For Converts, Their Families and One’s Co-Workers and Friends

For many of us, the ‘Eid prayer is a simple ritual that we observe twice a year. However, if one recently accepted Islam, or is dealing with the responsibility of his first ‘Eid khutbah, the ‘Eid prayer begins to seem truly daunting. With that in mind, I decided to compile a simple primer on the ‘Eid prayer. I hope this facilitates its observance, making it easy for converts, their families, co-workers and first-time preachers.

What is ‘Eid al-Fitr?

The word ‘Eid in Arabic means holiday and the word fitr means to break. Since this holiday takes place the day after the month of Ramadan ends, this holiday is given the name “the holiday for breaking the fast.”

What happens on that day?

On the day of ‘Eid the entire Muslim community congregates in observance of the ‘Eid prayer.

What time is the prayer?

It can be prayed anytime after sunrise until noon and must be done so in congregation.

Whose invited? Can I bring my non-Muslim friends and family members?

The entire community is encouraged to come, and you are definitely encouraged to bring all of your friends and family to the prayer and the celebrations thereafter!

How does one pray this prayer? Is it different from the Friday prayer?

The ‘Eid prayer is similar to the Friday prayer in its number of cycles (two), in that it is recited out loud, and that both have sermons. However, unlike the Friday prayer, the ‘Eid prayer’s sermon follows the prayer.

The second difference lies in its number of takbirs (when the prayer leader says, “God is the greatest” which starts the prayer). In the ‘Eid prayer there are six additional takbir added to the original in the prayer’s first cycle, and five added to the second cycle of prayer (after one rises from the sitting position to stand for the second cycle).

How it’s done:

The first cycle: there is the opening takbir, then the prayer leaders says “Allahu Akbar” [God is the greatest] six more times, and then recites the opening chapter from the Qur’an followed by a short reading from another chapter of the Qur’an.

After rising for the second cycle: one says “Allahu Akbar” to arise and stands for the second cycle of prayer then states Allahu Akbar 5 more times before reading the opening chapter from the Qur’an.

Note: if one is following the Imam, it is much easier. Just follow him!

Are there any special chapters of Qur’an that should be recited during this prayer?

It was the practice of the Prophet ﷺ to read, after the first chapter of Qur’an, the 87th chapter in the first cycle of prayer and the 88th in the second cycle.  Others considered it commendable to recite the 50th chapter from the Qur’an in the first cycle and the 54th in the second. However, if one is unable to read those chapters, there is nothing wrong with reading whatever he knows from the Qur’an.

What if one comes late and misses the extra takbirs?

If one comes after the preacher has already started (for example he has already stated Allahu akbar three times in addition to the opening Allahu Akbar) then that person should begin the prayer by saying, “Allahu akbar” (God is the Greatest) and join the Imam. However once the preacher begins to recite the Qur’an, the latecomer should keep saying “Allahu akbar” in a soft voice until he arrives to the total of 7 extra takbirs (or 5 if he comes late for the second cycle of prayer).

Thus, in the above scenario where the preacher had already said three, the person would have said a total of 4 with him. However, once the preacher started to read Qur’an, the person should say an additional 4 takbir [saying God is the greatest] making it a total of 7.

If it were the second cycle, the person, once the preacher starts reading Qur’an, should add 2 more to reach the total of 5.

If one arrived late and started their prayer with the second cycle, missing the first, then they should say 7 when they stand to complete the prayer after the preacher closes the prayer.

If the person comes late and finds the congregation at the end of the prayer, meaning he missed all of the takbirs, he should arise, after the closure of the prayer, and say 7 takbirs in the first cycle and 5 in the second.

Note: one may pray behind any preacher who observes the takbirs in a different fashion recognized by Islamic ritual law. There is no problem to follow them in this; one should not make it a big issue.

What is the ruling for ‘Eid prayer?

Eid prayer is a highly encouraged act for those ordered to pray the Friday prayer and recommended for those who are not obligated to pray the Friday prayer, according to a group of scholars. However, there are other great scholars who hold it to be a religious obligation.

What should the Preacher talk about?

In addition to what constitutes the normal recognized procedures related to the sermon, one should insure that his sermon is relevant and provides the community with a feeling of empowerment and purpose. It is also good to channel the community into taking part in the different committees and programs that take place in the local mosque. One should also try and make the speech relevant to the attendees by addressing each in drawing valuable lessons that are practical and measurable.

I have a family member or friend who converted to Islam. Although I’m not Muslim, can I congratulate them and offer gifts?

Sure, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that religiously and no Muslim should take offense to it. If they do, please feel free to give their gifts to me!

Recommended acts:

1. To keep night vigil the night before the ‘Eid prayer*.
2. To take a ritual bath prior to the prayer.
3. To apply perfume [for men only].
4. To wear one’s best clothing.
5. To return from the prayer using a different route.
6. To eat something before the ‘Eid prayer. It is best to eat a few dates and if proven difficult, then drinking some water as this is the sunnah of the Prophet [note for ‘Eid al-Adha the opposite holds true].
7. To set out for the Masjid early engaging in takbir. This is truly one of the greatest memories any family can have, so seize this moment and engage in takbir with your families. If you’re solo, then know that you are engaging in takbir with the angels!
8. To pray in an open space.
9. One should not pray before or after the ‘Eid prayer.
10. May Allah bless you and give you the best ‘Eid ever!

