By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This is the second part of this two part series for my fellow mothers to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order in to it. To read part one, please click here.

7. Have the Correct Perception and Keep a Good Perspective

I find much solace in the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) supplication where he seeks that God grants him a true perception of reality: “O Allah, allow us to perceive the true nature of our affairs.”

اللهم أرنا الاشياء كما هي

It is truly a blessing to be able to know the reality of the world, so that we give things around us their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important, nor venerating what is worthless. When our perception of the world is aligned with the true understanding of the nature of dunya (this life) then our outlook at life is grounded in a reliance on Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). When we are afflicted with trying times, we are patient and find recourse through worship. When we are at ease, we are thankful and seek the pleasure of Allah (swt) through good deeds. The outward conditions of human beings are constantly changing and the best buffer to protect our hearts and ground our certainty in faith is beneficial knowledge. As mothers, we should seek beneficial knowledge to form and maintain a correct perception of the world and to adopt the correct and best perspective on affairs that affect our families. Beneficial knowledge incorporates both sacred knowledge and knowledge of the physical world. A believer can never divorce those two branches of knowledge from each other.

8. Seek Beneficial Knowledge

In this age of specialization, we often confine ourselves to one field of study. We fail to read and cultivate our knowledge at every level: be it spiritual or intellectual. Our need to be independent thinkers is weakened. “Read” was the first word revealed to our Prophetﷺ. He was ordered to seek knowledge embedded in both the Qur’an and creation. Creation in itself is like a book which harbors tremendous lessons and which promotes spiritual growth and an unceasing curiosity for learning.

Abu Hurayrah radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleases with him) relates that the Prophet ﷺ said, “For him who embarks on the path of seeking knowledge, Allah will ease for him the way to paradise.”

Beneficial knowledge is rooted in taqwa. (God consciousness).

“Be conscious of Allah [taqwa] and Allah teaches you. And Allah is knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

As mothers, we need the type of knowledge which will support our journey in raising a future generation. Personally, I take on many roles during the day: educator, counselor, advocate, caregiver and more! In other words, I am constantly trying to build my character, by seeking knowledge so that I assume those roles responsibly

This is by no means an easy task as relationships are problematic by nature. It is important to be patient, exercise judicious behavior and learn to choose battles wisely. Such responsibilities require that moms build character through an understanding of such qualities as giving good counsel, and enjoining good and forbidding evil. Seeking beneficial knowledge in a rapidly changing world, which harbors all kinds of moral “isms” and which also encompasses so much diversity entails that mothers keep up with current issues to their best abilities and make time to create an intimate relationship with the Qur’an.

اللِّهُم انّفَعنِي بِمَا عَلَّمتَنِي وعَلِّمنِيِ مَا يَنفَعنِي

The Prophet ﷺ used to say, “O Allah, benefit me with what You have taught me, and teach me what is beneficial for me, and increase me in knowledge.” (Al -Tirmidhi)

9. Converse with the Qur’an through the Stories of the Prophets

Set time aside to develop an intimate relationship with the Qur’an. Maintaining a close relationship with the Qur’an through a thorough study of the stories of the prophets has influenced my character in unimaginable ways. The language of the Qur’an is universal and addresses all human beings in their varying constitutions; that by itself is a miracle. Delving into the trials of the prophets and learning how they manifested humility, patience and gratitude empowers the believer to build a strong character, armed with knowledge and certainty. Furthermore, the relationship that the prophets had with their Creator Who chose them for a great mission but also nurtured them and prepared them for such a task sheds light on His infinite mercy. He is Ar-Rab, the Lord who nurtures His servants and continuously guides them through His light.

لَقَدۡ كَانَ فِى قَصَصِہِمۡ عِبۡرَةٌ۬ لِّأُوْلِى ٱلۡأَلۡبَـٰبِ‌ۗ مَا كَانَ حَدِيثً۬ا يُفۡتَرَىٰ وَلَـٰڪِن تَصۡدِيقَ ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَ يَدَيۡهِ وَتَفۡصِيلَ ڪُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ وَهُدً۬ى وَرَحۡمَةً۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يُؤۡمِنُونَ

“There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding. Never was the Qur’an a narration invented, but a confirmation of what was before it and a detailed explanation of all things and guidance and mercy for a people who believe.” (Qur’an 12:111)

Prophets are exemplars to humankind and their stories are packed with lessons relevant to all times and places. It is our responsibility to approach the Qur’an with the intention to start a personal dialogue with Allah (swt)—through those stories—and to make the relevant connections to our times and life circumstances. More importantly, in those stories, we find all the values necessary to raise a righteous generation.

اللهم اجعل القرآن العظيم ربيع قلوبنا ونور صدورنا وجلاء همومنا

“O Allah, make the Qur’an the sweet spring of our hearts, the light of our breasts and the removal of our woes.”

10. Know that Faith is Experiential

It takes time to experience the different facets of belief. Each mother experiences faith differently, and her spiritual state will be more or less defined by her own cultural influences, educational background, and personality. The beauty of Islam lies in the fact that each one of us carries in her heart an understanding that God is personal, merciful and has perfect knowledge and full control of all affairs. Consequently, each mother should struggle in the ways that best befit the nature of her trials and always seek beneficial knowledge, which will increase her certainty and empower her own struggle.

I heard a sheikh once say, “Islam is bigger than Muslims,” in the sense that there is a place in it for all people with their diverse cultural practices, temperaments, weaknesses and strengths. We should be aware of this great quality of Islam, respect our own individuality, and find opportunities to learn and grow by sharing insights relevant to our unique human experiences while nurturing a strong sense of community.

اللهم ألف بين قلوبنا ، وأصلح ذات بينـنا ، واهدنا سبل السلام

“O Allah reconcile our hearts with love, resolve our broken affairs and guide us towards peace.”

11. Visit the Mosque

Salman Al-Farsi reported: The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever performs ablution well in his home and thereafter comes to the mosque, then he is the guest of Allah and it is a duty upon the host to honor his guest.”

As soon as I enter the mosque, I feel that peace and mercy have descended upon me. My host is generous, always ready to embrace me. It is usually a short visit but I am thankful for this feeling of solace and peace. I always leave uplifted as if the burden of the world has been removed from my chest. Whenever things get stressful, retreat for a short visit to the mosque.

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ فِي قَلْبِي نُورًا وَفِي لِسَانِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي سَمْعِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي بَصَرِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ خَلْفِي نُورًا وَمِنْ أَمَامِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ فَوْقِي نُورًا وَمِنْ تَحْتِي نُورًا اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِنِي نُورًا

“O Allah, place within my heart light and upon my tongue light and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah bestow upon me light.”

