By Karim Serageldin

In the relationship work I do, I make sure we practice skills in session because I know change occurs through time and repetition. When couples go home with some new skills to practice, sometimes they come back to my office complaining that the growth did not take place. Sometimes they give up because it seems “too hard” or “forced.” I often ask myself, “Why is it so hard for people to change when they have the tools and just need to practice?” What is stopping us from being consistent? Over the years I have come to realize that there are mental blocks and natural fallbacks on the path to growth that we must be aware of in order to be empowered along the way. Here is my list to help guide us through the pulse of human growth!

1) Know the Keys to Growth.

Time + Repetition = Change

Time + Changes = Transformation

Time + Transformations = Mastery

Whether you want to learn how to play guitar, memorize Qur’an or instill a new relationship pattern, these keys will get you there. Know the keys and remember them often. Recall them when things get tough and you feel like giving up. Remember that nothing happens over night and every master was once a novice in their craft!

2) Know no one is perfect.

I often hear the following from couples that play the blame game, feel put down and give up easily.

“My husband tells me I am the problem and I need the counseling—not him.”

“She doesn’t want to do anything different, she thinks I can’t change.”

“He/she will never change, there is no point to this!”

Firstly, any human being that does not recognize that they can always learn and evolve as a person is ignorant and in even more need of growth! Both of you need to accept that each of you have potential for growth and sincere dedication is required to achieve anything. No one has the right to say, “I am fine and in no need to change,” or “I do not need new skills.”

This is a deadly delusion and will likely lead to many other failures in life.

3) Get comfortable with discomfort: The Pain Value System

Sometimes we know what we want but don’t know how to get it. I know I need to lose weight or improve my marriage but “I just can’t take that first step.” This lack of motivation is killed by the fear and anxiety of the discomfort of change. We like staying the same because it does not require any exertion. This is why we get stuck and before you know it, years go by and then you tell yourself, “It’s too late.”

We need to psychologically assess and accept the reality of discomfort with any change and get ready for it. Pain and hardship is inevitable in life. Get over it and stop expecting life to be a stream of undisturbed pleasure. No one is free from tests, trials and discomfort. This is the existential journey in which we grow and refine ourselves!

Since this is a fact, all of us must assess the pain between different paths of action as well as the gain of those paths. This is the pain value system.

For example: if I don’t like being overweight and recognize it gives me pain and discomfort, I may also see that having an exercise routine, eating better and sacrificing my midnight snack binges are also painful. Well, which one am I willing to be uncomfortable with? Both are paths that will be painful but which path will have greater gain and benefit for me in the long run? Stay fat or get fit? Hopefully this reasoning will help us break through that first step and realize “Enough is enough. I am going to suffer anyways so I might as well do what is best for me!”

In relationships, we must do what is best for “us.” Couples express how hard it will be to work on themselves or practice new skills. I tell them, “You are already suffering in this relational pattern so you might as well suffer in a path towards growth instead!” Push yourselves to practice skills and support one another! It is better to try changing with hard work, than stay stubborn and not work—both paths will be painful but one will end in pleasure and success!

4) Growth is incremental.

The keys to growth clearly show that things take time and happen in succession. We all know the saying, “Nothing happens over night.” Every step towards achievement is part of the achievement. To get to the top of the mountain where that epic view awaits, you have to take one step at a time. As we walk up the trail we may stop to rest, sit and reflect, hydrate or even fall down a few meters, but we have to keep going and move one foot at a time.

Growth has a pulse and it is not a direct line shooting up vertically or even at a smooth 45 degree angle. It usually has waves and crests much like the lifeline you see on a hospital monitor. As a Taoist proverb says, “It is better to move slowly than to stand still.” In Islam it is better to do a small good deed consistently than a huge deed once. Why? With time, those small deeds will become a mountain of goodness for you and change your character. In relationships the daily hug or smile you give your partner will result in a deeper intimate connection overtime. Research by Shaunti Feldhahn, a best selling author on relationships, has shown that it is the little things over time that make couples happier. For example saying, “I love you” to your wife or “Thank you” to your husband when he does something will take the edge off overtime and prevent conflict eruptions in the future besides increasing the connection and gratitude in your relationship.

5) Progress not Perfection.

One couple I worked with wanted to make the dawn prayer every day together. Before this they did not pray at dawn at all and the wife requested the husband wake them up to have this new spiritual habit. The following week she came in feeling like they failed and I asked why? She said, “We only prayed three times this past week.” I pointed out to her, “So you did make progress?” She thought for a moment and said, “Yeah, I guess we did.” I helped her see that she was too focused on praying everyday, the end goal, such that she overlooked the actual growth: praying three times that week verses zero!

The progress is more important than perfection. In fact, perfection is practically impossible. For those of you thinking, “Well what about mastery?” Mastery is still not perfection. Perfection is only for the Divine. Michael Jordan still missed some shots and Thomas Edison failed a thousand experiments before the light bulb. Yet we recognize them as masters in their trade and remember the achievements and progress they made—not the failures. This is a major block we have in relationships. We focus on the let downs and disappointments rather than the effort and small progress that is happening. We can’t get there and be there at the same time. Patience is at the heart of progress and staying consistent requires will power. We can give up easily if we frame our actual progress as “failure” in light of it not being “perfect.”

