I spent my time at a recent wedding listening to people’s marriage problems. As the guests danced the night away in celebration, I sat in the back of the hall talking about shattered dreams and unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes, we had to scream to hear each other over the music. There was the young woman whose husband wouldn’t let her finish her education. Then, a friend wanted advice about dealing with her in-laws. And a mother cried as she shared her worries about welcoming her daughter home as a divorcee.

What a night! The reception ended with the passing of favors and du`a’ (supplication) for the newlyweds. I remember making extra du`a’ for the bride and groom.  Dear God, please bless them with a lasting and healthy union. Ameen. I left the wedding in deep thought and had trouble falling asleep that night. I was so moved by the irony of that experience.

In just the past few months, a significant number of marriages in my community have ended in divorce.  I know many more couples are on the verge of separation. Don’t get me wrong. I personally believe that divorce can be a healthier, and sometimes necessary, option.  But why are so many marriages ending so soon? What needs to change to foster a culture of commitment and responsibility?

All the stories shared with me that night had a common theme: None of the couples had premarital counseling before they got married.  No one had prepared them for the challenges of marriage, and many of their problems stemmed from issues that were not discussed before the wedding. A recent study ((Macfarlane, J. (2012). Understanding Trends in American Muslim Divorce and Marriage: A Discussion Guide for Families and Communities. Available from http://ispu.org/pdfs/ISPU%20Report_Marriage%20II_Macfarlane_WEB.pdf)) about divorce in the Muslim community found that none of the divorced men and women in the study had formal premarital counseling, other than a brief meeting with an imam. Many of them wished they had been offered more extensive premarital counseling, and that they had easier access to counseling services once they were married and experiencing problems. It’s a sad testimony to the lack of marriage preparation in our communities.

When a couple announces their engagement, we rush to celebrate. Have we stopped to consider how much preparation and support the new couple will need for this decision of a lifetime? How many couples truly know what they’re getting into when they’re smiling for pictures on their wedding day? The love and excitement of the new relationship often blinds them from comprehending the reality that marriage is a sacred covenant with God. Wouldn’t it make sense to prepare for this spiritual partnership?

How is it that we invest so much time, money, and energy preparing for the wedding celebration and not for the marriage? We consider the smallest details for that special evening; yet we ignore the essential reason for our celebration—a commitment to spend a lifetime with another human being.  As one woman said to me, “I had two months to plan for the wedding. I was in love, and didn’t have time to think about any issue!”

Many couples mistakenly believe that they don’t need counseling before marriage and that conflict should be avoided. However, a certain level of conflict is healthy and necessary, and premarital counseling can offer an opportunity to discuss potential problematic issues.

Consider premarital counseling before you make a commitment for marriage.  According to Lisa Kift ((Adapted from Getting Married? 6 Great Reasons to Get Premarital Counseling
http://family-marriage-counseling.com/mentalhealth/getting-married-6-great-reasons-to-get-premarital-counseling.htm)) , a marriage and family therapist, premarital counseling will help you:

1. Discuss role expectations. It’s important to talk about the responsibilities of each partner in marriage – who will take care of the finances, chores, etc? Discussing roles early on will clarify expectations for the future.
2. Explore your spiritual and religious beliefs. What are your views on music, hijab, zabiha meat, and following a certain madhab (school of thought)? Discussing these issues ahead of time will help determine your compatibility and help you learn to manage different opinions.
3. Identify any family of origin issues. Much of what we learn about relationships comes from our parents and other family members. Identifying our early influences and discussing our learned behaviors will help us understand how this might play out in marriage.
4. Learn communication and conflict resolution skills. Couples that communicate effectively can resolve conflicts more effectively. This will allow you to spend less time arguing and more time understanding.
5. Develop personal, couple, and family goals. You are committing to share a life with someone. Isn’t it important to discuss what you want your future to look like together? Where do you want to be in three years? How many children do you want to have? Outlining a plan for life can be a wonderful way to learn about each other and to strengthen your commitment to each other.