*Note: many consider this a comendable act, however the narration attributed to the Prophet [sa], “Whoever brings to life the night of ‘Eid [with worship] his heart will be alive on a day when the hearts will die” is weak as noted in Tadhkirat al-Mawdu’at, vol. 1, pg. 47.

Originally published in November 2010

Question

Can I celebrate Thanksgiving with my parents? I converted a few years back and it is very important to them. Things haven’t been great since my reversion. What are your thoughts?

Answer

There is a legitimate scholarly difference surrounding this issue. Those who hold such celebrations as forbidden do so contending that such celebrations are “religious in nature” and amount to imitating the religious rites of others. One of my teachers, Shaykh `Abdul Jalil al-Mezgouria told me, “There is nothing religious about this celebration.” In fact, I remember him giving a khutbah (sermon) about it a number of years back.

Some Background

Those who contented that such celebrations are permissible, do so contending the opposite: such celebrations are not religious in nature and that the origin of things is permissible unless explicitly forbidden. Sheikh al-Qaradawi stated, concerning Mother’s Day, there is no way he considered it forbidden. He based his contention on the legal axiom: “Nothing is made forbidden except with a clear text.”

It is well known that al-Rajabiyah was a holiday observed by the Arabs before for the time of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) up until the third century A.H. and the jurist differed on its ruling. The Hanabalis considered it permissible, while the Malikis held it to be disliked.

Those who hold it permissible also note that the statement of the  Prophet ﷺ, “Our holidays are two” is not a prohibition to celebrate other holidays outside of the religious sphere.

The Indigenous Imperative

As a convert to Islam and based on my humble legal training, I agree with the second opinion. Many of us, those of us who have converted to Islam, can use these moments to share the beauty of our faith with our families and loved ones in an non-hostile environment. Perhaps, by giving gifts to our parents we can heal wounds, build relationships, and move forward. At the same time, such celebrations are based on the foundations of our faith: honoring one’s parents. Therefore, we should engage such holidays with the intention of fostering noble relations and spreading the beauty of our faith with others.

Allah knows best.

Originally posted in July 2010

Since we are in the month of Rajab, I thought it would be timely to discuss an event from life of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him). The average, educated Muslim and even many scholars have little to no knowledge about this subject. It is an established part of the guidance Allah revealed and preserved for us and carries much divine wisdom. Since the 4^th of July just passed, I’d like to research this issue and see what we kind of fiqh (jurisprudence) we get from it.

In looking at this issue, we must acquaint ourselves with a common practice among the Arabs during the times of Jahiliyyah (the times of ignorance before the Qur’an was revealed). According to the major Arabic dictionaries and historical encyclopedias, al-Ateerah was an occasion in which Arabs would slaughter animals during the first 10 days of Rajab seeking to fulfill their vows (al-nathr) and to receive the favor of their gods.¹ Then, according to the well-established biography of the Prophet ﷺ, the Prophet ﷺ was guided to Islamicize this tradition.²

In Islamicizing these traditions, the Muslims were commanded to slaughter in the name of Allah alone and give the meat to the poor, family and friends, just as we do the udhiyyah (slaughter for Eid al-Adha). The proof for this is in the hadith (narration) that states, “The Prophet was asked about al-Ateerah and he said it was haqq (truth).”³ The Prophet ﷺ also said, “Indeed every year, each household is responsible for the slaughter of al-Udhiyyah and al-Ateerah.”⁴ In the following set of authentic ahadith, the practice was allowed or seen as sunnah (established tradition of the Prophet ﷺ). Abu Razeen al-Uqaylee asked the Prophet ﷺ, “We used to slaughter animals in Rajab. We would eat from its meat and give it to those who came to us.” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Laa, ba’s” meaning “no problem” or “that’s fine.”⁵ At his farewell pilgrimage three months before he passed away, the Prophet ﷺ said, “…Whoever wishes let him slaughter…and whoever wishes not [to] then let him not…”⁶

On the other hand, there is another hadith, which is the most common and authentic of all, that says, “No far and no Ateerah.”⁷ To a layman, this seems to be a contradiction, but it is far from that. Imam Shafi’i and his students hold that this hadith combined with the aforementioned ahadith only abrogates the obligation of al-Ateerah. So their position is that al-Ateerah remains a sunnah and thus the meaning of the vague hadith is “No far or Ateerah is an obligation.” This was the position of Ibn Seereen and Imam Ahmad as well as many of the Scholars of Hadith.⁸

Some Malikis, as noted by Ibn Rushd in al-Bidayah, took this hadith as a full abrogation,  thus making it makrooh (disliked) to take part in al-Ateerah. Al-Allamah ash-Shawkani disagrees with the Malikiyyah based upon solid usool (method used to derive fiqh). He said, in agreement with the Shawafi’, “In combining the hadith it must be said that the meaning is ‘there is no obligation of Far or Ateerah’ thus making it a sunnah which the Prophet ﷺ allowed. This can be the only opinion because we don’t know the exact chronological order of these texts except that they are all within the last couple years of the Prophet’s life… There is no doubt that the hadith ‘No Far and No Ateerah’ by itself indicates prohibition. That can’t be the case after we combine this hadith with the other ahadith and the fact that full abrogation cannot be established except with knowledge of the order of the statements or by a clear claim that it is abrogated.”⁹

