Numerous examples exist in the Islamic tradition of single parents who successfully raised children to become strong individuals. These individuals then left a legacy for humanity which shines more brightly, specifically because of being raised by single parents.  Hajar, the mother of Prophet Ismail (pbuh), Maryam, the mother of Prophet Isa (pbuh), and Amina, the mother of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), all raised their sons alone due to different circumstances. They all put their trust in Allah and worked hard to be the best parents they could be to their children. Also, the mothers of Imam al-Shafi’, Imam Ahmed and Imam Bukhari raised their sons alone, all of whom later became renowned figures that left a major impact on the world. The reality is that single Muslim parents do exist today. They need support as they strive to raise resilient Muslim children for the future.

Children raised by single parents thrive in homes where there is stability, safety, love, and consistency.  A single parent that is committed to providing loving discipline will create an environment for the child to truly flourish.  Raising secure and successful children requires single parents to confidently implement the following parenting skills.

Discipline

Sometimes single parents may feel guilty or overwhelmed by their parenting duties, so they resort to weak enforcement or bending of “rules” in order to make their child happy and reduce potential conflict. Some parents may compensate for the absence of the other parent by being permissive in their parenting style. Single parents must be careful to not allow children to dismiss rules set by the parent or to become their “friends.”  Setting boundaries for children creates much needed structure in all households (single and dual) because children want to know that their parent has rules and has set limits and expectations.  Boundaries also create a sense of safety for a child because the roles of the parent and child have been clearly established. Parental limits teach the child to respect the parent and solidify their role in the family.

Consistency

Children dealing with a divorce or a death will crave stability as they adjust to their new life with one parent. Establishing routines, schedules and traditions are important for children when adjusting to a new family dynamic. A child wants to know what to expect and look forward to on a daily basis.  Consistency in everyday routines gives the child(ren) a feeling of security and stability. Focusing on creating morning routines, weekly schedules and dinners together are small ways that single parents can create constancy for their child. Availability by the parent in terms of attention and physical presence will assure the child(ren) a sense of belonging. Also, creating new traditions and memories during holidays and special occasions reaffirms the new family identity.

Emotional Support

Single parents and their children may struggle with various feelings and emotions surrounding their new family structure. The parent and child may struggle with changes and upheavals in their life, and may share with one another the challenges of the new family structure. Parents need to listen and truly hear their child(ren) when  they share their thoughts and feelings.  Parents must not make disparaging comments about the other parent as a means to gain the sympathy of the child(ren). Despite common stress, parents must not turn to their child for emotional support nor burden them with the personal struggles they encounter.  Parents must turn to their social circles and confide in other adults and friends only.  Confiding worries or complaining to a child is inappropriate, regardless of the level of maturity of the child. It is extremely detrimental to children to absorb the thoughts and feelings of their parents. Children need to remain children and should not become a “friend” or “therapist” to the parent. Parents who feel stressed, depressed, anxious or lonely, should seek professional guidance or support from other adults as they adjust to single parenthood.

It takes a Village

Single parents will need help and support with the endless tasks and responsibilities of raising the child(ren) . This requires being comfortable asking for help from family and friends. Seeking support with childcare, such as carpooling, help in case of emergencies, or schedule conflicts at work, will benefit single parents when they are stretched in multiple directions.  Creating a teamwork environment at home where the child(ren) have chores and responsibilities is also important so that the child(ren) understand their role in the family and feel like capable contributors.

Take Care of Yourself

Single parents work hard to care and provide for their children; many times, they neglect themselves or may feel guilty taking time away from their children.  However, it is necessary for parents to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Giving without replenishing will limit a parent’s ability to be their best.  Scheduling time for hobbies and enjoyable activities like reading, watching a movie, having coffee with a friend, etc. are ways parents can find personal fulfillment. Creating time to exercise, eat properly and focusing on prayer and reconnection to Allah will help with managing stress and living a more balanced life.  Developing a social network of close friends or other single parents will also empower parents so they do not feel alone in their journey.  Strong support systems can enable single parents to share and feel accepted by other adults who understand their context.  Ultimately the child(ren)’s emotional well-being hinges on the parent’s healthy and balanced lifestyle.

Single Muslim parents who have a positive attitude and express resiliency will model strong character to their children. Single parents must be kind to themselves and focus on doing their best.  They will not be “perfect” nor will they be able to fill the shoes of the second parent.  Being the best parent is being present and connected with your child(ren) in a manner that is loving and encouraging every day.  These are the most important things you can do as a parent, single or otherwise.

My son was nine months old when the tragedy of September 11^th unfolded and his views of terrorism and Muslims have been filled with naiveté.  He did not know anything about 9/11 until he was 8 years old when I began explaining the significance of 9/11. The conversations over the years have evolved into helping him understand what terrorism is, why Muslims were involved and what Islam teaches. He does not hold the same anxiety and preoccupation with the events of 9/11 because he has not personally experienced or felt the social and political impact.  Yet, as he gets older he will be exposed to more ideas through his school environment and will eventually witness racial and/or religious profiling and expressions of hate in the current social climate of the U.S.

Many non-Muslim children are able to understand the events of 9/11 as terrorism “by some bad people” who don’t look like them or share a belief system with them. However, for Muslim children the events of 9/11 are a little more perplexing because they were perpetuated by violent Muslims. This can cause confusion in Muslim children because the people who did something so horrible attribute themselves to the same religion. Terrorism in general is very difficult to understand in the first place, but terrorism perpetuated by Muslims is even more difficult to comprehend.

Sadly for many Muslim children, their first experience understanding 9/11 occurs at school on the playground, often when a classmate accuses them of being a terrorist. These children usually come home utterly confused with lots of questions.  Therefore, Muslim parents must reduce their personal anxiety and begin to discuss the events of 9/11 before their children come home confused.  Creating a safe and nurturing environment at home where difficult topics can be discussed is important for our children.  Empowering children with knowledge will help them understand the difference between their religion and the acts of these terrorists.

1.  Ask If (or where) they heard information about 9/11.  Then you can follow their lead and continue the discussion based on what they know, what they heard, what they ask, and what you think they really are asking.

2. Listen more, speak less. Listen beyond their questions to understand how they are feeling about what they are learning. Acknowledge their thoughts, feelings and reactions and assure them that their questions and concerns are important to you.

3. Be brief.  Children don’t want to hear a lecture. They just want a simplified version of the event and then they want to ask questions.  Keep your language simple and only use concepts they can understand.

4. Cater information to the child’s age. It is not beneficial to expose young children to the scary events of 9/11 because it will shake their sense of safety and they could confuse their own fears with the facts.  Most children after the age of seven can begin to understand the significance of 9/11 and parents can give them a general idea of what happened. Let children take the lead in how much information you share. Older children can handle more information than younger children, and parents should allow children to ask questions and not give them more information than they are asking.

You can begin with your 8 and 9 year old by saying something like: “Ten years ago something very sad happened in New York on September 11th.  Some bad people took over planes and chose to crash them into buildings causing a lot of people to die.  Everyone was shocked and scared when it happened.  Today, we are safe and people work hard to protect us so that it will never happen again. It was such an unusual and sad event that happened, that people always remember it.”

