Originally published in November 2011

Question: Is marital rape allowed in Islam?

Answer: As salaamu alaykum,

Thank you for asking this important question which has come to the fore in recent times, and which has been the cause of confusion for many people. Here are some important points to take into consideration when learning about this issue:

• It is absolutely haram (unlawful) for a man to harm his wife. The Prophet ﷺ prohibited harming others in general,¹ and intensified that prohibition for harming other believers.² If one is taught to hold ordinary people – with whom one shares no special relationship – in such sanctity, then what of the person one is linked to in the “weighty, serious bond” of marriage (Qur’an 4:21); who is one’s “garment” (2:187), and who lives under one’s ri’aaya, care and shepherdship, as mentioned in a prophetic tradition?³ Allah has described marriage as a relationship of kindness, mercy and love (30:21), and commands men to deal with their wives in an honorable way (4:19). Rape, abuse, ill treatment, and inflicting harm – be it physical, verbal or psychological – are completely unacceptable in such a relationship.
• It is true that the contract of marriage grants a husband the right to intimacy with his wife, and vice versa, however, this does not imply that one can seek to obtain this right violently or forcefully. Just as in any situation in which one has been deprived of one’s due rights, one must go through the proper channels to resolve the matter in a just and honorable way. At no time does it become permissible for someone to take it upon themselves to harm the other party in a misguided attempt to ‘take their right’. This would amount to a type of vigilantism or seeking of personal vengeance that has no place in Islamic tradition, in which we are taught to defer such disputes to those with religious and legal authority. This is clearly indicated in the words of the great scholar Taqi al-Din al-Subki, in his commentary on some verses of the Qur’an related to marriage:

“At the time when it becomes obligatory for a husband to provide financial support, clothing, (and other such provisions) for his wife, he should exert himself in doing so, and not be negligent in this duty such that his wife would have to file a complaint of his negligence with the judge [haakim], and in so doing spend from her own expenditures. …Similarly, a wife should be responsive to her husband’s request for intimacy, such that he would not need to bring a complaint (against her) to the judge, and in so doing spend from his own expenditures.”⁴

From these statements we see that a husband’s or wife’s proper recourse, when confronted with a marital issue they are unable to resolve, is to turn to the appropriate authority for guidance and direction. Violence or force of any kind is not an option.

• People often defend such behavior by citing prophetic traditions that strongly discourage women from refusing their husbands if they approach them for intimacy. While these texts underscore the importance of a wife fulfilling her spouse’s sexual needs (a reminder the Prophet ﷺ gave to men in a number of statements as well,⁵) they cannot be used to justify force. One such text goes on to describe the husband as one who, after being refused, “goes to bed angry.”⁶ If it were truly acceptable for a man to force himself on his wife, why wasn’t such an act mentioned here as a viable alternative to his wife’s refusal?
• Some people also seek to confuse this issue by citing the verses in the Qur’an that outline a disciplinary method of dealing with a wife who is nashiz.^{7 8} These verses are probably among the most misunderstood, misused and misapplied of the Qur’an in our times, and must be understood in their proper exegetical context. Since an in-depth explanation of these verses is beyond the scope of this article, it will be sufficient to state that darb – which is often translated as ‘to strike lightly or tap’ – has been strictly defined by our scholars and has numerous restrictions and conditions.⁹ From among them is that it is done in a manner that would not cause humiliation or harm to the person, and that it is only done when it is a means of helping reconcile between the spouses, and is not a cause of resentment, enmity or hatred between them.¹⁰ It is impossible for such verses – whether looked at lexically, exegetically, or otherwise – to be used to excuse violent or forced sexual relations with one’s wife. Dr. Jamal Badawi succinctly rejects these types of false claims by stating,

“Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any Muslim can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Qur’an or hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person(s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet.”¹¹

• Though marital rape would not warrant a hadd punishment¹² in accordance to Shari`ah, this in no way means that such an act is acceptable or that it would go unpunished by an Islamic court. Some people mistakenly believe that the hadd punishments are the only ones that exist in Islamic law, but that is not the case.  Even if an act does not fall into one of the specified categories for hadd punishment, a qadi [judge] still has the right to punish the person with imprisonment, corporal punishment (lashing), or anything else he deems suitable for the situation, the crime committed and the guilty individual (which is called zajr or ta’zeer).¹³ Some scholars even state that a wife who has been assaulted in such a manner by her spouse has the right to jirah, or civil redress, for her injuries.¹⁴
• Some scholars condemn such an assault as sinful and despicable while at the same time deeming it inappropriate to be labeled as ‘rape’. This is because of the presumption of consent implicit in the legal contract of marriage. It is important to note that such statements are not intended to condone the behavior, but are simply an expression of legal exactness. When taking such a case into consideration, scholars would not base a punishment on the sexual act itself, but on the harms, both psychological and physical, that stem from it. Such an assault – however it is labeled – is still considered by scholars to be unacceptable, sinful, and susceptible to punishment.
• If a man finds his wife unreceptive to his overtures of intimacy, he should put in some effort to be attentive, affectionate, and kind to his wife, and to fulfill the numerous recommendations the Prophet ﷺ made in regards to intimacy. Such problems may also be symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship that need to be resolved. One should always take an introspective, constructive, and proactive approach to dealing with problems, focusing first on how one can change one’s own behavior to improve the situation, instead of simply blaming the other party or seeking to ‘punish’. It may also be necessary to seek counseling and advice from others who have expertise in these matters.
• An individual who engages in assault and abuse of any kind, especially towards family members, shows signs of underlying psychological problems that need to be treated. There is no level of frustration, anger, or overwhelming grievances – no matter how legitimate they may seem – that pardons such dehumanizing and callous behavior.

