Why Do People Have to Leave Each Other? Part I | Part II

When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting inside a masjid and a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me: “Why do people have to leave each other?” The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen for me.

I was one to get attached.

Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set in motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall-out with a friend shattered me. I couldn’t let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments—even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

But the problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.

Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an 2: 256)

There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.

But this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even traveling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment—unsuccessfully—in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.

And that’s exactly where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void. So it was no wonder that the little girl in my dream asked me this question. It was a question about loss, about disappointment. It was a question about being let down. A question about seeking something and coming back empty handed. It was about what happens when you try to dig in concrete with your bare hands: not only do you come back with nothing—you break your fingers in the process. And I learned this not by reading it, not by hearing it from a wise sage. I learned it by trying it again, and again, and again.

And so, the little girl’s question was essentially my own question…being asked to myself.

Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today, and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are made to seek, love, and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that is both perfect and eternal. So the yearning for that type of life is a part of our being. The problem is that we try to find that here. And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on—in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not, and will never be.

And that’s why if we live in dunya with our hearts, it breaks us. That’s why this dunya hurts. It is because the definition of dunya, as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to yearn for. Allah put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is eternal and perfect. By trying to find fulfillment in what is fleeting, we are running after a hologram…a mirage. We are digging into concrete with our bare hands. Seeking to turn what is by its very nature temporary into something eternal is like trying to extract from fire, water.  You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in dunya, only when we stop trying to make the dunya into what it is not—and was never meant to be (jannah)—will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.

We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.

And pain is a pointer to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain is where our false attachments lie. And it is those things which we are attached to as we should only be attached to Allah which become barriers on our path to God. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is anything about our condition that we don’t like, there is a divine formula to change it. God says: “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an, 13:11)

After years of falling into the same pattern of disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound. I had always thought that love of dunya meant being attached to material things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love of dunya just did not apply to me. What I didn’t realize was that people, moments, emotions are all a part of dunya. What I didn’t realize is that all the pain I had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of dunya.

As soon as I began to have that realization, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this endeavor: making the dunya into jannah. This meant expecting people around me to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in *where* I was placing those expectations and that hope. At the end of the day, my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.

And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. An ayah began to cross my mind. It was an ayah I had heard before, but for the first time I realized that it was actually describing me:  “Those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present, and those who heed not Our Signs.” (Qur’an, 10:7)

By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope was not in my meeting with God. My hope was in dunya. But what does it mean to place your hope in dunya? How can this be avoided? It means when you have friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God.

Seek the help of people—but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73).  And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)

But how does Prophet Ibrahim (as) describe his journey to that point? He studies the moon, the sun and the stars and realizes that they are not perfect. They set.

They let us down.

So Prophet Ibrahim (as) was thereby led to face Allah alone. Like him, we need to put our full hope, trust, and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.

We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing? In the statement of Abu Bakr is a deep illustration of this truth. After the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ died, the people went into shock and could not handle the news. But although no one loved the Prophet ﷺ like Abu Bakr, Abu Bakr understood well the only place where one’s dependency should lie. He said: “If you worshipped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if you worshipped Allah, know that Allah never dies.”

To attain that state, don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with God. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13). And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Looking back at the dream I had when I was 17, I wonder if that little girl was me. I wonder this because the answer I gave her was a lesson I would need to spend the next painful years of my life learning. My answer to her question of why people have to leave each other was: “because this life isn’t perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?”

Abu Bakr bin `Ubaidullah bin Anas bin Malik narrated [from Anas] that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever raises two girls then I and he will enter Paradise like these two.” And he indicated with his two fingers. [Bukhari]

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was exemplary in every role he held in society. This held true in his role as a father to his daughter Fatima radi Allahu `anhaa (may God be pleased with her), the wife of Ali ibn Abu Talib (ra). You need not look too far into the sunnah (way of the Prophet ﷺ) to find examples of the remarkable connection between the two. From the beginning of revelation to the days of the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ passing, there is evidence of a love only found between a father and his daughter. The Prophet ﷺ said, as recorded in Muslim, “Fatima is part of me. Whatever upsets her upsets me, and whatever harms her harms me.”

The relationship between Muhammad ﷺ and Fatimah (ra) makes sense in light of what present day research tells us about this familial connection. Modern day psychology highlights the remarkable impact a daughter’s relationship with her father has on many aspects of her life, from her relationships with others, her career choice and even how she handles stress (B. Auer et al, Journal of Family Psychology, 2012). Unfortunately, sometimes in the Muslim community, rather than foster this love and empower daughters as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ had, we see cases where daughters are facing injustice in their own homes and the sunnah is being abandoned. This article provides advice to fathers on how to empower their daughters through understanding of Islamic principles and modern day psychology.

Dear fathers,

1. If you have younger daughters, perhaps ages five to eight, take them with you to the mosque. Remember that the mosque is a place of worship and is just as much a place for women as it is for men. Establish your daughter’s relationship with the house of God early on. Take her with you and encourage her to perform salat (prayer), even though at this age, it is not required. Just imagine the message this act sends to other fathers. Even though it may be inconvenient at times, an effort to create fond memories is a great step in deeply bonding with your daughter. I speak from experience when I say that it will be something she never forgets. When your daughter grows up, perhaps she will be more willing to get involved in the mosque activities and it may be that you receive reward for that. Remember that the beloved Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Whoever guides someone to virtue will be rewarded equivalent to him who practices that good action.” [Sahih Muslim].

2. Adolescence is an uncomfortable experience for everyone. Particularly as a young girl, the frightening and sudden physiological changes are accompanied with societal pressures to “look like this” and “walk like that”. As a young teenage girl, dealing with all this pressure can be overwhelming. So when your daughter gets to her teenage years, be aware of the struggles she will certainly face and do not ever dismiss her as ‘emotional’. As a father, your psychological support is extraordinarily important. Be patient with her and let her know you are there for her. If your relationship does not allow for you to speak about feminine issues comfortably, then remember that your wife (or other important women in your daughter’s life) are your allies. Express your concerns to those women and ask them to be there for your daughter. This way, you are aware of the issues she is facing and if or when the time comes, you will be prepared to advise her, or even just listen.

3. Tell her that she is beautiful at every age. According to the Journal of Pediatric Psychology (K. Boutelle et al, 2002), “35-57% of adolescent girls engage in crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, diet pills, or laxatives and overweight girls are more likely than normal weight girls to engage in such extreme dieting.” This statistic might shock you but as a woman and a mentor to many ladies, it does not shock me. In present-day society, all forms of media, be it Instagram, magazines or music videos, can have potentially devastating psychological effects. We cannot escape these subliminal messages that try to define beauty. Young girls and women are especially targeted by these messages. Although we cannot eliminate these influences, you as a father can act as a ‘stress buffer’ or someone who alleviates the negative psychological effects of such influences. So let her hear from the most important man in her life that she is beautiful. But remember to also stress the importance of inner beauty. We remind ourselves of the following hadith (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ): the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Allah does not look at your figures, nor at your attire but He looks at your hearts [and deeds].” [Muslim]

4. Encourage your daughter to be active in the community. Be supportive of her activism. The women around the Prophet ﷺ were beacons of empowerment to other women in their communities. Encourage your daughter to be a part of this legacy, whether she is teaching other youth or volunteering at a local event. I urge all fathers to understand the incredible benefits of community involvement for Muslim women, and everyone else. It encourages empathy, God-consciousness, independence, time management skills, and so much more. I have watched so many women discover their passions and identity through this work and I have seen these same women break down when their fathers discouraged – or worse – insulted their community involvement.