Premarital counseling can protect couples from much heartache and conflict. Since prevention is central to our deen, many imams and community leaders now require premarital counseling and education prior to the marriage ceremony—a guaranteed investment in happier couples and healthier marriages.

What’s your take?

• Do you think that premarital counseling would be helpful to prospective spouses?
• What issues should be covered/ discussed in premarital counseling?
• How can couples be encouraged to attend premarital counseling?

Share your thoughts below.

Earlier this year, The Federation of Student Islamic Societies (

By Amal Saffour

Once upon a time, night had been his friend.

Underneath her cloak he would sit and watch the city. If the city slept, night was his comrade and his companion. She was his armchair for reflection, his schoolbook, inspiring him with lines of poetry and undiscovered treasures of imagination.

And if the city was alive, if she danced to the tunes of a wedding, burst with the beeps and bustle of traffic, winked at him with her lights; she opened for him the doors of discovery, curiosity, and adventure. His heart raced with the music, his feet itched with delight and longing. The shop lights would beckon at him as he pictured chicken on rotating skewers, the knife coming down on them gently. The quick wrap of bread by nimble fingers. Saha (good health) move on. What’s your order?

Often he would sit on the roadside with his friends, wraps shared between them, meat and yogurt sauce lingering between their teeth. Pass me your unwanted pickles, fat Hassan would laugh. But most of us liked our pickles anyway. The stones are gathered. Who can flick the farthest? Giggles and banter replaced by concentration. Sharp, successive flicks – the sounds of “chinks” recoiling against the wall. Hassan as usual not getting very far. We gather to survey the results, negotiate stones, and take our positions once again. Pause, as a family decides to walk past.

This was the night. It was life and bustle, peace and discovery, friendship and comfort. And that night was no more.

She had disappeared into history books, stacked away in an unknown classroom. She was a dream no longer sought. Her memories were numb. His eyes did not search for her. His arms did not seek her embrace.

He stood outside in the darkness. A sharp wind tugged against the tents. Stones scuffled beneath his soles, welcoming him with a familiar pierce. The hot air dried the sweat of a nightmare off his face. Around him and behind him, he heard soft sobs, muffled cries, heavy breathing, and an overwhelming silence. The silence of uncertainty, of fear.

The vast sky could have meant endless horizons… but it didn’t. Its twinkling stars may one day have spoken to him, but tonight they did not seem to know him. Its sea of blue could have been the ink of his imagination—his poetry. But all he saw was blackness and rejection.

Not peace, but turbulence in his heart. Its rapid beatings brought back the flashbacks of his nightmare, of things his young eyes should not have seen. “Hassan, is that you?” Hand sticking out of rubble, as if waving… but ever so still. Like when they performed a play at school and that Mahmoud, ever so brilliant at acting, kept the audience on their toes and brought tears to the mother’s eyes as he lay dead in pretence. But this time? This was real death. Not an actor on the floor in a school hall who would get up and laugh at the end of it, but someone who would remain still…forever. Hassan was forever still.

Another jolt, another memory. A terrible sound – like a thousand trays had crashed to the floor. And flashes of light that made them run to their mother. Feelings he did not know, could not describe, were pulling and grabbing at his throat. Why was he shaking, shivering, his flesh jumping, crying ecstatically? O mama, what are these sounds? O Mama, save me!

This now was the night. Not friendly beckoning lights, but images of fire raging angrily in his face. No sound of music or life, but memories of explosions – of screams from hell. Night was his sister’s hollow eyes. Night had destroyed his home, stolen his brother. Night was Hassan’s white face, sometimes asking for pickles, bursting into a smile, and then forever remaining still.

Night fought with his head: tumbling images, tightly wrapped emotions, till exhausted, he sunk to his knees.  I don’t know.

I don’t know.