I hope these points have shed some light on this issue, and have made it clear that marital rape is not allowed or condoned by our deen, and is in fact a sinful act that a person can be held accountable for in this life, before the hereafter. In the very first verse in the chapter of the Qur’an entitled “Women”, Allah Most High warns us to be fearful of Him in demanding our rights upon each other. He in fact warns us to be fearful of Him twice in this verse, a sign of the seriousness with which we should take such matters:

“O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from a single soul and created from it its mate, and dispersed from both of them countless men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you demand your mutual rights, and (reverence) the wombs that bore you: Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer.” (Qur’an, 4:1)

In conclusion, the Prophet ﷺ taught, “Only a noble man treats women in an honorable manner and only an ignoble man of low character treats women disgracefully.”¹⁵ May Allah make us people of noble character, who fear God in our dealings with others and who weigh our deeds and words well before they are weighed for us on the Day of Judgment.

Allah knows best.

By Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

• Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
• Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
• Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
• Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
• Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
• Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
• Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
• Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
• Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
• Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
• Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
• Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere. 

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

_____________________________________________________________________

Sources:

http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org

Your website gives a lot of info on domestic violence, defined as abuse between couples, but what about child abuse? Do you have any articles or resources on that? I really need them. I suffer from PTSD, ADD, depression, and anxiety because of intense physical abuse and emotional neglect. Can you please help me? I have a therapist who is very good and also spiritual, but he cannot provide for the Islamic component.

Answer: 

Child abuse can be a form of domestic violence. According to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), child maltreatment is defined as:

“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”

Child abuse includes non-accidental physical injury, neglect, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Although any of the forms of child abuse may occur separately, they often occur in combination. ((Prevent Child Abuse: http://www.preventchildabuse.org/about_us/faqs.shtml))

In the United States, each year more than one million children are confirmed by child protective services to be victims of child abuse and neglect, and every day, a minimum of three children die as a result. Violence in the home is a major factor that contributes to child abuse and neglect. ((Lung, C. T. and D. Daro. 1996. Current trends in child abuse reporting and fatalities: The results of the 1995 annual fifty state survey. Chicago, IL: National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse.))

Islam is very clear about the importance of establishing peaceful and healthy family relationships. The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) taught us to be gentle with children, and there are numerous examples from his life that demonstrate his love and compassion for young people. For example, we know that he would greet his children affectionately, play with them, and listen to them.

Unfortunately, child abuse and neglect can lead to a variety of mental health problems, as you’ve shared with us. The good news is that you are seeking therapy. A therapist does not have to be Muslim to help you heal, but it may help to provide your therapist with information about your faith and share resources about Islam and mental health.

You may find some of the following articles/websites helpful for yourself and your therapist:

Child Abuse and the Muslim Community:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2010/06/27/child-abuse-the-muslim-community/

Forgiving Your Parents & Learning to Move On:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2012/04/29/forgiving-your-parents-learning-to-move-on/

Project Sakinah: http://www.projectsakinah.org/

Peaceful Families Project: http://www.peacefulfamilies.org/index.php

FaithTrust Institute: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/articles/Advocating-for-Muslim-Child.pdf

Counseling Muslims: http://www.routledgementalhealth.com/counseling-muslims-9780415988605

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

In honor of October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Amal Killawi interviewed Salma Abugideri about her work with domestic violence and the Peaceful Families Project.

Tell us about the Peaceful Families Project.

The Peaceful Families Project was founded in 2000 by Sharifa Alkhateeb, as a result of a survey she conducted to determine the prevalence of domestic violence among Muslims in the United States. She passed away in 2004, but she left behind a legacy—may God have mercy on her soul.

The goal of PFP is to end domestic violence in Muslim families through prevention, to educate people about the prevalence of domestic violence and to use Islamic teachings and values to address attitudes that might either tolerate domestic violence or encourage it.

We believe very strongly that change from our community has to come from within our own Islamic paradigm, and so we’ve based all of our trainings and materials on that belief.

What is the rate of domestic violence in the American Muslim community?

