Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Co-ed Love for the Sake of Allah? Part 1 | Part 2

Photo: Pictoscribe

I was standing next to the grave, supplicating quietly to Allah for the man we just buried. He was a family relative, loved by many alhamdulilLah (praise be to God). As I stood there, a few other women came and also started to supplicate. They spoke aloud in a low voice, “We never heard anything but good from you or about you, so we ask Allah to accept all your good deeds and forgive your sins, and accept you into Paradise…” I was touched by something in this moment. I didn’t know them personally, we didn’t exchange words but I was taught by their example. They displayed the most beautiful adab (manners) of brotherhood and sisterhood for their deceased Muslim brother, who was not directly related to them. Subhan’Allah (glory be to God), when the heart is pure, the “rules” emanate naturally without effort. Everything in their manner, speech, and conduct was modest, respectful and filled with noble love.

The code of inter-gender relations comes from this noble kind of love. It is generous in giving, while conscious of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He). It is full of haya.’ Haya’ is sometimes described as ‘shyness’, but misunderstood to mean a desire to hide, to be nervous, overly self-conscious, and unable to communicate. This is not the meaning of haya’ and it’s a real shame that men and women are sometimes taught social anxiety in the name of haya’. Haya’ comes from consciousness of Allah (swt)—that a servant of Allah would feel too “shy” to commit an open and indecent sin in the presence of the Most High, that they feel humbled in the presence of the Creator, so they honor His creation. The believer is not a show-off for any of their blessings. Rather they are grateful, and hope to use their many gifts in the service of their Lord. One of the most graceful ways to serve Allah (swt) is by serving and honoring His creation, in the manner that He approves. This is our code as brothers and sisters.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.” (Qu’ran, 9:71)

The 10 Principles

1. Be sincere in your interactions.

The Prophet ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us, “Truly, actions are according to their intentions.” ((Bukhari)) All interaction with God’s creation is a reflection of our interaction with the Creator. When a person truly relies on God and seeks Him first and foremost, they let go of the need for approval from others and seek it only from Him (swt). As a result, the way they work with others has to do with God’s approval, not that of others. When we deal with the opposite sex, it’s important to make sure we are not *needy for some form of approval from them, and especially the kind that should only be sought from a spouse (ie: sexual attention, seeking their admiration). However, God loves for us to love and respect our brothers and sisters. If we’re seeking God’s approval in our interactions then we open our hearts in a noble way towards one another with the best of manners. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and the general energy brought into interactions should be respectful and professional. One who is sincere in seeking only Allah’s approval and not wanting something from the people will find it very natural to follow the rest of the guidelines.

What this looks like in person: Imagine you’re speaking to a boss, a professor or perhaps an older individual in the mosque. In most situations, even if you were buddies with that person, you’d still have a level of respect in your interactions with them that would be different from your friend at school. Do the same thing when you interact with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you need to be cold. You need not be overtly rude or intimidating. If you are typically a really humorous and laid back person, you don’t need to radically change your personality so that the person/people you’re with don’t laugh. Just be yourself in a professional and courteous way.

What this looks like online/social media: Be mindful of your online conversations and avoid saying what you would feel uncomfortable having your parent or someone you respect overhear. Question your intentions before commenting or messaging. Only you and God know if what you’re doing is for the right reasons. This is one of the most powerful and dynamic limits of Allah (swt) because it actually builds your confidence. The habit of checking and renewing the intention develops a foundation of sincerity between you and Allah, and of good-will between you and His creation.

2. Make your interaction purposeful and professional.

There’s an Islamic legal maxim that states, “The origins of things is permissibility.” In other words, unless there is something that is expressly prohibited when it comes to interactions and worldly issues, it is allowed. However, when it came to the issue of gender relations specifically, some scholars used a different maxim: “The origin of inter-gender interactions is impermissibility, unless expressly permitted.” In other words, inter-gender interaction, unless there was an absolute necessity, major benefit attained, major harm prevented, or something not considered harmful in a particular cultural context, would generally be avoided.

These scholars also cited the principle of sadd al-tharee’ah—that whatever leads to a prohibited act in and of itself becomes prohibited. In this regard, cultural context becomes increasingly important. This is because in some cultures, specific actions may be misunderstood as an invitation to something prohibited, while in others, it is simply a respectful interaction.

As an example, a polite joke about the weather with the cashier at a grocery store is seen as neighborly small talk in the United States but can be understood as flirting in a different cultural context. For this other culture, scholars may consider the polite joke prohibited because it would lead to un-lowered and lustful gazes and conversation that points to something more. But to apply the latter understanding to our context in the west would be a great disservice. Here, the action and words do not imply sexual interest in the least, but rather is received as acceptable, polite conversation. And even in the same context, to overdo it leads to a misapplication of the law and the creation of a sub-culture that is foreign to the spirit of Islam. Shaykh Al-Rasuni mentions that the overextension of the legal principle sadd al-tharee’ah can create extremism and turn perfectly halal situations into haram ones. ((al-Raysuni, Ahmad)) So it should be applied with care, lest we turn Islam into something it is not.

If you look at both approaches—“The origin of interactions is allowed except what is prohibited,” and “the origin of interactions is prohibited except what is allowed”—they both lead to the same conclusion: Interactions should be purposeful, there should be a reason that is not suspect according to a particular culture, there are limits and it is not a complete free-for-all.

What this looks like in person: The on-campus Muslim Students Association (MSA) holds a meeting to discuss an upcoming event. There is purpose in their reason for coming together. They do not have to robotically and mechanically only ask “yes” or “no” questions, sticking to a script to ensure every word has a specific purpose. There can be polite small talk in asking about each other’s schoolwork and checking in on each other’s families. Now again, things go back to intention (point 1). On the outside things can be purposeful, but if on the inside things are not, it leads to Allah’s displeasure. A brother can tutor a study group of brothers and sisters for a class they are taking in college together in a noble way. He can also do so to enjoy the attention and admiration of the sisters and use that space for his own desires. On the outside no one may notice the difference, but on the inside Allah (swt) always does. A blessed interaction is both purposeful on the outside and pure on the inside.

What this looks like online/social media: Keep it purposeful and professional. No need to play online games with someone of the opposite sex. No need to start private conversations or comment in an over-relaxed, joking manner on posts or pictures.From emails, the messaging on social media, SnapChat, etc.—don’t do anything that you would be ashamed to do in front of someone you love and respect, like the Prophet ﷺ. Know that Allah (swt) sees you above all, and wants your honor and integrity to be protected.

3. Cover your ‘awra (nakedness).

In short, the ‘awra of men is from their naval to their knees. However, it is highly encouraged for men to cover beyond this. In other words, it’s not modest to show up without a shirt or a super tight one and skinny jeans, exposing a brother’s form. For women, even in the most lenient opinions, the minimum that should be covered is everything but the face, hands, and feet, in loose, non-form fitting, opaque clothing. Traditionally some scholars allowed kuhl and powder as allowable make-up, and some allowed the plucking of eyebrows in our times. There are opinions that are much more encompassing, but deliberately being shared here is the base minimum for anyone interested in following a valid scholarly opinion within our tradition.

An important point of clarification is needed here. When we think of a woman’s public dress in Islam, the Prophetic understanding was that it was a level more modest than that of men. There is an incident where the Prophet ﷺ gives a companion a thawb (dress) and later sees that companion and asks him why he does not wear it. The companion says he let his wife wear it. To this the Prophet encourages him to tell his wife to wear something under it because he fears that her form would show if she wears it without a layer under it (the way a man would). In other words, the ‘awra of a woman requires an additional standard of looseness. ((Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Fiqh, `awra’))

Now, what does that mean for men and women struggling to maintain these general dress guidelines? Does that mean they should not be permitted into Muslim spaces when the opposite sex will be present, nor organize campus or community events? Absolutely not! All should be welcome; all of us struggle with different aspects of our worship and this is simply one that’s more obvious because it’s outer. Principle number 4 means each of us are responsible for what we see. At the same time, even if one does not normally cover the full ‘awra, when it comes to sacred spaces such as the Masajid as the Houses of Allah, we should make an extra effort to wear our most God-pleasing clothing there, as a way of showing extra deference to our Creator. This is not an act of hypocrisy; it’s an act of respect. This is simply an explanation of guidelines while recognizing each person has their own journey, struggle, and varying abilities to perform. The scholars also differentiated between `awra ghaleetha and `awra khafeefa: that some body parts or more `awra’ than others. A person may try to grow gradually in their dress hoping to ease the path toward following all its guidelines.

