by Fuseina Mohamad

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

We begin in the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. We ask Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (the Exalted and Glorified) to send His Peace and Blessings upon the Prophet salla Allahu `alayhi wa sallam (may Allah bless him and grant him peace).

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Life without a spouse is a massive, massive test, so we ask Allah to make it easy for all of us, insha’Allah.  This topic is an important topic and our scholars (especially in Egypt) study something called mantiq.  Mantiq, which is logic, is a hot topic.  And in logic we have two important concepts [to understand] in order to go into what’s called the hadd, or the definition of something.  The most important is at-tasawwur (conceptualization).  The person conceptualizes what they’re going into first and foremost.

So just a few points about marriage; and if I contradict my elder, I ask Allah to forgive me. He’s my Sheikh, my teacher.  But in our community we need unity – not uniformity of course.  And that is that, number one, when we talk about marriage – when we entertain the idea of marriage, we have to be careful of not having a utopist vision.  We have to be very cautious that we do not look at marriage as this perfect entity, that you’re going to find no mistakes, like a Disney movie…just perfect [where] even the bad things turn out, masha’Allah (as Allah wills), as a fairy tale narrative.  It is very important that we realize marriage is organic and human.  It is not an ideal, but a very real situation.

And that’s why in the Qur’an, Allah azza wajal (the Exalted) said mawadah (love) and rahma (mercy). In Surat Ar-Rum, Allah says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (30:21). But at the same time, in the Qur’an we find the issue of nushuz (rebellion or disobedience).  In the fourth chapter of the Qur’an, Allah addresses if a woman gets out of line; how a man should interact with his wife if she goes beyond the bounds that are considered normative within Islam.  Also, we find in the Qur’an that Allah advises the woman how to handle this situation. Allah says to the men, “…And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good” (4:19).

How many of us like everything about our wives?  How many of us like everything about our husbands? Man, my wife can write a mawsu’a (encyclopedia) on things she doesn’t like about my personality. Allah mentions if there is something you don’t like about your wife, be patient because perhaps there’s good in it.

The Qur’an also mentions divorce.  Most people who memorize the Qur’an, [people are] going to ask you first [to] read the verses of inheritance; after that, is the verses of divorce.  Three full pages in Surat Al-Baqarah [are] devoted to the mechanism of divorce.  We also have a chapter called Al-Talaaq (Divorce).

I remember once I came to the mosque, and a brother was in the mosque, and he looked very sad.  He said, “Akhi (brother), just open the Qur’an and put your fingers somewhere, I need to read something.  I’m having problems with my wife.” I had just become Muslim, so I was kind of naïve, you know.  So I opened the Qur’an, I put my finger somewhere, and it was on Surah Al-Talaq.  I said, “Look brother, it has another name also, it’s called Surat Al-Nisaa (Women). Maybe we can go with that name?”

But the reality is that the Qur’an deals with reality.  So the Qur’an presents happy marriage, but at the same time the Qur’an recognizes there might be problems. We have to understand that marriage is an investment.  It’s an investment.  And it’s not easy.  Let’s be honest, it’s not easy.  We have to be careful.

Once I was giving a speech about brotherhood in my younger days when I was an ideologue and I was saying, “Brotherhood is perfect.  We love each other.  We never fight.  We never have any problems…alhamdulillah (all praise is to Allah)!” Then, Dr. Ingrid Mattison spoke after me.  She said, “Jazak Allahu Khayr (may Allah grant goodness) for our young brother here who’s full of ideals.  But think about how you lived with your brothers.” It was far from ideal.  I hit my brother with a broom once!  We got into a fight one time in the front yard. But how do we act after that is what defines us as brothers.  We’re going to fight, we’re going to have problems, and we’re going to have difficulties.  I will yell at my wife.  You will yell at your husband.  But how do you differ, how do you handle that?  That’s what makes marriage, marriage.

So we have to be very cautious here that we don’t define marriage as something that’s utopist.  It’s not. The first year [is difficult].  Oh man.  Why?  Because we are not used to sharing.  We are not used to having, as the Sheikh mentioned, “we” instead of “me.”

So I’ll mention, after that brief important point, five reasons for major pitfalls that can be applied to new couples, future couples, and old-school couples.

Next Post - “Problem Number One: Let’s Copy My Parents”

About the author

Suhaib Webb

Suhaib Webb is a contemporary American-Muslim educator, activist, and lecturer. His work bridges classical and contemporary Islamic thought, addressing issues of cultural, social and political relevance to Muslims in the West. After converting to Islam in 1992, Webb left his career in the music industry to pursue his passion in education. He earned a Bachelor’s in Education from the University of Central Oklahoma and received intensive private training in the Islamic Sciences under a renowned Muslim Scholar of Senegalese descent. Webb was hired as the Imam at the Islamic Society of Greater Oklahoma City, where he gave khutbas (sermons), taught religious classes, and provided counselling to families and young people; he also served as an Imam and resident scholar in communities across the U.S.

From 2004-2010, Suhaib Webb studied at the world’s preeminent Islamic institution of learning, Al-Azhar University, in the College of Shari`ah. During this time, after several years of studying the Arabic Language and the Islamic legal tradition, he also served as the head of the English Translation Department at Dar al-Ifta al-Misriyyah.

Outside of his studies at Al-Azhar, Suhaib Webb completed the memorization of the Quran in the city of Makkah, Saudi Arabia. He has been granted numerous traditional teaching licenses (ijazat), adhering to centuries-old Islamic scholarly practice of ensuring the highest standards of scholarship.

Webb was named one of the 500 Most Influential Muslims in the World by the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center in 2010 and his website, www.SuhaibWebb.com, was voted the best “Blog of the Year” by the 2009 Brass Crescent awards.

Suhaib Webb has lectured extensively around the world including in the Middle East, East Asia, Europe, North Africa and North America. Upon returning from his studies in Egypt, Webb lived in the Bay Area, California, where he worked with the Muslim American Society from Fall 2010 to Winter 2011. He currently serves as the Imam of the Islamic Society of Boston’s Cultural Center (ISBCC).

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