12. Navigate your Way with Love

The basic binding force for any family is love. Tranquility, affection and mercy are the pillars through which marital love evolves. Eventually, this love grows to embrace all members of the family.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Despite the struggles and trying nature of relationships, a mother’s role in any form or shape, should always be channeled through the qualities of affection and mercy. Such qualities breed patience and provide a sense of safety and tranquility at home. A safe environment sprung from love breeds a confident young generation with strong moral principles.

وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’” (Qur’an 25:74)

Conclusion

The constant distractions and disorderly nature of the world can become challenging for mothers. An intelligent plan, which is constantly reassessed, modified and personalized, contributes positively to maintaining a sense of peace and calm. I have shared a few suggestions, which make up my personal plan and support my journey as a parent. Those suggestions are by no means comprehensive or work for everyone. Consequently, it is important for each mother to reflect upon her personal struggles and find the appropriate channels through which she can restore balance to her daily routine. However, to ensure a rewarding plan, I suggest that all mothers approach the world and their families through the lens of love and affection and dive into their maternal journeys with noble intentions and ample supplications.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

Life is about the mundane for most of us moms. We wake up early in the morning to a strict schedule of school duty and chores. Many of us juggle between work and household duties, with hardly any support. As a mom, I am constantly looking for windows of opportunities to improve my condition and keep my emotional well-being in check. There are twelve suggestions in this two part series—for my fellow mothers—to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order into it!

1. Master a Skill

Human beings are created with different capabilities and means for ingenuity. It is important to realize those capabilities and cultivate them. I personally find solace and empowerment in writing, as I look forward to harnessing my intellectual energy into an orderly piece of work. Writing has proved to be a great outlet for me. Consequently, I advise mothers to tap into their hidden skills and experience a sense of worth by channeling them into purposeful activities. It is important to pursue and practice skills with the correct intention. Whether it is critical reading, public speaking, sewing, managing charitable events, organizing school activities, sharing professional expertise, or advocating for a cause close to her heart, each mother will find tremendous fulfillment in mastering a unique skill with the intention to create beauty around her and benefit others in her community. Involvement of any sort takes up time and requires that we are time conscious.

اللَّهُم أجعل أعمالى كلها صالحة ولوجهك الكريم خالصة وتقبلها منى ياربنا بقبول حسن

“Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.”Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.

2. Be Time Conscious

Imam Shafi’i radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) is quoted to have said: “Time is like a sword: if you don’t cut it, it will cut you.” Time management is empowerment. It is of essence, especially in planning the course of the day and snatching those few minutes to discover our potential and to rectify our spiritual states. I find myself constantly multitasking, and I am exhausted towards the end of the day. Every mother needs time to take care of her physical and emotional wellbeing; otherwise, she will be overburdened with life’s stressors and eventually lose focus. Plan everyday for some physical activity and attempt to meet a simple goal for self-improvement. A planner always comes in handy, as well as a checklist of goals. More importantly, supplicating for a blessed day, in which time is not squandered and each minute is invested in what is beneficial, makes a big difference. Personalize your morning supplications to reflect your daily objectives. Pray for yourself, family, friends and community.

اللَّهُم اجْعَلْ أَوَّلَ يَوْمِنا هذَا صَلاحَاً، وَأَوْسَطَهُ فَلاحَاً، وَآخِرَهُ نَجاحَاً

“O Allah, make the start of this day amendment, its middle prosperity and its end success.”

3. Be Active and Healthy

Exercise is great in controlling anxiety and general fatigue. Whether it is yoga or walking, engage in the type of exercise that will keep you going for the day.

Being vigilant about diet is equally important. There is a lot of literature on nutrition but a good start is to cut down on processed foods and avoid sugar, except for what originates from fresh fruits and vegetables. The elimination of processed food is key to a wonderful boost of energy. Whatever you do, make baby steps and instill changes gradually. Major changes can cause us to lose interest quickly. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be unto him) said: “By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, the believer is like a bee which eats that which is pure and wholesome and lays that which is pure and wholesome. When it lands on something it does not break or ruin it.” (Ahmad)

The bee approaches the flower with gentleness, takes only the precious nectar, and gives pure honey. Similarly, the believer eats wholesome and pure food and takes his portion without conspicuous consumption. Buzz your way through a daily routine of clean eating, ample gentleness towards the environment, and lots of dhikr (remembrance).

اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَدَنـي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في سَمْـعي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَصَـري ، لا إلهَ إلاّ أَنْـتَ

“O Allah, make me healthy in my body. O Allah, preserve for me my hearing. O Allah, preserve for me my sight. There is none worthy of worship but You.”

4. Invoke Him through Dhikr (Remembrance)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “ There is a polish for everything that takes away rust; and the polish for the heart is the remembrance of Allah.” (Bukhari)

It is out of God’s infinite mercy that He attached rewards to utterances, which exalt Him, even if the one remembering Him does not fully internalize their meaning. Ibn Atallah (ra) beautifully captures the importance of being consistent in remembrance regardless of the state of the heart.

“Do not stop mentioning God just because your heart is not present. Forgetting Him completely is worse than being inattentive (ghaflah) while you are mentioning Him; perhaps He will elevate you from being inattentive to being attentive (yaqatha), and from being attentive to being fully present (hudoor) with Him, and from being fully present with Him to being fully absent from anything but Him.”

“And that is for Allah not difficult.” (Qur’an, 35:17)

I keep a rosary in my car, invoke dhikr, and send prayers to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ any time during the day. Whether you keep count or not, do not abstain from remembrance.

Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “I met Ibrahim on my Night Journey. He said, ‘O Muhammad, convey the greeting from me to your community and tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, ‘Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.’” (al-Tirmidhi) It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi] nd tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi]

سبحان الله، والحمد لله، ولا إله إلا الله، والله أكبر

5. Practice Conscious Contemplation

The Qur’an continuously reinforces the harmony that exists between man and nature. As Muslims, we are encouraged to seek the beauty in creation and ponder upon its signs.

“Have they not looked at the heaven above them – how We structured it and adorned it and [how] it has no rifts?” (Qur’an, 50:6)

“So observe the effects of the mercy of Allah – how He gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. Indeed, that [same one] will give life to the dead, and He is over all things competent.” (Qur’an 30:50)

With our fast-paced lives and continuous visual and auditory distractions, contemplation is a conscious effort, undertaken with the intention to unravel the meanings embedded in the universe. Some of us are exposed to beautiful geography while others seek beauty in natural occurrences. I have incorporated contemplation as part of a playground trip where I observe the beautiful hues of colors that decorate the sky at sunset and direct my child’s attention to the changes in the horizon. The cumulative learning experience is tremendous.

