Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Co-ed Love for the Sake of Allah? Part 1 | Part 2

Photo: Pictoscribe

I was standing next to the grave, supplicating quietly to Allah for the man we just buried. He was a family relative, loved by many alhamdulilLah (praise be to God). As I stood there, a few other women came and also started to supplicate. They spoke aloud in a low voice, “We never heard anything but good from you or about you, so we ask Allah to accept all your good deeds and forgive your sins, and accept you into Paradise…” I was touched by something in this moment. I didn’t know them personally, we didn’t exchange words but I was taught by their example. They displayed the most beautiful adab (manners) of brotherhood and sisterhood for their deceased Muslim brother, who was not directly related to them. Subhan’Allah (glory be to God), when the heart is pure, the “rules” emanate naturally without effort. Everything in their manner, speech, and conduct was modest, respectful and filled with noble love.

The code of inter-gender relations comes from this noble kind of love. It is generous in giving, while conscious of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He). It is full of haya.’ Haya’ is sometimes described as ‘shyness’, but misunderstood to mean a desire to hide, to be nervous, overly self-conscious, and unable to communicate. This is not the meaning of haya’ and it’s a real shame that men and women are sometimes taught social anxiety in the name of haya’. Haya’ comes from consciousness of Allah (swt)—that a servant of Allah would feel too “shy” to commit an open and indecent sin in the presence of the Most High, that they feel humbled in the presence of the Creator, so they honor His creation. The believer is not a show-off for any of their blessings. Rather they are grateful, and hope to use their many gifts in the service of their Lord. One of the most graceful ways to serve Allah (swt) is by serving and honoring His creation, in the manner that He approves. This is our code as brothers and sisters.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.” (Qu’ran, 9:71)

The 10 Principles

1. Be sincere in your interactions.

The Prophet ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us, “Truly, actions are according to their intentions.” ((Bukhari)) All interaction with God’s creation is a reflection of our interaction with the Creator. When a person truly relies on God and seeks Him first and foremost, they let go of the need for approval from others and seek it only from Him (swt). As a result, the way they work with others has to do with God’s approval, not that of others. When we deal with the opposite sex, it’s important to make sure we are not *needy for some form of approval from them, and especially the kind that should only be sought from a spouse (ie: sexual attention, seeking their admiration). However, God loves for us to love and respect our brothers and sisters. If we’re seeking God’s approval in our interactions then we open our hearts in a noble way towards one another with the best of manners. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and the general energy brought into interactions should be respectful and professional. One who is sincere in seeking only Allah’s approval and not wanting something from the people will find it very natural to follow the rest of the guidelines.

What this looks like in person: Imagine you’re speaking to a boss, a professor or perhaps an older individual in the mosque. In most situations, even if you were buddies with that person, you’d still have a level of respect in your interactions with them that would be different from your friend at school. Do the same thing when you interact with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you need to be cold. You need not be overtly rude or intimidating. If you are typically a really humorous and laid back person, you don’t need to radically change your personality so that the person/people you’re with don’t laugh. Just be yourself in a professional and courteous way.

What this looks like online/social media: Be mindful of your online conversations and avoid saying what you would feel uncomfortable having your parent or someone you respect overhear. Question your intentions before commenting or messaging. Only you and God know if what you’re doing is for the right reasons. This is one of the most powerful and dynamic limits of Allah (swt) because it actually builds your confidence. The habit of checking and renewing the intention develops a foundation of sincerity between you and Allah, and of good-will between you and His creation.

2. Make your interaction purposeful and professional.

There’s an Islamic legal maxim that states, “The origins of things is permissibility.” In other words, unless there is something that is expressly prohibited when it comes to interactions and worldly issues, it is allowed. However, when it came to the issue of gender relations specifically, some scholars used a different maxim: “The origin of inter-gender interactions is impermissibility, unless expressly permitted.” In other words, inter-gender interaction, unless there was an absolute necessity, major benefit attained, major harm prevented, or something not considered harmful in a particular cultural context, would generally be avoided.

These scholars also cited the principle of sadd al-tharee’ah—that whatever leads to a prohibited act in and of itself becomes prohibited. In this regard, cultural context becomes increasingly important. This is because in some cultures, specific actions may be misunderstood as an invitation to something prohibited, while in others, it is simply a respectful interaction.

As an example, a polite joke about the weather with the cashier at a grocery store is seen as neighborly small talk in the United States but can be understood as flirting in a different cultural context. For this other culture, scholars may consider the polite joke prohibited because it would lead to un-lowered and lustful gazes and conversation that points to something more. But to apply the latter understanding to our context in the west would be a great disservice. Here, the action and words do not imply sexual interest in the least, but rather is received as acceptable, polite conversation. And even in the same context, to overdo it leads to a misapplication of the law and the creation of a sub-culture that is foreign to the spirit of Islam. Shaykh Al-Rasuni mentions that the overextension of the legal principle sadd al-tharee’ah can create extremism and turn perfectly halal situations into haram ones. ((al-Raysuni, Ahmad)) So it should be applied with care, lest we turn Islam into something it is not.

If you look at both approaches—“The origin of interactions is allowed except what is prohibited,” and “the origin of interactions is prohibited except what is allowed”—they both lead to the same conclusion: Interactions should be purposeful, there should be a reason that is not suspect according to a particular culture, there are limits and it is not a complete free-for-all.

What this looks like in person: The on-campus Muslim Students Association (MSA) holds a meeting to discuss an upcoming event. There is purpose in their reason for coming together. They do not have to robotically and mechanically only ask “yes” or “no” questions, sticking to a script to ensure every word has a specific purpose. There can be polite small talk in asking about each other’s schoolwork and checking in on each other’s families. Now again, things go back to intention (point 1). On the outside things can be purposeful, but if on the inside things are not, it leads to Allah’s displeasure. A brother can tutor a study group of brothers and sisters for a class they are taking in college together in a noble way. He can also do so to enjoy the attention and admiration of the sisters and use that space for his own desires. On the outside no one may notice the difference, but on the inside Allah (swt) always does. A blessed interaction is both purposeful on the outside and pure on the inside.

