Abu Bakr bin `Ubaidullah bin Anas bin Malik narrated [from Anas] that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever raises two girls then I and he will enter Paradise like these two.” And he indicated with his two fingers. [Bukhari]

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was exemplary in every role he held in society. This held true in his role as a father to his daughter Fatima radi Allahu `anhaa (may God be pleased with her), the wife of Ali ibn Abu Talib (ra). You need not look too far into the sunnah (way of the Prophet ﷺ) to find examples of the remarkable connection between the two. From the beginning of revelation to the days of the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ passing, there is evidence of a love only found between a father and his daughter. The Prophet ﷺ said, as recorded in Muslim, “Fatima is part of me. Whatever upsets her upsets me, and whatever harms her harms me.”

The relationship between Muhammad ﷺ and Fatimah (ra) makes sense in light of what present day research tells us about this familial connection. Modern day psychology highlights the remarkable impact a daughter’s relationship with her father has on many aspects of her life, from her relationships with others, her career choice and even how she handles stress (B. Auer et al, Journal of Family Psychology, 2012). Unfortunately, sometimes in the Muslim community, rather than foster this love and empower daughters as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ had, we see cases where daughters are facing injustice in their own homes and the sunnah is being abandoned. This article provides advice to fathers on how to empower their daughters through understanding of Islamic principles and modern day psychology.

Dear fathers,

1. If you have younger daughters, perhaps ages five to eight, take them with you to the mosque. Remember that the mosque is a place of worship and is just as much a place for women as it is for men. Establish your daughter’s relationship with the house of God early on. Take her with you and encourage her to perform salat (prayer), even though at this age, it is not required. Just imagine the message this act sends to other fathers. Even though it may be inconvenient at times, an effort to create fond memories is a great step in deeply bonding with your daughter. I speak from experience when I say that it will be something she never forgets. When your daughter grows up, perhaps she will be more willing to get involved in the mosque activities and it may be that you receive reward for that. Remember that the beloved Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Whoever guides someone to virtue will be rewarded equivalent to him who practices that good action.” [Sahih Muslim].

2. Adolescence is an uncomfortable experience for everyone. Particularly as a young girl, the frightening and sudden physiological changes are accompanied with societal pressures to “look like this” and “walk like that”. As a young teenage girl, dealing with all this pressure can be overwhelming. So when your daughter gets to her teenage years, be aware of the struggles she will certainly face and do not ever dismiss her as ‘emotional’. As a father, your psychological support is extraordinarily important. Be patient with her and let her know you are there for her. If your relationship does not allow for you to speak about feminine issues comfortably, then remember that your wife (or other important women in your daughter’s life) are your allies. Express your concerns to those women and ask them to be there for your daughter. This way, you are aware of the issues she is facing and if or when the time comes, you will be prepared to advise her, or even just listen.

3. Tell her that she is beautiful at every age. According to the Journal of Pediatric Psychology (K. Boutelle et al, 2002), “35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives and overweight girls are more likely than normal weight girls to engage in such extreme dieting.” This statistic might shock you but as a woman and a mentor to many ladies, it does not shock me. In present-day society, all forms of media, be it Instagram, magazines or music videos, can have potentially devastating psychological effects. We cannot escape these subliminal messages that try to define beauty. Young girls and women are especially targeted by these messages. Although we cannot eliminate these influences, you as a father can act as a ‘stress buffer’ or someone who alleviates the negative psychological effects of such influences. So let her hear from the most important man in her life that she is beautiful. But remember to also stress the importance of inner beauty. We remind ourselves of the following hadith (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ): the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Allah does not look at your figures, nor at your attire but He looks at your hearts [and deeds].” [Muslim]

4. Encourage your daughter to be active in the community. Be supportive of her activism. The women around the Prophet ﷺ were beacons of empowerment to other women in their communities. Encourage your daughter to be a part of this legacy, whether she is teaching other youth or volunteering at a local event. I urge all fathers to understand the incredible benefits of community involvement for Muslim women, and everyone else. It encourages empathy, God-consciousness, independence, time management skills, and so much more. I have watched so many women discover their passions and identity through this work and I have seen these same women break down when their fathers discouraged – or worse – insulted their community involvement.

5. Be the best example of a man you can be. Why? Well, besides the obvious “you’ll be accountable for your actions,” your daughter will almost certainly use you as her standard when deciding on her future husband. As her father, you are the first man to whom she develops an attachment, whether the conditions of that attachment are healthy or not. Her expectations of a man will be affected by the way you treat her, her mother, and others, the way you deal with emotions, your work ethic and so on. This reminds me of the following excerpt of a hadith: the Messenger of Allah, ﷺ, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them…” [Bukhari and Muslim].

I pray that fathers find this article helpful and that it provides insight and an opportunity to reflect deeply. No matter what age your daughter is, it is never too late to beautify and enhance your relationship with her. May Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) bless you with daughters who are the coolness of your eyes and carriers of inspiring legacy!

By Inayah Zaheen

A few months ago we were invited to someone’s house for dinner, where I was asked a question by one of the guests:

“Why don’t you make your mother wear the hijab?”

