I think I have AN answer, if not the answer to why men who seem religious and educated do not see the abuse in themselves.

A man who is religious and trying to better himself will still have indoctrinated in him actions. By educating himself, he knows that Islam does not forbid culture, but coexists with culture. He see’s his actions as cultural roles, and justifies them as not being haram. When told to look at the example of the prophet, who was the highest of character’s, he cites that the prophet is an aspiration, and he will try/cannot live up to the example set by the noble rasulallah.

Inshallah my answer clarifies, it is based on my experience.

Sister, I want to clarify on the language you used as advice. You said the sister was wrong in two ways,
1. That she should not have courted for so short a time
2. That she was not smart in getting pregnant

Do you see how in both cases you have placed blame on the victim? That is not to say that the victim was not in the wrong, however, a victim who read your post may be inclined to not seek help under the delusion that they are to blame for the abuse, or they deserve it due to their actions.

I speak with some intimate knowledge of an abusive relationship, although I am different to both scenario’s outlined.

My marriage was an Islamic one, even though I live in a western country. My Father first approached me about a young man who was religious and who he liked, and whose family had approached my Father with a marriage proposal. I had never before met the young man, although he told me after we were married that he had seen me twice before asking for me, both times in a public place.

We were Islamically married, and not long after we had a wedding ceremony and lived together. He was controlling from the start. I am not allowed to have social media, I am not allowed to go out without him, except with my father or mother or brother. Not even to the park beside my house. I had to change my entire wardrobe, which i believe now is a good thing. I am not allowed to drive.
There have been other ways he tried to control me, but when he pushes hard on those issues i stick to my decision. When i express this defiance as he views it by refusing his order/request, he becomes angry. He shouts, he insults, he tries shaming, he insults, he ignores. He has never laid a hand on me, but for the longest time i would feel hopeless. Alhamdulillah this week we have not fought.

He is not a bad guy, and we have great times together. I am not perfect, but I do not accept that he can insult me then call it a joke. I don’t speak to anyone about our troubles except for his sister or mother, and that is so that his character is not misunderstood or slandered, because he does not slander my shortcomings. I have to clarify this. May Allah keep my mind clear, ease my heart and guide my tongue that i may speak only truth.

My point in this post is this: the only way that a victim can be aided on a forum such as this is by education and making help available. Allah protect us all and guide us. Using blaming language or judgemental tone will only cause the victim to succumb to her aggressor, under the notion she deserves what she is getting. Alhamdulillah my husband does not silence me, and we can discuss and debate the issue, may Allah keep us peaceful in our communication. He has Alhamdulillah gotten better at controlling himself, and i know why he tries so hard to ‘control’ me, although we still disagree on the validity of his reasons. I do not see that i am harmed by listening to much of what he says, although i would love to have more freedom.

May Allah guide us to what is right and beneficial to us in these issues, both mentioned and silent, and make us grateful and happy with the outcome

I’m very sorry to hear this.
Your story sound similar to mine.
I am from Pakistan but I was raised in the US.
My parents were the same way over critical, over protective, not understanding at all.
When I was 13, they tricked me and my sister to move permanently back to Pakistan and live here.
I hated them for it for a long time. But now 14 years later, I realize they were just confused in America.
Once we shifted here, we eventually (took a few years) communicated better. I could talk to them in their language, they could understand me. I even argued and revolted in their language using local examples. I feel like they loosened their grip..they became less tense. In the US they thought I would become a typical American girl, move out, start dating etc. but here I was allowed to go out, sleep over at friends eventually.

It was USA that made them act the way they did. They wanted us to hold on to our cultural values which I didnt even know. I also didnt know the difference between culture and religion and that one I can choose to ignore (culture) but religion is the main guide.

I urge you to be patient and pray to ALLAH swt to have mercy on your parents and your family to help you understand and communicate with each other better.

Counselling is a great option too but if youre parents are like mine, they would get angry even at the idea of a counsellor. Maybe a local Arab Muslim imam from a local Masjid.

Also do look up emotional intelligence. It helps in all relationships as it helps you understand peoples points of view.

At the end I just want to say know this: deep down inside your parents love you to bits, if any thing were to happen to you they’d be truly crushed..they are acting this way since they are afraid of losing you-it may seem ridiculous to you but they are in a foreign land and see all sorts of things and they fear the worst.
Try to show them you know your roots and you always will even if you are American you can be a good Muslim too.

Best of luck 🙂

I’m extremely sorry for your experience.
Unfortunately the culture in many Muslim countries is very un-islamic and people from these regions follow their culture just as much, if not more than their religion. That explains how overtly religious people can have a hidden agenda.

Thanks for sharing your experience.
We are told to look for one thing in a spouse and that’s deen(religion), but I thing otherwise after reading this.

Outwardly religious men are no guarantee unfortunately, that their hearts have been touched by the light of Quran.

Even non religious, non Muslim, non believing men can be really good to their wives , And that’s one virtue every woman wants.

So how can any one possibly know before marriage.
How do you tell a ‘good soul’ from an ‘evil’ one?

Hi sorry for your suffering.
It sounds alot like a mood disorder-mental health awareness is not high in our societies.
It’s common in many people.
I feel many women can especially be treated with counselling and meds but getting them to agree would be the main problem.

its not the end of it..you can still regain everything ,,if truly u stand firm by Allah..be prayerful..

As I understand from the above conversation I realized that not all but most of the Muslim men are not applying what Allaah want from them with in their home ; O my Muslim brothers and fathers try to keep the rights of your wives and kids. May Allaah keep all of us with in strait path.

i know this is late, but i am literally going through what you just described.

Its a disease that parents like this have. I had an argument with my parents and I have sort of figured out. Parents who abuse their kids and try to justify it as expression of love, discipline etc. just live in this delusional fantasy of life ‘back-home’ (if they are immigrants). Back when they were with their parents, who abused them and taught them it was okay to do so. They’ve never accepted the fact that life is different and they are NOT back home and that abuse is not okay like it was in their culture back home, that their kids may disagree with them and want to be respected and treated right and that parents actually DO have a responsibility to treat us right.

My parents clearly hate me because I am not what they wanted me to be. I am not the typical arab back-home girl who is meek, submissive, outspoken and overly-tolerant of any treatment I get. They HATE that I am outspoken – in their mind, no girl should ever question her treatment. Standards and self-respect are for their naive and good men don’t exist – “Get used to it, you naive child”.

They are deathly afraid of anyone rocking the boat because their entire culture and family structure is built upon it – never question your parents, even if they are abusing you and scarring you permanently.

They think I am uneducated and naive and stupid. Problem is they have never ever sat down with me, got to know me at my level, understood my fears and hopes and dreams, because their parents never did that. They are too insecure to put aside their pride and GET TO KNOW THEIR CHILD! They declare war on me for every little thing and treat me as if I am Al Capone.

If they ever got to know me, they would know that I am ambitious and kind and empathetic and I love doing good. I may not be the stereotypical giggly apron-wearing, quiet domestic, but I am smart, strong, hopeful in God despite EVERYTHING, etc.

They want me to be the girl of their back-home culture – cooking, cleaning, meek, submissive and quiet, no standards and requirements for who I keep in my life. They will break me and hurt me as much as possible to mold me into that. It’s been a lifetime of manipulation and vindictive behaviour, and I just want out.

Muslimah An-Nisaah in Baltimore, MD