The majority of scholars from the Hanafi and Hanbali schools of thought said that this hadith came as an abrogation of the legislation of these practices as a sunnah, and thus it was replaced by al-Udhiyyah. They hold that this abrogation was not that of prohibition but rather that of negating it as an Islamic practice like the Udhiyyah, yet it still remains an acceptable and permissible cultural act.¹⁰ Ibn al-Qayyim said, “If it we gather these ahadith then we see that this hadith of abrogation is that of it being a sunnah (Islamic practice) without there being a prohibition or dislike in it. So if a person wanted to slaughter an animal in Rajab for whatever reason and he wanted to give the meat to the poor, then that would not be disliked ¹¹

I decided to do this research after seeing a forum where some modern Saudi scholars and Salafi brothers were demeaning the honorable Shaikh Abdullah ibn Bayyah for using this issue as a proof in allowing Muslims in the West to take part in non-religious holidays or occasions. The fact is that it is solid proof indeed. The Saudi scholars and their followers contended that the hadith “No Far and No Ateerah” is a case-closing hadith which is – as we have seen in this article – far from the majority position of ahle Sunnah (Sunni Muslims). When doing this research, I read many modern scholars  from the Muslim world claiming that this issue is a clear cut abrogation that led to the prohibition of this act and any others like it. They make a point to mention that celebrating any day other than the two holidays revealed to our beloved Prophet ﷺ would be an innovation rejected by the masses. The fact is that I believe they’re seeking to hide the legitimate majority opinion based in the established schools of fiqh in order to serve their expression of political frustration. I believe they are frustrated that not only are the Muslims nowhere near becoming a superpower, but we have also become very weak in the world today. Our scholars see our governments as cowardly and unable to stand up to Western injustices, and they feel like they must stand up as representatives of this deen (religion) and do something. The problem, however, is that the “don’t be Western in any way, shape, or form” attitude has only alienated us more and weakened our  ability to articulate our message to the masses.

These are indeed noble intentions, but the act is against very harsh injunctions of the Qur’an. Allah said, “Indeed those who conceal what We have sent down of clear proofs and guidance after We made it clear for the people in the Scripture – those are cursed by Allah and cursed by those who curse,”(Qur’an, 2:159). There are numerous more Islamic and practical ways to deal with the political frustration we all face.

Before concluding, I will have to clarify a couple issues to our readers who, like me, were brainwashed with this un-Islamic anti-Western rhetoric that keeps us segregated and reclusive and not “Western.” We should be seen as a unique, integrated (not assimilated), positively-contributing identity in Western society. The hadith that says “whoever acts like or imitates a people is one of them” is not usable in this context because the Prophet ﷺ “Islamicized” al-Ateerah by making the slaughter for Allah alone. The fact is that the explanation of this hadith, according to the consensus of commentators, is that we are prohibited from looking like or imitating the disbelievers in matters that represent shirk (associating partners with Allah) or sin or that specifically identify them as disbelievers.  This does not include what clothes you wear or how you eat, as the Prophet ﷺ did these things just like any other polytheist of his time. Another hadith relates, “Whoever innovates something in this affair of ours (Islam) something that is not from it then they will be rejected.” Again this hadith, according to all the commentaries, means a religious matter, not a secular one that is common to all peoples of faith and atheists alike.

In conclusion, I stand with our Shaykh, the distinguished Abdullah ibn Bayyah, by saying that according to these texts, there is nothing wrong with celebrating occasions and holidays which are customary and are not representing a certain religion. This is as long as Muslims conduct themselves in an Islamic manner and do not participate in acts that can lead to sinful behavior.

By

Questions about your personal conversion experience may come in many forms: “So, what’s your story?”; “Why did you convert?”; and “…can I ask you a question?” These among many others provide a cue for you to share your own story of conversion.

As converts (aka, reverts), we are asked to tell and re-tell the story of our journey to Islam. Not only is this task often fatiguing, but it can also be difficult to pinpoint what factors were most significant in our decisions to convert. When I recount the story of my own conversion, I recognize that I relay different aspects of the same story depending on my audience and the time allotted (i.e., the short version or the long version). But what story do we tell when others are not around—what really matters?

My personal journey to shahadah (testimony of faith) was long and a bit complicated, with multiple factors contributing to my choice to convert. Following this complex experience, I find that connecting with my original motivations for converting helps me to remember the reasons I originally fell in love with Islam, restoring my faith if I ever feel overwhelmed by my life as a convert.

When listening to others who have embraced Islam recount their stories of conversion, I have observed many similarities as well as vast differences. My passion for scientific inquiry coupled with my desire to help others through my clinical psychology skills inspired me to further explore this topic. As a scientist, these differences fascinate me. As a clinician, I want to help people tell their stories in a way that can be therapeutic.

