My brother that has harassed me sexually multiple times in my childhood still lives with me in the same house now. And apparently, he is a “mehram” to me? I cannot cut out such person i feel highly uncomfortable with because hes my brother and it is haram to cut off relationships which makes everything even more toxic in life. 22 years of me constantly put up with this misery… and with hate from everyone because of how i look, how apparently dumb i am, and how anxiety and severe depression is fake to them because they’ve never been through it. “How do i cope with this ya Allah” Is what i said all my life, i still havent got any ease from any patience and constant worship. My worship changed from being for allah alone, to worshipping him to make my life easier. Now slowly my iman is dying off, nothing i do is for allah now, its always a beg for making my misery lighter than before but it only gets worse because of what? What did i do? there are people in my family who talk openly about porn and fornication and they still have a happy life? What did i do? Did all my worship just disintegrate into nothing? did my modesty, my tears for allah, my learning of the deen, my dawah, my charity, my repentance, my strive to be the best possible muslim be gone completely unnoticed? My duwah after every salah was “oh allah make me amongst the mumineen and protect me from the hellfire” But i don’t know whats happening anymore. What i did was apparently worthless to him.

Assalaam alaykum. I’ve just read your comment. My heart goes out to you. How are you now? Still suffering? I hope not

Asalaamualaikum warehmatullahi wabarakatuhu….Whoever you are and whereever you are…realise that Allah subhana wa taala cares about you….wether you are muslim or not…you were created by Him (swt) so He(swt) still cares about you….Because He is Ar Rehmaan.As long as you are alive there is aways hope remember that always….what you are struggling with is not a new thing…But realize this brother or sister whoever you are “ISLAM IS NOT ALL OR NONE IT IS SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING AND THAT SOMETHING SHOULD BE TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY”…..Simply putting it this way imagine a person is very very ill and tommorrow is his exam nd he cant skip the exam he has to attempt it as he will not get graduated otherwise…so inspite of of fever he prepares and makes an attempt at exam….when the examiner is evaluating him…he will not know about his illness…he is totally unaware about the magnitude of effort the person has put in…examiner will evaluate only on the basis of end result….and he may even fail the student….But its totally oppositte with ALLAH subhana wataala…..He knows and is all aware of our struggles….He will judge us on the basis of effort and not end result…..He knows your capacity and He will not burden you more than that….Thats His promise…(surah baqarah Quran 2-286)…You do whatever you can in the religion to the best of your ability and you leave rest to Allah(swt)…Remember no muslim will get paradise in the exchange for his deeds but it will be granted to him by Allah (swt) out of His mercy…Because no matter how many good deeds we do we are only human and we will slip….Dear person….it is shaitaan who has burdened religion so much on you so that you can leave it…But realize you can defeat him again….you can repent and turn back to islam …and realise that in practicing religion dont think that peoples opinion of you is samething as Allah’s opinion of you…You try your best and in this process you compare yourself with your ownself from yesterday …Please go through this link…..http://islamandpsychology.blogspot.in/2011/08/islamic-solution-for-ocd-waswaas.html…..remember trails in this life were faced by even beloved prophets of Allah…..so we will also face them….because its only a test …as this life is worth nothing as compared to Akhirah…we will all die and our trails will also vanish eventually…its all temporary….May Allah bless you and guide you…..May Allah guide me also….Aameen

At age 19 I became ill and I had to starve for the next three years because I had become sensitive to everything.

My social life quickly became inexistant. At home I was subject to criticism for having what I had i.e. illness.
Because my illness made me vulnerable both physically and emotionally I was angry. Hunger and lack of social interaction was killing me. My speech became slow and my tong would slip just like my legs.
Speaking became difficult. I covered up to people. Couldn’t explain because I had no diagnosis for it.

I turned inwards and searched for religious answers. I tried for a very long time under terrible emotional abuse at home. I prayed to find relief and quit being dependent on money and food.
It didn’t happen.

2 years ago I started getting forgetful to the point I couldn’t think or remember. Hence I have been embarrassed multiple times at the small jobs I had besides my studies.

I was dying. But telling me that Allah would put an end to my misery I calmed down.
Last year when I failed my tests at university I realized that Allah is not ok with me. After years of studying and years of physical ache and bodily disfunctions he’d also end my career and sentence me to death.