What this looks like online/social media: Keep it purposeful and professional. No need to play online games with someone of the opposite sex. No need to start private conversations or comment in an over-relaxed, joking manner on posts or pictures.From emails, the messaging on social media, SnapChat, etc.—don’t do anything that you would be ashamed to do in front of someone you love and respect, like the Prophet ﷺ. Know that Allah (swt) sees you above all, and wants your honor and integrity to be protected.

3. Cover your ‘awra (nakedness).

In short, the ‘awra of men is from their naval to their knees. However, it is highly encouraged for men to cover beyond this. In other words, it’s not modest to show up without a shirt or a super tight one and skinny jeans, exposing a brother’s form. For women, even in the most lenient opinions, the minimum that should be covered is everything but the face, hands, and feet, in loose, non-form fitting, opaque clothing. Traditionally some scholars allowed kuhl and powder as allowable make-up, and some allowed the plucking of eyebrows in our times. There are opinions that are much more encompassing, but deliberately being shared here is the base minimum for anyone interested in following a valid scholarly opinion within our tradition.

An important point of clarification is needed here. When we think of a woman’s public dress in Islam, the Prophetic understanding was that it was a level more modest than that of men. There is an incident where the Prophet ﷺ gives a companion a thawb (dress) and later sees that companion and asks him why he does not wear it. The companion says he let his wife wear it. To this the Prophet encourages him to tell his wife to wear something under it because he fears that her form would show if she wears it without a layer under it (the way a man would). In other words, the ‘awra of a woman requires an additional standard of looseness. ((Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Fiqh, `awra’))

Now, what does that mean for men and women struggling to maintain these general dress guidelines? Does that mean they should not be permitted into Muslim spaces when the opposite sex will be present, nor organize campus or community events? Absolutely not! All should be welcome; all of us struggle with different aspects of our worship and this is simply one that’s more obvious because it’s outer. Principle number 4 means each of us are responsible for what we see. At the same time, even if one does not normally cover the full ‘awra, when it comes to sacred spaces such as the Masajid as the Houses of Allah, we should make an extra effort to wear our most God-pleasing clothing there, as a way of showing extra deference to our Creator. This is not an act of hypocrisy; it’s an act of respect. This is simply an explanation of guidelines while recognizing each person has their own journey, struggle, and varying abilities to perform. The scholars also differentiated between `awra ghaleetha and `awra khafeefa: that some body parts or more `awra’ than others. A person may try to grow gradually in their dress hoping to ease the path toward following all its guidelines.

A couple of critical points to take into consideration:

A. Hijab for women is not about Men.

When Muslim women are asked why do they wear hijab, the simple answer is, “Because God asked me to” not “Because men asked me to.” Hijab is about Allah (swt) and submitting to His will and trusting His way. It’s an incredibly spiritual act especially today because you must strive to remove the desire for human approval completely in order to practice it well. Allah (swt) says, “that is purer for you.” Hijab is a purification. For some, hijab may help purify the tendency towards vanity. For others, it is simply a constant physical reminder that our goal in life is to please our Creator. The experience of hijab for many is described as “liberating” and “a divine gift” as it encourages us to recognize our own spiritual and intellectual center, and compels us to honor, even celebrate this most sacred part of ourselves as we deal with the world.

B. Hijab is not meant to erase physical beauty, but honor it.

What happens if a woman covers herself appropriately, and people still feel tempted by her or are attracted to her? Beauty is not a woman’s ‘fault’, and she is not asked to hide because others can’t control their feelings. Rather, they must lower their gaze and purify their thoughts.

Ibn Abbas said: “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “And We have already known the preceding [generations] among you, and We have already known the later [ones to come],” (Qu’ran, 15:24). ((This hadith is found in ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged SAHIH by Albani. He includes it as #3472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih))

In this incident, Allah (swt) does not reveal that a barrier be put up to block off the view of the women’s side. He does not ask the woman to not come to the masjid. She is not told to wear niqab. She is not asked to pray in the last lines. Allah is addressing the men and these are verses revealed after the command of hijab was in place. Allah is telling them that He knows what is in their hearts. Hijab is not to remove all beauty from a woman. Rather, it is to let her define her sense of beauty by donning the dress and character that pleases God.

4. Lower your gaze.

God commands the believing men and women to lower from their gazes in the Qur’an. ((Qur’an 24:30-31)) The imperative word here is “from.” Scholars have commented that looking at each other in and of itself is not prohibited, for if it was the word “from” would have been omitted in the command. However, the command indicates there are some gazes that are not allowed, and this based on Prophetic guidance includes the lustful gaze as well as looking at what is considered ‘awra. Yet, it is common practice for men and women in Muslim activist settings to avoid looking at one another directly in the eyes or in the face, and they are dressed modestly. Some scholars have mentioned that this is praiseworthy as a form of respect. However, in the greater western context, not making eye contact is usually considered awkward and can be seen as distrustful and in an instance like this, we can take our general cultural custom to inform the way we interact within the aforementioned Islamic boundaries.

What this looks like in person: Therefore, in general, the best way to fulfill this requirement is to simply avert your gaze specifically if you find yourself attracted to someone, not to check anyone out, and to avoid looking at certain areas of the body you should not be looking at anyway—most especially if they are uncovered. Otherwise, it’s permissible to simply look a person in the eyes politely when having a conversation. This applies both inside of and outside of Muslim spaces.

What this looks like online/social media: When you put up a picture on social media, be cognizant of what other people are seeing. And if you wouldn’t make a crazy duck face or show certain body parts to a person of the opposite sex in person or look at those things in person, do not post that type of picture or send that picture over SnapChat or stare at those pics if they’re sent to you (which, btw, why are they being sent to you?). Do not deliberately spend time staring at a picture of someone of the opposite sex without purpose. When commenting on a picture—even if it’s of the same gender—avoid statements such as, “Hey sexy!” or “Hot!” especially when you know that person has friends of the opposite sex who will also see those pictures and those comments in their newsfeed.

5. Keep it public.

The Prophetﷺ taught us “…Satan is the third person in an isolated area (khalwah) where there is only a man with a (non-mahram) woman…” (Ibn Al-Atheer – Sahih).

This narration indicates that being alone with one person of the opposite gender who is not a direct relative (mahram) is prohibited in Islam. Being alone constitutes any space which is locked and opaque, or open but totally isolated.