Contemplating creation provides great insight into the rhythmic patterns of nature, heightens the use of our five senses, elevates our level of consciousness and spiritual cognizance. It is an exercise, which drives the hearts to repentance and remembrance as God’s mercy unveils to those who ponder upon His signs.

“Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” (Qur’an, 3:191-192)

رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلاً۬ سُبۡحَـٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

6. Be Grateful

I often have to adjust my perspective and remind myself to be grateful, especially when things get stressful. The disposition of the believer is that of gratitude. The benefits are abundance in provision, patience and optimism. This characteristic is important, because it continues to be eroded in a modern world, which is afflicted with consumerism and instant self-gratification.

AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) embodies the meanings of hamd (praise) and shukr (thankfulness) to the Lord of the animate and inanimate worlds. It leads to gratitude, which transpires through an acknowledgment that He is the only source of all blessing, through a conscious effort not to squander those blessings and an optimism, manifested in an active involvement to mend, improve and engage in good deeds. A strategy that works is to look at those less fortunate and occupy ourselves with charity work. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

“When you see a person who has been given more than you in money and beauty, look to those, who have been given less.” (Muslim)

Jotting down our blessings can be a great daily exercise, which awakens feelings of gratitude. There is nothing more precious for children than to be surrounded by a content mother who verbalizes and practices gratitude.

اللهمَّ لك الحمد حتى ترضى، ولك الحمد إذا رضيت، ولك الحمد بعد الرضا

“O God, all praise is due to You alone until You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone when You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone after You are pleased.”

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part II)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This article is the second part of a series bringing forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as) in Surat Al-Baqara. To read the first 3 lessons, please visit the first part of this series here.

Lesson 4

Translate beneficial knowledge into practice.

“And [mention] when We said to the angels, ‘Prostrate before Adam’; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, ‘O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.’” (Qur’an 2:34-35)

After Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) the names, He then prohibited him and his wife from taking delight in one tree. Adam’s first concrete interaction—with Satan and the ensuing punishment—defined the beginning of his practical experiences. The purpose of the encounter with Satan was to teach Prophet Adam (as) and his wife about the nature of their struggle in the real world. According to Ma’riful Qur’an commentary: “They were warned that their existence on the earth would no longer be full of perpetual bliss as it had been in paradise, but there would be dissension and enmity among men, their progeny, which would spoil the joy of earthly life.” Consequently, Prophet Adam (as) learned that his struggle in the world will be between evil and good, and that evil is weak if he is armed with beneficial knowledge and yaqeen (certainty), the real weapons of the future deputy of God. It is those qualities which will protect his relationship with his Creator and strengthen it.

As the child grows older and reaches the age of discernment and beyond, he develops a moral compass and a concrete understanding of the world which are in line with the theological teachings of Islam (creed). This is the time for parents to give their growing children choices and responsibilities. Through closely supervised experiences, parents expose their children to life’s trying nature as prophet Adam (as) was exposed to the consequences of breaking God’s commandment. Giving children an opportunity to blend into their environments while making mistakes is paramount to their developmental growth and social competence. This is an important phase as the child gains the trust of his parents while he feels their unwavering presence in his life and experiences a practical application of his value system.

Those supervised exposures will support the child in navigating through his future with confidence, as he is able to delineate the boundaries, which define his relationship with his Creator, his relationship with the self, and his relationship with creation.

Lesson 5

Teach the child repentance with mercy and love.

“But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, ‘Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.’ Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an, 2:36-37)

Prophet Adam (as) was afflicted with forgetfulness and ate from the forbidden tree. Thereafter God questioned him and he assumed responsibility for his actions. “And We had already taken a promise from Adam before, but he forgot; and We found not in him determination,” (Qur’an, 20: 115). Adam’s disobedience was not intentional. He grew accustomed to the comforts of paradise, forgot his promise and believed Satan. The lessons, which can be highlighted here, are two.

Firstly, Prophet Adam (as) learned how Allah (swt) reprimands the wrong doer and punishes him. Secondly, he learned how Allah (swt) forgives and reveals His mercy when the disobedient repents. Consequently, Adam’s disobedience was instrumental for him to experience the human quality of wrongdoing and the divine attribute of the merciful and compassionate God. Furthermore, mercy is an adornment of the deputy of God so that he may guide those wrong doers in this world to repentance by seeking their Lord.

Making mistakes is of human nature and contributes to invaluable room for emotional growth as it helps define the relationship that the child has with the self and with the Creator. Prophet Adam’s disobedience presented an opportunity for him to understand his weak self and the necessary mechanism to remedy wrong actions through repentance. He also understood that his relationship with his Creator is fortified through beneficial knowledge, which breeds yaqeen, and obedience to God’s commandments. He also learned that his biggest enemy is forgetfulness. Consequently, teaching children repentance is fundamental, as no human being is infallible as the following hadith (narration) states:

The Prophet ﷺ said: “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if you did not commit sin Allah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sin then pray for forgiveness.” Narrated by Muslim . He ﷺ also said: “Every son of Adam sins and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi)

During this phase of upbringing, parents may find many lessons in Prophet Ya`qub’s ((Jacob)) “responsive” parenting style. ((https://www.virtualmosque.com/society/dawah/prophet-yaqub-a-role-model-father/ )) His (as) wisdom and divine knowledge contributed to shaping Prophet Yusuf’s righteous personality as a child and to his unwavering presence in the lives of Yusuf’s misguided brothers. He (as) continuously called them to repentance though wisdom, patience and good counsel. Therefore , reminding our children so that they do not forget as their father Adam did and showing mercy towards them as Allah (swt) did towards Adam (as) are essential parenting tools to raising the future deputy on earth.

Lesson 6

The Earthly Struggle

“We said, ‘Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.’” (Qur’an, 2:38-39)

Prophet Adam (as) learned the consequences to disobedience; he repented and Allah (swt) opened His door to a world which He created and prepared for him to inhabit as His deputy on earth. Allah (swt) then left Prophet Adam (as) in this world with the complete freedom to fulfill this role and out of His mercy sent prophets as a gift and a reminder.

Consequently, whoever is guided in this world is in essence guided to paradise in the hereafter and whoever forgets and is misguided in this world is in essence misguided from the gift of paradise in the hereafter. God in His infinite mercy provided Adam (as) with the knowledge he needed to struggle in His way, taught him the mechanism of repentance and sent messengers to remind his descendents of the meaning of their existence. Those who fulfill their role of deputyship are the ones who rule with justice, avoid transgressions and follow God’s commandments. Those who corrupt and oppress themselves do not assume that divinely delegated role.

