Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Co-ed Love for the Sake of Allah? Part 1 | Part 2

Photo: Pictoscribe

I was standing next to the grave, supplicating quietly to Allah for the man we just buried. He was a family relative, loved by many alhamdulilLah (praise be to God). As I stood there, a few other women came and also started to supplicate. They spoke aloud in a low voice, “We never heard anything but good from you or about you, so we ask Allah to accept all your good deeds and forgive your sins, and accept you into Paradise…” I was touched by something in this moment. I didn’t know them personally, we didn’t exchange words but I was taught by their example. They displayed the most beautiful adab (manners) of brotherhood and sisterhood for their deceased Muslim brother, who was not directly related to them. Subhan’Allah (glory be to God), when the heart is pure, the “rules” emanate naturally without effort. Everything in their manner, speech, and conduct was modest, respectful and filled with noble love.

The code of inter-gender relations comes from this noble kind of love. It is generous in giving, while conscious of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He). It is full of haya.’ Haya’ is sometimes described as ‘shyness’, but misunderstood to mean a desire to hide, to be nervous, overly self-conscious, and unable to communicate. This is not the meaning of haya’ and it’s a real shame that men and women are sometimes taught social anxiety in the name of haya’. Haya’ comes from consciousness of Allah (swt)—that a servant of Allah would feel too “shy” to commit an open and indecent sin in the presence of the Most High, that they feel humbled in the presence of the Creator, so they honor His creation. The believer is not a show-off for any of their blessings. Rather they are grateful, and hope to use their many gifts in the service of their Lord. One of the most graceful ways to serve Allah (swt) is by serving and honoring His creation, in the manner that He approves. This is our code as brothers and sisters.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.” (Qu’ran, 9:71)

The 10 Principles

1. Be sincere in your interactions.

The Prophet ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us, “Truly, actions are according to their intentions.” ((Bukhari)) All interaction with God’s creation is a reflection of our interaction with the Creator. When a person truly relies on God and seeks Him first and foremost, they let go of the need for approval from others and seek it only from Him (swt). As a result, the way they work with others has to do with God’s approval, not that of others. When we deal with the opposite sex, it’s important to make sure we are not *needy for some form of approval from them, and especially the kind that should only be sought from a spouse (ie: sexual attention, seeking their admiration). However, God loves for us to love and respect our brothers and sisters. If we’re seeking God’s approval in our interactions then we open our hearts in a noble way towards one another with the best of manners. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and the general energy brought into interactions should be respectful and professional. One who is sincere in seeking only Allah’s approval and not wanting something from the people will find it very natural to follow the rest of the guidelines.

What this looks like in person: Imagine you’re speaking to a boss, a professor or perhaps an older individual in the mosque. In most situations, even if you were buddies with that person, you’d still have a level of respect in your interactions with them that would be different from your friend at school. Do the same thing when you interact with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you need to be cold. You need not be overtly rude or intimidating. If you are typically a really humorous and laid back person, you don’t need to radically change your personality so that the person/people you’re with don’t laugh. Just be yourself in a professional and courteous way.

What this looks like online/social media: Be mindful of your online conversations and avoid saying what you would feel uncomfortable having your parent or someone you respect overhear. Question your intentions before commenting or messaging. Only you and God know if what you’re doing is for the right reasons. This is one of the most powerful and dynamic limits of Allah (swt) because it actually builds your confidence. The habit of checking and renewing the intention develops a foundation of sincerity between you and Allah, and of good-will between you and His creation.

2. Make your interaction purposeful and professional.

There’s an Islamic legal maxim that states, “The origins of things is permissibility.” In other words, unless there is something that is expressly prohibited when it comes to interactions and worldly issues, it is allowed. However, when it came to the issue of gender relations specifically, some scholars used a different maxim: “The origin of inter-gender interactions is impermissibility, unless expressly permitted.” In other words, inter-gender interaction, unless there was an absolute necessity, major benefit attained, major harm prevented, or something not considered harmful in a particular cultural context, would generally be avoided.

These scholars also cited the principle of sadd al-tharee’ah—that whatever leads to a prohibited act in and of itself becomes prohibited. In this regard, cultural context becomes increasingly important. This is because in some cultures, specific actions may be misunderstood as an invitation to something prohibited, while in others, it is simply a respectful interaction.

As an example, a polite joke about the weather with the cashier at a grocery store is seen as neighborly small talk in the United States but can be understood as flirting in a different cultural context. For this other culture, scholars may consider the polite joke prohibited because it would lead to un-lowered and lustful gazes and conversation that points to something more. But to apply the latter understanding to our context in the west would be a great disservice. Here, the action and words do not imply sexual interest in the least, but rather is received as acceptable, polite conversation. And even in the same context, to overdo it leads to a misapplication of the law and the creation of a sub-culture that is foreign to the spirit of Islam. Shaykh Al-Rasuni mentions that the overextension of the legal principle sadd al-tharee’ah can create extremism and turn perfectly halal situations into haram ones. ((al-Raysuni, Ahmad)) So it should be applied with care, lest we turn Islam into something it is not.

If you look at both approaches—“The origin of interactions is allowed except what is prohibited,” and “the origin of interactions is prohibited except what is allowed”—they both lead to the same conclusion: Interactions should be purposeful, there should be a reason that is not suspect according to a particular culture, there are limits and it is not a complete free-for-all.

What this looks like in person: The on-campus Muslim Students Association (MSA) holds a meeting to discuss an upcoming event. There is purpose in their reason for coming together. They do not have to robotically and mechanically only ask “yes” or “no” questions, sticking to a script to ensure every word has a specific purpose. There can be polite small talk in asking about each other’s schoolwork and checking in on each other’s families. Now again, things go back to intention (point 1). On the outside things can be purposeful, but if on the inside things are not, it leads to Allah’s displeasure. A brother can tutor a study group of brothers and sisters for a class they are taking in college together in a noble way. He can also do so to enjoy the attention and admiration of the sisters and use that space for his own desires. On the outside no one may notice the difference, but on the inside Allah (swt) always does. A blessed interaction is both purposeful on the outside and pure on the inside.

What this looks like online/social media: Keep it purposeful and professional. No need to play online games with someone of the opposite sex. No need to start private conversations or comment in an over-relaxed, joking manner on posts or pictures.From emails, the messaging on social media, SnapChat, etc.—don’t do anything that you would be ashamed to do in front of someone you love and respect, like the Prophet ﷺ. Know that Allah (swt) sees you above all, and wants your honor and integrity to be protected.

3. Cover your ‘awra (nakedness).

In short, the ‘awra of men is from their naval to their knees. However, it is highly encouraged for men to cover beyond this. In other words, it’s not modest to show up without a shirt or a super tight one and skinny jeans, exposing a brother’s form. For women, even in the most lenient opinions, the minimum that should be covered is everything but the face, hands, and feet, in loose, non-form fitting, opaque clothing. Traditionally some scholars allowed kuhl and powder as allowable make-up, and some allowed the plucking of eyebrows in our times. There are opinions that are much more encompassing, but deliberately being shared here is the base minimum for anyone interested in following a valid scholarly opinion within our tradition.

An important point of clarification is needed here. When we think of a woman’s public dress in Islam, the Prophetic understanding was that it was a level more modest than that of men. There is an incident where the Prophet ﷺ gives a companion a thawb (dress) and later sees that companion and asks him why he does not wear it. The companion says he let his wife wear it. To this the Prophet encourages him to tell his wife to wear something under it because he fears that her form would show if she wears it without a layer under it (the way a man would). In other words, the ‘awra of a woman requires an additional standard of looseness. ((Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Fiqh, `awra’))

Now, what does that mean for men and women struggling to maintain these general dress guidelines? Does that mean they should not be permitted into Muslim spaces when the opposite sex will be present, nor organize campus or community events? Absolutely not! All should be welcome; all of us struggle with different aspects of our worship and this is simply one that’s more obvious because it’s outer. Principle number 4 means each of us are responsible for what we see. At the same time, even if one does not normally cover the full ‘awra, when it comes to sacred spaces such as the Masajid as the Houses of Allah, we should make an extra effort to wear our most God-pleasing clothing there, as a way of showing extra deference to our Creator. This is not an act of hypocrisy; it’s an act of respect. This is simply an explanation of guidelines while recognizing each person has their own journey, struggle, and varying abilities to perform. The scholars also differentiated between `awra ghaleetha and `awra khafeefa: that some body parts or more `awra’ than others. A person may try to grow gradually in their dress hoping to ease the path toward following all its guidelines.

A couple of critical points to take into consideration:

A. Hijab for women is not about Men.

When Muslim women are asked why do they wear hijab, the simple answer is, “Because God asked me to” not “Because men asked me to.” Hijab is about Allah (swt) and submitting to His will and trusting His way. It’s an incredibly spiritual act especially today because you must strive to remove the desire for human approval completely in order to practice it well. Allah (swt) says, “that is purer for you.” Hijab is a purification. For some, hijab may help purify the tendency towards vanity. For others, it is simply a constant physical reminder that our goal in life is to please our Creator. The experience of hijab for many is described as “liberating” and “a divine gift” as it encourages us to recognize our own spiritual and intellectual center, and compels us to honor, even celebrate this most sacred part of ourselves as we deal with the world.

B. Hijab is not meant to erase physical beauty, but honor it.

What happens if a woman covers herself appropriately, and people still feel tempted by her or are attracted to her? Beauty is not a woman’s ‘fault’, and she is not asked to hide because others can’t control their feelings. Rather, they must lower their gaze and purify their thoughts.

Ibn Abbas said: “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “And We have already known the preceding [generations] among you, and We have already known the later [ones to come],” (Qu’ran, 15:24). ((This hadith is found in ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged SAHIH by Albani. He includes it as #3472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih))

In this incident, Allah (swt) does not reveal that a barrier be put up to block off the view of the women’s side. He does not ask the woman to not come to the masjid. She is not told to wear niqab. She is not asked to pray in the last lines. Allah is addressing the men and these are verses revealed after the command of hijab was in place. Allah is telling them that He knows what is in their hearts. Hijab is not to remove all beauty from a woman. Rather, it is to let her define her sense of beauty by donning the dress and character that pleases God.

4. Lower your gaze.

God commands the believing men and women to lower from their gazes in the Qur’an. ((Qur’an 24:30-31)) The imperative word here is “from.” Scholars have commented that looking at each other in and of itself is not prohibited, for if it was the word “from” would have been omitted in the command. However, the command indicates there are some gazes that are not allowed, and this based on Prophetic guidance includes the lustful gaze as well as looking at what is considered ‘awra. Yet, it is common practice for men and women in Muslim activist settings to avoid looking at one another directly in the eyes or in the face, and they are dressed modestly. Some scholars have mentioned that this is praiseworthy as a form of respect. However, in the greater western context, not making eye contact is usually considered awkward and can be seen as distrustful and in an instance like this, we can take our general cultural custom to inform the way we interact within the aforementioned Islamic boundaries.

What this looks like in person: Therefore, in general, the best way to fulfill this requirement is to simply avert your gaze specifically if you find yourself attracted to someone, not to check anyone out, and to avoid looking at certain areas of the body you should not be looking at anyway—most especially if they are uncovered. Otherwise, it’s permissible to simply look a person in the eyes politely when having a conversation. This applies both inside of and outside of Muslim spaces.

What this looks like online/social media: When you put up a picture on social media, be cognizant of what other people are seeing. And if you wouldn’t make a crazy duck face or show certain body parts to a person of the opposite sex in person or look at those things in person, do not post that type of picture or send that picture over SnapChat or stare at those pics if they’re sent to you (which, btw, why are they being sent to you?). Do not deliberately spend time staring at a picture of someone of the opposite sex without purpose. When commenting on a picture—even if it’s of the same gender—avoid statements such as, “Hey sexy!” or “Hot!” especially when you know that person has friends of the opposite sex who will also see those pictures and those comments in their newsfeed.

5. Keep it public.

The Prophetﷺ taught us “…Satan is the third person in an isolated area (khalwah) where there is only a man with a (non-mahram) woman…” (Ibn Al-Atheer – Sahih).

This narration indicates that being alone with one person of the opposite gender who is not a direct relative (mahram) is prohibited in Islam. Being alone constitutes any space which is locked and opaque, or open but totally isolated.

What this looks like in person: In person: Meet in public spaces. Whether it’s in the library or an off-campus café, make sure your professional organizing happens in a public space and at an appropriate time. Even in a public space, a suggestion is to bring a respectful third person or a group of people to make sure you and the other person are not the only ones together, as a way of maintaining a professional environment. This also changes a bit as you grow in different life stages.

If you’re in high school and working on a project, you should definitely bring other people along if you meet outside of school in a café or somewhere informal. If you’re in your fifties and you’re meeting to discuss masjid board policy away from the masjid, meeting in a public space should be sufficient without needing “chaperones.” Imams, for example, have office hours at the masjid, and leave the door open or open their blinds so others can see in, if the door is closed to protect confidentiality. For non-Imams and work spaces, if what you need to meet about is private, like needing crucial advice, simply meeting in a public space should be sufficient as long as you’re both aware of being respectful and keeping things professional. If you can bring a third person who can sit somewhere nearby who is not able to hear the conversation, consider this option. This is not to suggest you and the other person meeting together, in a public space, are going automatically to do something lewd if you don’t. It’s simply to protect your hearts, words and yes, long-term actions, from going down the path of regret—and instead allow both persons to engage each other in a way that inspires true respect and noble love for Allah (swt).

What this looks like online/social media: When applicable, have a third person involved. For example, if you are a female organizing an event and you are emailing a male, yet you know that another male or female is also involved in that specific aspect you’re emailing about, then simply include them in the conversation. Some people when they have to work closely with someone of the opposite gender, simply let them know that they have given their email password to their spouse or trusted sibling, in order to allow everyone to feel like the door to the room is open rather than locked. Others choose to make phone calls when they’re around people and the person they are calling is aware of that fact. The point isn’t to constantly have yourself monitored, it’s really to just build a repertoire between one another in your interactions. By not feeling fully alone together, the relationship remains fraternal and professional.

