Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Co-ed Love for the Sake of Allah? Part 1 | Part 2

Photo: Pictoscribe

I was standing next to the grave, supplicating quietly to Allah for the man we just buried. He was a family relative, loved by many alhamdulilLah (praise be to God). As I stood there, a few other women came and also started to supplicate. They spoke aloud in a low voice, “We never heard anything but good from you or about you, so we ask Allah to accept all your good deeds and forgive your sins, and accept you into Paradise…” I was touched by something in this moment. I didn’t know them personally, we didn’t exchange words but I was taught by their example. They displayed the most beautiful adab (manners) of brotherhood and sisterhood for their deceased Muslim brother, who was not directly related to them. Subhan’Allah (glory be to God), when the heart is pure, the “rules” emanate naturally without effort. Everything in their manner, speech, and conduct was modest, respectful and filled with noble love.

The code of inter-gender relations comes from this noble kind of love. It is generous in giving, while conscious of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He). It is full of haya.’ Haya’ is sometimes described as ‘shyness’, but misunderstood to mean a desire to hide, to be nervous, overly self-conscious, and unable to communicate. This is not the meaning of haya’ and it’s a real shame that men and women are sometimes taught social anxiety in the name of haya’. Haya’ comes from consciousness of Allah (swt)—that a servant of Allah would feel too “shy” to commit an open and indecent sin in the presence of the Most High, that they feel humbled in the presence of the Creator, so they honor His creation. The believer is not a show-off for any of their blessings. Rather they are grateful, and hope to use their many gifts in the service of their Lord. One of the most graceful ways to serve Allah (swt) is by serving and honoring His creation, in the manner that He approves. This is our code as brothers and sisters.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.” (Qu’ran, 9:71)

The 10 Principles

1. Be sincere in your interactions.

The Prophet ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us, “Truly, actions are according to their intentions.” ((Bukhari)) All interaction with God’s creation is a reflection of our interaction with the Creator. When a person truly relies on God and seeks Him first and foremost, they let go of the need for approval from others and seek it only from Him (swt). As a result, the way they work with others has to do with God’s approval, not that of others. When we deal with the opposite sex, it’s important to make sure we are not *needy for some form of approval from them, and especially the kind that should only be sought from a spouse (ie: sexual attention, seeking their admiration). However, God loves for us to love and respect our brothers and sisters. If we’re seeking God’s approval in our interactions then we open our hearts in a noble way towards one another with the best of manners. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and the general energy brought into interactions should be respectful and professional. One who is sincere in seeking only Allah’s approval and not wanting something from the people will find it very natural to follow the rest of the guidelines.

What this looks like in person: Imagine you’re speaking to a boss, a professor or perhaps an older individual in the mosque. In most situations, even if you were buddies with that person, you’d still have a level of respect in your interactions with them that would be different from your friend at school. Do the same thing when you interact with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you need to be cold. You need not be overtly rude or intimidating. If you are typically a really humorous and laid back person, you don’t need to radically change your personality so that the person/people you’re with don’t laugh. Just be yourself in a professional and courteous way.

What this looks like online/social media: Be mindful of your online conversations and avoid saying what you would feel uncomfortable having your parent or someone you respect overhear. Question your intentions before commenting or messaging. Only you and God know if what you’re doing is for the right reasons. This is one of the most powerful and dynamic limits of Allah (swt) because it actually builds your confidence. The habit of checking and renewing the intention develops a foundation of sincerity between you and Allah, and of good-will between you and His creation.

2. Make your interaction purposeful and professional.

There’s an Islamic legal maxim that states, “The origins of things is permissibility.” In other words, unless there is something that is expressly prohibited when it comes to interactions and worldly issues, it is allowed. However, when it came to the issue of gender relations specifically, some scholars used a different maxim: “The origin of inter-gender interactions is impermissibility, unless expressly permitted.” In other words, inter-gender interaction, unless there was an absolute necessity, major benefit attained, major harm prevented, or something not considered harmful in a particular cultural context, would generally be avoided.

These scholars also cited the principle of sadd al-tharee’ah—that whatever leads to a prohibited act in and of itself becomes prohibited. In this regard, cultural context becomes increasingly important. This is because in some cultures, specific actions may be misunderstood as an invitation to something prohibited, while in others, it is simply a respectful interaction.

As an example, a polite joke about the weather with the cashier at a grocery store is seen as neighborly small talk in the United States but can be understood as flirting in a different cultural context. For this other culture, scholars may consider the polite joke prohibited because it would lead to un-lowered and lustful gazes and conversation that points to something more. But to apply the latter understanding to our context in the west would be a great disservice. Here, the action and words do not imply sexual interest in the least, but rather is received as acceptable, polite conversation. And even in the same context, to overdo it leads to a misapplication of the law and the creation of a sub-culture that is foreign to the spirit of Islam. Shaykh Al-Rasuni mentions that the overextension of the legal principle sadd al-tharee’ah can create extremism and turn perfectly halal situations into haram ones. ((al-Raysuni, Ahmad)) So it should be applied with care, lest we turn Islam into something it is not.

If you look at both approaches—“The origin of interactions is allowed except what is prohibited,” and “the origin of interactions is prohibited except what is allowed”—they both lead to the same conclusion: Interactions should be purposeful, there should be a reason that is not suspect according to a particular culture, there are limits and it is not a complete free-for-all.

What this looks like in person: The on-campus Muslim Students Association (MSA) holds a meeting to discuss an upcoming event. There is purpose in their reason for coming together. They do not have to robotically and mechanically only ask “yes” or “no” questions, sticking to a script to ensure every word has a specific purpose. There can be polite small talk in asking about each other’s schoolwork and checking in on each other’s families. Now again, things go back to intention (point 1). On the outside things can be purposeful, but if on the inside things are not, it leads to Allah’s displeasure. A brother can tutor a study group of brothers and sisters for a class they are taking in college together in a noble way. He can also do so to enjoy the attention and admiration of the sisters and use that space for his own desires. On the outside no one may notice the difference, but on the inside Allah (swt) always does. A blessed interaction is both purposeful on the outside and pure on the inside.

What this looks like online/social media: Keep it purposeful and professional. No need to play online games with someone of the opposite sex. No need to start private conversations or comment in an over-relaxed, joking manner on posts or pictures.From emails, the messaging on social media, SnapChat, etc.—don’t do anything that you would be ashamed to do in front of someone you love and respect, like the Prophet ﷺ. Know that Allah (swt) sees you above all, and wants your honor and integrity to be protected.

3. Cover your ‘awra (nakedness).

In short, the ‘awra of men is from their naval to their knees. However, it is highly encouraged for men to cover beyond this. In other words, it’s not modest to show up without a shirt or a super tight one and skinny jeans, exposing a brother’s form. For women, even in the most lenient opinions, the minimum that should be covered is everything but the face, hands, and feet, in loose, non-form fitting, opaque clothing. Traditionally some scholars allowed kuhl and powder as allowable make-up, and some allowed the plucking of eyebrows in our times. There are opinions that are much more encompassing, but deliberately being shared here is the base minimum for anyone interested in following a valid scholarly opinion within our tradition.

An important point of clarification is needed here. When we think of a woman’s public dress in Islam, the Prophetic understanding was that it was a level more modest than that of men. There is an incident where the Prophet ﷺ gives a companion a thawb (dress) and later sees that companion and asks him why he does not wear it. The companion says he let his wife wear it. To this the Prophet encourages him to tell his wife to wear something under it because he fears that her form would show if she wears it without a layer under it (the way a man would). In other words, the ‘awra of a woman requires an additional standard of looseness. ((Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Fiqh, `awra’))

Now, what does that mean for men and women struggling to maintain these general dress guidelines? Does that mean they should not be permitted into Muslim spaces when the opposite sex will be present, nor organize campus or community events? Absolutely not! All should be welcome; all of us struggle with different aspects of our worship and this is simply one that’s more obvious because it’s outer. Principle number 4 means each of us are responsible for what we see. At the same time, even if one does not normally cover the full ‘awra, when it comes to sacred spaces such as the Masajid as the Houses of Allah, we should make an extra effort to wear our most God-pleasing clothing there, as a way of showing extra deference to our Creator. This is not an act of hypocrisy; it’s an act of respect. This is simply an explanation of guidelines while recognizing each person has their own journey, struggle, and varying abilities to perform. The scholars also differentiated between `awra ghaleetha and `awra khafeefa: that some body parts or more `awra’ than others. A person may try to grow gradually in their dress hoping to ease the path toward following all its guidelines.

A couple of critical points to take into consideration:

A. Hijab for women is not about Men.

When Muslim women are asked why do they wear hijab, the simple answer is, “Because God asked me to” not “Because men asked me to.” Hijab is about Allah (swt) and submitting to His will and trusting His way. It’s an incredibly spiritual act especially today because you must strive to remove the desire for human approval completely in order to practice it well. Allah (swt) says, “that is purer for you.” Hijab is a purification. For some, hijab may help purify the tendency towards vanity. For others, it is simply a constant physical reminder that our goal in life is to please our Creator. The experience of hijab for many is described as “liberating” and “a divine gift” as it encourages us to recognize our own spiritual and intellectual center, and compels us to honor, even celebrate this most sacred part of ourselves as we deal with the world.

B. Hijab is not meant to erase physical beauty, but honor it.

What happens if a woman covers herself appropriately, and people still feel tempted by her or are attracted to her? Beauty is not a woman’s ‘fault’, and she is not asked to hide because others can’t control their feelings. Rather, they must lower their gaze and purify their thoughts.

Ibn Abbas said: “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “And We have already known the preceding [generations] among you, and We have already known the later [ones to come],” (Qu’ran, 15:24). ((This hadith is found in ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged SAHIH by Albani. He includes it as #3472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih))

In this incident, Allah (swt) does not reveal that a barrier be put up to block off the view of the women’s side. He does not ask the woman to not come to the masjid. She is not told to wear niqab. She is not asked to pray in the last lines. Allah is addressing the men and these are verses revealed after the command of hijab was in place. Allah is telling them that He knows what is in their hearts. Hijab is not to remove all beauty from a woman. Rather, it is to let her define her sense of beauty by donning the dress and character that pleases God.

4. Lower your gaze.

God commands the believing men and women to lower from their gazes in the Qur’an. ((Qur’an 24:30-31)) The imperative word here is “from.” Scholars have commented that looking at each other in and of itself is not prohibited, for if it was the word “from” would have been omitted in the command. However, the command indicates there are some gazes that are not allowed, and this based on Prophetic guidance includes the lustful gaze as well as looking at what is considered ‘awra. Yet, it is common practice for men and women in Muslim activist settings to avoid looking at one another directly in the eyes or in the face, and they are dressed modestly. Some scholars have mentioned that this is praiseworthy as a form of respect. However, in the greater western context, not making eye contact is usually considered awkward and can be seen as distrustful and in an instance like this, we can take our general cultural custom to inform the way we interact within the aforementioned Islamic boundaries.