6) Relapses may occur.

Yes, old habits can die hard. You may have not shouted at your wife for three months then slipped up again. You may have prayed everyday for two weeks then only a few times the following week. You may have been at the gym all year then took a month off.

People are wired in certain ways and have habits and behavioral patterns. Change is not easy and from time to time a pulse or trigger goes off and we may act out or lose steam. It is not the end of the world! Get back to it and use your previous progress as proof that you can do it again and keep that change pulse vibrant! Some people are really disciplined and can maintain a new practice no matter what; others have relapses from time to time. Don’t see it as a failure but a change in frequency. The important thing is to keep your pulse alive no matter what! Remember this the next time your partner seems to have “gone back to their old ways.”

7) Appreciation & Reminders!

I always tell my clients, “Appreciation of kind acts leads to motivation to act kindly.” As humans we feel valued and honored when we are shown gratitude. When we feel validated we naturally want to do more for others. This is why a child can do the same act over and over again if they get praised. It literally feels like a sparkling light went off in the soul! Showing gratitude is so important I start my couple’s sessions off with each partner first voicing their gratitude to one another. Part of showing appreciation is to reward each other and ourselves through small tokens of gratitude, whether material, verbal or emotional. The human being likes incentives and our society is all about rewards; even the hereafter has a set of rewards in place for those who believed and did good! Bottom line—treat yourselves and treat each other from time to time for your achievements. This helps us feel like we can keep going and set milestones to look forward to.  Part of appreciation is to remind one another of our good traits, praise the qualities and acts we want to see more of. This validates us and makes us feel that inner light beam which will motivate us to keep going and trying!

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, earned a BA in Psychology and Religion, obtained an MA in East-West Psychology and is a certified professional life coach. He worked in educational settings for several years and currently has a practice called Noor Human Consulting. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship development, family dynamics and youth coaching. Visit noorhumanconsulting.com for more information.

“I’ve disappointed myself one too many times in my lifetime. Going for the gold, reaching half way, then giving up as if it was nothing…as if it wasn’t worth it. Each time I do this, I’m left staring at my pitiful reflection in the mirror saying, “What the heck is my problem? What is it that I do not understand? Why do I not see Hell-fire in front of me? Why is it that I am so certain while doing these things that I’m going to Jannah (heaven), all the while justifying my idiosyncrasies with excuses galore?”

If we don’t take the time to realize why we commit sins, we may never be able to prevent them. There are many different kinds of mistakes, and pinpointing them makes a world of difference.

The first kind of mistake is that of ignorance. In these mistakes, we do not realize the dangers of disobeying the Creator. In times like these, we should take the advice from those who came before us when they said, “Don’t ever look at the smallness of the sin you are committing, rather realize the magnitude of the One you are sinning against.”

The next kind of sin is that which is done to simply follow one’s desire. We know that the action we are doing is wrong, and we know that we are sinning against the Almighty; yet we still do it out of weakness in controlling our own desires. It is in these matters that we need to gain self-control and self-restraint lest we be deemed of those whom Allah speaks about in the Qur’an when He says:

Have you seen he who has taken as his god his [own] desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah? Then will you not be reminded? (45:23)

Another type of mistake is that which is known as the “Time Zone” Mistake. This is a sin that is directly influenced by a time or place that one is in. This could range from I only do this mistake if I stay up late at night or I only make this mistake when I go visit my friend at her house. These mistakes are the easiest to prevent if we are able to eliminate our entering the specific “Time Zone.” For example, if hanging out with a certain friend always results in you committing a sin, the best way to prevent that sin is to stop hanging out with that friend. At times, however, we are not able to eliminate the “Time Zone” element from our lives, and in cases like these we should resort to putting forth extra effort during the times that we know we are at risk for a specific sin. And of these “Time Zone” mistakes, there is another which is called the “Companion Mistake.” Our friends influence us greatly and when we are around those who sin, we increase our chance of sinning as well.

The worst of all these sins, however, is that sin which is done openly.  The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) said: “All of my ummah may be forgiven except those who commit sin openly. It is a kind of committing sin openly if a man does something at night, then morning comes and Allah has concealed his sin, but he says, ‘O So and so, I did such and such last night,’ when his Lord has concealed him (his action) all night but in the morning he reveals that which Allah had concealed for him.”

Once these sins have been recognized, there are some steps that need to be taken. I have heard people say many different things about what to do after a sin is committed, but I find that the six-step remedy is the most comprehensive. These six steps include:

1. Admitting your mistake;
2. Repenting to Allah;
3. NOT MAKING EXCUSES;
4. Being serious about seeking change;
5. Always realizing the result of the sin;
6. And not being a candle – giving light to others and burning yourself.

In the end, we should realize that a doctor is not a doctor because she claimed to be. A surgeon is not a surgeon because she said she’s good with her hands. A teacher is not a teacher because she said, ‘I can teach.’ They first have to take a series of exams, and not everyone passes.

Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried? (29:2)

May Allah cause us to be of those who see our mistakes and fix them, and of those who see other people’s mistakes and help them through it.