For children 10 years old and older who may ask more “Why?” questions such as “Why did this happen? “Why did Muslims do this?” “Why do people hate Muslims?” You could respond with something like: “These people were angry with how the government was treating people in the Middle East so they chose to express their feelings in a very inappropriate way, by hurting and scaring people here. They are called terrorists because they tried to scare people so they can feel more powerful; kind of like a bully.  The sad part is that these people said they were Muslims, but we know that Muslims should not hurt or scare other people, even if they are angry. They did something that is against what Allah teaches us and against the way we are supposed to solve problems. So, how do you think a Muslim is supposed to solve problems when they are frustrated? (let your child answer and help them with examples of proper behavior). The horrible way this small group of Muslims behaved was not what Allah teaches us. But the people who don’t know anything about Islam don’t realize that this is not what Muslims believe so because they are scared they sometimes say hateful things about all Muslims. Muslims want to live in peace and safety like everyone else and we have to be good to one another no matter what because we are all Allah’s creation.”

5. Reassure them they are safe.  Children are egocentric by nature and will want to understand how the events relate to their lives and safety. Reassure them that they are safe and remind them that people like firefighters and police officers work hard to keep us safe.  Encourage them also to pray to Allah to keep us all safe and healthy.

6. Turn off the T.V.  Younger children should not be exposed to violent images and news stories on the T.V. because it can be scary and overwhelming for them and it is developmentally inappropriate.  With older children, if you allow them to watch the news with you, be sure to discuss the images they see and allow them to ask questions.  However, exposing our children, especially younger children, to excessive violence and disturbing images can be psychologically damaging for them because they have more difficulty processing the images they see and ultimately are not able to move on as quickly as adults.

7. Be prepared for several conversations. Children often ask the same questions over again.  This is not because they are forgetful or because they are trying to frustrate you.  This is the way younger children seek reassurance.  As they process the information they learn from you and hear more information from their friends and classmates, they will develop new thoughts and questions that may cause insecurities about their identity or even general safety. Be open, so that your child can revisit the topic when they want to. Conversations don’t need to be serious “sit-down” moments.  In fact, they are most effective when you allow them to flow naturally during everyday situations, whenever the child expresses curiosity. Having “the talk” (whatever the topic may be) with our children is not an effective way of addressing their curiosities or building an open and comfortable space for communication. Discussing difficult topics in general, such as terrorism, must become an ongoing process as your child gets older.

Discussing the events of 9/11 will help your children understand the world they live in and reconcile the bad actions of some with the teachings of Islam.  They will also not feel apologetic or blameworthy because they understand the true teachings of their faith.  Once a child is old enough to understand the concept, there is nothing gained by hiding the fact that there are some Muslims who make really bad choices. The events of 9/11 and acts of terrorism in general are difficult enough for most adults to comprehend and even more difficult for children.  Parents must help their children make sense of terrorism by listening and responding to their children honestly and supporting their need for safety. Creating an open and honest environment to discuss difficult topics will help children develop a stronger bond with their parents and feel comfortable talking to them about anything.  Remember that children will learn about the events of 9/11 one way or another, either through playground conversations or by trying to listen in on adult conversations.  More often than not, information gained in these ways is inaccurate and not consistent with the understanding we want our children to get.  As the wise saying of Jafar As-sadiq goes: “endeavor to converse with your children, in case others who transgress and disobey get to them before you.” In other words, speak to your children before someone else does. Parents must be proactive and supportive teachers to their children by sharing with them the world in which they live and by developing open communication about difficult topics like terrorism and world events.

Welcoming Ramadan with sparkly decorations in our homes and the anticipation of iftar meals with family and friends are some of the things our children look forward to every year. As our children get older, we should seek to infuse these Ramadan festivities with a sense of spirituality that the month seeks to be for all Muslims young and old. Parents seek to balance the material with the spiritual aspects of Ramadan and one way to do this is by revealing the deeper meanings of the traditions and rituals children have come to expect.

REUTERS, Ali Jarekji

Time of Reflection

Children have an innate capacity for a deep spiritual connection to Allah and parents must provide space for this to happen through reflection and pondering.

Ramadan is an opportunity to help children to self-reflect. Children of most ages can begin with the question of “Why do we fast?” Help your children understand that fasting is more than being without food and water. It is a spiritual cleansing that comes through reflecting on our actions, life and creation. 

As children get old enough to fast, even for part of the day, they may also connect the pangs of hunger to the less fortunate throughout the world. Children should understand that fasting is not a punishment, but rather it is done willingly for the sake of Allah – It is a personal act of worship.

Older children may also reflect on what it means to forgive and be forgiven. As they enter adolescence, they can begin to reflect on their relationship with Allah and His Mercy. Giving children opportunities to ponder about Allah and providing space for them to develop a personal relationship with Allah will help them gain greater focus and a deeper meaning to the acts of worship performed throughout Ramadan.

Goal Setting for Acts of Worship & Character Development

Ramadan is an opportune time for setting goals so parents should have conversations with their children about the goals they would like to set with regard to fasting, praying and reading Qur’an. Children can keep journals or charts of their goals and achievements throughout the month. The “reward” for achieving their goals should be intrinsically motivated rather than rewarded with gifts from parents. Parents should allow space for their children to connect to their inner consciousness and choose to do good because it is most pleasing to Allah. These goals should also include developing character traits that they struggle with in their daily lives such as self-discipline. Parents can help children identify one or two personal qualities such as patience and responsibility that they would like to work on to improve their character. It is important when setting goals, that children take the lead on the types of achievements they would like to accomplish for themselves and be able to list specific examples such as not complaining as an example of patience or completing all chores without reminders as an example of responsibility. It would also be a great idea for parents to share their own goals with their children, so that personal improvement is a family activity. 

Younger children can be reminded that Ramadan is a good time to “practice” their responsibilities as a Muslim. Setting half-day fasting goals or skipping one meal (i.e. lunch or snack time) and breaking fast with the family are all ways younger children can practice fasting and can feel the spirit of Ramadan. Waking children up for Suhur (pre-dawn meal) can be seen as an exciting opportunity for a “midnight snack.” Additionally, asking children to help the family with preparing the iftar and saying the du`a’ (supplication) when breaking the fast are all ways children can be included in Ramadan traditions. It is important that the all of these goals be chosen by the child and not imposed by the parent so that the child can feel ownership and a stronger will for self-improvement.

Sharing & Discussing

As the month dedicated to the Qur’an, Ramadan is a wonderful time for families to read and learn together. Children, young and old, enjoy being read to so swap bedtime stories to include stories of the Prophets and narrations from the Qur’an. Families with older children can share messages from the Qur’an orally and discuss the meaning and its connection to their daily lives. An ideal time for these conversations would be before or after breaking the fast, while the family is together. This can be a family tradition that can extend beyond Ramadan into the rest of the year.

Encourage Generosity

Parents must provide ways to teach their children generosity; sharing with siblings and friends, and giving more during Ramadan. Most cities in the United States have food banks for the poor that always require donations and help packing the food for the needy. At home, families can pack lunches and distribute them to the homeless in their area or to a local shelter. You should encourage your family to volunteer with a homeless feeding in your hometown. One example is a nationwide effort known as Humanitarian Day, organized by the Ilm Foundation. Reports have shown that young adults who collect canned food and donate it personally to recipients instills a deeper connection with the concept of giving and improving others’ lives. 

