By Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

• Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
• Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
• Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
• Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
• Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
• Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
• Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
• Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
• Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
• Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
• Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
• Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere. 

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

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Sources:

http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org

In honor of October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Amal Killawi interviewed Salma Abugideri about her work with domestic violence and the Peaceful Families Project.

Tell us about the Peaceful Families Project.

The Peaceful Families Project was founded in 2000 by Sharifa Alkhateeb, as a result of a survey she conducted to determine the prevalence of domestic violence among Muslims in the United States. She passed away in 2004, but she left behind a legacy—may God have mercy on her soul.

The goal of PFP is to end domestic violence in Muslim families through prevention, to educate people about the prevalence of domestic violence and to use Islamic teachings and values to address attitudes that might either tolerate domestic violence or encourage it.

We believe very strongly that change from our community has to come from within our own Islamic paradigm, and so we’ve based all of our trainings and materials on that belief.

What is the rate of domestic violence in the American Muslim community?

Domestic violence includes all forms of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and spiritual.  Based on the few studies that we have about Muslims in America, we know that 12-18% of Muslims in the United States experience physical abuse, and 30-40% experience emotional abuse. Readers can refer to the 2009 SoundVision survey for example.  Compare these statistics to the well-known fact that 1 in 4 women in the general American population are affected or will be affected by domestic violence at some point in their lifetime. I also come across information of approximately one domestic violence fatality each month in the Muslim community.  My guess is that the numbers are higher because fatalities are sometimes reported as suicides or accidents and not identified as domestic violence.

Some people may challenge these statistics.

Numbers are important to a point, and people certainly need numbers to be convinced that this is a real problem. But it’s really important that when we look at numbers, we pay attention to what these numbers are referring to. Every research study will ask slightly different questions to different populations. Domestic violence is a difficult issue to get solid numbers on, but to me, the numbers that we have are enough to say that this is a serious issue. And as Muslims, we have a responsibility to do something about it and to get rid of it.

Don’t these statistics reinforce the stereotype of Muslim men being abusive to their women?

I’m not saying that Muslim men are more likely to abuse their wives. Muslim women like other women in the world are at risk of getting abused because they have lesser positions of power in the family and in society.  The majority of Muslim men are not abusive.

What are some of the challenges you face in domestic violence work?

People don’t want to consider that we have this problem in our families and communities because they’re afraid that it makes Muslims look bad.  It’s a painful reality that people would rather avoid, deny, or minimize.  Domestic violence is not a popular issue. It’s challenging to get people in the room sometimes, and we have to be very thoughtful and creative in how we frame the issue so people will hear it and digest it. Another challenge is that once people hear about it and come forward, we may not have appropriate resources for people who are suffering from abuse. There are logistical challenges, resource challenges, and attitudinal challenges.

What about the claim that domestic violence advocates break up families?

This is an incorrect presumption. When a person is mistreated in their home, and we name that as abuse or domestic violence, naming it does not create the problem.  The problem is already there. The existence of abuse is what breaks up the family. People in abusive family situations suffer all kinds of long term physical and psychological effects. We want to prevent that from happening by identifying the problem and teaching people about healthy relationships. We want our homes to be safe havens.  Sakeenah (tranquility) is an incredible concept – it’s to feel safe and secure in your home. We want to promote family environments that are safe for every family member—the child, the woman, and the man.

What is the role of the community in addressing domestic violence?

As community members become more educated and aware, they also have a responsibility to make the community a safe space for people to come forward.  We have to get over the notion that it’s none of our business. It is our business, and we have to be informed. We have to know the resources. We have to be willing to listen if somebody comes forward. All of us have a responsibility to promote the message that no form of abuse or injustice is acceptable. We are supposed to be the model community.

It is also very important for our community leaders to speak up.  I often hear from imams that after they speak about domestic violence, many people come forward saying they have this problem.  It gives people permission, and sometimes, people need to hear the community leader’s position before they come forward.

Some people might ask: How do I know if it’s domestic violence?

That’s a question people always ask me. Every relationship has conflict in it. The presence of conflict doesn’t equal domestic violence. Arguments and fights can happen in any family.  However, domestic violence is when one person is being intimidated and controlled by the other person. It’s a pattern of behavior in which the abused person is afraid. Many people argue with their spouse, but they’re not afraid of their spouse. We want to make sure people have the skills to resolve conflict in a healthy way, but there are many unhealthy ways that people resort to that don’t necessarily warrant the label of domestic violence.