6. Protect your reputation.

At the outset, it must be stated that the concept of a reputation is misused at times. Sometimes, parents do not allow their daughters specifically to do certain things that they consider immodest or immoral within a specific cultural context due to a fear of what others may say about them. This sometimes causes young women to feel angry and frustrated and often blame Islam for being restrictive when in reality, it’s a specific concept their family has about what is and isn’t appropriate. Misusing the concept of protecting one’s honor has negative and unnecessary ramifications. And yes, people should make 70 excuses for what they see or hear about others. However, at the same time, there is a place in Islam for protecting our reputation and not putting ourselves in situations where another believer may feel concerned about us.

What this looks like in person: This is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ did when walking with his wife Safiya radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her). Someone saw them and the Prophet ﷺ said, “This is Safiya!” They were surprised and said, “Prophet of God! We would never think you had a girlfriend or something like that!” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Yes, but Satan travels through people like blood through the body.” ((Bukhari)) The Prophet’s ﷺtechnical circumstances were halal but he wanted to make sure it was clear and not misunderstood.

What this looks like online/social media: The unfortunate reality of a sister or brother having an inappropriate or unnecessary online relationship has repercussions. For example, with an MSA brother, a sister may become a counselor-like friend and sometimes falls for the brother. The brother sometimes though, turns to her not because he wants to marry her, but because he perhaps enjoys that relationship with a female without having to commit to her and at times, may lead her on. On the flip side in another example, a sister may enjoy informal, intimate conversations and a certain brother’s attention; she may not be interested in marrying him, but enjoys the relationship and may sometimes lead him on. In both scenarios, the sister and brother may get a reputation for being easily used, desperate or whipped. Brothers and sisters: this is about respecting yourself enough that you do not allow yourself to be put in suspect situations that can harm your well-being and reputation in your specific context.

7. No touching.

The Messenger ﷺ stated, “It is better for an iron rod to be driven into the head of a man, than for him to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (Mu’jam al Kabir) Though the word ‘touch’ here is understood by some scholars to be a euphemism for fornication, generally the principle is applied for all unnecessary (non-medical, etc.) touching, as derived from the Prophetic biography.

God tells us, “And do not come near unlawful sexual intercourse.” Not touching is a preventative measure as to what can come that’s greater. The Prophet ﷺnever shook hands when he took the Pledge of Aqaba from the female companions, though he did with the men. This shows at the very least that touching, even by shaking hands with the opposite gender, is not generally encouraged. There should be no casual high fives, no hugs, no physical interaction between sexes who are not closely blood related or married. Not even if you’re “promised” to one another and going to be married soon. Unless you have your written marriage contract (known as the “katb al-kitab” or “`aqd” or “nikah” in different cultures and sometimes considered an engagement after the contract is signed), no physical touching should happen.

But what about shaking hands in our specific context,, as a known form of greeting and professionalism?

Consider Shaykh Yusuf Qaradwi‘s and Shaykh Abdullah bin Bayyah‘s discussions on the issue. His allowance, with caveats, must be read and understood, as it provides an alternative to the typical discussion on prohibition. If you choose not to shake hands, make sure you politely decline with class and creativity. Ensure it’s done in ways that would help hearts feel closer to you rather than turn away in aversion.

8. Be respectful of people’s personal space and levels of comfort.

We deal with different Muslims from different backgrounds. We do not want to impose our gender interaction cultural norms on them. We should try to engage them with what is comfortable for them, without giving up our own rights. This is just basic consideration for how others feel, male and female. Once the Prophet ﷺ even changed the way he was sitting out of his consideration for the modesty of Uthman (ra):

Aisha reports: The Prophet ﷺwas lying down in his house with his thighs or his calves exposed. Abu Bakr asked permission to enter and was permitted while the Prophet ﷺ was in that position and he came in and spoke with him ﷺ. Then, Umar asked permission to enter. He was granted permission and came in and spoke with him ﷺ while in that position. Then, Uthman asked permission and the Prophet ﷺ sat up and straightened his clothing. He was then permitted and came in and spoke with the Prophet ﷺ. After he had gone, Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not get up for him or worry about him and Umar came in and you did not get up for him nor worry about him but when Uthman came in, you straightened out your clothing! The Prophet ﷺ said: “Should I not be shy of a man around whom the angels are shy?” (Muslim)

This is a true act of love for Allah (swt), and such consideration for the comfort levels of the other should be practiced across genders as well.

What this looks like in person: Some people from other countries or ways of thinking do not talk to unrelated members of the opposite sex for any reason (unless an absolute emergency) and are even uncomfortable giving salam (greetings of peace). In our western context, scholars have encouraged men and women to spread the salam to build a sense of support and community especially as a religious minority. Generally speaking, it is praiseworthy to initiate the salam and an obligation to respond to it, ((Qur’an 4:86)) regardless of gender, unless you have good reason to believe it would be understood as flirtatious to do so. If you know someone is uncomfortable, do not put them in an awkward situation—even with something as simple as the salam. At the same time, a man from such an environment may feel uncomfortable with women in the same prayer space and want them to leave. For this, women should ***not*** be expected to leave because of someone else’s discomfort; women should take their Islamic right to worship in the House of God. In this example, it is the other person who needs to practice consideration of her rights.

Another example is to not stand too close to each other when you are talking. If you can smell their breath, shampoo, or deodorant then you are standing too close. If someone takes a step back everytime you take a step forward, then realize they prefer a bigger gap between themselves and you and stop inching forward.

What this looks likes online/social media: If you friend request someone of the opposite gender on Facebook and they don’t confirm, respect their privacy. If someone always CCs a third party when they email you, try to reply all and respect that. When we treat each other with nobility, it fosters trust.

9. Speak in a decent manner.

Perhaps there is no single behavior that more clearly defines our manners than speech. Allah (swt) has many commands about speech in the Qur’an. Its content should be good and decent (2:235). Its tone should be straight-forward (33:70). It should not be made soft on purpose (33:32). It should not be loud and arrogant (31:19). There should be no vain or excessive speech (23:3).

This is interesting as 90% of communication is non-verbal, and most perception comes from our tone of voice. And nothing affects tone of voice like intention. When the intention is good, speech is naturally unaffected and straight-forward, good in both content and delivery. The best way to examine our own hearts sometimes is to use our speech as a window to ourselves so we can ask, “What is going on inside?”

What this look likes in person: Speech is normal. This may appear humorous but as a dear sister once asked, “Why didn’t anyone just tell us to be normal?” In her situation, she was working and wanted to make da`wah (call to Islam) to her co-workers by showing how friendly and extra helpful a Muslim can be. Slightly sheltered in her upbringing, she went out of her way just to be very excited and supportive all the time and it was unfortunately understood as something else. Her version of ‘nice’ was over the top. She realized later that co-workers of the opposite gender, according to the advice of the Human Resources department, simply were to engage each other in a straight-forward, ‘normal’ way which is what Islam encourages anyway. Her speech was simply a mistake; but others actually make the mistake in their intention too. Don’t deliberately try to use an attractive sounding voice, don’t deliberately laugh and giggle for the purpose of drawing flirtatious attention, don’t extend conversations endlessly just to stay in the presence of another person. In other words, just be normal!

What this looks like online/social media: Don’t flirt, don’t be excessive in praise, or dismissive and disrespectful in joking. Use language that you wouldn’t feel shy of the Prophet ﷺ witnessing, knowing Allah (swt) always does.

10. Ensure your circumstances are safe.

One of the conditions for allowing women’s travel alone is safety and ensuring the place of stay. In general, for both men and women, Personal Safety (life, health) in itself is considered one of the greater objectives of Islamic Law. Keep in mind, two people don’t need to be in complete isolation for it to be unsafe.

What this look likes in person: If you’re a sister, going to a brother’s apartment, or a brother going to a sister’s apartment to study for example, even if it is shared with others—that is unsafe. Going into a public parking lot that is empty to get class notes at an odd hour of the night is unsafe. The point is, whether man or woman, be smart about where you meet, choose an appropriate time, and ensure it’s in a safe space.

What this looks like online/social media: Do not put personal information like where you live on your Facebook or other online site. If you’re “checking in” somewhere online, let it be somewhere public and attended by people. For example, if you are at the beach when it’s deserted at night, do not “check in” live on sites or social media where your location can be tracked by strangers, or even people you don’t know well.

________________________

Finally, the pursuit of marriage is the reason many young people get involved in relationships or put themselves in situations they later regret. Marriage is a noble intention, and should be pursued nobly. A guiding principle is the ends don’t justify the means in Islam. The space of Islamic work may be a place where people meet potential spouses, but the work should not be used as an excuse to get attention under the guise of being interested in marriage. Once a person realizes their interest in marriage towards someone is a sustained interest, they should take a respectful and responsible approach. That means, be like Musa, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and talk to her family. Or be like Khadijah (ra), and talk to a reputable friend, preferably married, who can find a tactful way to recommend you. It is permissible to approach the person you’re interested in directly, specifically if you know that’s their personal preference as well since not everyone has a supportive or present family. However, make sure it’s done with respect. When you’re respectful in both means and method, you can pursue your intention for marriage through its blessed path, and continue your Islamic work/volunteering on its own blessed path.

Inter-gender relations can be tricky, but remember: Just be normal! With the right intention, with purpose, and with efforts to try our best with the general guidelines God has revealed for our work together, we can focus on ensuring that our relationships lead to benefiting ourselves, our families, our societies and the world at large, with God’s will.

It is hoped that this inter-gender relations summary be of service to brothers and sisters everywhere. May Allah (swt) ennoble our character, manners, and disposition with what pleases Him most. May He allow us to practice both the spirit and letter of His guidance for us. May He forgive our many shortcomings and mistakes. May Allah increase us in His remembrance, gratitude, guidance, and beautify our worship. May He accept from us all. Ameen.

One of the biggest problems facing religion today is modern relevance. For many people of faith, this means coming to terms with reforming their religion to fit modern times by dismissing or “re-interpreting” scripture. The beauty of Islam among religions is in its universality, its compatibility with science, and its versatile legal tradition which remains relevant across times and cultures.

Modernity between Acceptance of Reality and Rejectionism

For the Muslim, the correct attitude is not to resist or reject modernity, rather embrace it with our divine law. Unfortunately, some “conservative” Muslims fear modernity for one reason or another, thus detracting from their relevance. This way of thinking alienates many educated, reasonable Muslims, because they have to live in reality and Islam seems to be at odds with it.

We have ample means of accommodating modernity embedded in the Qur’an, the Sunnah and our vast, rich, 14-century legacy of jurisprudence. So for us, it is not a matter of reform per se, rather that of revivalist research of scriptural interpretation. The Islamic orthodoxy of law is quite vast and versatile. There are two issues that have hindered the proper manifestation of this versatility: closing of the doors of ijtihad (deriving new rulings from legal principles) for centuries, and a huge decline in the general quality of education in the Muslim world in the last two centuries. These two issues have led to some scholars blindly following certain, fixed schools of thought, and in turn to the subjugation of religious values to popular culture; thus our current dilemma/dichotomy.

Female Role in Society

One of the issues of modernity is female leadership. So you have the culture and its supporting fatwas from the Muslim world that women are not to be leaders outside of motherhood. You have a general consensus that women can be scholars and preach Islam, but only to other women, lest they corrupt the men with their sex appeal! In the west, Muslims are divided three ways over the issue of female leadership.

1. Since immigrants are still the major stakeholders in the Mosques, most mosques have not had a female board member, executive director (Amirah) and have never had a woman scholar or preacher speak to the community.
2. Some movements have started to make women Imams, leading prayers and giving Friday sermons to mixed gatherings. This has no traction in mainstream mosques due to the lack of precedent in the history of Islamic Law.
3. Some Mosques are empowering sisters as female board members and executive directors, and inviting female preachers to speak to mixed gatherings. They are reviving some historical precedents of Islamic Law to achieve relevance in dealing with modernity.

Women Scholars Preaching Islam to Mixed Gatherings

The subject I would like to tackle now, with divine providence, is having female scholars who advise and preach to both men and women. Naturally, some people will object, saying it is un-Islamic to have a woman speak to a mixed crowd, counsel or give fatwa to men. The same people would not object to a male scholar counseling a woman, outside of seclusion of course! To give them the benefit of the doubt, they have never seen or heard of this in the Muslim community. Here lies the power of culture in defining our traditions. The resolution of such issues should not be determined by what we see people doing, rather by what Islam says about the matter.

So the question is, what does Islam say about having women scholars, preachers and teachers who address both men and women?

The Holy Qur’an tells us:

“The believing men and women are patrons of each other. They command to good, rebuke evil, establish prayers, give alms, obeying God and His messenger. They will have God’s mercy. Indeed God is Mighty and Wise.” (Qur’an, 9:71)

This verse, like many others, puts men and women on equal footing regarding the practice of religion. It is especially significant regarding our question, because its linguistics equates men and women working together in preaching.

Umar sums up the drastic change to Arabia regarding women

“.كنا في الجاهلية لا نعد للنساء شيئا حتى أنزل الله فيهن ما أنزل وقسم لهن ما قسم،” و في رواية: “فلما جاء الإسلام وذكرهن الله، رأينا لهن بذلك علينا حقا”

 “Back in the days of ignorance before Islam, we didn’t consider women of much significance at all. This all changed with the emergence of Islam in which God mentioned them with respect and gave them new rights then we realized their rights over us.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 5843)

Aisha – The Founding Mother Scholar, Judge and Orator

There are many texts which unquestionably show that Aisha was a huge precedent for female scholarship. Trained for 9 years in the house of the Prophet ﷺ, Abu Musa al-Ash’ari the great scholar of the companions is reported to have said about her:

“.ما أُشكل علَينا أصحابُ محمَّدٍ صلَّى اللهُ عليْهِ وسلَّمَ حَديثٌ قطُّ ، فسأَلنا عائشةَ ، إلَّا وجَدنا عِندها منه عِلمًا”

“Sometimes we the companions of Muhammad ﷺ would get confused about Islamic teachings. We would then go and ask Aisha about itand we found she always had the knowledge we were seeking in it.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi, 3883)

It was also authentically transmitted by al-Zubair bin al-Awam, the great companion who was of the six nominated by Umar to decide among them the Caliph after him:

ما رأيت أحدا من الناس اعلم بالقرآن ولا بفريضة ولا بحلال ولا بحرام ولا بشعر ولا بحديث العرب ولا بنسب من عائشة رضي الله عنها

“I never saw anyone more knowledgeable of the Qur’an, Islamic Law, poetry, Arab history and lineages than Aisha radi
Allahu
`anha
 (may God be pleased with her).” (Al-Hakim, 4/11)

In his masterpiece on the biographies of the greatest prominent Muslims of our past, Imam al-Dhahabi relates that the famous scholar and general of the tabi’in (the generation of Muslims who were born after the death of the Prophet ﷺbut who were contemporaries of His companions) in Iraq, Al-Ahnaf bin Qays, said:

سمعت خطبة أبي بكر الصديق وعمر بن الخطاب وعثمان بن عفان وعلي بن أبي طالب والخلفاء من بعدهم فما سمعت الكلام من في مخلوق أحسن ولا أفخم من في عائشة

“I heard the sermons of Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthman, Ali and the Caliphs after them and yet I never heard speech from the mouth of anyone better or more eloquent than from Aisha.” (Siyar al-A’lam al-Nubalaa)

This should close the case, but some might say that Aisha was an exception. Well, she was in fact unique, since she was the greatest woman scholar among the companions, and greater than the top handful of men as well. That being said, as the mother of the believers, she naturally became a standard of excellence and an example to be followed by other women.