Conclusion

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “Religion is counsel,” (Muslim). Our children are the most entitled to such precious counsel until they take on the role of the deputy of God and struggle on their own to gain the pleasure of their Creator.

The first step in raising the future deputy of God lies in establishing safe environments, which reflect the orderliness and beauty of paradise. Attending to the physical and developmental needs of the child through “responsive” and nurturing parenting is equally important.

Secondly, imparting beneficial knowledge, which caters to the child’s learning needs and his age readiness is fundamental to shaping character, reinforcing values and empowering the child to understand the nature of the world and to overcome the fears bred through ignorance.

Thirdly, supporting the child in experiencing his environment broadens his insight into the nature of the world and provides him with practical application of his value system. Parents’ support must be always channeled through an attitude of love and open communication; they remind the child and reprimand him with mercy and love. Alluding to Prophet Ya’qub’s approach (as) to parenting proves to be a good example here, especially during the adolescent years.

Finally, as the child matures well beyond the age of discernment, parents teach him that his carnal instincts are a blessing if channeled towards what Allah (swt) made permissible. In doing so, he reaps the rewards of this life and the hereafter. They also teach him repentance while remaining steadfast to Allah’s commandments, through a character which manifests moderation and wisdom. Equally important, they teach him that his greatest enemy is forgetfulness if he steers away from God’s religion and that the door of mercy is open until he takes his last breath.

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part I)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

The second chapter of the Qur’an, Surat Al Baqara (The Cow), includes the story of Prophet Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) from the beginning of creation through its unfolding phases. Prophet Adam (as) was the first of creation to take upon himself the role of God’s deputy on earth. God ordered him to depart from paradise only after He nurtured him and equipped him with the proper learning to assume such a responsibility. In the story of the creation of Adam (as) are many lessons for parents who seek to raise their children as the future deputies of God. By reflecting upon the stages and the process through which Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught a fatherless Adam and prepared him for deputyship, it is possible to identify a similar process by which parents can raise righteous children.

It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things. And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, “Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.” They said, “Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?” Allah said, “Indeed, I know that which you do not know.” And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, “Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.” They said, “Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.” He said, “O Adam, inform them of their names.” And when he had informed them of their names, He said, “Did I not tell you that I know the unseen [aspects] of the heavens and the earth? And I know what you reveal and what you have concealed.” And [mention] when We said to the angels, “Prostrate before Adam”; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, “Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.” Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful. We said, “Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.” (Qur’an, 2:29-39)

In this article, we allude to the aforementioned verses of chapter Al Baqara and bring forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as). In each verse are lessons, which carry tremendous meanings and which provide a simple blueprint for parents to follow. We sum those meanings into six lessons; the first three lessons in this first article and the last three lessons in part two.

Lesson 1

Establish family relationships based on trust starting in infancy.

“It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an, 2:29)

In the story of creation, Allah (swt) subjected all of earth’s provisions to the benefit of man and sustained the mechanisms which govern the universe so that His servant feels secure enough to strive in his new environment. He shaped the sky as a roof and prepared the earth to meet the needs of Prophet Adam (as) and his descendants. He created an environment, which man can successfully inhabit and cultivate. This is a great blessing and mercy from God as this preparation preceded the creation of Prophet Adam (as).

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: all that is on the earth means “all kinds of benefits that accrue to man from the earth and its produce.” Consequently, as Allah (swt)—Who is not bound by any obligation—prepared the earth, as a safe dwelling for Prophet Adam, man is obliged to prepare a safe environment, which meets the physical needs of a newborn. ((Please look at the appendage for more on the physical components that contribute to a safe domestic environment for the child. We touch on the four components mentioned in the hadith (tradition of the Prophet): The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation” (Narrated in Ibn Hibban).)) Allah (swt) created this safe environment by providing Prophet Adam (as) with all the physical, intellectual and spiritual nourishment, which will help him struggle in His way. Furthermore, He housed him in paradise, his first home, a dwelling of peace, order and beauty, and it was in that same dwelling that He taught him the names of things. Allah (swt) is surely the nurturer and most merciful.

Undoubtedly, the presence of those qualities in infancy beautifies the domestic life and accentuates its sense of safety and stability as the child grows observing those qualities, internalizing them and eventually exhibits them in every aspect of his life. The importance of providing secure and stable environments in infancy and throughout childhood is key to increasing the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes, which are rooted in “trust.” Such outcomes are also the product of nurturing and “responsive” parenting skills. Western research on early development supports those views. (( Erick Ericson, a psychoanalyst, described the different stages of emotional development in children from infancy through adulthood. He explained that in the early stages of growth, infants form attachment bonds, which flourish in safe environments with responsive caregivers. “A critical emotional struggle in infancy is between trust and mistrust. Emotionally healthy babies come to understand that they have nurturing responsive caregivers who meet their basic needs. They come to view the world as safe and predictable. They enter into trusting relationships with caregivers and, later, with other human beings. Security is another word to describe this emotional state.” Trawick- Smith, J, (2010) Early Childhood Development [a Multicultural perspective] p, 170. Pearson Education. ))

Lesson 2

Allocate time to prepare the family for the arrival of a newborn.

“And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, ‘Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.’ They said, ‘Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?’ Allah said, ‘Indeed, I know that which you do not know.’” (Qur’an 2:30)

According to Tafsir Al Tabari, Allah (swt) revealed to the angels that the purpose of Adam’s creation was to establish His commandments and rule with justice. To prepare the angels to meet Adam (as) and recognize his honorable status with His Lord, Allah (swt) delivered the news that He will establish a deputy on earth. According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: “Allah did not mean to seek the advice of the angels, nor was there any need for it, but He, in His wisdom, gave a mere statement in the form of a consultation in order to teach men the advisability of mutual consultation.” Similarly, when parents communicate with family members about the arrival of a newborn, they strengthen family bonds and promote an environment of mutual respect. Furthermore, they instill the love necessary for that child to grow in a safe environment by showing gratitude and contentment, especially through the practice of `aqiqa (the sacrifice of a goat or lamb following the birth of a child). This practice, which is a confirmed Sunnah (the practice of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him) to the majority of the school of Islamic jurisprudence, facilitates the gathering of all family members and friends to bless and welcome the newborn in an environment tempered with love and joy.

Lesson 3

Educate the child through beneficial knowledge.