Since Ramadan 2011 is in the summer months before school begins, parents can organize shoe and school supply drives for children in impoverished areas. When children help other children, they develop compassion toward their peers and an awareness of the plight of the less fortunate families in their own communities as well as those abroad.  As a way to develop an appreciation for the toys they receive on Eid, families should also participate in Eid toy drives that encourage children to danate new and used toys to the less fortunate. 

Prayers & Qur’an

In an effort to deepen their children’s spiritual connection to Allah, parents should encourage their children to pray more and read more Qur’an in Ramadan. As with other goals, it is best to encourage children to set their own daily goals for prayer and reading Qur’an.

For children who generally do not pray or have difficulty praying on time, Ramadan can be the time to encourage personal challenges to complete prayers on time. For children who may not read the Qur’an regularly, dedicate a small amount of time reading the text in Arabic or English with them, so that they can develop a connection to the Qur’an and its meaning. Reading Qur’an should be more than just a ritual for children and they should be helped to understand the message that Allah has given us in the Qur’an. For children older than ten, taraweeh prayers at the mosque should be encouraged. Praying in the mosque will help them feel connected to the community. Again, remember to let the children determine their own goal for taraweeh and do not force them to stay longer than they are comfortable.

Younger children generally do not benefit from taraweeh prayers in the mosque and many times they can be a distraction for parents and other adults who attend the mosque seeking a peaceful place to pray. An alternative for younger children are kid-centered iftars and qiyams at home. Parents can welcome families with small children to their home for the evening prayers and create an exciting experience for the children to pray their taraweeh without feeling like they are distracting the adults. Most children will see these “slumber parties” as nothing more than fun with their friends and family, but we cannot forget that connecting with friends and family is one of the many blessings Ramadan gives us.

Each family is unique and will adopt traditions that fit their family values. While the Ramadan traditions in our homes are largely impacted by culture, we as parents we must make Ramadan a special time for our children too, so that they can experience another opportunity to connect to Islamic traditions and develop deeper spiritual meaning to the rituals of Ramadan. 

The statistics of men abused by their wives is difficult to determine, but the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on “Intimate Partner Violence” (2003), found approximately 15% of domestic violence cases involve men as the victims. This statistic may be even higher because the abuse of men usually goes unreported. Oregoncounseling.org reports that 30-40% of domestic violence cases involve men being abused by women. The reality is that men report abuse less than women; even when they do report incidents, there is little support and scarce resources to help them.

Abused men also react differently and are treated differently by society than abused women. The impact of abuse towards husbands is less apparent and less likely to come to society’s attention. Sadly, for men who do report being abused, the people around them are usually surprised, and instead of dealing with the abuse, they may just minimize it or not believe them at all. Comments such as “you’re tough, a woman can’t hurt you” or “take it like a man” or “what did you do to upset her?” all lay blame on the man for the abuse and even suggest he should be able to “take the abuse” without complaining.

Abuse against men has some similarities and differences from how it manifests towards women. For both, physical abuse includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, striking with an object or using a weapon. Men are also quicker to resort to physical abuse in a relationship and are capable of more brutal physical assaults than woman.

Emotional abuse however, has very different effects on men and women. Calling a man a ‘coward’ or a ‘failure’ for example, is more psychologically humiliating than for a woman. Emotional abuse is an area where women are often more brutal than men and in most cases men are more affected by emotional torment than physical attacks. For a man, being mocked and humiliated in front of other men by his wife can be more devastating than being punched. Men may tolerate physical abuse from their wife because they feel they live up to the code of “never hitting a woman.” However, being humiliated by a woman is extremely devastating and can have far more severe consequences.

Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, and threats of physical violence. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and in some cases, even death.

Men in abusive relationships say they feel they “walk on eggshells” around their wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having an angry reaction. There are underlying psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent towards their husbands. According to Batteredmen.com, Borderline Personality Disorder is a diagnosis that is found primarily in women; 50% of abuse cases against men are associated with women who have Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and drug abuse.

Consider this case and see if you can find the early warning signs of abuse:

Adam met Aliya nine years ago when they were working together at the hospital. She was an incredibly smart nurse who was outgoing and got along with all the staff. Adam was an accomplished cardiologist who worked long hours and loved his profession. Adam was intrigued by Aliya and her quick wit; they had wonderful conversations and found they had a lot in common. Adam courted Aliya for six months and she repeatedly insisted that he needed to be a man and propose to her already. He loved her and so he asked her to marry him. As they began making plans for the wedding, Aliya got highly emotional and her short temper became more apparent. Adam wanted her to be happy and have the wedding of her dreams so he tried to defuse arguments by agreeing to her demands. He got used to expecting her mood swings when things didn’t work out the way she wanted, so he would try to avoid arguments with her.

Many times Adam felt he had to hide what he was really feeling so as not to upset Aliya. She usually blamed him for the way she reacted and told him she loved him so much that he made her act crazy some times. Because he knew she was insecure, he forgave her and constantly reassured her that he loved her. One night when he came home from the hospital, he found Aliya in the kitchen angry. She started yelling at him for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on his way home. She called him an idiot and an awful husband and said she could never rely on him to do anything for her. He began to apologize, but Aliya cut him off and continued to yell at him. She picked up a plate off the counter and threw it at him. He was shocked at her explosion and repeatedly tried to calm her down. She got angrier and slapped him for trying to control how she was feeling. Adam emotionally shut down and decided to walk away from the argument as she continued to yell obscenities at him. Adam felt like he couldn’t do anything right to make her happy.

He tried to talk to her family and friends about her behavior but everyone told him he just needed to be more understanding and patient. He tried to get her to go to counseling with him for their problems and she refused. She continued to blame him for being unhappy in the marriage and insisted he was the one who needed to change. Over the years, she would increasingly get frustrated with him and assume he was doing things to frustrate her on purpose. She would throw things at him, vases and knives, slap him, punch him, and shove him back. Adam began working longer at the hospital so that he didn’t have to go home and deal with her. He felt stuck in his marriage because he still felt sympathy towards Aliya since she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. Furthermore, he made a commitment to her when he married her that he was going to be her protector no matter what.

Why Do Men Stay?

Men stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They may feel that there is no way out, often ignoring the initial symptoms of an emotionally abusive spouse which may have quickly turned into a physically abusive relationship. Further men may be emotionally or financially dependent on their wives.. The idea of leaving the relationship may bring up feelings of anxiety or depression due to a fear of being alone or facing the stigma of separation. Instead of dealing with the feelings of being alone he will tell himself he just needs to be a better husband, assuming the blame in the relationship for not doing his part, and feeling that he deserves the abuse.

Men may carry forward unrealistic beliefs that they can and should do something to make the marriage bearable. Abused men with children may be afraid to leave because of threats from wives to abduct the children or not allowing fathers to see them. A man may also  fear  leaving the children alone with an abusive mother  as she may harm them too. The legal system cannot guarantee joint custody and so, in a weaker position, fathers could lose access to their children. Additionally, men may fear a bias in the legal system, which sides with the wife who might accuse him of abusing her – and the judge might believe her.

There is also a paternal reputation at stake as fathers may worry their wives will  tell his children that he is a bad person or that he does not love them. Often there is a worry of being stigmatized or labeled as “spineless,” or “wimps,” for being overly dependent on the woman. Abused men are usually too afraid to share or admit to others they are being abused because they fear it is a sign of losing their manhood.