Part I

I want you to take a moment and think back to all of the Islamic events, conferences, lectures. halaqahs (circles) or any related gatherings you have ever attended. Try to remember the impact that the speaker had on you, the moments of inspiration that had you promising yourself that today would be the day you would change.

My question is: have you?

When I was younger, I remember feeling a strong excitement whenever the next Islamic event was around the corner. Like so many Muslim youth, I was part of a clique, so to speak, that would not only attend these events, but feverishly advertise them through networking and social media. Truthfully speaking, it sometimes became less about the event itself, and more about being part of a group that got to listen to popular speaker X on popular topic Y.

It felt inclusive…at the time.

Yes, I was learning about the basics of my deen (religion) which helped to create a foundation on which I could build my religious identity. However, at some point, I couldn’t help but realize that I had been met with a wall.

Somewhere along the way, the topics at such Islamic events started to meld together; certain stories, ahadith (sayings and traditions of the Prophet ﷺ) and Qur’anic verses were so often quoted that the impact they had on me were gradually dulled. I couldn’t help but find myself yearning for something deeper and more meaningful. I had also become keenly attuned to (and, later, excruciatingly bored with) the jokes and attention-grabbing tactics that many, if not most, of the speakers employed in order to engage the audience.

I soon realized that I had stumbled upon a spiritual plateau. This realization was marked by the reality that despite the numerous Islamic gatherings I had attended, I had barely changed. Sure, my mental bank of basic Islamic knowledge had grown, but when I was honest with myself, I had to admit that very little of that knowledge had actually translated into practical action on my part.

Upon realizing this, I felt consumed by guilt. Was I a hypocrite? After attending so many Islamic gatherings – to the point where everything sounded the same – why was I still battling with the same demons? Why did I commit the same sins? Why did my books and notes end up lost or collecting dust somewhere?

And then it hit me: I had come across a spiritual blockage which, at some point, had led me to a pause in practical learning and replaced it with a sophisticated and glamorized means of information collecting. I had collected a library of profound ahadith, ayat (verses from the Qur’an) and stories that made me feel good, but would eventually be stored in the back of my mind, rarely to be accessed again.

While at one point these events served as beneficial reminders for me, they now began to fill a spiritual void; one where I was falsely – and temporarily –  left feeling good about attending the event for the sake of doing so, and not necessarily for having left it a better person.

For so long, I couldn’t quite put my finger on the anxiety I felt once I noticed how bored and uninspired many of the events left me feeling. It was only through intense research at the time, and my current training as a psychotherapist, that I came across a way of defining my experience: spiritual bypassing.

In a fantastic piece in Psychology Today, Dr. Ingrid Mathieu says about the issue:

“We’ve gotten progressively more skillful in our methods: turning away from drugs or alcohol to alter our consciousness and turning towards things like self-help books, meditation, yoga, prayer, and special diets. In some ways, we are now spiritually distracting ourselves from our feelings, thinking that we are walking a healthy spiritual path.

“This experience is called spiritual bypass. Spiritual bypass is a defense mechanism. Although the defense looks a lot prettier than other defenses, it serves the same purpose. Spiritual bypass shields us from the truth, it disconnects us from our feelings, and helps us avoid the big picture. It is more about checking out than checking in—and the difference is so subtle that we usually don’t even know we are doing it.”

How many of us have yet to recognize the ways in which we have used spiritual bypassing as a defense against our deeper emotions and issues?

Once I became aware of this concept, I intentionally increased my self-awareness. I made sure that I attended events and circles that were relevant to my spiritual journey and that genuinely interested me. I also began to shed the position of the passive event attendee and instead assumed a role of critical thinking and engagement (something which unfortunately got me into a little trouble sometimes). What I discovered shocked me and helped me lift some of the self-blame and shame that I felt towards my spiritual plateau.

Firstly, I came to question (out of curious truth-seeking, not hostility) the actual organizations or groups hosting such events: What was their mission? What was their history of active community engagement and service? What were their underlying Islamic values and concepts? What progressive strides have they made in my community – or have they at all?

I also began to actually question the speakers from whom I was learning – something that we are usually conditioned not to do, especially as young Muslims. I began to attune myself not only to what the speaker was saying, but to how they said it and how it made me feel. I also began to consider the context from which they came. Shortly, I realized that much of why I couldn’t connect to particular speakers, or why their words would often leave me feeling uneasy, was due to our completely different worldviews and experiences. I began to see why I, as a young, coloured, educated Somali-Canadian female was having trouble connecting with what the speaker (who was often an older South Asian or Arab* male with orthodox Islamic knowledge) was telling me about Islam.

It wasn’t about race or politics; it was about relatedness. My difficulty with establishing congruence between the Islam I was learning in these controlled environments and the Islam that I faced on a day-to-day basis stemmed not from an inherent deficiency in my sensibilities – or that of the speaker – but deeper issues rooted in race, privilege, authority, socio-economic status, gender, upbringing, education, perspective and hierarchy, to name just a few.

In time, I began to see how my true struggles were not being addressed at these events. Yes, it was nice to learn about our wonderful and enriched Islamic history, but what did that mean for me right now? What did it mean after I left the event? I am sure the onus of responsibility to create meaning and connection lies mostly with the individual; however, what about the roles of our speakers, Islamic organizations and workers?