My father who was bullying me day in and out has never been satisfied with me. He didn’t accept my personality or thoughts, differences in opinion was a reason of hatred for him towards me.

His bullying was secular back then after turning to religion he startef to use religion against me.

Religion turned into a means of oppression in my view.

I tried implementing the real religion which was free of such unfair behavior.

I was alone and without physical mental financial means to be taken seriously.

Five months ago I became severely depressed due to university failed tests and quit praying out of hopelessnessof not getting heard. Was I fooling myself to find relief?then I quit everything because I had no energy left.

I told Allah if he doesn’t help me right know with my destructive isolation from my peers and a healthy life I would prefer to die. No answer. Daily struggles in and out.

I started looking at things objectively then. Quit talking to my father. And stated doing what I had to. Take care of myself and put myself first.

Allah’s rules were often times impractical and impossible to implement in my life. Yet he could punish me. And if he didn’t my family would criticize and bully me for not doing my religious duties.

See this is how a once healthy male of vigor and vitality lookd like when he’s done mentally and physically. Completely at the mercy of carnivores who have no humanity left.

I felt that Allah does his own thing and doesn’t care.

So I left religion.

Right now I find myself in a better state. I don’t feel overwhelmed by a god that burdens me with some rules nor do I feel punished for having what i have. I find my struggles and tears deserve me a relief and I don’t deserve my youth getting torn apart due to Allah’s will that crushes anything in it’s way unless I don’t expose myself to such mindset i.e. religion

What Allah didn’t give I took myself.

Righg now my situation is improving but even if it stops I will simply deal with it like a challenge not like an expiation of my alleged sins or higher benefit.

Id have never think it’ll come this bad especially because I had always thought that Allah shows a way out. I had planned to fond a job get married and be a good muslim but no he did not want it.

No one in my vicinity relatives and long lost friends understands the pain I have. No one can bear it I realized. No one wanted to put up with my difficultieswhich I trief to solve with Allah’s help.

I feel betrayed and I will never forgive those who caused me a terrible life span.

Feel free to respond however you like. Im ok to read it because I have no one to speak anyway.

It must feel incredibly easy to comment and repeat religious instructions when sitting on a candy coated seat in comparison.

This life is temporary. Nothing in this world matters. Even if you are the most richest or the most happiest person in the world, the odds are you will still be dead before you hit 90s. Ask any 90 years old, he or she will tell you that this life was very very short. We know in cosmic terms this life span is shorter than a tiny flash on time scale. Compare this life with the eternal life in the gardens of Heaven where your every wish will be fulfilled, or, an eternal life in the depths of Hell, where you will ask for death to escape the torment, but it will NOT come.

I resent the fact that the author here has reffered to these burdens as being a “choice” and I find it naive that the author presumes that the burden will pass in time. I never “chose” to be abused by bad parents. I never chose to be a homosexual or the feelings of shame and discrimination imposed on me by society. I did however choose a life of celibacy and to forever be single as a result of being gay. I never chose to have an accident that left me disabled and in physical pain everyday. I didn’t choose to end up with a disability that would strip me away from my independence, cause me to lose my job, friends and throw me into a life of loneliness and isolation. I never chose to suffer everyday locked away in my bedroom feeling like I’m missing out on life. I never chose to be cursed with a life filled with bad luck, clamity and suffering everyday. So when I feel like I am being crushed by the weight of my unbearable heavy burden, it just makes me feel confused, discouraged and even more hurt to hear verse 2:286 which completely contradicts my circumstances.

While the author claims to find “comfort” in that verse, to me it sounds more like a taunt than a comfort, especially when the level of pain I’m experiencing doesn’t measure up to the promised verse. Whenever I feel as though my soul is bleeding in pain and I’m being suffocated by these burdens, the only thing I always keep wishing for is to be dead and free of my suffering. So the question is: “If I am supposed to be able to handle these burdens, then why is it all just so unbearably heavy that I can’t handle it???”

can you think of a reason, why you get a test that your daughter is abusive, while someone else get some other test , but at the end of the day every one of you will be judged upon same parameters. that you did go for prayers etc or not…
then why are you given an extra test .