A couple of critical points to take into consideration:

A. Hijab for women is not about Men.

When Muslim women are asked why do they wear hijab, the simple answer is, “Because God asked me to” not “Because men asked me to.” Hijab is about Allah (swt) and submitting to His will and trusting His way. It’s an incredibly spiritual act especially today because you must strive to remove the desire for human approval completely in order to practice it well. Allah (swt) says, “that is purer for you.” Hijab is a purification. For some, hijab may help purify the tendency towards vanity. For others, it is simply a constant physical reminder that our goal in life is to please our Creator. The experience of hijab for many is described as “liberating” and “a divine gift” as it encourages us to recognize our own spiritual and intellectual center, and compels us to honor, even celebrate this most sacred part of ourselves as we deal with the world.

B. Hijab is not meant to erase physical beauty, but honor it.

What happens if a woman covers herself appropriately, and people still feel tempted by her or are attracted to her? Beauty is not a woman’s ‘fault’, and she is not asked to hide because others can’t control their feelings. Rather, they must lower their gaze and purify their thoughts.

Ibn Abbas said: “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “And We have already known the preceding [generations] among you, and We have already known the later [ones to come],” (Qu’ran, 15:24). ((This hadith is found in ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged SAHIH by Albani. He includes it as #3472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih))

In this incident, Allah (swt) does not reveal that a barrier be put up to block off the view of the women’s side. He does not ask the woman to not come to the masjid. She is not told to wear niqab. She is not asked to pray in the last lines. Allah is addressing the men and these are verses revealed after the command of hijab was in place. Allah is telling them that He knows what is in their hearts. Hijab is not to remove all beauty from a woman. Rather, it is to let her define her sense of beauty by donning the dress and character that pleases God.

4. Lower your gaze.

God commands the believing men and women to lower from their gazes in the Qur’an. ((Qur’an 24:30-31)) The imperative word here is “from.” Scholars have commented that looking at each other in and of itself is not prohibited, for if it was the word “from” would have been omitted in the command. However, the command indicates there are some gazes that are not allowed, and this based on Prophetic guidance includes the lustful gaze as well as looking at what is considered ‘awra. Yet, it is common practice for men and women in Muslim activist settings to avoid looking at one another directly in the eyes or in the face, and they are dressed modestly. Some scholars have mentioned that this is praiseworthy as a form of respect. However, in the greater western context, not making eye contact is usually considered awkward and can be seen as distrustful and in an instance like this, we can take our general cultural custom to inform the way we interact within the aforementioned Islamic boundaries.

What this looks like in person: Therefore, in general, the best way to fulfill this requirement is to simply avert your gaze specifically if you find yourself attracted to someone, not to check anyone out, and to avoid looking at certain areas of the body you should not be looking at anyway—most especially if they are uncovered. Otherwise, it’s permissible to simply look a person in the eyes politely when having a conversation. This applies both inside of and outside of Muslim spaces.

What this looks like online/social media: When you put up a picture on social media, be cognizant of what other people are seeing. And if you wouldn’t make a crazy duck face or show certain body parts to a person of the opposite sex in person or look at those things in person, do not post that type of picture or send that picture over SnapChat or stare at those pics if they’re sent to you (which, btw, why are they being sent to you?). Do not deliberately spend time staring at a picture of someone of the opposite sex without purpose. When commenting on a picture—even if it’s of the same gender—avoid statements such as, “Hey sexy!” or “Hot!” especially when you know that person has friends of the opposite sex who will also see those pictures and those comments in their newsfeed.

5. Keep it public.

The Prophetﷺ taught us “…Satan is the third person in an isolated area (khalwah) where there is only a man with a (non-mahram) woman…” (Ibn Al-Atheer – Sahih).

This narration indicates that being alone with one person of the opposite gender who is not a direct relative (mahram) is prohibited in Islam. Being alone constitutes any space which is locked and opaque, or open but totally isolated.

What this looks like in person: In person: Meet in public spaces. Whether it’s in the library or an off-campus café, make sure your professional organizing happens in a public space and at an appropriate time. Even in a public space, a suggestion is to bring a respectful third person or a group of people to make sure you and the other person are not the only ones together, as a way of maintaining a professional environment. This also changes a bit as you grow in different life stages.

If you’re in high school and working on a project, you should definitely bring other people along if you meet outside of school in a café or somewhere informal. If you’re in your fifties and you’re meeting to discuss masjid board policy away from the masjid, meeting in a public space should be sufficient without needing “chaperones.” Imams, for example, have office hours at the masjid, and leave the door open or open their blinds so others can see in, if the door is closed to protect confidentiality. For non-Imams and work spaces, if what you need to meet about is private, like needing crucial advice, simply meeting in a public space should be sufficient as long as you’re both aware of being respectful and keeping things professional. If you can bring a third person who can sit somewhere nearby who is not able to hear the conversation, consider this option. This is not to suggest you and the other person meeting together, in a public space, are going automatically to do something lewd if you don’t. It’s simply to protect your hearts, words and yes, long-term actions, from going down the path of regret—and instead allow both persons to engage each other in a way that inspires true respect and noble love for Allah (swt).

What this looks like online/social media: When applicable, have a third person involved. For example, if you are a female organizing an event and you are emailing a male, yet you know that another male or female is also involved in that specific aspect you’re emailing about, then simply include them in the conversation. Some people when they have to work closely with someone of the opposite gender, simply let them know that they have given their email password to their spouse or trusted sibling, in order to allow everyone to feel like the door to the room is open rather than locked. Others choose to make phone calls when they’re around people and the person they are calling is aware of that fact. The point isn’t to constantly have yourself monitored, it’s really to just build a repertoire between one another in your interactions. By not feeling fully alone together, the relationship remains fraternal and professional.

6. Protect your reputation.

At the outset, it must be stated that the concept of a reputation is misused at times. Sometimes, parents do not allow their daughters specifically to do certain things that they consider immodest or immoral within a specific cultural context due to a fear of what others may say about them. This sometimes causes young women to feel angry and frustrated and often blame Islam for being restrictive when in reality, it’s a specific concept their family has about what is and isn’t appropriate. Misusing the concept of protecting one’s honor has negative and unnecessary ramifications. And yes, people should make 70 excuses for what they see or hear about others. However, at the same time, there is a place in Islam for protecting our reputation and not putting ourselves in situations where another believer may feel concerned about us.

What this looks like in person: This is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ did when walking with his wife Safiya radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her). Someone saw them and the Prophet ﷺ said, “This is Safiya!” They were surprised and said, “Prophet of God! We would never think you had a girlfriend or something like that!” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Yes, but Satan travels through people like blood through the body.” ((Bukhari)) The Prophet’s ﷺtechnical circumstances were halal but he wanted to make sure it was clear and not misunderstood.

What this looks like online/social media: The unfortunate reality of a sister or brother having an inappropriate or unnecessary online relationship has repercussions. For example, with an MSA brother, a sister may become a counselor-like friend and sometimes falls for the brother. The brother sometimes though, turns to her not because he wants to marry her, but because he perhaps enjoys that relationship with a female without having to commit to her and at times, may lead her on. On the flip side in another example, a sister may enjoy informal, intimate conversations and a certain brother’s attention; she may not be interested in marrying him, but enjoys the relationship and may sometimes lead him on. In both scenarios, the sister and brother may get a reputation for being easily used, desperate or whipped. Brothers and sisters: this is about respecting yourself enough that you do not allow yourself to be put in suspect situations that can harm your well-being and reputation in your specific context.

7. No touching.

The Messenger ﷺ stated, “It is better for an iron rod to be driven into the head of a man, than for him to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (Mu’jam al Kabir) Though the word ‘touch’ here is understood by some scholars to be a euphemism for fornication, generally the principle is applied for all unnecessary (non-medical, etc.) touching, as derived from the Prophetic biography.