What this looks like in person: Therefore, in general, the best way to fulfill this requirement is to simply avert your gaze specifically if you find yourself attracted to someone, not to check anyone out, and to avoid looking at certain areas of the body you should not be looking at anyway—most especially if they are uncovered. Otherwise, it’s permissible to simply look a person in the eyes politely when having a conversation. This applies both inside of and outside of Muslim spaces.

What this looks like online/social media: When you put up a picture on social media, be cognizant of what other people are seeing. And if you wouldn’t make a crazy duck face or show certain body parts to a person of the opposite sex in person or look at those things in person, do not post that type of picture or send that picture over SnapChat or stare at those pics if they’re sent to you (which, btw, why are they being sent to you?). Do not deliberately spend time staring at a picture of someone of the opposite sex without purpose. When commenting on a picture—even if it’s of the same gender—avoid statements such as, “Hey sexy!” or “Hot!” especially when you know that person has friends of the opposite sex who will also see those pictures and those comments in their newsfeed.

5. Keep it public.

The Prophetﷺ taught us “…Satan is the third person in an isolated area (khalwah) where there is only a man with a (non-mahram) woman…” (Ibn Al-Atheer – Sahih).

This narration indicates that being alone with one person of the opposite gender who is not a direct relative (mahram) is prohibited in Islam. Being alone constitutes any space which is locked and opaque, or open but totally isolated.

What this looks like in person: In person: Meet in public spaces. Whether it’s in the library or an off-campus café, make sure your professional organizing happens in a public space and at an appropriate time. Even in a public space, a suggestion is to bring a respectful third person or a group of people to make sure you and the other person are not the only ones together, as a way of maintaining a professional environment. This also changes a bit as you grow in different life stages.

If you’re in high school and working on a project, you should definitely bring other people along if you meet outside of school in a café or somewhere informal. If you’re in your fifties and you’re meeting to discuss masjid board policy away from the masjid, meeting in a public space should be sufficient without needing “chaperones.” Imams, for example, have office hours at the masjid, and leave the door open or open their blinds so others can see in, if the door is closed to protect confidentiality. For non-Imams and work spaces, if what you need to meet about is private, like needing crucial advice, simply meeting in a public space should be sufficient as long as you’re both aware of being respectful and keeping things professional. If you can bring a third person who can sit somewhere nearby who is not able to hear the conversation, consider this option. This is not to suggest you and the other person meeting together, in a public space, are going automatically to do something lewd if you don’t. It’s simply to protect your hearts, words and yes, long-term actions, from going down the path of regret—and instead allow both persons to engage each other in a way that inspires true respect and noble love for Allah (swt).

What this looks like online/social media: When applicable, have a third person involved. For example, if you are a female organizing an event and you are emailing a male, yet you know that another male or female is also involved in that specific aspect you’re emailing about, then simply include them in the conversation. Some people when they have to work closely with someone of the opposite gender, simply let them know that they have given their email password to their spouse or trusted sibling, in order to allow everyone to feel like the door to the room is open rather than locked. Others choose to make phone calls when they’re around people and the person they are calling is aware of that fact. The point isn’t to constantly have yourself monitored, it’s really to just build a repertoire between one another in your interactions. By not feeling fully alone together, the relationship remains fraternal and professional.

6. Protect your reputation.

At the outset, it must be stated that the concept of a reputation is misused at times. Sometimes, parents do not allow their daughters specifically to do certain things that they consider immodest or immoral within a specific cultural context due to a fear of what others may say about them. This sometimes causes young women to feel angry and frustrated and often blame Islam for being restrictive when in reality, it’s a specific concept their family has about what is and isn’t appropriate. Misusing the concept of protecting one’s honor has negative and unnecessary ramifications. And yes, people should make 70 excuses for what they see or hear about others. However, at the same time, there is a place in Islam for protecting our reputation and not putting ourselves in situations where another believer may feel concerned about us.

What this looks like in person: This is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ did when walking with his wife Safiya radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her). Someone saw them and the Prophet ﷺ said, “This is Safiya!” They were surprised and said, “Prophet of God! We would never think you had a girlfriend or something like that!” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Yes, but Satan travels through people like blood through the body.” ((Bukhari)) The Prophet’s ﷺtechnical circumstances were halal but he wanted to make sure it was clear and not misunderstood.

What this looks like online/social media: The unfortunate reality of a sister or brother having an inappropriate or unnecessary online relationship has repercussions. For example, with an MSA brother, a sister may become a counselor-like friend and sometimes falls for the brother. The brother sometimes though, turns to her not because he wants to marry her, but because he perhaps enjoys that relationship with a female without having to commit to her and at times, may lead her on. On the flip side in another example, a sister may enjoy informal, intimate conversations and a certain brother’s attention; she may not be interested in marrying him, but enjoys the relationship and may sometimes lead him on. In both scenarios, the sister and brother may get a reputation for being easily used, desperate or whipped. Brothers and sisters: this is about respecting yourself enough that you do not allow yourself to be put in suspect situations that can harm your well-being and reputation in your specific context.

7. No touching.

The Messenger ﷺ stated, “It is better for an iron rod to be driven into the head of a man, than for him to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (Mu’jam al Kabir) Though the word ‘touch’ here is understood by some scholars to be a euphemism for fornication, generally the principle is applied for all unnecessary (non-medical, etc.) touching, as derived from the Prophetic biography.

God tells us, “And do not come near unlawful sexual intercourse.” Not touching is a preventative measure as to what can come that’s greater. The Prophet ﷺnever shook hands when he took the Pledge of Aqaba from the female companions, though he did with the men. This shows at the very least that touching, even by shaking hands with the opposite gender, is not generally encouraged. There should be no casual high fives, no hugs, no physical interaction between sexes who are not closely blood related or married. Not even if you’re “promised” to one another and going to be married soon. Unless you have your written marriage contract (known as the “katb al-kitab” or “`aqd” or “nikah” in different cultures and sometimes considered an engagement after the contract is signed), no physical touching should happen.

But what about shaking hands in our specific context,, as a known form of greeting and professionalism?

Consider Shaykh Yusuf Qaradwi‘s and Shaykh Abdullah bin Bayyah‘s discussions on the issue. His allowance, with caveats, must be read and understood, as it provides an alternative to the typical discussion on prohibition. If you choose not to shake hands, make sure you politely decline with class and creativity. Ensure it’s done in ways that would help hearts feel closer to you rather than turn away in aversion.

8. Be respectful of people’s personal space and levels of comfort.

We deal with different Muslims from different backgrounds. We do not want to impose our gender interaction cultural norms on them. We should try to engage them with what is comfortable for them, without giving up our own rights. This is just basic consideration for how others feel, male and female. Once the Prophet ﷺ even changed the way he was sitting out of his consideration for the modesty of Uthman (ra):

Aisha reports: The Prophet ﷺwas lying down in his house with his thighs or his calves exposed. Abu Bakr asked permission to enter and was permitted while the Prophet ﷺ was in that position and he came in and spoke with him ﷺ. Then, Umar asked permission to enter. He was granted permission and came in and spoke with him ﷺ while in that position. Then, Uthman asked permission and the Prophet ﷺ sat up and straightened his clothing. He was then permitted and came in and spoke with the Prophet ﷺ. After he had gone, Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not get up for him or worry about him and Umar came in and you did not get up for him nor worry about him but when Uthman came in, you straightened out your clothing! The Prophet ﷺ said: “Should I not be shy of a man around whom the angels are shy?” (Muslim)

This is a true act of love for Allah (swt), and such consideration for the comfort levels of the other should be practiced across genders as well.

What this looks like in person: Some people from other countries or ways of thinking do not talk to unrelated members of the opposite sex for any reason (unless an absolute emergency) and are even uncomfortable giving salam (greetings of peace). In our western context, scholars have encouraged men and women to spread the salam to build a sense of support and community especially as a religious minority. Generally speaking, it is praiseworthy to initiate the salam and an obligation to respond to it, ((Qur’an 4:86)) regardless of gender, unless you have good reason to believe it would be understood as flirtatious to do so. If you know someone is uncomfortable, do not put them in an awkward situation—even with something as simple as the salam. At the same time, a man from such an environment may feel uncomfortable with women in the same prayer space and want them to leave. For this, women should ***not*** be expected to leave because of someone else’s discomfort; women should take their Islamic right to worship in the House of God. In this example, it is the other person who needs to practice consideration of her rights.

Another example is to not stand too close to each other when you are talking. If you can smell their breath, shampoo, or deodorant then you are standing too close. If someone takes a step back everytime you take a step forward, then realize they prefer a bigger gap between themselves and you and stop inching forward.

What this looks likes online/social media: If you friend request someone of the opposite gender on Facebook and they don’t confirm, respect their privacy. If someone always CCs a third party when they email you, try to reply all and respect that. When we treat each other with nobility, it fosters trust.

9. Speak in a decent manner.

Perhaps there is no single behavior that more clearly defines our manners than speech. Allah (swt) has many commands about speech in the Qur’an. Its content should be good and decent (2:235). Its tone should be straight-forward (33:70). It should not be made soft on purpose (33:32). It should not be loud and arrogant (31:19). There should be no vain or excessive speech (23:3).

This is interesting as 90% of communication is non-verbal, and most perception comes from our tone of voice. And nothing affects tone of voice like intention. When the intention is good, speech is naturally unaffected and straight-forward, good in both content and delivery. The best way to examine our own hearts sometimes is to use our speech as a window to ourselves so we can ask, “What is going on inside?”

What this look likes in person: Speech is normal. This may appear humorous but as a dear sister once asked, “Why didn’t anyone just tell us to be normal?” In her situation, she was working and wanted to make da`wah (call to Islam) to her co-workers by showing how friendly and extra helpful a Muslim can be. Slightly sheltered in her upbringing, she went out of her way just to be very excited and supportive all the time and it was unfortunately understood as something else. Her version of ‘nice’ was over the top. She realized later that co-workers of the opposite gender, according to the advice of the Human Resources department, simply were to engage each other in a straight-forward, ‘normal’ way which is what Islam encourages anyway. Her speech was simply a mistake; but others actually make the mistake in their intention too. Don’t deliberately try to use an attractive sounding voice, don’t deliberately laugh and giggle for the purpose of drawing flirtatious attention, don’t extend conversations endlessly just to stay in the presence of another person. In other words, just be normal!

What this looks like online/social media: Don’t flirt, don’t be excessive in praise, or dismissive and disrespectful in joking. Use language that you wouldn’t feel shy of the Prophet ﷺ witnessing, knowing Allah (swt) always does.

10. Ensure your circumstances are safe.

One of the conditions for allowing women’s travel alone is safety and ensuring the place of stay. In general, for both men and women, Personal Safety (life, health) in itself is considered one of the greater objectives of Islamic Law. Keep in mind, two people don’t need to be in complete isolation for it to be unsafe.