5. Be the best example of a man you can be. Why? Well, besides the obvious “you’ll be accountable for your actions,” your daughter will almost certainly use you as her standard when deciding on her future husband. As her father, you are the first man to whom she develops an attachment, whether the conditions of that attachment are healthy or not. Her expectations of a man will be affected by the way you treat her, her mother, and others, the way you deal with emotions, your work ethic and so on. This reminds me of the following excerpt of a hadith: the Messenger of Allah, ﷺ, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them…” [Bukhari and Muslim].

I pray that fathers find this article helpful and that it provides insight and an opportunity to reflect deeply. No matter what age your daughter is, it is never too late to beautify and enhance your relationship with her. May Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) bless you with daughters who are the coolness of your eyes and carriers of inspiring legacy!

Originally published in November 2011

Question: Is marital rape allowed in Islam?

Answer: As salaamu alaykum,

Thank you for asking this important question which has come to the fore in recent times, and which has been the cause of confusion for many people. Here are some important points to take into consideration when learning about this issue:

• It is absolutely haram (unlawful) for a man to harm his wife. The Prophet ﷺ prohibited harming others in general,¹ and intensified that prohibition for harming other believers.² If one is taught to hold ordinary people – with whom one shares no special relationship – in such sanctity, then what of the person one is linked to in the “weighty, serious bond” of marriage (Qur’an 4:21); who is one’s “garment” (2:187), and who lives under one’s ri’aaya, care and shepherdship, as mentioned in a prophetic tradition?³ Allah has described marriage as a relationship of kindness, mercy and love (30:21), and commands men to deal with their wives in an honorable way (4:19). Rape, abuse, ill treatment, and inflicting harm – be it physical, verbal or psychological – are completely unacceptable in such a relationship.
• It is true that the contract of marriage grants a husband the right to intimacy with his wife, and vice versa, however, this does not imply that one can seek to obtain this right violently or forcefully. Just as in any situation in which one has been deprived of one’s due rights, one must go through the proper channels to resolve the matter in a just and honorable way. At no time does it become permissible for someone to take it upon themselves to harm the other party in a misguided attempt to ‘take their right’. This would amount to a type of vigilantism or seeking of personal vengeance that has no place in Islamic tradition, in which we are taught to defer such disputes to those with religious and legal authority. This is clearly indicated in the words of the great scholar Taqi al-Din al-Subki, in his commentary on some verses of the Qur’an related to marriage:

“At the time when it becomes obligatory for a husband to provide financial support, clothing, (and other such provisions) for his wife, he should exert himself in doing so, and not be negligent in this duty such that his wife would have to file a complaint of his negligence with the judge [haakim], and in so doing spend from her own expenditures. …Similarly, a wife should be responsive to her husband’s request for intimacy, such that he would not need to bring a complaint (against her) to the judge, and in so doing spend from his own expenditures.”⁴

From these statements we see that a husband’s or wife’s proper recourse, when confronted with a marital issue they are unable to resolve, is to turn to the appropriate authority for guidance and direction. Violence or force of any kind is not an option.

• People often defend such behavior by citing prophetic traditions that strongly discourage women from refusing their husbands if they approach them for intimacy. While these texts underscore the importance of a wife fulfilling her spouse’s sexual needs (a reminder the Prophet ﷺ gave to men in a number of statements as well,⁵) they cannot be used to justify force. One such text goes on to describe the husband as one who, after being refused, “goes to bed angry.”⁶ If it were truly acceptable for a man to force himself on his wife, why wasn’t such an act mentioned here as a viable alternative to his wife’s refusal?
• Some people also seek to confuse this issue by citing the verses in the Qur’an that outline a disciplinary method of dealing with a wife who is nashiz.^{7 8} These verses are probably among the most misunderstood, misused and misapplied of the Qur’an in our times, and must be understood in their proper exegetical context. Since an in-depth explanation of these verses is beyond the scope of this article, it will be sufficient to state that darb – which is often translated as ‘to strike lightly or tap’ – has been strictly defined by our scholars and has numerous restrictions and conditions.⁹ From among them is that it is done in a manner that would not cause humiliation or harm to the person, and that it is only done when it is a means of helping reconcile between the spouses, and is not a cause of resentment, enmity or hatred between them.¹⁰ It is impossible for such verses – whether looked at lexically, exegetically, or otherwise – to be used to excuse violent or forced sexual relations with one’s wife. Dr. Jamal Badawi succinctly rejects these types of false claims by stating,

“Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any Muslim can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Qur’an or hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person(s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet.”¹¹

• Though marital rape would not warrant a hadd punishment¹² in accordance to Shari`ah, this in no way means that such an act is acceptable or that it would go unpunished by an Islamic court. Some people mistakenly believe that the hadd punishments are the only ones that exist in Islamic law, but that is not the case.  Even if an act does not fall into one of the specified categories for hadd punishment, a qadi [judge] still has the right to punish the person with imprisonment, corporal punishment (lashing), or anything else he deems suitable for the situation, the crime committed and the guilty individual (which is called zajr or ta’zeer).¹³ Some scholars even state that a wife who has been assaulted in such a manner by her spouse has the right to jirah, or civil redress, for her injuries.¹⁴
• Some scholars condemn such an assault as sinful and despicable while at the same time deeming it inappropriate to be labeled as ‘rape’. This is because of the presumption of consent implicit in the legal contract of marriage. It is important to note that such statements are not intended to condone the behavior, but are simply an expression of legal exactness. When taking such a case into consideration, scholars would not base a punishment on the sexual act itself, but on the harms, both psychological and physical, that stem from it. Such an assault – however it is labeled – is still considered by scholars to be unacceptable, sinful, and susceptible to punishment.
• If a man finds his wife unreceptive to his overtures of intimacy, he should put in some effort to be attentive, affectionate, and kind to his wife, and to fulfill the numerous recommendations the Prophet ﷺ made in regards to intimacy. Such problems may also be symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship that need to be resolved. One should always take an introspective, constructive, and proactive approach to dealing with problems, focusing first on how one can change one’s own behavior to improve the situation, instead of simply blaming the other party or seeking to ‘punish’. It may also be necessary to seek counseling and advice from others who have expertise in these matters.
• An individual who engages in assault and abuse of any kind, especially towards family members, shows signs of underlying psychological problems that need to be treated. There is no level of frustration, anger, or overwhelming grievances – no matter how legitimate they may seem – that pardons such dehumanizing and callous behavior.