Many men will simply stay in abusive relationships and “retreat” from the abuser by staying busy at work and coming home late. In order for a man to leave an abusive relationship, he needs to begin developing emotional independence. A man who stays in an abusive relationship feels like he “can’t be alone” as men depend on women to take care of them physically, emotionally and sexually. Learning independence and being comfortable alone will help a man grow emotionally. This growth will also help him stop the cycle of abuse by recognizing the patterns of abusive women.. Change is difficult, but when a man is ready to acknowledge the abuse and take action, he will be able to make a decision that is best for him and his family insha’Allah. Being alone and raising children alone can be a scary prospect, but once a man finds inner strength to do things differently in the relationship, he will be able to regain his self-worth and self- respect.

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. One resource is the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Phillip Cook. Abused men can also get support through private counseling services or they can contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women at www.dahmw.org.

Abuse is a topic that many Muslims shy away from because it is uncomfortable to tackle an issue that is complex and appears unsolvable.  Many times when I address the topic of marriage, I clarify that the strategies I suggest do not apply to abusive relationships. Yet, what I have learned is that people who are in abusive relationships don’t acknowledge the abuse and instead try to do everything to “fix” their marriage and resolve the unhappiness they feel.  Abusive relationships have a completely different dynamic and “marriage advice” cannot solve the problem of abuse. Sadly people do not understand that an abusive relationship is a dysfunctional relationship, therefore the only way the relationship can change is if both husband and wife get professional counseling because without intervention the abuse will only get worse and the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

Despite acknowledgements in our community that abuse does exist in Muslim homes, most victims and perpetrators of abuse claim that abuse happens to “other people,” in homes where there is “no taqwa (God-consciousness)” or abusers are those who are “uneducated.” However, abuse exists across all socio-economic levels, cultures, levels of education, and religiosity.  Abuse is a social problem that exists with young and old alike.  Patterns of abuse can be seen in young couples even before marriage as well as long-married couples with children.

At the heart of an abusive relationship is the concept of maintaining power and control over another person.  An abuser can be either a man or a woman, however statistically most abuse cases involve the male as the aggressor.  According the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on Intimate Partner Violence (2003), women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence and men for approximately 15%.  In this article, I will address women who are abused and in a subsequent article, I will address the issue of men who are abused.

How does abuse manifest itself? Many people think of abuse as a man throwing a woman across a room, punching and slapping her, leaving her with bruises.  This type of physical abuse is easy to recognize, yet there are several ways people are abused that are equally damaging and have negative consequences on the individual and the relationship. Abuse has many forms and that is why people may be reluctant or even unable to identify abuse.

Consider this example of one type of abuse before marriage.  See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.

Asma met Ahmed in the youth group.  He was a charismatic leader and she thought he was funny and smart. They liked each other and their parents knew that they might make a good match.  Asma and Ahmed communicated often via text and phone calls and Ahmed expressed that he cared a lot about her.  He was very chivalrous. Once when he saw another boy at school checking her out in the hallway, he told her that she had to protect herself and should dress more modestly so other guys wouldn’t check her out.   Asma found his concern for her very sweet. He would text her several times a day and ask her what she was doing and where she was going. He told her he wanted to marry her after they finished school and that he didn’t want any other guy even looking at her. She really liked him and wanted to be his wife. He gave her advice to stay away from friends who were a bad influence on her and would lead her astray.  Advice like this only reinforced her feelings that he cared a lot about her well-being and safety. One day after school, he offered to give her a ride home since it was raining.  She was so thankful to get out of the rain, she jumped into the car and headed toward her home.  As they drove and chatted about their day, he suddenly pulled the car over and leaned in and kissed her.  She was taken aback that he was so bold to kiss her, but she also felt thrilled that he liked her so much.  They didn’t say anything.  Her stomach had butterflies because she knew that good Muslim girls don’t kiss boys in cars, but she also reminded herself they would get married soon and he just couldn’t wait to be with her. Over time, he stole more kisses and when she told him she didn’t want to do that anymore because she thought it was wrong, he would get upset and feared she would leave him.  Out of fear he threatened that if she broke up with him, he would tell the whole world what she was doing with him and then she would never get married.  She was confused and scared; what if her parents found out? What if the community knew what she was doing?  She knew he loved her and cared about her so she succumbed to his demands.  She pleaded with him to get married, so they could make everything right, but he dismissed her feelings and told her that he would decide when the right time was to get married.  Asma loved Ahmed but she felt guilty about what their relationship had turned into, she just wanted to marry him and not sneak around to be with him. She couldn’t take it anymore, she told Ahmed they would have to stay away from each other until they were at least engaged. He was outraged because he thought she was teasing him on purpose so he threatened to rape her if she didn’t stay with him.  He reminded her that no man would ever want to marry her if word of what she had done got out.  She was his and he would never let her go. Asma felt scared and stuck; she didn’t know what to do.

Abuse is a violation of a person’s human and civil rights.  It follows a pattern of behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person.  This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another person. In Islam, abuse is not tolerated on any level, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) reminds us “He is the best amongst you who is the kindest towards his wives….”

Abuse can be economic, verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. According to mentalhelp.com the types of abuse are explained as follows:

Economic Abuse occurs when a person is prevented from getting or keeping a job, or the abuser takes the person’s income or money and does not let them know or have access to the family income. The abuser may also hide money from the family.

Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves ‘putdowns’ and name-calling intended to make a person feel they are unworthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If a person speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were “just a joke,” and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to a person’s self-worth and self-respect.

Emotional Abuse occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person’s sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Emotional abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content (such as threats, coercion and intimidation) designed to force a person to comply with the abuser’s wishes and it is designed to cause emotional pain to a person in an attempt to gain their compliance and counter any resistance. Like verbal abuse, emotional abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on but can cause serious psychological effects.

Physical Abuse occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve slaps, pushes, twisting arms, biting, punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching and grabbing.  Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse is also the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser.

Sexual Abuse is usually connected to physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse and emotional abuse.  Sexual abuse includes any sort of unwanted sexual contact perpetrated by an abuser. Sexual abuse is the forcing or manipulating of a person into having sex or performing sexual acts, holding a person down during sex, hurting a person physically in order to perform sex or hurting a person with weapons or objects during sex.

Consider this example of one type of abuse after marriage.  See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.