In order to gather more information more about this topic, I am further developing a conversion questionnaire that can potentially be used by mental health professionals (e.g., counselors, psychologists, social workers) who work with converts. I am hopeful that this questionnaire will be a tool for converts to gain insight into their own motivations for converting as well as help mental health professionals better understand the Muslim conversion experience. When used in a clinical setting, I believe that this questionnaire can assist a convert in understanding their reasons for converting while also serving as a clinical tool for his or her therapist so that this topic can be adequately addressed in therapy, if necessary.

As a part of this project, I would like to invite converts over the age of 18 from the United States to participate in this online study. The questionnaire will likely take approximately 15 minutes to complete. There are no known risks to participating in this research study. Participation will, however, likely add to the scientific understanding of why individuals convert to Islam and may benefit Muslim converts seeking psychotherapy. All data will be collected anonymously and answers cannot be linked to individuals, email addresses, or IP addresses. Participants will have the opportunity to enter a drawing for a $50 Amazon.com gift card at the end of the study when they will be asked to provide their email address through a separate link (solely so the winner may receive the gift card). More detailed information about the study will be provided through the study’s website (see link below).

Link to the Survey: https://xavier.co1.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_0e4SVDpNAacqNP7

Video Description of Study:

This doctoral dissertation is being conducted under the supervision of Dr. John J. Barrett. If you have any questions please feel free to contact Holly Ait Taouit, M.A. or John J. Barrett, Ph.D. Questions about the rights of research participants should be directed to Xavier University’s Institutional Review Board.

Holly Ait Taouit is a psychologist-in-training and convert to Islam. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology and Sociology, a Master’s Degree in Psychology, and is currently a doctoral candidate in Clinical Psychology at Xavier University. She converted to Islam in September of 2011 during her graduate studies and has had a long-vested interest in religion and spirituality. Her clinical interests include geropsychology, health psychology, psychology in primary care, and the integration of spirituality and mental health. She is currently completing her clinical internship and intends to graduate with her Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) degree in May of 2016.

By Maryam Mir

Many Eid moon phases ago, I was a new Muslim convert. I have gone to several Eid events during those lunar phases. And like those phases, time has changed some of my views on such joyous events. I still attend though, I do.

I love the anticipation of preparing Eid clothes the night before, or, as energy is sometimes lacking these days, the morning of. Searching for my mother’s vintage seventies turquoise watch and ring, maybe a necklace given by a beloved sister so many years prior, and the Algerian silver bangle I snatched from my eldest daughter.

Recently, to add to my attire, a beautiful purple embroidered pashmina sent from the shores of Malaysia to the deserts of Arizona graced my old shoulders. While I definitely miss Eids of the past with many of my Muslims sisters I have met across the globe, I feel a connection to them still when I am able to wear a cherished gift from them.  Not so long ago a surprise package brought cries of appreciation amidst fond memories.

Another memory sticks out in mind too of preparing for Eid. The chore of ironing clothes before hand has always plagued me. To this day, a sister friend from orbits past still loves to tease me on ‘my skill’ of ironing twice a year.

And then there is the morning of Eid itself nowadays. Rushing out the door to arrive in time by urging my husband, “Let’s go, go. Come on old man!”

On arrival, even parking is a thrill. Who will double park, who will invent new parking spaces, and who will actually observe the parking rules. Glancing at people exiting their cars in their finery is also a delight.

Seeing the children in their beautiful shawar kamiz’, abayas, thobes and the colors, oh, the colors of Eid are dear to behold.  The crimson reds, the majestic blues, royal purples, vibrant yellows and oranges.

Attending Eid events now is with more experience, experience shaped through years of a tougher, crustier, desert skin added over my sensitive one. Such experiences began here:

Our community in Tucson first held it’s Eid celebrations at Christopher City. Christopher City was the University of Arizona’s family and international housing complex, which had event rooms to use for special occasions.

As a young convert new to the Muslim community in Tucson, I remember vividly my first Eid function in the Santa Rita room of Christopher City. My husband and I were told there would be an Eid dinner for everyone there.  Although I was very much a newbie, I wanted to go.  After all, it was my new holiday and I was ready to celebrate.

As we walked thru the entrance towards the two halls, tables of food were set in the entry hallway to serve us dinner. After I got my plate of rice, lamb, and salad, I went into the event room to join the other women for our Eid dinner.

A few women were already there. They were settled with their food plates, drinks, babies in carriers and kids in strollers or running here and there. More women came as time passed.

I found a place to eat. And did, with satisfaction. It was good, really, really good. The aromas and tastes of deliciously cooked food, full of flavor, zest, was such a turn of life food events for me.

Those delicious morsels of rice, lamb, and even the salad, were beyond what I had been accustomed to. I was a scrawny girl who grew up on boiled water, cigarette ashed mashed potatoes and pork chops surrounded by adults with hi-balls of vodka with orange juice. This  was quite a profound change.

While the dinner itself was a grateful celebration,  what was not a hit on the menu was during the entire time not one person came over to me to wish me Happy Eid or to sit with me.

I finished my Eid dinner and left the room to find my husband. I wanted to go home, now. I told him about how awful I felt. How no one talked to me. I cried. He listened. Back at that time, we were both new to the community. He did not know any of the men folk to ask, “Will your wife be there to meet my wife, she’s new to all of this…?” There wasn’t much he could do to help me verbally thru other channels in the community but he did help me by listening.