I love wearing the headscarf—to externally be dressed in a way that enables me to maximize on worship (stop, drop, sujood—prostration—almost anywhere!), but also to be able to walk down the street and very visibly be noted to be a Muslim woman. I chose to wear it not only to follow the wisdom and instruction of my Creator, but also because I believe it represents something else: that I am not defined nor measured by social standards of beauty. I will not lie and pretend it was not difficult, but I love to reflect on the story of Ibrahim, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and how he was willing to sacrifice his own son in his love for, and faith in Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). While I can by no means equate covering my hair in public to a sacrifice so great, for me this difficulty was made easier when reminding myself that although I love my hair (not that I’m now bald), my love for Allah has always been, and should always be, far greater. AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God).

I am 22 years old, and I started to wear the headscarf when I was 19, after many months and years of contemplation, consideration and prayer. It is not wholly unusual in my extended family to choose to wear a headscarf, but it is also not the norm. When faced with this question however, my answer was prompt: My mother is a million times a better Muslim than I am masha’Allah (what God wills). When I reach her level, maybe I’ll find myself in a position to give her advice.

My mother, masha’Allah, wears hijab in every single aspect of the concept and word—without physically wearing a headscarf. As well as the fact that my mother lives and breathes Islam, that she has the most beautiful sabr (patience) that I have ever seen, that after her first child died, she grew in iman (faith) in Allah’s plan and in love for Allah (swt), she is also humble, modest, loving and of course – Jannah (heaven) is beneath her feet! She works as a mother with all her passion, and as a doctor with all her dedication. Her determination, strength and beauty are wonderful, and I love her dearly. She is not the only one I know like this—there are many friends of mine who are so humble, modest, kind, wise and genuinely representative of Islam in their every action and word without physically wearing the headscarf, that I find great role models in them, and aspire to have that degree of wonderful character and piety. I am by no means undermining the headscarf and outer hijab, but at the same time I ask you all: please do not undermine the equal importance of inner hijab.

It only takes a few seconds to scroll on Instagram and see the array of hateful and judgmental comments against sisters—headscarf-wearing and non-headscarf-wearing. Sometimes it truly makes me want to cry. At which point did we decide we could demean and belittle others, based on our perceptions of their practise of Islam? Headscarf, no headscarf, half-headscarf, or even bikini—nothing legitimises being rude and disrespectful to any human being, let alone a Muslim sister. Of course, giving advice is important, but when we are so obsessed with Islam’s teaching on dress, why do we not extend this to observing Islam’s teachings on etiquettes in giving advice? On top of this, while Allah (swt) is the best judge of intentions, ask yourselves this: is my intention by writing this comment to make a point, boost my ego, or truly inspire hearts and minds with the words of Allah (swt) and the Prophet ﷺ (peace be unto him)?

Instead, let us always learn from one another. Such an approach can only seek to increase our humility. Instead of: what can I point out about this sister that is bad/worse than me, let us ask: what is this sister doing that is better than what I do? How is she practising Islam in a way I can learn to practise Islam? Perhaps she gives more charity than I do, perhaps she listens with more sincerity to others, perhaps she never backbites. Masha’Allah. When I look at my mother, there is an infinite list of things I can learn from her, and I love that about her.

Ultimately, Allah (swt) is the judge of everyone, and He is the most JUST of judges, subhan’Allah (glory to God). Let us increase in love for one another, seek out the good in one another, and always remember that Allah (swt) knows us all infinity times better than we know ourselves, AlhamdulilLah.

To those who have been faced with similar questions, perhaps your answer will be different to mine—and that is fine! But to those who have ever felt demeaned because of comments about hijab, know that no one can claim to speak on behalf of Allah (swt), and He knows best what is in the heart. To those of you who genuinely give advice, keep it up. I am sure you already do, but also take some time to listen to, learn from, and appreciate the struggles of the sister you are speaking to.

So why don’t I ask my mother to wear the hijab? Because she already does. If Allah (swt) wills it for her, the beaming example of her inner hijab may one day manifest into an outer headscarf, but for the moment, she is my mother, and Jannah is beneath her feet <3 AlhamdulilLah.

I end with one of my favourite hadiths (narrations):

“Taqwa is not in the length of your beard, or in the layers of cloth you wear. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Taqwa is here,’ and he pointed to his chest.” (Reported by Muslim)

And one of my favourite ayahs (verses):

“Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has gone astray from His way, and He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.” (Qur’an, 68:7)

SubhanAllah

I can’t help but reflect on how we’d all wish to have the perfect family: every member of the family being God-conscious, parents fulfilling the rights of their children and vice-versa, harmony between siblings, a marriage with very few conflicts and loads of happy moments, and delightfully obedient children. Indeed, I doubt that such a family exists on this planet, yet it cannot be denied that there are some families whose happiness radiates wherever they may be; they have strong connections of love and affection. May Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) preserve such families. The truth is, however, that most of us have conflict and strife within our families; with our parents, siblings, cousins, spouses, children, in-laws, etc. Some of this conflict is minor, while some of it has left stains of trauma and wreaked havoc in the lives of so many. Where I find stability and contentment, however, is in the realization of three important things:

1. Every family has their issues.
2. Pure happiness and contentment with one another is reserved for Paradise, and not the life of this world.
3. Even within our own Islamic tradition, we find countless examples of great people who dealt with tons of stuff.