Aisha met Abdullah through friends in college.  He was a Law student and she was finishing up her undergraduate degree in political science. They enjoyed debating about politics and Islam and courted for three months.  They got married soon after she graduated and not long after they married, she got pregnant and they had twins.  Abdullah worked long hours at the firm and would arrive home late, exhausted, and stressed from his day. Aisha was staying home to care for the twins, Abdullah felt it was unnecessary for her to work and that she should be home to care for the children.  Aisha challenged him, but he reminded her that in Islam, the woman should obey her husband. Aisha argued this point with him but eventually complied with his request to keep the peace and became a stay at home mom.  She became exhausted from caring for the twins, but was especially careful to make sure the children were not fussing when Abdullah came home because he wanted to come to a quiet home after his long day at work. Aisha missed spending time with Abdullah since she had very few friends where they lived and he was her only support.  She loved him very much and would do anything to make him happy.  Abdullah was frustrated that he could never get a full night’s sleep because the twins woke up crying at night.  One night when they woke up crying, Abdullah was extremely agitated with Aisha that she couldn’t get them back to sleep.  He had just fallen asleep and would have to get up for work in 3 hours.  He quickly walked into the twins’ room and roughly picked up one of the twins. Aisha went after him and reached to touch his shoulder to calm him down but he pushed her away and yelled at her for “getting involved” while he was trying to parent. She explained that she was trying her best and she was just as tired as he was. He slapped her for talking to him like that and told her to never insult him again.  Aisha was shocked by his outburst and she tried to calm him down and encouraged him to go to bed while she cared for the twins.   The next day, Aisha’s mother called from across the country to check in with her and see how she was doing. Aisha wanted to tell her mother what happened, but she didn’t want to worry her, so she said everything was fine. That evening, Abdullah came home with a bouquet of flowers and told Aisha he was taking her out to dinner. She was surprised and happy that they would get to spend some time together.  She figured that is what they needed to make everything better.  Over dinner he apologized for hitting her and reminded her that it was her fault that he lost his temper and that she would have to be a better mother if they were going to have a happy household.  Aisha felt crushed that Abdullah wasn’t happy with her but didn’t want to leave because she desperately wanted her twins to be raised in a home with both parents. She wondered what she would have to do to make her marriage work.

Why do Women Stay?

This is the question that is difficult for many people to understand. It is important to realize that those who are abused hold onto the positive interactions they had with their spouse and convince themselves that their spouse is capable of kindness.  The abused may still love their spouse and these feelings along with a longing for the past or a false belief that they can help the abuser be a better person are what keep them attached in spite of the abuse.

For many women, they may feel “stuck” in the marriage because they are financially dependent on their spouse, especially if they have limited or no work experience or education to be able to support themselves and their children.  For other women who are isolated from friends and family, they may not have any support to turn to if they choose to leave.  Some family members may know of the abuse, but may advise her to be patient with her husband and to uphold the family’s honor and stay in the marriage.  Sadly some women may turn to their local imams and are actually blamed for the abuse and told to “be obedient to” or “be patient with” their husbands.

Finally, for some women the dream of preserving a two parent household for their children will make them endure abuse.  Women may feel afraid of losing their children, by either their spouse abducting the children or him gaining full custody of children in court.  Sadly, in many situations, women will finally leave only when they perceive imminent danger to their children or if Child Protective Services threatens to remove the children from the home unless the woman leaves her abuser.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a decision that a woman must make on her own.  Women’s shelters, family and friends can be available for support, but only once a woman chooses to take control of her own life and wellbeing will she be able to leave.  Statistically, an abused woman leaves and returns to her spouse ten times before permanently separating.  Only by recognizing the dynamics of abuse and the fallacies of why she stays will an abused woman be able to seek support and get out of the abusive relationship.  As Allah tells us in the Qur’an: “…Verily, God does not change [a person’s] condition unless they change their inner selves…” (13:11). The decision to leave an abuser and protect oneself physically and emotionally takes enormous courage and strength. The road out of an abusive relationship is not easy and it will require her to struggle emotionally as well as face economic hardship, but in that process she will regain her self-worth and will live a life of dignity.

For help and information contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or 1.800.799.SAFE

Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”

As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.

Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.

Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:

1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.”

Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.

2. “I will take care of myself.”

Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.

3. “I am not a perfect mother.”

Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.

4. “I will make my marriage a priority.”

Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.

5. “I will value my friendships.”

Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.

6. “I will prioritize family dinners.”

Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.

A recent study by match.com found that 1 in 6 couples that got married in 2010 met on a matchmaking site. This is not surprising considering online dating and matchmaking websites now make up a $4 billion business worldwide. Their increased popularity over the last decade is proof that matchmaking sites will continue to grow and couples will increasingly meet for the first time through the Internet. This phenomenon is also apparent in the Muslim community. A Google search of “Muslim matchmaking” calls up over 400,000 sites. With more Muslims turning to the Internet to find a spouse, there needs to be a discussion of the positive and negative aspects of meeting people online.

Accessibility

Muslim marriages have traditionally occurred with friends and family as the intermediaries, but now the Internet has become a viable option for bringing potential couples together. Matchmaking websites have removed the “personal” connections people have always relied on when finding a spouse. Individuals can post their own profiles of who they are and what they are looking for in spouse. Meeting individuals who have no connection to family and friends can be common and finding a spouse on one’s own has become a possibility.

The Internet has created a virtual network and provided accessibility to seek and meet Muslims from various regions of the world and of various origins. Online matchmaking sites have created a greater pool of people to meet and choose from; this is beneficial for new Muslims and those living in areas where there are few like-minded people, because meeting a potential spouse offline can be difficult if there is no social network established. However, with the greater opportunity of meeting someone who lives in another city or even another country, the challenges of long distance relationships becomes more common. A person who is not willing to move to another region should make this point clear at the beginning of their interactions. However, for those who are interested and willing to move to where their potential spouse lives, they will need to meet offline as soon as they determine they have a connection. They will also need to meet in person often to see if their relationship can develop into a marriage, which requires both individuals and their families to make a commitment to travel.

Anonymity

The Internet makes it very easy to be anonymous; therefore creating an online profile can become the perfect opportunity to be someone different, someone better, someone more attractive, more wealthy, more educated, etc. The biggest complaint made about online matchmaking sites is that there is a lot of exaggeration and even deception. Individuals can exaggerate or lie about everything from their age and profession to what they look like and where they are from. Some will even lie about their marital status. Because of this the Internet makes it impossible to know whether the person you are communicating with online is a “real” person at all. People who are not serious about marriage may create profiles on matchmaking sites because they enjoy perusing people’s profiles and enjoy the “game” of meeting people and flirting online. For this reason, it is important that people who are serious about getting to know someone for marriage must move from the online setting to an offline meeting as quickly as possible.

Meeting in person is also the only way to confirm any initial compatibility that the individuals are feeling for each other as well as confirm their truthfulness and character. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) advised, “When one of you asks for a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so.” (Abu Daoud)  Prolonging an online relationship can be a problem because the “connection” could be based completely on false information, which will ultimately lead to major disappointment. Therefore, remaining exclusively online to establish and maintain relationships can become a complete waste of time and even a distraction from finding a true match. Seeking to meet in person and develop a relationship that will lead to marriage needs to be the intention.

Communication

For many people, meeting someone for the first time can be awkward because both people are usually seeking to impress one another and determine if they have a connection. Meeting a potential spouse online reduces the initial anxiety and nervousness when being introduced since it removes an element of vulnerability. When people “chat” online, the computer screen reduces any personal inhibition and it becomes much easier to impress the other person. The Internet lifts real world boundaries so people fall easier into flirtatious and immodest behavior, become prone to saying things online that they normally wouldn’t say to someone in person, or chat for longer periods of time than they normally would with any individual.

Online mixing also removes any exclusivity, which is why chatting with numerous people at the same time begins to resemble a season of “The Bachelor.” You can never be sure that you are the only person a potential spouse is chatting with unless you ask them upfront, nor determine the seriousness of the relationship if conversations continue only online. Another obstacle with continued online communication is that real interpersonal skills are lost because subtle cues like tone of voice and body language cannot be heard or seen. Ultimately, determining if there is a real connection can only happen once the individuals actually meet in person. Communicating in person is vital to creating a real relationship through verbal communication as the couple will engage in the art of listening and speaking.