In his famous work Al-Isabah fee Tamyeez as-Sahabah, Imam ibn Hajar al-Asqalani reports on 1543 women scholars of Islamic Law, Hadith and Arabic literature!

As for teaching, the great granddaughter of the Prophet ﷺ Nafeesah bint al-Hasan was reported to have lectured to the masses in the Prophet’s mosque as well as in Cairo. It is also well-documented that scholars like Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn Hajar, Ibn al-Jawzi and Imam al-Thahabi were all taught by female scholars.

For those of you who are still not convinced that it is acceptable for a sister to assert herself,

Imam Al-Haythami relates a story about the woman Umar put in charge of the policing of the marketplace of Madinah. Yahya bin Abi Saleem said:

رأيْتُ سَمْرَاءَ بنتَ نُهَيْكٍ وكانَتْ قد أَدْرَكَتِ النبيَّ صلَّى اللهُ عليهِ وسلَّمَ عليْها دِرْعٌ غَلِيظٌ وخِمارٌ غَلِيظٌ ؛ بيدِهِا سَوْطٌ تُؤَدِّبُ الناسَ ، وتَأْمُرُ بالمعروفِ وتَنْهَى عَنِ المنكرِ

“I saw Samraa bint Nuhayk, who met the Prophet ﷺ, wearing a rough Hijab with chainmail and a whip in her hand. She would discipline the people commanding to good and rebuking evil.” (Majma’ al-Zawa’id 9/267)

The majority of our scholars throughout history have said that there is nothing wrong with listening to a woman’s speech unless it is flirtatious or provocative. Both men and women were prohibited from (prolonged) looking at an attractive person. To say a woman clergy member cannot speak in front of men because some men may find her attractive is the same as prohibiting women from listening to a male Imam, since women have desires as well, and were equally rebuked from looking where there is attraction.

Just because the Muslims have strayed from the scholarly tradition of old and have become used to certain ways of dealing does not mean that our traditional sources of law do not support a different way of doing things more suitable for the reality we live in today.

It is of the utmost importance that we not judge Islam by the state of Muslims today. Our religion is much bigger and better than that. There were many great generations who were not only relevant but standard setters for civilization in general wherever they were.

There are many causes and struggles going on here in the US right now. Our religion is completely capable of addressing and solving the world’s problems. We are obligated to create a generation that has the right tools to bring moral balance to issues like feminism, economy, racism, class warfare, political corruption, oppression or anything else related to morality or ethics.

Think modesty (hayā’). What comes to mind? It could be wearing hijāb and dressing modestly. Or maybe it is using decent and clean speech. Or it might be conducting ourselves with dignity and self-respect around the opposite gender. If we know we’ve fallen short in our modesty, we feel the need to change in some way. So, we try to wear more loose-fitting clothes, for example, or wear less make-up. Or we might try to curse a little less, look at lewd images less often, or flirt a little less with a guy friend or girls at work. But sometimes we find it difficult to change these habits and behaviors. Why is that? Part of the reason is that we overlook the inner spiritual dimensions of modesty; we try to cure the symptoms without dealing with the problem at its root. It is almost like trying to save a dried out plant by dipping its leaves in water or fertilizer.

Maybe what needs our attention is less apparent. Maybe it is our attitude towards Allah (swt), or the purity of our hearts, or the depth and strength of our faith in Allah. If we develop modesty and shamefulness in our hearts, it becomes easier for our thoughts, desires, conversations, and actions to reflect that modesty. When we have modesty with Allah, our manners and behavior with His creation will naturally exude more modesty. So, outer modesty is a byproduct and manifestation of the God-consciousness and modesty we nurture within.

I recently read a book almost entirely on the inner dimensions of modesty. It is called Fiqhu`l-Hayā’ (Understanding Modesty) by Muhammad Al-Muqaddim. I’ve translated some excerpts ((Excerpts have been translated with slight modifications. The section headings are not worded exactly as found in the book)) that I felt capture the essence of hayā’ and how it relates to imān and our relationship with Allah (swt). The last translated portion includes ways to adorn our character with more modesty, both internally and externally. May it be of benefit to all insha’Allah (God-willing).

What is Hayā’?

Linguistically, hayā’ is derived from the root hayiyy, which comes from the word hayāh (life). Heavy rain is referred to as hayyan because with it comes the life of the earth, and plants and animals. Similarly, the worldly life and the afterlife are defined through hayā’; whoever does not have hayā’ would be (spiritually) dead in this life, and also miserable in the afterlife. Some linguists have said: “The life in one’s face comes from its hayā’, just as the life of a planted seed comes from watering it.”

The level of one’s hayā’ is based on how much life is in the heart…so the more alive the heart, the more complete the hayā’.

Technically, hayā’ is defined as a change or a state of humility that overtakes a person out of fear of being blameworthy. Ibn Al-Qayyim says: “Hayā’ is a state that emerges from combining exaltation with love, so when the two are coupled, hayā’ is born.” ((Madarij Al-Salikeen 2/274, as found in Manazil Al-Sa’ireen.)) Some scholars say that it stems from feeling shameful in the heart about something and feeling averse to it.

It can also emerge when the servants know that Allah, the Truth, is looking at them, making them more patient with a certain struggle, or making them feel uncomfortable with their own sin, or making them refrain from complaining.

Hayā’ can also come from recognizing the bounty and graciousness one receives. This is because a generous person would not return favorable treatment with mistreatment.

Al-Junayd, may Allah have mercy on him, said: “Hayā’ is seeing the Signs, and being aware of one’s shortcomings. Out of these two will arise a state of hayā’. In reality, hayā’ is a character trait that encourages a person to avoid shameful things and prevents one from neglecting the rights of the One Who deserves them most.” ((Riyad Al-Saliheen, p. 246.))

Hayā’ and Imān

It is narrated that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) said: “Hayā’ and imān are two companions, so when one increases, the other also increases.” ((Reported by Al-Hakim.))

He ﷺ also said: “Hayā’ is a part of Imān.” ((Reported by Muslim.)) Imam Al-Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him) reported that Al-Qadi `Iyad said: “Hayā’ was made to be a part of imān—even if it is innate—because it can either be acquired and adopted like all other acts of righteousness, or it can be one’s natural disposition. However, practicing hayā’ according to Islamic legislation requires that it be acquired with the right intention and with sound knowledge. That is why hayā’ is a part of imān. Another reason is that hayā’ encourages one to do acts of righteousness and it prevents one from committing sins.” ((Al-Nawawi’s Commentary on Sahih Muslim, 2/5.))

Allah’s Love of Modesty

It is narrated that the Prophet ﷺ said: “Verily, Allah the Exalted is Modest and Concealing (Sittīr); and He loves modesty and concealment. So, when any of you bathe, let him conceal himself.” ((Reported by Abu Dawud, An-Nasa’i, al-Baihaqi, and Ahmed.))

Al-Mubarakfuri (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “(The Prophet)’s statement ‘Allah is Modest’ means He is Modest in practice, or shows a lot of Modesty. Describing Allah with the Attribute of Modesty is to be understood in a way most befitting for Allah, just like all His other Attributes; we believe in them but do not delve into how (the traits are manifested).” ((Tuhfat Al-Ahwadhi, Commentary on Jami` Al-Tirmidhi, 9/544.))

Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “…Whoever has a trait similar to one of Allah’s attributes, that trait will lead him to Allah, and will bring him closer to Allah’s Mercy, and will make him/her beloved to Allah; for Allah is Most-Merciful, and He loves the merciful; He is Most Generous, and He loves the generous; He is All-Knowing, and He loves the knowledgeable; He is strong, and He loves the strong believer—who is more beloved to Him than the weak believer; He is Modest, and he loves the people of modesty; He is Beautiful and He loves the people of beauty; He is One (witr) and he loves the people of the witr (prayer).” ((Al-Jawab Al-Kafi p. 77.))

Who Deserves Our Modesty?

A person should be modest with Allah, the All-Mighty and Exalted, with the angels, and with oneself. Whoever is modest with people but not with oneself has belittled his self because he does not see it as worthy of his own modesty. Whoever is modest with oneself but not with Allah does not truly know Allah, the All-Mighty and Exalted. As such, the Prophet ﷺ told a man he was advising: “I advise you to have shame with Allah as you would have shame (in the presence) of a righteous man from your people.” ((Reported by Ahmed.))

In the words of Allah, the All-Mighty and Exalted, “Does he not know that Allah sees (everything)?” (Qur’an, 96:14). There is an implied warning to the servant; if he knows that Allah sees him, then he should be ashamed of committing sin.  Whoever knows that the One he worships is observing his worship will be more inclined to adorn it externally with humble reverence and internally with sincerity and presence. Surely, Allah knows the secret glance of the eyes and what the hearts conceal.

The Prophet ﷺ has made modesty a standard and measure for a person’s actions. Nawwas ibn Sam`an, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that he asked the Messenger of Allah ﷺ about righteousness and wrongdoing. So he ﷺ responded: “Righteousness is good character and wrongdoing is what makes you feel discomfort, ((Author’s footnote: Meaning, there is a feeling of reluctance or discomfort [in the chest]. If it occurs in the heart, then it is doubt and fear that [the action] is sinful.)) and that you would hate for people to see (what you are doing).” ((Reported by Muslim.))

One of the areas where modesty [i.e. shamefulness] should be avoided is in seeking knowledge and in educating. `Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “One who does not know should not be ashamed of asking until he has knowledge, and one who is asked about something he does not know should not be ashamed to say ‘I do not know.’” Al-Bukhari said that Mujahid said: “The one who is shy or arrogant does not gain knowledge.” `Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “How great were the women of the Ansar; their modesty did not prevent them from seeking knowledge about their religion.” ((Fath Al-Bari, Commentary on Sahih Al-Bukhari, by Ibn Hajr Al-`Asqalani.))

How Do We Become More Modest?

If a person’s character traits were completely innate, they would be difficult to change, or replace, or adjust. Islamic legislation calls for adopting beautiful moral traits and eliminating bad character traits. If it was not possible to do so, Islamic legislation would not obligate it. Allah, the Most-High, says: “He has succeeded—the one who purifies it, and he has failed—the one who corrupts it.” (Qur’an, 91:9-10)

Despite that, people vary in their ability, capability, or willingness to adopt or change certain character traits. So, if a person is naturally disposed to express a specific quality, it is easier to develop that character trait even further. This is because his innate disposition (fitra) is assisting him. As related to modesty as a character trait, it can be innate, and it can also be acquired. These are some ways to help in acquiring and developing modesty:

1. Refrain from shameless words or actions, such as foul or evil speech. This will aggravate Satan, who beautifies these actions, and tempts people with them. So, not engaging in such actions would actually make him hopeless, and he would in turn retract in disgrace.
2. Continuously learn about the benefits of modesty, and expose one’s heart to them repeatedly. Also, making a commitment to gaining the highest levels of modesty, and actively adorning oneself with it.
3. Strengthen imān and belief in the heart, because modesty is a fruit of imān and knowing Allah, the All-Mighty and Exalted.
4. Worship Allah (swt) by reflecting on His Beautiful Names and Attributes, which bring about Allah-consciousness and excellent (character and behavior). Examples of such Names would be: The Witness, The Overseer, The All-Knowing, The All-Hearing, The All-Seeing, The All-Encompassing, and The Protector. Hatim Al-Asam said: “Make a pact with yourself in three (areas): when you do something, remember that Allah sees you, and when you speak, remember that Allah hears you, and when you are silent, remember Allah’s knowledge of your inner (thoughts, feelings, and being).”
5. Consistently observe the obligatory and recommended worship, like prayer. Allah, the Most-High, said: “Verily, prayer prevents lewdness and evil deeds.” It was said to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ: “So and so prays all night, but when he wakes up he steals!” So, he ﷺ said: “What you mentioned [i.e. his prayers] will [eventually] prevent him from that.” Or he said: “His prayers will prevent him.” ((Reported by Ahmed.)) Zakah is another example. Allah, Most-Glorified, says regarding zakah: “Take a portion of their wealth as charity [zakah] to purify them and increase them with it.” (Qur’an, 9:103)
6. Always be truthful and avoid dishonesty. This is because truthfulness will guide a person to righteousness, and modesty is a part of righteousness. The Prophet ﷺ said: “You should be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to paradise…” ((Reported by Bukhari and Muslim.))
7. Actively practice modesty on a regular basis so that it becomes a natural disposition. This will require beautifying oneself with patience.
8. See righteous people, intermingle with them, listen to them, and learn from their modesty. Some scholars have said: “Enliven your modesty by sitting with those whom you would feel shameful around.” Mujahid said: “If all that a Muslim benefits from his brother is that his feeling of shame with him prevents him from sinning, then that would suffice him.” ((Makarim Al-Akhlaq [p. 84].))
9. Bring to mind the modesty of the greatest example for mankind, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, and learn about his Seerah and his noble traits. Also, bring to mind the modesty of his companions and their lives, especially the righteous caliphs, the ten given glad tidings of paradise, those who witnessed Badr, and the Pledge of Ridwan, and the rest of the Muhajireen and the Ansar, and those who followed in their footsteps from the people of knowledge and faith.
10. Remove oneself from a corrupted environment that keeps one away from good character. Do not accompany those who show little modesty; befriend righteous people instead. In the Prophetic narration about the man who killed one hundred souls, the knowledgeable man said: “…And who can stand between you and a sincere repentance? Go to so and so land, for you will find people there who worship Allah. So, worship Allah with them, and do not return to your land because it is a land of evil…” ((Reported by Bukhari and Muslim.))