What is your advice for people in an abusive family situation?

Unfortunately, in cases of domestic violence, it’s often very difficult to get the whole family back on track. Most of the time, abusers are not willing to recognize or admit to the abuse, and they’re not ready to seek help or to change. Abusers are usually too busy blaming the victims and their advocates for breaking up the family, but they’re not willing to make changes themselves.

Counseling can help when people want to be helped and when they admit that there is a problem. Divorce is also an option, and it isn’t necessarily a bad outcome. Divorce can save a person’s life—whether it’s their physical life or spiritual/psychological life. I’ve seen many abused women completely turn away from Islam as a result of their abuser using Islam as the primary weapon. I’ve seen many teenagers turn away from Islam because they’ve seen their Muslim parent be abusive or they’ve experienced abuse at the hands of a Muslim parent. Often times, I’m invited to communities to speak on the issue after the janazah (funeral prayer) of a victim killed by domestic violence. I don’t want to wait until there is a tragedy.

Everyone deserves to be in a good relationship. People should seek help before things get to crisis proportions. The earlier people seek help, the more likely it is that change will happen and the relationship may be saved.

How can others support your work?

Help us get more accurate statistics. The largest sample size we have now is the 2009 SoundVision survey with 241 participants, but that’s not enough of a sample size to give us an accurate picture. Peaceful Families Project teamed up with Project Sakinah to conduct a national survey assessing Muslim Attitudes about Domestic Violence.  We would like to have a representative sample of Muslims in America.

Help us by taking the survey at www.muslimsurveys.org and please share with others.

To learn more about the Peaceful Families Project, visit our website: www.peacefulfamilies.org.

The statistics of men abused by their wives is difficult to determine, but the Bureau of Justice Statistic Crime Data Brief on “Intimate Partner Violence” (2003), found approximately 15% of domestic violence cases involve men as the victims. This statistic may be even higher because the abuse of men usually goes unreported. Oregoncounseling.org reports that 30-40% of domestic violence cases involve men being abused by women. The reality is that men report abuse less than women; even when they do report incidents, there is little support and scarce resources to help them.

Abused men also react differently and are treated differently by society than abused women. The impact of abuse towards husbands is less apparent and less likely to come to society’s attention. Sadly, for men who do report being abused, the people around them are usually surprised, and instead of dealing with the abuse, they may just minimize it or not believe them at all. Comments such as “you’re tough, a woman can’t hurt you” or “take it like a man” or “what did you do to upset her?” all lay blame on the man for the abuse and even suggest he should be able to “take the abuse” without complaining.

Abuse against men has some similarities and differences from how it manifests towards women. For both, physical abuse includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, striking with an object or using a weapon. Men are also quicker to resort to physical abuse in a relationship and are capable of more brutal physical assaults than woman.

Emotional abuse however, has very different effects on men and women. Calling a man a ‘coward’ or a ‘failure’ for example, is more psychologically humiliating than for a woman. Emotional abuse is an area where women are often more brutal than men and in most cases men are more affected by emotional torment than physical attacks. For a man, being mocked and humiliated in front of other men by his wife can be more devastating than being punched. Men may tolerate physical abuse from their wife because they feel they live up to the code of “never hitting a woman.” However, being humiliated by a woman is extremely devastating and can have far more severe consequences.

Emotional abuse includes verbal attacks such as yelling, blaming, ridiculing, name-calling, intimidation, controlling behaviors, isolation from family or friends, shaming, and threats of physical violence. Emotional abuse often escalates to the point of physical abuse and in some cases, even death.

Men in abusive relationships say they feel they “walk on eggshells” around their wife in order to “keep the peace” and try to prevent her from having an angry reaction. There are underlying psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent towards their husbands. According to Batteredmen.com, Borderline Personality Disorder is a diagnosis that is found primarily in women; 50% of abuse cases against men are associated with women who have Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems and drug abuse.

