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I still remember my mother’s homemade vanilla ice cream. I remember the weekend getaway with my mom and dad, when I was around four. I remember my mom beautifying herself for her husband with an exquisite collection of perfume, makeup and lipstick. My mother was my universe: everything about her felt right, beautiful, and correct. She was a strict parent, but she was just, cheerful and loving as well. This was a couple of decades ago. Today, I am 24, and those beautiful shades of my mother have been fading away with time.

Now, my mother rarely smiles. She stopped cooking for us a long time ago. The maid does everything, including teaching me traditional recipes (something that would be more special coming from one’s own mother). Moreover, she has also stopped pampering herself over the years. Now when I look at my mother, I see a lot of fatigue, I feel a lot of resentment, sadness and anger. Her husband has been unfaithful and unjust to her for decades. She must have wondered: Why bother? Why put all the effort when I am still going to be cheated on? Why try new recipes for a man who does not eat at home anymore? Why give him all of my heart, when I know that I am going to be hurt, over and over again?

In my country, infidelity is common practice among men (Muslims and non-Muslims alike). The double standard in our culture baffles me: Wives are expected to remain obedient and chaste to their husbands, while husbands allow themselves to commit adultery, secretly and openly. This mentality has intoxicated younger generations as well. Young men debate with young girls about “their right” to be unfaithful to their wives. Since I only had limited knowledge about Islam back then (praying 5 times a day, and fasting during the month of Ramadan), I truly began to believe that religion had no say in the matter.

Although my West African country is a secular state, I grew up surrounded by many Muslim neighbors and friends in my hometown. The problem is, many of those Muslims grew up without truly understanding their faith, taking it more as a tradition rather than a complete way of life. Arabic is not our first language, and the sacred texts are sometimes presented to the common Muslims as something harsh, restraining, and — unfortunately — backwards. There is a big gap between Muslim clerics and “modern Muslims”, and one group enjoys making fun of the other. Consequently, the common people have made their own rules as to what is permissible and forbidden, gender roles, and, as you have probably guessed, rules regarding the chastity of men and women.

I used to be very confused about Islam as a teenager. I was going to the madrasa (Islamic school) every weekend to learn Qur’an with tajweed (proper pronunciation), but I had so many questions, I was afraid to ask my teacher (who used to be kind, but a little too conservative for me). Please understand that the following questions were based on my ignorance at the time:

Why are Muslim women not allowed to go to the mosque in our town? Why are (Muslim) boys allowed to go out to nightclubs while (Muslim) girls must stay at home? Why do women have to cover themselves, while men are allowed to dress as they want? Is modesty a requirement for women only? Why is a woman supposed to be a virgin for her future spouse, when a man is expected to have already committed zina (adultery) before marriage?

Fathers do not seem to realize how much their actions impact not only their sons, but also their daughters. Infidelity destroys the family: When dad is not faithful to mom, in most cases, the children know it. They are just too embarrassed to talk about it. Children notice that mom is not happy anymore, and that dad does not stay at home very often. Therefore, they no longer look up to their fathers, and in the case of daughters, many find solace in impermissible relationships. The daughter does not perceive marriage as a source of love, rather, as an institutionalized prison for women. She does not appreciate gheerah (protective jealousy) from her father anymore, because she is still having a hard time comprehending why he would not protect himself from sinning with another man’s daughter.

These facts broke my heart to pieces. I began to believe that our religion was favoring men over women, because nobody spoke out against the issue, and certainly not “religious people”. At one point, I even considered leaving Islam if I did not find clear answers to my questions. I needed a sense of peace, a sense of justice. Little did I know about the gems of surah (chapter) 7: Al A’raf, and surah 24: An Noor. Little did I know about the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) love for modesty and his recommendation to Muslim men: kindness to their wives, and being the best to their families.

AlhamdulilLah (thank God), my perception of Islam changed when I went to do my university studies in the U.S. For the first time, I saw sisters going to the masjid (mosque), youth being proud of being Muslims, and sisters proudly wearing their hijab. In this environment, Islamic tradition and modernity went hand in hand. Over time, I learned in the Noble Qur’an verses that bring me peace until today:

“Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do.” (Qur’an, 16:97)

Wait: Do you mean that men will have to answer about their misdeeds just as women will? What about fornication and adultery?

“Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.” (Qur’an, 24:30)

Masha’Allah (what God wills)! Chastity is also a man’s duty. Nobody had told me this. Naturally, I felt a lot more at ease when I read the following verse:

“And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their headcovers over their chests […]” (Qur’an, 24:31)

What a relief! As a woman, a servant of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), I am supposed to guard my modesty for the sake of Allah (swt), not to accommodate men. A man is supposed to guard his chastity regardless of the circumstances. If my future husband expects me to be chaste by the time we get married, I have every right to expect him to be chaste as well.

“[…] And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity” (Qur’an, 24:26)

Islam empowers me as a woman, and inspires me to break the cycle. What can I do differently than my hundreds of uncles and aunts who have broken marriages in our communities today? How can I avoid that path for myself?

• I must educate myself about Islam, as a servant of Allah (swt), and as a future wife and mother.

• Instead of marrying someone solely because of his physical appearance, I must first look at his relationship with Allah (swt): Does he understand and practice his religion? Does he know the rights and duties between spouses in Islam? Is he prepared to be a good father?
• The usual things will still be important of course: education, occupation, hobbies, etc. But these things will all come second, as I ask Allah (swt) for guidance in my prayers.

I do not expect him to be perfect, because I myself have a lot to work on. But I pray that Allah (swt) make him a loving and faithful companion for me, and a great father for our sons and daughters. I am ready to break free from negativity. Allah (swt) has power over all things.

My dream is to conduct workshops in order to restore thousands of teenage girls’ broken hearts, and to restore the respect boys must have for women in general. I hope in the near future to teach the youth of my home country about the blessings of modesty and chastity in Islam. I pray that this helps cleanse our community, and serve mankind at large. I humbly ask you to keep me in your prayers, and to join this noble cause wherever you are, in order to make this earth a better place with happier families.

P.S.: For those of you who are interested, I recommend that you look up brother Nouman Ali Khan’s series on “Shame”, which was truly an eye opener for me.

By Amina Atwel

Battling Temptation: Part I | Part II

You might think only men suffer from Ahmed’s problem (Part I). But let me tell you about Mona.

She was a very bright, energetic sister in her mid-20s—a graduate student working part-time and volunteering regularly at the local masjid and several Islamic organizations. She led halaqahs (gatherings), helped organize da`wah (outreach) events, and facilitated youth group gatherings and discussions. The brothers respected her and jokingly called her ‘shaykha’ (scholar) because she wouldn’t mingle and flirt with men. The girls looked up to her and wanted to be just like her. She was all around a top-notch Muslimah.

Mona had her head on straight, but just too much on her plate. She felt stressed and overwhelmed sometimes, and it showed on her. One of her Muslim classmates noticed, and would often ask her if she’s ok. Initially, she was guarded and told him not to worry. But he kept prodding her day after day until she finally opened up—and actually broke down. He stayed with her and comforted her.

She liked that he cared and showed a lot of concern. When she expressed her feelings, he would listen without judging or telling her what to do or change. He made her smile, and cheered her up. Every time she talked to him, she felt a load lift off her shoulders.

Now, she started looking forward to seeing him every day. She liked his optimism and positive attitude. He became her energy fix. The way he looked at her made her feel wanted. The way he spoke to her made her feel loved. He had something else on his mind, but she had no idea.

He was a married man. She never imagined that she’d fall in love before marriage, let alone with someone who was taken. She felt guilty and torn, but was already too attached to him—to how he made her feel.

Her heart soaked him up, and swelled with love, and lust. She wanted him near her. She wanted to smell him and feel his touch. No, no, no. She knew that she shouldn’t have these feelings and impure thoughts. She knew so well that Allah was closer to her than her own jugular vein, and that he was well aware of her secrets. Yet, every time she was with him, she’d forget all that. She’d actually forget Allah momentarily, because desire consumed her senses.

Mona had become enslaved to her lover, and that was when she lost all self-control.

This is just one way it happens. It takes different catalysts for other single, divorced or even married women, and it plays out in a myriad other ways. The truth is that even the most apparently religious sisters deal with temptation and lust for men—Muslim and non-Muslim.

For some women, it’s the man’s physique that might turn her on. Those defined, shirtless bodies, alluring poses, and seductive glances are not flaunted in magazines, stores, and ads for nothing. If these images didn’t entice women, then Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (glorified is He) would not have commanded women to lower their gaze just like He commanded men.