We seek Allah’s forgiveness for every misstep, and for every mistake we made with the pen; and we seek His forgiveness for any words that do not match our actions; we seek His forgiveness for anything we showed or revealed of knowledge despite our shortcomings; we ask that He makes us act upon what we know, for His sake only, and that He places this knowledge on our scale of righteous deeds when our deeds are presented before us. Verily, He is Most-Benevolent and Generous.

The following lecture compares three contemporary social issues with the time of the Prophet ﷺ: Gender relations, racism and drinking. The below article delves into more detail with regards to gender relations in particular.

Many of us lament that we’re no longer like the Companions of the Prophet ﷺ; that their times were different, that their circumstances were different, and that we can never be like them. This concept is often invoked when we discuss gender relations with regards to Muslim youth and how ‘astray’ our youth have gone in comparison to that noble generation.

Yet, contrary to perhaps popular knowledge, the homeboys and the homegirls of the Prophet ﷺ also struggled with their desires. They too slipped and made mistakes.  And through their situations, the Prophet ﷺ took the time to coach, train and teach them, helping them transform into the great giants whom we recognize today.

Thus, let us take a look at some of the ways the Prophet ﷺ dealt with the issue of gender interaction in his community so that we can learn lessons applicable today.

Ibn Abbas radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) shares with us, “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “Verily We know the eager among you to be first, and verily We know the eager among you to be behind,” (Qur’an 15:24). ((ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai. Authenticated by Albaani (#3472 in his Silsilat al-ahadith al-sahih).))

From this narration, we learn that the young men who lived in the very city and attended the very masjid of the Prophet of God ﷺ slipped and checked a girl out. And yet what did the Prophet ﷺ do about it?

Did he create a wall between the men and women’s sections? Nope. Did he prohibit women from going to the mosque, lest they tempt the men who attend? Never. In fact, he ﷺ did the exact opposite and commanded that women not be stopped from going to the House of God. ((Narrations can be found in Sahih Muslim, amongst other places.))

What he did do was allow men and women to continue to be a part of the same society, working together as a community, existing cohesively. At the same time, he ﷺ helped train his community to keep their desires in check.

The below are a few incidents in which we learn how he did so:

1- Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas (ra): “Al-Fadl bin Abbas rode behind God’s Messenger ﷺ as his companion rider on the back portion of his she-camel on the day of Nahr (slaughtering of sacrifice, 10th Dhul-Hijja) and Al-Fadl was a handsome man. The Prophet ﷺ stopped to give the people verdicts (regarding their matters). In the meantime, a beautiful woman from the tribe of Khatham came, asking the verdict of God’s Messenger. Al-Fadl started looking at her as her beauty attracted him. The Prophet ﷺ looked behind while Al-Fadl was looking at her; so the Prophet ﷺ held out his hand backwards and caught the chin of Al-Fadl and turned his face (to the other side) in order that he should not gaze at her….” ((Bukhari))

Look at how the Prophet ﷺ trains Al-Fadl to be a responsible young man. He does not slam him for not keeping his desires in check. And even more importantly, he does not utter words that would make Al-Fadl believe that the source of the problem was the existence of the woman and that Al-Fadl had no responsibility in checking her out. On the contrary, he gently turns Al-Fadl’s face away, teaching him that he is the one who needs to be responsible for his actions.

And let’s look at the Prophet ﷺ teaches the rest of this ummah (community) how to interact with women.

The Prophet ﷺ does not curse the woman for being “a fitna (trial).” He does not accuse the woman of enticing Al-Fadl. He does not shun her. Instead, he facilitated for her to be able to ask a question without being checked out.

We also don’t notice her being reprimanded by the Prophet to cover her face while nearing the Prophet ﷺ or other men who are not related to her. We do not hear this narration stating that she was advised to speak behind a curtain in the future lest her beauty become a temptation for men who could not control themselves.

In fact, it was quite the opposite. The Prophet ﷺ caught Al-Fadl staring and so he gently pushed Al-Fadl’s gaze away from the woman. The Prophet ﷺ taught Al-Fadl to control his own self. He put the onus of responsibility on Al-Fadl in this incident instead of scolding the woman who caught his gaze.

Al-Fadl did not protest the Prophet’s action of turning his face; Al-Fadl did not respond with, “But dear Prophet, she is the one who is a fitna (temptation)!” or, “Prophet of God! Command her to cover herself and hide so that she never makes another man’s eyes look at her again!”

In our own communities, women are often blamed for the downfall of men. Women blame other women for dressing inappropriately, wearing too much makeup, or acting flirtatiously with men. Men blame women for the same things! The blame always ends up being on women. We end up holding the brunt of the baggage of the gender relationship.

But what about what the Prophet ﷺ taught us? Yes, we have certain dress codes and guidelines of interactions to which men and women should both adhere, but it does not stop there. This woman was beautiful (may Allah be pleased with her) and yet the Prophet ﷺ didn’t condemn her beauty or stop her from speaking with him ﷺ and asking her question. So what about our communities today?! Let us move beyond placing the blame on women. Let us actually follow the Prophetic way in which each individual takes responsibility for his or her own actions without unnecessarily blaming others for simply existing.

2- In another example, another male companion went further than simply checking out a woman. He actually kissed her! The following narration gives us insight as to how God addressed his sorrowful admittance, seeking forgiveness and guidance from the Prophet ﷺ, “A man kissed a woman. So he came to the Messenger of God and informed him about it. Then God revealed this verse, ‘And perform the prayers, between the two ends of the day and in some hours of the night. Verily, the good deeds efface the evil deeds,’ (11:114). The man asked the Messenger of God ﷺ if the revelation of this verse applied only to his situation. The Messenger of God responded, ‘It applies to all my ummah.’” ((Bukhari))

What can we take from this incident? This incident teaches us that the way that God, our Creator, our Loving Sustainer, taught us to deal with slipping into sin is through connecting back with Him immediately. He sent a verse to teach us all that if any one of us messes up, we should go back to Him and maintain our daily prayers. The daily prayers “prohibit immorality and wrongdoing,”  ((Qur’an 29:45)) and having that connection will also be a means of our continual forgiveness. ((“The five daily prayers and Jumu’ah to Jumu’ah is an expiation of the sins committed between those times so long as one is not guilty of major sins.” [Bukhari]))

Now, this is not to suggest that those who are involved in inappropriate relationships should simply pray immediately after getting physical and then return to that action. This companion clearly came to the Prophet with regret and with resolve, seeking a solution when admitting his fault to the Prophet ﷺ . However, what we can take is that even the greatest of the great slip and succumb to natural human desire. But when we make the same mistake that one of them did, we should do what they did to seek change: We should regret it, immediately take to seeking God’s forgiveness, and make the resolve not to slip into it again. And if we do slip? Start the cycle of asking for forgiveness over.

3- But what about someone who wants to go all the way? How did the Prophet ﷺ help prevent a man who seriously wanted to do it? Once a young man came to the Prophet ﷺ requesting from the Prophet to grant this man permission to have sex outside of marriage. The people were shocked and were trying to silence his question. The Prophet ﷺ asked him a series of questions. “Would you like it for your mom?” He ﷺ continued to ask if this man would like it for his daughter, sister or other female relatives. The man continually responded in the negative, intellectually convinced by the logical argument of the Prophet ﷺ. Finally, the Prophet placed his blessed hand on the man and prayed to God, “Dear God! May you forgive his sins, purify his heart and make him chaste.” And it is narrated that this man never got involved in what he was requesting after this experience with the Prophet. ((Al Hakim))

This man was intellectually and spiritually blessed by the logic of, connection to, and prayer from the Prophet ﷺ. We need to learn to be like the Prophet ﷺ when it comes to dealing with issues of sex. I know of young Muslim women who are afraid of getting married simply because their parents have made sex such a taboo topic that they have an intense fear of having to deal with sexual intimacy in marriage. I have also known of young men and women who really wanted to get married, whose parents refused to let them marry really awesome people who came to ask for their hand simply because of their race, and who eventually could no longer handle it and had sex outside of marriage.

As parents, we need to consider the approach of the Prophet ﷺ when it comes to discussing sex and sexual desires. The Prophet ﷺ openly addressed this man’s concerns about sex in a public setting. He didn’t make this topic an untouchable taboo. How much more of a right do your own children have for you to have open conversations with them in the privacy of your own home? However, don’t make it all awkward for your kids. Develop an open relationship with them before they’re old enough to have these conversations so that you don’t come off really weird and make them uncomfortable. If open communication is a natural dynamic in your family, such conversations will also occur organically, God willing.

Furthermore, as community leaders, we need to have open dialog with our members about these issues. If the family structure of our congregants doesn’t provide the security and openness needed to understand sex and related issues, we should have strong relationships with our communities so that we can help be a resource and means of guidance.

3. Additionally, during the time of the Prophet ﷺ, just like today, even his married companions had sex outside of marriage. Committing adultery is a serious issue, especially as it involves emotionally hurting one’s family. But in the incidents described, the Prophet was not quick to punish. He turned a woman away who came to him—asking for him to punish her so that she would be purified—continuously and consistently. He gave her so many opportunities to never come back to him and never receive any type of physical consequence, to simply live in repentance. But she, like others, came back over and over again until he finally established the consequence. ((Narrations of this can be found in Sahih Muslim.))

The point in mentioning this is simply that this existed during the time of the Prophet ﷺ with the world’s greatest generation. They slipped just as we do, yet they were man or woman enough to beg God for forgiveness and recognize they had made a mistake. And even with some members in his community making a mistake and going all the way outside of marriage, the Prophet ﷺ did not ban men and women from working together and interacting with one another. Instead, he taught the men and women in his community to work together, professionally and respectfully, but with the warmth of true brotherhood and sisterhood.

Most of the examples I have chosen with regards to gender-relation scenarios explicitly mentioned men as those who acted upon or wanted to act upon their desires, but the same applies to women! Ladies are often put under the bus when it comes to talking about women’s sexual needs and desires, minimizing the reality that many women do in fact have strong sexual urges and fight themselves not to act upon them. Men and women alike can take from the lessons we’ve discussed from the lives of those living in the society of the Prophet ﷺ and actualize the concepts of self-responsibility, continual connection with God and intellectual and spiritual strength to overcome desires or repent and turn to Him continuously when falling.

Many in our communities today suffer from a lack of understanding gender relations. Women are sometimes not even allowed into the masjid because of the fear that their presence could somehow cause craziness. Women are often blamed as the ultimate cause of men being led astray in regards to gender issues. In my personal experience, men are rarely reminded that they must uphold their end of the gender relations’ bargain as well, other than by ignoring women’s existence or ensuring that women are behind the mosque’ wall and far from being a fitna for men’s lives. And in my perspective, this lack of understanding of the Prophetic method in training his community—which is quite different from completely segregating his community—is also one of the reasons many in the West are dealing with a real marriage crisis. (These are all huge issues stuffed into one paragraph; I feel their mention is essential when discussing gender relations, but they will individually be addressed in future articles, God willing).

A few general suggestions on how to deal with gender issues in our communities: ((As inspired by my beloved friend, Sana Iqbal.))

1. For Oneself: Understand that we are individually responsible for ourselves, our dress and our actions. Both men and women have specific interaction and dress guidelines and each should try their best to adhere to those instructions. However, a person’s struggle with not maintaining those guidelines (either actions or dress) is NEVER a reason for someone else to put the blame on them. If you are attracted to someone, regardless of how they are dressed or undressed, it is your individual responsibility, as a male or female, to respectfully avert your gaze from checking that person out without blaming them for being distracting. Your actions are always on you; if you slip, keep the blame to yourself.
2. For Men: Use your male privilege to create spaces which accommodate women to flourish into dynamic, knowledge-seeking, dawah-giving, masjid-attending Muslim women. Women’s existence is not the problem. If you can’t deal with women respectfully and professionally, don’t blame them for existing. Challenge yourself to follow the Prophetic method of training: Hold yourself fully accountable for your own actions, just as the companion who stared, or who kissed, or who wanted to go all the way or who actually did, and understand that women are your “partners” ((From the Prophet’s last sermon: “Do treat your women well and be kind to them, for they are your partners and committed helpers.” [Bukhari])) as you are theirs.
3. For Women: Societies in general put the blame on us. Because of this, we have to bear the burden of responsibility, as women, to demand spaces be created for us to seek and spread knowledge and become involved in community growth. Never allow for someone’s mental or verbal harassing of you for existing to be the reason you stop attending the masjid or seeking knowledge. We NEED women who are willing to be strong enough to deal with the drama we constantly have to face to help create space for women so that, God willing, and with the support of our male partners, we will begin to see a shift of return to the Prophetic society of respectful empowerment.
4. For Young People: We know most of your hormones are raging and that you often do not have a place to deal with the realities of your mistakes and your desires. Finding a balance, especially without the ability to speak openly with your parents about it is difficult. Find mentors in your community who you can speak to and seek support from. And if you’ve slipped a bunch of times, know that Allah is always ready for you to come back and be near Him!
5. For Parents and Community Leaders: We need you to nurture our young people. Open conversations and tangible examples of successful gender interactions and respecting, honoring and empowering women- and guiding men to know how to empower themselves by both taking personal responsibility and supporting the empowerment of women- are needed for the successful transition of your generation’s leadership to theirs.
6. For Everyone: We all make mistakes—even the Companions did! Take the time to turn every mistake into an opportunity to return back to our Creator! He is always ready for us.

The companions, were not born as gender-relation ballers. They converted to Islam with baggage and carried it into their Muslim lives.

