VMCounselors – Virtual Mosque

Parents Disapprove of My Marriage Choice

VMCounselors — Fri, 09 Jan 2015 13:00:01 +0000

Question:

I am in a complex situation with my parents and the girl to whom I want to get married. What should I do, as this situation is very difficult for me? My parents disapprove of the girl because of cultural issues, not Islamic ones, so I don’t see anything wrong with proceeding to marry her. What do I do?

Photo: Ricky Thakrar

Answer:

It sounds like you are struggling with what you want and what your parents want for your life, and trying to figure out how to proceed is a difficult process. The challenges faced by couples who “go against their parents’ wishes” can be manifold and broad. Since I don’t know the details of you and your family, I will speak generally and share different possibilities.

Your parents may threaten to disown you or not come to the wedding. In this instance, I remind couples that the spouse who is “giving up their family” to get married can be put in a difficult situation, because this idea will always linger in the marriage – one person sacrificed so much for the other. This can either bring you closer together (i.e. ‘us against the world’) or cause tension (‘look what I sacrificed for you’), and these thoughts may come up when conflict ensues in your relationship. You two will need to explore your feelings about this.
If your family is opposed to the marriage, then you will not be able to approach them for emotional support during your marriage, since they may have an “I told you so” approach to your difficulties. You are on your own. Depending on the extent of your family’s disapproval, it may affect the amount of time you spend with them in the future.
Grandchildren. Your parents may limit their relationship with your children if they don’t have a good relationship with you and your wife – or they may interfere in your parenting practices, since they don’t respect the choices you and your wife have made.
If you find comfort and approval of the marriage with your wife’s parents, then you may develop a closer relationship with them and thus receive the support you need. This may relieve stress you feel when raising a family together.

I invite you to ask yourself the following questions:

Will my parents approve of anyone I introduce to them? Why or why not?
What are their expectations? Why?
What are my parents’ fears in this situation?
Why do I want to marry her? Is it a choice that is best for me and what I want?
How will I proceed and take responsibility for my choices?

May Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) guide you to what is best.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings.

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Should I Celebrate Christmas with my Non-Muslim Family Members?

VMCounselors — Thu, 11 Dec 2014 13:00:14 +0000

Question:

Photo: Ania Mendrek

Each year I let my family know I will not be celebrating Christmas with them. Last year my mother gave us gifts that said they were from Santa Claus. At the time, I was pregnant and it became even more important to me that we distance ourselves from non-Islamic religious holidays. I know growing up how great the time was each year, and I hate making my parents feel so bad. I am not quite sure how to explain it to them anymore. I am stuck between my mother with major anxiety and my husband who doesn’t quite understand why it is so difficult for them. Yet another year is coming, and I now have a little girl, and I have to explain to my mother why I cannot see her at this time of year. I just saw them last month, and my mother already told me she has purchased “Christmas” gifts. What should I do or say to them that will make it easier?

Answer:

You are having a difficult time reconciling the importance of Christmas for your parents while desiring to raise your daughter adhering to Islamic traditions. It sounds like your husband does not understand the tension you are feeling when disappointing your parents year after year. You and your husband may not have discussed in detail how you would celebrate holidays given that your parents come from a different tradition, before getting married. Since your experience is completely foreign to your husband, he may not understand the significance of the holiday for your parents and the traditions they created with you as a child. It can be very difficult for parents whose children convert to Islam to understand that “family traditions” will no longer be celebrated because of their child’s new beliefs.

You and your husband will need to discuss how you wish to approach holidays with your parents and share this information together with your parents. Every family chooses to manage the holidays differently and these opinions may change as their children grow older. Depending on what you are comfortable with, you may choose to distance yourself from your family all together during the holidays or you may choose to join your parents in their tradition. You and your husband will have to decide together what is the best approach for your family. If you have shared with your parents that you do not celebrate Christmas and they insist on giving you and your children gifts, then you and your husband need to reconcile the idea of accepting gifts from family. Is it a challenge to your faith or an expression of love and generosity from your parents? Emulate the love you have for your parents by understanding where they are coming from and communicating with them your thoughts and views. As your children grow and new traditions develop, your parents may learn to adapt their traditions to what is more comfortable to you and your husband and even join you in your religious traditions as well.