Consider the following examples:

Parent Issues

• Ibrahim (Abraham) (`alayhi assalam – peace be upon him), the great man that he was, was threatened by his own father when he preached to him the message of Islam. Not only did his community deny him, but his own father did too. Imagine the pain.

Sibling/Child Issues

• Qabil (Cain) grew jealous of his brother Habil (Abel) and eventually slew him. These were the first sons of our common ancestor, Adam (as). Imagine the turmoil of murder within a family, and the loss of a child for Adam and Hawa (Eve).
• The brothers of Yusuf (Joseph) (as) conspired to get rid of him completely. For years, his father Ya’qoob (Jacob) grieved the loss of his son, and upon his eventual return, Yusuf’s brothers were filled with regret for what they had done. Imagine a grief that causes you blindness, as it did to Ya’qoob (as). Not only that, but Yusuf (as) was from a line of prophets (Yusuf son of Ya’qoob son of Ishaaq son of Ibrahim (as)) and was still not immune to such a trial.
• Musa (Moses) (as) was furious at his brother Haroon (Aaron) (as) when he returned to find the Children of Israel worshiping a calf. He even dragged him by his head as mentioned in Surat Al-A`raf!
• In Surat Al Kahf, we learn from the story of Musa (as) with Al-Khidr, who was divinely inspired to take the life of a child because that child may have been a fitnah (trial) to the righteous parents. Clearly, their righteousness didn’t lead them to a simple perfect family life; they suffered the hardest trial they could experience as parents and as a couple— the loss of their child.

Spousal Issues

• Both Ibrahim (as) and his wife Sara, along with Zakariyya (as) and his wife had trouble conceiving a child. As well, Aasiya the wife of the greatest tyrant Fir’awn (Pharaoh) brought Musa (as) into her home after not being able to have her own child.
• Maryam (Mary) (as) brought Isa (Jesus) (as) into this world alone and with no communal and spousal support. Imagine how we treat such mothers today.
• Both Lut (Lot) (as) and Nuh (Noah) (as) were betrayed and left unsupported by their wives. They were prophets and still, they had issues in their marriages.
• Aasiya was severely abused and persecuted by her own husband for merely proclaiming her belief in God (as).

Our Greatest Example

• The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) lost his beloved uncle Abu Taalib before he accepted Islam.
• He lost many of his children as infants, children and adults.
• He lost his dearly beloved wife, Khadijah, and mourned her death deeply.

These are just a tiny fraction of the examples of family stuff that we can draw from our own Islamic tradition. Indeed, what is even more incredible is that those mentioned above were far more pious and sincere to Allah (swt) than we could ever be, despite their hardships.

Notice that their piety did not mean a life of ease and perfection – no! Instead they were tried with things that today, might bring you and me to our knees. Because Allah (swt) tells us that He does not burden a soul with more than they can bear. By testing them with such trials, the Almighty knew that they were capable of coming out purified and forgiven for their sins, inshaAllah (God-Willing).

Now, what about you and me?

I say, family issues are inevitable. Don’t look to the lives of others to escape your own problems – realize that Allah (swt) has placed you in the circumstance you are in because He (swt), in His supreme knowledge, knows you can handle it.

For me, I’ve come to see family strife as bound to occur. Although not easy in the least, my main concern has been managing it as gracefully as I can when it does happen. Our spiritual growth and purification is tied to the moments we want to talk back but don’t, or have been betrayed by a family member and don’t seek revenge. It’s certainly not easy, especially when we have depictions of the perfect family life crossing our sights at every moment. From television, advertisements, social media and other forms of media, we are inundated with false realities of perfect, happy families.

The truth is, we all deal with stuff. The greatest individuals who came before us did

and we certainly are not immune. The key then is, how do you deal with your stuff? With grace, or harshness? With acceptance or bitterness? With resolve or chaos? Consider the following verse:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” and they will not be tried?” (Qur’an, 29:2)

The choice is ours – let’s figure this stuff out.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Author’s Note: Please share your experiences/thoughts below, and any further examples we can derive inspiration from.

(c) Rehan Shaikh

Originally posted in September 2012.

At the risk of aging myself, in the 90’s, the term “unplugged” referred to a show where artists musically entertained a small audience without the aid of electric instruments.  These days however, when families are encouraged to go “unplugged” they are persuaded to spend time together free of “electronic distractions” or as my older brother, an electrical engineer, says, “e-distractions,” for short.  Such distractions include the myriad of miniature instant gratification devices otherwise known as Nintendo DS’s, iPods, tablets, phones, not to mention larger distractions, like television, gaming consoles such as Wii, Xbox, etc., and the classic home computer.  We all know the merits of quality family time on a real-time basis, but the question is: how?

First, it is important to understand the ramifications of the entire family’s increased relationship with electronics.  Studies show that family bonds are weakening since members are spending more screen time and less face time.  Children and adults alike are losing the ability to engage in small talk and are gaining an increased apathy towards others.  An increased desire for visual stimulation and a decreased attention span are also compelling reasons to push for familial electronic time-outs.  Feelings of detachment of family members from one another leads to an increased reliance on comfort in superficial “e-relationships” and fleeting moments of gratification from Facebook posts, game console victories, and endless text conversations.