What this look likes in person: If you’re a sister, going to a brother’s apartment, or a brother going to a sister’s apartment to study for example, even if it is shared with others—that is unsafe. Going into a public parking lot that is empty to get class notes at an odd hour of the night is unsafe. The point is, whether man or woman, be smart about where you meet, choose an appropriate time, and ensure it’s in a safe space.

What this looks like online/social media: Do not put personal information like where you live on your Facebook or other online site. If you’re “checking in” somewhere online, let it be somewhere public and attended by people. For example, if you are at the beach when it’s deserted at night, do not “check in” live on sites or social media where your location can be tracked by strangers, or even people you don’t know well.

________________________

Finally, the pursuit of marriage is the reason many young people get involved in relationships or put themselves in situations they later regret. Marriage is a noble intention, and should be pursued nobly. A guiding principle is the ends don’t justify the means in Islam. The space of Islamic work may be a place where people meet potential spouses, but the work should not be used as an excuse to get attention under the guise of being interested in marriage. Once a person realizes their interest in marriage towards someone is a sustained interest, they should take a respectful and responsible approach. That means, be like Musa, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and talk to her family. Or be like Khadijah (ra), and talk to a reputable friend, preferably married, who can find a tactful way to recommend you. It is permissible to approach the person you’re interested in directly, specifically if you know that’s their personal preference as well since not everyone has a supportive or present family. However, make sure it’s done with respect. When you’re respectful in both means and method, you can pursue your intention for marriage through its blessed path, and continue your Islamic work/volunteering on its own blessed path.

Inter-gender relations can be tricky, but remember: Just be normal! With the right intention, with purpose, and with efforts to try our best with the general guidelines God has revealed for our work together, we can focus on ensuring that our relationships lead to benefiting ourselves, our families, our societies and the world at large, with God’s will.

It is hoped that this inter-gender relations summary be of service to brothers and sisters everywhere. May Allah (swt) ennoble our character, manners, and disposition with what pleases Him most. May He allow us to practice both the spirit and letter of His guidance for us. May He forgive our many shortcomings and mistakes. May Allah increase us in His remembrance, gratitude, guidance, and beautify our worship. May He accept from us all. Ameen.

Originally published in November 2011

Question: Is marital rape allowed in Islam?

Answer: As salaamu alaykum,

Thank you for asking this important question which has come to the fore in recent times, and which has been the cause of confusion for many people. Here are some important points to take into consideration when learning about this issue:

• It is absolutely haram (unlawful) for a man to harm his wife. The Prophet ﷺ prohibited harming others in general,¹ and intensified that prohibition for harming other believers.² If one is taught to hold ordinary people – with whom one shares no special relationship – in such sanctity, then what of the person one is linked to in the “weighty, serious bond” of marriage (Qur’an 4:21); who is one’s “garment” (2:187), and who lives under one’s ri’aaya, care and shepherdship, as mentioned in a prophetic tradition?³ Allah has described marriage as a relationship of kindness, mercy and love (30:21), and commands men to deal with their wives in an honorable way (4:19). Rape, abuse, ill treatment, and inflicting harm – be it physical, verbal or psychological – are completely unacceptable in such a relationship.
• It is true that the contract of marriage grants a husband the right to intimacy with his wife, and vice versa, however, this does not imply that one can seek to obtain this right violently or forcefully. Just as in any situation in which one has been deprived of one’s due rights, one must go through the proper channels to resolve the matter in a just and honorable way. At no time does it become permissible for someone to take it upon themselves to harm the other party in a misguided attempt to ‘take their right’. This would amount to a type of vigilantism or seeking of personal vengeance that has no place in Islamic tradition, in which we are taught to defer such disputes to those with religious and legal authority. This is clearly indicated in the words of the great scholar Taqi al-Din al-Subki, in his commentary on some verses of the Qur’an related to marriage:

“At the time when it becomes obligatory for a husband to provide financial support, clothing, (and other such provisions) for his wife, he should exert himself in doing so, and not be negligent in this duty such that his wife would have to file a complaint of his negligence with the judge [haakim], and in so doing spend from her own expenditures. …Similarly, a wife should be responsive to her husband’s request for intimacy, such that he would not need to bring a complaint (against her) to the judge, and in so doing spend from his own expenditures.”⁴

From these statements we see that a husband’s or wife’s proper recourse, when confronted with a marital issue they are unable to resolve, is to turn to the appropriate authority for guidance and direction. Violence or force of any kind is not an option.

• People often defend such behavior by citing prophetic traditions that strongly discourage women from refusing their husbands if they approach them for intimacy. While these texts underscore the importance of a wife fulfilling her spouse’s sexual needs (a reminder the Prophet ﷺ gave to men in a number of statements as well,⁵) they cannot be used to justify force. One such text goes on to describe the husband as one who, after being refused, “goes to bed angry.”⁶ If it were truly acceptable for a man to force himself on his wife, why wasn’t such an act mentioned here as a viable alternative to his wife’s refusal?
• Some people also seek to confuse this issue by citing the verses in the Qur’an that outline a disciplinary method of dealing with a wife who is nashiz.^{7 8} These verses are probably among the most misunderstood, misused and misapplied of the Qur’an in our times, and must be understood in their proper exegetical context. Since an in-depth explanation of these verses is beyond the scope of this article, it will be sufficient to state that darb – which is often translated as ‘to strike lightly or tap’ – has been strictly defined by our scholars and has numerous restrictions and conditions.⁹ From among them is that it is done in a manner that would not cause humiliation or harm to the person, and that it is only done when it is a means of helping reconcile between the spouses, and is not a cause of resentment, enmity or hatred between them.¹⁰ It is impossible for such verses – whether looked at lexically, exegetically, or otherwise – to be used to excuse violent or forced sexual relations with one’s wife. Dr. Jamal Badawi succinctly rejects these types of false claims by stating,

“Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any Muslim can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Qur’an or hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person(s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet.”¹¹

• Though marital rape would not warrant a hadd punishment¹² in accordance to Shari`ah, this in no way means that such an act is acceptable or that it would go unpunished by an Islamic court. Some people mistakenly believe that the hadd punishments are the only ones that exist in Islamic law, but that is not the case.  Even if an act does not fall into one of the specified categories for hadd punishment, a qadi [judge] still has the right to punish the person with imprisonment, corporal punishment (lashing), or anything else he deems suitable for the situation, the crime committed and the guilty individual (which is called zajr or ta’zeer).¹³ Some scholars even state that a wife who has been assaulted in such a manner by her spouse has the right to jirah, or civil redress, for her injuries.¹⁴
• Some scholars condemn such an assault as sinful and despicable while at the same time deeming it inappropriate to be labeled as ‘rape’. This is because of the presumption of consent implicit in the legal contract of marriage. It is important to note that such statements are not intended to condone the behavior, but are simply an expression of legal exactness. When taking such a case into consideration, scholars would not base a punishment on the sexual act itself, but on the harms, both psychological and physical, that stem from it. Such an assault – however it is labeled – is still considered by scholars to be unacceptable, sinful, and susceptible to punishment.
• If a man finds his wife unreceptive to his overtures of intimacy, he should put in some effort to be attentive, affectionate, and kind to his wife, and to fulfill the numerous recommendations the Prophet ﷺ made in regards to intimacy. Such problems may also be symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship that need to be resolved. One should always take an introspective, constructive, and proactive approach to dealing with problems, focusing first on how one can change one’s own behavior to improve the situation, instead of simply blaming the other party or seeking to ‘punish’. It may also be necessary to seek counseling and advice from others who have expertise in these matters.
• An individual who engages in assault and abuse of any kind, especially towards family members, shows signs of underlying psychological problems that need to be treated. There is no level of frustration, anger, or overwhelming grievances – no matter how legitimate they may seem – that pardons such dehumanizing and callous behavior.

I hope these points have shed some light on this issue, and have made it clear that marital rape is not allowed or condoned by our deen, and is in fact a sinful act that a person can be held accountable for in this life, before the hereafter. In the very first verse in the chapter of the Qur’an entitled “Women”, Allah Most High warns us to be fearful of Him in demanding our rights upon each other. He in fact warns us to be fearful of Him twice in this verse, a sign of the seriousness with which we should take such matters:

“O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from a single soul and created from it its mate, and dispersed from both of them countless men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you demand your mutual rights, and (reverence) the wombs that bore you: Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer.” (Qur’an, 4:1)

In conclusion, the Prophet ﷺ taught, “Only a noble man treats women in an honorable manner and only an ignoble man of low character treats women disgracefully.”¹⁵ May Allah make us people of noble character, who fear God in our dealings with others and who weigh our deeds and words well before they are weighed for us on the Day of Judgment.

Allah knows best.

Few scholars (and yet many “religious” Muslims) claim that women scholars should not teach mixed gatherings openly as men scholars do and that if she does she should do so behind a curtain. It is also suggested as evidence against this that women should generally stay at home and that her face as well as her voice is of her nakedness (`aura), and they shouldn’t be seen or heard! For those who came to Islam or latched on to it because it is generally so practical and reasonable, you are probably thinking, well, that is ridiculous. The following article will show the strong scriptural refutation most scholars would make against such claims.

The discussion is mainly based in the commentary and juristic interpretation of surah al-Ahzab (Qur’an 33). Surah al-Ahzab is themed contextually with many verses over a few pages which address the pronoun for the feminine plural. These are always referring back to “the wives or women of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) (أزواج أو نساء النبي)” whereas the word “female believers (مؤمنات)” is only used once at the very end of the context in the verse enjoining the modest covering of Islam which is customarily referred to as Hijab in English. This can be confusing because the “verse of Hijab” is not referring to the modest clothing; rather it was an injunction for us to ask the wives of the Prophet ﷺ from behind a curtain when visiting their homes.

The first occurrence of the feminine plural pronoun is in dealing with the Prophet’s wives desire for extra wealth and provisions. God tells them that if they desire this worldly life then the Prophet should divorce them whereas if they want the Hereafter then that is the reward for exceptional Muslims:

“Dear Prophet, tell your wives that if they want this life and its adornments…” (Qur’an, 33:28).

The next time the pronoun appears, it is referring back to a specific warning against the wives of the Prophet ﷺ from sexual immorality which will bring a double punishment.

“Dearest women of the Prophet whoever among you would commit adultery…” (Qur’an, 33:30).

The next verse with the plural feminine pronoun makes the case in point of the whole issue!

“Dear wives of the Prophet, You are not like any other women. If you are to be pious then do not speak in a soft sweet tone which could lead a person with a diseased heart to get the wrong idea. Live in tranquility in your homes and don’t make a spectacle of yourselves as the women did before Islam…” (Qur’an, 33:32-33).