“And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, ‘Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.’ They said, ‘Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.’” (Qur’an 2:31-32)

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary, “Teaching Adam the names meant that Allah taught him the properties and qualities of all that exists, animate and inanimate.” According to the Shaarawy, the method through which Allah (swt) taught Prophet Adam (as) is identical to the one, which human beings still adopt, in teaching language. Adults begin teaching children the names of objects so that they are able to build meaning and share them. Therefore, knowledge is a gift from God so that man understands his physical environment and the divine laws, which he must follow, and then teaches those meanings to his descendants. ((Inculcating knowledge in a formal setting starts at the age of seven as Ali ibn Abi Talib, radiAllahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) advised us: play with your children till the age of 7, discipline and teach them from the age of 7 to 14 and befriend them at the age of 14 and over.))

Knowledge is of two types: knowledge of the sacred and knowledge of the physical world. To gain access to the beneficial knowledge in both types, it is imperative that parents are God-conscious since Allah (swt) is the All-knowing and He bestows knowledge upon those who are mindful of Him. It is this type of beneficial knowledge, which translates into good deeds and brings human beings closer to God.

“And fear Allah. And Allah teaches you. And Allah is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

Consequently, Taqwa (righteousness; goodness) is the foundation for pursuing knowledge. Parents, who instill this quality in their children at an early stage, while taking into account their age readiness, abilities and diverse learning needs, are literally shaping the character of the future deputy on earth. Prophet Adam (as) experienced closeness to His Lord through that direct learning. In essence, Allah (swt) was his first teacher and He is the One Who taught and nurtured all His prophets and continues to do so with His believing servants. Our role, combined with the efforts of an effective and enthusiastic teacher, is indispensable in inculcating in our children the comparable knowledge which they need to struggle as conscientious and upright individuals in this world. Again, parents and teachers should impart knowledge in a safe environment and facilitate the necessary channels for the child to voice his opinion and seek further inquiry.

Appendage

In an attempt to provide a practical description of the basic needs of all infants for safe environments and domestic happiness, we will briefly touch on each of the components mentioned in the following hadith (narration). The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation.” The Prophet ﷺ taught us that if we are aware of those four components then the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes increases (narrated by Ibn Hibbaan in his Saheeh).

1. The Righteous Wife

Religion is the comprehensive factor, which provides the moral framework, for all women, through which they can beautify their characters as independent and intelligent human beings and responsible mothers. The righteous wife raises her children to be morally conscientious and instills in them the values, which will help them carry their responsibilities as the future deputies of God. No wonder it was one of the components, which the Prophet brought to our attention and which will contribute to domestic happiness if present in the life of a newborn.

2. A Spacious Dwelling

And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” (Qur’an, 2:35)

Allah (swt) chose paradise as the first home for his first deputy Adam and He chose the essential characteristics that are most befitting for such a dwelling. Similarly, parents should arrange the newborn’s home to encompass those qualities of peace, calm and beauty, which are essential qualities of Paradise.

Abu Huraira reported that Gabriel came to Allah’s Apostle ﷺ and said: “Allah’s Messenger, lo. Khadija is coming to you with a vessel of seasoned food or drink. When she comes to you, offer her greetings from her Lord, the Exalted and Glorious, and on my behalf and give her glad tidings of a palace of jewels in Paradise wherein there is no noise and no toil.” (Muslim)

From the above hadith, we learn that paradise is an abode of peace and serenity where man does not tire or labor. Additionally, in paradise, Angels do not cease to worship their Lord and praise Him. Those Words of Praise were the first utterances that Adam (as) heard and worship was the first action, which his eyes encountered. By analogy, we can say that it befits parents to expose the unborn child to such utterances and to have his eyes encounter worship upon birth; thus, following in the footsteps of his father Adam (as). We also know the importance of supplication for a righteous child through Prophet Zechariah’s prayer (as) to Allah (swt) that He grants him a righteous child. Allah (swt) answered his prayer and granted him Yahya (as), who was born into a world of worship, while hearing his father’s perpetual prayers in the womb.

At that, Zechariah (as) called upon his Lord, saying, “My Lord, grant me from Yourself a good offspring. Indeed, You are the Hearer of supplication.” So the angels called him while he was standing in prayer in the chamber, “Indeed, Allah gives you good tidings of John, confirming a word from Allah and [who will be] honorable, abstaining [from women], and a prophet from among the righteous.”(Qur’an 3:38-39)

Finally, Prophet Adam (as) witnessed the beauty of paradise as a peaceful abode with spacious gardens filled with trees, streams and a gentle breeze. This beauty is a mere reflection of the beauty of the Creator and the deserving reward of the believers. Beautifying our environments is consequently part of our faith so are the blessings of order, tranquility and safety at home. It is the right of the child to feel that his home is his paradise as Prophet Adam (as) experienced this perfect dwelling first-hand. Consequently, the child leaves his home feeling an appreciation for such values and thrives to embrace them in all aspects of his life.

3. The Good Neighbor

Ibn `Umar and `Aishah (ra) reported: Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Jibril kept recommending treating neighbors with kindness until I thought he would assign a share of inheritance.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The Prophet ﷺ mentioned the good neighbor regardless of his faith because of his physical proximity. Neighbors seek help from each other and share joyful and sad moments together. A good neighbor influences our child in immeasurable ways. The child may see in him/her a good role model.

Al Hasan Al Basri (ra) was asked, “Who is a neighbor?” He answered: “Your neighbors are forty houses ahead of you and forty houses to your back, and forty houses to your right and forty houses to your left.” This hadith gives us an impression of how important it is to have a sense of community in our neighborhoods so that a child is nurtured in a compassionate and safe environment, where neighbors interact in unison. The Prophet ﷺ explains that state of unison when he brings forth the example of the strength, which is measured by the unity of the believers. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The example of the believers in their mutual love and mercy is like the example of a body. If one part feels pain, then all of it is affected by sickness and fever.”

Choosing the appropriate neighbourhood, which will give our children a sense of security and belonging, while exposing them to healthy social interactions, will surely enhance their social competence and emotional well-being.

4. A Sound Means of Transportation

A sound means of transportation, through which parents manage daily chores, is another factor which contributes to a family’s level of happiness and comfort. Each child has educational, physical and medical needs, and Allah (swt) has subjected transportation as a means to fulfill those needs. The concept of transportation today is not limited to the physical movement through the car or the plane but also refers to the journey which each child experiences through educational tools such as books, social media and the internet. Transportation whether through physical movement or an educational journey is an important tool in cultivating the child and exposing him to the reality of the world. Only after he is able to move freely will the child be able to internalize the nature of this life, understand its reality and grow up to fulfill his role as God’s deputy.