I hope these points have shed some light on this issue, and have made it clear that marital rape is not allowed or condoned by our deen, and is in fact a sinful act that a person can be held accountable for in this life, before the hereafter. In the very first verse in the chapter of the Qur’an entitled “Women”, Allah Most High warns us to be fearful of Him in demanding our rights upon each other. He in fact warns us to be fearful of Him twice in this verse, a sign of the seriousness with which we should take such matters:

“O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from a single soul and created from it its mate, and dispersed from both of them countless men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you demand your mutual rights, and (reverence) the wombs that bore you: Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer.” (Qur’an, 4:1)

In conclusion, the Prophet ﷺ taught, “Only a noble man treats women in an honorable manner and only an ignoble man of low character treats women disgracefully.”¹⁵ May Allah make us people of noble character, who fear God in our dealings with others and who weigh our deeds and words well before they are weighed for us on the Day of Judgment.

Allah knows best.

Part I | Part II

A distant relative found out about my offer and told me, “Man, you should take it! Any girl will accept you [for marriage] with that kind of cash… You can buy her the biggest rock and throw the nicest wedding party.” After thinking about it, I have the following reflections to share.

In Islam, we all know that the man should be financially capable of getting married and able to support a family. However, that does not translate into a dowry or lavish and extravagant wedding that becomes a burden for the couple getting married. There is a lot of pressure from our families and communities to “go all out” on a wedding, spending beyond our limits – an act that displeases Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), especially when we attempt to please others so that they can praise us.

Alhamdulillah (praise be to God), many brothers I know can afford to get married and have a beautiful wedding celebration. They all have great incomes and are content. Brothers in my network always remind each other to make the Prophetic du`a (supplication): “O Allah, we ask you for beneficial knowledge, blessed wealth, and accepted actions.” They do not ask Allah (swt) for more wealth, but ask Him to bless what He gave them and to make them content. They refuse to submit themselves to the marriage industry – materialism and pressure for an overly expensive and complicated marriage process – when Islam has made marriage easy. A man (or couple if they decide) should put on a wedding they can afford, a wedding that will be beautiful and welcoming for their guests.

There is so much pressure and unbelievably unrealistic expectations from our communities and families to put on an extravagant wedding (or if already married, to live outside their means) to the point where some brothers may resort to making money that is haram (impermissible), or if not inherently haram, obtained in a haram way (i.e. lying, cheating, etc.). All this for what? This extracts blessings from a marriage or relationship since there are no blessings in the wealth of the family. In fact, a haram income or the mismanagement of money can cause a family to deteriorate because the center of such a relationship is money and pleasing people, rather than pleasing Allah (swt), and Him alone. Living a financially balanced life within our means is one of the characteristics of `ibaad ar-Rahman – those who worship The Merciful (Qur’an 25:67). Do you not want you and your spouse to have this honor?

Many brothers are more concerned with taking care of their future wife and the family they will raise than with putting on an unaffordable lavish wedding, or living an unsatisfying materialistic lifestyle. Many brothers want to have a nice wedding, but at the same time focus on the marriage. There is a difference.

To my dear sisters – do you want to know a secret that is exceptionally attractive to a man? A content woman, wholeheartedly satisfied with what Allah (swt) provides and with what her husband is working hard to earn, sincerely appreciative of his hard work to take care of her. A real man, attracted to this, will spend even more and happily on her and the family, rather than resentfully, regretfully or hesitantly if the wife is insatiable. This is only natural, because Allah (swt) promises more to those that are sincerely grateful in their hearts.

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.'” (Qur’an 14:7)

We often forget what the definition of a man is. The Arabic word for a man is “rajul” and is derived from “rijil”, or leg. By a basic linguistic definition, a man is defined as one who is able to stand up on his own two feet – to be responsible, independent and to support others.

If a couple is starting out their lives together, they should build it together. That relationship is built starting on day one, even before the wedding. As for parental financial support, this is obviously permissible, but I personally believe that the parents’ financial support should be minimal. The man, as long as he is financially stable, will gift a woman with a dowry he can afford and put on a wedding that he can afford, without any help except the help of Allah (swt).

My dear brothers and sisters, if a prospect does not accept you for who you are and is not content with what you have to offer as a person, then you have your answer as to whether this is the right person for you.

May Allah (swt) guide us to what pleases Him, preserve the Muslim relationships, grant all the single people pious spouses, protect us in this world and honor us with Paradise, where the real party is at.

By Inayah Zaheen

A few months ago we were invited to someone’s house for dinner, where I was asked a question by one of the guests:

“Why don’t you make your mother wear the hijab?”

I love wearing the headscarf—to externally be dressed in a way that enables me to maximize on worship (stop, drop, sujood—prostration—almost anywhere!), but also to be able to walk down the street and very visibly be noted to be a Muslim woman. I chose to wear it not only to follow the wisdom and instruction of my Creator, but also because I believe it represents something else: that I am not defined nor measured by social standards of beauty. I will not lie and pretend it was not difficult, but I love to reflect on the story of Ibrahim, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and how he was willing to sacrifice his own son in his love for, and faith in Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). While I can by no means equate covering my hair in public to a sacrifice so great, for me this difficulty was made easier when reminding myself that although I love my hair (not that I’m now bald), my love for Allah has always been, and should always be, far greater. AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God).

I am 22 years old, and I started to wear the headscarf when I was 19, after many months and years of contemplation, consideration and prayer. It is not wholly unusual in my extended family to choose to wear a headscarf, but it is also not the norm. When faced with this question however, my answer was prompt: My mother is a million times a better Muslim than I am masha’Allah (what God wills). When I reach her level, maybe I’ll find myself in a position to give her advice.

My mother, masha’Allah, wears hijab in every single aspect of the concept and word—without physically wearing a headscarf. As well as the fact that my mother lives and breathes Islam, that she has the most beautiful sabr (patience) that I have ever seen, that after her first child died, she grew in iman (faith) in Allah’s plan and in love for Allah (swt), she is also humble, modest, loving and of course – Jannah (heaven) is beneath her feet! She works as a mother with all her passion, and as a doctor with all her dedication. Her determination, strength and beauty are wonderful, and I love her dearly. She is not the only one I know like this—there are many friends of mine who are so humble, modest, kind, wise and genuinely representative of Islam in their every action and word without physically wearing the headscarf, that I find great role models in them, and aspire to have that degree of wonderful character and piety. I am by no means undermining the headscarf and outer hijab, but at the same time I ask you all: please do not undermine the equal importance of inner hijab.

It only takes a few seconds to scroll on Instagram and see the array of hateful and judgmental comments against sisters—headscarf-wearing and non-headscarf-wearing. Sometimes it truly makes me want to cry. At which point did we decide we could demean and belittle others, based on our perceptions of their practise of Islam? Headscarf, no headscarf, half-headscarf, or even bikini—nothing legitimises being rude and disrespectful to any human being, let alone a Muslim sister. Of course, giving advice is important, but when we are so obsessed with Islam’s teaching on dress, why do we not extend this to observing Islam’s teachings on etiquettes in giving advice? On top of this, while Allah (swt) is the best judge of intentions, ask yourselves this: is my intention by writing this comment to make a point, boost my ego, or truly inspire hearts and minds with the words of Allah (swt) and the Prophet ﷺ (peace be unto him)?

Instead, let us always learn from one another. Such an approach can only seek to increase our humility. Instead of: what can I point out about this sister that is bad/worse than me, let us ask: what is this sister doing that is better than what I do? How is she practising Islam in a way I can learn to practise Islam? Perhaps she gives more charity than I do, perhaps she listens with more sincerity to others, perhaps she never backbites. Masha’Allah. When I look at my mother, there is an infinite list of things I can learn from her, and I love that about her.