This verse is clearly denoting the special status of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ and how they carry a much more specific and cautious ruling. As we saw in the previous verses, the deeds of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ carry double the impact and so naturally the law carries double the seriousness. There are clearly unique rules to the wives such as the fact that they do not inherit from the Prophet ﷺ, no man can marry them after, and according to many commentators and jurists, they should stay home and if visited, they should speak from behind a curtain.

The surah then goes into the generality of spiritual equality between women and men, and then goes into a page and a half of other matters clearly moving away from the specificity of either the wives of the Prophet ﷺ or the women believers.

It picks back up admonishing the Prophet ﷺ and his wives about the general rules of their relationship and again we have reference to the plural feminine pronoun again referring to the Prophet’s wives.

“Dear prophet, We have permitted you to be with your wives to whom you have given the bridal dowry…” (Qur’an, 33:50).

Immediately following that is the “verse of the Hijab”. Let us look at the verse and see who it was referring to and the scholarly difference of interpretation and what may have led to such difference while it will probably seem plain and evident to most readers.

“Dear believers don’t hang around the Prophet’s house hoping to be invited for a meal. If you are invited, then go and eat, but don’t linger around too long afterwards hoping to talk as that often annoyed the Prophet and he was shy to tell you to leave. God is not shy to say the truth. If you ask them (feminine plural), then do so from behind a curtain. That is purer for your (masculine plural) hearts and theirs (feminine plural). You must not annoy the Prophet nor should you ever marry his wives after he passes. Indeed these are of the most serious of affairs to God.” (Qur’an, 33:53)

Three verses later, the surah reveals the injunction for the modest covering women are to wear and God felt it necessary to specify the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, his daughters and all the believing women so as to leave no doubt about its legislative intention.

“Dear prophet, tell your wives, your daughters and the believing women to cover their entire bodies with clothing…” (Qur’an, 33:59).

This was the last verse in the surah using the plural feminine pronoun in which we see all previous verses specifying that to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Interpretations of the Verse Regarding Staying at Home

As you can see, the context and linguistics is addressing the wives of the Prophet ﷺ, although some scholars said that it should address all other female believers as well since they are our example. They said it is similar to the verses which address the Prophet ﷺ. On the other hand, other scholars held the position of the specificity of the text to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ as both a specific admonition and to clarify their special status.

Prominent Classical Commentaries

Al-Tabari (310) — Indicates that the verse about staying in the house except for need is for all women. He narrates many narrations of circumstances in which the verse of Hijab was revealed all of which indicate it is specific to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ. He does mention one opinion of Qatada that it was for all homes to have a curtain between strange men and the women of the house. Ibn Kathir follows Imam al-Tabari’s commentary.

Ibn Atiya (546) — Makes no mention of the verses being general for all women rather his commentary follows the natural linguistics which are specific to wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Ibn al-Jawzi (597) — Makes no mention of the verses being general for all women rather his commentary follows the natural linguistics which are specific to wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Imam al-Razi (606) — Makes no mention of the verses being general for all women rather his commentary follows the natural linguistics which are specific to wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Al-Qurtubi (671) — Indicates that the rulings are general for all women.

Al-Nasafi (710) — Makes no mention of the verses being general for all women rather his commentary follows the natural linguistics which are specific to wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Imam Al-Sutooti (864) — Makes no mention of the verses being general for all women rather his commentary follows the natural linguistics which are specific to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ.

Ibn Ashoor (1393) — Actually makes the point that the verses are specific to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ when speaking about things which the believing women weren’t generally commanded to elsewhere in the Qur’an. He states that it would be noble for a believing woman to follow them, but she is not obligated to.

Related Hadiths

Ibn Hajar, radi Allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him), narrates the hadith in his commentary on al-Bukhari — This verse stay in your homes is in reality specific to the wives of the Prophet ﷺ since Umm Salamah used to say: “I won’t be moved by a camel’s back until I am reunited with the Prophet,” (al-Fath 3561).

It is also narrated in most of the historical commentaries how after the verse of Hijab was revealed, Umar saw Sawdah (ra) — the wife of the Prophet ﷺ— walking around outside for some reason and asked her why she is outside. She went and asked the Prophet ﷺ about Umar’s rebuking her and he responded: “God has permitted you to go out if you need to,” (Muslim 2170).

It is also narrated in many sound narrations that after the loss of the Battle of the Camel led by A’ishah (ra), she would cry when reading the verse about staying in the house.

Is a Woman’s Face of her Nakedness?

In Sura al-Noor men and women were commanded to lower their gaze since the face is apparent. So if that is to be a proof for men not watching a female speaker then that would also prevent women from watching a male speaker. The vast majority of the scholars say that the face and hands of a woman are not from her nakedness, but should still not be stared at. In commenting on this verse many commentators particularly from the Hanafis say that the injunction to lower the gaze is understood at the moment of desire. If there is no desire then the verse is inapplicable. Others said that the restriction is lightened in professional interactions like buying and selling or teaching etc.

Is a Woman’s Voice of her Nakedness?

Hanafi’s: Ibn Abideen Al-Darr Al-Mukhtar: “Like her face and hands, her voice is not of her nakedness.”

Maliki’s: Hashiyat al-Dasooqi: “It is said that the women’s voice is not of her nakedness since we have so many female scholars of Hadith. It can only be of her nakedness if a man is attracted by it so then it would be disliked to listen to it.” It is the well-established opinion that her voice is not nakedness as mentioned by al-Adawi.

Shafi’ee: Majmoo al-Nawawi: “It was said that Al-Qadhi Husain was asked if the woman’s voice is of her nakedness and he answered that both opinions are found in the school, but that the more correct is that it isn’t.”

Hanbali: Insaaf al-Mardawi: “It is the more correct opinion that the voice of a woman is not of her nakedness.”

Dr. Su’ad Salih the previous Deen of Islamic Law at Azhar University says the there is nothing wrong with a female scholar teaching a mixed gathering since it is well established that great women scholars of the past did so. There is nothing in the scripture that would prohibit a modest woman of knowledge and character to preach to the masses. She states that the fact widows were commanded to stay in the house for mourning is evidence that generally they may leave the house. She similarly negates the claim that a woman’s voice is of her nakedness since the Qur’an did ask us to ask the wives of the Prophet ﷺ behind a curtain thus hearing their voice. She also reminds us that there were thousands of female scholars of hadith and fiqh who taught many men. The verse does not prohibit all speech; rather it forbids a sweet soft toned voice that may be seen as attractive:

“…If you are to be pious then do not speak in a soft sweet tone which could lead a person with a diseased heart to get the wrong idea.” (Qur’an 33:32)

Dr. Husam al-Farfoor and Dr. Abdul-Hameed al-Ubaydee, both professors of comparative jurisprudence in Syria and Iraq as well as the great scholar Muhammad Al-Didow al-Shanqeeti agree with her fatwa.

By Shaykh Dr Mohammad Akram Nadwi

www.CambridgeIslamicCollege.org

This Ramadan I had the good fortune to be able to do the retreat in the last 10 days of the month. Throughout those days I recited the Qur’an and reflected on it and many things came to my mind fresh. For example, I read that God will reward a good deed 10 times over or more than that. As for a bad deed, there is only a single punishment the equivalent of that deed. But then when I read more closely, I noticed that God has said that with that punishment there is humiliation (ذلة). At once I understood why there is no need for God to punish a bad deed with more than its equivalent — the sinner is punished in the conscience of his failure to have avoided that bad deed and done some good instead. I also understood afresh the reality that this Qur’an is indeed the word of the One who created man’s nature, who knows the inside and the outside of it, who knows the good it can do and enables that good, and who teaches and guides us on the straight path. There is no sin that does not become a means of good through repentance and seeking forgiveness. And God is ever ready to forgive. In retrospect therefore, but only in retrospect, a sin is itself a good thing if and when, but only if and when, it leads to the virtue of repentance. The Creator is the all-Merciful, and His guidance through the Qur’an and through the teaching of His Messenger is a mercy also.

That being the case, when we turn to the Qur’an and to the teaching of God’s Messenger, we should do so confident that the guidance we find therein is sufficient for us to live our lives in the way that produces good for ourselves and for our communities, here and now, and over the long term, meaning in what we leave behind for the next generations and what we carry forward to the judgment in the hereafter. The Qur’an and the teaching of God’s Messenger are not obstacles, they are not hindrances that we must use our clever wits to find a way around. Our clever wits and our energies are not to be used for that sort of “interpretation.” The Qur’an and Sunnah (prophetic traditions) are not burdens that we must strive to throw off, or to lighten in ways that are not already envisaged in the Qur’an and Sunnah (prophetic traditions). In the Qur’an and the teaching of God’s Messenger taken together there are both the general principles and the practical example we need to take good decisions in how we train our consciences and order our affairs. In other religious communities — to a limited extent also among the Shi`a (sect of Muslims) — the believers take to producing images and icons of their first-teacher as a way of focusing respect and reverence. In the mainstream Islamic tradition however, that energy was devoted, instead of building statues or painting icons, into collecting and transmitting a detailed record of what God’s Messenger said and did, what he approved and disapproved. The result of that effort is the great body of prophetic traditions which are the basis of the norms and rules that guide the life of the Muslim individual and the community. In my work on the women scholars of Islam, I have tried to record their dedication as students and teachers in preserving and transmitting that body of traditions. I have found that there is no difference in the degree of obligation, as between men and women, to study and teach that guidance. I have found that there is no difference in the degree of authority that men or women have as teachers of that guidance. I have found that there are very few if any limitations, either in principle or in practice, that distinguish between what men can do in the service of Islam and what women can do in the same service.

The Diploma in History of Female Scholarship in Islam has already begun but people can still sign up for the course. Recordings will be provided for all previously missed session. For more information and to register, please visit: http://www.cambridgeislamiccollege.org/course/diploma-in-history-of-female-islamic-scholarship

It is true of every human institution that, over time, the reasons for the founding of that institution, and the energy that went into it, become obscured and weakened in many respects. This has certainly been true of the institutions related to the teaching of Islam. That is why the greatest of Islamic scholars have always emphasized, again and again, over and over, that we must check all derived judgments by reference to the sources. ‘By the sources’ is meant the textual sources of the Qur’an and the prophetic traditions, and to a lesser extent the historical record of the practice of the earliest generations of the Muslim community. Let me give you an example of what happens when, instead of checking with reference to the sources, we simply adhere to rules or habits we have inherited. During my retreat in Ramadan, which I did in my local mosque, sometimes men would come over to me and ask questions. One of the things I was asked was whether it was permissible for women to enter into retreat in a mosque. People became very disturbed, even annoyed, when I said that it was permissible. Some people insisted that it was not. Of course, that was not the time and place to get into an argument with anyone, and so I excused myself and asked to be permitted to return to my silence. However, there are very clear and authenticated traditions from `A’ishah, radiAllahu `anha (may God be pleased with her), and other Companions that confirm that, during the lifetime of God’s Messenger, women were not prevented from entering into retreat in the mosque. So, you see the importance and the necessity of turning to the sources, and therefore the importance and the necessity of preserving, transmitting and referring to the traditions of God’s Messenger.