God tells us, “And do not come near unlawful sexual intercourse.” Not touching is a preventative measure as to what can come that’s greater. The Prophet ﷺnever shook hands when he took the Pledge of Aqaba from the female companions, though he did with the men. This shows at the very least that touching, even by shaking hands with the opposite gender, is not generally encouraged. There should be no casual high fives, no hugs, no physical interaction between sexes who are not closely blood related or married. Not even if you’re “promised” to one another and going to be married soon. Unless you have your written marriage contract (known as the “katb al-kitab” or “`aqd” or “nikah” in different cultures and sometimes considered an engagement after the contract is signed), no physical touching should happen.

But what about shaking hands in our specific context,, as a known form of greeting and professionalism?

Consider Shaykh Yusuf Qaradwi‘s and Shaykh Abdullah bin Bayyah‘s discussions on the issue. His allowance, with caveats, must be read and understood, as it provides an alternative to the typical discussion on prohibition. If you choose not to shake hands, make sure you politely decline with class and creativity. Ensure it’s done in ways that would help hearts feel closer to you rather than turn away in aversion.

8. Be respectful of people’s personal space and levels of comfort.

We deal with different Muslims from different backgrounds. We do not want to impose our gender interaction cultural norms on them. We should try to engage them with what is comfortable for them, without giving up our own rights. This is just basic consideration for how others feel, male and female. Once the Prophet ﷺ even changed the way he was sitting out of his consideration for the modesty of Uthman (ra):

Aisha reports: The Prophet ﷺwas lying down in his house with his thighs or his calves exposed. Abu Bakr asked permission to enter and was permitted while the Prophet ﷺ was in that position and he came in and spoke with him ﷺ. Then, Umar asked permission to enter. He was granted permission and came in and spoke with him ﷺ while in that position. Then, Uthman asked permission and the Prophet ﷺ sat up and straightened his clothing. He was then permitted and came in and spoke with the Prophet ﷺ. After he had gone, Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not get up for him or worry about him and Umar came in and you did not get up for him nor worry about him but when Uthman came in, you straightened out your clothing! The Prophet ﷺ said: “Should I not be shy of a man around whom the angels are shy?” (Muslim)

This is a true act of love for Allah (swt), and such consideration for the comfort levels of the other should be practiced across genders as well.

What this looks like in person: Some people from other countries or ways of thinking do not talk to unrelated members of the opposite sex for any reason (unless an absolute emergency) and are even uncomfortable giving salam (greetings of peace). In our western context, scholars have encouraged men and women to spread the salam to build a sense of support and community especially as a religious minority. Generally speaking, it is praiseworthy to initiate the salam and an obligation to respond to it, ((Qur’an 4:86)) regardless of gender, unless you have good reason to believe it would be understood as flirtatious to do so. If you know someone is uncomfortable, do not put them in an awkward situation—even with something as simple as the salam. At the same time, a man from such an environment may feel uncomfortable with women in the same prayer space and want them to leave. For this, women should ***not*** be expected to leave because of someone else’s discomfort; women should take their Islamic right to worship in the House of God. In this example, it is the other person who needs to practice consideration of her rights.

Another example is to not stand too close to each other when you are talking. If you can smell their breath, shampoo, or deodorant then you are standing too close. If someone takes a step back everytime you take a step forward, then realize they prefer a bigger gap between themselves and you and stop inching forward.

What this looks likes online/social media: If you friend request someone of the opposite gender on Facebook and they don’t confirm, respect their privacy. If someone always CCs a third party when they email you, try to reply all and respect that. When we treat each other with nobility, it fosters trust.

9. Speak in a decent manner.

Perhaps there is no single behavior that more clearly defines our manners than speech. Allah (swt) has many commands about speech in the Qur’an. Its content should be good and decent (2:235). Its tone should be straight-forward (33:70). It should not be made soft on purpose (33:32). It should not be loud and arrogant (31:19). There should be no vain or excessive speech (23:3).

This is interesting as 90% of communication is non-verbal, and most perception comes from our tone of voice. And nothing affects tone of voice like intention. When the intention is good, speech is naturally unaffected and straight-forward, good in both content and delivery. The best way to examine our own hearts sometimes is to use our speech as a window to ourselves so we can ask, “What is going on inside?”

What this look likes in person: Speech is normal. This may appear humorous but as a dear sister once asked, “Why didn’t anyone just tell us to be normal?” In her situation, she was working and wanted to make da`wah (call to Islam) to her co-workers by showing how friendly and extra helpful a Muslim can be. Slightly sheltered in her upbringing, she went out of her way just to be very excited and supportive all the time and it was unfortunately understood as something else. Her version of ‘nice’ was over the top. She realized later that co-workers of the opposite gender, according to the advice of the Human Resources department, simply were to engage each other in a straight-forward, ‘normal’ way which is what Islam encourages anyway. Her speech was simply a mistake; but others actually make the mistake in their intention too. Don’t deliberately try to use an attractive sounding voice, don’t deliberately laugh and giggle for the purpose of drawing flirtatious attention, don’t extend conversations endlessly just to stay in the presence of another person. In other words, just be normal!

What this looks like online/social media: Don’t flirt, don’t be excessive in praise, or dismissive and disrespectful in joking. Use language that you wouldn’t feel shy of the Prophet ﷺ witnessing, knowing Allah (swt) always does.

10. Ensure your circumstances are safe.

One of the conditions for allowing women’s travel alone is safety and ensuring the place of stay. In general, for both men and women, Personal Safety (life, health) in itself is considered one of the greater objectives of Islamic Law. Keep in mind, two people don’t need to be in complete isolation for it to be unsafe.

What this look likes in person: If you’re a sister, going to a brother’s apartment, or a brother going to a sister’s apartment to study for example, even if it is shared with others—that is unsafe. Going into a public parking lot that is empty to get class notes at an odd hour of the night is unsafe. The point is, whether man or woman, be smart about where you meet, choose an appropriate time, and ensure it’s in a safe space.

What this looks like online/social media: Do not put personal information like where you live on your Facebook or other online site. If you’re “checking in” somewhere online, let it be somewhere public and attended by people. For example, if you are at the beach when it’s deserted at night, do not “check in” live on sites or social media where your location can be tracked by strangers, or even people you don’t know well.

________________________

Finally, the pursuit of marriage is the reason many young people get involved in relationships or put themselves in situations they later regret. Marriage is a noble intention, and should be pursued nobly. A guiding principle is the ends don’t justify the means in Islam. The space of Islamic work may be a place where people meet potential spouses, but the work should not be used as an excuse to get attention under the guise of being interested in marriage. Once a person realizes their interest in marriage towards someone is a sustained interest, they should take a respectful and responsible approach. That means, be like Musa, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and talk to her family. Or be like Khadijah (ra), and talk to a reputable friend, preferably married, who can find a tactful way to recommend you. It is permissible to approach the person you’re interested in directly, specifically if you know that’s their personal preference as well since not everyone has a supportive or present family. However, make sure it’s done with respect. When you’re respectful in both means and method, you can pursue your intention for marriage through its blessed path, and continue your Islamic work/volunteering on its own blessed path.

Inter-gender relations can be tricky, but remember: Just be normal! With the right intention, with purpose, and with efforts to try our best with the general guidelines God has revealed for our work together, we can focus on ensuring that our relationships lead to benefiting ourselves, our families, our societies and the world at large, with God’s will.

It is hoped that this inter-gender relations summary be of service to brothers and sisters everywhere. May Allah (swt) ennoble our character, manners, and disposition with what pleases Him most. May He allow us to practice both the spirit and letter of His guidance for us. May He forgive our many shortcomings and mistakes. May Allah increase us in His remembrance, gratitude, guidance, and beautify our worship. May He accept from us all. Ameen.

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This is where the test actually comes from. It’s not the disillusionment with the community, the teachers, or yourself that creates the spiritual crisis, but how these factors come together and interact with your deepest beliefs about God. Consider how these points relate to one another:

• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?

This final installment will deal with the idea of disillusionment with God and the paradigm shifts that need to take place for the fog and numbness to be lifted. Ponder these two definitions for disillusionment:

1. A feeling of disappointment, akin to depression, arising from the realization that something is not what it was expected or believed to be, possibly accompanied by philosophical angst from having one’s beliefs challenged.
2. The act of freeing from an illusion; the state of being freed therefrom.