*please note that these ethnic groups were used as an example for the purpose of highlighting cultural differences. Such differences, however, are not limited to individuals from these groups.

I heard this quote from a shaykh (religious scholar) quite a long time ago, and it was only until this Ramadan that I understood it.

Although this blessed month of Ramadan is one in which so many opportunities for change and personal growth are presented to us, many of us are still experiencing the same struggles and issues that we faced pre-Ramadan.

That is, we find ourselves trapped in the same unfavourable circumstances (which may in fact be getting worse) or indulging in the same sins and poor habits that we hoped would magically disappear in Ramadan – but which have not. Instead, we find that we have not changed much, or we have changed very little. We may even have started this Ramadan with soaring levels of iman (faith), only to later find ourselves back down to our natural baselines – perhaps even lower, since now we are also disappointed that we have not met our Ramadan goals.

Shaytan had been working on us all year and we expected, just like that, that the month of Ramadan would stop our spiritual coffees stirring. That we would be completely, and immediately, cleansed of the satanic imprint left on our souls.

Alhamdulillah (all praise be to God), I am sure that a blessed few of us truly have been purified this month. Yet many of us have found our spiritual cups of coffee still stirring. We have found ourselves stumbling over our personal spiritual blocks and feeling distant from Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), or completely unworthy of the immense forgiveness He (swt) offers us this great month.

I have often found myself in such a situation, but what makes this Ramadan unique for me is that for the first time I have asked myself: could it be that although the shayateen (devils) are locked up this month, I have always been my own shaytan?  

This realization was pivotal, and taking personal responsibility was both humbling and freeing. Humbling because I realized that truly, this month there is no-one to blame for my own unfavourable actions but myself; freeing because I now feel empowered to sit in the front seat of my life and do the hard personal work that is clearly needed.

As such, my perception of Ramadan has slightly changed. I now view it in a more realistic sense; I probably will not have a character overhaul this month, my circumstances may not get better (and may even get worse), I may carry on with the same sins that seem to always hold me back, and I may not feel the taqwa (God-consciousness) that this month is supposed to cultivate. (( “O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous.” Qur’an, 2:183 ))

Although it may not seem like it, thinking this way has been very healthy for me. Instead of viewing Ramadan as a machine which I enter as my sinful, faulty self and come out completely transformed into the ideal Muslim I hope to be (whatever that looks like), I now view it as a training ground. It is a launch pad from which I will be thrust into the rest of the year with some new spiritual equipment to fight my personal demons as well as those from among the jinn.

My coffee may still stir, but without a doubt, this month has slowed down the rate. Insha’ Allah (God willing), once the devilish spoon is returned, the momentum will be weakened while my grip on the spoon continues to strengthen.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Reforming not Demolishing the Status Quo

This is attested to by several incidents wherein the Prophet ﷺ, far from changing everything, approved of practices that were prevalent in the time of Jahiliyya (Pre-Islamic times). An example of this is the law of Qasama. This was when a body of a murdered person is found on a land occupied by a tribe, fifty inhabitants of that land must each take an oath that they have neither taken part in the death of this person nor have any knowledge as to who the killer is. If there were less than fifty people, than those present must take oaths more than once until the quota of fifty oaths is reached. After this, they are free from any liability, in terms of punishment, but must still pay compensation to the family of the murdered. It is recorded in the Musnad of Imam Ahmad and in Sahih Muslim:

“The Prophet approved of the law of qasama which was prevalent during the time of jahiliyya.”  (Muslim and Musnad Ahmad)

This was not only in penal matters, but the Prophet also did the same with the prevalent forms of marriages during his time. Aisha, radi Allahu `anha (May God be pleased with her), narrates:

“There was the marriage which is that still practised by people today in which a man asked another man for his ward or daughter, paid her her dower and then married her. Another type was that a man would say to his wife after she was pure from menstruation, “Send for so-and-so and have intercourse with him.” Her husband would stay away from her and not have sex with her until she became pregnant by that man with whom she was sleeping. When it was clear that she was pregnant, then her husband would sleep with her if he wished. He did that out of the desire for a child of noble descent… Another type of marriage was that a group of less than ten men would go to the same woman and all have intercourse with her. If she became pregnant and gave birth, some days after the birth she would send for them, and none of them could refuse to come. When they were gathered together before her, she would say to them, “You know what you did. I have given birth. It is your son, so-and-so!” She would name whichever of them she wanted to name, and her child would be attributed to him and the man could not deny that. The fourth type of marriage was that many men would go to a woman who would not refuse whoever came to her. They were prostitutes and they used to set up flags at the doors as signs. Whoever wanted could go to them. If one of them became pregnant, when she gave birth, they would be brought together and they would call the physiognomists who would then attach the child to the one they thought was the father. He would be ascribed to him and called his son. None of them could reject that. When Muhammad, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was sent with the truth, he abolished all of the marriages of the Jahiliyya except the marriage practised by people today.” (Bukhari)

Moreover, custom or `urf, is something that is considered in Islamic law. This is evident in contractual law. For example, if in the sale of a car, it is known that it is the seller who usually delivers the product, then even though this may not be verbally stipulated, the sharia (Islamic ruling) will consider it as such. Thus the legal maxim, “That which is known by custom, is treated as if it has been stipulated verbally.” Another example is the obligation of the husband to financially support his wife (nafaqa)—the actual amount is not stipulated. It is referred to the custom of the people to decide how much is fair. Thus far from doing without custom altogether, many aspects and rulings of the sharia are dependent on the customs of a people, in order for them to be actionable.