Allah (swt) brought Adam (as) into this world only after He taught him the names. “He taught Adam the names” so that he does not succumb to the fears associated with ignorance and He equipped him with the weapon of knowledge so that Adam (as) may make the world a better place. The freedom of physical and intellectual exploration, under the parents’ supervision, exposes the child to the beneficial knowledge, which he needs to understand his own world and consequently assign things around him their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important nor venerating what is worthless.

(c) Rehan Shaikh

Originally posted in September 2012.

At the risk of aging myself, in the 90’s, the term “unplugged” referred to a show where artists musically entertained a small audience without the aid of electric instruments.  These days however, when families are encouraged to go “unplugged” they are persuaded to spend time together free of “electronic distractions” or as my older brother, an electrical engineer, says, “e-distractions,” for short.  Such distractions include the myriad of miniature instant gratification devices otherwise known as Nintendo DS’s, iPods, tablets, phones, not to mention larger distractions, like television, gaming consoles such as Wii, Xbox, etc., and the classic home computer.  We all know the merits of quality family time on a real-time basis, but the question is: how?

First, it is important to understand the ramifications of the entire family’s increased relationship with electronics.  Studies show that family bonds are weakening since members are spending more screen time and less face time.  Children and adults alike are losing the ability to engage in small talk and are gaining an increased apathy towards others.  An increased desire for visual stimulation and a decreased attention span are also compelling reasons to push for familial electronic time-outs.  Feelings of detachment of family members from one another leads to an increased reliance on comfort in superficial “e-relationships” and fleeting moments of gratification from Facebook posts, game console victories, and endless text conversations.

To console those who enjoy the above-mentioned activities, this article is not intended to condemn them.  Instead, it is meant to point out the importance of giving our technological toys a “time-out” and to tune-in to the family on a consistent basis.  The beauty of this concept is that every family, regardless of its size, can custom make a “reconnect plan” of their own.

For example, consider setting guidelines for the family, which include times where technology use is not allowed.  Such times can include family meals, a specific hour in the evening, or better yet, an entire day of the week.  For some of you, the mere thought of spending more than a few minutes away from your tablet or phone causes increased anxiety.  Sadly enough, this is now documented as a new disorder called “cell phone separation anxiety disorder,” where sufferers experience increased anxiety if they are away from their phones.  Yes, separation from instant gratification devices can be painful, but like lower primates, we can be trained to return to our natural e-distraction free state.  We have to re-learn basic skills like getting over boredom, engaging with others in a meaningful conversation, touching dirt and looking for bugs, and even having to talk to our parents’ out-of-town guests or long lost relatives.

Now, you may ask, how can we accomplish such a feat when toddlers, teens, and adults have become inseparable from their various screens?  First, give before you take away.  A classic concept in discipline is to replace an undesirable habit with a desirable one.  Simply said, provide fun alternatives for your family.  I have heard parents complain that their children only want to play on their electronic devices all day long.  Yet these same parents do not spend the time to take their children to the park, play a board game with them, let alone purchase such games, or even make the effort to engage their family members in an interesting discussion.

Below are some easy, family re-connect ideas.  But be forewarned, you will receive resistance from at least some of your family members.  Even the adults!  One key to the success of Operation Unplug and Re-Connect is to first discuss with your family guidelines to be followed.  Come up with a Re-connect plan that outlines how often you wish to have family time, e-distraction free.  For example, smaller or younger families may wish to have such times once a day.  Busier families, on the other hand may be content with a once-a-week schedule.  Next, have your family discuss activities that at least most members can agree upon.

Re-Connect Ideas

• Plan a family camping trip (a Mulla absolute favorite!).
• Go for a picnic at the beach or park and pack everyone’s favorite treat.
• Go outdoors and discover your surroundings. See who can find the most living things in 5 minutes.
• Engage your family in a discussion (if you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?).
• Go for a walk (some family members need more of a temptation like walking to an ice-cream or coffee shop).
• Play a board game.
• Look at family photos and reminisce.
• Divide and conquer if necessary: Play ball with some and play building blocks with others.

The bottom line is adding meaningful family quality time to our life, minus the electronic devices.  We would see healthier home lives and more well-rounded members of the community.  Changing familial habits is not easy, but well-worth it.  Unplug, re-connect, be patient, and enjoy.

To my dearest daughter,

As a mother, there is so much that I wish I could teach you from my experiences. And I constantly worry that I will not be able to do so; that I will fail to teach you the most important of life lessons, getting caught up in the grind of everyday happenings. I also fear I will not be able to protect you from all the harms and hurts that will come your way. At times I wish I could build a shield, hug you tightly in my arms and never let you go. And yet I know that one day, this bundle of joy in my arms will grow up. She will leave the nest and go face the world. And I also know, deep in my heart, that every good, bad, ease, hardship, pain and joy that comes your way is not in my control and never will be.  All I can do is help prepare you for this journey we call life. So if there is one lesson I wish I could teach you about life, it is this:

Don’t let your source of happiness be the externals in your life. Rather, let your sense of happiness derive from the internal, that is, within yourself.

It is true; there are many external things that will give you happiness. Toys, new clothes and shoes, yummy food, mouthwatering desserts, vacations, hanging out with friends, love from your parents, a new room, a fabulous job, admission to a prestigious university, your life partner and your children. All these things will undoubtedly bring much joy to your life, insha’Allah (God willing). However, what one needs to realize is that all these things are temporary, and hence the pleasure they cause is also temporary. Those very same friends who brought so much laughter into your life may one day move away from you and get busy with their own lives. That cake on which you were happily munching will finish. That new room/house you were excitedly decorating will get old. That spouse whose words made your heart melt with joy will say words that will make your heart ache with pain. Those same people who were admiring and praising you yesterday will be criticizing you tomorrow. Those parents who showered you with love and care will also scold you, discipline you and one day, they will die, leaving you feeling broken and empty.

Such is the nature of this world. It is a roller coaster ride. The more your happiness depends upon places, things and people, the more disappointed you will be. Why? Because the very things upon which you are depending are temporary and imperfect by nature. So what should one do? Lose all hope and thrive on hopelessness? No, the answer is for us to have hopes in the being that is perfect, free from flaw, the ever-living, the best of helpers. And that, my dear daughter, is Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). He alone will help you when all else fails. He alone knows your fears and will remove those fears from your heart. He alone knows the number of teardrops you have shed and why.  He alone will respond to your calls whenever you call upon Him. He alone will love you unconditionally even when you have messed up. He alone will forgive you, even when you do not deserve to be forgiven. He alone will continue to care for you even when you have forgotten Him. He alone will heal your heart, when the world has broken it.