Disillusionment with God means we have false expectations from Him. We are expecting things from Him which He did not promise us. At the core, these expectations are illusions, lies that we have invested our faith in. The wonderful news is, once we have recognized the illusions for what they are, our faith can be liberated from them, and be more sound than ever before. Some of the greatest scholars in history have at some point experienced a great spiritual crisis, where they wondered if they had any faith left at all. They emerged from their difficult journeys stronger in faith than their former selves. A crisis of this nature can be a gift in disguise if we have the courage to admit and let go of the illusions, holding on ever tightly to The Truth.

The Qur’an reveals that moments of trial and hardship are when our thoughts about Allah subhanahu wa ta `ala (exalted is He) are most tested:

“When they came upon you from above you and from below you, and when eyes grew wild and hearts reached to the throats, and you were imagining vain thoughts concerning Allah.” (33:10)

The blessing in this moment of intense difficulty is having the opportunity to purify our hearts from vain thoughts about Allah we didn’t know we had. When thoughts about Allah are vain, there is nowhere to flee, nowhere to take solace, nowhere to place hope. There is no sadness greater than having wrong thoughts about Allah, and there is no happiness greater than knowing Allah as He deserves to be known, that is, as much as a human being can. Healing starts when we can come into a growing realization and appreciation of Allah’s greatness and perfection, and acceptance of our fallibility and imperfection. Healing starts with facing the lies.

In this case, perhaps the first lie is: All influential / prominent teachers of religion must be ethical human beings who live the message they teach.

The truth is, God does not owe us this. In fact, in the Qur’an, Allah (swt) describes the exact opposite: that false teachers have existed:

“Do you order righteousness of the people and forget yourselves while you recite the Scripture? Then will you not reason?” (2:44)

And the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) told us they will exist in the future:

“Towards the end of time, there will come people who will seek the world in the name of religion. And they will put on lambskin for the sake of appearances, with tongues sweeter than sugar and hearts like those of wolves…” (Tirmidhi)

Yet the presence of evil does not mean the absence of good. The Prophet ﷺ also told us good teachers will exist:

“The upright and just of future generations will carry this knowledge. They will repel from it the distortions of the over-zealous, the forgeries of the fabricators, and the misinterpretations of the ignorant.” (al-Bayhaqi)

When we let go of a lie, and hold on to truth, disillusionment turns into growth and closeness with God. All religious teachers are good. That is a false expectation. Yet, some teachers are. Ask Allah to guide you to a good teacher, from the ones the Prophet ﷺ said will exist. Allow your heart to trust Allah (swt) again, putting your faith in His promises, His guidance, not in your illusions and false expectations.

A second lie might be: I can’t trust God because I trusted Him before, and still faced so much pain.

This illusion is a bit more complicated. It’s based on the premise that if we worship God and trust Him, He owes us a painless life. When we trust God, repent to Him and worship Him, it does help protect and heal us from the pain of our own sins. But it doesn’t ward off all pain. To seek that is to expect Paradise on earth, another illusion. Everyone will face painful tests in this life—Muslim or of another faith, devout or not devout. It is a sign for all creation that this life is not the final home. Still, those who have a more developed relationship with God will learn to navigate that pain in a way where they also recognize and enjoy the relief/ease that is promised with it and grow into a more devout Muslim. We need to let go of the myth of a painless worldly life and develop a Qur’anic understanding of hardship.

Below are just a few verses that remind us of the nature of this life. Allah (swt) says,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to the patient.” (2:155)

“We have certainly created man into hardship.” (90:4)

“No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence: That is truly easy for Allah. In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like the self-deluded and boastful.” (57:20)

“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease.”(65:7)

There are many more verses. They show us difficulty in life, even spiritual tests, are decreed by Allah and the very fact that we are facing a test is proof that we are able to bear it with faith and patience. We are reminded not to be so attached to good or bad fortune, but to seek only Allah (swt) throughout our tests. When He speaks about tests in the Qur’an, we learn that tests come to purify and perfect our faith through patience, obedience, gratitude, good deeds, and striving for Him:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tested?” (29:2)

“…Allah might test what is in your breasts and purify what is in your hearts. And Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts.” (3:154)

“…Had Allah willed, He would have made you one nation [united in religion], but [He intended] to test you in what He has given you; so race to [all that is] good. To Allah is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ.” (5:48)

“Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned.” (21:35)

“…And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing.” (25:20)

“And We will surely test you until We make evident those who strive among you [for the cause of Allah ] and the patient, and We will test your affairs.” (47:31)

All the pain we personally experience or see in the world is known to Allah (swt). It only makes sense to us when we maintain an eternal perspective of existence. He rewards the patient without measure in Paradise, in a way that only al-Shakur, the Most Appreciative, can. Justice will be served on God’s perfect time-table, not within the confines of this temporary worldly life, on our terms. To expect such reveals how much hidden entitlement might be embedded into our disillusionment. Imagine judging the entire story-line of a novel after having read only the first chapter. When we confront and let go of the illusions we live with, we free our souls from needing anything wrong or unattainable.

A related myth is ‘faith brings painful tests so to evade painful tests, I need to simply evade growing in faith.’

Your tests are decreed; faith will only help you navigate them better, lessening the pain not increasing it. The tests themselves are a purification and a mercy and while we do not seek pain, we also cannot escape *all* pain. Escaping all pain has its own drawbacks. It’s better to feel pain, and have a heart that’s still alive and functional, than to feel nothing at all, dead and empty inside. A healthy heart can also feel deep happiness and joy while a dead one might only be able to experience a superficial sense of pleasure, gone as soon as the stimulus is gone. We can reduce suffering through faith and professional help, but to eliminate pain altogether removes a crucial element of our humanity that allows us to feel all the other amazing emotions Allah has blessed us with. It’s a rip off, a bad deal; a transaction that leaves you with nothing.

A third lie is: We should be able to understand and predict everything God does and why He does it.

The truth is we can never fully comprehend God’s wisdom, greatness, beauty, knowledge, power, justice, mercy, etc. etc. If we could, He wouldn’t be God because understanding something is a form of limiting it, controlling it, and God cannot be limited or controlled by anyone. We can only grasp a tiny fraction of an understanding of what His Divine Attributes are and how they are manifested to us as human beings—and this tiny fraction exhilarates and elates us beyond measure. He does not owe us an explanation of anything and yet what He has given us through revelation and blessings is enough to suffice us if we switch the lens on our hearts. When we are about seeking truth so *we* may follow it, we experience intense appreciation which leads to humility. Life through the lens of appreciation instead of expectation is beautiful. Humility in front of God is freedom.

A fourth lie might be: God is non-responsive to us, far away, or has abandoned us.

This is an inverted assumption. A person might feel far from Allah (swt), but that doesn’t mean Allah is far from them. The truth is He is always closer to us than our own jugular veins. He is with us in every thought. We may not feel spiritually close always, but we know He is so close to us because He is God. Whether we feel it or not, our test is to obey. Do we do what we feel only or what we know to be true even when we don’t feel it? It is a test of integrity, of being *true* to God.

I could keep guessing at related lies, but instead let’s turn these lessons into a skill you use for yourself. I invite you to write down the lies, illusions, and false expectations you might have about God and instead seek the truths that are otherwise hidden by them. Research if you need to. Allow the rope of truths to bring you back. When we can grow to a place where we stop trying to fill a perpetually empty heart with wants, desires and expectations, and instead seek true fulfillment with God’s remembrance and glorification, in thought, word, and deed, the immediate spiritual crisis will have departed. When we can recognize false wants and throw them out of our hearts instead of trying to feed them, we move towards greater strength. Subhan Allah (Glory be to God), it’s easier said than done, but by Allah’s mercy and aid, it can be done.

Please remember: There is no sadness greater than having wrong thoughts about Allah, and there is no happiness greater than the heart’s capacity of knowing Allah as He deserves to be known.

Oh, Allah You are al-Haqq, the Truth. Allow us to face our lies, throw away the illusions, and hold onto You. You are the Only One who can fill our hearts with renewed faith, the happiness of knowing You, and seeking You above all. Let us not think of You except with what You are most pleased with. We can never know You as You deserve to be known. Let us know You and remember You as much as is humanly possible, as much as our hearts can bear. Help us to be with You and for You always. Ameen.