I bring this memory up now as a reminder to myself and anyone else who may care to listen in; of the adventures yet to come this Eid, the prayers, parties, dinners, clique dinners, and so on and so forth:

What if you and I see a new face at our Eid prayer? A dinner or picnic?

And if we do, will we take the time to greet, welcome them?

They may be a non Muslim guest. They may be a new convert to Islam. They may be a new member of your community or someone who has been unmosqued and is now courageously stepping back into the realm.

No matter where we are, if we see a new face, one item is clear on the menu; they need our greeting.

Don’t let them go home in tears of frustration or anger.

Give them a nice memory to take home with. I guarantee you they will hold it in their hearts and maybe some day share with others.

Eid Mubarak To You All.

Everyone knows the story of the Ansar (Helpers) and the Muhajirun (Emigrants). The Muhajirun were the exiles, the original companions of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be upon him) who risked life and limb to stand for truth and justice; who left homes, families, loved ones and the sacred city itself to avoid persecution at the hands of the enemies of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). These are individuals who broke ties of kinship in a society where kinship was all that mattered, and who chose Allah (swt) and His Messenger ﷺ over the material world.

And of course the Ansar were the ‘Helpers’, the country folk of Yathrib, many of whom accepted the Prophet of Allah ﷺ while not having yet seen him. They were the magnanimous hosts of the Prophet ﷺ and the Emigrants, giving away not just portions of their annual income, but swathes of farm land—sources of income—to their new brothers and sisters. They gave away the shirts on their backs, and displayed the genuine love that comes with true hospitality. They were the people of the City of the Prophet ﷺ, medinatun-nabi.

Praise for the Muhajirun and the Ansar is easy to come by, and so it is only natural for us to seek lessons from these beautiful people.

Who might today’s Muhajirun be? Obviously there is no hijra, or emigration, in the technical sense. However, there is a population among us who might resemble, to perhaps a lesser degree, the experience of ‘exile’ of those elect among the early Muslims. In our own cities, be it at university or the local masjid (mosque), we meet new reverts every day. We hear their stories of the spiritual struggle that comes with the pursuit of Islam, or ‘submission’. We hear of the family ties that may have been strained or severed, of the friends that were lost and of the Islamophobic insults that became their new reality. We shed a tear, laugh and cry with joy, hug them, welcome them and kiss them. We teach them how to pray, how to say Arabic phrases, and even how to make wudhu (ablution). We tell them that if they need anything, to “please let us know!” But after a while, a new convert is not so new anymore. They are forgotten, and often left to get by alone. We don’t see them at the (insert: Arab, Pakistani, Indian) ______ mosque anymore. “I wonder why? Must be down to weak iman (faith). Oh well.”

Compare this to the response of the Ansar.

These helpers welcomed in the truest sense of welcoming, for as the Ansar teach us, welcoming does not end after the ‘shahadah’ (declaration of faith) ceremony. Welcoming is not this initial easy part—anyone can teach a new Muslim how to make wudhu (we have a thing called the internet now!). Anyone can hound a new Muslimah with “hey, you’ve been Muslim for two months now – isn’t it time you put on a hijab?” Nay, this is the easy part. What is difficult, what is truly ‘Ansar-like’, is to open up our homes—nay, our hearts, to a new revert. Some people say, ‘Hey, they’re part of the community now. They’ll fit right in in no time!’ This tragic response doesn’t account for the hijra many new Muslims have just made. It doesn’t account for the breaking of long-established relationships with unaccepting family members, or the breaking of old habits. Our Muhajirun don’t need religious advice, they need human support and friendship for human problems and struggles. Next time a new Muslim enters Islam, don’t just hug them and usher them in, swallowing this newest justification for your wavering faith in Islam. Be a true Ansari by welcoming them into your life: invite them to your home, invite them to your gatherings, invite them into your circles.

Maybe we too can be among our spiritual forbearers!

“And the first forerunners [in the faith] among the Muhajireen and the Ansar and those who followed them with good conduct—Allah is pleased with them and they are pleased with Him, and He has prepared for them gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide forever. That is the great attainment.” (Qur’an 9:100)

By Anthony Hardy

“I don’t understand,” said a friend of mine who happened to be an agnostic, “if Muslims here are just as racist as the Christians, why the Hell are you still Muslim?”

This question had never been posed to me in all my years of being Muslim. I had given it ample thought. I hadn’t, however, formulated a cogent, verbal response for it in the event someone asked me.

“I mean,” he continued, “if one of the reasons you converted was because of the race thing, you didn’t get very far. Seems like you may have regressed a bit actually. Just seems like you going through a lot of trouble for this Islam stuff.”

I conceded his point. While some phenomenal Muslims, Black and non-Black, had crossed my path along my trek in this great faith, I can say with unwavering certainty the vast majority of my time as a Muslim has been filled with hardship, isolation, and loneliness. Some converts break and fold under the immense pressure to which they are subjected at the hands of the community and their families. Some apostate as a result. I can’t say I blame them. I wasn’t broken – alhamduliLah (praise be to God) – but I was scarred and bent: the human heart is a fickle and fragile morsel of flesh.