Domestic violence includes all forms of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and spiritual.  Based on the few studies that we have about Muslims in America, we know that 12-18% of Muslims in the United States experience physical abuse, and 30-40% experience emotional abuse. Readers can refer to the 2009 SoundVision survey for example.  Compare these statistics to the well-known fact that 1 in 4 women in the general American population are affected or will be affected by domestic violence at some point in their lifetime. I also come across information of approximately one domestic violence fatality each month in the Muslim community.  My guess is that the numbers are higher because fatalities are sometimes reported as suicides or accidents and not identified as domestic violence.

Some people may challenge these statistics.

Numbers are important to a point, and people certainly need numbers to be convinced that this is a real problem. But it’s really important that when we look at numbers, we pay attention to what these numbers are referring to. Every research study will ask slightly different questions to different populations. Domestic violence is a difficult issue to get solid numbers on, but to me, the numbers that we have are enough to say that this is a serious issue. And as Muslims, we have a responsibility to do something about it and to get rid of it.

Don’t these statistics reinforce the stereotype of Muslim men being abusive to their women?

I’m not saying that Muslim men are more likely to abuse their wives. Muslim women like other women in the world are at risk of getting abused because they have lesser positions of power in the family and in society.  The majority of Muslim men are not abusive.

What are some of the challenges you face in domestic violence work?

People don’t want to consider that we have this problem in our families and communities because they’re afraid that it makes Muslims look bad.  It’s a painful reality that people would rather avoid, deny, or minimize.  Domestic violence is not a popular issue. It’s challenging to get people in the room sometimes, and we have to be very thoughtful and creative in how we frame the issue so people will hear it and digest it. Another challenge is that once people hear about it and come forward, we may not have appropriate resources for people who are suffering from abuse. There are logistical challenges, resource challenges, and attitudinal challenges.

What about the claim that domestic violence advocates break up families?

This is an incorrect presumption. When a person is mistreated in their home, and we name that as abuse or domestic violence, naming it does not create the problem.  The problem is already there. The existence of abuse is what breaks up the family. People in abusive family situations suffer all kinds of long term physical and psychological effects. We want to prevent that from happening by identifying the problem and teaching people about healthy relationships. We want our homes to be safe havens.  Sakeenah (tranquility) is an incredible concept – it’s to feel safe and secure in your home. We want to promote family environments that are safe for every family member—the child, the woman, and the man.

What is the role of the community in addressing domestic violence?

As community members become more educated and aware, they also have a responsibility to make the community a safe space for people to come forward.  We have to get over the notion that it’s none of our business. It is our business, and we have to be informed. We have to know the resources. We have to be willing to listen if somebody comes forward. All of us have a responsibility to promote the message that no form of abuse or injustice is acceptable. We are supposed to be the model community.

It is also very important for our community leaders to speak up.  I often hear from imams that after they speak about domestic violence, many people come forward saying they have this problem.  It gives people permission, and sometimes, people need to hear the community leader’s position before they come forward.

Some people might ask: How do I know if it’s domestic violence?

That’s a question people always ask me. Every relationship has conflict in it. The presence of conflict doesn’t equal domestic violence. Arguments and fights can happen in any family.  However, domestic violence is when one person is being intimidated and controlled by the other person. It’s a pattern of behavior in which the abused person is afraid. Many people argue with their spouse, but they’re not afraid of their spouse. We want to make sure people have the skills to resolve conflict in a healthy way, but there are many unhealthy ways that people resort to that don’t necessarily warrant the label of domestic violence.

What is your advice for people in an abusive family situation?

Unfortunately, in cases of domestic violence, it’s often very difficult to get the whole family back on track. Most of the time, abusers are not willing to recognize or admit to the abuse, and they’re not ready to seek help or to change. Abusers are usually too busy blaming the victims and their advocates for breaking up the family, but they’re not willing to make changes themselves.

Counseling can help when people want to be helped and when they admit that there is a problem. Divorce is also an option, and it isn’t necessarily a bad outcome. Divorce can save a person’s life—whether it’s their physical life or spiritual/psychological life. I’ve seen many abused women completely turn away from Islam as a result of their abuser using Islam as the primary weapon. I’ve seen many teenagers turn away from Islam because they’ve seen their Muslim parent be abusive or they’ve experienced abuse at the hands of a Muslim parent. Often times, I’m invited to communities to speak on the issue after the janazah (funeral prayer) of a victim killed by domestic violence. I don’t want to wait until there is a tragedy.

Everyone deserves to be in a good relationship. People should seek help before things get to crisis proportions. The earlier people seek help, the more likely it is that change will happen and the relationship may be saved.

How can others support your work?

Help us get more accurate statistics. The largest sample size we have now is the 2009 SoundVision survey with 241 participants, but that’s not enough of a sample size to give us an accurate picture. Peaceful Families Project teamed up with Project Sakinah to conduct a national survey assessing Muslim Attitudes about Domestic Violence.  We would like to have a representative sample of Muslims in America.