Disillusionment with the Community and the Self

Originally published at Safa Center

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The second level of disillusionment is with the community at large. Here are the aforementioned points that deal with this level:

• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

In other words, you feel like a total stranger within the Muslim community because you choose to take a principled position on this type of thing. You have the courage not to lie to yourself about the reality of what has occurred in front of you. At the same time, it feels horrible to be at odds with people who are supposed to be your ‘community.’ Ignorance—at least while it lasted—seemed more blissful than disappointment. For personal healing, just as it takes courage to stand for truth, it also takes courage to have a higher level of compassion and mercy toward those who are just not there yet, without compromising your own position of integrity.

When the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) died, this was truly the greatest test of our ummah (community). People simply did not know how to cope or deal with the news. Abu Bakr radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) as a true inheritor of the Prophet ﷺ directed people when no one else could: “Whoever worships Muhammad ﷺ let them know Muhammad ﷺ has died, but whoever worships Allah, let them know Allah lives and never dies.” The companions were in total disbelief and their pain needed guidance and direction for healing. You may need to take a similar position of wisdom and compassion in your community as an expression of your loyalty to truth. “Whoever worships the religious leader, let them know the religious leader is human and capable of great sin. Whoever worships Allah, let them know only Allah is absolutely perfect and only He is above accountability.” When you meet the defensive fan, the blind supporter, the aloof community member, or the complicit ally, realize that they are also part of the test but they do not all bear the same levels of responsibility.

Have as much compassion and mercy as you can for the fan, supporter, and aloof community member. You may have been exposed to the issue before them for a purpose. It’s not to condemn them, but to help them through dealing with the unbelievable, the depressing, if they are open to that lesson from you. If they are not open, be confident that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) will guide them from a source better than you if they are sincere. If they are not sincere, they are still in the hands of Allah (swt). Our job is not to control everyone or judge their hearts. It’s to invite everyone to a better way, in a better way. You cannot help a people you are disgusted with. You must return to compassion and mercy. Furthermore, you are disgusted with a people when you attribute the source of your ‘correctness’ to yourself.

If Allah (swt) had not favored you with the blessing of insight, you could have just as easily been the blind fan, even the complicit ally. Have compassion and mercy from a place of gratitude and humility with Allah– because Allah (swt) had compassion and mercy on you by letting you recognize falsehood as falsehood. Guidance is the true blessing, not ignorance. Let your sense of hope for progress come from your gratitude to Allah for everyone who does behave responsibly toward the situation including yourself. Always magnify the good in your mind and express it to Allah and magnify Allah’s infinite ability to help your community grow stronger through this test. Your eyes may have grown accustomed to the dark, but you won’t be able to see again unless you focus on the light, even when uncomfortable.

Recognize a fan in denial may accuse you of all sorts of horrible things. Realize that is their pain speaking. Don’t internalize it, don’t allow it to cause you to doubt yourself, don’t take it personally, and realize truth is always known in due time. Imagine Abu Bakr (ra) rising above that most painful situation, not taking to heart Umar’s threats to kill anyone claiming the Prophet’s death. Abu Bakr remained loyal to his responsibility in front of Allah (swt). Witnessing people reacting the wrong way does not mean the situation is “out of control.” The situation is always under control because Allah al-Qadeer (the Powerful) is ever present. Exercise your control over your immediate choices without fearing for what is outside of your scope of influence. Your responsibility is only to Allah (swt).

When it comes to compassion and mercy, the expression of that to the complicit ally is different. The complicit ally knows deep down what they are doing is wrong, but they may be in denial as to the heaviness of their crime. They are usually unfortunately opportunists who believe anyone they are close to is deserving of a different standard of treatment or they might just be cowards, fearing the famous and influential more than they fear Allah (swt). On rare occasion, they are actually just incredibly confused people because of the inability to negotiate the disconnect between their own gratitude toward the figure and the very harmful actions the figure is involved in. In any case, they actually need to see the failed religious leader held accountable to learn that crime doesn’t pay and there are no worthwhile perks to assisting powerful people who abuse their position. Depending on how complicit they were, they may also need to be held accountable in a public way. If their role was limited to silence, it may be that they hated it in their heart and thought that was enough. For the silently complicit, if deliberate support cannot be proven legally, I would leave them to Allah (swt) and pray for their guidance.

This seems like a lot of compassion and mercy for those who don’t deserve it, right? We don’t practice mercy and compassion because we have judged that people are worthy of it. We practice mercy and compassion because Allah (swt) loves for us to do so. This mercy and compassion takes different forms depending on the circumstance. Private mediation is best sometimes, while other times public accountability is required. If it’s coming from a place of mercy, it will naturally fall in the best place. We allow it to come from mercy and not revenge to liberate ourselves from residing in a place of continued suffering. Mercy in our hearts toward others is mercy toward ourselves.

Many times, when people find it hard to turn a soft heart toward others, it’s because they are also being extremely hard on themselves. They keep replaying their own mistakes and weaknesses in their own mind relentlessly without forgiveness. They do the same with others, which creates ‘hiqd’—the hateful grudge that is disdained in Islam. If you have hiqd towards others, you very likely also have it toward yourself.

This leads us into the discussion of the third level of disappointment, that of your own self. Here are the related points:

• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?

• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.

The first point is an illusion. It seems like you are not trusting other teachers, but in fact you don’t trust yourself to identify them. You are protecting yourself from your own perceived lack of judgment. Additionally, you blame yourself for being in this place of apathy and numbness toward learning and growth as well. The first two points are actually one and the same. You may be blaming yourself for not listening perhaps to the ‘bad vibes’ that warned you before about the religious leader, blaming yourself for being so gullible, for not being able to practice husn al-thann (thinking well of others / things / situations) properly. In essence you are saying, it’s your fault this happened to you and you don’t deserve the right to trust yourself again and make yourself vulnerable. As easily as you wrote the community off as being a failure, you’re also writing yourself off. The problem with this entire line of thinking is that it is framed so incredibly wrong.

Let’s reframe it correctly. Personal mistakes in judgment are not failures and do not mean you are not worthy of trusting yourself to trust others. Think of Google maps on your phone. You have a map with only so much detail on it until you zoom in. Difficult situations in life help us to zoom in and take note of where we are. If you take a wrong turn, you are redirected. In other words, your map gets upgraded. A wrong turn only gives you more information on what to look out for in the future. Maybe you find an app for an even more detailed map just to cross-check your chosen path or for additional features like nearby amenities, etc. that you didn’t have before. These are the many priceless lessons and fueling stations we need on the journey. When we head toward something we can’t find, the upgraded map allows us to change direction and find a better alternate destination. We are getting stronger, wiser, better, and are more prepared than before. You don’t need to throw away the first map altogether, you are simply upgrading, adding, and fine-tuning.

If you can retain the lessons, let go of the pain, and redirect your focus once more, you enter into a place of increased blessing and vision and are *better* equipped to trust yourself than you were before. So have mercy on yourself and recognize you didn’t fail, you simply upgraded your map. Our maps will need upgrades periodically throughout life, and it only makes us better travelers. Have mercy and compassion on yourself by trusting yourself as a stronger traveler. When you do so, you will be empowered to have mercy and compassion with your community as fellow travelers you hope to help.

In the fourth and last part of this series, we will deal with the final level of disappointment and disillusionment. Until then, I pray Allah makes us all ever stronger travelers on the path to Him. Ameen.

Originally published at Safa Center here.

The suburban Muslim community in America has a problem. Our masajid (mosques) are in shambles because we think money alone can save them. We believe the wealthy and powerful can change our condition. We believe Islamophobia can be fought by impressing the important, the elite and that personal safety comes from fleeing poor neighborhoods and dissociating ourselves socially from their ranks. We could not be further from the truth and the example of our Noble Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him).

Even benevolent donors may fall into this delusional mind set. Donations may keep walls standing, air conditioning running, and the windows polished but they do not fill the room with Prophetic love, divine guidance, and a people who will carry the message of Islam with integrity and grace. Only the blessings of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) can do all this. When we change what is inside ourselves, when we put seeking Allah’s blessings and our Prophet’s example first, only then will He change our condition.

In Surah ‘Abasa, the Prophet ﷺ was redirected by Allah from appealing to an important member of Meccan society while turning away from a humble blind man. In this famous incident recorded in the Qur’an, we are reminded as an ummah (community) that we should not neglect the poor and downtrodden, nor prefer the influential to them. At a time in America where we hear about tragic hate crimes every few weeks, there is increased temptation to seek safety from the wrong sources. There is nothing wrong with practicing caution or building relationships with decision makers, but there is something very deeply wrong when suburban Muslims choose to dissociate themselves socially from poor Muslims and poor Americans in general, while rubbing elbows with police officials and politicians, in an effort to preserve their safety.