What this looks like in person: In person: Meet in public spaces. Whether it’s in the library or an off-campus café, make sure your professional organizing happens in a public space and at an appropriate time. Even in a public space, a suggestion is to bring a respectful third person or a group of people to make sure you and the other person are not the only ones together, as a way of maintaining a professional environment. This also changes a bit as you grow in different life stages.

If you’re in high school and working on a project, you should definitely bring other people along if you meet outside of school in a café or somewhere informal. If you’re in your fifties and you’re meeting to discuss masjid board policy away from the masjid, meeting in a public space should be sufficient without needing “chaperones.” Imams, for example, have office hours at the masjid, and leave the door open or open their blinds so others can see in, if the door is closed to protect confidentiality. For non-Imams and work spaces, if what you need to meet about is private, like needing crucial advice, simply meeting in a public space should be sufficient as long as you’re both aware of being respectful and keeping things professional. If you can bring a third person who can sit somewhere nearby who is not able to hear the conversation, consider this option. This is not to suggest you and the other person meeting together, in a public space, are going automatically to do something lewd if you don’t. It’s simply to protect your hearts, words and yes, long-term actions, from going down the path of regret—and instead allow both persons to engage each other in a way that inspires true respect and noble love for Allah (swt).

What this looks like online/social media: When applicable, have a third person involved. For example, if you are a female organizing an event and you are emailing a male, yet you know that another male or female is also involved in that specific aspect you’re emailing about, then simply include them in the conversation. Some people when they have to work closely with someone of the opposite gender, simply let them know that they have given their email password to their spouse or trusted sibling, in order to allow everyone to feel like the door to the room is open rather than locked. Others choose to make phone calls when they’re around people and the person they are calling is aware of that fact. The point isn’t to constantly have yourself monitored, it’s really to just build a repertoire between one another in your interactions. By not feeling fully alone together, the relationship remains fraternal and professional.

6. Protect your reputation.

At the outset, it must be stated that the concept of a reputation is misused at times. Sometimes, parents do not allow their daughters specifically to do certain things that they consider immodest or immoral within a specific cultural context due to a fear of what others may say about them. This sometimes causes young women to feel angry and frustrated and often blame Islam for being restrictive when in reality, it’s a specific concept their family has about what is and isn’t appropriate. Misusing the concept of protecting one’s honor has negative and unnecessary ramifications. And yes, people should make 70 excuses for what they see or hear about others. However, at the same time, there is a place in Islam for protecting our reputation and not putting ourselves in situations where another believer may feel concerned about us.

What this looks like in person: This is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ did when walking with his wife Safiya radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her). Someone saw them and the Prophet ﷺ said, “This is Safiya!” They were surprised and said, “Prophet of God! We would never think you had a girlfriend or something like that!” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Yes, but Satan travels through people like blood through the body.” ((Bukhari)) The Prophet’s ﷺtechnical circumstances were halal but he wanted to make sure it was clear and not misunderstood.

What this looks like online/social media: The unfortunate reality of a sister or brother having an inappropriate or unnecessary online relationship has repercussions. For example, with an MSA brother, a sister may become a counselor-like friend and sometimes falls for the brother. The brother sometimes though, turns to her not because he wants to marry her, but because he perhaps enjoys that relationship with a female without having to commit to her and at times, may lead her on. On the flip side in another example, a sister may enjoy informal, intimate conversations and a certain brother’s attention; she may not be interested in marrying him, but enjoys the relationship and may sometimes lead him on. In both scenarios, the sister and brother may get a reputation for being easily used, desperate or whipped. Brothers and sisters: this is about respecting yourself enough that you do not allow yourself to be put in suspect situations that can harm your well-being and reputation in your specific context.

7. No touching.

The Messenger ﷺ stated, “It is better for an iron rod to be driven into the head of a man, than for him to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (Mu’jam al Kabir) Though the word ‘touch’ here is understood by some scholars to be a euphemism for fornication, generally the principle is applied for all unnecessary (non-medical, etc.) touching, as derived from the Prophetic biography.

God tells us, “And do not come near unlawful sexual intercourse.” Not touching is a preventative measure as to what can come that’s greater. The Prophet ﷺnever shook hands when he took the Pledge of Aqaba from the female companions, though he did with the men. This shows at the very least that touching, even by shaking hands with the opposite gender, is not generally encouraged. There should be no casual high fives, no hugs, no physical interaction between sexes who are not closely blood related or married. Not even if you’re “promised” to one another and going to be married soon. Unless you have your written marriage contract (known as the “katb al-kitab” or “`aqd” or “nikah” in different cultures and sometimes considered an engagement after the contract is signed), no physical touching should happen.

But what about shaking hands in our specific context,, as a known form of greeting and professionalism?

Consider Shaykh Yusuf Qaradwi‘s and Shaykh Abdullah bin Bayyah‘s discussions on the issue. His allowance, with caveats, must be read and understood, as it provides an alternative to the typical discussion on prohibition. If you choose not to shake hands, make sure you politely decline with class and creativity. Ensure it’s done in ways that would help hearts feel closer to you rather than turn away in aversion.

8. Be respectful of people’s personal space and levels of comfort.

We deal with different Muslims from different backgrounds. We do not want to impose our gender interaction cultural norms on them. We should try to engage them with what is comfortable for them, without giving up our own rights. This is just basic consideration for how others feel, male and female. Once the Prophet ﷺ even changed the way he was sitting out of his consideration for the modesty of Uthman (ra):

Aisha reports: The Prophet ﷺwas lying down in his house with his thighs or his calves exposed. Abu Bakr asked permission to enter and was permitted while the Prophet ﷺ was in that position and he came in and spoke with him ﷺ. Then, Umar asked permission to enter. He was granted permission and came in and spoke with him ﷺ while in that position. Then, Uthman asked permission and the Prophet ﷺ sat up and straightened his clothing. He was then permitted and came in and spoke with the Prophet ﷺ. After he had gone, Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not get up for him or worry about him and Umar came in and you did not get up for him nor worry about him but when Uthman came in, you straightened out your clothing! The Prophet ﷺ said: “Should I not be shy of a man around whom the angels are shy?” (Muslim)

This is a true act of love for Allah (swt), and such consideration for the comfort levels of the other should be practiced across genders as well.