The differences that there are, and perhaps there will always be, among Muslims can only be resolved in a peaceful way if, as the Qur’an itself clearly commands, we allow the issue in hand to be resolved by the arbitration of God’s Messenger and, in addition to that, we accept that arbitration without rancour, without resentment.

Now, in the time and place that we are living in, it sounds very agreeable to the dominant culture that Muslim women are allowed to do something that Muslim men are allowed to do. Okay. But what then, when the same body of prophetic traditions teaches us, with the same clarity, and the same certainty, that there are some things that men are allowed to do but women are not, and vice versa? That is when as Muslims we find out whether what we are striving to do is our own will, or God’s will. That is when we discover whether we truly believe that the judgment of God’s Messenger is better than our judgment. As a Muslim I believe, and as a scholar it is my duty to teach and explain, that the merciful Creator of mankind, of women as well as men, knows what is most appropriate for the well-being of mankind, of women as well as men. God sees the well-being of mankind from his absolute and universal perspective, so this human well-being encompasses not the momentary happiness of particular individuals but the well-being of their relationships with other people near them and far from them, with other people in their own time and in the future, with the rest of the natural world in their immediate and their future environment, and above all in their relationship with their Creator. So it is the case that when men (or women) settle on norms and rules and habits that are not soundly based on the guidance of God and His Messenger, for example by developing restrictions on what women can learn and what activities they can pursue, the natural potential of individuals and societies is damaged. But so also it is the case that when men (or women) say that they will just live the way that seems pleasant and right to them, with no regard whatever for any religious tradition, then also, alongside what seems pleasant and right, there will be profound and long-lasting damage to the natural potential of both individuals and societies. And I do not know, except in the hope of God’s mercy, how then we can recover from the social or environmental breakdowns that our lifestyles provoke, or how much harder it will then become even to see, let alone follow, the straight path to God’s forgiveness.

The great Muslim women that I have written about in the Muhaddithat were Muslims before and above anything else. I neither find it agreeable nor useful to think of them as a sort of feminists, engaged in some kind of social or political battle to win their rights against the abuse of those rights by men. Such abuses exist; injustices against women exist; they are a real fact of life in Muslim societies as in others, perhaps more so. And no doubt the battle for rights, for justice, must be engaged. But my work has not been, and is not, about that battle. It is primary a historical study of the role and authority of women in the Islamic tradition. This authority was shared with men, even if in terms of numbers, men dominated the field.

Mohammad Akram Nadwi

Cambridge Islamic College

By Louiza Chekhar

“It sounds to me like all we need to do is just… be normal?”

“That’s exactly it! It’s all about being normal.”

This was the exchange between a shaykh (religious scholar) and an attendee at a course in London last year. He and a fellow teacher had just spoken about how our community needs to become better at listening to, understanding and accepting others, and just how far a little compassion can go – a hug from a stranger was instrumental in the shaykh’s own journey to Islam. My fellow attendee had listened to these eloquent speeches and summed them up in two simple words: ‘Be normal.’

In fact, I have heard this lesson given several times, each in its own way. Imam Suhaib Webb covered it a couple of years ago in a lecture entitled ‘Be Human’. One of my own teachers in London gave a class on nasiha (advice) last year, telling us how it was part of the sunnah (tradition) of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) to know and understand people and their situations. This is why there are so many ahadith (prophetic narrations) on how to be ‘the best’ – “The best of you is slow to get angry and quick to cool down,” ((Tirmidhi)) “The best of you are those who are best to their families,” ((Tirmidhi)) “The best of you are those who feed others” ((Abu Ya’la)) … The list goes on. The Prophet ﷺ knew to whom he was speaking in each instance and what they needed to hear, and he gave advice accordingly. He once forbade a young man from kissing his wife while fasting, but gave permission to an old man to do the same, as he was less likely to become carried away ((Ahmad)) – he understood that different circumstances call for different measures.

These seem like really obvious points: that Islam, like the world, is not black and white; that apart from a few key, unanimously agreed-upon tenets of faith and practice, there are shades of grey in most areas; that the best way to relate to people and help them is to know them, listen to them, understand and care for them. Yet the same lessons keep being repeated for a reason – that people continue to act like the brother Imam Suhaib describes in his lecture, telling a newly-converted sister, about whom he knew absolutely nothing, that “her dress is cursed by Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).”

But why are some Muslims like this? Shaykh Hamza Yusuf once observed that many young extremist Muslims are trained in the sciences, in which questions have clearly definable right or wrong answers, rather than the arts or humanities, where ambiguities, differing points of view and multiple interpretations are deeply explored. In my experience, it is not just about academic studies, but cultural experience too. Despite living in the UK, some Muslims I know have grown up cocooned within their own micro-culture; they socialised only with others of the same ethnic and cultural background both inside and outside school, and were exposed only to the Islamic practices and teachings common in their parents’ homelands. They are some of the loveliest and most sincere people I know masha’Allah (as Allah has willed), but they are often shocked and uncertain about the way my family (mixed-race, with one convert parent) does things. Even though we are all living within the boundaries of Islam and what is halal (permissible), they find it difficult to accept practices outside of their own madhhab (school of jurisprudence), culture, or family’s way of doing things.

Hearing lectures, attending classes and studying the seerah (biography) of the Prophet ﷺ are all great ways to understand the necessity of ‘being human’ from an Islamic perspective – but these qualities of being open-minded, accepting and understanding should also be developed naturally, as part of our personalities and characters:

1. Study arts and humanities: If you want to study History, Literature or Sociology, go for it. These subjects teach us to see the same events, behaviours or writings from various perspectives, exploring the multiple ways they can be interpreted and the impact they have on different people. Parents: please don’t push your children into Medicine or Engineering if it is not their forte; we need more Muslims in the arts!
2. Make friends with a variety of people: Don’t stick to those from your own background – don’t even just stick to Muslims. The more we get to know different people, the more we realise just how beautifully diverse yet equally valuable Allah (swt) has made the world, accepting differences without shock or distrust: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colours.” (Qur’an, 30:22)
3. If you can’t do 1 or 2, read fiction: Some people are natural scientists, which is just as well, or we would not have any doctors or engineers! Equally, we are not all fortunate enough to live in culturally diverse areas where we can make friends of various backgrounds – but one thing we can all do is go to the local library and pick up a novel. As a child, I read books for hours on end, getting lost in countless fictional worlds. I saw inside the hearts of characters unlike anyone I knew in real life, learning to put myself in their shoes and view situations and experiences through different eyes. I travelled in my mind to far-away countries in which I have still never set foot, and grew to know and love these fictional people and places. I understood, accepted and appreciated them in all their diversity, cultivating a much broader worldview than my upbringing in suburban London alone could have given me.

Relating to others on a human level is crucial: in that class on advice, my teacher told us of a scholar who once refused to give him and a group of students nasiha even when they asked him to. He protested that because he did not know them and their situation or needs, he could not be sure to give advice that would cause more good than harm. I pray that we are all able to ‘be normal’, understand and accept one another, and live up to Allah’s (swt) vision for mankind: “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another,” (some translations add “not that you may despise one another”) (Qur’an, 49:13).

Through discussion and community work, I have come to realize that I am not alone in these realizations. So many Muslims, especially females, have long felt underrepresented at these mainstream Islamic gatherings. If one attends these events solely for an ‘iman-boost’ (faith-boost) or to add to already healthy spiritual states, that’s great – but what about those sisters struggling to gain footing in the job market and sitting quietly in the audience while listening to the speaker’s biased views on females in the workplace? What about the silencing of brothers in the audience suffering from depression or low self-esteem by constantly being compared to the manliness of the Sahabah (companions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him) they are encouraged to emulate? Some might question whether or not it is the responsibility of these events to delve deeper and strive to form connections with the audience through recognizing their struggles – many of which are dependent on race, gender, and context. However, considering that Islamic events serve (somewhat) to the fill the gap between the mosque and the home, and for many Muslims are their only means to direct Islamic learning, I would answer that question with a resounding yes.

I now know that I was certainly not the only one who often left these gatherings feeling worse than before I entered. For me, I left feeling as though I was never Muslim enough, feminine enough, good enough – I simply was not enough. Reading the work of shame-expert Brené Brown has led me to the sad conclusion that the spiritual bypass so many of us experience as a result of attending these events may be in part due to the fact that our Islamic teachings are often delivered in a package of shame. This has less to do with the teachings themselves – which are glorious and uplifting – and more to do with the scare-tactics employed by those doing the teaching.

Perhaps we feel miserable and inadequate at these events because we are shamed for the burdens we carry.

Shame on you for having done drugs and alcohol.

Shame on you for having a boyfriend or toying with the idea.

Shame on you for having a poor relationship with your parents.

Shame on you for occasionally missing your prayers.

Shame on you for ever considering removing your hijab (headscarf).

Shame on you for being sexually assaulted.

These things may not be said overtly, but they are certainly implied. Even when we are reminded to find solace in God’s forgiveness and mercy, this usually is preceded by dollops of shame, shame, and more shame. How do you recognize this shame? Sit with your feelings, and question whether or not what you have heard has actually had a deep impact on your life – or has left you feeling terrible about yourself. Remember, the true teachings of Islam liberate the human mind and soul. If you have found yourself experiencing the opposite, which is undoubtedly some form of oppression, it is high time to question whether it is actually Islam you are learning – or the subjective views of another individual or group. If what you have learned had any true impact on you, know that your behaviour would have changed. You would have become the better person you wished to be. You would have gone from being inspired to becoming a source of inspiration.

For many – I would argue most of us in fact – this just is not happening.

Instead, like a drug fiend looking for a high, we attend event after event searching for that iman-rush. Once the high of the hit has faded, we go back to our terrible habits and troubling states of mind – subconsciously seeking the next event or gathering to fill our spiritual voids.

I am not blaming the events, the event organizers or the speakers. Nor am I blaming you and me. I just think it is high time for all of us to start asking questions like: Do I truly have the intention to change after attending X event or seminar? From whom and from where am I learning my Islam? What perspective or worldview is informing this speaker’s understanding of Islam – and is it truly Islamic? Am I using this Islamic event to genuinely grow, or just to make myself feel better without any practical intention of changing? Is the knowledge I am learning spiritually fulfilling, or is it time that I seek something greater?

These are all very personal questions and the answers will be even more subjective. However, if we are looking to overcome the spiritual impasse we have found ourselves in, it is critical that we begin to take a closer look at ourselves and our surroundings. To answer the above questions will take intentional self-awareness, honesty, courage, increased emotional intelligence, and a striving towards critical thinking. It will also require striving to learn Islam on one’s own; to engage in a healthy amount of self-study to equip oneself with the truth, rather than solely relying on external resources to fulfill one’s personal responsibility for seeking knowledge.