Ultimately, Allah (swt) is the judge of everyone, and He is the most JUST of judges, subhan’Allah (glory to God). Let us increase in love for one another, seek out the good in one another, and always remember that Allah (swt) knows us all infinity times better than we know ourselves, AlhamdulilLah.

To those who have been faced with similar questions, perhaps your answer will be different to mine—and that is fine! But to those who have ever felt demeaned because of comments about hijab, know that no one can claim to speak on behalf of Allah (swt), and He knows best what is in the heart. To those of you who genuinely give advice, keep it up. I am sure you already do, but also take some time to listen to, learn from, and appreciate the struggles of the sister you are speaking to.

So why don’t I ask my mother to wear the hijab? Because she already does. If Allah (swt) wills it for her, the beaming example of her inner hijab may one day manifest into an outer headscarf, but for the moment, she is my mother, and Jannah is beneath her feet <3 AlhamdulilLah.

I end with one of my favourite hadiths (narrations):

“Taqwa is not in the length of your beard, or in the layers of cloth you wear. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Taqwa is here,’ and he pointed to his chest.” (Reported by Muslim)

And one of my favourite ayahs (verses):

“Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has gone astray from His way, and He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.” (Qur’an, 68:7)

By Mariam Ahmed

When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce, I remember feeling like my life was coming to an end. I could feel the physical pain of grief and anxiety over what my life would now look like. I kept thinking to myself, why didn’t I act upon the obvious red flags I saw prior to marrying this man? It’s not like his actions or behavior was completely different from the person I was getting to know. But I wanted to marry him so much that I ignored so many things that were not only important to me in my future spouse, but what I discovered further down the road, are also destructive to a marriage. How was I going to move on or meet someone new?

Now that I have moved on and am considering marriage again, what actions should not be tolerated in a marriage, and how can one save their marriage if they are going down a road of destruction? In this piece, I came up with a few FAQs that I remember wanting answers to post-divorce. I have also had discussions with close friends and family who also experienced a divorce about these very questions.

These questions were answered by Marriage and Family Therapists Amal Killawi and Nadia M. Bazzy.

1. What are some red flags a person should look out for in their marriage?

Some red flags to look for in a marriage include hidden bank accounts, secret online identities, a major change in your spouse’s schedule that was not communicated, and new behaviors like drinking, gambling, pornography, and drug use. It is also equally important to look for red flags in how the relationship is functioning. Turning away during conflict, withdrawal, yelling, not resolving issues, anger, and resentment are all signs of relationship breakdown.

2. What are some things that are “unforgivable” and should not be tolerated in a marriage?

Every marriage is different, and each person will determine what he/she is willing to tolerate in a relationship. Some situations may warrant a divorce because it is healthier for the family. For example, in cases of physical or emotional abuse, it is rare for a marriage to survive without major rehabilitation of the perpetrator, and it is usually safest to leave the relationship. Some marriages can heal from major challenges such as infidelity, substance abuse, gambling, and porn addiction, but it will ultimately depend on the willingness of the partner engaging in these behaviors to receive professional counseling and on the level of support, emotional stability, and commitment to the marriage.

3. What are some things you can do if your spouse is asking for a divorce and you do not want one?

Ideally the person who wants a divorce should be able to name and identify the breakdown in the marriage that is prompting them to ask for a divorce. Many times, couples go to a few sessions of counseling to decide if they want to stay together or not. A couple may attempt to separate before they divorce to see if they feel differently about divorce. Many people express that they want a divorce because they are flooded with overwhelming emotions that they cannot work through. Oftentimes, couples counseling can help establish new patterns. While you may want to stay married, you also have to ask: How are you helping the marriage stay together? Change has to occur for the couple to survive.

4. How long and how much should you keep trying to reconcile? When do you stop trying? What should you do if your spouse is not open to couples’ therapy?

Does saying no allow you to have more agency in your relationship and create a power struggle? If your partner does not want to be married to you and is unwilling to attend couples counseling or seek out third-party help, it is best to ask yourself: What you are trying to hang on to? What are you afraid of? Address the fear of the divorce process.

Does your partner say they only want a divorce in the heat of an argument? Often, one partner feels “done” with the relationship but is really just done with the patterns in the relationship that are not fulfilling his or her needs. If that pattern can be addressed, the couple can overcome the situation.

Some people choose to seek individual counseling, and through that, make personal changes in their relationship that may as a consequence, encourage their partner to stay in the marriage. Some people may request their partner to participate in at least one session. Others may seek friends, family members, and/or community leaders to encourage their partner to seek couples counseling. Ultimately, change cannot be forced, but rather has to come from within. No one can force another person to remain in a marriage, and there is no timeline for reconciliation. If your partner is adamant about divorce and is not willing to reconcile, then you do your best to separate in kindness and seek support to heal through the divorce.

5. If your ex-spouse keeps reaching out to you and wants to maintain communication but does not want to return to the marriage, why might they be doing that and what are ways to stop it? Can exes maintain a friendship?

It is not uncommon for people to want to maintain a friendship after the marriage. While it is rare, it is still possible and healthiest if there are children. The Qur’an instructs us to deal with each other in a kind and civil manner. However, there are different types of communication. If they are reaching out with intimate communication, that is a boundary issue and should not be tolerated. You need to say no, and mean no. If they are reaching out in a friendly way that is respectful, it is your personal preference at that point to maintain a relationship or not. Some people find it emotionally difficult to continue a relationship with an ex for many reasons—inability to deal with the separation, dependency on the partner, and hope that they will get back together. Note that being friendly and able to communicate after a divorce does not mean that you can manage being married!

6. What are some things a person can do to help with the difficulty of divorce and the pain?

Healing from a divorce is a journey that will take time. It is important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but also not lose sight of the big picture. Your life does not end with divorce. Divorce may provide you with an opportunity to make changes in your life, to embark on new adventures, and to grow personally and spiritually. Seek support from family and friends, solace in prayer, and challenge yourself to learning something new. Counseling can also be helpful in your healing process.

7. Should you share with a potential suitor about your divorce? When and how much do you share?

You are in charge of what you share about your previous marriage. You may prefer to share openly from the beginning of the courtship or wait until you get to know them more and feel a sense of trust. However, it is important that a potential suitor knows that you were married. If you do not share, you will be keeping a secret, and secrets are a sign that there is distrust in the relationship—which can eventually lead to breakdown of the relationship. It is easiest if someone is aware upfront that you are divorced. This will establish trust and demonstrate that your potential suitor is aware of the situation and willing to work through it. Also, often times there are multiple connections with the person that you are divorced from if there are children, or if the person was from within the family or community.

You should be able to successfully identify why your marriage ended. This is a sign that you have the needed insight to move into a new relationship. If you are afraid of being rejected by a potential suitor because you were divorced, that is an issue that you will need to work through.

8. How soon after a divorce should you consider remarriage?

It is important to not use a new relationship to heal the hurt and pain of the last relationship. This is dangerous, as it sets you and your new partner up for failure. Additionally, the chance of divorce in a new relationship increases if there was a previous divorce. Divorce is a form of loss, even if divorcing was for the best.