To console those who enjoy the above-mentioned activities, this article is not intended to condemn them.  Instead, it is meant to point out the importance of giving our technological toys a “time-out” and to tune-in to the family on a consistent basis.  The beauty of this concept is that every family, regardless of its size, can custom make a “reconnect plan” of their own.

For example, consider setting guidelines for the family, which include times where technology use is not allowed.  Such times can include family meals, a specific hour in the evening, or better yet, an entire day of the week.  For some of you, the mere thought of spending more than a few minutes away from your tablet or phone causes increased anxiety.  Sadly enough, this is now documented as a new disorder called “cell phone separation anxiety disorder,” where sufferers experience increased anxiety if they are away from their phones.  Yes, separation from instant gratification devices can be painful, but like lower primates, we can be trained to return to our natural e-distraction free state.  We have to re-learn basic skills like getting over boredom, engaging with others in a meaningful conversation, touching dirt and looking for bugs, and even having to talk to our parents’ out-of-town guests or long lost relatives.

Now, you may ask, how can we accomplish such a feat when toddlers, teens, and adults have become inseparable from their various screens?  First, give before you take away.  A classic concept in discipline is to replace an undesirable habit with a desirable one.  Simply said, provide fun alternatives for your family.  I have heard parents complain that their children only want to play on their electronic devices all day long.  Yet these same parents do not spend the time to take their children to the park, play a board game with them, let alone purchase such games, or even make the effort to engage their family members in an interesting discussion.

Below are some easy, family re-connect ideas.  But be forewarned, you will receive resistance from at least some of your family members.  Even the adults!  One key to the success of Operation Unplug and Re-Connect is to first discuss with your family guidelines to be followed.  Come up with a Re-connect plan that outlines how often you wish to have family time, e-distraction free.  For example, smaller or younger families may wish to have such times once a day.  Busier families, on the other hand may be content with a once-a-week schedule.  Next, have your family discuss activities that at least most members can agree upon.

Re-Connect Ideas

• Plan a family camping trip (a Mulla absolute favorite!).
• Go for a picnic at the beach or park and pack everyone’s favorite treat.
• Go outdoors and discover your surroundings. See who can find the most living things in 5 minutes.
• Engage your family in a discussion (if you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?).
• Go for a walk (some family members need more of a temptation like walking to an ice-cream or coffee shop).
• Play a board game.
• Look at family photos and reminisce.
• Divide and conquer if necessary: Play ball with some and play building blocks with others.

The bottom line is adding meaningful family quality time to our life, minus the electronic devices.  We would see healthier home lives and more well-rounded members of the community.  Changing familial habits is not easy, but well-worth it.  Unplug, re-connect, be patient, and enjoy.

Photo: Morgan Stewart

There come those rare moments when, out of nowhere, and when we least expect it, something truly magical happens. Perhaps some of us are too wrapped up in the demands of our daily lives to actually notice those moments. But one way or another, whether we want to admit it or not, we all catch glimpses of dreams coming true, whether they are fairytale wedding nights or surprise birthday parties, a baby’s first step or a child’s heartwarming smile. They can even be as simple as a hug from the right person at the right time, or as grandiose as a moment of success under the spotlight. They can be moments of genuine appreciation from our loved ones, a kiss that melts souls and weakens knees, first days of school, rose-colored graduations, or a thought or an idea that boosts our minds and hearts with hope and energy, or the experience of true submission under the sparkling light of faith.

I was one of the lucky few to see and feel a truly magical moment. Here I am placing it lovingly in my cherished box of beautiful memories; the magical moment when my son became a part of our family and we were able to enjoy him for one whole hour.

When it happened, my daughter and I froze in place, mesmerized by the beauty of this unity. For 60 blessed minutes, each second was worth a lifetime of happiness. My son, who had been living with us for eleven years, blended with us that night. For the first time in a very long time we were finally a family.

I was able to answer his smart questions. I was able to cuddle with him and his sister on our couch and watch a movie. It was a new movie he had never seen before and yet he did not act up. He did not bang his head against the wall and he did not punch me in the face when I looked at him. He did not slap his sister or try to break the TV. He did none of that. He laughed and joked and told us how much he loves us. He walked to his room all by himself and fetched his blue blanket. All by himself he came back with messy hair and a big adorable grin that shined bright like a full moon on our lives. We were there to see it and feel it. We were there to enjoy that blessing that night. Although it might sound so simple and so normal, to me, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life: My eleven-year-old son was behaving like an eleven year old for the very first time.

There were no extra doses of medication or midnight calls to doctors. There were no fears of seizures, panic attacks or excessive drooling from excitement. I did not have to wonder how I would be able to manage tomorrow and how I was able to survive yesterday. I did not have to apologize to people around me and explain his condition to his sister over and over again. I did not have to hold back my tears. I did not have to shield everyone with my body from his sudden blows. Only then did I realize that something ‘not happening’ was the greatest, most amazing blessing of all.