Of course, if the customs of a people contradict a clear textual evidence of the Qur’an and sunna, then that is discarded, as the Prophet ﷺ exemplified. 

The Attitude of (predominantly young) Religious People

The point of mentioning all this is to highlight the fact that Islam is not supposed to be practiced in a vacuum, where anything, by virtue of it being foreign, is rejected and seen to be something that the sharia despises. This is more so when it seems almost fashionable for young practicing people to boast how some practice is “just” traditional, and hence they want to rid themselves of it.

Weddings as an Example

For example, during weddings, different cultures have different ways of doing things. All of this is fine, unless something contradicts the sharia. So having a pre-wedding function is completely fine. Thus it does not make sense, at least from a purely shari point of view, for people who start to practice newly or are practising to want to go against such functions in the name of religion, and upset a huge number of relatives. This breaks up unity and gives Islam a bad name and makes religious people seem like they are against having fun.

Reason for Rejection: Un-Islamic

The common argument is that because there is no precedent for such functions in the sunnah, it is by default un-Islamic. However, this attitude itself is Un-Islamic and rejected, since when it comes to social practices and events, “everything is permissible until proven impermissible.”

Reason for Rejection: Finance

Of course, sometimes halal (permissible) customs can place undue hardship on people, especially those that are not financially well off. In such situations, should a person not want to hold a customary function, it is completely justified and praiseworthy, since spending out of one’s means is discouraged. Yet the reason for breaking from one’s cultural practices would be finance, and not because something was intrinsically wrong with the function.

Reason for Rejection: Personal Choice

If someone wants to break from their cultural practices and tradition due to personal preferences, then it is only fair that they make this known and not mask this using religious justifications. This would be an unfair abuse of religious texts. Of course the motivation for appealing to religion at such times comes from the fact that breaking from traditions attracts the censure of one’s family and peers, and in an attempt to deflect such criticism religion is used as a shield.

Moreover, people should be wise when making such choices by taking into account the possible harms that may result. One needs to balance one’s individualism with the wider concerns of one’s family. After all it was the Prophet himself ﷺ who said to Aisha (ra) when she took a woman on her wedding night to a man from among the Ansar:

“O ‘Aisha, was there any entertainment (in the gathering)? For the Ansar love entertainment.” (Bukhari)

He ﷺ knew the custom of the Ansar and respected it.

We must not forget that our religion is a universal one, and our Prophet ﷺ is a universal prophet. Thus, we, who claim to follow the Prophet ﷺ must also adopt this in our attitude and practice. In the words of the Qur’an:

“And We have not sent you except comprehensively to mankind as a bringer of good tidings and a warner. But most of the people do not know.” (Qur’an, 34:28)

This universality implicitly accepts the cultures and traditions of all people with the condition that they do not contradict the Qur’an and sunna. This difference is an aspect of life that is to be embraced, not an imperfection to be erased.

By Tarek Younis

When the caliph Abu Bakr, radi Allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him), became sick and sensed his end was near, it was clear to him the subsequent choice of caliph would determine the community’s future. As such Abu Bakr (ra), whose wisdom was unmatched save for the Prophet ﷺ  himself, decided it would be less controversial if the Muslim community agreed upon the next caliph while he was still among them; the ummah (all Muslims) most assuredly would not argue upon a choice seen favorably by the greatest of the Prophet’s ﷺ companions. However the sahabah (companions), unwilling to take the position for themselves and unable to find a qualified individual in their stead, delegated the task back to Abu Bakr (ra). Accepting the task, undoubtedly having a candidate already in mind, the caliph requested some time to do his research, and invited the most prominent Muslims in the community for counsel—Uthman ibn Affan, Abdur-Rahman ibn ‘Awf, Usayd ibn Hudayr among others from the Ansar and the Muhajirun (ra).

“What is your opinion of Omar ibn al-Khattab?”

The companions of the Prophet ﷺ, astounded that such a question need even be asked, all responded harmoniously: “He is better than you think he is. There is no one else like him among us. I know that he is the best after you.”

Thus, the decision was clear, the voices unanimous—save only for the concern of one companion, Talhah ibn Ubaydullah (ra). The concern he raised to Abu Bakr (ra) was simple, and indeed comprehensible in light of what is widely known of Omar ibn Khattab’s (ra) character, even to this day:

“What will you say to your Lord when He asks you about appointing Omar over us when you have seen how harsh he is?”

The wisdom contained within Abu Bakr’s (ra) reply to this remains outstanding; wisdom delivered only to the real men and women of understanding, with Abu Bakr as their role model:

“Are you trying to make me fear Allah? [Any ruler] who does you wrong is doomed. I will say ‘O Allah, I appointed over them the best of your people.’ [Omar is so harsh and strict] because he thinks I am too soft and gentle; when he is in charge, he will change a great deal.”