But for many other women, it doesn’t begin with physical appeal. It could be a man’s confidence, sense of humor, or intelligence that draws her to him. Some women might find his affection and generosity very attractive. It could be his eloquence or how he compliments her, or goes out of his way to help her—or just his charisma and position of authority. Many women fall for their teachers, professors, or shuyukh (scholars) and even try to seduce them when they’re married (the reverse is also true, but that’s another topic).

The Qur’an tells of a group of women who fell head over heels for the most pious, modest and handsome bachelor of his time—Yusuf (peace be upon him).  The ‘wife of al-`Aziz’ was married, obviously, but that didn’t stop her. She went all out to entrap him and force him into the unthinkable. Her heart, like Mona’s, had already been inflamed with love.

That is why you don’t find Allah (swt) telling us not to commit adultery. He says do not come near adultery (Qur’an, 17:32). Because before you fall off the cliff, your heart, thoughts and limbs have to venture into dangerous places that are off-limits.

The issue is not whether or not women can be tempted. It’s how much they allow their hearts to be consumed with lust before they realize they’re in trouble.  For some women, it might only be fleeting thoughts and feelings. For others, it’s the constant exposure to the same triggers that drives them to act upon their urges. If they’re feeling bored, neglected or rejected at home, they will be tempted to find fulfillment, excitement and acceptance outside the home. If they see a couple hugging and kissing affectionately, or hear a love song that churns their emotions, they will want affection from a loving man. If they keep admiring that same handsome co-worker at work, they will get a little too up-close and personal. It’s a slippery slope when we choose to keep following our desires—and Satan’s footsteps.

What begins as an innocent look or friendly email or text message can escalate into an intimate relationship that leaves one leading a tormenting life of secrecy and shamefulness. There might be some momentary pleasures and satisfaction, but they pass so quickly, and leave you with long-lasting pain and guilt. Seeking forgiveness might alleviate your pain, but it’s still hard to forget—especially when you’ve hurt loved ones and lost their trust.

Aside from the tips mentioned in Part I (which are applicable to women too), I would add for women the dire necessity of a solid support system of female friends. Not only should they be trusted friends whom you can confide in and open up to when you have personal problems, but they should support you in strengthening, not destroying, your marriage, finding you a good husband if you’re not married, and keeping you away from tempting situations and environments. If the time with your girlfriends is spent drooling over hot actors, watching romantic comedies, and stalking cute men at work or school, it’s time to make new friends who can raise the bar for your emotional and spiritual growth.

It is truly by Allah’s mercy that a woman can guard her chastity and not fall into temptation these days. May all the struggling women be blessed with righteous husbands who can be sources of love, mercy, and tranquility, as well as fun, excitement, and emotional and physical fulfillment.

I leave you with a supplication of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) on that beautiful feeling of love:

 “Allahumma inni as’aluka hubbaaka wa hubba man yanfa`uni hubbuhu `indak.

Allahumma ma razaqtani mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li quwwatan fi ma tuhibb.

Allaahumma ma zawayta `anni mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li faraaghan fi ma tuhibb.” 

“O Allah, I ask you for Your love, and the love of the one whose love benefits me with You.

O Allah, whatever You have bestowed upon me of what I love, let it be a strength for me in what You love.

O Allah, whatever You withhold from me of what I love, let it be a void (to be filled) with what You love.”

Battling Temptation: Part I | Part II

You know Ahmad, right? He’s that bro you always saw running around the masjid, coordinating events, making way for sisters, and cleaning up after everyone left. He was a prominent activist in the community, and was loved by everyone he met. The youth, especially, bonded with him, and they often sought his help with their problems—from parental control to dating or even sex and drug addictions.

At work, people knew Ahmad as the only “practicing” Muslim. He prayed openly and tried not to shake hands with women—most of them knew to keep their distance. He was quite the handsome fella though; when he’d arrive to work some of the younger ladies would nudge each other and whisper and giggle almost childishly. A few of them even wore revealing clothes and acted flirtatiously with him just to tease him. But his faith kept him resistant; he’d often explain to them the etiquettes of interaction between men and women in Islam, trying all-the-while to lower his gaze and then mind his own business.

That worked for a while, but before he knew it, Satan had gotten the best of him; he slowly began stealing glances at them secretly every now and then. He’d catch himself and remember Allah’s words: “He sees the betrayal of the eyes, and what the hearts conceal.” He’d force himself to focus on his work again. Bit by bit, though, he started convincing himself that it’s only a glance, and at least he’s not actually doing anything wrong with them. He got comfortable with his glances, which became longer stares and full-blown visual examinations after some time.