The pleasant, normal side of my son was given to me as a gift that night. For one whole hour he sat and talked to us like a young man and then fell asleep on my lap like an innocent little baby. Just like that. As I saw the look on his sister’s face, absorbed her smile and her serene feeling of long lost security, I watched her fall asleep peacefully without fearing that her own brother was in the same room. My heart sang a beautiful lullaby that night that I had never heard before. I sat alone with both my children asleep in my arms, wishing I could hit the pause button and make this rare, magical moment last forever. The whole world smiled back at me as I basked in my newfound happiness.

For a brief moment, I was able to experience an occurrence of normal daily life. I did not think, not even in my wildest dreams, that something so simple could feel so glorious and fulfilling. Even when I knew deep down that come morning I would have to return my ordinary special gift, it was worth every magical second.

If only we could stop running just for a little bit. If only we could stop and appreciate those rare, ordinary moments that make our lives so extraordinary. If only we could stop chasing the unknown and take the time to absorb the beauty we hardly notice anymore: the sparkles in loving eyes, the moments of true understanding, the masterpieces made from cereal boxes and play dough, and the life-changing art drawn by little messy hands. If only we could allow those rare, cherished moments to invade our busy, empty lives for a little while, perhaps that is when our dreams will shine brightly in the night and we will finally realize that happiness is lined with appreciating the simple things in life that are ever so great.

Thank you, Allah Almighty, for allowing me to see what ordinary means. It is truly and magnificently extraordinary.

Photo: Ania Mendrek

Each year I let my family know I will not be celebrating Christmas with them. Last year my mother gave us gifts that said they were from Santa Claus. At the time, I was pregnant and it became even more important to me that we distance ourselves from non-Islamic religious holidays. I know growing up how great the time was each year, and I hate making my parents feel so bad. I am not quite sure how to explain it to them anymore. I am stuck between my mother with major anxiety and my husband who doesn’t quite understand why it is so difficult for them. Yet another year is coming, and I now have a little girl, and I have to explain to my mother why I cannot see her at this time of year. I just saw them last month, and my mother already told me she has purchased “Christmas” gifts.   What should I do or say to them that will make it easier?

Answer:

You are having a difficult time reconciling the importance of Christmas for your parents while desiring to raise your daughter adhering to Islamic traditions. It sounds like your husband does not understand the tension you are feeling when disappointing your parents year after year. You and your husband may not have discussed in detail how you would celebrate holidays given that your parents come from a different tradition, before getting married. Since your experience is completely foreign to your husband, he may not understand the significance of the holiday for your parents and the traditions they created with you as a child. It can be very difficult for parents whose children convert to Islam to understand that “family traditions” will no longer be celebrated because of their child’s new beliefs.

You and your husband will need to discuss how you wish to approach holidays with your parents and share this information together with your parents. Every family chooses to manage the holidays differently and these opinions may change as their children grow older. Depending on what you are comfortable with, you may choose to distance yourself from your family all together during the holidays or you may choose to join your parents in their tradition. You and your husband will have to decide together what is the best approach for your family. If you have shared with your parents that you do not celebrate Christmas and they insist on giving you and your children gifts, then you and your husband need to reconcile the idea of accepting gifts from family. Is it a challenge to your faith or an expression of love and generosity from your parents? Emulate the love you have for your parents by understanding where they are coming from and communicating with them your thoughts and views. As your children grow and new traditions develop, your parents may learn to adapt their traditions to what is more comfortable to you and your husband and even join you in your religious traditions as well.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Photo: midnightrook

By Anonymous

Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t.

The months, weeks and days pass with me wishing it’ll be the last, and yet there’s no end.

At nighttime I cry faintly into my pillow with tears streaming down my cheeks. I whimper in pain, attempting to suppress the sounds that leave my room; I don’t want my family to hear.

I whisper, “Oh Allah, I don’t want to live anymore. Oh Allah, please, I don’t want to live anymore.”

I feel broken. I feel alone. I feel empty inside. I am in pain and numb at the same time. Perhaps my pain is so much now that I can no longer distinguish it. It is a physical pain—a weight on my chest crushing my existence, crushing my hopes and dreams.

I pray five times a day, I make du`a’ (supplications), I say astaghfirullah (I ask forgiveness from Allah) throughout the day and read as much Qur’an as I can. But it’s hard. I have no motivation to keep going. I don’t know what I’m moving towards. My goals and hopes have all slowly faded away.

I am a façade of who I once was. I constantly lie about how I feel. I must keep up appearances. I smile and laugh when I must. I have to maintain relationships, or else the loneliness will only get worse. I would rather be in this dungeon that I’m in, alone; but my mind knows that the loneliness will only make it worse. I don’t want to unload the hurt I feel onto others. So, I fake a smile and try to converse with family and friends. It is tiring, but I do it. It is a part of living and for now I must live.

I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want others to pity me.

I don’t pity myself. I am not ungrateful. I am thankful. I am thankful for all the blessings Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has bestowed upon me. I do not complain to others. I try to complain only to Allah (swt). Yaqub `alayhi assalam (peace be upon him) endured the pain of being separated from his beloved Yusuf (as) for many years. Maryam (as) lay beneath a palm tree while in the throes of labor, wishing Allah (swt) had taken her life and spared her from those moments of despair. Musa (as), a fugitive from the land of Pharaoh, found himself without family, wealth, or possessions—he had nothing. Poor and desperate, all he was able to cry was “My Lord, I am in need of any good that you send me.”