Help us by taking the survey at www.muslimsurveys.org and please share with others.

To learn more about the Peaceful Families Project, visit our website: www.peacefulfamilies.org.

The statistics of men abused by their wives is difficult to determine, but the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on “Intimate Partner Violence” (2003), found approximately 15% of domestic violence cases involve men as the victims. This statistic may be even higher because the abuse of men usually goes unreported. Oregoncounseling.org reports that 30-40% of domestic violence cases involve men being abused by women. The reality is that men report abuse less than women; even when they do report incidents, there is little support and scarce resources to help them.

Abused men also react differently and are treated differently by society than abused women. The impact of abuse towards husbands is less apparent and less likely to come to society’s attention. Sadly, for men who do report being abused, the people around them are usually surprised, and instead of dealing with the abuse, they may just minimize it or not believe them at all. Comments such as “you’re tough, a woman can’t hurt you” or “take it like a man” or “what did you do to upset her?” all lay blame on the man for the abuse and even suggest he should be able to “take the abuse” without complaining.

Abuse against men has some similarities and differences from how it manifests towards women. For both, physical abuse includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, striking with an object or using a weapon. Men are also quicker to resort to physical abuse in a relationship and are capable of more brutal physical assaults than woman.

Emotional abuse however, has very different effects on men and women. Calling a man a ‘coward’ or a ‘failure’ for example, is more psychologically humiliating than for a woman. Emotional abuse is an area where women are often more brutal than men and in most cases men are more affected by emotional torment than physical attacks. For a man, being mocked and humiliated in front of other men by his wife can be more devastating than being punched. Men may tolerate physical abuse from their wife because they feel they live up to the code of “never hitting a woman.” However, being humiliated by a woman is extremely devastating and can have far more severe consequences.

Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, and threats of physical violence. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and in some cases, even death.

Men in abusive relationships say they feel they “walk on eggshells” around their wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having an angry reaction. There are underlying psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent towards their husbands. According to Batteredmen.com, Borderline Personality Disorder is a diagnosis that is found primarily in women; 50% of abuse cases against men are associated with women who have Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and drug abuse.

Consider this case and see if you can find the early warning signs of abuse:

Adam met Aliya nine years ago when they were working together at the hospital. She was an incredibly smart nurse who was outgoing and got along with all the staff. Adam was an accomplished cardiologist who worked long hours and loved his profession. Adam was intrigued by Aliya and her quick wit; they had wonderful conversations and found they had a lot in common. Adam courted Aliya for six months and she repeatedly insisted that he needed to be a man and propose to her already. He loved her and so he asked her to marry him. As they began making plans for the wedding, Aliya got highly emotional and her short temper became more apparent. Adam wanted her to be happy and have the wedding of her dreams so he tried to defuse arguments by agreeing to her demands. He got used to expecting her mood swings when things didn’t work out the way she wanted, so he would try to avoid arguments with her.

Many times Adam felt he had to hide what he was really feeling so as not to upset Aliya. She usually blamed him for the way she reacted and told him she loved him so much that he made her act crazy some times. Because he knew she was insecure, he forgave her and constantly reassured her that he loved her. One night when he came home from the hospital, he found Aliya in the kitchen angry. She started yelling at him for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on his way home. She called him an idiot and an awful husband and said she could never rely on him to do anything for her. He began to apologize, but Aliya cut him off and continued to yell at him. She picked up a plate off the counter and threw it at him. He was shocked at her explosion and repeatedly tried to calm her down. She got angrier and slapped him for trying to control how she was feeling. Adam emotionally shut down and decided to walk away from the argument as she continued to yell obscenities at him. Adam felt like he couldn’t do anything right to make her happy.

He tried to talk to her family and friends about her behavior but everyone told him he just needed to be more understanding and patient. He tried to get her to go to counseling with him for their problems and she refused. She continued to blame him for being unhappy in the marriage and insisted he was the one who needed to change. Over the years, she would increasingly get frustrated with him and assume he was doing things to frustrate her on purpose. She would throw things at him, vases and knives, slap him, punch him, and shove him back. Adam began working longer at the hospital so that he didn’t have to go home and deal with her. He felt stuck in his marriage because he still felt sympathy towards Aliya since she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. Furthermore, he made a commitment to her when he married her that he was going to be her protector no matter what.

Why Do Men Stay?

Men stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They may feel that there is no way out, often ignoring the initial symptoms of an emotionally abusive spouse which may have quickly turned into a physically abusive relationship. Further men may be emotionally or financially dependent on their wives.. The idea of leaving the relationship may bring up feelings of anxiety or depression due to a fear of being alone or facing the stigma of separation. Instead of dealing with the feelings of being alone he will tell himself he just needs to be a better husband, assuming the blame in the relationship for not doing his part, and feeling that he deserves the abuse.