It is normal to experience a range of emotions after divorce including depression, anxiety, loneliness, and identity confusion. Many people remark that they need to focus on themselves, rebuild self-confidence, heal the hurts of the last relationship, gain perspective, and learn new relationship skills. Often times, people can be attracted to a personality type that is unhealthy for them, so it is important to identify this before you move on to the next relationship so that the pattern can be broken. You will know you are ready to move on when you have created new insights from your last relationship, are no longer wondering “what if” when you think about the last relationship, are emotionally stable, and have healed from the pains of divorce. If you are asking: “Am I ready?” it is important to press the pause button, and ask, “How will I know when I’m ready?”

9. How soon should you introduce your children to a potential marriage prospective?

There is no standard timeline, but a sudden remarriage can be difficult for children to accept. Children will need time to deal with their parents separating, changes in their life as a result of the divorce, as well as feelings about the divorce. Introduce a potential slowly and communicate openly with your children about their feelings with this new person in your life.

Some helpful resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/divorce

http://muslimvillage.com/2013/03/26/37555/islamic-divorce-is-separation-with-kindness/

Nadia M. Bazzy is a Limited Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LLMFT) and holds a M.A. in Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding with a concentration in Psycho-Social Recovery. She specializes in couples and family therapy and maintains a private practice in Novi, Michigan.

Amal Killawi is a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Michigan, where she is also currently pursuing a Certification in Sexual Health. She is also a researcher focused on addressing health disparities among American Muslims and providing patients with culturally-competent care. As a community activist, Amal serves on the board of several non-profits, particularly focused on cultural competence, mental health, marriage and family life education, social services, and youth empowerment. She has been involved with the Muslim Students’ Association at the local, regional, and national levels. Amal formally contributes to the Virtual Mosque VMCounselors advice column designed to answer readers’ personal questions.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This is the second part of this two part series for my fellow mothers to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order in to it. To read part one, please click here.

7. Have the Correct Perception and Keep a Good Perspective

I find much solace in the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) supplication where he seeks that God grants him a true perception of reality: “O Allah, allow us to perceive the true nature of our affairs.”

اللهم أرنا الاشياء كما هي

It is truly a blessing to be able to know the reality of the world, so that we give things around us their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important, nor venerating what is worthless. When our perception of the world is aligned with the true understanding of the nature of dunya (this life) then our outlook at life is grounded in a reliance on Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). When we are afflicted with trying times, we are patient and find recourse through worship. When we are at ease, we are thankful and seek the pleasure of Allah (swt) through good deeds. The outward conditions of human beings are constantly changing and the best buffer to protect our hearts and ground our certainty in faith is beneficial knowledge. As mothers, we should seek beneficial knowledge to form and maintain a correct perception of the world and to adopt the correct and best perspective on affairs that affect our families. Beneficial knowledge incorporates both sacred knowledge and knowledge of the physical world. A believer can never divorce those two branches of knowledge from each other.

8. Seek Beneficial Knowledge

In this age of specialization, we often confine ourselves to one field of study. We fail to read and cultivate our knowledge at every level: be it spiritual or intellectual. Our need to be independent thinkers is weakened. “Read” was the first word revealed to our Prophetﷺ. He was ordered to seek knowledge embedded in both the Qur’an and creation. Creation in itself is like a book which harbors tremendous lessons and which promotes spiritual growth and an unceasing curiosity for learning.

Abu Hurayrah radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleases with him) relates that the Prophet ﷺ said, “For him who embarks on the path of seeking knowledge, Allah will ease for him the way to paradise.”

Beneficial knowledge is rooted in taqwa. (God consciousness).

“Be conscious of Allah [taqwa] and Allah teaches you. And Allah is knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

As mothers, we need the type of knowledge which will support our journey in raising a future generation. Personally, I take on many roles during the day: educator, counselor, advocate, caregiver and more! In other words, I am constantly trying to build my character, by seeking knowledge so that I assume those roles responsibly

This is by no means an easy task as relationships are problematic by nature. It is important to be patient, exercise judicious behavior and learn to choose battles wisely. Such responsibilities require that moms build character through an understanding of such qualities as giving good counsel, and enjoining good and forbidding evil. Seeking beneficial knowledge in a rapidly changing world, which harbors all kinds of moral “isms” and which also encompasses so much diversity entails that mothers keep up with current issues to their best abilities and make time to create an intimate relationship with the Qur’an.

اللِّهُم انّفَعنِي بِمَا عَلَّمتَنِي وعَلِّمنِيِ مَا يَنفَعنِي

The Prophet ﷺ used to say, “O Allah, benefit me with what You have taught me, and teach me what is beneficial for me, and increase me in knowledge.” (Al -Tirmidhi)

9. Converse with the Qur’an through the Stories of the Prophets

Set time aside to develop an intimate relationship with the Qur’an. Maintaining a close relationship with the Qur’an through a thorough study of the stories of the prophets has influenced my character in unimaginable ways. The language of the Qur’an is universal and addresses all human beings in their varying constitutions; that by itself is a miracle. Delving into the trials of the prophets and learning how they manifested humility, patience and gratitude empowers the believer to build a strong character, armed with knowledge and certainty. Furthermore, the relationship that the prophets had with their Creator Who chose them for a great mission but also nurtured them and prepared them for such a task sheds light on His infinite mercy. He is Ar-Rab, the Lord who nurtures His servants and continuously guides them through His light.

لَقَدۡ كَانَ فِى قَصَصِہِمۡ عِبۡرَةٌ۬ لِّأُوْلِى ٱلۡأَلۡبَـٰبِ‌ۗ مَا كَانَ حَدِيثً۬ا يُفۡتَرَىٰ وَلَـٰڪِن تَصۡدِيقَ ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَ يَدَيۡهِ وَتَفۡصِيلَ ڪُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ وَهُدً۬ى وَرَحۡمَةً۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يُؤۡمِنُونَ

“There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding. Never was the Qur’an a narration invented, but a confirmation of what was before it and a detailed explanation of all things and guidance and mercy for a people who believe.” (Qur’an 12:111)

Prophets are exemplars to humankind and their stories are packed with lessons relevant to all times and places. It is our responsibility to approach the Qur’an with the intention to start a personal dialogue with Allah (swt)—through those stories—and to make the relevant connections to our times and life circumstances. More importantly, in those stories, we find all the values necessary to raise a righteous generation.

اللهم اجعل القرآن العظيم ربيع قلوبنا ونور صدورنا وجلاء همومنا

“O Allah, make the Qur’an the sweet spring of our hearts, the light of our breasts and the removal of our woes.”

10. Know that Faith is Experiential

It takes time to experience the different facets of belief. Each mother experiences faith differently, and her spiritual state will be more or less defined by her own cultural influences, educational background, and personality. The beauty of Islam lies in the fact that each one of us carries in her heart an understanding that God is personal, merciful and has perfect knowledge and full control of all affairs. Consequently, each mother should struggle in the ways that best befit the nature of her trials and always seek beneficial knowledge, which will increase her certainty and empower her own struggle.

I heard a sheikh once say, “Islam is bigger than Muslims,” in the sense that there is a place in it for all people with their diverse cultural practices, temperaments, weaknesses and strengths. We should be aware of this great quality of Islam, respect our own individuality, and find opportunities to learn and grow by sharing insights relevant to our unique human experiences while nurturing a strong sense of community.