What this looks like in person: Some people from other countries or ways of thinking do not talk to unrelated members of the opposite sex for any reason (unless an absolute emergency) and are even uncomfortable giving salam (greetings of peace). In our western context, scholars have encouraged men and women to spread the salam to build a sense of support and community especially as a religious minority. Generally speaking, it is praiseworthy to initiate the salam and an obligation to respond to it, ((Qur’an 4:86)) regardless of gender, unless you have good reason to believe it would be understood as flirtatious to do so. If you know someone is uncomfortable, do not put them in an awkward situation—even with something as simple as the salam. At the same time, a man from such an environment may feel uncomfortable with women in the same prayer space and want them to leave. For this, women should ***not*** be expected to leave because of someone else’s discomfort; women should take their Islamic right to worship in the House of God. In this example, it is the other person who needs to practice consideration of her rights.

Another example is to not stand too close to each other when you are talking. If you can smell their breath, shampoo, or deodorant then you are standing too close. If someone takes a step back everytime you take a step forward, then realize they prefer a bigger gap between themselves and you and stop inching forward.

What this looks likes online/social media: If you friend request someone of the opposite gender on Facebook and they don’t confirm, respect their privacy. If someone always CCs a third party when they email you, try to reply all and respect that. When we treat each other with nobility, it fosters trust.

9. Speak in a decent manner.

Perhaps there is no single behavior that more clearly defines our manners than speech. Allah (swt) has many commands about speech in the Qur’an. Its content should be good and decent (2:235). Its tone should be straight-forward (33:70). It should not be made soft on purpose (33:32). It should not be loud and arrogant (31:19). There should be no vain or excessive speech (23:3).

This is interesting as 90% of communication is non-verbal, and most perception comes from our tone of voice. And nothing affects tone of voice like intention. When the intention is good, speech is naturally unaffected and straight-forward, good in both content and delivery. The best way to examine our own hearts sometimes is to use our speech as a window to ourselves so we can ask, “What is going on inside?”

What this look likes in person: Speech is normal. This may appear humorous but as a dear sister once asked, “Why didn’t anyone just tell us to be normal?” In her situation, she was working and wanted to make da`wah (call to Islam) to her co-workers by showing how friendly and extra helpful a Muslim can be. Slightly sheltered in her upbringing, she went out of her way just to be very excited and supportive all the time and it was unfortunately understood as something else. Her version of ‘nice’ was over the top. She realized later that co-workers of the opposite gender, according to the advice of the Human Resources department, simply were to engage each other in a straight-forward, ‘normal’ way which is what Islam encourages anyway. Her speech was simply a mistake; but others actually make the mistake in their intention too. Don’t deliberately try to use an attractive sounding voice, don’t deliberately laugh and giggle for the purpose of drawing flirtatious attention, don’t extend conversations endlessly just to stay in the presence of another person. In other words, just be normal!

What this looks like online/social media: Don’t flirt, don’t be excessive in praise, or dismissive and disrespectful in joking. Use language that you wouldn’t feel shy of the Prophet ﷺ witnessing, knowing Allah (swt) always does.

10. Ensure your circumstances are safe.

One of the conditions for allowing women’s travel alone is safety and ensuring the place of stay. In general, for both men and women, Personal Safety (life, health) in itself is considered one of the greater objectives of Islamic Law. Keep in mind, two people don’t need to be in complete isolation for it to be unsafe.

What this look likes in person: If you’re a sister, going to a brother’s apartment, or a brother going to a sister’s apartment to study for example, even if it is shared with others—that is unsafe. Going into a public parking lot that is empty to get class notes at an odd hour of the night is unsafe. The point is, whether man or woman, be smart about where you meet, choose an appropriate time, and ensure it’s in a safe space.

What this looks like online/social media: Do not put personal information like where you live on your Facebook or other online site. If you’re “checking in” somewhere online, let it be somewhere public and attended by people. For example, if you are at the beach when it’s deserted at night, do not “check in” live on sites or social media where your location can be tracked by strangers, or even people you don’t know well.

________________________

Finally, the pursuit of marriage is the reason many young people get involved in relationships or put themselves in situations they later regret. Marriage is a noble intention, and should be pursued nobly. A guiding principle is the ends don’t justify the means in Islam. The space of Islamic work may be a place where people meet potential spouses, but the work should not be used as an excuse to get attention under the guise of being interested in marriage. Once a person realizes their interest in marriage towards someone is a sustained interest, they should take a respectful and responsible approach. That means, be like Musa, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and talk to her family. Or be like Khadijah (ra), and talk to a reputable friend, preferably married, who can find a tactful way to recommend you. It is permissible to approach the person you’re interested in directly, specifically if you know that’s their personal preference as well since not everyone has a supportive or present family. However, make sure it’s done with respect. When you’re respectful in both means and method, you can pursue your intention for marriage through its blessed path, and continue your Islamic work/volunteering on its own blessed path.

Inter-gender relations can be tricky, but remember: Just be normal! With the right intention, with purpose, and with efforts to try our best with the general guidelines God has revealed for our work together, we can focus on ensuring that our relationships lead to benefiting ourselves, our families, our societies and the world at large, with God’s will.

It is hoped that this inter-gender relations summary be of service to brothers and sisters everywhere. May Allah (swt) ennoble our character, manners, and disposition with what pleases Him most. May He allow us to practice both the spirit and letter of His guidance for us. May He forgive our many shortcomings and mistakes. May Allah increase us in His remembrance, gratitude, guidance, and beautify our worship. May He accept from us all. Ameen.

An Exposé on One of the Greatest Destroyers of Modern Day Discourse

“We have been forbidden to search for faults, we can take note only of that which is overt.” (Ibn Mas’ood)

Perhaps one of the greatest trials for those who discuss issues of contention today is context. Understanding the context of a person’s speech can set a person totally against another, or totally in agreement with him. It can cull hate in our hearts, or love. If I tell you, “The solution to our problems is to love Allah.”—the context in which one receives that statement will determine whether I am perceived as a passive, do-nothing, extreme sufi who believes that no organized hard work is required to solve problems….or as one who believes in sincere, dedicated work to help society, but remembers that nearness to Allah (swt) is the end goal of all work and of our existence. The assumption that I am a simpleton who has no further thought than that statement, or that I may have more thoughts going on behind the scenes but that this is a conclusion that I have come to is in the ear and eye of the beholder.