With some soul-searching and healthy questioning, you may find that in actuality, Islamic events have been taking the place of what you truly really need: a personal teacher, a therapist, a friend, a loving family member, a community, acceptance, an Islamic identity – the list goes on.

I believe that one’s Islamic self-concept should extend outside of Islamically conducive environments such as events, lectures, halaqahs, retreats or the mosque, into other realms of one’s life. Only then can we truly examine the practical impact that our learning is having on our lives. Anyone can be a great Muslim when surrounded by other great Muslims at various events and gatherings, but the truth is in who you are when you are with your family, at work, at school and, especially, when you are alone.

As well as calling my brothers and sisters in faith to self-examine, I also call for a reform in our delivery of and approach to Islamic events.

For organizers:

• Know your audience – for example, if you have found a spike in the number of deaths due to drugs in your community, organise less conferences on marital relations and more on drug abuse.
• Focus less on surface issues such as how to segregate the genders, and more on the spiritual condition of your community members.
• Intentionally choose speakers who understand your community’s needs and are equipped with not only sound Islamic knowledge, but an inherent – and practical – wisdom and spirituality.
• Quality > Quantity. Seek to draw spirituality, and not just high attendance numbers.
• Invite speakers from diverse backgrounds, different ethnicities, careers and both genders. Focus too on capitalizing on the talents of intellectuals who already exist in your community as opposed to consistently bringing in speakers from outside.

For speakers:

• Have an understanding of the community in which you are presenting, and seek to relate personally to the audience.
• Gain self-awareness and recognize when your personal bias is leaking into your Islamic teachings. Learn to separate and critically examine the two.
• Encourage questioning and healthy debate in your circles.
• Refrain from shaming and, instead, be compassionate.
• Identify spiritual and religious weaknesses without putting people down – you never know who is listening and what they may be going through.

For the individual:

• Be aware of what you are learning and from whom.
• Always question in order to learn, not to debate.
• Be intentional in engaging with any Islamic event. Ask yourself, “What do I hope to gain from this?”
• Engage in constant and personal self-learning from reliable Islamic resources and individuals.
• Recognize that the solutions to your issues may not be found at an Islamic event and that instead, you may need to consider other resources.
• Pay attention to how you feel at any given Islamic event. If there is a mismatch between how you truly feel and how you should feel, explore that. Your body, mind and spirit are telling you something.
• Attempt to practically apply any lessons that you learn, and explore where any difficulties in doing so may come from.

I pray that this piece encourages us all to increase in self-awareness, personal spirituality, and intentional engagement in the community through Islamic events and gatherings. The solutions above are mere suggestions; only you can identify the blockages that have led to a personal or communal spiritual bypass, and only you can strive to remove them.

And Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted it He) knows best.

By

I still remember my mother’s homemade vanilla ice cream. I remember the weekend getaway with my mom and dad, when I was around four. I remember my mom beautifying herself for her husband with an exquisite collection of perfume, makeup and lipstick. My mother was my universe: everything about her felt right, beautiful, and correct. She was a strict parent, but she was just, cheerful and loving as well. This was a couple of decades ago. Today, I am 24, and those beautiful shades of my mother have been fading away with time.

Now, my mother rarely smiles. She stopped cooking for us a long time ago. The maid does everything, including teaching me traditional recipes (something that would be more special coming from one’s own mother). Moreover, she has also stopped pampering herself over the years. Now when I look at my mother, I see a lot of fatigue, I feel a lot of resentment, sadness and anger. Her husband has been unfaithful and unjust to her for decades. She must have wondered: Why bother? Why put all the effort when I am still going to be cheated on? Why try new recipes for a man who does not eat at home anymore? Why give him all of my heart, when I know that I am going to be hurt, over and over again?

In my country, infidelity is common practice among men (Muslims and non-Muslims alike). The double standard in our culture baffles me: Wives are expected to remain obedient and chaste to their husbands, while husbands allow themselves to commit adultery, secretly and openly. This mentality has intoxicated younger generations as well. Young men debate with young girls about “their right” to be unfaithful to their wives. Since I only had limited knowledge about Islam back then (praying 5 times a day, and fasting during the month of Ramadan), I truly began to believe that religion had no say in the matter.

Although my West African country is a secular state, I grew up surrounded by many Muslim neighbors and friends in my hometown. The problem is, many of those Muslims grew up without truly understanding their faith, taking it more as a tradition rather than a complete way of life. Arabic is not our first language, and the sacred texts are sometimes presented to the common Muslims as something harsh, restraining, and — unfortunately — backwards. There is a big gap between Muslim clerics and “modern Muslims”, and one group enjoys making fun of the other. Consequently, the common people have made their own rules as to what is permissible and forbidden, gender roles, and, as you have probably guessed, rules regarding the chastity of men and women.

I used to be very confused about Islam as a teenager. I was going to the madrasa (Islamic school) every weekend to learn Qur’an with tajweed (proper pronunciation), but I had so many questions, I was afraid to ask my teacher (who used to be kind, but a little too conservative for me). Please understand that the following questions were based on my ignorance at the time:

Why are Muslim women not allowed to go to the mosque in our town? Why are (Muslim) boys allowed to go out to nightclubs while (Muslim) girls must stay at home? Why do women have to cover themselves, while men are allowed to dress as they want? Is modesty a requirement for women only? Why is a woman supposed to be a virgin for her future spouse, when a man is expected to have already committed zina (adultery) before marriage?

Fathers do not seem to realize how much their actions impact not only their sons, but also their daughters. Infidelity destroys the family: When dad is not faithful to mom, in most cases, the children know it. They are just too embarrassed to talk about it. Children notice that mom is not happy anymore, and that dad does not stay at home very often. Therefore, they no longer look up to their fathers, and in the case of daughters, many find solace in impermissible relationships. The daughter does not perceive marriage as a source of love, rather, as an institutionalized prison for women. She does not appreciate gheerah (protective jealousy) from her father anymore, because she is still having a hard time comprehending why he would not protect himself from sinning with another man’s daughter.

These facts broke my heart to pieces. I began to believe that our religion was favoring men over women, because nobody spoke out against the issue, and certainly not “religious people”. At one point, I even considered leaving Islam if I did not find clear answers to my questions. I needed a sense of peace, a sense of justice. Little did I know about the gems of surah (chapter) 7: Al A’raf, and surah 24: An Noor. Little did I know about the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) love for modesty and his recommendation to Muslim men: kindness to their wives, and being the best to their families.

AlhamdulilLah (thank God), my perception of Islam changed when I went to do my university studies in the U.S. For the first time, I saw sisters going to the masjid (mosque), youth being proud of being Muslims, and sisters proudly wearing their hijab. In this environment, Islamic tradition and modernity went hand in hand. Over time, I learned in the Noble Qur’an verses that bring me peace until today:

“Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do.” (Qur’an, 16:97)

Wait: Do you mean that men will have to answer about their misdeeds just as women will? What about fornication and adultery?

“Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.” (Qur’an, 24:30)

Masha’Allah (what God wills)! Chastity is also a man’s duty. Nobody had told me this. Naturally, I felt a lot more at ease when I read the following verse:

“And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests […]” (Qur’an, 24:31)

What a relief! As a woman, a servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), I am supposed to guard my modesty for the sake of Allah (swt), not to accommodate men. A man is supposed to guard his chastity regardless of the circumstances. If my future husband expects me to be chaste by the time we get married, I have every right to expect him to be chaste as well.

“[…] And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity” (Qur’an, 24:26)

Islam empowers me as a woman, and inspires me to break the cycle. What can I do differently than my hundreds of uncles and aunts who have broken marriages in our communities today? How can I avoid that path for myself?

• I must educate myself about Islam, as a servant of Allah (swt), and as a future wife and mother.

• Instead of marrying someone solely because of his physical appearance, I must first look at his relationship with Allah (swt): Does he understand and practice his religion? Does he know the rights and duties between spouses in Islam? Is he prepared to be a good father?
• The usual things will still be important of course: education, occupation, hobbies, etc. But these things will all come second, as I ask Allah (swt) for guidance in my prayers.

I do not expect him to be perfect, because I myself have a lot to work on. But I pray that Allah (swt) make him a loving and faithful companion for me, and a great father for our sons and daughters. I am ready to break free from negativity. Allah (swt) has power over all things.

My dream is to conduct workshops in order to restore thousands of teenage girls’ broken hearts, and to restore the respect boys must have for women in general. I hope in the near future to teach the youth of my home country about the blessings of modesty and chastity in Islam. I pray that this helps cleanse our community, and serve mankind at large. I humbly ask you to keep me in your prayers, and to join this noble cause wherever you are, in order to make this earth a better place with happier families.

P.S.: For those of you who are interested, I recommend that you look up brother Nouman Ali Khan’s series on “Shame”, which was truly an eye opener for me.

Originally published October 2013.

*Update* Disclaimer: This article does not deal with clinical depression. While some of the steps can be used as prevention, clinical depression is a mental illness that should be addressed by a trained professional. Any general references to ‘depression’ in the article refer to depression in regular parlance, and not as a medical term.

I was recently asked to give a talk entitled, “The Pursuit of Happiness.” I had a lot to say about the topic, and unfortunately was not able to deliver all of it. This topic is really important in general, but especially in this day and age where we find many people suffering from depression/melancholy at some point in their life.

What is Happiness?

Most Americans are familiar with the phrase “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”—rights enshrined in the U.S. Declaration of Independence. But in order to talk about the pursuit of happiness, we need to know what happiness is.

It turns out that happiness is a little hard to define. We all know what it is, and we know when we are happy, but it is difficult to put into words because it is so experiential. It is one of these things that is an end in and of itself; people want things in order to be happy, whether it is wealth, health, or a dream we want to achieve. Wikipedia’s definition states that “Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.” Psychologist Ed Diener, author of Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, describes it as a combination of life satisfaction and having more positive emotions than negative emotions.

Most of us would think that we would be “happy” if we were able to obtain some life achievement, or that our happiness would disappear if we lost our home in a fire (God forbid). But psychologists have found that after some period of adjustment, we actually go back to our previous level of happiness, no matter what happens to us. So happiness is a state that we can cultivate that does not have to be permanently affected by the things that happen to us externally. The more we work on our happiness, the easier it is to come back to it after times of hardship.

We all know people with very little wealth who appear to be happy, and others who are very wealthy but are very unhappy. While some of it can be genetic, tweaking these external variables does not necessarily permanently change the level of happiness. Therefore, there must be something else.

In an article by the Mayo Clinic, they stated that “only 10 percent or so of the variation in people’s reports of happiness can be explained by differences in their circumstances. It appears that the bulk of what determines happiness is due to personality and — more importantly — thoughts and behaviors that can be changed.”

So we all know that happiness is not simply a giddy feeling that we get now and then. It is something more. Happiness can be described as a general state of contentment, or redha.

