Every person has a different marriage experience and sometimes, it may turn sour. When words of divorce are spoken, it can often lead to incredibly painful emotions. In this narrative, a woman describes the way she grappled with her emotions through patience and prayer, and what she realized about her husband, and her marriage, in the end.
“Leave…Go away…I have no feelings towards you! I am just waiting for the right time to divorce you!”
These were the words my husband spoke to me which sliced through my heart like a dagger.
We had a beautiful relationship and two sweet kids… What made him say this? Yes, life was not all too smooth. There had been many hitches… but did that lead to this?! I was shattered, my world shrunk, my soul constricted.
A thousand thoughts crossed my mind, searching for reasons, wanting answers… What he had said didn’t sound good enough. I was not convinced and I was not leaving. Anyway he had just threatened it, not actually divorced me. I didn’t have to leave. It was still my choice, and I chose to stay.
Over the days, I would ponder what caused this indifference. Not finding any answers, I would cry myself to sleep.
Meanwhile he was distant, uncompromising, never ever glancing towards me, so lost in his own devices. In a different world.
Days turned to weeks then to months and then years. I held on, reproached him, approached him, pleaded, distanced myself, shut out all emotions, prayed, lived mechanically.
Slowly the answers tumbled out: “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m in deep trouble, something which I can’t even discuss, something from which there’s no way out, at least from where I see it… I want you to be safe, the kids to be safe and happy and live.”
In the dead of the night, turning in prayer to his Lord, he would plant a kiss on my forehead not knowing I was aware, awake, that his every waking moment would stir me. He wanted me there as much as he wanted me to go away. But he could not think of any better solution. He felt there was no way out. Where he was headed towards seemed to be a one-way road.
Then it dawned so clear—this was the truth behind the facade. He actually loved me, loved the kids more than I could even imagine. So much so that he was willing to separate himself from us for our safety, our happiness, our lives. He knew I would not leave him, not abandon him out of fear, and hence chose to distance me, separate me.
AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) my Lord is He who has power over all things.
I stayed on, held on, du`a’ (prayer) kept me going. AlhamdulilLah I got to experience that unflinching love, that selfless love of my hubby. I did not know what a marriage was when I got married. From my better half, I learned that it was all about taking responsibility and putting family first, against all odds.”
*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@SuhaibWebb.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.