Abu Bakr’s (ra) wisdom entailed the appreciation of man’s capacity for change. And true to his firasa (profound insight), Omar (ra) did. Indeed, if anything, one can relate Omar’s entire life—from attempting to kill the Prophet ﷺ in his time of jahiliya (when he was naive) to his caliphate following the death of Abu Bakr (ra)—as a testament to change which, implicitly or explicitly, made him admirable to so many. People are naturally inclined to hold such stories of change with high regard, because they not only remind us of the transience of our current situations, but upon reflection, they erect large signs above our futures which say:

‘You can become much more, if you so will.’

A Contemporary Model of Profound Change

Another great example of the human capacity for change is el-Hajj Malik el-Shabazz, commonly known as Malcom X. Although people often reflect upon the achievements he afforded the oppressed African-American community or his ultimate acceptance of ‘real’ Islam in Mecca, let us set all labels and incidents aside and appreciate the man as a whole. Here, again, we see someone whose life testifies to change; he was an intelligent young student, turned atheist hustler and thief, turned bookish and scholarly, turned separatist leader, turned outcast then finally Muslim human rights advocate. Although one may disagree on the labels, his own words emphasize mine:

“Despite my firm convictions, I have been always a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds it. I have always kept an open mind, which is necessary to the flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth.”

This was a virtue which made him so impressionable among the young Black youth around America; as a man who came from the streets, he symbolized the human ideal of developing one’s potential beyond environmental constraints. None of this is to say that all change is necessarily good. Indeed, our capacity for change encompasses both extremes of vice and virtue, and it only takes one reading of Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning or Hannah Arendt’s The Banality of Evil to reflect upon a modern-day account of how regular people (i.e. you and I) are fully capable of committing terrible injustices and atrocities. Instead, the point of this article is to reflect on our capacity to change; only then, can we will a change for the better.

Ramadan: the Greatest Catalyst for Change

Ramadan is an especially prominent time to meditate on our capacity to change. In fact, if you think about it, the sacred month already sets the stage to reflect upon a state of being devoid of essential pleasures, such as food and water. This, in and of itself, is already a fundamental change, even psychologically. Indeed, many people, especially non-Muslims prior to conversion, almost see it as an impossibility to go an entire day without food, let alone water. But, in time, they do—they change, not only their habits, but the very way they see themselves. It is this opportunity afforded to all of us which is, in its essence, self-revelatory: “Wow, if I can stop myself from these essential things, what else can I change in myself?” But this should only be the beginning—a taste—of your undiscovered potential, and to emphasize this, the Prophet ﷺ warned that whoever completes Ramadan with the sole intention of fasting, will only leave it hungry. And naturally, the Prophet’s ﷺ wisdom is unequaled; he understood, better than anyone, the sheer potential for change contained in Ramadan – the type of change that can mark the difference between Paradise and Hellfire in an instant. In light of all this however, the change I am focusing on here is not only limited to spirituality in the strictest sense of the term, although clearly there is no better change than to increase in taqwa (God-consciousness) and attain ihsan (the most elevated state of faith)—indeed, there are few (if any) changes that do not affect them. Rather, the change I am proposing refers to your very nature, as an individual. Let me provide an example from my own life to avoid unnecessary theorizing.

I used to play a lot video games—a lot—which began at a very early age. Many years ago, in Ramadan, I began to question my obsession with video games; was it really all for fun, or was there something else involved? I decided to use the month as an opportunity to cut back entirely from it, and so as the days passed by, lo and behold, I began to feel more and more anxious. Then suddenly it dawned on me, an extreme stroke of self-revelation which, to this day, surprises me how hidden it was in plain sight (although understandably, as we rarely reflect on habits and characteristics that are so close to us): beyond leisure, I played video games as a form of escapism. Escape from what? Many things, but among others: feelings of anxiety or humiliation; when life was not looking too good; when I was not feeling heard or respected; when I experienced some powerful emotions I did not understand. Please note however that this was my escape, and it should not be generalized to others. There are many other forms of escapism of course (a client in therapy told me about his with Facebook; a constant need to be around others; an obsession with the news or sports), and I am sure, looking back, I would ascribe music, movies and TV shows to myself as well. Now, by withholding these pleasures—these ingrained habits—from my system, things became all too clear, and I was able to reflect on the mental states which previously sparked a need to escape. For example, perhaps I give too much weight to how others see me, and so, by virtue of the impossibility to please everyone and the ensuing feelings of anxiety, I need to rethink my priorities (note: of course, rethinking is an overly simplistic description of what needs to be done; actions intended towards others rather than Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, (exalted is He) are more difficult to spot than an ant on a dark rock at night). Now, although far from perfect, I’m able to enjoy video games, movies, books, the company of others etc, at a much different level than before, appreciating them for what they truly are and singling out what I really like about them. It may seem like a small change, but in my opinion, no grand changes to the likes of Omar ibn al-Khattab (ra) or Malcolm X come in one fell swoop; they take years upon and years of self-development, and are only truly appreciated in retrospect. But you have to start somewhere.