Sa’ad bin Abi Waqqas, radi Allahu `anhu  (may God be pleased with him), who is one of the ten Companions promised paradise, said to his son: “If you ask for wealth, then ask for contentment to accompany it. If contentment does not accompany it, then no money will satisfy you.”

The Pursuit of Happiness

There are two types “happinesses”: in Jannah (Paradise) and in this world. Jannah is a happiness that we pursue, it is the permanent happiness, where there is no fear or grief. And insha’Allah (God willing), everything that we do should be geared for that: the pleasure of God and Jannah.
But in this world, I do not believe in the pursuit of happiness. That is not because I do not believe in happiness in this world. It is quite the opposite. I just do not believe in pursuing it, because when we say we are pursuing happiness, we are implying that happiness is something that is outside of us and that it is out of reach, which is why we have to pursue it.

Yet Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He), has made happiness in this world easier than we think, because He made it something inside of us that is not necessarily dependent on the external. So we can pursue Jannah while being in a state of contentment in this world, or we can pursue it while being depressed—which one would you rather have? Which one will enable you to be more productive?

Question:

Do you think Allah (swt) wants you to be happy in this world?

The answer to this question matters greatly. If you think that you are meant to suffer, then that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every bad thing that happens becomes a moment of “Of course I knew this would happen, I have such terrible luck,” as opposed to something we learn from and grow as a result of. If we think Allah (swt) wants us to suffer, then we will only find closeness to Him in pain. This does not mean that we cannot find Allah (swt) in moments of pain – and pain does help to return us to Allah – but we should be able to go to Allah both in times of ease and in hardship. So does He want us to be happy in this world?

Happiness in the Life of a Believer

My argument is that Allah (swt) wants us to be happy in this world—especially when happiness is defined as a general state of contentment. Why do I say this? Our example, the Prophet ﷺ, was a balanced man. His general state was one of contentment. He was described as daa’im al-bushra, meaning he was always optimistic and happy. He was serious when times called for it, and that was to encourage reflection and accountability, and prevent frivolity.

Moreover, we are taught that the best thing to do is make others happy. The Prophet ﷺ said that the most beloved deed to Allah (swt) after the obligatory acts of worship is to bring joy to a fellow Muslim. He also said that what necessitates forgiveness from Allah (swt) is bringing joy to your brother (Tabarani). Finally he taught us that the only reward for bringing joy to an entire household is Paradise (Tabarani). When the Prophet ﷺ found out that a child’s pet bird had died, he went to play with him to make him forgot about his sorrow. If we are all busy making others happy, who is left to be sad?

When people accepted Islam, they would be overjoyed because they felt that Allah (swt) chose them. There is a closeness that comes with that. When we study Allah’s Names, we find that many of them are geared towards giving us some sort of comfort, such as as-Salaam (the Source of Peace), al-Jabbar (He who mends what is broken), al-Lateef (the Subtle and Kind), al-Fattah (the Opener) and others. Allah (swt) comforts the Prophet ﷺ when he was under distress. We are told we will find rest in the remembrance of Allah (swt). The Qur’an is filled with words of hope, which I will expand upon later. The Prophet ﷺ taught us that the affair of the believer is amazing because everything is good for him—when he sees good, he thanks God, and when he faces hardship, he is patient. If life was meant to solely be depressing, why would Allah (swt) give us the antidotes to sadness, despair and fear?

How to Be Happy

I started going through studies and articles written on happiness and what makes people happy. I found that the results were a combination of things, and most articles mentioned gratefulness, optimism, purpose, love, and doing good. All of these help us to reach a general state of happiness or contentment.

Interestingly, all of these are virtues taught to us in the Qur’an and by the Prophet ﷺ:

1. Gratefulness: We are told in the Qur’an: “And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (Qu’ran, 18:18)[Unknown A1] . Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, we can realize that all of the blessings that we have can have a profound effect on our well-being. Instead of focusing on what we do not have, or the negative things that happened to us in a day, we should focus on what we have been given.
2. Optimism: Every notice how some people just have good energy? They tend to be optimistic people that can see the good in situations where others only see negatives. Allah (swt) teaches us how to have this outlook, when He tells us “I am at my servant’s opinion of Me,” (Bukhari). If you think well of Allah, that is what you will find. So Allah is telling us that it is up to us. If we want to imagine a grumpy god that wants wickedness for the world, well, it is our own fault that that is what we see. But Allah (swt) encourages us to think well of Him—He is teaching us the Islamic outlook on life. He teaches us to be optimistic even in times of distress, when He says, “So verily, with the hardship, there is relief. Verily, with the hardship, there is relief,” (Qur’an, 94:5-6). Every hardship comes with at least two reliefs, so focus on the good that Allah (swt) gave you to help overcome the bad. Moreover, we are also reminded “But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not,” (Qur’an, 2:216). Being optimistic means not seeing simply the hardship, but what could be behind the hardship in terms of lessons, and seeing that it could be a good thing.
3. Purpose: What is Islam about if not about defining our purpose? A recent UCLA study showed that the happiness that comes from having a deep sense of meaning and purpose in life can contribute to favorable gene-expression profiles. When you know what you are pursuing, it makes everything worth it. So think: who do you want to be? We all know we were sent worship God, but we also know that besides the basics that we are all required to do (such as prayers, fasting, alms-giving etc), we each are unique in the way that we seek closeness to Him. It could be through starting up an ethical business, dedicating our lives to be an amazing teacher, striving to be a wonderful parent, devoting our time to issues of social justice—anything.

• The best thing is, when you intend something, you will have it if you sincerely work for it even if you never get there. The Prophet ﷺ tells us about two people, one whom God has bestowed with wealth and knowledge, so he is able to spend that wealth in beneficial ways; and another who only has knowledge, but wishes that he had wealth in order to be able to do more. The Prophet ﷺ said that these people are rewarded exactly the same because we are rewarded in accordance to our intention. Allah (swt) is teaching us to dream big and to work hard, but to have a heart that is at rest because we know the result is with Him.

4. Love: We all have people that love us. And it is important to foster good relationships with our family and friends. We are reminded again and again to have a good relationship with our neighbors, our close friends and our family. It is not only a duty, but also something that enriches our life. And even if we think we do not have anyone that loves us, then we should remember that Allah (swt) loves us. And we should not for a moment let shaytan (the Devil) tell us that this is not true. Why would Allah (swt) allow you to read these words of encouragement if He did not want what is best for you? And why would He want what is best for you if He does not love you?

Sadness is Normal Sometimes

This all might seem too easy. What about when things make us sad? Didn’t Allah (swt) say that He would test those He loves the most? So how can reconcile these things?

First, it is natural to have our down moments. The Prophet ﷺ  was sad when he lost his son Ibrahim. He suffered many hardships as well. When Aisha (ra) asked him whether the Battle of Uhud was the most difficult thing he went through, he said that it was the abuse he was subjected to at Ta’if that was the worst. But notice that he would point out incidents or events that were hard, as opposed to saying, “My entire life is hard” or “This was something I never got over.”

Second, there is a difference between being tested externally and being defeated internally. Yes, Allah (swt) tests those He loves. But He only tests us with what we can bear. This means that the stronger we are internally, the more hardship we are able to bear. Allah (swt) does not aim to destroy you but to build you. If you are at peace, while you will be shaken by hardships, you will not be broken, like the prophets and the righteous. Your worldview will enable you to see the hardship for what it is: temporary.

So when things go wrong, let yourself be sad as opposed to bottling things up. The Prophet ﷺ wept for his son. Things bothered him sometimes. But that was not his general state. He did not dwell on his hardships. Rather, his healthy internal state allowed him return to his default, which was a state of gratefulness and optimism.

If you ever feel down or distressed, remember this du`a’ (supplication):

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ الْهَمِّ وَالْحُزْنِ وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ وَالْبُخْلِ وَالْجُبْنِ وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ

Allahumma inni a’udhu bika minal-hammi wal-Ḥuzni wal-‘ajazi wal-kasli wal-bukhli wal-jubni wa ḍala’Īd-dayni wa ghalabatir-rijal.

O Allāh, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.

[Bukhari]

Practical Tips

When we talk about happiness, it is easy to talk about the intangibles, but what are concrete ways to get there? I have compiled a list that I hope will help, Insha’Allah:

1. Realize that happiness is truly from within. Let go of holding onto to stress and fear, and realize that Allah (swt) gave you the power to affect your internal state. Allah says He is what we think of Him, so we need to live in accordance with that opinion and internalize that good opinion of Him.

2. Build hope and faith in Allah, and develop your relationship with Him: this is your asset and will get you through things. Study His Names, focus on connecting to Him through your prayers, reflect over the Qur’an and have secret good deeds that no one knows about but Him.

3. Develop yourself: No two days in the day of a Muslim should be the same. Learn new things. Read. Cultivate the “sound heart”. Work on your interpersonal skills. The Prophet ﷺ said that wisdom is the lost property of the believer, so we should be seeking wisdom in all its forms.

4. Smile: It’s a sunnah (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ) as we know, and psychological studies have shown that smiling can increase your happiness levels and lift your spirits. Fun study: Wayne State University scientists in Detroit concluded that those athletes who smiled more in their pictures lived on average seven years longer than those who did not.

5. Do good: There are countless ahadeeth (sayings of the Prophet) that encourage us to do good for others, without expecting anything for ourselves. The Prophet ﷺ  gave his time in addition to his wealth to people who needed it. Allah (swt) says in the Qu’ran, “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection” (Qu’ran, 19:96). Meaning Allah (swt) will show His love for you! Moreover, one of Allah’s Names is ash-Shakoor; He appreciates and gives back even more than you put in when you do good!

A paper by Dr. Suzanne Richards and colleagues at the University of Exeter Medical School, Exeter, UK, found that, “volunteering is associated with lower depression, increased well-being, and a 22 percent reduction in the risk of dying.” Karen Reivich, Ph.D., a research associate in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania found that happiness is “also feeling a connection to something larger than yourself. When people are in service to something bigger, they describe their lives as filled with meaning. It’s not the smiley face, but when it’s all over, you realize you’d do it again.”

6. Express gratitude: It is one thing to be grateful, and another thing to express it. Allah (swt) tells us “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor],” (Qur’an, 14:7). You will be given more—materially—but also spiritually. There will be barakah, which means increase. For example, you have an hour to do things but find that you can do so much. You have little money but it is always enough for you. And gratitude is not just in expressing it to God. Remember that the Prophet ﷺ said, “whoever has not thanked people has not thanked God” (Abu Dawud). It applies with both the big things (showing your parents how much appreciate them) and with the small (simply saying thank you when the barista gives you your coffee). This short clip shows an experiment conducted on the link between expressing gratitude and people’s happiness, and is well worth the watch:

7. Sleep well: Remember that your body has a right over you. When a man came to the Prophet ﷺ saying that he prayed all night long, the Prophet ﷺ  reminded him that his body and his family had rights over him. In the Qur’an, we are taught that Allah (swt) “…made your sleep [a means for] rest, And made the night as clothing, And made the day for livelihood” (78:9-11)

This really does not need a study, but studies have shown that bad sleep is detrimental to your mood, and of course, makes it hard to wake up in the morning. A University of Michigan study showed that just getting an extra hour of sleep at night has more of an effect on daily happiness than making $60,000 more in annual income!