The assumption of man—the faulty assumption—tends to fall on the side of conflict. When we hear a statement, we tend to suspect immediately that the person who is speaking is less knowledgeable than ourselves, perhaps less aware of the issue, and so we jump on his/her statement to break the argument into oblivion.

Suppose a person were to say to you: “Every Muslim in the West should read the newspaper every morning.” One man’s assumption may think – this brother is a political nut-case who thinks the solution lies in being aware of politics and current events, why isn’t he doing dhikr (remembrance) in the morning!?” However, another person may think: “It is good that he is encouraging us to read the newspaper. After my dhikr every morning, I think I will do that so I am aware of what is going on in the world.”

You see? Many of us have the tendency to imbalance the statements of other people, and put words into their mouths, because we feel more comfortable when we are able to observe one or two characteristics of a man and then throw the entire personality of another human being into a pre-labelled box—it spares us the agony of deep thought, reflection, and contemplation. We deal better with boxes and categories than we do with people, and in doing this, we end up committing an injustice.

For example:

• If a person speaks about `aqeedah (core beliefs) – he must be a Salafi.
• If a person mentions Imam Ghazali or mentions the word muraaqbah, he must be a sufi with no activism or concern for the people.
• If a person calls us to study politics and history, he must be an activist lacking in his spirituality.
• If a person calls us to seeking `ilm and education over seeking an overly emotional islam, he must be a man removed from the awliya’  who thinks education is the question and answer to everything.
• If a person calls to an increase in the secular knowledge of Muslims, he must feel that the scholars of the Ummah are idiots and he must be saying that all traditionalism is wrong!

“Man has been created from haste…” (21:37) [Man is a creature ever hasty and impatient as part of his nature]

When we do this, it destroys any chance of an honest discourse. We become caught up in defining and redefining our positions and terminologies and spend long essays or words on attacking/defending positions that do not need attacking/defending. And at the end, we have gone nowhere, convinced no one, preached to our own choirs, and made a host of enemies.

From the Book of Adab of Imam Bukhari, Volume 8, Book 73, Number 90, narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others’ faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah’s worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you)!”

So let us be a little less assuming when we speak with our brothers and sisters and let the arrogance die in our hearts. inshAllah we will find our conversations full of productivity, remembrance, and blessing, and we may be of those whose sins Allah forgives for remembering Him.

-Abdul Sattar

Check out his amazing blog here.

Originally published December 2007.

Reconstructing Beauty Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Part 1 | Part 2

Preface

At the outset I must say that it’s very hard to write just a single article on a topic that requires a lot of nuance. This is because anytime we deal with human interactions (mu’amalaat), context is essential to having a balanced understanding. Major values are universally applicable but the specifics of how they are expressed can be vastly different, taking into account different times, places, and circumstances. When it comes to living a balanced approach to gender relations as a Muslim, this is especially the case. This article is in two parts, and both are required in order to have a balanced understanding of this important subject.

Introduction

Often times within our community, we become so focused on avoiding evils and harm that we forget to strive for the ideal, the enjoining of something beautiful and valuable in our society. At the same time, the ideal can only be achieved when it accompanies a genuine consciousness and understanding of what boundaries we seek to respect. Such is the case with beautifying gender relations within our community.

The Ideal

The ideal spirit which we aspire to within our communities is one of mutual love and respect for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). Allah (swt) describes this relationship:

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah [charity] and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those—Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Qur’an 9:71)

The word that is used is awliyaa’, which is also translated as helpers, supporters, friends, and protectors. This is how Allah (swt) Himself describes how the believing men and women should regard one another. It is the spirit of who we seek to be towards the other gender. Yet, this spirit does not mean interaction between genders is a complete free for all, as the word ‘friend’ tends to imply especially in a western context. Rather, this spirit of love for the sake of Allah (swt) is *only* achieved when it is governed by the letter of the law. The basic guidelines for this interaction include:

1. Your intention of dealing with the other gender is sincere.
2. Your interaction is purposeful.
3. Your ‘awra (nakedness) is covered.
4. You lower your gaze at the appropriate times.
5. You are not totally secluded with someone of the opposite gender.
6. Your reputation is protected.
7. You do not physically touch one another.
8. You respect each-other’s personal space and comfort levels.
9. You speak in a decent manner.
10. Your circumstances are safe.

If the first guideline is truly achieved, the following nine become natural and easy to achieve.  Each of these ten guidelines is based on Islamic texts and will be discussed in the next part in more detail insha’Allah (God willing). For now, I want us to go back to the verse. The relationship of awliyaa’ to one another is described in this context: “They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger.” You love and respect in one another those qualities which Allah (swt) loves. When people are united in a mission and struggle together for it, they can’t help but respect and honor the struggle of those who strive with them towards the common goal which unites them all. If the goal is the pleasure of Allah (swt), then the one who loves pleasing Allah (swt) will love the ones who please Him. It’s why we love the male and female companions so much, why we love different male and female figures in Islamic History. This love is pure and has nothing to do with the infatuation, desire or the physical attraction that might lead people to zina (unlawful physical intimacy). This love is ukhuwwah (brotherhood and sisterhood) for the sake of Allah (swt).

Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazzali discusses the different levels of ukhuwwah as the following:

1. The lowest level: Giving the other only when you have surplus
2. The second level: Sharing what you have equally with the other
3. The highest level: Preferring the other over yourself while you are in want/need of what you give. ((The Duties of Brotherhood in Islam, Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazzali p.22 http://www.scribd.com/doc/62967268/The-Duties-of-Brotherhood-in-Islam-by-Imam-Al-Ghazali))

The highest level of ukhuwwah is ‘Ithaar, preferring others to oneself. Allah (swt) describes this beautiful quality in the Qur’an in reference to the generosity which the Ansar (Helpers) of Madinah showed to the Muhajireen (immigrants) from Mecca:

“And [also for] those who were settled in al-Madinah and [adopted] the faith before them. They love those who emigrated to them and find not any want in their breasts of what the emigrants were given but give [them] preference over themselves, even though they are in privation. And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul—it is those who will be the successful.” (Qur’an 59:9)

One of the most touching cases of ‘ithaar between an unrelated believing man and woman, struck me when I had the opportunity to make ‘umrah. I approached the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) grave and as I was sending my salaam (greeting of peace) to him ﷺ and Abu Bakr radi Allahu ‘anhu (may Allah be pleased with him), I realized that where Aisha (ra) would have been, Umar (ra) lay in her stead, receiving the salaam from not only me, but everyone who visited the Prophet’s ﷺ grave for over 1400 years. This place had been reserved for Aisha (ra) but as the narration in Bukhari states, when Umar (ra) died, she gave to him her burial place next to her husband, who was the greatest man to walk on this earth, the final Messenger of Allah ﷺ, and her father, who was his greatest companion, someone whom the Prophet ﷺ had once described as having greater iman (faith) than that of all of his ummah (community) combined! Can you imagine it? Can you imagine doing what she did if you were in her shoes?