Men may carry forward unrealistic beliefs that they can and should do something to make the marriage bearable. Abused men with children may be afraid to leave because of threats from wives to abduct the children or not allowing fathers to see them. A man may also  fear  leaving the children alone with an abusive mother  as she may harm them too. The legal system cannot guarantee joint custody and so, in a weaker position, fathers could lose access to their children. Additionally, men may fear a bias in the legal system, which sides with the wife who might accuse him of abusing her – and the judge might believe her.

There is also a paternal reputation at stake as fathers may worry their wives will  tell his children that he is a bad person or that he does not love them. Often there is a worry of being stigmatized or labeled as “spineless,” or “wimps,” for being overly dependent on the woman. Abused men are usually too afraid to share or admit to others they are being abused because they fear it is a sign of losing their manhood.

Many men will simply stay in abusive relationships and “retreat” from the abuser by staying busy at work and coming home late. In order for a man to leave an abusive relationship, he needs to begin developing emotional independence. A man who stays in an abusive relationship feels like he “can’t be alone” as men depend on women to take care of them physically, emotionally and sexually. Learning independence and being comfortable alone will help a man grow emotionally. This growth will also help him stop the cycle of abuse by recognizing the patterns of abusive women.. Change is difficult, but when a man is ready to acknowledge the abuse and take action, he will be able to make a decision that is best for him and his family insha’Allah. Being alone and raising children alone can be a scary prospect, but once a man finds inner strength to do things differently in the relationship, he will be able to regain his self-worth and self- respect.

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. One resource is the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Phillip Cook. Abused men can also get support through private counseling services or they can contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women at www.dahmw.org.

Abuse is a topic that many Muslims shy away from because it is uncomfortable to tackle an issue that is complex and appears unsolvable.  Many times when I address the topic of marriage, I clarify that the strategies I suggest do not apply to abusive relationships. Yet, what I have learned is that people who are in abusive relationships don’t acknowledge the abuse and instead try to do everything to “fix” their marriage and resolve the unhappiness they feel.  Abusive relationships have a completely different dynamic and “marriage advice” cannot solve the problem of abuse. Sadly people do not understand that an abusive relationship is a dysfunctional relationship, therefore the only way the relationship can change is if both husband and wife get professional counseling because without intervention the abuse will only get worse and the relationship will continue to deteriorate.

Despite acknowledgements in our community that abuse does exist in Muslim homes, most victims and perpetrators of abuse claim that abuse happens to “other people,” in homes where there is “no taqwa (God-consciousness)” or abusers are those who are “uneducated.” However, abuse exists across all socio-economic levels, cultures, levels of education, and religiosity.  Abuse is a social problem that exists with young and old alike.  Patterns of abuse can be seen in young couples even before marriage as well as long-married couples with children.

At the heart of an abusive relationship is the concept of maintaining power and control over another person.  An abuser can be either a man or a woman, however statistically most abuse cases involve the male as the aggressor.  According the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on Intimate Partner Violence (2003), women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence and men for approximately 15%.  In this article, I will address women who are abused and in a subsequent article, I will address the issue of men who are abused.

How does abuse manifest itself? Many people think of abuse as a man throwing a woman across a room, punching and slapping her, leaving her with bruises.  This type of physical abuse is easy to recognize, yet there are several ways people are abused that are equally damaging and have negative consequences on the individual and the relationship. Abuse has many forms and that is why people may be reluctant or even unable to identify abuse.

Consider this example of one type of abuse before marriage.  See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.

Asma met Ahmed in the youth group.  He was a charismatic leader and she thought he was funny and smart. They liked each other and their parents knew that they might make a good match.  Asma and Ahmed communicated often via text and phone calls and Ahmed expressed that he cared a lot about her.  He was very chivalrous. Once when he saw another boy at school checking her out in the hallway, he told her that she had to protect herself and should dress more modestly so other guys wouldn’t check her out.   Asma found his concern for her very sweet. He would text her several times a day and ask her what she was doing and where she was going. He told her he wanted to marry her after they finished school and that he didn’t want any other guy even looking at her. She really liked him and wanted to be his wife. He gave her advice to stay away from friends who were a bad influence on her and would lead her astray.  Advice like this only reinforced her feelings that he cared a lot about her well-being and safety. One day after school, he offered to give her a ride home since it was raining.  She was so thankful to get out of the rain, she jumped into the car and headed toward her home.  As they drove and chatted about their day, he suddenly pulled the car over and leaned in and kissed her.  She was taken aback that he was so bold to kiss her, but she also felt thrilled that he liked her so much.  They didn’t say anything.  Her stomach had butterflies because she knew that good Muslim girls don’t kiss boys in cars, but she also reminded herself they would get married soon and he just couldn’t wait to be with her. Over time, he stole more kisses and when she told him she didn’t want to do that anymore because she thought it was wrong, he would get upset and feared she would leave him.  Out of fear he threatened that if she broke up with him, he would tell the whole world what she was doing with him and then she would never get married.  She was confused and scared; what if her parents found out? What if the community knew what she was doing?  She knew he loved her and cared about her so she succumbed to his demands.  She pleaded with him to get married, so they could make everything right, but he dismissed her feelings and told her that he would decide when the right time was to get married.  Asma loved Ahmed but she felt guilty about what their relationship had turned into, she just wanted to marry him and not sneak around to be with him. She couldn’t take it anymore, she told Ahmed they would have to stay away from each other until they were at least engaged. He was outraged because he thought she was teasing him on purpose so he threatened to rape her if she didn’t stay with him.  He reminded her that no man would ever want to marry her if word of what she had done got out.  She was his and he would never let her go. Asma felt scared and stuck; she didn’t know what to do.