Through their efforts, they struggled to actualize a crown Qur’anic axiom describing gender interactions, and it is the very one we must continue to work towards despite our confusion, our cultural (mis)understandings and our struggles:

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey God and His Messenger. Those  – God will have mercy upon them. Indeed, God is Exalted in Might and Wise.” ((Qur’an 9:71))

I once dropped by the MSA at the University of Tulsa and heard a very disturbing story. A man from the area had left Islam and had recently given a talk at a local church about his apostasy. He claimed that there was no love in Islam. He felt that the Islamic way of life is filled with hate, harshness and rigidity. I plan to touch on how this apostate and others like him are dead wrong. It is obvious to any common practicing Muslim that they have very little knowledge of the Qur’an and Sunnah (ways of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Before making such a judgment, they should have based their decision based upon the scripture. The truth is that a problem common to all apostates I’ve heard of is blaming Islam for the actions of people who happened to be called Muslim, yet aren’t necessarily practicing Islam correctly.

When talking about love in Islam let’s see what the Holy Qur’an says about it. First of all I would like to note two definitions of love found in the American Heritage Dictionary:

8a. God’s benevolence and Mercy toward man.

8b. Man’s devotion to or adoration of God.

These two definitions precisely describe the Islamic concept of the relation between God and man.

When reading the Qur’an, anyone can easily recognize the emphasis put on God’s love, compassion, graciousness, mercy and forgiveness. As a matter of fact, all chapters of the Qur’an except one begin with the phrase “in the name of God” who is described as Al-Rahman (the Benevolent) and Al-Raheem (the Merciful). This verse is often translated as “in the Name of God, the Benevolent and Merciful.”  This fits the exact meaning of the definition for the love of God found in the English dictionary. These two descriptions are the most commonly used words by which Allah describes Himself in the Qur’an. These characteristics of Allah refer to His countless blessings, bounties and forgiveness He has bestowed upon us without us deserving anything. He does all of that even though we constantly break His commandments.

Similarly, when we look at the Arabic word muslim, we find that it is a person who is devoted to Allah, submitting to His will. This is exactly what the English dictionary has to say about the meaning of a person’s love for God.

Life is all about a test of realization and action. We are drawn to a realization of God’s love for us and leading a life of gratitude, which reflects our deep adoration and devotion to God. We do this hoping that our beloved Creator will be pleased with us and yearning to be with Him for eternity in the bliss of the hereafter. This well-known concept of the purpose of life according to Islam perfectly reflects the meaning of the man’s love for God.

Islam enjoins the general concept of love among mankind as well. This is first and foremost done by promoting the love of God amongst our fellow man. This is manifested through our practice of the concept of “rahmah” which can be translated as love, mercy, compassion or forgiveness. The Prophet ﷺ told his companions, as narrated authentically in al-Targheeb (3/210):

لن تؤمنوا حتى ترحموا قالو يا رسول الله كلنا رحيم قال إنه ليس بر حمة أحدكم صاحبه و لكنه رحمة العامة

“You don’t truly believe until you have rahmah for others.” His companions responded, “We all have rahmah.” The Prophet ﷺ then told them, “Verily, you don’t reach this level of faith by just having rahmah for those who are close to you, but you must have rahmah for everyone.”

In fact this was the sum of why Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) sent the Prophet ﷺ. He says in verse 107 of al-Anbiyaa in the Qur’an,

And We have not sent you, [O Muhammad], except as a mercy to the worlds. (21:107)

In this category of general love for everything, we have another very important type of love. This is the love between a husband and wife. So before continuing about this love and how it manifests itself between married couples, let’s talk about how one gets married according to Islam.

Finding a spouse in Islam is quite easy. It is actually much easier than in common western culture. Islam forbids anything that can possibly lead to fornication. First, let’s ponder over verse 32 of Surah al-Israa in the Qur’an,

 This verse means “Don’t even come close to fornicating.” (17:32)

As a result of this, it is prohibited to be alone with, flirt or touch someone from the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse or immediate family. The only mixed gender interactions should be accompanied by lowering the gaze, hijab, only speaking about a necessity like buying something, asking directions, discussing religious matters, etc… So you can see why Islam prohibits the modern concept of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. This solves so many social problems prevalent in societies that don’t observe this seemingly strict code of mixed gender mingling. Many who were raised here in the West have many reactions to these rules, the most common of which is, “So how are we supposed to find a spouse?”

Back in the time of the Prophet ﷺ and even until today in some cultures, parents arranged marriage through their relationships with other families they knew well. Best case scenario is that they might allow them to see each other once or show a picture, but then the parents would completely make the decision of compatibility as well as of the marriage itself. Believe it or not, in the old days this would work the vast majority of the time for reasons which I will mention later.

Nowadays, people have become more critical and have an individualist, opinionated outlook, and women have taken a stronger role in society. For this reason, it would be wise for parents not to force their children to marry someone without their full approval and acceptance. This advice is based upon firsthand knowledge of many arranged marriages which obviously were not arranged based upon compatibility and/or went sour.

It should be that the family and friends of a Muslim bachelor or bachelorette are those who are actually looking for a suitable spouse for him or her. If Allah’s will was that a Muslim bachelor meets, or personally knows of someone whom he or she is interested, then he should immediately go to her family about it, preferably the father. Parents should allow their child to have some chaperoned meetings with someone in whom they are initially interested. These meetings should be strictly about learning about each other’s personality and expectations in their spouse. If after a few of these meetings they don’t feel compatible then they should break off all communication in that regard and go back to being a regular Muslim brother and sister. If after praying for Allah’s guidance (istikharah) they feel close and compatible, then it is best to get married as soon as possible. There may be a small period of engagement, but even if they are culturally engaged that does not change the fact that in Islam there is no change in their relationship. It is just an inclination to marry down the road which either party can break free from at any time.

The basic difference between an Islamic marriage and a western marriage is that in the West a couple generally meets without any help from the family. Their meeting is usually a result of a man’s attraction and a woman’s being flattered and enjoying his charming company. Then they proceed as a married couple—sometimes for many years—until they decide that they want to live the rest of their life with each other. Then they get married. They feel like they were already in love for some time. So they live together after getting married and they get sick of each other and get a divorce for one reason or another. In Islam, the marriage is protected by the divine legislation of God. The first factor in this preservation is that the marriage—if done correctly—is first formed through real compatibility and not physical desires which can often get a man to act in whatever way will get him what he wants and by the girl being flattered and charmed by his fake façade—or as we say in modern terminology, “his game.”

Once a Muslim couple is officially married, they understand that even with compatibility they must work for the rest of their lives to preserve love, compassion, understanding, respect and forgiveness between them. They have entered into a covenant with Allah (swt) that carries rights and responsibilities towards each other. The basic foundation of that bond is found in the Holy Qur’an in verse 21 of Surah al-Rum,

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)

That said, we are now coming close to the time in which most Westerners celebrate Valentine’s Day. There is much mystery and folklore as to where this holiday came from, but the general story is that it was originally a pagan holiday. After the Roman Empire embraced Christianity, it was later named after a Catholic saint named Valentine.  Folklore suggests that in the 3^rd century C.E., the Roman Emperor Claudius II banned young healthy men from marriage. In defense of the divine union of marriage, St. Valentine allegedly protested this by secretly holding marriage ceremonies. He later was martyred on February 14^th, thus marking the date.

Today this holiday has no religious affiliation and is common to both religious folk and atheists. It is a day on which couples exchange cards, candy, chocolate, flowers and even jewelry as a token of their love.  This is also a day where many premarital relationships happen or are forged.

So the question many Muslims have is, “What is the ruling on taking part in any of the traditional practices of this holiday?”

The vast majority of scholars hold it to be prohibited to buy, sell or take part in anything that is related to this holiday. They base this ruling on a few reasons:

1. They see it lead to social problems in the Muslim world, especially the recent skyrocket in dating and romantic premarital relationships.
2. It is a day on which a lot of fornication happens and even small children are encouraged to start engaging in premarital relationships.
3. It is imitating the disbelievers in their religious practices. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever imitates a people is one of them.”
4. It is rooted in the religious practices of non-Muslims so it is an innovation which must be rejected.
5. It is a holiday and all holidays except the two `Eids are innovations, religious or not.

A handful of other scholars don’t feel that there is any conclusive evidence that prohibits Muslim married couples from taking this opportunity to recognize and commend their love for each other and do something special together. They argue against the five aforementioned proofs that celebrating this holiday isn’t necessarily what has caused Muslims to have illicit relationships, but that—Valentine’s Day or not—those people are going to follow their desires and prohibiting this day won’t solve that problem. They then contend that if some choose to do fornication and teach kids the path to fornication then that is their problem. They ask, “Why can’t we do what the Prophet ﷺ did when he told the Jews that the Muslims were more worthy of following Moses than they and thus he fasted with them?” These scholars contend that this holiday was originally named after St. Valentine who defended the sanctity of marriage which is something common between us and it isn’t related to polytheism or false worship. With that argument they also bring up the debate among the madhabs (schools of thought) about al-Ateerah. Al-Ateerah was a feast in Rajab where people originally slaughtered animals for their idols. The Muslims later took the same practice in the same month, slaughtered for Allah’s sake, and gave some meat to the poor. Some scholars held that this allowance was later abrogated and prohibited while others held that it being a sunnah was abrogated and thus remained permissible. This is because many texts are hard to put together and make an easy ruling (for more info see the Kuwaiti Encyclopedia for Islamic Jurisprudence volume 29 under عتيرة). Furthermore, they argue that in the West this is a part of secular culture; even atheists take part in this holiday, and it is not seen as a Christian holiday, nor celebrated in churches like Christmas and Easter.

Allah knows best if there is sin in taking part in the tradition of this day, as both arguments have their proofs, but let’s take our love seriously and live a life that reflects our love for Allah (swt) and His messenger ﷺ. This is indeed the true love; as Bob Marley correctly said, “One Love… Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right.”

By Amina Atwel

Battling Temptation: Part I | Part II

You might think only men suffer from Ahmed’s problem (Part I). But let me tell you about Mona.

She was a very bright, energetic sister in her mid-20s—a graduate student working part-time and volunteering regularly at the local masjid and several Islamic organizations. She led halaqahs (gatherings), helped organize da`wah (outreach) events, and facilitated youth group gatherings and discussions. The brothers respected her and jokingly called her ‘shaykha’ (scholar) because she wouldn’t mingle and flirt with men. The girls looked up to her and wanted to be just like her. She was all around a top-notch Muslimah.

Mona had her head on straight, but just too much on her plate. She felt stressed and overwhelmed sometimes, and it showed on her. One of her Muslim classmates noticed, and would often ask her if she’s ok. Initially, she was guarded and told him not to worry. But he kept prodding her day after day until she finally opened up—and actually broke down. He stayed with her and comforted her.

She liked that he cared and showed a lot of concern. When she expressed her feelings, he would listen without judging or telling her what to do or change. He made her smile, and cheered her up. Every time she talked to him, she felt a load lift off her shoulders.

Now, she started looking forward to seeing him every day. She liked his optimism and positive attitude. He became her energy fix. The way he looked at her made her feel wanted. The way he spoke to her made her feel loved. He had something else on his mind, but she had no idea.

He was a married man. She never imagined that she’d fall in love before marriage, let alone with someone who was taken. She felt guilty and torn, but was already too attached to him—to how he made her feel.

Her heart soaked him up, and swelled with love, and lust. She wanted him near her. She wanted to smell him and feel his touch. No, no, no. She knew that she shouldn’t have these feelings and impure thoughts. She knew so well that Allah was closer to her than her own jugular vein, and that he was well aware of her secrets. Yet, every time she was with him, she’d forget all that. She’d actually forget Allah momentarily, because desire consumed her senses.

Mona had become enslaved to her lover, and that was when she lost all self-control.

This is just one way it happens. It takes different catalysts for other single, divorced or even married women, and it plays out in a myriad other ways. The truth is that even the most apparently religious sisters deal with temptation and lust for men—Muslim and non-Muslim.

For some women, it’s the man’s physique that might turn her on. Those defined, shirtless bodies, alluring poses, and seductive glances are not flaunted in magazines, stores, and ads for nothing. If these images didn’t entice women, then Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (glorified is He) would not have commanded women to lower their gaze just like He commanded men.

But for many other women, it doesn’t begin with physical appeal. It could be a man’s confidence, sense of humor, or intelligence that draws her to him. Some women might find his affection and generosity very attractive. It could be his eloquence or how he compliments her, or goes out of his way to help her—or just his charisma and position of authority. Many women fall for their teachers, professors, or shuyukh (scholars) and even try to seduce them when they’re married (the reverse is also true, but that’s another topic).

The Qur’an tells of a group of women who fell head over heels for the most pious, modest and handsome bachelor of his time—Yusuf (peace be upon him).  The ‘wife of al-`Aziz’ was married, obviously, but that didn’t stop her. She went all out to entrap him and force him into the unthinkable. Her heart, like Mona’s, had already been inflamed with love.

That is why you don’t find Allah (swt) telling us not to commit adultery. He says do not come near adultery (Qur’an, 17:32). Because before you fall off the cliff, your heart, thoughts and limbs have to venture into dangerous places that are off-limits.

The issue is not whether or not women can be tempted. It’s how much they allow their hearts to be consumed with lust before they realize they’re in trouble.  For some women, it might only be fleeting thoughts and feelings. For others, it’s the constant exposure to the same triggers that drives them to act upon their urges. If they’re feeling bored, neglected or rejected at home, they will be tempted to find fulfillment, excitement and acceptance outside the home. If they see a couple hugging and kissing affectionately, or hear a love song that churns their emotions, they will want affection from a loving man. If they keep admiring that same handsome co-worker at work, they will get a little too up-close and personal. It’s a slippery slope when we choose to keep following our desires—and Satan’s footsteps.

What begins as an innocent look or friendly email or text message can escalate into an intimate relationship that leaves one leading a tormenting life of secrecy and shamefulness. There might be some momentary pleasures and satisfaction, but they pass so quickly, and leave you with long-lasting pain and guilt. Seeking forgiveness might alleviate your pain, but it’s still hard to forget—especially when you’ve hurt loved ones and lost their trust.