Narrated ‘Amr bin Maimun Al-Audi: I saw ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab (when he was stabbed) saying, “O ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar! Go to the mother of the believers Aisha and say, ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab sends his greetings to you,’ and request her to allow me to be buried with my companions.” (So, Ibn ‘Umar conveyed the message to ‘Aisha.) She said, “I wanted this place for myself but today I prefer him (‘Umar) to myself (and allow him to be buried there).” When ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar returned, ‘Umar asked him, “What (news) do you have?” He replied, “O chief of the believers! She has allowed you (to be buried there).” On that ‘Umar said, “Nothing was more important to me than to be buried in that (sacred) place. So, when I expire, carry me there and pay my greetings to her (‘Aisha ) and say, ‘Umar bin Al-Khattab asks permission; and if she gives permission, then bury me (there) and if she does not, then take me to the grave-yard of the Muslims.”

What is also beautiful in this account is how Umar (ra) was careful to make sure that Aisha (ra) was doing this great favor to him out of her own choice and will, and not because she assumed it was a command from the Khalifah (Caliph) that she had to obey. This is why Umar (ra) ordered his son to ask Aisha again, after he was dead to ensure that her permission was given voluntarily.

When different Mothers of the Believers passed away, there are accounts of male companions rushing to the masjid, crying in sujud (prostration)! ((“Mothers of the Believers” CD series, Imam Suhaib Webb)) There are other amazing examples of ukhuwwah between genders that were not from the Mothers of the Believers as well.  Asmaa bint Abi Bakr was called Dhat al-Nitaqayn (the one with the two waistbands) because she used two waistbands to hide and carry food to the Prophet ﷺ and Abu Bakr (ra) when they were hiding in the cave of Thawr during the Hijrah. ((“The Sealed Nectar” by Saifur Rahman al-Mubarakpuri p.105)) The nick-name she was given had to do with her service to Islam, revealing a ‘team spirit’ in the early generation of Muslims.

Another heroic female companion, Nusayba bint Ka’b, called Um Umara was someone who defended the Prophet ﷺ on the battlefield with her son. She and her son truly fit the description of being ‘awliyaa’ to the Muslims. In the heat of the Battle of Uhud, the Prophet ﷺ saw that her shoulder was bleeding and he asked her son to bandage her wound. He then prayed that Allah (swt) would bless them, and that they would be his friends in Paradise as well. Later, the Prophet ﷺ witnessed Um Umara tending to her son’s wound and encouraging him to keep fighting. The Prophet ﷺ in his beautiful manners and character smiled when he saw the courage of both mother and son, and told her, “From where can anyone get courage like you, O Umm ‘Umarah?” ((“Great Women of Islam” by Mahmood A. Ghadanfar p.210-211)) What emotion do you think the Noble Prophet ﷺ was feeling for her in this moment?

There are countless stories, especially in the seerah (biography of the Prophet ﷺ) and in the early generations of Islam, in which we find a spirit of mutual respect and love for the sake of Allah (swt). ((See Tahrir al-Mar’ah fi Asr al-Risalah by Abu Shuqqah, Vol. 2)) The following tradition is sufficient as an example of how people were able to interact in the masjid of the Prophet ﷺ as brothers and sisters:

عن أسماء بنت أبي بكر رضي الله عنهما تقول قام رسول الله صلى الله عليه
وسلم خطيبا فذكر فتنة القبر التي يفتتن فيها المرء فلما ذكر ذلك ضج
المسلمون ضجة . رواه البخاري هكذا وزاد النسائي: حالت بيني وبين أن أفهم
كلام رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ، فلما سكنت ضجتهم قلت لرجل قريب مني:
أي بارك الله فيك ماذا قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم في آخر قوله ؟
قال: “” قد أوحي إلي أنكم تفتنون في القبور قريبا من فتنة الدجال “”

Amaa’ bint Abi Bakr (may Allah be pleased with them both) said that the Prophet ﷺ stood in an address (to the Muslims) and mentioned the trial of the grave with which a person would be tested. When he mentioned it, there was an outcry among the Muslims. (Bukhari) Imam al-Nasa’i’s version of this narration adds that Asmaa’ said: “I was unable to understand the words of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ so when they quieted down, I said to a man near me, ‘Ay, May Allah bless you, what did the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say at the end?’ He said, (the Prophet’s last words were),’ It has been revealed to me that you will be tested in your graves close to the trial of al-Dajjaal.’” ((Ibid.))

Amaa’ bint Abi Bakr is able to depend on her Muslim brother, whose name she doesn’t know, to ask for clarification of the Prophet’s ﷺ words in his ﷺ masjid. The way she addresses him is with prayers for him, with a spirit of good will. Many more narrations from the time of the Prophet ﷺ will come up when the ten guidelines are discussed in more detail insha’Allah.