My Fiancé is Pushing Me to Be Religious

VMCounselors — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 12:00:43 +0000

Photo: Walt Jabsco

Question:

I am a Muslim living in the US and I am happily engaged. AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) my iman (faith) and my love for my deen (religion) have always been high: I decided to wear the hijab 3 years ago on my own, I teach in a masjid, I attend halaqas (study circles) weekly. The problem is that my fiancé is a member of a stricter religious group.

My whole life I have never needed anybody to tell me how to practice my religion. I believed that it was all about my connection with Allah—my personal connection. I would feel like, by praying, I am communicating with Allah, and by reading the Quran, He is communicating with me. And that is all I ever needed.

Now I am worried that my fiancé’s pressure on me to be more religious is what is making me turn away from Allah. My fiancé always encourages me to become a better person, supports me in what I love, and pushes me to pray and be good. And I am thankful for that. However, the feeling of being forced or pushed to practice something is something that I am not used to. I know his intentions are pure, and he is doing it all out of love, but I do not know what it is that is making me not see this.

Answer:

It sounds like you are not feeling accepted by your fiancé. When he pushes you to be more religious in the way he chooses to practice Islam, you may feel you are not good enough. If he has a more strict interpretation of Islam and wishes for you to join in his views, then you need to decide if that is what you want. His current encouragement and pushing may manifest into coercion later in the relationship and this can lead to resentment and tension. Rather than enter a marriage in which you are not on the same page, it is important that you talk about how you each envision practicing your faith and raising your children in the faith.

If there is mutual respect for your different practices, where he can respect your less strict interpretation and you can respect his stricter interpretation, then you will have found a compromise. However, if either of you wishes the other person to change or be more like themselves, then you may face disappointment. Long-term change will only come when a person chooses to change out of their own free will. Spouses generally seek to feel accepted by their partner, both in positive and negatives qualities, while at the same time they want to feel they have space to grow as individuals. Finding a spouse who encourages personal growth at your own pace is golden. Finding a spouse who accepts your strengths and weaknesses and still loves you is priceless.

How to Speak to a Gay Sibling

VMCounselors — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 12:00:44 +0000

Photo: madlyinlovewithlife

Question:

My 18-year-old sister recently told me that she was gay. Not only that, but she was also in a relationship with a girl whom we all thought was her best friend. And to make matters even worse, she said she was not sure she felt Muslim anymore.

Obviously, I was shocked. But I love my sister; I have practically raised her since she was little. So I listened patiently (she has a history of mental health/anxiety/self-harm issues) and I told her that, while I did not agree with her life choice, I loved her no matter what. I feel that the worst thing I could have done at that time is to reject her. I did not even go down the ‘it is un-Islamic’ road—she already knows that, and she is struggling with it.

Now, we have long conversations about how/if Islam fits into her life. I know I cannot force her to remain in the faith if she does not want to, but I feel so lost myself that I am running out of things to say.

I guess I am not asking if her being gay is ‘halal’, but rather looking for advice on how to deal with a loved one going through something like this. She has obviously gone through hell and back alone, and now finally she feels like she can confide in someone about ‘who she really is.’ Given her background of poor mental health, I am loathe to do or say anything that could tip her balance the wrong way. I just do not know how to support her, and if in doing so I am going against my own beliefs in the process. Her well-being is the most important thing to me right now.

Answer:

It sounds like maintaining a positive relationship with your younger sister is very important to you. Her identification as being gay and questioning the role of Islam in her life further confirms for you the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with her. You have been able to approach her with compassion and empathy but you also question whether this challenges your own personal beliefs.

By maintaining open communication with your sister, you are modeling empathy and understanding for her struggle. By loving her, you also realize that you cannot change her, but you can be there for her if/when she has concerns or questions. If you feel that she respects your boundaries and does not impose her choices on you, then you are engaging in a mutually respectful relationship. Maintaining open communication with her does not mean you accept what she is doing, but rather that you have a loving heart towards her as your sister, and do not wish to break the bond of a family relationship.

Feeling Homesick and Thinking of Divorce

VMCounselors — Tue, 17 Jun 2014 12:00:28 +0000

Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit.