Time to Make a Change

Having just provided an example, now it is your turn. What are your most dysfunctional or distressing characteristics? These are obviously the most significant characteristics demanding your immediate attention. Also, take a moment to reflect on the things in your life you rarely ever reflect on, because Ramadan is the perfect time to do so; indeed, we rarely ever think about the sustenance of water in our lives but sure enough, come Ramadan, we do so every day. As such, ask yourself questions such as “If I were to abstain from habit X in Ramadan, let’s say hitting the gym, how does that make me feel.” At that moment, you may realize just how much muscle mass really means to you, and you have an opportunity to reflect on why this is the case. Furthermore, entertain the following reflection: if you could change anything in your life, what would it be? Here, again, I am not referring to an exclusively Islamic framework of change; indeed, a small concern I have with this is that we often limit our perspective towards things that are halal (permissible) and haram (impermissible) (i.e. I need to stop smoking), or even the things that are encouraged and frowned upon, while neglecting one’s very self. Naturally, no one should ever tell you that Facebook or going to the gym or watching the news is haram or frowned upon, nor can they. Rather, I am referring to you as an individual, embodied with a potential to become an Omar ibn al-Khattab (ra) or a Malcolm X. You need to ask yourself, “What kind of personal insight must I attain to change myself to such a degree?” Read up on the great men and women who have experienced major changes in their characters. Finally, take a moment to also reflect on your positive characteristics, and ask yourself how you can improve upon them. If by each passing Ramadan we are left with just a little more self-understanding, we are well on our way to becoming much more than we are today.

If, on the other hand, we only take Ramadan at face value—a month of abstinence—we may have just forfeited the greatest opportunity for self-development available to us. When else, I ask myself, will we find another opportunity to fulfil our capacity for change?

Tarek Younis is a fourth year PhD/PsyD psychology student at the Université du Québec à Montréal, and a long-time community activist in Montréal, Canada. For more articles investigating the psychological configuration of Muslims, visit him at www.muslimpsyche.com

Since reading Muhammad Asad’s “The Road to Makkah”, I have become fascinated with exploring the perspectives non-Muslims and converts have on Islam and life generally. Being born Muslim, many of us take for granted the way we think and act, rarely paying attention to the reasons why. We casually assume every person to be the same as us, unable to fathom the nuances between different perspective, the rationality behind their thought or the background with which they speak. What Asad brought to light in his book was a perspective on life which underlies all these different issues, something I had rarely ever considered before; change.

Change is a word we often hear. Though many of us understand what it is, few of us know how to actually achieve it. Ramadan has become the Muslim equivalent of a New Year’s resolution; they come and go with promises of change but we often end up with very little to show for it. Change just seems too inconvenient.

What fascinates me with converts like Muhammad Asad is how they embody change. Every aspect of their life gradually changes over time, sacrificing the most deeply rooted of habits in order to align themselves with their new found faith. Their conversion is encapsulated through two key dimensions: an open mindedness to address the most fundamental aspect of their humanity – their faith – and a willingness to explore other perspectives of reality which were previously considered as foreign or wrong. By changing their faith, they are not only changing an identity or set of values, they acknowledge that all their previous decisions and actions may have been wrong and concede that the perspective they disagreed with was right all along. If they can overcome these two obstacles, everything else becomes a walk in the park. These two things are the keys to their success. The resulting changes are all fruits of this change.

Muhammad Asad, author of the Road to Makkah

As Muslims, we seem to have forgotten so much of this. We fail to understand that conviction is what drives the change, not our own actions. We need to ‘convert’ ourselves back to our original disposition, ridding ourselves of our intellectual and spiritual arrogance to search for the truth ourselves and recognize it wherever we see it. We must look beyond our own culture, habits and desires and be willing to place ourselves to learn what true faith and submission means. So many Muslims close their minds to any perspective other than their own, scarcely ever trying to understand the essence behind what they believe and practice. The process is gradual and the results take time, but this is the key which brought the fruits of change we witness in the great men and women in our history and the key to our own self reformation.I often reflect at what made the generation of the companions radi Allahu `anhum (may God be pleased with them) of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) so great. There are so many things we can cite; their support of the Prophet ﷺ during the heydays of Islam, the transmission and preservation of the sacred tradition, their devoutness in following Islam in its entirety. But for me, there is a more fundamental role that each of these companions (ra) played before any of these could happen; their honesty in recognizing their own misguidance and their ability to change everything in order to live in accordance with their new found faith. Imagine an entire society of individuals whose focus was on their own spiritual journey before casting judgment on others. Abu Bakr (ra), the greatest of men to walk this earth after the prophets, was named As-Siddiq (truthful and trustworthy) for his unequivocal faith in revelation and his rush in applying it to himself.

With this regard, converts are the modern day manifestations of the companions. Their journey is precisely what those great individuals went through in the past, and to understand them is to understand the companions of the prophet ﷺ. I recently had the privilege to talk with a convert who has only been Muslim for a few years. Here is one extract which I will never forget:

“It’s been almost one year to the day since I started practicing – praying five times a day, no pork/wine – although it took me a bit longer to take my shahadah (testimony of faith) formally since I wanted to be sure of what I was doing. There’s something indescribable about such a huge piece of your life you never knew you were missing coming back one day to fill that gap you didn’t realize you had.”

“Even after I took my shahadah, in some respects it felt like getting a driver’s license but not really having a car to drive. We really need to be training our imams (religious leaders) who do the shahadas to facilitate the spiritual process and not just the ‘repeat after me and sign here’ process.”