Soon enough, he looked so frequently that even when he’d leave from work, their contours and gestures would replay in his mind. He started having lustful thoughts many times throughout the day. These feelings became stronger and stronger, until his heart became inflamed with desire, and severe longing to be with one of them.  But he had enough faith and taqwa (God-consciousness) left in his heart to know that such an act would be out of the question; he would just feel too ashamed of himself before Allah to fall into such a situation.

To satisfy himself without harming anyone else or his reputation, he began spending his nights looking at porn, which eventually led him to masturbation. He’d feel so utterly disgusted and ashamed of himself afterwards, but his desires had become too intense. Soon he became addicted to the very same things he counseled the youth about! The feeling of hypocrisy ate at his heart, and he decided to isolate himself from the brothers who needed him.

After some time, he decreased much of his activism, which led him to spend more hours at work—until one day, he stayed overtime, found one of his female co-workers lingering and making advances; he froze, temptation ignited, and all hell broke loose…

You might not be “Ahmad”—or maybe you are. It might go down differently with each person, but the reality is that the temptations brothers and sisters are bombarded with at work, in the street, at the gym, on billboards, or on TV can make even the strongest and most Islamically active of them fall. If their work or activism isn’t coupled with intense spiritual fortification, they have trouble taming their desires and end up following the footsteps of Satan—who gladly traverses with them the spectrum of minor sins to the major sin of adultery, once, twice or habitually. If their heart is not hardened with sin yet, they most likely experience feelings of extreme guilt, disgust, and depression.

Some leave the jama`ah (community) out of feelings of hypocrisy, failing to see that this is Satan’s tactic to bury them in their sin even more. If they are married, their sex life with their spouses takes a hit and their wives notice that they no longer need them as much to satisfy their desires. The wives might think something is wrong with their appeal, and they might change their dress and approaches to entice their husbands, but without avail. They become pained and sad because they can’t please their husbands, not realizing that their husband’s desires are being fulfilled elsewhere.

How Do I Stop?!

Whether your struggle is at the initial stages of guarding your gaze and thoughts, or at the level of looking at porn, masturbation, or actual adultery (may Allah protect us all), these are some suggestions and tips to help in battling the temptation:

1. Check Your Heart. While you might think the problem lies in the attractiveness of the opposite gender, sins don’t materialize unless the heart itself is vulnerable. As Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) says: “And do not be soft in speech lest the one with a diseased heart will long (for you).” The Prophet ﷺ also states in an illustrative hadith: “Trials are presented to the heart (repeatedly) as a mat is woven straw by straw. So, whichever heart absorbs it, a black spot is blotched on it, and whichever heart deflects it, a white dot is spotted on it. (This continues) until hearts become one of two states: a whitened heart that is not harmed by any trial so long as the heavens and the earth remain, or a blackened, deviant heart that knows no good and rejects no evil except what it absorbs of its desires” (Reported by Muslim).
2. Strengthen the Resolve. If you’re not highly committed to making a change, you’ll quit if your first few attempts to stop the sin end in failure. Take some time to make a sincere intention to put an end to your bad habits for Allah’s sake. Every time you think of letting go again, remember your commitment, your desire to please Allah, and the benefits that await you in this life and the hereafter if you stay patient.
3. Know the Consequences. If you can’t grasp the sins’ effects, you probably won’t have the drive to change. Know that these sins drain the imaan (faith) in your heart and distance you from Allah; they spoil your mood with feelings of guilt and depression, and decrease your inner happiness; if you’re married, they ruin your sex life with your spouse and could lead you eventually to divorce; also, your hereafter won’t be too pleasant if you insist on these sins (especially adultery) and don’t repent.
4. Boost the Imaan Dosage. With this struggle, you can’t just pray five times a day. Keep up with your sunnah prayers (before and after the obligatory ones), Duha (morning) prayers, night prayers, and Witr prayer—prolonging your rukū` and sujūd in each of them. Infuse your days, hours, minutes, and seconds with reflective dhikr and recitation of the Qur’an, and consciously feel the meanings with your heart before your tongue utters the words. Don’t give up if you can’t feel anything! Keep trying and trying until you do. Be more consistent with your fasting so it can curb your urges and make you feel closer to Allah. All these worships will build you an impenetrable fortress to protect you from Satan’s traps, and the black cannonballs catapulted constantly at your heart.
5. Block the Means. Find the problem and sever it from its roots. If it’s your co-workers and you can’t cap the temptation, limit your interaction, change your hours or division if possible, or switch jobs if your situation is getting out of hand. If it’s the net, restrict your access and keep your computer in view of others. If it’s on the street, occupy your eyes and ears with Allah’s words, or keep your face buried in a book or newspaper (not if you’re driving of course!) until you reach your destination. If you catch a glimpse and feel the urge, immediately seek refuge in Allah from Satan, and ask for forgiveness; and if you’re not married, get married! Easier said than done, I know; but if you’re married, have relations with your wife as soon as possible (as the Prophet ﷺ advised).
6. Practice Personal Penalty. Set a certain penalty for yourself (i.e. giving charity, praying all night, fasting consecutively), then enforce the penalty every time you slip. Increase the penalty in increments or duration the more you keep doing the sin. Soon enough, your desire to not be broke and to rest or eat will outweigh the need to fulfill your other desire. Plus, these good deeds are a means of expiating your sins and gaining the mercy of Allah, so if it doesn’t get you to stop, at least you’ll help counterbalance your sins with good deeds. If your chosen penalty doesn’t work with you, change it to something more effective, or enforce more than one penalty simultaneously.
7. Keep Yourself Occupied. After Satan, boredom is your worst enemy in this struggle. Make sure you stay busy and make yourself useful; read books, write articles, go jogging, lift weights, visit people, work on new projects, do community service, teach children; no matter how bad your sin is, don’t let Satan deceive you into feeling hypocritical and cutting you off from everyone. Praise Allah for concealing your secret sin as you struggle with it privately, and keep contributing as before, and even more.
8. Stay with the Righteous. Don’t let your feeling of shame and embarrassment get you to avoid the people who can help you change! Allah says: “And keep yourself patiently with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance; and let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is lost.” (Qur’an, 18:28) Live this verse, day and night. Find the people who remind you of Allah, and stick to them like bees to honey (as Imam Suhaib would say). Pray in congregation, attend study circles consistently, and socialize frequently with them. Find the ones you look up to for their character, and ask them (indirectly if need be) for advice on how to increase modesty and curb bad habits.
9. Never Quit Repenting. Never, ever, ever give up on Allah’s mercy and forgiveness! Satan messes with your mind and gets you to think your sin is so great that Allah will not forgive it. But Allah forgives all sins, and He extends His Hand out during the day and the night so all the sinners can repent. He says: “Allah wants to accept your repentance, but those who follow [their] passions want you to digress [into] a great deviation.” After explaining how the servants of the Most Merciful don’t commit adultery, and how adulterers are punished severely, Allah states: “Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good (ones). And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” How cool is that? Your repentance will transform all your bad deeds into good deeds!! So, even if you find yourself falling into sin over and over, repent repeatedly and sincerely every time, and you’ll find that Allah will grant you an outlet sooner than you think.
10. Make Mad Supplication. Last but not least, talk to Allah; show him how much you really want to change! Do it humbly and follow the etiquettes of du`a’: make ablution, face the qiblah, raise your palms up, praise him with His most beautiful Names, pray upon the Prophet ﷺ.  Then, ask Him to help you overcome your habits or addiction, and replace your lusts and desires with His love and the desire to please Him. Pray softly, humbly and with awe and fear (if you cry, that’s even better)—and trust that Allah will answer your prayers. Do this often; after the call to prayer, after you pray, and in the last third of the night.

Also, when Abu Bakr (my Allah be pleased with him) asked the Prophet ﷺ for dhikr to recite in the morning and evening, he ﷺ told him to say this (learn this supplication, and say it often):

Allahumma `ālim al-ghaybi wa’l-shahādati fātir al-samāwāti wa’l-ardi rabba kulli shay’in wa malīkah; ash-hadu an lā ilāha illa ant, a`ūdhu bika min sharri nafsī, wa min sharri’l-shaytāni wa shirkih (sharakih), wa ‘an aqtarifa `ala nafsī sū’an aw ajurrahu ilā Muslim.

“O Allah, Knower of the unseen and the evident, Maker of the heavens and the earth, Lord of everything and its Possessor, I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but You. I seek refuge in You from the evil of my soul and from the evil of Satan and his helpers (or traps); and from bringing evil upon my soul and from harming any Muslim.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi)

Insha’Allah (God willing) the readers can also share their thoughts and suggestions.

May Allah purify the heart of every struggling soul and keep us all firm on the straight path. Amin!