Privacy

Just as we live with boundaries in real life, we must maintain boundaries online. Safety precautions should be taken by everyone who posts a profile on a matchmaking site to ensure their privacy. Sharing private information with someone on the other side of a screen can be dangerous, since it is accessible to global viewers. Creating a separate email account for matchmaking correspondences would be beneficial in case a failed connection leads to one person stalking the other. In initial conversations with a person, you should be careful about how much personal information you share. It is best to withhold phone numbers, addresses of home, school and work places. This type of personal information should only be shared once the relationship proceeds to meeting in person and the character of the person has been determined.

The nature of using the Internet in private may also persuade individuals to hide an online relationship from their families, which will become an issue once the relationship moves offline. Secretive relationships are a major “red flag” and Islamically a serious problem. Individuals who refuse to meet offline or with family may be withholding something that may only be revealed by meeting offline. Therefore, caution should be taken if relationships remain online and are based on secrecy as these serve as “red flags” that honesty and trust have not been established, and this will lead to further problems in the relationship.

What To Do

Anyone who meets a potential spouse online must maintain appropriate Islamic and personal boundaries throughout the process. Be aware of the language you use when chatting with someone and try to speak in the same way you would in person. Stay in tune with your feelings: if something doesn’t feel right or if someone seems too good to be true, it is probably your intuition telling you something is wrong. If you are chatting seriously with someone online, you should share this with your parents so they are aware and can further encourage you to meet offline. Taking time to know one another offline is critical in order to determine authentic compatibility beyond the Internet connection; this should be a goal when meeting someone online. Finally, making du`a’ and istikhara prayers for guidance to what is best in your search for a spouse is essential. Maintaining a connection to Allah and relying on Him will help give you clarity and inner peace when making the important life decision to marry or not marry someone.

As technology continues to change, how we as Muslims interact with one another will inevitably play a role in how people meet—we must be aware of the pitfalls and dangers of this medium. Online matchmaking has become a beneficial resource for Muslims all over the world seeking a spouse. The diversity of people and the potential to meet has made the internet a very attractive way to find a compatible spouse. Yet, the nature of interpersonal relationships is that they cannot remain as cyber relationships. The human touch is still necessary when it comes to a relationship with another human being. The most successful pathway to developing a marital relationship will require disconnecting from the internet and connecting with people live.

Of course, all couples, whether of the same background or not, will encounter differences in their marriage. Individuals come from different “family cultures,” where roles and expectations were inherited and then transferred into their own marriage dynamics. Couples who were raised in the West may have similar cultural values even though their families of origin come from different cultures. Therefore, all couples must learn to manage and resolve their differences in a marriage even if they share the same cultural and religious background. However, when a relationship is interfaith and/or intercultural, couples must learn to be proactive because disagreements in their relationship may be broader as a result of their different inherited values.

Research has shown that three core areas have added challenges in intercultural and interfaith marriages. These three areas are: (1) Communication styles, (2) Extended family relationships, and (3) Parenting practices.

1) The Language Of Communication

A couple from different cultural backgrounds can face extra challenges when communicating and listening to one another. This is not necessarily because they don’t speak the same language, but rather because cultures tend to impact the manner in which individuals expresses themselves. Depending on the upbringing, people will differ in how loudly and quickly they communicate, even if both husband and wife communicate in English. In addition, each individual’s culture has shaped how she or he argues, teases, jokes and listens, as well as the idiosyncrasies and body language they use. Therefore, misunderstandings in communication because of varying language barriers or cultural nuances can cause conflict in marriages.

A couple must learn to be sensitive to their partner’s communication style as well as understand the influence their upbringing has had on how they communicate a message. Once a couple effectively learns their partner’s “language of communication,” they will be able to diminish conflicts in this area.

2) In-Laws/Extended Families

Sometimes interfaith and intercultural issues are apparent early on in the relationship, often emerging as early as the wedding planning and lasting as long as the in-laws are around. These differences can involve the expectations of couples’ families of origin about the wedding ceremony or even influence over decisions. Couples may have differing attitudes regarding the role of their extended family in their marriage. Cultural values may dictate that in-laws must have a say in every decision surrounding the wedding or the couple may be expected to spend a specific amount of time with the in-laws once they are married. On the other hand, in-laws may be so deeply committed to their cultural identity that they are unable to appreciate the ways in which their adult child has adapted to the spouse’s culture; therefore they may limit contact to the “foreign family” or never warm up to the spouse. When in-laws avoid the new couple for personal reasons, it can cause stress to the marriage and family. Also, when the couple has children they will need to determine the relationships the in-laws have with their grandchildren and consider wider cultural or religious values in their interactions with extended family.

3) Parenting Practices

Parenting practices can also bring friction for an intercultural or interfaith couple in making religious, educational or cultural decisions for their children. Generally, most married couples are surprised to learn that when they become parents they each have different ideas of how to parent. However, when a couple has added their diverse cultural or religious values, they may find very different perceptions of how they feel their children should behave and be raised.

Areas such as which ‘mother tongue’ or mainstream language the children will learn, which holidays will be celebrated, and how faith will be transferred to the child, must be discussed before having children or even before marrying in order  to reduce potential conflicts in the marriage. In addition, areas of discipline, expectations of appropriate gender behavior and teaching children manners are very much culturally derived, therefore couples need to compromise and determine what their own family vision will be once they have children. Conflicts can arise if a spouse feels their culture or religion is being devalued, or one spouse does not respect both their heritages nor share a mutual respect of their family backgrounds. Raising children with an appreciation for two cultures and two faiths can be enriching, but it can only happen if couples communicate their ideas and values with one another.

Problems and conflicts in intercultural and interfaith marriages are often because of assumptions and expectations that are made by the individual and couple.  These expectations are infused into a person’s identity through their life experiences and family background. Individuals preparing for marriage are usually not even consciously aware of their unrealistic expectations and any potential conflicts that can occur in the marriage because of their culture or religion. Before a couple can decide how their beliefs and values will mesh with one another they must individually explore their core beliefs and values in order to gain self awareness of their personal identity. Once an individual is aware of what is most important to them personally they will be able to communicate with their spouse what type of family they envision raising their children in and better compromise their cultural and religious backgrounds to enrich their family life.

Dr. Joel Crohn explains in his book, Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships the five basic patterns for managing cultural, racial and religious differences in a marriage intercultural and interfaith couples will go through any one of these patterns as they establish their family vision:

1) Transcendent: The couple adopts beliefs, traditions and rituals from multiple sources, including ones outside the cultures, races and religions of their origin. The couple’s spiritual practices may be nontraditional.  This pattern is usually found with a couple that was not raised with any strong religious or cultural background and so they seek to create their own.  This pattern is not typical of Muslim families as they have distinct religious and/or cultural values that they enter a marriage with and learn to compromise.

2) Secular: The couple takes a nonreligious approach to life and is minimally involved in the practice of cultural and religious beliefs, rituals and traditions.  This pattern is evident in Muslim families and can emerge with couple’s who do not have strong ties to their religious background and may have weak ties to their cultural background.  This approach does not encourage a development of culture or religion within the family practices nor in raising the children.

3) Bi-cultural: The couple tries to balance the beliefs, traditions and rituals from each partner’s cultural, religious and racial backgrounds. If there are two languages, the children will probably speak both.  This pattern is common in many Muslim families as they seek to incorporate both cultures and infuse the language, food, dress and traditions of both cultures to their children.  The couple appreciates and celebrates both spouse’s heritages. Within this pattern it may be difficult for families to balance both cultures and place an equal emphasis on both cultures indistinguishably.