So I complain to Allah (swt) of the pain and sadness I cannot explain. I keep asking, most times not knowing what to say. Just hoping and praying and wishing for salvation from this suffering.

I don’t know how to explain depression. How do I explain it to family and friends? I heard someone once describe depression as an ever-lingering constant sadness, even when everything in your life is going well.

It is a total loss of pleasure.

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore.

I’m so tired, yet no amount of sleep nourishes me. Eating has become work. Brushing my teeth, answering phone calls, replying to emails; simply existing has become tiresome. I know my pain is not physical to others, but my pain is real. I feel it in every moment. When I sleep, when I eat, when I laugh, when I cry, when I speak. My pain is hidden beneath it all.

No one wishes to be around someone filled with such overwhelming sadness and gloom. No one wants to hear how my mind aches every day, that I have given up my hopes and dreams or that I wish Allah (swt) would take my life quickly and subtly. My heart hurts every day. I wish I could take a hold of the heart within me, and sever it from my being. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel dead inside.

I think of death all the time. It plays in the background now. I have never understood suicide. But now I do. I wonder about taking my life. Maybe overdose on my medications. But there’s never enough to overdose on. Psychiatrists know suicide is always an option for the depressed, so they are careful when they medicate. When I am driving, I imagine what would happen if I made a slight abrupt turn into a tree. But maybe I wouldn’t die. Maybe I would find myself paralyzed and that would be a worse existence, for then I’d still be alive, but now a physical burden to my family. But the truth is, I am still too scared of Allah (swt) and the Hellfire to ever commit such a sin. I know suicide is not an option. Faith has limited me to only entertaining such an end, but never to commit to it.

I would never wish what I feel upon another human being. I have no energy or zest for life, and no one cares. The two or three people that know cannot empathize. They only offer support when I reach out to them, but I don’t want to be a burden. Can’t they reach out to me? Can’t they ask how I’m doing? Can’t they tell when I say, “Alhamdulillah (all praise be to Allah), I’m okay,” that I’m not okay? Can’t they put themselves in my shoes? I so desperately want someone to save me, yet I know only I can save myself. I can use the help of medication, of faith, of family, of friends, but only I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope to reach it one day.

But I could use some help.

People say: “Don’t worry, trust Allah.” “This is just a phase. You’ll get over this.” “Be thankful for your life. You’re not dying.”

But I feel like I am, why can’t they understand?

They may think depression is a first-world problem. Maybe it is; maybe not. I thought depression was something the weak-spirited suffered. I thought Allah (swt) was enough. I thought medications were simply a bandage. But I’ve realized, unfortunately too personally, that depression is not black and white. It is not something that one can wish away. It is a battle that only the strongest of will win. I know it will take me every fiber of my being to kill this silent lurking monster.

Even though no one sees the emotional pain and mental agony of depression; I am here to tell you, it is real. Whether it’s due to the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a bad test score or absolutely nothing you can put your finger on—it is real. And you cannot let it get worse. Whether you are the one suffering or someone around you is. We must notice the person who isn’t as cheery as they once were. We must notice the drastic behavior changes in the person we once knew. Notice physical changes: weight loss, weight gain, dark circles, lethargy, unexplained headaches, missed school days and work days.

Please, help someone around you who is suffering. Maybe they are suffering for unknown reasons; maybe it doesn’t make sense to you. Maybe they have been depressed for a couple of days or maybe they have been depressed for months. Whatever the case, if you can help- help.

We need to be there for our sister, our brother, our friend, our coworker, our daughter, our son, our student, our neighbor who is suffering. We need to help them. We must not let it get worse. We must not let them fall into an abyss of complete despair.

We must be forgiving for the missed phone calls and the broken promises and the little changes that make us question our relationship. Be forgiving. Be empathetic. Understand that in the fog of depression, human beings make bad decisions, say things they wish they hadn’t and do things they never would. The regret kills them from within. They are miserable, and they don’t know how to tell anyone. The smile they force hides a world of pain and despair. Notice the fake smile and the blank stares and ask, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired.” “Oh, I think I’m getting sick.” “Just a little stressed.” Don’t let these answers distract you. Say: “I’m here for you. If you’re going through anything at all, you can talk to me. Don’t forget that.”

Know that depression lies to the sufferer. It tells them: “You are worthless. The world would be better without you. You are a burden to your family. You are not smart enough. You are not religious enough. You are not beautiful/ handsome enough. You will never reach your goals. You are nothing and you are all alone.” This loneliness consumes the individual, completely paralyzing them.

Tell them they are not alone. Keep texting, keep calling, keep emailing. Just be there. Don’t let their indifference, or their excuses dissuade you. So many are suffering silently because they believe no one cares. But keep trying. It will make a difference. It will make all the difference. Everyone notices a broken leg but no one notices a broken spirit. Don’t be the person that lets months go by while a friend or an acquaintance falls deeper and deeper into his/ her depression.

And once they’ve revealed their “secret”, don’t leave them. Don’t forget them. Don’t let weeks pass by without checking up on them. And when you do reach out, don’t simply say: “It’s going to be okay. Just perk up. Be thankful. Don’t just sit around all day. Get out of bed. Call me whenever you need.” Though well-intentioned, this is not enough. Being there for a person who is depressed is mentally and emotionally draining. They will not call you. They will not be the first to reach out. They do not want to be a burden to you.