اللهم ألف بين قلوبنا ، وأصلح ذات بينـنا ، واهدنا سبل السلام

“O Allah reconcile our hearts with love, resolve our broken affairs and guide us towards peace.”

11. Visit the Mosque

Salman Al-Farsi reported: The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever performs ablution well in his home and thereafter comes to the mosque, then he is the guest of Allah and it is a duty upon the host to honor his guest.”

As soon as I enter the mosque, I feel that peace and mercy have descended upon me. My host is generous, always ready to embrace me. It is usually a short visit but I am thankful for this feeling of solace and peace. I always leave uplifted as if the burden of the world has been removed from my chest. Whenever things get stressful, retreat for a short visit to the mosque.

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ فِي قَلْبِي نُورًا وَفِي لِسَانِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي سَمْعِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي بَصَرِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ خَلْفِي نُورًا وَمِنْ أَمَامِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ فَوْقِي نُورًا وَمِنْ تَحْتِي نُورًا اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِنِي نُورًا

“O Allah, place within my heart light and upon my tongue light and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah bestow upon me light.”

12. Navigate your Way with Love

The basic binding force for any family is love. Tranquility, affection and mercy are the pillars through which marital love evolves. Eventually, this love grows to embrace all members of the family.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Despite the struggles and trying nature of relationships, a mother’s role in any form or shape, should always be channeled through the qualities of affection and mercy. Such qualities breed patience and provide a sense of safety and tranquility at home. A safe environment sprung from love breeds a confident young generation with strong moral principles.

وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’” (Qur’an 25:74)

Conclusion

The constant distractions and disorderly nature of the world can become challenging for mothers. An intelligent plan, which is constantly reassessed, modified and personalized, contributes positively to maintaining a sense of peace and calm. I have shared a few suggestions, which make up my personal plan and support my journey as a parent. Those suggestions are by no means comprehensive or work for everyone. Consequently, it is important for each mother to reflect upon her personal struggles and find the appropriate channels through which she can restore balance to her daily routine. However, to ensure a rewarding plan, I suggest that all mothers approach the world and their families through the lens of love and affection and dive into their maternal journeys with noble intentions and ample supplications.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

Life is about the mundane for most of us moms. We wake up early in the morning to a strict schedule of school duty and chores. Many of us juggle between work and household duties, with hardly any support. As a mom, I am constantly looking for windows of opportunities to improve my condition and keep my emotional well-being in check. There are twelve suggestions in this two part series—for my fellow mothers—to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order into it!

1. Master a Skill

Human beings are created with different capabilities and means for ingenuity. It is important to realize those capabilities and cultivate them. I personally find solace and empowerment in writing, as I look forward to harnessing my intellectual energy into an orderly piece of work. Writing has proved to be a great outlet for me. Consequently, I advise mothers to tap into their hidden skills and experience a sense of worth by channeling them into purposeful activities. It is important to pursue and practice skills with the correct intention. Whether it is critical reading, public speaking, sewing, managing charitable events, organizing school activities, sharing professional expertise, or advocating for a cause close to her heart, each mother will find tremendous fulfillment in mastering a unique skill with the intention to create beauty around her and benefit others in her community. Involvement of any sort takes up time and requires that we are time conscious.

اللَّهُم أجعل أعمالى كلها صالحة ولوجهك الكريم خالصة وتقبلها منى ياربنا بقبول حسن

“Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.”Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.

2. Be Time Conscious

Imam Shafi’i radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) is quoted to have said: “Time is like a sword: if you don’t cut it, it will cut you.” Time management is empowerment. It is of essence, especially in planning the course of the day and snatching those few minutes to discover our potential and to rectify our spiritual states. I find myself constantly multitasking, and I am exhausted towards the end of the day. Every mother needs time to take care of her physical and emotional wellbeing; otherwise, she will be overburdened with life’s stressors and eventually lose focus. Plan everyday for some physical activity and attempt to meet a simple goal for self-improvement. A planner always comes in handy, as well as a checklist of goals. More importantly, supplicating for a blessed day, in which time is not squandered and each minute is invested in what is beneficial, makes a big difference. Personalize your morning supplications to reflect your daily objectives. Pray for yourself, family, friends and community.

اللَّهُم اجْعَلْ أَوَّلَ يَوْمِنا هذَا صَلاحَاً، وَأَوْسَطَهُ فَلاحَاً، وَآخِرَهُ نَجاحَاً

“O Allah, make the start of this day amendment, its middle prosperity and its end success.”

3. Be Active and Healthy

Exercise is great in controlling anxiety and general fatigue. Whether it is yoga or walking, engage in the type of exercise that will keep you going for the day.

Being vigilant about diet is equally important. There is a lot of literature on nutrition but a good start is to cut down on processed foods and avoid sugar, except for what originates from fresh fruits and vegetables. The elimination of processed food is key to a wonderful boost of energy. Whatever you do, make baby steps and instill changes gradually. Major changes can cause us to lose interest quickly. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be unto him) said: “By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, the believer is like a bee which eats that which is pure and wholesome and lays that which is pure and wholesome. When it lands on something it does not break or ruin it.” (Ahmad)

The bee approaches the flower with gentleness, takes only the precious nectar, and gives pure honey. Similarly, the believer eats wholesome and pure food and takes his portion without conspicuous consumption. Buzz your way through a daily routine of clean eating, ample gentleness towards the environment, and lots of dhikr (remembrance).

اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَدَنـي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في سَمْـعي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَصَـري ، لا إلهَ إلاّ أَنْـتَ

“O Allah, make me healthy in my body. O Allah, preserve for me my hearing. O Allah, preserve for me my sight. There is none worthy of worship but You.”

4. Invoke Him through Dhikr (Remembrance)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “ There is a polish for everything that takes away rust; and the polish for the heart is the remembrance of Allah.” (Bukhari)

It is out of God’s infinite mercy that He attached rewards to utterances, which exalt Him, even if the one remembering Him does not fully internalize their meaning. Ibn Atallah (ra) beautifully captures the importance of being consistent in remembrance regardless of the state of the heart.

“Do not stop mentioning God just because your heart is not present. Forgetting Him completely is worse than being inattentive (ghaflah) while you are mentioning Him; perhaps He will elevate you from being inattentive to being attentive (yaqatha), and from being attentive to being fully present (hudoor) with Him, and from being fully present with Him to being fully absent from anything but Him.”

“And that is for Allah not difficult.” (Qur’an, 35:17)

I keep a rosary in my car, invoke dhikr, and send prayers to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ any time during the day. Whether you keep count or not, do not abstain from remembrance.

Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “I met Ibrahim on my Night Journey. He said, ‘O Muhammad, convey the greeting from me to your community and tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, ‘Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.’” (al-Tirmidhi) It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi] nd tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi]

سبحان الله، والحمد لله، ولا إله إلا الله، والله أكبر

5. Practice Conscious Contemplation

The Qur’an continuously reinforces the harmony that exists between man and nature. As Muslims, we are encouraged to seek the beauty in creation and ponder upon its signs.