Throughout Islamic History, especially in the Tabaqaat literature (Islamic Biographical Dictionaries), in various contexts there are inspiring accounts of respectful ukhuwwah between genders. Here is one such touching account:

حدثنا سليمان بن أحمد ثنا محمد بن أبي رزيق بن جامع المصري ح وحدثنا
إسحاق بن أحمد بن علي ثنا إبراهيم بن يوسف ثنا أحمد بن أبي الحواري قالا
ثنا عبدالله بن سليمان أبو محمد الثبدي ثنا محمد بن يوسف الفريابي عن
سفيان الثوري قال دخلت على بنت أم حسان الأسدية وفي جبهتها مثل ركبة
العنز أثر السجود وليس به خفاء فقلت لها يا بنت أم حسان لا تأتين عبدالله
بن شهاب بن عبدالله فرفعت اليه رقعة لعله أن يعطيك من زكاة ماله ما
تغيرين به بعض الحالة التي أراها بك فدعت بمعجر لها فاعتجرت به فقالت يا
سفيان لقد كان لك في قلبي رجحان كثير أو كبير فقد ذهب الله برجحانك من
قلبي يا سفيان تأمرني أن أسأل الدنيا من لا يملكها وعزته وجلاله إني
أستحي أن أسأله الدنيا وهو يملكها قال سفيان وكان إذا جن عليها الليل
دخلت محرابا لها وأغلقت عليها ثم نادت إلهي خلا كل حبيب بحبيبه وأنا
خالية بك يا محبوب فما كان من سجن تسجن به من عصاك إلا جهنم ولا عذاب إلا
النار قال سفيان فدخلت عليها بعد ثلاث فاذا الجوع قد أثر في وجهها فقلت
لها يا بنت أم حسان إنك لن تؤتى أكثر مما أوتي موسى والخضر عليهما السلام
إذ أتيا أهل القرية استطعما أهلها فقالت يا سفيان قل الحمد لله فقلت
الحمد لله فقالت اعترفت له بالشكر قلت نعم قالت وجب عليك من معرفة الشكر
شكر وبمعرفة الشكرين شكر لا ينقضي أبدا قال سفيان فقصر والله علمي وفسد
لساني وما أقوم بشكر كلما اعترفت له بنعمة وجب علي بمعرفة النعمة شكر
وبمعرفة الشكرين شكر فوليت وأنا أريد الخروج فقالت يا سفيان كفى بالمرء
جهلا أن يعجب بعمله وكفى بالمرء علما أن يخشى الله اعلم أنه لن تنقى
القلوب من الردى حتى تكون الهموم كلها في الله هما واحدا قال سفيان فقصرت
والله إلى نفسي

Sufyan ath-Thawri (97-161/715-778)– a renowned traditionist and legal scholar relates that he once went to see the daughter of Umm Hassaan al-Asadiyya of Basra. She had a mark on her forehead like a goat’s knee, from so much prostration in prayer. He suggested that he would write to a certain man of means who might give her charity to improve her living conditions. “O Sufyan,” she replied, “Your excellence filled my heart but Allah has removed it. O Sufyan, would you bid me request worldly things from one who does not own them?” At night she went to her prayer area, closed herself in, and cried out, “O God, every person has secluded himself with his beloved, and I am alone with You. O Beloved, there is no warmth but the heat of the Hell for He who defies you, and no punishment but the Fire.” He visited her again three days later, and hunger had left its mark on her face, so he said to her, “O Daughter of Umm Hassaan, you will not be granted more than was given to Musa and Khidr, peace be upon them, when they asked the people of the village for food.” She said, “O Sufyan, say “Thank Allah.” He said, “Alhamdulilah.” Then she said, “Have you not acknowledged Him with your gratitude?” He said, “Yes.” She said, “You must be grateful for recognizing gratitude, and if you experience this double gratitude, His blessing will never cease.” Sufyan felt that his knowledge had failed him, his tongue became tied, and he turned to leave. Then she said, “O Sufyan, if a person boasts of his knowledge, this suffices to prove his ignorance. If a person fears Allah, this is enough to prove his knowledge. Know that the hearts will never be cleansed of evil until all intentions are united in one concern for Allah.” “I despaired,” Sufyan concludes, “thinking of myself.” ((Hilyat al-Awliyaa’ by Ibn Nu’aymas well as Sifat al-Safwa by ibn Al-Jawzi; Translation from Ruth Rhoded’s “Women in Islamic Biographical Collections.” p.91))

This is an example of a beneficial conversation between a believing man and woman who are not mahram (related) to one another, and their total isolation is not assumed from the account. Sufyan al-Thawri is seeking to give charity to her, and the meaningful dialogue transpires which has a humbling effect on him.

As mentioned before, ukhuwwah is the ideal, but this ideal only exists when the guidelines are practiced. If people’s minds are in the gutter, if their interactions are not sincere and they are seeking sexual attention and approval from the opposite gender, naturally this makes respectful ukhuwwah difficult if not impossible. In an over-sexualized society, the message that is constantly suggested to men and women is to objectify one another’s presence and existence. This is an unhealthy way to live, and rather than purity of heart and purpose being pervasive between genders, excessive caution bordering on paranoia becomes the lived experience. The more stories people hear of harassment and lewd behavior within the community, the harder it is to speak or even hope of practicing an ideal. Yet, the ideal is possible and those who have witnessed this blessing understand it through experience. (( A personal account of experiencing respectful ukhuwwah http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2783109558017768305)) For those who have watched the Kung Fu Panda 2, it feels a lot like this:

We each have a role to play in developing the culture of our communities and providing a comfortable space for one another to experience the blessing of respectful love for the sake of Allah (swt).  Especially in the western context, brothers and sisters work together for Islam in the MSA, in masajid (mosques), in large Muslim organizations, and in the greater society. When our hearts and minds are focused on greater causes, higher goals, and sincerity, our interactions will reflect the balanced approach of both the spirit and letter of what Allah (swt) asks of us. Let us beautify the gender relations within our community, and beautify our hearts with loving one another for His sake, in the manner which He is pleased with, and has designed for us. Part 2 will explore this manner in more detail insha’Allah.

There are a great many sisters and brothers whom I have had the privilege and honor of working with and learning from over the years. I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you, I love you all for the sake of Allah (swt).