What would Mr. Ahmed say? I can’t even write poetry anymore. Hassan… why is your face so white? Why did you wave at me if you weren’t going to come back? Why didn’t you hide yourself underneath all that rubble? Night… why did you betray me?

And like he did in every night… he released. To horrors indescribable. To miseries far reaching. A sticky wetness spread into his trousers, wetting himself, as he pulled himself together and sobbed his shame into the night.

And night, powerless, wishing she could reach out and bring back their days of happiness… cried out in anguish and sorrow at what humanity had made of her.

But humanity, dumb and blind, never heard her.

Amal Saffour studied English Language and Literature at Kings College London and thereafter did her PGCE at the Institute of Education. A qualified teacher, she recently left teaching to work in a Syrian Human Rights organisation, as well as the charitable sector. As someone who loves and values the power of words, she blogs her poetry and reflections at www.homeboundblogger.wordpress.com, with plans to develop it further. Amal was also Vice President of FOSIS between 2010-12 and has been active in community and youth work in the UK.

Part I | Part II

The other day as I was leaving work, I overheard a woman talking on the phone. She was standing at the front of the bus talking loudly to her mother who was apparently upset about some comments her daughter had made to her earlier. The woman pleaded into the phone, “Ma, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way! Please don’t get offended. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Ma, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” This went on for about ten minutes while the rest of the passengers watched in sympathy. Finally, the conversation ended, and the woman turned to her friend and said, “She’s crying and getting all emotional. She just misunderstood me!”
You can probably relate, as you think of examples from your life. How often do you find yourself apologizing for a statement or comment that you made? Too often, what we say is not communicated well or heard effectively by the other side. Sometimes, we say things that can’t be taken back, and such negative interactions can overshadow all the positive ones in a relationship. Case in point: The girl on the bus had to apologize profusely for one statement she made that greatly upset her mother.

How many positives do you think it takes to balance one negative in a relationship?

The answer might surprise you.

Research studies actually reveal that in order to maintain a happy marriage, couples need to engage in 5 to 20 positive interactions for every negative one. (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993)

One negative = five to twenty positives.

This magical equation is not just for couples.  It can be applied in our relationships with family members, friends, classmates, colleagues, and others.

Two Needs in a Relationship

In any given relationship, we have two needs: to talk, and to be heard. We expect to be able to freely express how we feel. We also expect that both our positive and negative feelings will be heard and understood.

To maintain these positive interactions, it is important for us to share with others what we like and don’t like.  Generally, we tend to share more of our negative feelings than we do our positive ones since we often focus on the negatives over the positives.  We often tell others what we don’t like about them instead of what we do like.

Express Appreciation

It is not enough to be appreciative; we should express that appreciation.  We all like to know that we’ve made someone else happy. When we‘re praised, it’s more likely that we will do it again. Most of us, however, rarely express to others what we like or appreciate about them. What would happen if we actually shared that with the people around us?

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ advised us to express and show appreciation and gratitude. He ﷺ said “The one who does not give thanks for a small blessing will not give thanks for a great blessing, and the one who does not give thanks to people will not give thanks to Allah.” (Abi ad-Dunya)

Make it part of your daily routine to praise something about your loved one: maybe when he cooks a delicious meal or when she‘s been awake all night caring for the baby. This will only increase the positives in your relationships and make it easier to move beyond the negatives.

Share Concerns

It is also important to share our concerns instead of ignoring them.  Putting aside our disappointment and anger doesn’t make them disappear.  These feelings remain – brewing, festering, and waiting to explode during the next emotional spatter.  We need to be able to share our concerns constructively, and to have the other side hear us without making assumptions about our intentions.

How Do You Communicate?

Take a minute to reflect.

• Think about one thing you appreciate or admire about your mother, father, sibling, spouse, child, friend, colleague, or others.
• Think about one thing you don’t like or is concerning to you.

How would you express it to them?  Verbalize it. Is it easy to communicate?  How might they react?