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

Infidelity and Spying on a Spouse

VMCounselors — Wed, 21 May 2014 12:00:56 +0000

Photo: Pete

Question:

“I am recently married to my husband for 8 months. Recently I found out about his past, that he is/was bisexual. Up until then, I knew of the existence of the guy as his close friend. I indirectly confronted my husband and he confessed. He didn’t want to tell me because he’s afraid it would affect our marriage. He married me because he feels that he could change with me around. He said he is slowly solving the issue and would work things out.

However, I found him and the guy still contacting and meeting up with each other. Also, my husband lied about going overseas for work at xx place when I found out he went to yy place instead which is not where he said the work will be at. I knew because I have a GPS spy system installed in his HP. He still messages me as though he’s doing his work. I just played with the game.

I pray to Allah for guidance and patience, and to hold this marriage together because I believe that my husband will change for the better and we can start our marriage afresh after the confession. It is so hurting to know that my husband lied and is still lying. I do not want to tell him I distrust him because he mentioned before that if I don’t trust him it’s best we go our separate ways because he doesn’t want a partner who does not trust him. I don’t want to lose him.

Could you advise me on my situation?”

Answer:

You are feeling betrayed by the reality that your husband identifies as bi-sexual and is continuing to engage in a relationship with a friend from his past despite being married to you. You felt that his promise to change and marriage to you would have helped him change his behavior and preference. When you discovered his relationship, you chose not to confront him but rather accept the charade out of a fear that the marriage would dissolve. Your behavior to track him shows that you do not feel you can have open communication with him about your concerns. The lack of honesty and transparency in your relationship is a concern.

When you chose to marry your husband, you chose to accept him for who he is, even if he does not change in the future. Once you discovered he is bi-sexual you chose to accept him and accept being in a relationship with him despite his preferences. If you are now discovering that infidelity is something you cannot accept, then you need to make a decision that is best for you. You cannot make a decision about your life based on expecting another person to change or become the person you want them to be. You and your husband would greatly benefit from couples counseling so that you can determine what type of relationship you each envision as well as whether he is capable of being in a committed relationship. Through counseling you will learn about what path he is taking to resolve his issues and how the two of you can either maintain a marriage or part ways.

How do I deal with a Non-Practicing Spouse?

VMCounselors — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 12:00:41 +0000

Question:

I want to find out what is the ruling for a practicing Muslimah whose Muslim husband does not pray except occasionally. He has tried intermittently to establish salah (prayer) but it was not consistent. He doesn’t go to the mosque and he’s never read the entire Qur’an. Before, he would combine three days at once and pray extremely fast. In the end, he gave up and it has been almost two months now. He doesn’t pray Friday prayer, but he fasts the month of Ramadan. He tells me he believes in prayer, but he is very busy with managing his business and works more than 12 hours a day. He comes back home and always gives excuses that he is extremely tired and would promise to pray the next day without fail.

I have put in much effort to encourage and motivate him, read to him ayat (verses) from the Qur’an and ahadeeth (traditions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Sometimes he listens and other times he gets angry/annoyed and tells me all I talk to him about is deen (religion). He doesn’t like communicating with me about religion much and he sometimes complains about my time spent on the deen although he doesn’t mind me wearing the hijab and going to the mosque.

Before we got married, I made it clear to him that we would pray together, share our deen and raise our children according to Islam. He promised me and gave me his word, and I understood he was devout in his heart. I asked a couple of imams about this issue, and they all told me that all I should do is be motivating/encouraging and make du`a’ (supplication). I fear mostly for any children we may have, because they would be confused as to what is the truth and what they should do. This would also cause problems providing an appropriate Islamic environment at home to raise upright Muslim children.

Answer:

It sounds like when you married your husband you expected him to change and become more religious because it was important to you that you marry a religious man. You feel that he has a devout heart and wish that he would manifest his faith outwardly because you fear that if your children do not see him practice his faith they will become confused. The reality is that people will only change when it is important to them. When you chose to marry him, you chose to accept him with his strengths and weaknesses. If he chooses to pray and read Qur’an, it would be ideal for you, but you now realize you can’t control him nor change him and that your ideal is not the reality.