First of all, it is elitist, and secondly, it contradicts the Prophetic formula for success. Consider the following statements from the Prophet ﷺ:

Mus’ab ibn Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas said, “Sa’d thought that he had preference over those below him and the Prophet (saw) said, ‘Are you given victory and provision except on account of the weak among you?’” [al-Bukhari]

Abu al-Darda said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (saw) say, ‘Seek me among the poor and weak. Truly, you are given victory and provided for on account of the poor and weak among you.” [Abu Dawud]

How incredible that an entire ummah seeks the prayer and support of the marginalized among them in order to collectively enjoy success, victory, and even wealth. On a psychological level, the wealthy believer must recognize their blessing in wealth literally comes from the poor. Contrast this with the delusion of Qaarun, an incredibly wealthy tyrant who said, “I was only given it (wealth) because of knowledge I have.” (Qur’an 28:78) Unfortunately, many Muslims, even big donors, may live with the myth of Qaarun: that their accumulated wealth is because they were smart, and played the game of money-making correctly and poor people are poor because they are either lazy, unintelligent, or predisposed to crime.

The Prophet ﷺ flipped the script on so many social pathologies: sexism, racism, tribalism, and also elitism and classism. The Prophet’s guidance is a shining light in a time of darkness, but will we have the courage to carry his lamp? America today has criminalized poverty. The structural and institutional discrimination that exists against poor people reflect nothing short of a new age of ignorance. If we do not confront this ignorance at least on a spiritual level, we too will become from its people and proponents.

It’s disturbing to see suburban masajid and their congregants having no meaningful fraternal relationship with the poor and marginalized, and even more so as the poor and marginalized also exist in suburbs and within these congregations. The programming alone usually reflect ticket costs that only the wealthy can afford. If you don’t see them at the event, maybe it’s because they’d rather not have to explain that they can’t afford being there. Donations are not a fraternal relationship. When we recognize that the poor and marginalized are not simply to be tolerated, but honored because they endure what has been lifted from the rest of us, so we can enjoy what we enjoy, we owe them a debt of gratitude, service, and love. They are the truly important people among us as this incident in the Prophet’s life indicates:

Abu’l-‘Abbas Sahl ibn Sa’d as-Sa’idi said, “A man passed by the Prophet (saw) who said to the man who was sitting with him, ‘What do you think of this one?’ He replied, ‘A man who is one of our nobles. This man, by Allah, if he proposes marriage, his proposal is accepted, and if he intercedes his intercession would be granted.’ The Messenger of Allah (saw) was silent. Then another man passed by and the Messenger of Allah asked him, ‘What do you think of this one?’ He answered, ‘O Messenger of Allah, this is just one of the poor Muslims. If he were to propose marriage, his proposal would not be worth accepting, and if he were to intercede, his intercession would not be granted, and if he were to speak, his words would not be listened to.’ The Messenger of Allah (saw) said, ‘This one is better than the whole earth full of the first one.” [Bukhari and Muslim]

The Prophet ﷺ didn’t just honor the poor and marginalized, he loved them and he prayed for their love. He used to supplicate: “O Allah! I ask You for the means to do good, to avoid evil, and to love the poor, and I beseech You to forgive me and have mercy on me.” (Tirmidhi) Our beloved Prophet ﷺ lived his values. Given the choice to be a Kingly Prophet or a Servant Messenger, he chose very easily to be a Servant Messenger. His wife, Lady Aisha radi allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her) reported after he made this choice, the Prophet ﷺ never ate while reclining, saying: “I eat like a servant eats and I sit like a servant sits.” We know that he could have lived the life of a millionaire, but rather he was more generous than the free blowing wind. He despised the remodeling of homes for the sole purpose of symbolizing wealth and shunned excessiveness in spending and in the hoarding of worldly possessions. He taught us to see the power hidden within the poor, and their ultimate success:

Haritha ibn Wahb said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (saw) say, “Shall I inform you about the people of the Garden? All who are weak and thought to be weak. If they were to take an oath by Allah, Allah would carry it out. Shall I tell you about the people of the Fire? All those who are coarse, domineering, and arrogant.’” [Bukhari and Muslim]

We can say we believe Allah (swt) and His Prophet ﷺ but much of the suburban American Muslim community has behaved like something else. We have behaved like we believe our success, protection, and wealth come from the elite. We have behaved like the ones worthy of our fraternity are the powerful. We live socially disconnected from the poor no matter how much we donate, and consider ourselves morally and intellectually superior because we can donate. We live lifestyles that reflect the very waste, excess, and hoarding that the Prophet ﷺ despised. Worse yet, we consider ourselves the ansaar ((the helpers of Medina who shared their wealth and homes with the immigrants of Mecca who fled persecution)) , and the poor and marginalized are the muhajiroon ((the immigrants of Mecca who fled persecution)) . The truth is they are the Ansaar, and we are the ones impoverished spiritually, socially, materially, and even politically until we recognize it.

ابغوني في الضعفاء فإنما تنصرون و ترزقون بضعفائكم

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

(This article was reviewed by a licensed therapist.)                    

The first level of disappointment is regarding the religious leader him/herself. Here are the aforementioned points that deal with this level:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.

As for the first point, your trust was in fact betrayed. You have a right to feel wronged. This feeling though, thankfully, does not mean you have to remain a victim to the mountainous pain of disappointment. When a religious leader fails, it has nothing to do with you, even if you were the one they directly harmed. It is a reflection of themselves, their own weaknesses, and internal states. There is no benefit that you can gain from holding onto the mountain of pain. Sometimes, a person might think by reliving the pain regularly, by carrying the mountain, they are protecting themselves from becoming desensitized to corruption, as the person who ‘doesn’t care’ is part of the problem. One can care very much, and be fully sensitive without having to carry the burden of pain with them. Integrity does not require self-imposed suffering. Just as you have a right to feel wronged and disappointed, you also have a right to let go of this pain while retaining the lessons.

The second point can become a dangerous slippery slope. There are hundreds of religious leaders in America. Even 30 Failed Leaders should not make us think the rest are in the same boat. At the same time, there is also no need to be naïve and assume everyone else is a saint. Everyone is human and capable of great good and great evil. To have the best opinion, do not assume more than what you see, in either direction. If someone does a clearly wrong action in front of you, “making 70 excuses” does not mean you say the action was right or justified. It means you might think, “Perhaps they are having a bad day, maybe they didn’t realize it was wrong, etc.” You also don’t extend it beyond that by thinking, “They probably do this all the time, this is how they *really* are, etc.” This would be having the worst assumption, and it’s not something allowed in Islam. To have balance means you don’t assume in any direction where their heart is as only Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) knows the hearts, and you only judge through actions, their observable behavior whether or not they are someone you’d like to take as a teacher. No one should be idolized. The religious leader is not the religion. I repeat, the religious leader is not the religion, no matter what claim to authority they might make. Even the most honorable ustaadh or ustaadha (teacher) is still human and makes mistakes. In Islam, we put following principles above following people.

Umar radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) once asked his people when he was amir al-mu’mineen (the Leader of the Believers) what they would do if he bowed down to corruption. He asked three times, until one of the people responded and said they would fight him. He congratulated the man who responded for having the appropriate response. If Umar (ra) as the khalifah (Caliph) was not above the law, no one else should be. If people have been wronged, they have the right to have their claims addressed even if they have to go to court. Sometimes people don’t want the stories to get out because they feel like such stories hurt the community’s faith. That might be true when it comes to smaller claims that can be negotiated between intermediaries. But for situations where a person is a clear danger, allowing a dangerous religious leader to continue harming people causes a much bigger crisis to faith and trust in religious leaders and institutions in the long run. Seeking justice is a means of having mercy on the community and even on the offending personality. Having once been involved in helping out with an intervention in which therapy was one of the requirements placed on the offender, the community leader who compliantly left their position, after some time, thanked those who intervened saying, “For the first time I felt like my problem can be, and will be, solved.” Alhamdulilah (all praise be to God), it was.