Formula for Success: The XYZ Statement

Developed by PREP*, the XYZ Statement is a simple formula that will have a powerful effect on your relationships.  It’s a great way to ask for what you want and to encourage others to change because it includes information that can be implemented.

To communicate effectively, just follow this guideline the next time you want to express appreciation or share a concern:

• When you did X,
  • Describe the specific behavior. What was the one thing he/she did?

(This implies change can happen.)

• In situation Y,
  • Describe the specific situation or circumstances.

(It’s not everything that is a problem.)

• I felt Z.
  • Tell how you felt or were affected.

(Own your reaction.)

Good Examples of XYZ Statements

Ÿ  When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z).

Ÿ  When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z).

Ÿ  Thanks for babysitting the kids (XY). I feel so pampered (Z).

Ÿ  I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y).

Ÿ  When you showed up 15 minutes late (X) for our appointment with the imam (Y), I was very embarrassed (Z).

Bad Examples of XYS Statements

ŸWhen you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you are a slob.

Slob is not a feeling; it’s name-calling.  Instead of addressing the behavior that you dislike, you’re basically implying that it is part of their character and that they can’t change.

Alternative: It bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink without washing them.

Ÿ You never listen to me when I talk.  You’re so inconsiderate.

Don’t over generalize and disregard the past.  Using phrases such as “you always” or “you never” implies that the issue is so big that it can never change.

Alternative: When you watch TV while I’m talking, I don’t feel heard or understood.

Ÿ  When we went out to dinner today, I know you didn’t want to go anyways.

Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or intending.  You fuel your own anger when you assume negative motives.

Alternative: When you hesitated, I wasn’t so sure that you wanted to go.

In the bad examples above, the focus is placed on others instead of on ourselves, making it more likely that we will receive an angry and defensive reaction.  Let’s take responsibility and focus on ourselves first.

A Better Way

Remember your earlier statements?  Change them now to XYZ Statements.  Do you see a difference between your XYZ statements and the earlier ones?  Is it easier to communicate?  Will the reactions be different?

XYZ statements are more specific, and result in greater awareness about needs, wants, and desires.  They emphasize our experiences and feelings.  Most of us don’t like hearing something negative about ourselves, but XYZ Statements make it easier to raise concerns in a gentle, respectful, and honest way.  When we know how certain behaviors affect others, we are more motivated to change and more likely to accumulate positives than negatives!  Let’s work on increasing those positives!

This material was adapted from the leading divorce-prevention/marriage enhancement program called PREP© (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), and the corresponding book 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman and Stanley.

Part I | Part II

Communicating effectively is essential for building a happy family.  Effective communication is a skill that should be acquired and practiced regularly because it reduces misconceptions and misunderstandings between family members and helps them avoid conflict.

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu `alayhi wa sallam – peace be upon him) advised us to be gentle, kind, compassionate, and lenient in our dealings with one another.  On the authority of Aisha (radi Allahu `anha – may Allah be pleased with her), the Messenger of Allah (saw) is reported to have said: “Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs.”  (Bukhari)

Successful communication strengthens the family bond and makes it less likely that issues will spill over into physical abuse.  Communicating effectively begins with the couple.  Regular, poorly handled conflict between parents is difficult on children.

Couples often fall into negative communication patterns if they don’t handle conflict well.  Negative communication patterns can tear marriages and families apart, leading to unhappiness and divorce.  Research has shown that negative patterns and behaviors have a much stronger effect on marriages than the positive ones.  It is estimated that in order to maintain a happy marriage, a couple must engage in five to twenty positives for every negative (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993).

The four main negative communication patterns are called the Communication Danger Signs.  Couples should prevent or change these patterns if they want to build and maintain a successful marriage.

Communication Danger Sign #1: Escalation
Definition: responding back and forth negatively so that the conflict increases

We often begin talking about an issue calmly.  Then someone says something to upset the other person, who then responds back negatively.  The calm conversation soon escalates into an angry argument full of hurtful comments, loud voices, and intense emotions.