I do not want to be a burden to my family and friends. So I will not call and I may not reply until the third text. I know it’s selfish, but that’s what I need now. And I do not want someone to tell me to be thankful. I am already thankful. I pray to Allah (swt) every day, and spend hours thanking Him for what He has given me, in tears. And I ask Him to forgive me for feeling how I feel. I tell Him how hurt I am and how ungrateful I feel. I ask Him why I feel like this. I ask Him to help me. I know I can’t ask Him to take my life, so I ask Him what I’m allowed to: “Grant me life as long as it is good for me, and grant me death when it is better for me.” Always hoping the latter is what is better.

If we want to be pillars of support for those who are suffering, it will require effort. Over and over and over again.

I am writing this having suffered this overwhelming illness for about more than a year. I am okay today, so I am able to write this. Yesterday I was a mess, inconsolably crying filled with anxiety and despair. I am writing this because I want to tell you how I feel. And I want anyone suffering like me to know that there are others that are observant, struggling Muslims and that they feel the way you are feeling. And that you should see a psychiatrist, that you can take medication if that’s what you need right now, and that it is okay to tell the people who you love. And finally, always remember- even when people disappoint you, Allah (swt) will never. He is always there and He will always be there for you. If He has kept you breathing, He has a purpose for you, insha`Allah (by the will of God).

“…And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from an unexpected source. And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” [Qur’an, 65:2-3]

May Allah (swt) cure you all of your illnesses, your distresses, your pains and grant you the best of healing. Ameen.

An excellent video to better understand depression:

Photo: madlyinlovewithlife

Question:

My 18-year-old sister recently told me that she was gay. Not only that, but she was also in a relationship with a girl whom we all thought was her best friend. And to make matters even worse, she said she was not sure she felt Muslim anymore.

Obviously, I was shocked. But I love my sister; I have practically raised her since she was little. So I listened patiently (she has a history of mental health/anxiety/self-harm issues) and I told her that, while I did not agree with her life choice, I loved her no matter what. I feel that the worst thing I could have done at that time is to reject her. I did not even go down the ‘it is un-Islamic’ road—she already knows that, and she is struggling with it.

Now, we have long conversations about how/if Islam fits into her life. I know I cannot force her to remain in the faith if she does not want to, but I feel so lost myself that I am running out of things to say.

I guess I am not asking if her being gay is ‘halal’, but rather looking for advice on how to deal with a loved one going through something like this. She has obviously gone through hell and back alone, and now finally she feels like she can confide in someone about ‘who she really is.’ Given her background of poor mental health, I am loathe to do or say anything that could tip her balance the wrong way. I just do not know how to support her, and if in doing so I am going against my own beliefs in the process. Her well-being is the most important thing to me right now.

Answer:

It sounds like maintaining a positive relationship with your younger sister is very important to you. Her identification as being gay and questioning the role of Islam in her life further confirms for you the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with her. You have been able to approach her with compassion and empathy but you also question whether this challenges your own personal beliefs.

By maintaining open communication with your sister, you are modeling empathy and understanding for her struggle.  By loving her, you also realize that you cannot change her, but you can be there for her if/when she has concerns or questions. If you feel that she respects your boundaries and does not impose her choices on you, then you are engaging in a mutually respectful relationship.  Maintaining open communication with her does not mean you accept what she is doing, but rather that you have a loving heart towards her as your sister, and do not wish to break the bond of a family relationship.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

By Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

• Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
• Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
• Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
• Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
• Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
• Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
• Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
• Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
• Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
• Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
• Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
• Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere. 

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

_____________________________________________________________________

Sources:

http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org

By Marwa Abdalla

I remember the joy I felt when my first-born daughter was born. The joy I felt when I saw her first smile, heard her first laugh, and watched her learn to crawl and then walk. Indescribable joy. However, I also remember sitting up in bed after putting her to sleep with a knot in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. My husband looked puzzled. “I just hate feeling like I’m not doing anything,” I said.  Not doing anything? He looked at me, even more puzzled, and said, “But you do so much, masha’Allah!” However, I wasn’t referring to the number of stories I had read or the spoonfuls of baby food I had offered. I was referring to the void I had inside because as a full-time mother, I felt unaccomplished, like I was selling myself short, because my contributions were not in the areas of life that society had taught me truly mattered.

I had chosen to stay home from work with my daughter because I sincerely felt that was what was best for her and for me. It was not an easy decision. Actually, it may have been the most difficult decision I had made in my life up until that point. And though I won’t go into the various factors my husband and I looked at in making the decision, I will say that many options were considered. After praying much istikhara (a specific prayer asking for guidance), I decided that not only did I prefer to be with my daughter, but that this was, in my situation, the way I could best serve Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) at that time. Days, weeks, and months passed, and I valued greatly the moments I had with my baby girl. As she grew, I felt very thankful to be able to witness her amazing progress masha’Allah. In my mind, I knew I had made the right decision.