8. Develop a relationship with your family: I put this as a separate point to the above because I feel that it requires extra focus. The Prophet ﷺ tells us, “The best of you are those who are best to their families,” (Tirmidhi). What we go home to also influences us. Many of us live with our parents, and we have heard countless talks about the obedience to parents. But our relationship with our parents is so much more than obedience, and characterizing the relationship in that way makes it rigid and dry. In the Qur’an we are told to “accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]” (31:15). The word is used is saahibhuma, which is from the root that gives us the word saahib: companion. Some of us may have difficult relationships with our parents, and so this part is extra hard if we feel disconnected from them. But remember, we are rewarded for our efforts. Find something in common between you. Maybe your mother enjoys reading and your father loves a certain sport. You can try to find those little things that will transform your relationship.

9. Eat well: Allah (swt) says: “O children of Adam, take your adornment at every masjid, and eat and drink, but be not excessive. Indeed, He likes not those who commit excess” (Qur’an, 7:31). While studies are not conclusive, there are links between what we eat and how it affects our mood in the long-term. It is most likely linked to overall health, but see this article and this one for “happy” foods.

10. Be fit: The Prophet ﷺ was fit and barely had a belly into his 60s. The sahaba, the Companions (ra) played sports. Allah (swt) created us in a certain way: you use your body well, and it will help you when you are old. A Duke University study suggested that moderate aerobic exercise has a longer and more lasting effect on mood than medication alone for people with depression. A Canadian study found that being physically active was associated with 85 percent higher odds of being happy and people who changed from being inactive to active were more likely to report feeling happy two and four years later.

11. Have discipline: Jaber bin Abdullah (ra), one of the companions, was carrying a piece of meat. “Umar saw him and said, ‘What is this Jaber?’ To which Jaber replied ‘I desired some meat so I bought it.’ Umar looked at him and said ‘And do you buy whatever you desire?’”

This last one might seem counter-intuitive. Getting whatever we desire should make us happy, right? Not according to a research study published in the Journal of Personality, which found that exerting self-control can make you happier both in the long-term and in the moment. Disciplined people are able to avoid situations of temptation, and therefore avoid situations in which their goals or morals would conflict. It is not simply about being in a situation and preventing yourself from acting on your lust, but it is, as Islam teaches, avoiding situations where there is a higher risk of desires taking control over you. The research concluded that these people are good managers, and experienced fewer negative emotions as a result. Moreover, being disciplined with our goals or even a little to-do list helps instill a sense of achievement, which in turn makes us more productive and happy.

May we all be believers with hearts filled with contentment!

When I was seven years old, I used to attend a halaqa (religious lesson). We would learn what I would call today the Islam of “no’s”. One summer day upon entering class, my teacher and I got into this dialogue.

“What is this?” My teacher glared at the shiny bracelet around my tanned wrist.

“It’s a bracelet; my grandmother got it for me.” I said nonchalantly.

“Didn’t I tell you jewelry is haram [forbidden]?”

“But it’s silver. Boys can wear silver. My grandma got it for my birthday.”

“Didn’t I tell you it is haram to celebrate birthdays?” His expression was more serious.

“But all we did was go to McDonald’s and eat chicken nuggets.”

“Didn’t I tell you McDonald’s is haram?!”

Seriously, that’s what happened. Growing up, many Muslims constantly heard the word “no”. “No, you can’t do that”, “no you can’t eat that”, “no you can’t see that/listen to that/touch that”. I heard a joke once that some masjids (mosques) should be called “No Happiness Allowed” Centers. Surely, boundaries are necessary in life, but what happens when we focus entirely on them?

When we are constantly reminded with what we are forbidden to do, we develop a relationship with God that is based on fear and anxiety. Psychologically, a self-destructive trend develops: a trend of fear of punishment, worry about going to hell and a constant feeling of guilt which overcomes the joy of God’s presence and blessings in our lives. Some of our brothers and sisters have developed severe obsessive-compulsive disorder because of this trend. The term is called scrupulosity and it is a dangerous and sad state of being. I once consulted a brother who would take one hour to make wudu’ (ablution) and two to three hours to pray. He would repeat rituals over and over again until he got them perfect. He did this out of fear that his prayer would not be accepted due to his wrong impression of God as powerful and judgmental. I have personally worked with clients who had psychotic breakdowns as a result of this mentality. May the Divine help us.

One of the ways I help such people is by asking clients to re-frame their perception of Islam as a “Yes Religion”. Everything is, by default, halal (permissible) except for what has been made haram. Islam is not merely a religion of regulations and deprivations. We have to look at the “yes” side, the plus side, the blessings and gifts God has actually given us. Living Islam is a path that gives much more than it takes.

Reflect on this:

• We get 24 hours a day, and we are expected to spend about 25 to 30 minutes of the day connecting with our Creator through prayer. That is 1.7% of the day in prayer. The rest is our time. We have twelve months a year. Only one month a year, God asks us to practice self-discipline through fasting and focusing on His worship. Through this fast, we still get to eat and drink by sunset and gain physical and psycho-spiritual benefits. That is 92% percent of the year left to us to eat whenever we wish.
• Yes, God asks us to give about 2.5% of our wealth to those in need, those less privileged than us. But, you still get to keep about 97.5% of your wealth and assets.
• If we are financially and physically able, God calls on us to make pilgrimage to Mecca only one time in our whole life, in return for His forgiveness! Not once a year, not once a decade, but once in our entire life. If you live to be 80 years old, performing one hajj requires only about 0.017% of your time. We can eat and drink everything except the few things which are harmful to us: pork, alcohol, and carnivores like lions, tigers and bears, which are not a common food source for human beings anyway. Other than that, you may enjoy all kinds of food and drink.

There are many more examples that show that Islam is a “Yes Religion”. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said ”yes” to nearly all requests that came his way, as well as:

• Forgiving people and being patient in the face of wrongdoings.
• Flexibility and tolerance to other people’s culture and customs
• Letting everyone accept da`wa (the call to Islam) in their own time, without passing judgments
• Helping and supporting others
• Being optimistic, friendly, and meeting people with a smile

It has even been said that if it were not for the “no” in the shahada (there is no god other than God), the Prophet ﷺ might have never used the word.

I encourage you to reframe your perspective and make your own list of how Islam gives more than it takes. Focus on what Islam offers more than what it forbids. Let’s get back to this “yes” mentality. Let’s acknowledge the gifts and the blessings, and appreciate all that God has granted us. Let’s turn towards God with love. Let’s pray because we want to. Let’s find joy in existence and look forward to meeting our Lord.

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Karim Serageldin is a dedicated psychologist with years of experience working with the Muslim community. His practice is called Noor Psychology and he facilitates workshops, counseling and life coaching, with an integrated approach of Islamic spiritual values, contemporary psychology and scientific research.

The Hijab Diaries: Part I | Part II | Part III

A few summers ago, we were on our family trip to Greece and our first stop, after the hotel, was the National Archaeological Museum in Athens. We spent a few hours and decided to leave around three o’clock. Walking down the long flight of steps that led away from the museum, my father turned around with his camera to capture the moment.

“Alright, that’s enough pictures of me. I’m going to find somewhere to sit,” I said as I left my dad snapping away. I followed my mom and my sister into the shady area at the side of the museum to take cover. As my dad made his way over, a woman approached him, almost out of nowhere.

“Would you like me to take a family picture?” she asked reaching for the camera. My dad agreed and handed it to her. Click. I thought now we would be able to go back to the hotel and nap before we headed out to dinner at the Placa.

“So where are you guys from?” she inquired. Clearly, I had thought wrong. She began to chat with my parents, telling us about her life in Greece. She listed the best places to visit in Athens and gave us insight into what it was like to live there. After that, she questioned my sister about the henna designs on her hands and then, she turned to me.

“It’s great that you wear that,” pointing to my hijab, “and that you want to be different from your mom and sister, but you don’t have to wear it. You can take it off.”

“I just started wearing it and I chose to put it on. I don’t think I’ll be taking it off anytime soon,” I responded.

“Oh, hmm, why did you decide to do that?”

“I started learning more about Islam and I believe it’s the best thing for me.”

“Why?”

“Well, the purpose is to be modest. Keeping my beauty and body to myself obligates people to value me for my personality and not my appearance.”

She shook her head, seeming to ignore my response altogether, and went on talking about various topics (restaurants, Greek life, attractions, etc.) and as soon as I thought I was in the clear, she would come back to me again. By the end of our encounter, I had counted five times that she commented on my hijab in the same exact way. Obviously, it was a subject that bothered her, but also a subject she knew absolutely nothing about. She continued on with her thoughts about Islam: “The religion seems oppressive to me. I remember seeing an ad of a Muslim couple on the beach, and the woman was covered from head to toe in black and she was walking way behind her husband.” I thought about what a funny stereotype that was. I realized that even me just walking behind my father in Athens fed more into these misconceptions about Islam that people seem to have all around the world. When I think about it, most of the time I do subconsciously walk behind my dad, but that is simply because he knows the directions to our destination.

She looked at my dad and while wagging her finger at him, she condescendingly asked, “You treat them well, right? You don’t misbehave, do you?” Would she have asked us these questions if we were not Muslim?

My mom stepped in at this point. “Islam gives women all of their freedoms. What you are referring to are cultural practices. We are Americans with every imaginable freedom. Women choose to wear the hijab,” she explained.

“So, how long are you guys staying in Greece?” the woman randomly queried. Clearly, she was not listening and we were not going to change her views on Islam today. There was no point to go on; she was not open to listening to what we had to say.

We tried to wrap up the conversation at this point, but this woman was a natural-born talker. One subject she spoke about I found particularly interesting. “Many Bangladeshi families live around here. I’ve become friends with many of them,” she stated. She explained that some of them were illegal residents and she helped them whenever they got into legal trouble, since she had friends in the court system. From her elaboration on her relationship with these families, I realized that she felt she was liberating those Bangladeshi women by helping them adjust to Grecian culture in the same way she thought she was liberating me when she was trying to convince me that I did not need to wear hijab. She was attempting to be an advocate and a voice for something that she did not quite understand herself.

Because I wear hijab, such a visible part of my presence, Islam and hijab are topics that are often brought up in conversation with Muslims, as well as non-Muslims. It prompts people who do not know much about either one to ask questions and educate themselves. Even though we may not have changed the woman’s views that day, I hope our talk made her question her position and enticed her to learn more. Who knows…maybe this was the first step in Allah’s plan to guide her to Islam one day.