Aside from the tips mentioned in Part I (which are applicable to women too), I would add for women the dire necessity of a solid support system of female friends. Not only should they be trusted friends whom you can confide in and open up to when you have personal problems, but they should support you in strengthening, not destroying, your marriage, finding you a good husband if you’re not married, and keeping you away from tempting situations and environments. If the time with your girlfriends is spent drooling over hot actors, watching romantic comedies, and stalking cute men at work or school, it’s time to make new friends who can raise the bar for your emotional and spiritual growth.

It is truly by Allah’s mercy that a woman can guard her chastity and not fall into temptation these days. May all the struggling women be blessed with righteous husbands who can be sources of love, mercy, and tranquility, as well as fun, excitement, and emotional and physical fulfillment.

I leave you with a supplication of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) on that beautiful feeling of love:

 “Allahumma inni as’aluka hubbaaka wa hubba man yanfa`uni hubbuhu `indak.

Allahumma ma razaqtani mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li quwwatan fi ma tuhibb.

Allaahumma ma zawayta `anni mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li faraaghan fi ma tuhibb.” 

“O Allah, I ask you for Your love, and the love of the one whose love benefits me with You.

O Allah, whatever You have bestowed upon me of what I love, let it be a strength for me in what You love.

O Allah, whatever You withhold from me of what I love, let it be a void (to be filled) with what You love.”

A group of women from the tribe of Ghifar approached the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) to seek his permission to tend to the wounded during the battle of Khaybar. The Prophet ﷺ welcomed their request, giving them permission, stating, “By the blessings of God.”

With this group of women was a young girl named Umayyah bint Qays radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with her). She shares with us her own part of the story.

“Then we set out with him. I was a young girl. He made me sit on his she-camel behind the luggage. I saw the bag had got traces of blood from me. It was the first time I had a period. Then I sat forward on the camel [to hide it] and I was embarrassed. When the Messenger of God ﷺ saw what happened to me and the traces of blood, he said, “Perhaps you have had menstrual bleeding?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Attend to yourself. Then, take a container of water, then put salt in it, then wash the affected part of the bag, then come back.” I did so. When God conquered Khaybar for us, the Prophet ﷺ took this necklace that you see on my neck and gave it to me and put it on my neck with his own hand. By God it will never be parted from me.” She wore the necklace her entire life and stipulated that she should be buried with it. ((Nadwi, M. K. 2007. Al-Muhadithaat: The Women Scholars in Islam. London and Oxford: Interface Publications, pp. 59))

Let us take a few lessons from this incredible narration. From it, we can take lessons on the perspectives and proactive attitudes of these female companions of the Prophet ﷺ. From it, we can also take incredible lessons in chivalry and beautiful interactions between the Prophet ﷺ and the women in his community.

Let us begin by considering the perspective of the women who came to offer their skills to the Prophet ﷺ. They didn’t say, “What’s up with Islam? Why aren’t women obligated to fight in this battle just like men?!”

These women understood the wisdom of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) in every ruling and situation. They knew they could participate and be rewarded if they did so (like Nusayba bint Kab who personally defended the Prophet ﷺ in the Battle of Uhud), but were not mandated to do so. They realized that there was mercy in the lifted obligation and they were of those who realized the wisdom in the fact that there were differences in obligations.

Nevertheless, simply because they were not mandated to participate in the battle did not stop them from doing their part, in whatever way they felt they could be most effective. They did not sit around complaining or waiting to be asked; they simply did. Perhaps we can take from their examples as Muslim women in our own communities.

How many of us complain about the men’s side of the prayer hall being vastly greater in size or in cleanliness? How many of us feel incredible frustration when we cannot hear the prayer because small children are screaming around us or because the microphone stops working? We have tangible issues to complain about, no doubt. However, what are we doing, as women, with the means that we already have? What are we doing in our current situation?

Are we talking throughout the khutbah (Friday sermon) when we know we are supposed to remain silent and listen attentively? When two of us cannot pray, are we speaking while everyone else is praying and potentially disturbing those struggling to concentrate in their prayers? Are we watching after our own children or helping other sisters watch after theirs? Are we bringing in food for ourselves or our children and leaving crumbs and spilled drinks on the once-clean prayer carpet, despite the specific signs which request that all food remain outside? Are we dumping our shoes in front of the shoe racks instead of on the shoe racks and creating potential blockages for the elderly and hazards in the case of emergencies? (I know of a masjid who had to call 911 because a child’s life was at risk and the firefighter could not access the child immediately because he tripped over a pile of women’s shoes!)

What are we doing with what we have, considering the situations that we are in? Look at these women. They proactively took a leadership position in offering to help in a battle and service the community. How can we also learn to follow their example in our own lives?

Additionally, let’s look at their approach and perspective. They didn’t say, “If we go out and offer to help in this battle, some men may be intimidated because we’re so aggressive.” They did not tie their responsibility to Allah (swt) and their community to the possibility of attracting or not attracting men. I am constantly approached by young women who are told by their parents or those in their communities that they should stop being involved with Islamic work because “men are scared by women who are assertive and passionate about activism.” In my personal role as the Muslim Student Association President, I was told more than once that men were intimidated by me because of my position in leadership. In some of our families and some of our communities, we sometimes focus on tying our sisters’ abilities to attracting or not attracting a potential spouse, instead of developing our sisters’ incredible skills and potentials for the sake of Allah (swt) and the benefit of the community.

On the other end, the women in this example also did not say, “We’re just going to sit around and once Prince Muslim comes along, then we’ll get involved and work on becoming better Muslimahs.” This might seem far-fetched, but how many of us have heard or said statements such as, “I want to get married because then my husband will wake me up for qiyam (late night prayer) and Fajr!” However, oftentimes, those of us who say things like this are not doing those actions on our own.

Getting married isn’t going to solve our inabilities to wake up for Fajr or get up for qiyam. We need to develop our own selves without expecting marriage to somehow magically change our lives. Marriage can be a great tool of self-improvement and can help us change for the best, with Allah’s will. Marriage is amongst the greatest blessings that Allah (swt) can bestow on a person; and the creation of a family, and taking care of that family, is amongst the greatest acts of worship. But if we are not personally working on ourselves now, how can we expect that it will be easier with the additional baggage of another individual who is also imperfect?

What we see in the example of these women is that they took action and sought to benefit the community through their work for the sake of Allah (swt). These women looked at their personal situations, considered their personal skill sets and realized that they could use the skills they had, in the time that they were needed, to benefit their society in a proactive manner. They did not dwell on how they could be perceived or make continuous excuses for why someone else should do it. How, too, can we follow their example?

Let us now look at the interaction of these women with the Prophet ﷺ and his conduct toward them. First, let’s address the incredible manhood of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. As “the walking Qur’an,” the Prophet ﷺ had such an incredible demeanor that the women knew they could easily approach him and offer their services to the community. The relationship he had built with women in his community was one of trust, empowerment, dignity and appreciation. This is evident, most specifically, in the way that he (peace and blessings of God be upon him) turned one of the most embarrassing moments Umayyah, the young girl, could have ever imagined into one of the fondest moments of her life.

When the Prophet ﷺ saw her blood, he did not embarrass her and shout, “Astaghfirillah! (I seek refuge in God!) Sister! Haraam! Now you are a fitna (trial)!” His first advice to her did not consist of ordering her to leave his presence now that she was an accountable young woman. Instead, he taught her purification in that moment. He showed her ease and naturalness in that moment. He gave her a necklace, which he personally placed on her with his blessed hands, and helped her feel honored and special in that moment.

How many young women do we know who are struggling with their self-esteem? What are we doing, as a community, to help build it up instead of tear it down? How many young women have we told, “Cover up,” because they are a temptation to men? Instead of linking hijab (modesty) to loving Allah, (swt), we have often linked it to protecting men from women within the Muslim community. How many men have made comments such as, “Fitna just walked in,” without realizing the painful consequences on a female’s psyche when the only frame of reference her Muslim brother has for her is that she’s temptation?

All of these experiences have happened to me personally within the Muslim community and also to many women that I know. The methodology in which women are made to feel that they are the ultimate fitna psychologically damages women’s understanding of Islam and their self-esteem. It cripples a natural, normative relationship in which men and women work together for the benefit of society and forces men and women to fear being around one another in unnatural ways. This is not from the Prophet ﷺ.

We take from the example of the Prophet ﷺ that he let people live comfortably around him so that even when something which could have turned into the most humiliating experience a woman could have ever imagined, that girl, in that moment, gained knowledge, nearness to Allah (swt), and love of being with the Prophet ﷺ in the Hereafter. In our communities too, we need to re-evaluate the ways through which men and women interact and the rhetoric we use to describe women.

Let us look at the rhetoric of the Prophet ﷺ when he was asked by the women if they could participate. In his interaction with them, he verbally encouraged them. He didn’t say, “No. The men might be distracted by you and be tempted to leave the battlefield.” Instead, he specifically gave them the blessings of God.

We need to begin truly exemplifying the incredible character of the Prophet ﷺ who didn’t imply that Umayyah (ra) and the women she was with would cause chaos in the battlefield if they were present. He knew his community; he had developed the men and women in his community. And the women in his community followed his example; they felt comfortable and confident approaching him (peace and blessings of God be upon him).

This is the type of respectful brotherhood and sisterhood we need to embody in our Islamic work, in our marriages, and in our lives.  Their example teaches that men and women both have something to contribute and we need to be supportive of one another’s contributions when used for societal benefit. Allah (swt) tells us in Surat al-Tawbah, “The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah [charity] and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those—Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Qur’an 9:71)

The Prophet ﷺ taught us how to achieve natural, healthy, balanced and beneficial community relationships. He taught us how to teach people about Allah (swt) with mercy, humility and respect. How many more members of our communities are we going to lose before we follow his example?

The above narration is full of lessons for us as a community in the West especially. Transforming challenges into opportunities is the methodology of the Prophet ﷺ. The women in this example were empowered to take action because of the teacher who built them and taught them to do so. This is Islam; the liberating, societally-benefiting and revolutionary way of life which can transform even the most embarrassing experience into the fondest memory, cherished for life.

If this is Islam, if this is our religion, when will we put it into practice? When will we follow the example of these female companions of the Prophet ﷺ in our attitudes and our own lives? And even more urgently, is it not time that the beauty of the Prophet ﷺ began to touch those in our own communities through the virtue of our own actions?

* Portions of this article were generally transcribed from a session on Womanhood, which can be viewed here.

Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Part 1 | Part 2

Preface

At the outset I must say that it’s very hard to write just a single article on a topic that requires a lot of nuance. This is because anytime we deal with human interactions (mu’amalaat), context is essential to having a balanced understanding. Major values are universally applicable but the specifics of how they are expressed can be vastly different, taking into account different times, places, and circumstances. When it comes to living a balanced approach to gender relations as a Muslim, this is especially the case. This article is in two parts, and both are required in order to have a balanced understanding of this important subject.

Introduction

Often times within our community, we become so focused on avoiding evils and harm that we forget to strive for the ideal, the enjoining of something beautiful and valuable in our society. At the same time, the ideal can only be achieved when it accompanies a genuine consciousness and understanding of what boundaries we seek to respect. Such is the case with beautifying gender relations within our community.

The Ideal

The ideal spirit which we aspire to within our communities is one of mutual love and respect for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). Allah (swt) describes this relationship:

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah [charity] and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those—Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Qur’an 9:71)

The word that is used is awliyaa’, which is also translated as helpers, supporters, friends, and protectors. This is how Allah (swt) Himself describes how the believing men and women should regard one another. It is the spirit of who we seek to be towards the other gender. Yet, this spirit does not mean interaction between genders is a complete free for all, as the word ‘friend’ tends to imply especially in a western context. Rather, this spirit of love for the sake of Allah (swt) is *only* achieved when it is governed by the letter of the law. The basic guidelines for this interaction include:

1. Your intention of dealing with the other gender is sincere.
2. Your interaction is purposeful.
3. Your ‘awra (nakedness) is covered.
4. You lower your gaze at the appropriate times.
5. You are not totally secluded with someone of the opposite gender.
6. Your reputation is protected.
7. You do not physically touch one another.
8. You respect each-other’s personal space and comfort levels.
9. You speak in a decent manner.
10. Your circumstances are safe.

If the first guideline is truly achieved, the following nine become natural and easy to achieve.  Each of these ten guidelines is based on Islamic texts and will be discussed in the next part in more detail insha’Allah (God willing). For now, I want us to go back to the verse. The relationship of awliyaa’ to one another is described in this context: “They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger.” You love and respect in one another those qualities which Allah (swt) loves. When people are united in a mission and struggle together for it, they can’t help but respect and honor the struggle of those who strive with them towards the common goal which unites them all. If the goal is the pleasure of Allah (swt), then the one who loves pleasing Allah (swt) will love the ones who please Him. It’s why we love the male and female companions so much, why we love different male and female figures in Islamic History. This love is pure and has nothing to do with the infatuation, desire or the physical attraction that might lead people to zina (unlawful physical intimacy). This love is ukhuwwah (brotherhood and sisterhood) for the sake of Allah (swt).

Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazzali discusses the different levels of ukhuwwah as the following:

1. The lowest level: Giving the other only when you have surplus
2. The second level: Sharing what you have equally with the other
3. The highest level: Preferring the other over yourself while you are in want/need of what you give. ((The Duties of Brotherhood in Islam, Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazzali p.22 http://www.scribd.com/doc/62967268/The-Duties-of-Brotherhood-in-Islam-by-Imam-Al-Ghazali))

The highest level of ukhuwwah is ‘Ithaar, preferring others to oneself. Allah (swt) describes this beautiful quality in the Qur’an in reference to the generosity which the Ansar (Helpers) of Madinah showed to the Muhajireen (immigrants) from Mecca:

“And [also for] those who were settled in al-Madinah and [adopted] the faith before them. They love those who emigrated to them and find not any want in their breasts of what the emigrants were given but give [them] preference over themselves, even though they are in privation. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul—it is those who will be the successful.” (Qur’an 59:9)

One of the most touching cases of ‘ithaar between an unrelated believing man and woman, struck me when I had the opportunity to make ‘umrah. I approached the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) grave and as I was sending my salaam (greeting of peace) to him ﷺ and Abu Bakr radi Allahu ‘anhu (may Allah be pleased with him), I realized that where Aisha (ra) would have been, Umar (ra) lay in her stead, receiving the salaam from not only me, but everyone who visited the Prophet’s ﷺ grave for over 1400 years. This place had been reserved for Aisha (ra) but as the narration in Bukhari states, when Umar (ra) died, she gave to him her burial place next to her husband, who was the greatest man to walk on this earth, the final Messenger of Allah ﷺ, and her father, who was his greatest companion, someone whom the Prophet ﷺ had once described as having greater iman (faith) than that of all of his ummah (community) combined! Can you imagine it? Can you imagine doing what she did if you were in her shoes?