That being said, the entire field is not corrupt. The entire field is not pristine and pure either. Look for people of solid character, sound credentials in their learning, and people who work with others to build institutions that are about a cause bigger than their specific persona. Avoid taking people who display regularly narcissistic behavior as personal guides. You might be able to benefit in knowledge, but over time the behavior becomes normalized to you, and you would unknowingly adopt it yourself. The sincere teacher connects you to your mission, and calls you to God, not to himself or herself. Sound credentials are also important. Don’t take anyone as a teacher in religion who does not have the educational background that gives them ijaza (credential) to teach others. A beard, accent, and long robe are not indications of an educational background nor good character. Be wary of online degrees where the person has not also studied directly from scholars. Peer acknowledgment of requisite knowledge, character, and training by those who are credentialed and of exemplary character is another form of legitimacy. Our religious understanding is a living tradition, and it is inherited through people and institutions.

As for the last point, you may need therapy to fully recover from your experience. This is not something to fear or dread. Does anyone fear taking medicine when they feel physically ill? Medicine does not contradict prayer and tawakkul (trust in God), it completes it. If you don’t get treatment, you may find yourself turning away from anything and everything that reminds you even remotely of religion. After being harmed by a religious symbol, it becomes tempting to turn away from all religious symbols. If one was fake, there may be an urge to paint it all as fake. This is a trap of shaytan (the devil). When we are tested, we are in even more need of turning to Allah and holding onto His rope for our survival, guidance, and healing. If you feel like turning away, then allow yourself to stop the downward spiral by getting up, and turning back to Allah. Call on Him to guide you, help you, strengthen you, and liberate you from your pain.

Here are some tools that help alleviate overwhelming emotional distress:

1. Journaling in the third person: By expressing, you release the tension and come to realize the situation is not so big that it has to overwhelm you. It’s small enough to put into words and make sense of. By using third person you are able to dissociate from the heavy emotions while acknowledging what happened, and gaining lessons as well.
2. Channel your energy into a helpful hobby: exercise, painting, etc..
3. Releasing: A technique that is taught in the Whims-I-Kill program at ipersonalenrichment.com.
4. Speaking to local trained Muslim counselors and therapists.
5. Surround yourself with support. Fight the tendency to isolate. Spend time with worthy friends who would be like perfume sellers not blacksmiths. [i]
6. Increased worship and du`a’ (prayer). Every time you feel a whisper telling you to turn away from Allah, rebel and rebel hard. The shaytan wants you to despair in Allah, so you can feel utterly alone and without support. When you call on Allah, do so with hope in Him and His infinite abilities and wisdom. Believe in Who you don’t see much more than what you do see.

In the next piece, we will deal with the second and third levels of disappointment insha’ Allah. Until then, I pray this is of benefit for those affected and a conversation starter for all. Please feel free to add comments or reflections to this. You never know whom your shared thoughts are going to help.

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Sexual Harassment.  Marrying a second wife secretly for a temporary amount of time.  Pedophilia. Pornography. Adultery and its kin: developing ‘back-up’ plan relationships while married. Embezzling funds.  Spiritual abuse and false religious justifications for harmful/ immoral behavior. Slander.

Then you see their names on flyers for Islamic events, and hear them speaking about modesty, integrity, courage, family life, being a good husband or wife, a good father or mother, detached from money and wealth, the ethics of speech. They might have adoring crowds who don’t know or just a small team of people they work with who don’t care.

If you’ve ever had a religious teacher or teachers who didn’t just fall, but they *failed* miserably at upholding a basic ethical standard for themselves, you may have experienced emotional burn-out as a result. Please note that religious leaders may fall all the time because they are human and it is human to fall as no one can fully escape the minor sins. This is why I used the term “Fail.” A Fail, as I use it in this series, is when a religious leader falls into a major sin or a socially reprehensible sin that is beneath the level of trust afforded to their position, is confronted, and they stubbornly refuse to make proper amends even when given the chance. This is a fail.

Please also note that I use the term emotional burn-out, and not spiritual burn-out because the spirit is essentially untouchable. Our bodies on the other hand produce emotions, and they do get affected by the stress of disappointment. Sometimes spirit and emotion are used interchangeably in language and it’s important to realize they are certainly not one and the same, as described by Ustadh Abdelrahman Mussa here. This is significant because once you realize the burn-out is emotional, you have a pathway to recovery.

Let’s unpack some of the emotions and delve into the conscious and subconscious thoughts behind such disappointment:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.
• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.
• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel like you have no control over holding the religious leader accountable if you were personally harmed, and you may feel no control in preventing them from harming others.
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of what may be some underlying frustrations. Each of these points can create a myriad of different powerful emotions, so imagine what a few or all of them could create? Rather than feel all the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment, helplessness, dislike, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness, (insert huge overwhelming emotion here), etc. , you may have simply shut down your feelings altogether, thus creating apathy and numbness. Holding onto to the apathy and numbness for a prolonged period without help can lead to a crisis in one’s faith as there is a tendency to extend the apathy to one’s relationship to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) Himself.

This post is simply an introduction to the topic and future posts are meant to deal with each of the aforementioned points in greater detail. If you are someone who has experienced this test and what you’re struggling with emotionally is not addressed in the points above, please add your specific struggle to the comments section and we will try to address it insha’ Allah (God willing). If you have a specific trauma that you would like counseling or therapy for, we can try to connect you to someone qualified insha’ Allah. If you have not gone through this test alhamdulilah (praise be to God), it is hoped that these posts may empower you to help someone who has.

Even though this is simply an introduction, there is one important lesson I would like to leave us with for this week: We can and should disagree with unethical behavior from anyone without disapproving of the qadar (decree) of Allah. Disagreeing with someone’s harmfulness is healthy, needed, and productive. Blaming Allah for having experienced it is not. Once something is in the past, it is part of His decree. Once it is part of His decree, you accept the good and bad of it as being a test from Him, which could not have been other than what occurred. There is no changing the past. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried on it. You embrace His test without doubting His Perfection, Justice, and Mercy. There is no need to attribute either to Allah (swt) or even to yourself anything negative about this test. Allah does not hate you and you are not a horrible or unworthy person because this test happened to you. These are harmful thoughts that lack any benefit and only push you into the mud, so you can imagine where they came from. The whispers of shaytan (the devil) are to make us despair in Allah (swt), and despair in ourselves. Instead, look to what is beneficial and ask yourself: What do I have control over? What will I be asked about when I am resurrected? My immediate choices. How can I use my immediate choices to better the situation? How can I use my immediate choices to make the best transaction with Allah (swt) through this test, and gain unfathomable reward insha’ Allah? How can I rely on Allah (swt) for strength and guidance and come out personally stronger and wiser? Some answers insha’ Allah will be in the upcoming posts. For now, allow yourself to reflect on your own answers and realize that this is simply the practical application of the famous hadith (narration):

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s Assistance, wa laa ta’jiz [‘don’t lend yourself to things devoid of benefit’, ‘don’t stop hoping’—both acceptable meanings], and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say, ‘Qaddar Allahu wa maa sha’a  fa’al’ [‘Allah ordained (this) and He does what He wills’], for verily the phrase, ‘If I would have’ makes way for the work of Shaytan.” (Muslim)

No matter how weak you might feel in your faith, the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) affirms there is still good in you and the fact that you believe is evidence of the love Allah (swt) has for you. The recipe to increased strength starts with embracing the decree of Allah, remaining hopeful in Him, and focusing on what is beneficial to you in this life and the next. Know that gratitude in Allah (swt) for the faith He has blessed you with increases it, and is immensely beneficial. You may not realize it yet, but you got this insha’ Allah.

Note: The lessons in this 4-Part Series were inspired by the free 7-Day Trial of the iPersonalEnrichment.com program. While this series focuses mostly on concepts, the program works to internalize them.

In The Amazing Race, we started off with the image of three runners: one with hidden weights attached to their body, one carrying a heavy load on their back, and a third person without any weights or loads running freely. In any race, it is the third person that we would all want to be. Specifically, in the race to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), it is who we actively seek to be. It starts with learning that we have the power and the right to let go.