Abuse is a violation of a person’s human and civil rights.  It follows a pattern of behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over another person.  This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound another person. In Islam, abuse is not tolerated on any level, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) reminds us “He is the best amongst you who is the kindest towards his wives….”

Abuse can be economic, verbal, emotional, physical and sexual. According to mentalhelp.com the types of abuse are explained as follows:

Economic Abuse occurs when a person is prevented from getting or keeping a job, or the abuser takes the person’s income or money and does not let them know or have access to the family income. The abuser may also hide money from the family.

Verbal Abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticize another person. Verbal abuse often involves ‘putdowns’ and name-calling intended to make a person feel they are unworthy of love or respect, and that they do not have ability or talent. If a person speaks up against these statements, they are often told that the criticisms were “just a joke,” and that it is their own problem that they do not find the joke funny. Verbal abuse is dangerous because it is often not easily recognized as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to a person’s self-worth and self-respect.

Emotional Abuse occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person’s sense of reality; what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Emotional abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content (such as threats, coercion and intimidation) designed to force a person to comply with the abuser’s wishes and it is designed to cause emotional pain to a person in an attempt to gain their compliance and counter any resistance. Like verbal abuse, emotional abuse is often not recognized as abuse early on but can cause serious psychological effects.

Physical Abuse occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person. Actual physical abuse may involve slaps, pushes, twisting arms, biting, punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching and grabbing.  Physical abuse is abusive whether bruises or physical damage occur or not. Physical abuse is also the mere threat of physical violence if the victim does not comply with the wishes of the abuser.

Sexual Abuse is usually connected to physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse and emotional abuse.  Sexual abuse includes any sort of unwanted sexual contact perpetrated by an abuser. Sexual abuse is the forcing or manipulating of a person into having sex or performing sexual acts, holding a person down during sex, hurting a person physically in order to perform sex or hurting a person with weapons or objects during sex.

Consider this example of one type of abuse after marriage.  See if you can find the early warning signs in the narrative.

Aisha met Abdullah through friends in college.  He was a Law student and she was finishing up her undergraduate degree in political science. They enjoyed debating about politics and Islam and courted for three months.  They got married soon after she graduated and not long after they married, she got pregnant and they had twins.  Abdullah worked long hours at the firm and would arrive home late, exhausted, and stressed from his day. Aisha was staying home to care for the twins, Abdullah felt it was unnecessary for her to work and that she should be home to care for the children.  Aisha challenged him, but he reminded her that in Islam, the woman should obey her husband. Aisha argued this point with him but eventually complied with his request to keep the peace and became a stay at home mom.  She became exhausted from caring for the twins, but was especially careful to make sure the children were not fussing when Abdullah came home because he wanted to come to a quiet home after his long day at work. Aisha missed spending time with Abdullah since she had very few friends where they lived and he was her only support.  She loved him very much and would do anything to make him happy.  Abdullah was frustrated that he could never get a full night’s sleep because the twins woke up crying at night.  One night when they woke up crying, Abdullah was extremely agitated with Aisha that she couldn’t get them back to sleep.  He had just fallen asleep and would have to get up for work in 3 hours.  He quickly walked into the twins’ room and roughly picked up one of the twins. Aisha went after him and reached to touch his shoulder to calm him down but he pushed her away and yelled at her for “getting involved” while he was trying to parent. She explained that she was trying her best and she was just as tired as he was. He slapped her for talking to him like that and told her to never insult him again.  Aisha was shocked by his outburst and she tried to calm him down and encouraged him to go to bed while she cared for the twins.   The next day, Aisha’s mother called from across the country to check in with her and see how she was doing. Aisha wanted to tell her mother what happened, but she didn’t want to worry her, so she said everything was fine. That evening, Abdullah came home with a bouquet of flowers and told Aisha he was taking her out to dinner. She was surprised and happy that they would get to spend some time together.  She figured that is what they needed to make everything better.  Over dinner he apologized for hitting her and reminded her that it was her fault that he lost his temper and that she would have to be a better mother if they were going to have a happy household.  Aisha felt crushed that Abdullah wasn’t happy with her but didn’t want to leave because she desperately wanted her twins to be raised in a home with both parents. She wondered what she would have to do to make her marriage work.