Consider this case and see if you can find the early warning signs of abuse:

Adam met Aliya nine years ago when they were working together at the hospital. She was an incredibly smart nurse who was outgoing and got along with all the staff. Adam was an accomplished cardiologist who worked long hours and loved his profession. Adam was intrigued by Aliya and her quick wit; they had wonderful conversations and found they had a lot in common. Adam courted Aliya for six months and she repeatedly insisted that he needed to be a man and propose to her already. He loved her and so he asked her to marry him. As they began making plans for the wedding, Aliya got highly emotional and her short temper became more apparent. Adam wanted her to be happy and have the wedding of her dreams so he tried to defuse arguments by agreeing to her demands. He got used to expecting her mood swings when things didn’t work out the way she wanted, so he would try to avoid arguments with her.

Many times Adam felt he had to hide what he was really feeling so as not to upset Aliya. She usually blamed him for the way she reacted and told him she loved him so much that he made her act crazy some times. Because he knew she was insecure, he forgave her and constantly reassured her that he loved her. One night when he came home from the hospital, he found Aliya in the kitchen angry. She started yelling at him for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on his way home. She called him an idiot and an awful husband and said she could never rely on him to do anything for her. He began to apologize, but Aliya cut him off and continued to yell at him. She picked up a plate off the counter and threw it at him. He was shocked at her explosion and repeatedly tried to calm her down. She got angrier and slapped him for trying to control how she was feeling. Adam emotionally shut down and decided to walk away from the argument as she continued to yell obscenities at him. Adam felt like he couldn’t do anything right to make her happy.

He tried to talk to her family and friends about her behavior but everyone told him he just needed to be more understanding and patient. He tried to get her to go to counseling with him for their problems and she refused. She continued to blame him for being unhappy in the marriage and insisted he was the one who needed to change. Over the years, she would increasingly get frustrated with him and assume he was doing things to frustrate her on purpose. She would throw things at him, vases and knives, slap him, punch him, and shove him back. Adam began working longer at the hospital so that he didn’t have to go home and deal with her. He felt stuck in his marriage because he still felt sympathy towards Aliya since she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. Furthermore, he made a commitment to her when he married her that he was going to be her protector no matter what.

Why Do Men Stay?

Men stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They may feel that there is no way out, often ignoring the initial symptoms of an emotionally abusive spouse which may have quickly turned into a physically abusive relationship. Further men may be emotionally or financially dependent on their wives.. The idea of leaving the relationship may bring up feelings of anxiety or depression due to a fear of being alone or facing the stigma of separation. Instead of dealing with the feelings of being alone he will tell himself he just needs to be a better husband, assuming the blame in the relationship for not doing his part, and feeling that he deserves the abuse.

Men may carry forward unrealistic beliefs that they can and should do something to make the marriage bearable. Abused men with children may be afraid to leave because of threats from wives to abduct the children or not allowing fathers to see them. A man may also  fear  leaving the children alone with an abusive mother  as she may harm them too. The legal system cannot guarantee joint custody and so, in a weaker position, fathers could lose access to their children. Additionally, men may fear a bias in the legal system, which sides with the wife who might accuse him of abusing her – and the judge might believe her.

There is also a paternal reputation at stake as fathers may worry their wives will  tell his children that he is a bad person or that he does not love them. Often there is a worry of being stigmatized or labeled as “spineless,” or “wimps,” for being overly dependent on the woman. Abused men are usually too afraid to share or admit to others they are being abused because they fear it is a sign of losing their manhood.

Many men will simply stay in abusive relationships and “retreat” from the abuser by staying busy at work and coming home late. In order for a man to leave an abusive relationship, he needs to begin developing emotional independence. A man who stays in an abusive relationship feels like he “can’t be alone” as men depend on women to take care of them physically, emotionally and sexually. Learning independence and being comfortable alone will help a man grow emotionally. This growth will also help him stop the cycle of abuse by recognizing the patterns of abusive women.. Change is difficult, but when a man is ready to acknowledge the abuse and take action, he will be able to make a decision that is best for him and his family insha’Allah. Being alone and raising children alone can be a scary prospect, but once a man finds inner strength to do things differently in the relationship, he will be able to regain his self-worth and self- respect.

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. One resource is the book, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Phillip Cook. Abused men can also get support through private counseling services or they can contact The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women at www.dahmw.org.

Real Men Don’t Hit Women Pt1 – w/Khalid Latif from Khalid Latif on Vimeo.

Real Men Don’t Hit Women Pt2 – w/Khalid Latif from Khalid Latif on Vimeo.