For example, let’s say Sarah returns from a meeting and finds the kitchen to be a mess.  The following conversation might ensue:

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (getting upset) What do you mean I never clean up after myself?  I make dinner all the time, and the kitchen doesn’t look like this!  All you did was make a little bit of pasta!
Ahmad: (getting upset too, and becoming sarcastic) Of course!  You’re right; all I did was make some pasta.  I didn’t do anything else.
Sarah: (increasing in intensity) That’s right.  You never do anything else.  I have to do everything around here.  I don’t know what I got from marrying you; just more work and more headaches.
Ahmad: (hurt) Ok, then maybe you shouldn’t have married me!

When we allow arguments to escalate, we say horrible things to each other even if we don’t really mean them.  Unfortunately, some things we say can’t be taken back.  What’s dangerous in the scenario above is that Ahmad and Sarah began talking about the dirty kitchen and ended up questioning their decision to marry each other.    Because they were tired and stressed out, they let their conversation get out of control instead of hearing each other out and resolving a simple issue.

Solution: De-Escalate.

To change the negative pattern of escalation, do the opposite: de-escalate!

• Soften your tone. Change the way you’re speaking from harsh to calm and kind.
• Hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes or your husband’s shoes.  Try to understand where they’re coming from.
• Give up the need to win. Winning is not going to bring any benefit.
• Call for a time-out. Agree to talk about it at a later time when everyone is calmer.

So, what could Sarah and Ahmad have done differently?

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (softening her tone) Actually, I do clean up.  But I guess you’re pretty tired after work and dinner.
Ahmad: (calming down and acknowledging Sarah’s point of view) I am tired, but I know you hate a dirty kitchen.  Sorry for the mess.  Can you help me clean up later?
Sarah: Sure.  Thanks for making dinner tonight.

The goal is to stop the negative process before it erupts into a full blown, nasty fight.

Communication Danger Sign #2: Invalidation
Definition: putting down the thoughts, opinions, or character of the other

When we talk with our loved ones, sometimes we subtly or directly put down their thoughts, feelings, or character.  We disrespect them by calling them names, questioning their character, and de-valuing their opinions and feelings.

Invalidation can be subtle or extreme.  Examples of subtle invalidation include: “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” or “Someone’s feeling a little insulted.”  Examples of extreme invalidation include: “You’re such a loser” or “We should have you checked into a mental institution.”

Solution: Be Respectful.

The Quran tells us in Surah Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one’s] faith. And whoever does not repent – then it is those who are the wrongdoers. (49:11)

• Treat each other with respect. Give respect. Expect respect.   Remember the famous hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw): “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [al-Bukhari, Muslim]
• Listen and acknowledge the other person’s words and point of view. Even if you don’t agree with everything your wife or husband says, you must still validate their feelings.
• Do over. When you realize you’ve blown it and said something that hurt the other person, just say: OK, let’s do that over.  Immediately backtrack and talk about it in a different way.

Communication Danger Sign #3: Negative Interpretations
Definition: making negative and unfair assumptions about what the other person was thinking

Too often, we engage in mind-reading by making unfair assumptions about the other person’s intentions.  Instead of looking for the positives, we make negative judgments about the other person’s thoughts and behaviors, believing that they purposely meant to hurt us.  Because of negative interpretations we believe the worst instead of the best in each other.

We can do this in two ways:

1. Verbally: “You did not want my mother to come over, anyway” or “You couldn’t have cared less about what was important to me.”
2. Unexpressed thoughts which fuel our own anger: “She knows how much that bothers me, but she just keeps on doing it.” “He made me wait on purpose because he’s still angry about yesterday.  How immature!”

Sami engaged in negative interpretations when his wife Amena told him that she wasn’t sure they could visit his parents during Eid.  Amena was concerned about not having the financial means to cover the expenses of the trip, but Sami became extremely angry and assumed that Amena hated his parents and was trying to avoid spending time with them.