4) Modified Bi-cultural: The couple adopts a single religion, either from one partner’s background or a mutually agreeable “compromised” religion and tries to honor the beliefs and traditions of both partners in a selective, but relatively balanced way. If there are two languages, the children may or may not speak both.  This pattern is most common in Muslim families, where the child is raised with the Islamic faith and the couple compromises on the cultural practices that the family adopts with mutual respect for their family heritages and traditions and openness to creating new traditions.  The balance that the couple strives towards, in this pattern, is practical as it is encourages the couple to compromise in developing their family traditions and a respect for culture is maintained.

5) Assimilated: One partner assimilates and converts to the beliefs, traditions and rituals of the other partner’s cultural, religious and racial background.  This pattern can also be seen in many Muslim families where one spouse lets go of their religious or cultural background and completely adopts their spouses traditions.  In the case of spouse’s that convert to Islam, there also is a letting go of their cultural background many times seeing it as “un-Islamic,” rather than adopting the positive cultural practices into their family traditions.  Other couples will negate one spouse’s culture completely and adopt the dominate culture into their family traditions through food, dress and celebrations. This pattern requires little compromise and lacks the concept of mutual respect for each spouse’s heritage nor does it give children an opportunity to celebrate both cultures of the parents.

All couples, despite cultural and religious convictions will negotiate differences when entering a marriage. This is because two individuals come from two different families, and as a couple they will develop their own family identity by choosing the traditions, habits and beliefs they value and want to celebrate in their family and with their own children. The process of forming a family is more complex for couples of different cultures and religions. Yet, despite these complex challenges, successful intercultural and interfaith relationships have many personal benefits. Couples who are willing to manage differences with each other and their respective families generally promote communities that have more integrated identities and a greater appreciation for diversity.

As Allah declares,

“O Mankind. Indeed We have created you from male and female and made you into nations and tribes so that you may know [become acquainted with, recognize] one another…” (Qur’an, 49:13)

This process however, does not happen automatically; a successful and diverse marriage takes personal work and sensitivity to self and others.  The rewards then are immeasurable.

Marriage is the bringing together of two families. However, many couples struggle with exactly how to mesh two families together while maintaining their independence as a couple.  When a couple gets married, an extended family is created as well as the beginnings of a new family that the couple will create between the two of them.  With each family comes its own values, and with every new couple a new, often unique set of traditions and memories will also develop.  An initial hurdle that couples are faced with is the role their in-laws will play in their lives.  Couples must move from a dependent relationship with parents to an interdependent relationship with their spouse.  In order for this shift to happen, couples need to set boundaries and limits with their parents in the early stages of the marriage in order to eliminate interference.

Establishing clear boundaries is not easy and, like marriage, it can require constant attention.  Even when boundaries are created, families may not always want to abide by the boundaries, so couples must learn to reinforce the boundaries they want and negotiate new ones.  The process of creating a new family is challenging for a new couple, but ultimately it brings the couple closer together and it brings more peace to everyone’s lives. Before marriage, couples need to negotiate the role they envision their in-laws having in their lives.  Making assumptions that you have the same vision will only lead to surprises and resentment. Setting boundaries as a couple is a way to protect your marriage early on and the communication it requires will insulate you from outside problems creeping into the marriage. Boundaries that can be set with in-laws include seeking advice, exchanging money, frequency of visits, phone calls, vacations, raising children, and gossip. Boundaries for every couple will be different and they will need to choose what the most pressing matters are that need to be addressed in their family.  Couples can resolve any issues that arise by setting new limits or by simply adapting to the expectation.

Couples sometimes unknowingly place their parents in the middle of their relationship by telling them everything or by running to them at the first signs of problems in the marriage. A new couple needs to depend on one another and to make decisions as a team.  This requires that couples communicate with one another and if disagreements ensue, they resolve them together rather than bringing in their parents to “referee.”  This is especially vital at the beginning of the marriage because it will solidify the unification of the couple and encourage them to problem solve together as they establish their own family. Couples should not share problems with parents because most parents will generally take the side of their child. Couples should clearly communicate with each other what they will share with parents and what is best left between them.  They should remain loyal to each other and remember that the marital relationship must come first in each other’s lives as they strive to create their own family.

Each spouse is responsible for protecting their spouse, even toward their respective parents.  As the Qur’an describes: “…They are your garments and you are their garments…” (2:187)  Like our clothing, spouses must protect each other by not allowing anyone to speak ill of their spouse.  This clearly demonstrates to the parents that the couple is a unit that cannot be split. The couple should also make clear to their respective parents that there are no secrets between the couple, so whatever is said to one is free to be shared with the other. Negative comments made about one’s spouse must not be tolerated and parents must get the impression that their child’s spouse will always be respected, even in his or her absence.  Even if in the presence of in-laws, the spouse being attacked cannot be left to defend himself or herself.  This is the role of the child of those parents.  The person with the primary relationship to the parent needs to make clear the boundaries and uphold them. Problems will arise in the marriage if a spouse is pulled to side with their parents against the spouse. The reverse is also true: spouses must never degrade their in-laws to their spouses as this will cause a fracture to develop where a spouse is caught in the middle between parents and spouse. Couples must always remember to be gracious and kind to their parents as they assert their independence as adults.

Newly married couples need space, both physically and emotionally, to nurture their blossoming relationship. Unexpected visits by in-laws may be intrusive to the couple so boundaries of when in-laws will visit must be made clear early on in the marriage. How often couples will visit the in-laws will also need to be discussed by the couple.  This would include both how often and for how long so that the couple is not overly burdened and so that all their free time is not spent with in-laws.  In cases where in-laws live with the couple in the same home, more specific boundaries will need to be set, such as a particular time and place everyday that will exclusively be for the couple to spend time together. Setting a limit that preserves privacy for the couple also reinforces the importance of time spent alone as a couple and allows intimacy to build between the couple.

Interference from in-laws can come in subtle ways which can threaten the marital relationship.  Conflicts over money can arise when in-laws lend money to a new couple with subtle expectations attached, like visiting more often couched with reminders about the help they’ve given.  Money could be a subtle way of controlling a couple’s emerging autonomy.  Childrearing advice could be well intentioned, but the couple as new parents is most vulnerable to criticism and advice from in-laws.  Advice that makes the couple feel incompetent is unproductive and it does not allow the couple to determine how they want to raise their own children or build confidence in their ability to raise a family. These subtle ways of interfering can cause divisions in a marriage if boundaries are not created by the couple and problems are not addressed immediately.

So how does a couple set boundaries with overly intrusive in-laws, especially if one spouse does not think there is a problem?  This conflict can only be resolved if the couple works to grow closer to each other in their marriage.  One pathway to this is by developing open communication and honesty with regard to the interference of the in-laws. Only after gaining a spouse’s loyalty will the issue become a priority over the interests of parents.  This can be very difficult if the parents make their child feel guilty for doing so and often a spouse does not have the courage to be assertive with their own parents. In order to confront parents about destructive behavior, the spouse must first recognize that the interference is not “normal” behavior and can in fact be damaging. If someone has been raised in a family that is controlling and manipulative, manipulative behavior may have become normalized, making it very difficult for the spouse to identify this behavior as destructive.  Once a spouse is able to recognize that the interference is a problem and threat to the marriage, the next step is to develop the courage to confront their parents.  In some cases, this may only be possible through counseling or education. A lack of assertiveness with parents is a typical struggle most young Muslim men and women encounter and it is even more difficult if the parents are controlling and manipulative. Maintaining respect for problematic in-laws is essential even though it will not be easy. Spouses should not respond to hurtful words and actions in equally hurtful ways. Limiting the influence of in-laws on the marriage and children is vital if the in-laws are destructive to the marriage.