“Have they not looked at the heaven above them – how We structured it and adorned it and [how] it has no rifts?” (Qur’an, 50:6)

“So observe the effects of the mercy of Allah – how He gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. Indeed, that [same one] will give life to the dead, and He is over all things competent.” (Qur’an 30:50)

With our fast-paced lives and continuous visual and auditory distractions, contemplation is a conscious effort, undertaken with the intention to unravel the meanings embedded in the universe. Some of us are exposed to beautiful geography while others seek beauty in natural occurrences. I have incorporated contemplation as part of a playground trip where I observe the beautiful hues of colors that decorate the sky at sunset and direct my child’s attention to the changes in the horizon. The cumulative learning experience is tremendous.

Contemplating creation provides great insight into the rhythmic patterns of nature, heightens the use of our five senses, elevates our level of consciousness and spiritual cognizance. It is an exercise, which drives the hearts to repentance and remembrance as God’s mercy unveils to those who ponder upon His signs.

“Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” (Qur’an, 3:191-192)

رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلاً۬ سُبۡحَـٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

6. Be Grateful

I often have to adjust my perspective and remind myself to be grateful, especially when things get stressful. The disposition of the believer is that of gratitude. The benefits are abundance in provision, patience and optimism. This characteristic is important, because it continues to be eroded in a modern world, which is afflicted with consumerism and instant self-gratification.

AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) embodies the meanings of hamd (praise) and shukr (thankfulness) to the Lord of the animate and inanimate worlds. It leads to gratitude, which transpires through an acknowledgment that He is the only source of all blessing, through a conscious effort not to squander those blessings and an optimism, manifested in an active involvement to mend, improve and engage in good deeds. A strategy that works is to look at those less fortunate and occupy ourselves with charity work. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

“When you see a person who has been given more than you in money and beauty, look to those, who have been given less.” (Muslim)

Jotting down our blessings can be a great daily exercise, which awakens feelings of gratitude. There is nothing more precious for children than to be surrounded by a content mother who verbalizes and practices gratitude.

اللهمَّ لك الحمد حتى ترضى، ولك الحمد إذا رضيت، ولك الحمد بعد الرضا

“O God, all praise is due to You alone until You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone when You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone after You are pleased.”

By Umm Ameen

Alhamdulillah (praise be to God) my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to perform Hajj in 2014.  Deciding to go to Hajj was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make since becoming a mother. As a homeschooler and protective mother who is a firm believer in attachment parenting, family and friends were shocked when I shared our Hajj plans. A dear, genuinely concerned friend asked, “How do you expect to leave your baby for so long during Hajj when you couldn’t even leave her with me for three minutes without worrying so much?” My response: “When I left her with you to quickly run to my car, I wasn’t leaving her for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).” As I uttered these words, I shook inside with gratitude toward Allah for guiding me to that realization at that specific moment. Another friend encouragingly reminded me that I am going for my children and was not depriving them in any way. Now that I’ve returned from the amazing journey, I realize that performing Hajj while leaving my little children at home was the best thing I’ve ever done for them. Please pray that Allah (swt) accepts my Hajj and invites me again and again.

I’d like to share some ideas that helped my children before and during my journey. I pray that these ideas will inspire, encourage, and give hope to other mothers contemplating Hajj insha’Allah (God willing).

1. Make du`a’, du`a’, and more du`a’ (supplication) for your children and for Allah to make the separation easy on them and you. Since the inception of our Hajj plans (at least 8 months before Hajj 2014), I started asking Allah (swt) to guide me towards making a decision that was the most pleasing to Him and the best for my deen (religion), dunya (worldly life), and akhirah (hereafter). I performed istikharah (a specific prayer and supplication asking God for guidance) and immediately saw events unfolding in favor of me going for Hajj. I continued to make du`a’ (supplication) imploring Allah to take care of my children in my absence and admitted that it was He, not me, who has been the one taking care of them even in my presence since before their conception! During Hajj, I undoubtedly missed my children tremendously. I made it a point to make du`a’ for them every single time I thought of them. Alhamdulillah, I have no regrets there. May Allah accept all those prayers!

2. Break the news to your children gently in an easy way for them to understand. I decided to hold off on any Hajj related discussions with the children until after Ramadan 2014. One night, as I was tucking them into bed, it just felt like an appropriate time to break the news. The words naturally rolled off my tongue, and alhamdulillah Allah made it easy for me wherein I didn’t cry or express any hesitation whilst talking to my older two. I remember sharing something like, “You know that no matter how much I love reading to you and playing with you, when it’s time for salah (prayer) I drop everything and pray, right? Allah is above everything, and our duty towards Him comes first. Just like salah is a pillar of Islam, so is Hajj. Did you know that this year Allah has invited Mamma and Baba to perform Hajj? Do you know what that means? It means that insha’Allah Baba and I will be going to Makkah for a few days. Hajj is too difficult for children and it’s not safe for me to take the baby so alhamdulillah we’re so lucky that Nanna and Abba will be staying here with you. Isn’t that exciting? It’s going to be so much fun for you! Baba and I are going to make lots and lots of du`a’ for you while we’re there insha’Allah. Do you have any special du`a’ that you want me to make on your behalf?” The children took the news very well alhamdulillah; coincidentally, they even attended a children’s Hajj Simulation at a local mosque the day we departed on our journey.

3. Plan countdown surprises and notes to keep them feeling loved, reassured, and entertained. Our trip was a total of seventeen days. For each day, I had a little gift bag for my children to open. I numbered each gift bag and hung them high on a wall from 17 to 1. This line of gift bags served as a countdown for Mamma and Baba to return. The gift bags contained little items that I carefully chose knowing that they would make the children happy: yo-yos, fancy pencils, whistles, magnifying glasses, bouncing balls, etc. My husband and I also wrote little notes in each bag addressing our children. One note read: “Dear Bhaijaan and Didi, We are so lucky to have you in our lives. Please give your baby sister a hug and kiss from us and play ‘catch, catch, catch’ with her today.” I was told that the children enthusiastically awoke every morning begging an adult to bring down their gift bag. Alhamdulillah.

4. Record videos of yourself for your kids. My husband and I recorded ourselves reading aloud our children’s favorite books. We must have had a total of four to five hours of reading their all-time favorite picture and chapter books. We recorded these videos using our webcams and spent about thirty minutes each night after the children went to bed. During our read aloud sessions, we would pause and “talk” directly to our children commenting, questioning, or reflecting upon the happenings in the book. For example, when a character screamed, “I am all alone!”, I paused and told my children to remember that no matter what, they will never be all alone because Allah (swt) is always with them. Recording these books was a very powerful experience for me and sometimes brought tears to my eyes. I had to re-do my one year old’s favorite book three times since I cried every time I tried to record myself reading to her. Alhamdulillah my children absolutely loved watching the videos, and it was great “baby sitting” for the grandparents when they needed a break. My children still view the videos and thoroughly enjoy them when I’m out running errands, busy with the baby, or performing other household chores. I recently played a recorded book while I busily worked around the house. I grinned from ear to ear upon hearing my daughter responding out loud to the questions that I had posed while my son gently reminded her that “Mamma can’t hear you when she’s in that video.” These videos were a lifetime investment, alhamdulillah, and I totally recommend them to everyone.