Why do Women Stay?

This is the question that is difficult for many people to understand. It is important to realize that those who are abused hold onto the positive interactions they had with their spouse and convince themselves that their spouse is capable of kindness.  The abused may still love their spouse and these feelings along with a longing for the past or a false belief that they can help the abuser be a better person are what keep them attached in spite of the abuse.

For many women, they may feel “stuck” in the marriage because they are financially dependent on their spouse, especially if they have limited or no work experience or education to be able to support themselves and their children.  For other women who are isolated from friends and family, they may not have any support to turn to if they choose to leave.  Some family members may know of the abuse, but may advise her to be patient with her husband and to uphold the family’s honor and stay in the marriage.  Sadly some women may turn to their local imams and are actually blamed for the abuse and told to “be obedient to” or “be patient with” their husbands.

Finally, for some women the dream of preserving a two parent household for their children will make them endure abuse.  Women may feel afraid of losing their children, by either their spouse abducting the children or him gaining full custody of children in court.  Sadly, in many situations, women will finally leave only when they perceive imminent danger to their children or if Child Protective Services threatens to remove the children from the home unless the woman leaves her abuser.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a decision that a woman must make on her own.  Women’s shelters, family and friends can be available for support, but only once a woman chooses to take control of her own life and wellbeing will she be able to leave.  Statistically, an abused woman leaves and returns to her spouse ten times before permanently separating.  Only by recognizing the dynamics of abuse and the fallacies of why she stays will an abused woman be able to seek support and get out of the abusive relationship.  As Allah tells us in the Qur’an: “…Verily, God does not change [a person’s] condition unless they change their inner selves…” (13:11). The decision to leave an abuser and protect oneself physically and emotionally takes enormous courage and strength. The road out of an abusive relationship is not easy and it will require her to struggle emotionally as well as face economic hardship, but in that process she will regain her self-worth and will live a life of dignity.

For help and information contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or 1.800.799.SAFE

By Hafeeza Kelli Yasmin

‘Remember the day you begged me on your knees to not let you go back to your home, but all I could see was the fear in your eyes. You, my friend were bloody, bruised and beaten by him who sent you to work so you would put food on his table. All he did was take pure advantage, he would have killed you. You were on your knees because you could not stand, yet you still came to work, working, but I could see right through you’

In this world, when we are focusing on the things that we love to do, it is easy to forget the world around you, but once you take a step back into reality the signs are all there.

Domestic violence is an issue within Islam which is intolerable; it is a sign of oppression, and Allah ‘azza wajal condemns oppression.

“…And Allah does not like the Thalimeen.” (oppressors, polytheists and wrong doers) (Qur’an, 3:57).

Levelling with injustice, justice also exists in this world and in the hereafter. Many of us know when one part of the ummah suffers, another part of the ummah does not sleep knowing another is suffering, and so they come together as one ummah against the injustice. The Prophet of Allah ﷺ (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) told us that this ummah is like one body, and when one part of the body is in pain, the other parts of the body also feels the pain.

What is Nour?

The name Nour in Arabic means angelic light, and thus a name that reflects peace, tranquillity and hope. It is a metaphor for the light at the end of the tunnel, to bring back hope in those who have fallen victims of the devastating sin of domestic violence. Nour launched its website in 2010 and has now earned the title of a non-profit charity.

Alhamdulillah, in 2009, two friends were discussing issues surrounding domestic violence that caused distress in the Muslim community. Yet, despite the number of charities out there campaigning against domestic violence, there was not a single charity aimed at Muslims who could be victims. From this discussion to the present day these two sisters are now the co-founders of NOUR and have taken that discussion into practise by helping the Muslim community who suffer from domestic violence.

‘We could have been angry or futilely reactive towards this frustration, but instead we decided to be pro-active’. -Mahfuja Ahmed CEO and Co-Founder of NOUR.

How is NOUR different?

What makes Nour stand out from all the rest is that they are able to recognise the Islamic faith and the sensitivity that comes with domestic violence. Unfortunately, many Muslims ignorantly adopt the false impression that Islam permits the act of domestic violence[1].

What are our goals?

Nour’s long term goals are to work towards strengthening the Muslim community, empowering Muslim women and men, and making sure that marriages are founded in solid union, not ones open to create oppression. With these aims, stronger family structures can thrive together in the community. And a nurturing environment is created for our children to grow in.

The Islamic Adviser of Nour, Imam Abdullah Hassan said,

‘This is a very sensitive issue in the Muslim community. Many women who fall prey to this vile behaviour do not come forward due to fear and also the insufficient knowledge on their part about where they may receive help. One of the ways they may contact the relevant people is by calling or e-mailing various projects and charities like NOUR and they will be dealt with with the utmost anonymity. Then an Islamic advisor may give general advice and specific instructions on how best to deal with their situation via written e-mail or if need be via telephone conversation if the victim so desires’.