There really was nothing on the outside anchoring me to Islam: with the exception of my younger brother, himself a convert, I didn’t have any Muslim relatives; my culture wasn’t enmeshed in Islam; though I have a strong affinity for the Black Muslim community, I didn’t belong to any community in particular; and because of my experiences and the experiences of loved ones, I didn’t even want to belong.

I responded to my friend’s inquiry, “True, in terms of race, I probably did backtrack a bit. Still, there are some existential considerations for which Islam provides sufficient explanations that no other system of thought I’ve come across has the potential to answer. For that reason, I stick around.”

Islam mandates upon those who embrace its inspiration to submit their ego as best as they can manage to a set of transcendent principles and confers nobility upon those individuals who make earnest attempts to uphold those dignifying principles. Unlike in our society, where one’s worth is determined by wealth, lineage, extent of education, occupation, gender, sexual orientation, physical beauty, physical handicap and – yes – even skin color and hair texture, the notion of submission and adherence to a set of divine principles as the ultimate measure of one’s value is largely independent of the circumstances surrounding one’s genesis into the world or current station in the world and thus lends itself to a humble agnosticism concerning the ultimate worth of others: under such an empowering paradigm, even the jettisoned pauper, pygmy, or orphan has the potential to be a prince or princess in the eyes of God by virtue of character, actions, and outlook.

Each soul is granted a story of its own from its Lord related to where and when He chose to author it. The purpose of those different stories is so that we might all learn and grow from them all and hence from one another. We are meant to be mirrors unto one another. I remain Muslim, among other reasons, because Islam dictates by virtue of tauhīd (oneness of God) that my story and the stories and experiences of my people have intrinsic value for humanity at large, even if many in the world, including and especially Muslims, fail to recognize that value for our skin color, class, culture, or whatever. We are lessons to be heeded and learned. As it stands, large segments of Muslims in America deign to perceive themselves as superior to us because of what Allāh, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), has bestowed upon them out of His Mercy and do not wish to educate themselves with our stories or even has us in their company or communities or families, quite possibly out of the very essence of kufr (disbelief of God) itself, for it was Allāh (swt) Himself who created us as we are.

“O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.”

— Qur’ān, (49:13)

Unfortunately, Muslims have done themselves, their families, their children, their communities, and their religion a grave disservice in their folly. Until Muslims begin to realize the source of their honor is with God alone, until Muslims resume their slave status before God and not to the inventions of men, physical or otherwise, my mother will continue to be correct and Black Muslims or other communities who have contributed or have the potential to contribute so much to Islam in America and throughout the world will only always be just “niggers” or “thugs” or “gangsters” or “scary” or “dime a dozen” or “too dark” or ‘abd or zenci or whatever other derogatory term cultures may design. We must muster the courage to strive against the false gods and false regimes of validation that have taken residence in our hearts and minds for the integrity of the community, for our collective existence in this country, and for the integrity and purity of our eternal souls before our Lord.

I pray for a better way forward. I can’t do it without you.

To sit and dream, to sit and read,

To sit and learn about the world

Outside our world of here and now –

       our problem world –

To dream of vast horizons of the soul

Through dreams made whole,

Unfettered free – help me!

All you who are dreamers, too,

Help me make our world anew.

I reach out my hands to you.

– Langston Hughes, “To You”

“And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided” (Qur’an, 2:186)

As reverts, we share several common challenges. Many of us have felt the sting of loneliness, lived with the despair of rejection, and experienced our share of disillusionment. We’ve been caught in the trap of desperation and many of us have even questioned our decision.

For those of us who have forged ahead on this beautiful arduous path also share the same desire to worship and seek the pleasure of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). We strive to embrace our identity as Muslims and gain balance in our lives through our Islam. As reverts, we also have found ourselves fervently searching for our place in the vast expanse of this ummah (global Muslim community). For many, this taxing search for acceptance has left us feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood by the very community we yearn to be a part of. Yet, it is in these moments of confusion, disappointment, and hopelessness that we should look to strengthen our relationship with Allah (swt). It is in these trying times that we should hold fast to the promises Allah (swt) has given us.

Often times, the voices of pained reverts will echo through what seems to be a hollow community. The cries for help and support seem to reverberate off of unyielding barriers only to return to the despondent crier. Many times, it seems our inquiries will never be heard and we are left wondering why the ummah fails to notice us. I myself have been in this very predicament.

When I first entered a masjid (mosque), my experience was disastrous. Not only was I a revert coming from a very different background, I also was facing the congregation as a blind Muslim. I endured a degrading experience that included women speaking to me as if I were a child. Their words were spoken very slowly and loudly. They seemed to panic whenever I made an attempt to move at all and honestly treated me as if I was the next good deed to acquire in their account. A few of them went as far as encircling me and demanding to watch how I prayed. They insisted that I was doing it wrong and that I needed to be promptly corrected. Now, I believe that these women did not act with malicious intent and pray that Allah (swt) grants them His mercy, but I was not treated like a dignified human being.