Interestingly, children learn to do this as well from their parents.  For example, when Omar hit his brother Musa, Musa said, “I know Omar did it on purpose!  It wasn’t an accident.”  Everything is seen as intentional and personal.

Solution: Fight Back (against Negative Interpretations).

The Quran also tells us in Surat Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful. (49:12)

• Assume the best, not the worst.
• Give the other person excuses. Give them the benefit of the doubt.  We all know the following saying: “Try to find up to seventy reasons for your brother/sister, and if you can’t, then say, “Maybe he has an excuse that I am not aware of!”
• Look for evidence to the contrary. Think of all the times the source of unhappiness didn’t happen or wasn’t true.
• Stay positive!

Communication Danger Sign #4: Avoidance and Withdrawal
Definition: unwillingness to engage in or stay with important discussions

Sometimes, we think it’s easier if we ignore the problem or end difficult conversations as soon as possible.  During a discussion, we might withdraw by getting up and leaving the room, becoming quieter and then not talking, or agreeing quickly to some suggestion without any intention of following through.  Sometimes, we might avoid the issue by preventing the conversation from happening in the first place.  We can do that by changing the subject, not being available to talk, or just saying the subject isn’t important to talk about.  Usually, one person pushes the issue while the other tries to avoid it or pull out if it.

There are some gender differences.  Not always, but most commonly, men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue.  Many men will abstain from discussing issues because they don’t want to get into a fight.  They will withdraw and try to get away, while women will “turn up the volume” and try harder to get a response.

For example, Halima walks up to her husband Yusuf and says, “I really want to talk to you about helping around the house.”  Yusuf tries to avoid the discussion and says, “I can’t talk about anything right now.  I have to leave to the masjid.”  Meanwhile, he’s looking for his keys.  His wife becomes annoyed and says, “You never can talk about it,  but I have to have some help.”  Yusuf insists that he can’t talk, so his wife becomes angry and begins to yell.  Yusuf becomes quiet and walks out the door.

Solution: Change the Cycle.

• Start a discussion gently and calmly.
• Don’t push the issue.  If the other person starts to withdraw, then….
• Set aside a new time for the discussion.
• Talk with each other about the fact that avoiding a problem won’t make it go away

In the example above, Halima might have approached her husband during a better time and could have said instead, “We have to talk about this sometime.  If you can’t talk about it now, what time would be better?”  Similarly, Yusuf would have been better off making time to discuss the issue instead of ignoring it, as the problem would most likely never disappear and instead cause resentment in his wife’s heart.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can change our communication patterns.

Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience.  How we choose to handle conflict will impact whether our relationships with our spouses and families are positive or negative.  During any type of conflict, it is helpful to do the following:

1. Recognize the four Communication Danger Signs:

• Escalation
• Invalidation
• Negative Interpretations
• Avoidance and Withdrawal

2. Stop.  Call for a time out.

3. Do something healthy to calm yourself down.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) provided us with the following strategies when feeling angry:

• Seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan.
• Change your position. As recommended in a hadith, if you’re angry while standing, sit down.  If you’re still angry, lay down.
• Perform wudu. As counseled in a hadith, “Anger is from Shaytan, and Shaytan is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water; so if one of you become angry, let him perform wudu.” [Abu Dawood]
• Remain silent.

4. Call for “Time In” to finish the discussion safely.

When we are upset, we often don’t share what we are really thinking and instead say something to win or hurt the other person.  To prevent this during a conversation, let us ask ourselves: “What is it that I want to accomplish?”  If our goal isn’t to resolve the issue, then engaging in the four negative patterns will work well in destroying our relationships.

However, if our goal is to strengthen our relationships and move forward positively, then we need to counteract the four danger signs with effective communication that will allow us to express our concerns to one another in a gentle and respectful manner

May Allah (swt) help us in communicating effectively, and may He strengthen our families

This material was adapted from the leading divorce-prevention/marriage enhancement program called PREP© (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), and the corresponding book 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman and Stanley.