Boundaries are ways of preserving a family and those limits must be decided upon by the couple. A new couple struggles to develop loyalty and a new bond with one another and this can be easily fractured if in-laws interfere aggressively.  In-laws who seek to have healthy relationships with their adult children and their children’s spouses will respect boundaries established by the couple and will do everything they can to help the couple be independent.  The adult relationship between parents and spouses will always evolve and improve with time if family members are open and honest about their feelings and expectations. Communicating and understanding the roles everyone holds in the new family will bring peace to families and help build the bonds that create new memories.

Ask a Muslim couple to give you a challenge in their relationship and many will say “family interference.”  The stress that family and in-law interference brings to a marriage can be so overwhelming that for some couples it can lead to divorce.  In a recent study by Sound Vision, it was found that ten percent of divorces were a result of family interference. The parent-child relationship, like the husband-wife relationship, is a special bond that encounters challenges when the child moves into a marital relationship, causing everyone to learn how to navigate their new roles.  In order for couples to maintain healthy relationships with their parents, while simultaneously nurturing their own marriage, there needs to be communication and a clear understanding of the changing relationships.

Parents and extended family are vital in that they provide the new couple with stability and support.  However, if boundaries are not clearly defined, it can overwhelm a couple and erode their marital bond. The collectivist cultures many immigrant families come from have begun to clash with the individualist society we live in and many families are not able to find peaceful co-existence in their newly formed families.  Discussions about problems with in-laws and family interference in our community are met with two common arguments: that “children” need to remember to obey their parents and that parents just need to stop “meddling” and allow the new couple space to grow and nurture the relationship. However, neither of these arguments addresses the core issue that is causing in-laws to interfere in today’s nuclear families.

Most immigrants, who arrived in the U.S., left behind villages and generations of extended family. Starting a new life and beginning a family in the U.S. has often occurred in isolation and without family support.  The isolation immigrant parents often feel in the U.S. has manifested into a desperate need to hold onto their nuclear family. Immigrant parents left behind their siblings and parents and now hold strong to the only “family” they have in the U.S. – their own children.  Children may be seen as not only preserving a cultural lineage but as an emotional bond that is lacking in the parents’ lives.  Therefore, the strong emotional attachment a parent feels to their child may be difficult to let go of once their child gets married.

Feelings of insecurity and fear are what are causing many parents to meddle in their children’s marriages.  Many parents have a fear of losing their child when they get married and that they may no longer be important in the child’s life.  Their behaviors are not necessarily coming with malicious intent; rather the parent’s unconscious feelings of insecurity drives them to interfere as they try to cope with “losing” their child to a spouse.  In addition, parents of children who are overly dependent on them for emotional or financial support may have a harder time allowing their child to become independent decision makers once they get married.  There are some subtle signs in the early stages of the marriage where the parents may position themselves to hold onto the relationship with their child.  Parents may “test” their child’s loyalty to the family by making demands, threats and even withholding support of the new couple. Parents may also be critical of the spouse to see how their child will react in order to determine where loyalties lie. Parents may be insensitive to the couple’s need for physical and emotional privacy.  They may give unsolicited advice and give their approval or disapproval of all decisions the couple makes. All of these behaviors may be seen by the parents as showing their care and concern, however the new couple may see it as interference and may not know its causes or how to deal appropriately with their parents.

Couples who are on the path toward marriage must have conversations early on with their parents about the changing family dynamics that will soon be taking place once the couple is married.  Open communication with parents and in-laws is vital so that parents can express their concerns and feelings about the marriage as well as feel honored and respected in the family.  This is also an opportunity for the couple to reassure their parents that they will continue to respect them and that a space will always exists in their life for them.  The change in the relationship between the parent and child needs to be discussed, accepted, and ultimately welcomed as the next stage in life. The new level of interaction between a married couple and their respective parents will require a mature approach.

The Qur’an mandates that children always show kindness and respect to their parents, yet it does not mandate obedience. This is important to distinguish because many couples have a difficult time drawing boundaries with parents out of a fear of “disobeying” them.  Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Glorified and Exalted is He) says, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Qur’an, 17:23) Couples should always listen respectfully to their parents’ views and advice, but ultimately the couple must make decisions that are best for them as a unit and not out of a sense of guilt.

Many cultures have maintained control over their family through emotional manipulation and guilt veiled by the banner of Islamic duty.  Obeying one’s parents has become the catch phrase remedy for all difficulties rather than critically thinking about what Allah (swt) is mandating.  This verse from the Qur’an is used repeatedly to teach small children how they must always listen and obey their parents and to never talk-back. Yet if we carefully look at the verse, one notes the phrase “when parents reach old age” indicating that the “child” is actually an adult interacting with an elderly parent.  It is in these times, as adults, that we must especially show kindness and respect to our parents when they are in old age and may be experiencing loneliness. Similarly, famous hadith (sayings of the Prophet ﷺ) are often invoked such as, “Jannah (Paradise lies at the feet of your mother,” as well as the reminder from the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) of who to honor most: “your mother” three times, then your father.  Muslims are repeatedly mandated to be respectful and to show kindness to parents, especially their mother.  Yet, no where do the Qur’anic verses and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life, nor that children must obey their parents’ desires.  Numerous times in the Qur’an we are reminded: “…and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden…” (Qur;an, 6: 164, 17:15, 35:18, 39:7 and 53:38).  As adults, Muslims are responsible for their own choices in life and even though they may take advice and guidance from their parents, ultimately accountability falls on the individual for the choices made in life.

This understanding is critical when young couples get married and when spouses choose to “obey” their parents’ wishes or demands out of guilt or Islamic deference rather than choose to do what is best for the couple and their future.  These early choices and patterns of behavior can have long lasting impacts on the marriage. As a therapist, I have encountered numerous cases of couples with marital problems because of allegiance to a parent trumping regard for their own spouse.  The resulting resentment and hostility created in the family is often not resolved and continues to fracture family relationships.  Newly married couples have a fragile new relationship to foster and new skills to develop as a married couple.  When the pressure from in-laws and parents is excessive, a new marriage will crumble under the stress and interference.  This can be prevented only if couples take the time to establish boundaries with their parents and effectively make the shift from a dependent parent-child relationship to an interdependent marital relationship, while at the same time showing kindness and respect to their own parents.  The massive amount of change that takes place interpersonally can be overwhelming and many couples are not prepared for the new challenges.

There will always be meddling parents and couples will not be able to change that reality.  However, by understanding the insecurities often at the core of their meddling and by creating boundaries early in the marriage, a couple can minimize the potential for conflict that arises from in-laws who interfere.  When couples establish boundaries on how they will interact with in-laws, they will develop healthier relationships with their spouse as well as with their parents.  The boundaries a couple can establish will be discussed in part two of this article.