How Nour can help you?

Nour provides Islamic, Health and Legal advice by those qualified. Anyone can contact the Muslim Community Helpine which is open Monday to Friday between the hours of 10am to 1pm and the caller will be treated with absolute confidentiality. If anyone has general queries online, they may e-mail Nour at: info@nour–dv.org.uk. The online service offers an Advisers Contact Form; here, anyone can explain their unique situation and receive a quick and effective response.

For more information such as what Islam has to say about the misconception of beating, and Nour’s recent events and updates, log onto the Nour website: www.nour–dv.org.uk.

For women who have a story for every scar, bruise, and broken bone, there is Nour –Domestic Violence, to provide strength, support, and solace. We do not forget that if it were not the will of Al-Asim The Protector, none of the work Nour has done would have been possible. Truly in Allah ‘azza wajal we place our trust.

“whereas physically beating another person is completely forbidden in Shari`ah.”- (Qur’an, 4:34)

The same problem has emerged in the American Muslim community. As we find ourselves having to emphasize even our basic humanity, there is the same rallying cry to downplay any “side issues” that may portray us in a negative light. In the name of “the American Muslim nation,” we have allowed any issues that threaten positive publicity to be shunned, for we must not be caught vulnerable in a time when we must be ‘Muslim Boy Scouts’: peaceful, patriotic, kind, chivalrous… and never, ever angry and oppressive.

In a recent conversation with a Muslim activist, I realized the degree to which the political environment has silenced these internal issues. Here was a person I consider quite intelligent, disagreeing with me on the following statement: “domestic violence exists in the Muslim community to a greater extent than we know, due to being under-reported.” I was shocked to find such an intellectual person reacting with anger and denial. He demanded statistics, ignoring my argument that abuse is under-reported and thus not included in official statistics. My statement is old news to almost any imam (religious leader) or community activist. Ironically, his reaction did more to embody the “angry Muslim male” stereotype that he was trying to avoid, than did any words of mine. He said domestic violence in the Muslim community is, and I quote, “almost non-existent.”

Nevermind that as a woman I may have more access to stories of abuse than did my male counterpart, and nevermind efforts to create women’s shelters like Muslimat al-Nisaa Center in Baltimore, Maryland. Nevermind the ultimate example of attention to external scrutiny while ignoring domestic issues: a television executive who could wage a multi-million dollar campaign to start a TV channel to build bridges with America, while he could not build a bridge to his own wife. But, nevermind.

Saying “nevermind” allows us to be mindlessly dedicated to “the nation,” and forces us to devalue internal issues of injustice. Either you are contributing to a positive image of our community, or you are contributing to a negative image and must be silenced. Either you are ‘with us’ or ‘against us.’ Sound familiar?

Is the task at hand to prove that we are angels, or Muslims who strive towards the Divine and sometimes fail? Public scrutiny is intense, but we should not let it drive us towards essentialist statements such as: “Muslims cannot be terrorists, anyone who commits terrorism is not Muslim!” or “Muslim women wear hijab by choice,” or “Muslims do not hate Jews,” or domestic violence is “almost non-existent.” We know in our heart of hearts that there are exceptions to these blanket statements, but we do not realize these exceptions as a large enough problem until they balloon out of control. Only then do we react. Often it is too late and we have already lost the trust of those who were “the exceptions”; those who needed our help when they were abused, radicalized, etc.

Brothers and sisters, we do not have the luxury of picking and choosing our issues. A daw`ah activist has his own argument as to why daw`ah is the most important matter. A political activist has his own argument as to why political activism is most important. A women’s activist has her own and a mosque president has his own. We have so many high-priority issues that it makes “prioritization” sound like an empty corporate slogan. This is not a time to tear each other down. This is a time to value each person for whom Allah has made it their heart’s cause to solve a particular problem.

Finally, we must stop speaking in essentialist language. If we continue to do so we will reveal something far more shameful: that we are willing to sacrifice attention to internal injustices on the altar of our “public image.” Each time we downplay domestic violence, for example, a victim of abuse is not only silenced by cultural forces of “shame,” she carries the additional weight of keeping her silence to ensure a positive image for the rest of us. Whether real or symbolic, it is one thing to endure a knife wound, and quite another to be asked not to scream.

Tricia Pethic is an aspiring chaplain in Hartford Seminary’s Islamic chaplaincy program and holds a master’s degree in Near Eastern Studies. She was a board member of the Islamic Center of Tucson, 2006-2007. She maintains a blog, thecivilmuslim.wordpress.com.

Real Men Don’t Hit Women Pt1 – w/Khalid Latif from Khalid Latif on Vimeo.

Real Men Don’t Hit Women Pt2 – w/Khalid Latif from Khalid Latif on Vimeo.