Understanding the Weights and the Loads

There are so many people holding onto heavy loads trying to make it through the race. People are holding onto sadness and grief, fears and insecurities, anger, and all the other limiting emotions. Limiting and difficult emotions are normal to experience, and we are rewarded for enduring challenges with patience and perseverance. But after those events have brought us back to Allah (swt), it’s time to let go of the pain. And subhan‘Allah (glory be to God), we have always had the power to do that. Letting go does not mean giving up or justifying wrongs. It means you are willing to continue the race with all the lessons learned, without carrying the emotional load with you. In place of bitterness and feeling victimized, you allow yourself to feel free, and even grateful for the wisdom and reward attained. Experiencing negative emotions is not wrong, rather very normal and human, and it can even be a blessing that reminds us to turn to Allah (swt). But after we have turned to Him, we go back to being content with Him and His decree. We let go of the attachments of needing sadness, of needing anxiety and fear to protect us and help us, because we have Allah (swt) to do those things and we have been given power over our own immediate choices to work for them.

Negative emotions, when held onto, become part of the attachments of dunya (this world). They are the weights attached to the runner as they try to run to Allah (swt) and get exhausted early. A traumatic life event is the heavy load that someone carries over their shoulders after the calamity has passed and they have the ability to put it down. Sometimes it takes the help of others to say, “Here, let me help you put that down. You don’t need to carry it anymore.” Some are so used to the weight, they’re actually afraid of what it would feel like to live without it. The heavy load allowed them to turn to Allah (swt) and they are afraid that putting it down would mean they would forget Him and become heedless. So we have to understand something:

What does Allah (swt) Himself want for us?

While remembering Allah (swt) during our moments of weakness is a blessing from Him, He is more Merciful to us than His wanting us to hold onto that weakness in order to feel close to Him. Actually the opposite is encouraged:

The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) taught us, “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s assistance, and don’t lend yourself to things devoid of benefit, and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say ‘Allâh ordained this and He does what He wills’ for verily the phrase ‘If I would have’ makes way for the work of the Devil.” (Muslim)

Imam al-Nawawi commented, “The intended meaning of strength here is a firm will and a desire to work for the Hereafter. So the one being described as a strong believer is more bold and stern against the enemy in Jihad, quicker to go out and searching for striving in Allah’s path, more in his enjoining the good and forbidding the evil, in his patience with the harms he faces throughout, and stronger in the way he carries out difficult tasks for Allah’s sake. He loves to pray, fast, make dhikr (remembrance of Allah), and perform the rest of the acts of worship, and he is more active in seeking after these affairs, as he keeps a closer watch over his performance of them.” (Sharh Muslim (9/341))

Allah (swt) is more Merciful than His wanting us to punish ourselves with hardship, pain, self-imposed weakness and heaviness. He wants for us ease and lightness despite the natural human tendency towards weakness:

يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ

“Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship.” (Qur’an, 2:185)

يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ أَنْ يُخَفِّفَ عَنْكُمْ وَخُلِقَ الْإِنْسَانُ ضَعِيفًا

“And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak.” (Qur’an, 4:28)

Furthermore, whenever there is a command in the Qur’an or from the Prophet ﷺ, it means that following such a command is humanly possible. Here are just a few examples that show the option to hold onto an emotion or not is within our control:

Allah mentions in the Qur’an:

وَلَا تَهِنُوا وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا

 “Do not be weak and do not be sad.” (Qur’an 3:139)

And to Musa `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) and Harun (as):

قَالَ لَا تَخَافَا إِنَّنِي مَعَكُمَا أَسْمَعُ وَأَرَى

“(Allah) said, ‘Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.'” (Qur’an, 20:46)

The Prophet ﷺ mentions, “Don’t become angry.”

Tricks of the Mind and Nafs (Ego)

It’s interesting to note that ‘sadness’ in particular and emotions in general are often spoken about in English as nouns, making them seem static, unmoving, like you cannot do anything about them once they are there but wait for them to go away on their own. People become overwhelmed by their emotions when they feel they are static, and when they think they can’t control them, so instead of trying to regain control they simply give in, and even justify it. In Arabic, emotions are often used as active verbs that include the responsible party in the verb. So it’s as if it’s saying, “Don’t you do sadness,” or “Don’t you do fear.” Meaning, when it comes to holding onto emotions, we are the active doers, doing it to ourselves.

The nafs has tricked us into thinking we have no power over these weights, these loads we’re carrying. The nafs also tells us we need these weights in order to succeed, that they make us stronger. And sometimes they do, but only when we have learned about our power to remove them. Otherwise, the weights carried indefinitely lead to massive health and psychological problems, rather than strength. It continuously lies to us, like any oppressor for no other reason other than staying in charge, so that these lies control our direction. Subhan’Allah, fear and anxiety don’t help us become safer. They actually make us panic and become less safe. Anger makes us lose control even though people choose to become angry in order to gain control. Feeling self-pity, actively maintaining the ‘victim’ mentality does not bring the promise of self-approval or control in life. It makes the person desperate for the attention and approval of others (aka riya’), and can even lead to manipulative behavior in trying to control others. Holding onto sadness after loss doesn’t make experiencing the loss any easier, it makes it harder and more prolonged, more acutely felt.

To conclude this part, the nafs wants us to hold on dearly to all the emotions that can make us a slave to it. Letting go is about freeing our souls so we can run to Allah (swt), feeling secure, loved, and in control in the presence of al-Mawlaa, al-Wadud, and al-Qaadir. May Allah (swt) allow us to let go of that which slows us down in the race to Him, and may He make us of the strong believers.

Stay tuned for Part 3 which will discuss Four Common Emotional Weights!

Originally published in November 2008

One can be very sincere before an action, very sincere during an action, and then become arrogant/people-seeking after the action is done, thereby removing the blessings and reward from what already transpired. This arrogance and seeking to be seen by the people is what is known as riya’. Riya’ comes from the Arabic root, ra-hamza-ya, from the verb which means to see, behold, perceive, notice, regard, consider, deem appropriate, and be amazed at. The third form of this verb refers to wanting all of the aforementioned for oneself, i.e.  acting ostentatiously, making a show before the people, and behaving hypocritically. The noun riya’ refers to this eye-service and admiration seeking. Allah (swt) warned us of this trait in His Book, “So woe to the worshipers, who are neglectful of their prayers, those who only want to be seen (yura’un).” (107:4-6)

The Prophet (saw) described riya’ to be as subtle as a black ant crawling on a blackstone on a dark night, and he taught us the du`a’, “Oh Allah! We seek your protection from associating partners with you knowingly, and we ask Your forgiveness for doing so unknowingly.” While volumes have been written about riya’, one teacher gave me a very useful advice, “Keep up a good action that no one but Allah (swt) knows about, not even your closest family members, such as praying qiyam (late night prayers) or giving a regular charity.”

May Allah protect us before, during, and AFTER the good works He allows us to do. May He help us recognize the Shaytan’s whispers and help us fight them through His remembrance, and turning back to Him in deep repentance. How amazing and beautiful that trying and hoping sincerely for Allah’s pleasure is the only intention that brings a sense of real inner peace and happiness in both worlds.

Allah (swt) describes the welcome in the next life is only for one with qalbin saleem: a sound/peaceful heart (Qur’an 26:89).  Allah is so Merciful that He made the acquisition of our own happiness an inextricable part of fulfilling the purpose of our creation, worshiping Him through sincere and righteous works. Much of the superficial pop-culture doesn’t allow us to introspect. Society is distracted with shapes and forms, while Allah (swt) is looking directly at our hearts! This poem is dedicated to those students of knowledge and Muslim activists who are afflicted with the struggle for sincerity amidst the challenging environment of praise, attention, and recognition. May He allow us all to continue to do good publicly and privately but not be driven by any motive other than seeking His pleasure, His Face. May Allah always be our goal. Ameen.

Repelling Riya’—

Creeping ant, so dark and black,
Upon my surface, it makes its tracks,
The night is dark, as am I,
Can I feel his footsteps, if I try?
My hardened surface, so cold and dry,
Does not sense his army, now passing by,
Their darkness covers, so much of me,
My vision is blocked, I cannot see
I’m overwhelmed, who can I call?
My problem is masked, from those enthralled,
Who would even notice, a stone like me?
The eyes are captured, by the majestic trees,
“O God! Save me!” My prayers soar,
Rain erupts, and begins to pour,
The ants wash off, and I am soaked,
An ant’s footstep now…and I feel poked,
Softened, warm, now sensitive,
“Forgive my neglect!” I’m penitive
The commander ant, tries to cling on,
The Powerful protects, he’s easily gone!
Now constant in prayers, I’m soft, on floors,
So ants be afraid, When it rains, It pours!