also i dont see how education has anythign to do with respect another person’s wishes or being or commands. even at work, you may do indispensible services for your boss, and you may be equally or even more educated as your boss, but your boss is still your boss, and you behave in a way that shows respect for his/her position and rank over you. is that abusive, oppressive, unfair or unacceptable? as far as i know, that is how things are in every country, every single day, in every work place. and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. it makes it possible for the team to function adn work to get done.

what is wrong with husbands behaving as leaders – full leaders – and wives obeying? and yes, what if that *is* essentialist? but what if that is how our Creator made us, and what if that actually *feels* right, when we do it, and brings a huge amount of satisfaction, marital bliss, and greater intimacy, and greater peace? honestly, i’ve tried it and it has brought us incredible joy. i would encourage wives to not dismiss the role of obedience and submission to their husbands simply becuase modern society adn other muslim women view it as weaker, lesser, or a dissappointment. you are not here to please others. find what works for you, and if being the submitting partner who adores the leadership of her man works for you, then embrace it and keep it something private between you and him – no one else needs to know or judge you.

where did you come up with: respecting a husband is respecting his wishes not his commands?
i think that is misleading. what exactly is wrong with respecting his commands?
i don’t see an issue with that, and i’m a modern, strong career woman. however, i respect and strive to follow my husband’s orders and his wishes to a T.
i love him as a platoon captain…i find it so admirable, attractive, and keeps things in a beautiful balance in our marriage.

what is wrong with your whole life revolving around him? marriage is supposed to be a woman’s path to her Rabb. please, just take this advice: don’t get so petulant and mad when he is late. drop it. if it clearly bothers him so much that you are looking down and reprimnading him in passive aggressive ways, then just let it go. many women have the exact same situation as you. why are you getting angry with your husband? you need to just stop that particular reaction. don’t get angry – that was the advice of Prophet Muhammad saws too.

please note that i am, among women, one who is strange in that the method of my thinking is usually considered “masculine” and as a result i am one easily in the possession of autonomy and authority – financially and at work – usually correlated with men. and so of all people i think i know quite a bit about this because despite all that, i know and have long contemplated the differences that mean that i am still, a woman. it is a very lonely and difficult type of person to be, being unable to really relate to women (because of lack of common interest and life focus) or men (because of the different mindset due to biology and different life roles). but that’s a different story.

the thing is though, it isn’t solely respect from a spouse that is the issue. it is really the man’s own perception of respect. some men with a strong conception of his male integrity therefore are more resistant to the hurt from his wife’s disrespect. yet others, who house their sense of respect in things like having a job and providing for his family, if his ability to do this is impaired and his personal sense is not strong, even with his wife’s full respect he will not be able to overcome his shame. hence why in downturns marriages are strained, not just the actual income loss but because many men struggle with the sense of failure and loss of respect. that’s also why it is a lot easier (not easy, easIER) for a woman to leave her work and follow a husband on an expat job, than for a man to leave his job and follow a wife on an expat job, if there is no suitable work for the husband at the new place. this is a quietly acknowledged issue in the MNC where i work, and among Caucasians as well. maybe in a wider scale it shouldn’t be an issue, but sometimes the woman is a much-needed doctor, or a specialist scientist of whom there are not many in the world and much-needed in the region, so the loss is actually not limited to the individual woman’s career.

which is why husbands with self-respect grounded in more permanent and transferable things, are creative and positive about alternative things they can do instead wherever they are, or what family solutions to adopt wherever their wives need to go, are worth their weight in gold to us professional women who are in pioneering or essentially fardhu kifayah jobs. i know i must not envy, but i envy the friends i have who are so lucky.

I like your critical thinking Anon.
But Im of the opinion that respect proceeds love. We women also desperately need respect. At times you see relationships whereby a man loves his wife with full craze yet has no respect for her. His love becomes so possessive that it becomes abusive. Respect is most important. Respect means allowing you your dignity, and freedom of personality and identity. That’s respect it doesn’t mean bowing down to his or her wishes. Its about blending in differences and concealing minor flaws by emphasizing the good attributes of each other. In all arenas of life respect at work creates a comforting aura of peace to deal with different situations, you don’t haveto love your coworker but you can live with them as long as there is respect.

I kept on making up for god knows how long until I cannot take it anymore. He says he never get’s mad at me about anything, I am the one always getting upset about something or the other… and I took that to heart for a while, accusing myself for being ungrateful for such a husband… but then I realized that my whole life is revolving around him, If I am going out, I put him into consideration before I even ask him, if I am doing something I involve him and consider whether he will accept it or not also even before asking him, even when I get dressed to go out I only wear what I know he will approve…. I should give my self credit that I do not give him a reason to get mad at me for anything!!
My main problem I think, is if I get upset, sad, Mad about anything, my husband treats this with complete indifference if not by getting mad himself about me getting mad, he will never resolve a problem between us by making amends or making up with me… and that hurts more than I can tell…..
For him, getting upset about something he did is considered disrespect, and for that I am deprived of love.

Religiously, am I asking for too much?

Salam Megan,
Can you recommend the other 9 books too? 🙂