It is narrated by ‘Umar bin al-Khattāb that the Prophet ﷺ said:

“Among Allāh’s servants there are some who are neither prophets nor martyrs but on the Day of Judgement the prophets and the martyrs will envy their grades. The Companions asked: ‘O Messenger of Allāh, tell us, who are those people?’ He replied: ‘Those are the people who love one another on Allāh’s count. They are neither related to one another nor do they have any property to exchange. I swear on Allāh that they will have faces of light, they will be on pulpits of light. They will not have any fear when others will be afraid, they will not have any grief when others will be aggrieved.’ Then he recited the verse: Beware! No doubt, there is no fear for the friends of Allāh nor shall they be sad and sorrowful.” [Qur’ān 10:62] ((Abū Dāwūd, Sunan, b. of ijārah (wages) 3:288 (#3527); Bayhaqī, Shu‘ab-ul-īmān, (6:486#8998,8999); Khatīb Tabrīzī, Mishkāt-ul-masābīh, b. of adab (good manners) ch.16 (3:75-6#5012).  [src: Ch3 of Beseeching for Help, Tahir-ul-Qadri]))

May Allah (swt) make us of His awliyaa’ just as we seek to be the awliyaa’ of one another. Ameen.

Our lives are spent in various boxes. We live in boxes that are insulated from the outside; we feel neither the heat of the blazing sun till it penetrates our being nor do we experience the cold blasts of winter till our bones shiver. We venture out from these boxes in other boxes that simulate the conditions of our homes. If the day is pleasant, we take a whiff of the outside breeze, maybe spend a few hours in the open, and then return, relieved, to our air-conditioned habitats.

There are also some intangible boxes that we live in. Our memories surround us at all times. They are the silent conversations that constantly play in our minds. We recall moments of joy or are afflicted with debilitating grief. Since every moment lived eventually slips into memory, the writing on the glass walls of this box are constantly changing. In the middle of the mundane routines of this life, one might recall a moment of joy from years ago–maybe the company of a dear friend, a joke, a day on the beach, and our little glass box will fill with light and everything viewed from it will glow. Or maybe the memory of some grudge, some old or recent fight, will intrude upon your thoughts, and the walls of memories will become clouded with grief. The ugly words spoken years ago will bring a frown to your face and the whole world will seem dark.

There is an elite group of people you permit into your invisible box. They are the ones whom you trust. They are so close to you that they write their memories on the glass walls next to your own, and it is as if you have vicariously lived through their experiences. Through deep conversations and years of companionship, they have shaped your opinions and your world view just as you have shaped theirs. The hearts of such friends beat in sync with each other’s thoughts.  This is especially true of friends that are united in faith. The Prophet ﷺ describing them said: “The Believer is a mirror to a Believer. The Believer is a brother to a Believer. Guarding him against loss and protecting him in his absence.”  (Related by Abû Dâwûd (no.4918) and al-Bukhârî in al-Adadul-Mufrad (no.239), from Abû Hurayrah )

That is until someone comes and writes ugly graffiti about your friend on your wall of memories.

It could be a wayward thought whispered by Shaytan, it could be a genuine grievance left unattended in the heart, but someone has sprayed ugly graffiti about your friend on the wall. You are not sure where it came from. You are not even sure who wrote it. Did you write it in a fit of rage or did a stranger come with some piece of spiteful, juicy gossip and you listened? Did you allow an outsider into your closed thoughts, or was it someone who already had access to your memories? Rumors and suspicions consume your thoughts as you try to recall the good memories, but the one vicious scribble seems to grow with time and casts its ugly shadow on all other memories.

Now when your friend approaches, she is not permitted into your box of memories. At first, she is unaware that she has been excluded, that when you look at her through the glass, you see only the words of suspicion, of blame, of grievances scrawled across her face.   Her words, no matter how sincere, do not get across. They are muffled by your own emotions of anger and regret. “How could she?” you wonder. As the relationship deteriorates, your friend pleads with you to let her back into your life, but now the ugly, piece of suspicious gossip has become implanted into your brain and nothing, it seems, can remove it. Your friend either gets agitated and loud in her protests, or gives up and falls silent, and then only do you turn towards her and what you see displeases you. Allah (swt) warns us against this in Surat Al-Hujurat:

“O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” (Qur’an, 49:12)

But of course, would people whose hearts beat with the love of Allah (swt) and His Messenger ﷺ treat each other in this despicable manner? Rather, they would turn to the Qur’an and the Sunnah and resolve their differences in an amicable fashion. We forget that this world is a test and this lapse of memory makes the previous scenario even more difficult for us to fathom. How, we wonder, could this be happening? The reality is that differences are a part of our lives.

A few years after Allah (swt) commanded Hazrat Adam (as) and his wife to leave Jannah (paradise), the arguments and suspicions between his sons had already begun.

“And recite to them the story of Adam’s two sons, in truth, when they both offered a sacrifice [to Allah], and it was accepted from one of them but was not accepted from the other. Said [the latter], “I will surely kill you.” Said [the former], “Indeed, Allah only accepts from the righteous [who fear Him].” (Qur’an, 5:27)

And the differences will continue to afflict us to the Day of Judgement and beyond; almost to the gates of Paradise. Insha’Allah (if Allah wills) we will make it that far.

“The believers will be saved from the Fire then they will be kept on a bridge between Paradise and Hell. They will settle their accounts with one another for any wrongs that existed between them in this world, until they are purified and cleansed, and will be permitted to enter Paradise. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, each of them will know his dwelling in Paradise better than he knew his dwelling in this world”. (Sahih al-Bukhaari, Kitaab ar-Riqaaq, Baab al-Qisas Yawm al-Qiyamah, Fath al-Baari, 11/395)

The Prophet ﷺ said: “I asked my Lord for three things, but He gave me two of them, and prevented me from one. I asked my Lord that my nation not be destroyed by a drought, so He gave it to me. And I asked Him that my nation not perish by drowning, so he gave it to me. And I asked Him that fighting not occur between them, but He did not give it to me.”  (Reported by Muslim #2890 and others)

The disagreements will not disappear, but all is not lost.  As in all other tests of this world, sometimes we pass and sometimes we fail, but as believers we never give up. The vicious words that pollute our memories are not written in indelible ink. They can be wiped off, and the moral strength required to do so can be attained by the continuous recitation of the Qur’an. The grudges and grief must be replaced by the words “pardon and overlook”. Allah (swt) commands the believers to turn the page and not hold grudges when harsh words interfere in our relationships, whether with those in our families or those of other faiths.

Every dispute might not necessarily be resolved, but we should continuously work to remove the suspicions from our hearts so that peace returns to our invisible box of memories and we can return to worshiping Allah (swt) with a clean heart.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Qur’an, 9:71)