In response to my trauma, I left the masjid and never returned. I did not abandon my beliefs but I did not integrate myself into a masjid. It is only now that I realize how grave this mistake truly was. Rather than questioning myself about what I could do to improve my situation, I allowed my feelings of humiliation guide my actions. I allowed myself to be swayed by hurt and anger, and crumbled under the pressure of this test. I didn’t follow my soul’s innate inclination towards Allah (swt) and became tainted by the worldly poisons of anguish and despair.

Unfortunately, I cannot regain the time I wasted feeling hurt and reveling in blaming everyone else. Yes, the ummah has a responsibility to make every Muslim feel welcomed and loved; However, simply blaming others for our trials will never solve anything. Life has taught me that if one desires change to come, one must approach situations with a positive and proactive mind and heart. We must learn to place our faith in Allah (swt) and know that he will always ease our pain and make a way for us to thrive.

Whenever our cries for help seem to fall upon unhearing ears, we must remind ourselves that Allah (swt) always hears our call. We cannot expect the world to solve our problems. Instead, we should rely on Allah (swt) to be our sustainer. If our issues are too grand then we should ask Allah (swt) to grant us the strength, wisdom and clarity to overcome them. We should take our experiences and use them as a tool to positively impact this beautiful ummah Allah (swt) has blessed us with. Yes, it is flawed and yes, it can be hurtful, but simply dwelling on our bitter ordeals will not improve anyone’s life; not even our own. As difficult as it may be to accept, Allah (swt) will only give us what is allotted for us. Whether our personal situations are good, bad, or indifferent, we can ultimately thrive through the will and grace of Allah (swt). It is up to us to open our hearts to Allah (swt), place our complete faith in him, and trust that he knows best.

Originally posted in June 2007

Question:

I am not a Muslim but I met a guy who never drinks or wastes any of his time, which I found to be impressive. While talking to him I realized that he was a Muslim and I started studying the religion. The complications lie in the fact that I have feelings towards men. I know it is wrong. I consider it an abomination. I don’t need anyone to tell me how sinful it is. But I can’t help it. I can stay away from committing the act but the feelings are always there. After reading the other questions about gays on the site they do not help me much. I cannot ignore the feelings and get married. I do not feel any attraction towards women. I need some serious help. What is your view on a non-practicing homosexual? The feelings exist but not the acts.

Answer:

Thank you for your question and I hope my answer pleases Allah and is of benefit. I have divided this answer according to your question.

No One Is Free of Sin

Your question is one of great importance and reminds us, as a community, of our duty to support and assist those who are struggling with sin. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Every son of Adam makes mistakes. But the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (At-Tirmidhi)

In another hadith the Prophet said:

“If you failed to commit sins, then Allah would destroy you and create those who would sin and seek His forgiveness and He would forgive them.” (Muslim)

Thus, it is important to note that every one of us commits sins and falls into error.

The Message of Islam

Islam means submission and peace. Instead of original sin, Islam teaches that the nature of humanity is good. However, humans, since they were created as such, will make mistakes at times and struggle to overcome their lower desires. This is based on each person’s desire to serve or worship.

Instead of preaching that human nature is full of evil, Islam teaches that the nature of humanity is to worship. In the Qur’an we read what means:

“And I (Allah) have not created Jinn and men except to worship Me.” (Adh-Dhariyat 51:56)

Thus, our true nature is inclined to serve our Lord. However, there are times when that nature can be misdirected to things which are unbecoming of worship. False deities, fame, and success caused many people to slip and fall from the noble station that the Creator has given them. Thus, by submitting to something other than the true Creator and Sustainer of all, people will feel depressed, saddened, and lost.

To make this more clear, could you imagine if the power of the sun and rain were under different political powers? Wouldn’t there be unthinkable madness? Aluding to this the Qur’an says what means:

“If there had been in them any gods except Allah, they would both have certainly been in a state of disorder; therefore glory be to Allah, the Lord of the dominion, above what they attribute (to Him).” (Al-Anbiyaa’ 21:22)

Thus, if this is the case with nature, then what is the situation of people who try to serve many gods? What would be the outcome of trying to submit and worship many deities all having different agendas who, in reality, fail to posses the true qualities of the one Creator, the sole Ruler and Sustainer of the universe? The Qur’an says something very nice about this:

“Allah sets forth an example: There is a slave in whom are (several) partners differing with one another, and there is another slave wholly owned by one man. Are the two alike in condition? (All) praise is due to Allah. Nay! most of them do not know.” (Az-Zumar 39:29)

The Path of Submission Is the Key

Islam is a faith which serves as an alarm clock reminding the creation of their true purpose. It helps to focus the heart, discipline the mind, and perfect the morals and actions.

The outcome of such a submission is the dawn of a very special relationship between the Creator and the created. For one cannot develop a true relationship with another until the latter is acknowledged.

Thus, by knowing Allah and submitting to Him alone, one will truly feel the heavy shackles of sin lightened and escape from the dungeon that one’s soul had languished in.

“There is no compulsion in religion; truly the right way has become clearly distinct from error; therefore, whoever disbelieves in the Shaitan and believes in Allah he indeed has laid hold on the firmest handle, which shall not break off, and Allah is Hearing, Knowing.” (Al-Baqarah 2:256)

“If one firmly believes in Allah, He will guide his heart.” (At-Taghabun 64:11)

Faith First

Based on the above, my first advice to you would be to focus on understanding faith in Islam. Faith in Islam is not a mere spiritual exercise, but includes knowing faith, believing in it, and acting upon it.