Your decision to marry him was based on a promise but not on the reality of where he is religiously. Despite not being religiously observant, he is encouraging you to grow religiously and does not stand in your way of spiritual growth. His relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), is a personal one and despite your well-intentioned encouragement, he may only be hearing nagging and judgment from you. He may not feel accepted by you for who he is despite his flaws, so he will continue to pull away from you because you may remind him to feel awful about himself for not praying dutifully. This negative spiral will only continue to hurt your relationship and potentially hurt your relationship with your children. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to role model empathy for your husband’s struggle. He may be inspired by your attachment to the faith and the peace it brings you. By role modeling what you wish for your husband and children, you will embody the faith in your family because your actions will “speak” louder than your words. You cannot control how your husband and children choose to practice the faith. Approach your family with tenderness and understanding as they progress in the faith and continue to rely on Allah (swt) when you have feelings of fear and anxiety.

Living With My Brother-in-Law

VMCounselors — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:00:12 +0000

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.

Moving Out

VMCounselors — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:00:21 +0000

Question:

I am a 30 year old Muslim woman who lives with my family. Alhamdulilah (praise be to God) I have a loving and wonderful home, but I am ready to move out and live independently. I am looking for an apartment to rent on my own. The problem is, my father would never let me, and if I go against his wishes, he threatens to never talk to me again. He says women should live at home until marriage. I am a practicing Muslim who has always obeyed my parents and I have tried my best to make them proud of me. I don’t have any marriage prospects and I can’t keep waiting for the unknown. I need to live my life independently and start a new phase in my life. I would greatly appreciate some advice.

Answer:

It sounds like you are struggling to establish some independence from your parents. You are trying to balance your needs with your parents’ preferences.. Seeking independence from parents is a normal developmental process that everyone goes through. For some people, cultural norms dictate that women only move out of their family home once they get married. However, many women, such as yourself, may not be getting married as quickly as parents had hoped, and in the meantime are focusing on their career goals and living happily as a single adult.

Your parents’ concern stems from a place of love and protection. They are having difficulty with letting go and allowing you to make your own choices. You will need to share with your parents your personal goals and assure them that you can financially support yourself. You will also need to reassure them that you care for them and appreciate their love and support and now you are able to take care of yourself and live on your own. Choosing to live in a safe place will be a priority, and setting up boundaries with your parents of when and how often you will visit them will help them accept the reality of you living on your own. It will be a difficult transition for your parents, but with open communication and reassurance that you are ready to take responsibility for your life, insha’Allah (God-willing) they will respect your choices, even if they disagree with them.

Polygamous Marriage

VMCounselors — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 13:00:11 +0000

Question:

I have been discussing marriage with a brother. He seems to have everything I’m looking for in a spouse, and even though we’re still getting to know each other better, feelings get deeper on both sides. The problem is, he doesn’t oppose polygamy, and said he could have more than one wife at a time. Although I understand that it’s perfectly “legal” to have several wives, I personally would not want it for myself. I’m facing a dilemma: should I consider being in a potentially polygamous marriage, even if the guy seems to be perfect for me?

Answer:

You are feeling conflicted because you think this brother has everything you’re looking for except for his beliefs about a particular issue. Sometimes, while getting to know a person for marriage, we learn something new about our love interest that makes us reconsider the whole matter. For you, this happened to be your potential partner’s views on polygamy.

The real question here is this: Can you accept the possibility of sharing your husband with another woman in marriage, or is this a deal breaker for you?

If you can’t accept polygamy, then that’s your deal breaker, and this man is not the right person for you.

Since the brother has made clear to you his feelings about polygamy, he is basically alerting you that polygamy is a real possibility for your future with him. He has been clear with you about his views, and you must not minimize your concern in an effort to move forward with the marriage. It would be unfair on your behalf to know this, yet choose to marry him with the intention of changing his mind. If you do so, you will be setting yourself up for a volatile marriage. Marriage should be built on a foundation of trust, transparency, and full disclosure. You should share with him your concern, and if he respects and accepts your preference, then you can add this to your marriage contract as one of the conditions for divorce. However, you cannot force him to commit to a monogamous marriage if he does not want to.

Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

It is important to ask the difficult questions now instead of having to deal with the repercussions later. Self-awareness and honesty with yourself and with the other person are essential to helping you make the best decision without sacrificing your personal values and beliefs, and without minimizing problems in the relationship.