Whoever holds on tightly to Allah (swt) has held on to the best of handholds. Such a person will never feel lost, alone or scared.

Your strongest weapon in this world, my beloved daughter, is the light of iman (faith) in your heart. It is this light which should be your source of happiness. Trust me. You will be able to face all kinds of situations and circumstances, even the most difficult of them, with happiness and ease, if you make Allah (swt) your source of happiness. This is the path to ultimate peace and joy.

This article is a  response to the letter “From the Youth” that was previously published on this site.

Dear H.M.,

You spoke from your heart, and it reached ours. Your voice is needed, desperately. We need to hear your thoughts; we will always recognise your voice—keep using it. Keep your heart open a little longer, for this is a dialogue: we need to speak to each other.

We never imagined it would be this hard for you, or for us. At your birth, we photo-shopped our minds: erased historical prejudices, airbrushed away cultural biases and brightened the picture, sharpened the faith-filled focus and patched together the best environment we could to receive and nurture you. We never expected that you would have to deal with this much, beyond your and our control.

You are never far. Your ‘being’, your challenges, your hurdles, your triumphs, the hope in your eyes are always at the front of our minds.

Yes, you are the pulse of our hearts. Without you though, we do exist. We are individuals with the same fire, passions, doubts and insecurities as you have; we have just learnt to live with them. You are a part of us, but not a reflection of us; just as we are not reflected in you – entirely. Yes, we share a symbiotic relationship; we have ties that transcend all, a bond that defies words and logic. But do not make the mistake of thinking our efforts are reflected in you anymore than a farmer who has toiled and sweat over his seedlings has any control over a storm that sweeps away all the blossoms he nurtured painstakingly. The result does not reflect the effort. On this journey of nurturing you, we have come to know, and then believe, that our efforts—flawed and patchy though they may be—are not the whole picture. We toil together, and we pray earnestly for your success, and yes, together that defines the future.

Seek us, hear us, friend us.

Your digital world is one we have held the hand of from its inception. Year by year, we walked with each new stage, stepping up to the next feature, exchanging our pen, paper and payphone world for the keyboard. So, while we may have tired from chasing and subscribing to every new platform, it is not because we can’t understand, but because we have made choices. Choices. We make choices to stay in control of our lives. All our admonitions, clashes and unwanted advice are because we want you to have the freedom of choice over the most valuable asset you have: your time. We understand technology, and we also understand enslavement. Sincere advice: break free. Look into the eyes of those close to you, walk with them beside a real sunset: face their face. We are here to help you, but we can’t do it alone. You have to want to live beyond the screen.

We are home too. Born on this soil, the same as you, we have muddled along with labels: native, foreign, country of origin, motherland – bewildered and lost. We too have walked a similar path to yours, step by step. A path lined with an aching desire to belong somewhere completely, walking this way and that, and finding we belong neither here, nor over there – our parents’ country. We had to make this our home. Ever since you have appeared, we have been working brick by brick, value by value, dialogue after dialogue to make this, here, now, a comfortable home for your identity. We have made mistakes. We have inherited other mistakes. At times we have had our ‘home-making’ efforts thwarted by those who want to see discord and divisions. But, between the earth under our feet and the skies above, we have tried and continue to try to be at home, with you here. Even though there are days when the heart aches and calls out: ‘where is home? I want to go home…’ Maybe we have fallen into the ‘gap’; neither belonging to the minaret skyline of our parents, nor feeling accepted in the urban jungles we survive in. Four decades to think over this has taught us a valuable lesson: that we truly are travellers, resting in the shade for a while. Transient. We want you to find comfort, acceptance, and joy, and to contribute to the land you are born in. It is a work in progress, for all of us…

There is no blame, no shame in learning to love Islam. Your honesty is what matters. It is from honesty with your nafs (self), that the love will grow from within. From the outside you are bombarded by all the messages of what Islam is not. We could only protect you from this to a point. If we could quiet the cacophony we would. Search from the inside, and you will find faith in the faith that will bring you peace.

We have faith in you. You are part of this planet’s future, a better future. Walk your own path as we did. When you fall, as we did, take responsibility for it. Privilege and responsibility go hand in hand. If we are your roots, then do not sever us. Many people will cross your path and tug you this way and that. As your stem is pulled, deep below, you do not see the indescribable pain we feel, fearing a severance. Standing firm is staying grounded. We will anchor you.

We do not see our paths as growing apart, rather, we rejoice in the novel, superior paths some of you are showing us. We are proud of those paths built by gems who have risen above the clamour and created highways to bridge the chasms…and gaps.

Do not be confined by a gap. Come out into the meadow and flourish.

I am in a complex situation with my parents and the girl to whom I want to get married. What should I do, as this situation is very difficult for me? My parents disapprove of the girl because of cultural issues, not Islamic ones, so I don’t see anything wrong with proceeding to marry her. What do I do?

Photo: Ricky Thakrar

Answer:

It sounds like you are struggling with what you want and what your parents want for your life, and trying to figure out how to proceed is a difficult process. The challenges faced by couples who “go against their parents’ wishes” can be manifold and broad. Since I don’t know the details of you and your family, I will speak generally and share different possibilities.

1. Your parents may threaten to disown you or not come to the wedding. In this instance, I remind couples that the spouse who is “giving up their family” to get married can be put in a difficult situation, because this idea will always linger in the marriage – one person sacrificed so much for the other. This can either bring you closer together (i.e. ‘us against the world’) or cause tension (‘look what I sacrificed for you’), and these thoughts may come up when conflict ensues in your relationship. You two will need to explore your feelings about this.
2. If your family is opposed to the marriage, then you will not be able to approach them for emotional support during your marriage, since they may have an “I told you so” approach to your difficulties. You are on your own. Depending on the extent of your family’s disapproval, it may affect the amount of time you spend with them in the future.
3. Grandchildren. Your parents may limit their relationship with your children if they don’t have a good relationship with you and your wife – or they may interfere in your parenting practices, since they don’t respect the choices you and your wife have made.
4. If you find comfort and approval of the marriage with your wife’s parents, then you may develop a closer relationship with them and thus receive the support you need. This may relieve stress you feel when raising a family together.

I invite you to ask yourself the following questions:

• Will my parents approve of anyone I introduce to them? Why or why not?
• What are their expectations? Why?
• What are my parents’ fears in this situation?
• Why do I want to marry her? Is it a choice that is best for me and what I want?
• How will I proceed and take responsibility for my choices?

May Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) guide you to what is best.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

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By Marwa Abdalla

I remember the joy I felt when my first-born daughter was born. The joy I felt when I saw her first smile, heard her first laugh, and watched her learn to crawl and then walk. Indescribable joy. However, I also remember sitting up in bed after putting her to sleep with a knot in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. My husband looked puzzled. “I just hate feeling like I’m not doing anything,” I said.  Not doing anything? He looked at me, even more puzzled, and said, “But you do so much, masha’Allah!” However, I wasn’t referring to the number of stories I had read or the spoonfuls of baby food I had offered. I was referring to the void I had inside because as a full-time mother, I felt unaccomplished, like I was selling myself short, because my contributions were not in the areas of life that society had taught me truly mattered.

I had chosen to stay home from work with my daughter because I sincerely felt that was what was best for her and for me. It was not an easy decision. Actually, it may have been the most difficult decision I had made in my life up until that point. And though I won’t go into the various factors my husband and I looked at in making the decision, I will say that many options were considered. After praying much istikhara (a specific prayer asking for guidance), I decided that not only did I prefer to be with my daughter, but that this was, in my situation, the way I could best serve Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) at that time. Days, weeks, and months passed, and I valued greatly the moments I had with my baby girl. As she grew, I felt very thankful to be able to witness her amazing progress masha’Allah. In my mind, I knew I had made the right decision.

But in my heart, I still often had these overwhelming feelings of sadness, shame, and guilt. Not “post-baby blues,” as some call it. No, this was something else. Until I had my daughter, I was a young woman who had, by the Grace of Allah, excelled both academically and in various leadership activities. In high school I had been voted “Most Likely to Change the World.”  Why did I feel now as a mother that I wasn’t doing anything as compared to when I was earning a professional degree or a paycheck?

I initially thought this was my own neurotic problem. However, I was surprised to find other mothers, those who stayed home and even those who went back to work or school, sharing the same feelings with the regards to the time they spent taking care of their children. “Oh, I’m just a mom,” one young mother said, almost embarrassed, when someone asked her if she was working. Just a mom? That’s when I knew something really was wrong—and it wasn’t just with me. Why did it seem so many mothers were struggling with their own self-worth and the need to feel “accomplished” in other areas of life as they raised their young children?

Allah Almighty tells us in the Qur’an,

“For indeed, it is not eyes that are blinded, but blinded are the hearts which are within the breasts.” (Qur’an, 22:46)

It seemed my heart had become blinded from celebrating motherhood, understanding its value and being proud of my role as a mother. I had become convinced (though I wasn’t sure what that conviction was based on) that my self-worth and value came primarily from my abilities to work outside the sphere of domesticity.  But how? I considered myself a well-educated woman, well-versed in American popular culture who, as a young adult, became a student of Islam. I certainly had not expected to have this battle waging inside of me. Moreover, I was surprised to find this was a battle fought in the hearts of many other mothers.

And so I pressed on, obsessed with understanding feelings I couldn’t always explain but determined not to see myself as just a mom. I wanted to celebrate being a mom and thank Allah (swt) for that blessing, not feel burdened, resentful and unappreciative. And so I read as much as I could on the topic, talked with other mothers, and I prayed to Allah for guidance, for I knew that only He could give my heart the comfort it needed. Then, only slowly, was the proverbial wool lifted—from both my eyes and my heart.

As human beings, we have many basic needs and one of those is the need for validation—the feeling that we are appreciated and are contributing somehow to those around us. Allah (swt) has given us countless ways of filling this need—through contributions to family, community and work, just to name a few. However, in the last hundred and fifty years, somewhere along the way between industrialization and the women’s rights movement, the contributions made by a mother to her family took the back seat to those made in other areas of life—the job of creating a home for a child and developing his or her capabilities became equated with “doing nothing” (Crittenden 2001). I realized I had been trained by society—even by many Muslims in society—to see the act of mothering, this noble act that has benefited humanity for centuries, as something trivial that I should be doing on the side, along the way, as an extra, and that my real importance was in how successful I was at other things—work, professional life, and community involvement.

British author, George Orwell, once said, “We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.”  As true as this may have been during Orwell’s lifetime—he died in 1950—it seems even more so in our contemporary discussions about motherhood. We need to re-train ourselves to see the obvious. Because it seems that hidden in all the political correctness that dictates our conversations about motherhood (after all, who in their right mind would dare say that women should be proud of taking care of their children!), a simple truth has been observed: A baby or young child needs a to be loved, cared for and nurtured by a person who is as invested in him or her as a mother would be. They need it as much as they need food, exercise and sunshine. It’s not just good for them, but vital. Whether or not people other than the child’s mother can fulfill this role is up to each family to decide, but I would argue that few true “replacements” are readily available for mothers. This relationship, more than any other, teaches humans the very care, empathy, and love that make us, well, human. Without it, we all suffer. That doesn’t mean that mothers cannot work. It doesn’t mean that fathers cannot be involved in a very real way in their babies’ and children’s care. Those are decisions each family must make for itself after evaluating its own unique circumstances. What it does mean, however, is that a mother who chooses to stay home shouldn’t feel guilty, as if she has given up her ability to make positive contributions to society. She shouldn’t feel like she is just a mother.

And so the end of this story is really the beginning: I now have three daughters, alhamdulilLah (praise be to God), and I am still re-training myself, despite what society may tell me, to see that I am a good woman, a successful woman when being a mother to my children. I am re-training myself to see that motherhood is not some oppressive job that I should necessarily leave to someone else. It is, in fact, a very commendable job for any woman who chooses it, and should be celebrated as much as any other role I take on in life. I am re-training myself to see the trials and tribulations I face as a mother not as effort wasted, but as opportunities through which to gain reward and draw closer to Allah (swt). And though I try my best to continue to grow at a personal level, and do hope to continue my career once my children are grown, I am re-training myself to live in the moment, to appreciate that the sometimes selfless things I do now to take care of my children are not going unnoticed or unacknowledged, for Allah (swt) sees and records all things. And lest I forget, I have simply to turn to the Qur’an and Sunnah, my compass and guide, which contain countless ayat (verses) and ahadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, peace be upon him) about the importance of mothers, and then simply pray that my heart continue to see the beautiful truth that exists there.

Bibliography:

Cook, Peter. Mothering Denied: How Our Culture Harms Women, Infants, and Society. Cook, 2009. 

Crittenden, Ann. The Price of Motherhood.  Henry Holt and Co. New York, 2001.

Muehlenberg, Bill. The Importance of Mothers, Accessed Online at http://www.billmuehlenberg.com/2009/05/05/the-importance-of-motherhood/, Jan. 2012