Faith changes the human being’s entire persona. Its result is a person whose character, actions, and behavior are linked to a divine purpose. Thus, the person gains confidence and realizes the divine purpose behind his or her being.

It is through this faith that three important questions are realized:

1. Where have I come from?
2. Where am I going?
3. What is my purpose in life?

In order to understand this better, think of an organization with no mission statement. With faith you gain your mission statement and realize your purpose. Thus, you are able to build a framework that lays the foundation for a life connected to the Creator.

Thus, every act is done with sincere thought, and every thought is examined and touched by the light of faith. For this reason, you will have come to life. Life has a purpose; the shades of despair and sadness are cast away by the light of faith and happiness.

“The blind and the seeing are not alike. Nor the darkness and the light, Nor the shade and the heat, neither are the living and the dead alike. Surely Allah makes whom He pleases hear, and you cannot make those hear who are in the graves.” (Fatir 35:19-22)

“Is he who was dead then We raised him to life and made for him a light by which he walks among the people, like him whose likeness is that of one in utter darkness whence he cannot come forth?” (Al-An`am 6:122)

A Loving, Merciful Creator

Since we are bound to fall into error, it is important to remember that our Creator is an understanding and loving Lord. This mercy and understanding are exhibited by the following:

Allah is ready to forgive. One of the great bounties that Allah has bestowed upon His servants is forgiveness for evil thoughts and actions that are not acted upon. When the following verse of Qur’an was sent, the Companions of the Prophet were greatly disturbed.

“If you reveal what’s in your hearts, or hide it, Allah will call you to account.” (Al-Baqarah 2:284)

Finally, they went to the Prophet complaining, “If we are called to account for the whispers of our souls, then we will surely perish!” (Ibn Kathir).

Suddenly, Allah revealed:

“Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear.” (Al-Baqarah 2:286)

It is one of the great mercies of Allah that we are not called to account for the evil inclinations that appear in our hearts. And, in fact, such evil inclinations if ignored and not acted upon can bear sweet fruit!

Fighting against evil inclinations brings one closer to Allah. Many times we find evil thoughts and ideas coming to our minds. However, if not acted upon, such thoughts can actually be a means of drawing closer to our Lord. The Prophet said:

Whosoever intends to do a good deed but does not do it, Allah records it with Himself as a complete good deed; but if he intends it and does it, Allah records it with Himself as ten good deeds, up to seven hundred times, or more than that. But if he intends to do an evil deed and does not do it, Allah records it with Himself as a complete good deed; but if he intends it and does it, Allah records it as one single evil deed. (Muslim)

Thus, by fighting oneself and struggling to obey the Creator, one draws nearer to Him. Although this might seem monumental, struggling and striving towards the Divine requires only a sincere heart and obedience to His commands. In a sound hadith, we read that the Prophet said the following:

Allah the Almighty says: “I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself. And if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me a hand’s span, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he draws near to Me an arm’s length, I draw near to him a fathom’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.” (Al-Bukhari)

Points to Remember

Thus, drawing near to Allah by doing good actions and struggling with oneself brings great spiritual and physical blessings. However, there are a few important points to remember:

Personal responsibility. Keep in mind that all of the above requires work and determination on your part. You are responsible for yourself and must struggle against evil thoughts and desires. I would encourage you to strongly think about submitting to your Creator and learning the correct practices associated with the Islamic faith.

The great Muslim scholar and imam Ibn Al-Qayyim said:

“Unlawful desires are usually associated with ugliness. They leave behind a lingering sensation of pain and guilt. Hence, whenever you are tempted, think about liberating yourself. Think about all the remorse that would accompany the realization of those desires, and then make up your mind. Struggling your way through obedience is not an easy task. It is, however, associated with goodness and soothing pleasures. Whenever you overburden yourself (with unlawful desires) think about how nice it would be to repent and set yourself free. Think about the pleasures that lawful desires will provide and try to make the correct choice. The dilemma you will experience should be reduced by remembering the sweet pleasure and the ultimate happiness that your obedience (to Allah) will provide. Logically, your mind should opt for the more rewarding option and help you to endure the pain of denying yourself the realization of such desires.” (Al-Fawa’id)

Communal Responsibility

It is never enough to struggle alone. The whole community must begin to answer the call of those who are struggling with different issues. Our community is not free of drugs, abuse, and other different types of negative behavior. However, we have not admitted that these problems exist. Thus, we are impotent when it comes to handling such issues.

We must reflect on the statements of the Prophet “Give glad tidings and don’t cause others to flee” (Muslim) and “Whoever removes a difficulty for a person, Allah will remove a difficulty for that person on the Day of Reckoning” (Al-Bukhari).

Muslim imams should be trained in counseling and, better yet, each community should have its own group of professional counselors. We can no longer turn away from the struggling sinner, but must reach out with a sincere hand and walk with our brothers and sisters through the difficulties that they face.

Finally, I pray that you can find a community leader who will be willing to sit with you and assist you through these difficulties. You are not alone and only need a mature community leader who will be willing to accept you and help you overcome your problems.

Please keep in touch.

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

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