Narrated ‘Amr bin Maimun Al-Audi: I saw ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab (when he was stabbed) saying, “O ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar! Go to the mother of the believers Aisha and say, ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab sends his greetings to you,’ and request her to allow me to be buried with my companions.” (So, Ibn ‘Umar conveyed the message to ‘Aisha.) She said, “I wanted this place for myself but today I prefer him (‘Umar) to myself (and allow him to be buried there).” When ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar returned, ‘Umar asked him, “What (news) do you have?” He replied, “O chief of the believers! She has allowed you (to be buried there).” On that ‘Umar said, “Nothing was more important to me than to be buried in that (sacred) place. So, when I expire, carry me there and pay my greetings to her (‘Aisha ) and say, ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab asks permission; and if she gives permission, then bury me (there) and if she does not, then take me to the grave-yard of the Muslims.”

What is also beautiful in this account is how Umar (ra) was careful to make sure that Aisha (ra) was doing this great favor to him out of her own choice and will, and not because she assumed it was a command from the Khalifah (Caliph) that she had to obey. This is why Umar (ra) ordered his son to ask Aisha again, after he was dead to ensure that her permission was given voluntarily.

When different Mothers of the Believers passed away, there are accounts of male companions rushing to the masjid, crying in sujud (prostration)! ((“Mothers of the Believers” CD series, Imam Suhaib Webb)) There are other amazing examples of ukhuwwah between genders that were not from the Mothers of the Believers as well.  Asmaa bint Abi Bakr was called Dhat al-Nitaqayn (the one with the two waistbands) because she used two waistbands to hide and carry food to the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr (ra) when they were hiding in the cave of Thawr during the Hijrah. ((“The Sealed Nectar” by Saifur Rahman al-Mubarakpuri p.105)) The nick-name she was given had to do with her service to Islam, revealing a ‘team spirit’ in the early generation of Muslims.

Another heroic female companion, Nusayba bint Ka’b, called Um Umara was someone who defended the Prophet ﷺ on the battlefield with her son. She and her son truly fit the description of being ‘awliyaa’ to the Muslims. In the heat of the Battle of Uhud, the Prophet ﷺ saw that her shoulder was bleeding and he asked her son to bandage her wound. He then prayed that Allah (swt) would bless them, and that they would be his friends in Paradise as well. Later, the Prophet ﷺ witnessed Um Umara tending to her son’s wound and encouraging him to keep fighting. The Prophet ﷺ in his beautiful manners and character smiled when he saw the courage of both mother and son, and told her, “From where can anyone get courage like you, O Umm ‘Umarah?” ((“Great Women of Islam” by Mahmood A. Ghadanfar p.210-211)) What emotion do you think the Noble Prophet ﷺ was feeling for her in this moment?

There are countless stories, especially in the seerah (biography of the Prophet ﷺ) and in the early generations of Islam, in which we find a spirit of mutual respect and love for the sake of Allah (swt). ((See Tahrir al-Mar’ah fi Asr al-Risalah by Abu Shuqqah, Vol. 2)) The following tradition is sufficient as an example of how people were able to interact in the masjid of the Prophet ﷺ as brothers and sisters:

عن أسماء بنت أبي بكر رضي الله عنهما تقول قام رسول الله صلى الله عليه
وسلم خطيبا فذكر فتنة القبر التي يفتتن فيها المرء فلما ذكر ذلك ضج
المسلمون ضجة . رواه البخاري هكذا وزاد النسائي: حالت بيني وبين أن أفهم
كلام رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، فلما سكنت ضجتهم قلت لرجل قريب مني:
أي بارك الله فيك ماذا قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم في آخر قوله ؟
قال: “” قد أوحي إلي أنكم تفتنون في القبور قريبا من فتنة الدجال “”

Amaa’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allah be pleased with them both) said that the Prophet ﷺ stood in an address (to the Muslims) and mentioned the trial of the grave with which a person would be tested. When he mentioned it, there was an outcry among the Muslims. (Bukhari) Imam al-Nasa’i’s version of this narration adds that Asmaa’ said: “I was unable to understand the words of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ so when they quieted down, I said to a man near me, ‘Ay, May Allah bless you, what did the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say at the end?’ He said, (the Prophet’s last words were),’ It has been revealed to me that you will be tested in your graves close to the trial of al-Dajjaal.’” ((Ibid.))

Amaa’ bint Abi Bakr is able to depend on her Muslim brother, whose name she doesn’t know, to ask for clarification of the Prophet’s ﷺ words in his ﷺ masjid. The way she addresses him is with prayers for him, with a spirit of good will. Many more narrations from the time of the Prophet ﷺ will come up when the ten guidelines are discussed in more detail insha’Allah.

Throughout Islamic History, especially in the Tabaqaat literature (Islamic Biographical Dictionaries), in various contexts there are inspiring accounts of respectful ukhuwwah between genders. Here is one such touching account:

حدثنا سليمان بن أحمد ثنا محمد بن أبي رزيق بن جامع المصري ح وحدثنا
إسحاق بن أحمد بن علي ثنا إبراهيم بن يوسف ثنا أحمد بن أبي الحواري قالا
ثنا عبدالله بن سليمان أبو محمد الثبدي ثنا محمد بن يوسف الفريابي عن
سفيان الثوري قال دخلت على بنت أم حسان الأسدية وفي جبهتها مثل ركبة
العنز أثر السجود وليس به خفاء فقلت لها يا بنت أم حسان لا تأتين عبدالله
بن شهاب بن عبدالله فرفعت اليه رقعة لعله أن يعطيك من زكاة ماله ما
تغيرين به بعض الحالة التي أراها بك فدعت بمعجر لها فاعتجرت به فقالت يا
سفيان لقد كان لك في قلبي رجحان كثير أو كبير فقد ذهب الله برجحانك من
قلبي يا سفيان تأمرني أن أسأل الدنيا من لا يملكها وعزته وجلاله إني
أستحي أن أسأله الدنيا وهو يملكها قال سفيان وكان إذا جن عليها الليل
دخلت محرابا لها وأغلقت عليها ثم نادت إلهي خلا كل حبيب بحبيبه وأنا
خالية بك يا محبوب فما كان من سجن تسجن به من عصاك إلا جهنم ولا عذاب إلا
النار قال سفيان فدخلت عليها بعد ثلاث فاذا الجوع قد أثر في وجهها فقلت
لها يا بنت أم حسان إنك لن تؤتى أكثر مما أوتي موسى والخضر عليهما السلام
إذ أتيا أهل القرية استطعما أهلها فقالت يا سفيان قل الحمد لله فقلت
الحمد لله فقالت اعترفت له بالشكر قلت نعم قالت وجب عليك من معرفة الشكر
شكر وبمعرفة الشكرين شكر لا ينقضي أبدا قال سفيان فقصر والله علمي وفسد
لساني وما أقوم بشكر كلما اعترفت له بنعمة وجب علي بمعرفة النعمة شكر
وبمعرفة الشكرين شكر فوليت وأنا أريد الخروج فقالت يا سفيان كفى بالمرء
جهلا أن يعجب بعمله وكفى بالمرء علما أن يخشى الله اعلم أنه لن تنقى
القلوب من الردى حتى تكون الهموم كلها في الله هما واحدا قال سفيان فقصرت
والله إلى نفسي

Sufyan ath-Thawri (97-161/715-778)– a renowned traditionist and legal scholar relates that he once went to see the daughter of Umm Hassaan al-Asadiyya of Basra. She had a mark on her forehead like a goat’s knee, from so much prostration in prayer. He suggested that he would write to a certain man of means who might give her charity to improve her living conditions. “O Sufyan,” she replied, “Your excellence filled my heart but Allah has removed it. O Sufyan, would you bid me request worldly things from one who does not own them?” At night she went to her prayer area, closed herself in, and cried out, “O God, every person has secluded himself with his beloved, and I am alone with You. O Beloved, there is no warmth but the heat of the Hell for He who defies you, and no punishment but the Fire.” He visited her again three days later, and hunger had left its mark on her face, so he said to her, “O Daughter of Umm Hassaan, you will not be granted more than was given to Musa and Khidr, peace be upon them, when they asked the people of the village for food.” She said, “O Sufyan, say “Thank Allah.” He said, “Alhamdulilah.” Then she said, “Have you not acknowledged Him with your gratitude?” He said, “Yes.” She said, “You must be grateful for recognizing gratitude, and if you experience this double gratitude, His blessing will never cease.” Sufyan felt that his knowledge had failed him, his tongue became tied, and he turned to leave. Then she said, “O Sufyan, if a person boasts of his knowledge, this suffices to prove his ignorance. If a person fears Allah, this is enough to prove his knowledge. Know that the hearts will never be cleansed of evil until all intentions are united in one concern for Allah.” “I despaired,” Sufyan concludes, “thinking of myself.” ((Hilyat al-Awliyaa’ by Ibn Nu’aymas well as Sifat al-Safwa by ibn Al-Jawzi; Translation from Ruth Rhoded’s “Women in Islamic Biographical Collections.” p.91))

This is an example of a beneficial conversation between a believing man and woman who are not mahram (related) to one another, and their total isolation is not assumed from the account. Sufyan al-Thawri is seeking to give charity to her, and the meaningful dialogue transpires which has a humbling effect on him.

As mentioned before, ukhuwwah is the ideal, but this ideal only exists when the guidelines are practiced. If people’s minds are in the gutter, if their interactions are not sincere and they are seeking sexual attention and approval from the opposite gender, naturally this makes respectful ukhuwwah difficult if not impossible. In an over-sexualized society, the message that is constantly suggested to men and women is to objectify one another’s presence and existence. This is an unhealthy way to live, and rather than purity of heart and purpose being pervasive between genders, excessive caution bordering on paranoia becomes the lived experience. The more stories people hear of harassment and lewd behavior within the community, the harder it is to speak or even hope of practicing an ideal. Yet, the ideal is possible and those who have witnessed this blessing understand it through experience. (( A personal account of experiencing respectful ukhuwwah http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2783109558017768305)) For those who have watched the Kung Fu Panda 2, it feels a lot like this:

We each have a role to play in developing the culture of our communities and providing a comfortable space for one another to experience the blessing of respectful love for the sake of Allah (swt).  Especially in the western context, brothers and sisters work together for Islam in the MSA, in masajid (mosques), in large Muslim organizations, and in the greater society. When our hearts and minds are focused on greater causes, higher goals, and sincerity, our interactions will reflect the balanced approach of both the spirit and letter of what Allah (swt) asks of us. Let us beautify the gender relations within our community, and beautify our hearts with loving one another for His sake, in the manner which He is pleased with, and has designed for us. Part 2 will explore this manner in more detail insha’Allah.

There are a great many sisters and brothers whom I have had the privilege and honor of working with and learning from over the years. I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you, I love you all for the sake of Allah (swt).

It is narrated by ‘Umar bin al-Khattāb that the Prophet ﷺ said:

“Among Allāh’s servants there are some who are neither prophets nor martyrs but on the Day of Judgement the prophets and the martyrs will envy their grades. The Companions asked: ‘O Messenger of Allāh, tell us, who are those people?’ He replied: ‘Those are the people who love one another on Allāh’s count. They are neither related to one another nor do they have any property to exchange. I swear on Allāh that they will have faces of light, they will be on pulpits of light. They will not have any fear when others will be afraid, they will not have any grief when others will be aggrieved.’ Then he recited the verse: Beware! No doubt, there is no fear for the friends of Allāh nor shall they be sad and sorrowful.” [Qur’ān 10:62] ((Abū Dāwūd, Sunan, b. of ijārah (wages) 3:288 (#3527); Bayhaqī, Shu‘ab-ul-īmān, (6:486#8998,8999); Khatīb Tabrīzī, Mishkāt-ul-masābīh, b. of adab (good manners) ch.16 (3:75-6#5012).  [src: Ch3 of Beseeching for Help, Tahir-ul-Qadri]))

May Allah (swt) make us of His awliyaa’ just as we seek to be the awliyaa’ of one another. Ameen.

Imagine that you are given a test and told you should write an essay on topic X, and if you are unable to do so then write on topic Y. Yet, you then choose to go down a completely different path, or try nothing at all. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Yet this is parallel to what we do when the Prophet ﷺ (peace and blessings of God be upon him) gave us an answer to a problem yet we choose to ignore it.

I think young Muslims—whether in the West or not—can largely attest to the fitna (trials) they face at school/university, workplace, or elsewhere. Even if the brother/sister manages to lower their gaze, thoughts are bombarding them and it can seem like an on-going struggle of ups and downs to discipline your nafs (self) and kick out the whispers of Shaytan (Satan).

So what can we do? While marriage is not so ‘happily-ever-after’ as widely believed by many youth, it is a beautiful solution to the problem. But then there are the many youth, for whatever reasons and circumstances, who cannot get married at the moment.

So then what are we to do? Perhaps some of us don’t even bother trying, some gave up on the struggle, and maybe others turn to complaining about the fitna to each other. Although we should turn to our brothers or sisters for support or advice, there is a piece of advice the Prophet ﷺ gave us and it is exactly what we need to implement. The Prophet ﷺ did give us an answer, but perhaps we have simply overlooked it. 

“O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast, for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” (Muslim)

The solution: lowering our gaze and fasting. Yes, both remedies involve effort, a lot of effort at times, but it is truly a means to purify the soul and really taste the sweetness of iman (faith), a means of protection in this life and the next insha’Allah (if Allah wills)! I heard of a brother who endeavoured to fast every other day until he could get married (so this went on for years and years!)—subhan’Allah (glory be to Allah)!