5. Buy and wrap `Eid gifts to make their `Eid fun and joyful. I couldn’t imagine my children spending `Eid without their parents, but of course they had a blast with their grandparents and their favorite uncle. Prior to leaving, I bought them special `Eid gifts and wrapped them. My mom surprised them with the gifts on `Eid day and sent me pictures. My family and friends also generously showered the children with gifts.

6. Organize play dates with friends in advance. Alhamdulillah I’m blessed with a beautiful community filled with friends who are eager to please Allah (swt). I requested my trusted friends to take my older two for a few hours every day. The children went on field trips, carnivals, Qur’an class, friends’ homes, etc. They had so much fun every day masha’Allah to the point where I was convinced that I surely missed them way more than they missed me. Alhamdulillah this also gave my parents more time to focus on the toddler who stayed in their warm and loving care 24/7.

7. Have extra toys in case all else fails. I ordered some educational toys and hid them in the garage. My mom knew where they were and would use them as needed. I think she introduced a new toy/activity every four or five days.

8. Make a calendar for the kids to keep them excited and informed. I replicated a calendar on a poster and listed all the dates and days of the week that we’d be gone for. Under each day, I wrote the special activity that the children would be involved in on that day. Entries such as Sky Zone with Mamu, Zoo Day, Play date with Abdur Rahman, Sports Class, Mamma and Baba Return, etc. kept the children excited and informed.

Alhamdulillah I am so grateful to Allah (swt) for inviting me to Hajj and making it so easy. Reflecting back, I was definitely more nervous and anxious than needed. My children were not affected negatively in any way at all and our relationship only grew stronger. The du`a’ that I made for them during Hajj are priceless and made it totally worth leaving them. I had initially contemplated going when the children were much older and independent. However, I now honestly and confidently recommend going as early as possible during your youth so that you can make du`a’ for your children now, and they can start reaping the benefits of the special heartfelt prayers that YOU, their loving mother, made for them when you first saw the Ka`bah, or when you were standing on Arafat, or while gazing at the stars in Muzdalifah. Imagine the power of those du`a’! The du`a’ of a mother who sacrificed so much, put her Lord before her children, and chose to accept His invitation to perform Hajj. I also constantly reminded myself that I may not live another year for another chance. Hajj is something I had to do, not just for my children, but for myself. May Allah accept and invite me again and again.

If you have any additional ideas, please share!

SubhanAllah

I can’t help but reflect on how we’d all wish to have the perfect family: every member of the family being God-conscious, parents fulfilling the rights of their children and vice-versa, harmony between siblings, a marriage with very few conflicts and loads of happy moments, and delightfully obedient children. Indeed, I doubt that such a family exists on this planet, yet it cannot be denied that there are some families whose happiness radiates wherever they may be; they have strong connections of love and affection. May Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) preserve such families. The truth is, however, that most of us have conflict and strife within our families; with our parents, siblings, cousins, spouses, children, in-laws, etc. Some of this conflict is minor, while some of it has left stains of trauma and wreaked havoc in the lives of so many. Where I find stability and contentment, however, is in the realization of three important things:

1. Every family has their issues.
2. Pure happiness and contentment with one another is reserved for Paradise, and not the life of this world.
3. Even within our own Islamic tradition, we find countless examples of great people who dealt with tons of stuff.

Consider the following examples:

Parent Issues

• Ibrahim (Abraham) (`alayhi assalam – peace be upon him), the great man that he was, was threatened by his own father when he preached to him the message of Islam. Not only did his community deny him, but his own father did too. Imagine the pain.

Sibling/Child Issues

• Qabil (Cain) grew jealous of his brother Habil (Abel) and eventually slew him. These were the first sons of our common ancestor, Adam (as). Imagine the turmoil of murder within a family, and the loss of a child for Adam and Hawa (Eve).
• The brothers of Yusuf (Joseph) (as) conspired to get rid of him completely. For years, his father Ya’qoob (Jacob) grieved the loss of his son, and upon his eventual return, Yusuf’s brothers were filled with regret for what they had done. Imagine a grief that causes you blindness, as it did to Ya’qoob (as). Not only that, but Yusuf (as) was from a line of prophets (Yusuf son of Ya’qoob son of Ishaaq son of Ibrahim (as)) and was still not immune to such a trial.
• Musa (Moses) (as) was furious at his brother Haroon (Aaron) (as) when he returned to find the Children of Israel worshiping a calf. He even dragged him by his head as mentioned in Surat Al-A`raf!
• In Surat Al Kahf, we learn from the story of Musa (as) with Al-Khidr, who was divinely inspired to take the life of a child because that child may have been a fitnah (trial) to the righteous parents. Clearly, their righteousness didn’t lead them to a simple perfect family life; they suffered the hardest trial they could experience as parents and as a couple— the loss of their child.

Spousal Issues

• Both Ibrahim (as) and his wife Sara, along with Zakariyya (as) and his wife had trouble conceiving a child. As well, Aasiya the wife of the greatest tyrant Fir’awn (Pharaoh) brought Musa (as) into her home after not being able to have her own child.
• Maryam (Mary) (as) brought Isa (Jesus) (as) into this world alone and with no communal and spousal support. Imagine how we treat such mothers today.
• Both Lut (Lot) (as) and Nuh (Noah) (as) were betrayed and left unsupported by their wives. They were prophets and still, they had issues in their marriages.
• Aasiya was severely abused and persecuted by her own husband for merely proclaiming her belief in God (as).

Our Greatest Example

• The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) lost his beloved uncle Abu Taalib before he accepted Islam.
• He lost many of his children as infants, children and adults.
• He lost his dearly beloved wife, Khadijah, and mourned her death deeply.

These are just a tiny fraction of the examples of family stuff that we can draw from our own Islamic tradition. Indeed, what is even more incredible is that those mentioned above were far more pious and sincere to Allah (swt) than we could ever be, despite their hardships.

Notice that their piety did not mean a life of ease and perfection – no! Instead they were tried with things that today, might bring you and me to our knees. Because Allah (swt) tells us that He does not burden a soul with more than they can bear. By testing them with such trials, the Almighty knew that they were capable of coming out purified and forgiven for their sins, inshaAllah (God-Willing).

Now, what about you and me?

I say, family issues are inevitable. Don’t look to the lives of others to escape your own problems – realize that Allah (swt) has placed you in the circumstance you are in because He (swt), in His supreme knowledge, knows you can handle it.

For me, I’ve come to see family strife as bound to occur. Although not easy in the least, my main concern has been managing it as gracefully as I can when it does happen. Our spiritual growth and purification is tied to the moments we want to talk back but don’t, or have been betrayed by a family member and don’t seek revenge. It’s certainly not easy, especially when we have depictions of the perfect family life crossing our sights at every moment. From television, advertisements, social media and other forms of media, we are inundated with false realities of perfect, happy families.

The truth is, we all deal with stuff. The greatest individuals who came before us did

and we certainly are not immune. The key then is, how do you deal with your stuff? With grace, or harshness? With acceptance or bitterness? With resolve or chaos? Consider the following verse:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” and they will not be tried?” (Qur’an, 29:2)

The choice is ours – let’s figure this stuff out.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Author’s Note: Please share your experiences/thoughts below, and any further examples we can derive inspiration from.