But in my heart, I still often had these overwhelming feelings of sadness, shame, and guilt. Not “post-baby blues,” as some call it. No, this was something else. Until I had my daughter, I was a young woman who had, by the Grace of Allah, excelled both academically and in various leadership activities. In high school I had been voted “Most Likely to Change the World.”  Why did I feel now as a mother that I wasn’t doing anything as compared to when I was earning a professional degree or a paycheck?

I initially thought this was my own neurotic problem. However, I was surprised to find other mothers, those who stayed home and even those who went back to work or school, sharing the same feelings with the regards to the time they spent taking care of their children. “Oh, I’m just a mom,” one young mother said, almost embarrassed, when someone asked her if she was working. Just a mom? That’s when I knew something really was wrong—and it wasn’t just with me. Why did it seem so many mothers were struggling with their own self-worth and the need to feel “accomplished” in other areas of life as they raised their young children?

Allah Almighty tells us in the Qur’an,

“For indeed, it is not eyes that are blinded, but blinded are the hearts which are within the breasts.” (Qur’an, 22:46)

It seemed my heart had become blinded from celebrating motherhood, understanding its value and being proud of my role as a mother. I had become convinced (though I wasn’t sure what that conviction was based on) that my self-worth and value came primarily from my abilities to work outside the sphere of domesticity.  But how? I considered myself a well-educated woman, well-versed in American popular culture who, as a young adult, became a student of Islam. I certainly had not expected to have this battle waging inside of me. Moreover, I was surprised to find this was a battle fought in the hearts of many other mothers.

And so I pressed on, obsessed with understanding feelings I couldn’t always explain but determined not to see myself as just a mom. I wanted to celebrate being a mom and thank Allah (swt) for that blessing, not feel burdened, resentful and unappreciative. And so I read as much as I could on the topic, talked with other mothers, and I prayed to Allah for guidance, for I knew that only He could give my heart the comfort it needed. Then, only slowly, was the proverbial wool lifted—from both my eyes and my heart.

As human beings, we have many basic needs and one of those is the need for validation—the feeling that we are appreciated and are contributing somehow to those around us. Allah (swt) has given us countless ways of filling this need—through contributions to family, community and work, just to name a few. However, in the last hundred and fifty years, somewhere along the way between industrialization and the women’s rights movement, the contributions made by a mother to her family took the back seat to those made in other areas of life—the job of creating a home for a child and developing his or her capabilities became equated with “doing nothing” (Crittenden 2001). I realized I had been trained by society—even by many Muslims in society—to see the act of mothering, this noble act that has benefited humanity for centuries, as something trivial that I should be doing on the side, along the way, as an extra, and that my real importance was in how successful I was at other things—work, professional life, and community involvement.

British author, George Orwell, once said, “We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.”  As true as this may have been during Orwell’s lifetime—he died in 1950—it seems even more so in our contemporary discussions about motherhood. We need to re-train ourselves to see the obvious. Because it seems that hidden in all the political correctness that dictates our conversations about motherhood (after all, who in their right mind would dare say that women should be proud of taking care of their children!), a simple truth has been observed: A baby or young child needs a to be loved, cared for and nurtured by a person who is as invested in him or her as a mother would be. They need it as much as they need food, exercise and sunshine. It’s not just good for them, but vital. Whether or not people other than the child’s mother can fulfill this role is up to each family to decide, but I would argue that few true “replacements” are readily available for mothers. This relationship, more than any other, teaches humans the very care, empathy, and love that make us, well, human. Without it, we all suffer. That doesn’t mean that mothers cannot work. It doesn’t mean that fathers cannot be involved in a very real way in their babies’ and children’s care. Those are decisions each family must make for itself after evaluating its own unique circumstances. What it does mean, however, is that a mother who chooses to stay home shouldn’t feel guilty, as if she has given up her ability to make positive contributions to society. She shouldn’t feel like she is just a mother.

And so the end of this story is really the beginning: I now have three daughters, alhamdulilLah (praise be to God), and I am still re-training myself, despite what society may tell me, to see that I am a good woman, a successful woman when being a mother to my children. I am re-training myself to see that motherhood is not some oppressive job that I should necessarily leave to someone else. It is, in fact, a very commendable job for any woman who chooses it, and should be celebrated as much as any other role I take on in life. I am re-training myself to see the trials and tribulations I face as a mother not as effort wasted, but as opportunities through which to gain reward and draw closer to Allah (swt). And though I try my best to continue to grow at a personal level, and do hope to continue my career once my children are grown, I am re-training myself to live in the moment, to appreciate that the sometimes selfless things I do now to take care of my children are not going unnoticed or unacknowledged, for Allah (swt) sees and records all things. And lest I forget, I have simply to turn to the Qur’an and Sunnah, my compass and guide, which contain countless ayat (verses) and ahadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, peace be upon him) about the importance of mothers, and then simply pray that my heart continue to see the beautiful truth that exists there.

Bibliography:

Cook, Peter. Mothering Denied: How Our Culture Harms Women, Infants, and Society. Cook, 2009. 

Crittenden, Ann. The Price of Motherhood.  Henry Holt and Co. New York, 2001.

Muehlenberg, Bill. The Importance of Mothers, Accessed Online at http://www.billmuehlenberg.com/2009/05/05/the-importance-of-motherhood/, Jan. 2012