I know many of us have heard the virtues of fasting, but reminder benefits the believer and knowledge has a different sweetness when it manifests itself through actions:

Virtues of Fasting

1. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “You should fast, for there is nothing like it.” (al-Nasaa’i)
2. A hadith qudsi (narration that reports the words of God): Allah Ta’ala (Most High) says what means: ‘Fasting is Mine and it is I who give reward for it.  [A man] gives up his sexual passion, his food and his drink for My sake. Fasting is like a shield, and he who fasts has two joys: a joy when he breaks his fast and a joy when he meets his Lord. The change in the breath of the mouth of him who fasts is better in Allah’s estimation than the smell of musk.’ (Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi, Nasa’i and Ibn Majah).
3. Imaam Ibn Rajab said: “All deeds are multiplied ten multiples up to seven hundred multiples, except for fasting as its reward does not have a designated limit. Allah will multiply its reward abundantly without count. Fasting requires great patience and Allah says about patient people that which means: “Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account [i.e. limit],” (Qur’an 39:10).
4. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “Fasting is a protection.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)
5. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “Every slave of Allah who observes fasting for one day for the sake of Allah, Allah will draw his face farther from Hell-fire to the extent of a distance to be covered in seventy years.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)

Subhan’Allah! Truly Islam is the path to success in this life and in the Hereafter, and Allah is The Most Wise (Al-Hakeem) and Most Generous (Al-Kareem).

So let’s try it out—three days a month (3 days x 10 reward = like you fasted the whole month bi’ithnillah, with Allah’s permission!), once or twice a week (Monday and Thursday are recommended as per the sunnah, prophetic tradition), or over time you may grow to love it so much that you want to increase it even more (Dawud `alayhi salaam, peace be upon him, fasted every other day masha’Allah!). But for now, one step at a time.

When we increase our love for Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) in our heart, and race to do good deeds, our iman and attachment to the Hereafter will increase. It will become easier to face our daily challenges, ad face them in such a way that will bring us goodness in this life and the next. By the Permission of Allah (swt), we will have protected ourselves in this life and have accumulated many good deeds for our eternal life.

A few final tips to protecting our hayaa’ (modesty) in the face of temptations/desires:

Be Honest with Yourself

I know a sister who, despite trying to be modest in covering and in other respects, found it difficult to maintain modesty in her speech with brothers. She usually would end up in regret after reflecting upon how she had conducted herself. She recognized that the best thing for her was to just stay clear entirely and not get involved in situations that would necessitate that interaction (MSA, etc). She made this decision according to what was right for her. And while Islamic work at schools/universities can be beneficial, know yourself and know that it might not be beneficial at the expense of your iman. The message is not to abandon Islamic work, but to reflect on situations that you feel become problematic for you. Be honest with yourself and take protective measures (internally and externally) accordingly.

Be Inspired

The stories in the Qur’an, the Prophets and pious predecessors, have a purpose. They are like soldiers to support us, role models to learn and follow. Modesty was not prescribed solely for the Mothers of the Believers (may God be pleased with them) or only for women. Recall (or research) the story of Yusuf ‘alayhi salaam (peace be upon hjm) in the face of temptation. Recall (or research) the modesty of Maryam, the examples of the Mothers of the Believers and other Sahaabiyaat (Companions) (may God be pleased with them all).

Keep Busy

Aim to keep your mind and heart busy with the remembrance of Allah (swt), and/or put in your earphones and listen to Qur’an or a lecture while on campus. Find productive ways to spend your time as idle time can be a cause for people to stray—use your time to volunteer, fundraise, learn a new skill, memorize Qur’an, read books, help around the house, connect with your siblings, etc.

Ask Allah for Help

If you’ve fallen into this fitna, and are still breathing (which I assume so!), then it’s not too late to return to Allah (swt), to feel remorse, to repent to Him (Al-Tawwaab, Al-Haleem, Al-Ghafoor) and make amends.

If you are finding it hard, then let us admit our weakness to our Rabb (Lord) and ask Allah Ta’ala for help. We can ask in our own words, and in addition here is a du`a’ found in Sahih Muslim:

Allaahumma innee as’alukal-hudaa wat-tuqaa, wal-‘afaafa wal-ghinaa

O Allah, I ask You for guidance, piety, chastity, and self-sufficiency.

And know that if we slip up, we just need to turn back and repent to Allah (swt), and keep striving for His sake; insha’Allah you will be told in the Hereafter that your effort was indeed appreciated (Qur’an 76:22).

But as for he who feared the position of his Lord and prevented the soul from [unlawful] inclination, Then indeed, Paradise will be [his] refuge. (Qur’an 79:40-41)

I pray that Allah Ta’ala protects us from fitna in which ever form it takes, and that we are amongst those who are under the Shade of Ar-Rahman (the Beneficient) on the Day on which there is no shade but His, and I pray that we are called to enter the highest levels of Jannah (Paradise) through the gates of Ar-Rayyaan (for those who fasted).

Glimpses into the World of the Unseen: I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII

Imam Muslim narrates a terrifying hadith from Al-Miqadad ibn Al-Aswad, may Allah be pleased with him, who said that he heard the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) say,

“The Sun will get closer to the creations on the Day of Resurrection until it is only a mile away. People will perspire according to the level of their deeds. Some of them will have perspiration covering his ankles, some to his knees, others to their shoulders, some will have it choke them”, and he ﷺ pointed to his mouth.

The summer time has arrived here in Bangladesh, and in all of the Northern Hemisphere. For those living in the tropical regions, summer represents such a difficult time of the year. Hot and humid, people try to keep indoors, knowing that going out will give them a headache due to the heat. More often than not, people try to rush home every time they are out to lay in the comfort of their rooms. If possible, every room is air conditioned to keep cool.

This heat is unbearable even though the average distance between the Sun and the Earth is 149 million kilometers!

Now, imagine Yawm al-Qiyamah (Day of Judgement) standing for so long, and with the Sun a mere mile away? La hawla wa la quwatta ‘illah billah (There is no power nor might except with Allah). On that Final day, there is no air conditioning, no fan, no cooling, in fact quite the opposite. Bukhari and Muslim both narrate a hadith from ‘Aishah, may Allah be pleased with her, where she mentions the Prophet ﷺ saying,

”You will be gathered bare-footed, naked, and uncircumcised.”

I don’t know how people actually feel about this, but my heart has lost it already. I simply cannot even imagine how I will go through this ordeal. While it might seem unbelievable on face value, we must remember that Allah says the Day of Judgement is Al-Wa’qiah, The Definite Day, and also Al-A’zifah – The Day that is definitely coming. When I think about these names, I understand better why it is also aptly named Yawm Al-Hasrah, The Day of Distress.

(Read more on the names of the Day of Judgement)[1]

However, our relationship with Allah is of love, fear and hope. While we are terrified of this Day, we are hopeful of the vast Mercy of Allah, and we should believe that Allah will indeed find a way out for us insha’Allah (if Allah wills). This day is also called Yawm al-Fasl, The Day of Division. The wicked are divided from the good, and the believer is divided from the disbeliever. Insha’Allah there is a way out for the believers. And All Praise is due to Allah that the solution to every problem is also with Him.

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

“Allah will give shade to seven [people] on the Day when there will be no shade but His.” (Bukhari and Muslim, narrated by Abu Hurayrah)

AllahuAkbar (Allah is greatest). Indeed, Allah is Most Merciful. Not only is He Merciful by showering us in His Mercy all day and night, He is also Merciful to show us the ways and processes by which we are saved from His wrath on the Day of Judgement. This hadith goes onto mention who will be among those who are given shade,

“[1] A just ruler; [2] a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah, the Mighty and Majestic; [3] a man whose heart is attached to the mosques; [4] two men who love each other for Allah’s sake, meeting for that and parting upon that; [5] a man who is called by a woman of beauty and position [for illegal intercourse], but be says: ‘I fear Allah’, [6] a man who gives in charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his right hand gives in charity; [7] and a man who remembered Allaah in private and so his eyes shed tears.”

1. A just ruler

The concept of Justice is a fundamental tenant in Islam and it is something that every Muslim – Ruler and the ruled – must apply in all matters without exception.

Justice means to give each the right he or she deserves, Muslim or non-Muslim, relative or stranger, friend or enemy. Allah says: “…And do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. Be just; that is nearer to righteousness”.   (Qur’an, 5:8)

Unfortunately, even if we accept this in theory, we often forget it in practice. So we find that when we speak about our friends and loved ones, we praise them beyond reason and when we speak about those whom we hold difference with, we can find no good in them and we just capitalize on their bad points. This is far removed from the justice which Allah gives great reward for, as mentioned in the following hadith: “The doers of justice will be on thrones of light at Allah’s Right Hand – and both of Allah’s Hands are Right Hands” (Sahih Muslim). These deserving believers were just in their Ruling, with their families and in all that over which they were given authority. Whenever we are given authority over another group of people, whether politically or otherwise, if we are just, then we can hopefully be given shade in the Throne of Allah.

2. A youth who grew up in the worship of Allah

Another interesting hadith of Rasulullah ﷺ comes to mind,

“Take advantage of five matters before five other matters: your YOUTH before you become old; and your health, before you fall sick; and your richness, before you become poor; and your free time before you become busy; and your life, before your death.” (Narrated by Imam Ahmad])

Shaykh Yaser Birjas said in a khutbah: “Youthfulness is a time when a person is the most energetic, when he lays out the foundations for his future, and when he plans his life. So the Prophet ﷺ said to take advantage of this time before the time comes when you do not have that enthusiasm, when you do not have that zeal, or that outlook. The enthusiasm and energy that you have been blessed with will never again be given to you after this age. Therefore, the Prophet ﷺ said to seize the moment and take advantage of it. A person should exercise this energy for the sake of Allah by procuring knowledge of Allah, obtaining halal sustenance, and worshipping Allah through acts that he might not be able to do later on in life.”

Moreover, this young age is a time when desires are more, and the will for action, whether good or bad, is stronger. The mind is rebellious and the temptations of the Shaytan at maximum. The one who does his part in restraining himself/herself and obeys Allah surely deserves the shade under the throne of Allah.

3. A man whose heart is attached to the mosques

Numerous hadith of the Prophet ﷺ mention the various benefits of going to the masaajid of Allah. Praying in the mosque has 27 times more reward than praying in homes [Bukhari and Muslim]. Also the Prophet ﷺ said,

“He does not take a step [towards the mosque] except that because of it, he is raised by one rank and one sin is removed from him. Then when he prays, the Angels do not cease supplicating for him [for] as long as he remains at his place of Prayer [saying]: ‘O Allah send blessings upon him, O Allah have mercy upon him’…” (Bukhari)

It must be emphasized here that all the ahadith encouraging an attachment to the mosques are not intended to imply that Islam is a deen confined to the places of worship, as many people imagine. Nonetheless, the mosque should be at the heart of the Muslim community, and the role of those in authority of the mosques is vital here. They are the ones mainly responsible for making the mosque a welcome refuge for the Muslims, rather than an arena for politics and power struggles.

4. Two men who love each other for Allah’s sake, meeting for that and parting upon that.

Having mutual love for the sake of Allah is one of the great doors leading to the good of the Hereafter and a way of tasting the sweetness of iman in this world. Loving one another for Allah’s sake means that the Muslim does not love another except for the correctness of his deen. So it does not matter what the person looks like, what he wears, how rich or poor he is, where he comes from, or what the color of his skin is – perhaps you dislike everything about him, but you love him for his iman: this is loving another for Allah’s sake.

“Allah, the Mighty and Magnificent says: ‘Those who have mutual love for the sake of My Glory will have pillars of light and will be envied by the Prophets and martyrs.” (at-Tirmidhi and Imam Ahmad)

5. A man who is tempted by a woman of beauty and position but he says, “I fear Allah”

The same reward is given for a woman tempted by a man and she says “I fear Allah”.

This world is full of temptations which, if indulged, lead to burning in the Fire.  Amongst these temptations is that which comes from men and women who exploit their sexuality. Many a man has led his soul into destruction on account of the lure of a woman which is why the Prophet ﷺ warned his Ummah specifically about this.

To protect ourselves from temptations is to have fear (khawf) of Allah. This fact is alluded to in the following Qur’anic ayah:

“And as for him who feared standing before his Lord and restrained himself from impure evil desires, verily Paradise will be his abode.”  (79:40-41).

6. A man who gives in charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his right hand gives in charity

This part shows two qualities that should be the hallmark of every Muslim. Firstly, charity. We should be so generous in giving charity that we forget the amount of charity we have given. Have you ever wondered why the ones who give charity never become poor? A great example for us lies in Shaykh Suleiman ar-Rajhi, founder of the Ar-Rajhi bank in Saudi Arabia, who gives away millions in charity and still makes a profit.

Another point is that when we give charity it should be in secret. The early generations of the Muslims used to give charity so secretly that even their wives didn’t know. Riyaa, showing off in worship, is the hidden shirk. It destroys all blessings of a good deed, and makes it null and void, as it is done to show off to the people and not for the sake of Allah. Although sharing our charitable deeds is good motivation for others, we should be very careful of our intentions insha’Allah.

7. A man who remembered Allah in private and shed tears

Another amazing reminder from the Qur’an comes to mind when I hear this part,

”Has not the time come for those who believe that their hearts tremble at the remembrance of Allah, and that which has been revealed of the truth?” (57:16)

Oh my brothers and sisters, when was the last time we cried for the sake of Allah? When was the last time that we turned our faces to Allah in secret, and our eyes overflowed with tears remembering every sin that we committed day and night? Did we ever cry thinking of the immense Mercy of Allah, all the blessings He has bestowed upon us?

This hadith mentions crying in secret, as it is common place to cry publicly when the Imam makes du`a. The fear of showing-off remains here, and hence the one who cries in secret will be given shade under the Throne of Allah, because he/she is absolutely depending on Allah.

If you contemplate about the seven groups of people whom Allah will shade with His Throne, you will find that they deserved that shade because of their opposition to their inner desires. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala  (exalted is He) is the only One to be petitioned to grant us protection from our harmful desires, and that He makes our desires in accordance with what He loves and is acceptable to Him. He has power over all things, and He is most worthy of answering our petition.

May Allah indeed enable us to be among those whom He shades under His Throne on a day when there is no shade but His shade.