“The thought of having your slate wiped completely clean is actually quite a daunting one. You would think one would feel all light and spiritually weightless knowing that everything you’ve done wrong before that day has been forgiven, alhamdulillah (praise be to God), but for me, it was quite a heavy feeling. It’s the weight of sensing just a molecule of the immensity of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (Glorified is He); that He can, would and does forgive you, even after a lifetime of disobedience. It’s the weight of knowing He still loves you after denying Him to His face, year after year, and that He never gave up on you. But most of all, it’s the weight of knowing you don’t want to let any dirt get anywhere near your now clean slate again, but the realization that you’ll definitely continue to make mistakes, because you’re human after all. But even then Allah (swt) will continue to forgive you until you get tired of asking. Subhanallah (glory be to God), it’s nothing short of mind-blowing.”

Reading that blew me away. So much of our perception of converts is the “all your sins are forgiven” part that we often neglect the huge struggle and reconciliation the person has to go through behind the scenes. We assume the change is “rational” and “easy” with just a simple utterance of a few words, yet we forget the difficulties that come with changing bad habits and adopting new ones, difficulties which perhaps merit the forgiveness. Rarely do we ever empathize through our own struggles of reformation yet we expect an immediate reconciliation and change in others, something we ourselves are incapable of! How many of us know that being fat is bad for us and against the sunnah (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ) yet never put anything in place to change it? How many of us know that food should halal and Tayyib (pure) yet are content to eat the conveyor-belt meat that fills our shelves? The list can go on… Relating to their struggle is far more effective than judging it.

Al-Qushayri’s letters; by Imam Al-Qushayri

I remember sitting with one of my teachers in Egypt as we read the ‘Letter of Imam Qushayri’ (Risaalah Al-Qushairiyah), a book which describes the biographies of the great scholars during the early period of Islam. What struck me when reading the book was the number of these people who began their life as bandits, thieves and other kinds of criminals yet went on to become some of the greatest Muslims who have walked this earth. As we read through the book, I remember asking my teacher; “I know when someone converts all their sins are forgiven, but what happens if someone is already a Muslim? Is their only route to forgiveness the penal punishment?” As I said this, my teacher looks me in the eyes, smiles and says, “Is the One who is able to forgive the greatest sin of all (shirk) at the utterance of one sentence unwilling to forgive the smaller sins in the same way? All we need is to have that same conviction they do when they make that testimony of faith.”

So perhaps change is not the most difficult thing to understand or achieve after all. Most of us have not reached the level of criminality that some of the great people before us did before they began their process of reformation, so surely our journey shouldn’t be as difficult. In fact, how many of us regularly demonstrate the capacity to change our lives when we hear the commandments of Allah; fasting, praying and giving zakah (charity) when asked to? In this light, the words of Allah (swt) become so much more meaningful as the significance of our own inner struggle and the tribulations of this world are cast in a new light:

“Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Qur’an 13:11)

Our Beloved Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) stood in front of the people one morning, telling them of a journey he made the night before. He told them of al-israa wal-miraaj in which he traveled across countries and rose to the heavens for a sacred meeting with his Lord. Those listening to the account split into two groups: those who accepted the miracle and welcomed it open heartedly and those who denied the possibility of any such journey taking place and denied the miracle all together. Those who accepted the miracle were instantly blessed with the magnificent feeling of awe and love for the One who made that miracle possible. Those who denied the miracle didn’t get any such feeling of awe and love, nor did they find themselves in a miraculous situation, one we all wish to find ourselves in one day. Every day, this same scenario occurs, on a smaller, but still miraculous, scale. And every day, we get to choose what group we will be a part of: those who accept the miracle and are instantly rewarded; or those who deny the miracle and reap nothing. What we don’t realize however, is that when we deny the miracles that occur before our very eyes every day, we deny their effect in our lives and are left scrambling for hope.

Whenever we find ourselves in a difficult situation, the first and most important thing we need to remember is that no matter what happens, nothing we do on our own will cause any beneficial change to occur. The only One in our lives that can make a change is God Himself—when He wills it and with His might, not ours. With this in mind we begin our struggle with spiritual action rather than physical action. Before even moving a muscle we turn our hearts and minds to Him and ask Him for a miracle. This, of course, doesn’t mean we should not put our own effort into fixing our situation; rather, it means that we recognize that our actions are simply a means. The means is not what changes the situation, the change lies in the miracle. With that in mind, no situation is beyond repair, no problem is too big, and no hope is too ambitious. On that same note, God has told us that He is as we think of Him. If we do not fully believe that God will change our situation, then He won’t. If we do not think that we will see miracles in our day-to-day lives, then we won’t. If we do not think that He can miraculously change our lives from pits of misery to a life of love and worshipping Him, then he won’t. When we full-heartedly believe in the miracles of our Lord, we will begin to see them each and every day.

Miracles don’t necessarily have to be a message in the clouds or a crystal clear dream. Rather, miracles can be seen in the smallest of things. It can be that moment when we feel like we are too weak to carry the burden that has been placed on our shoulders, and then He shows us an ant carrying a load many times its size to remind us that if He brought us to it, He’ll bring us through it. It can be seen in that excruciating fear we go through when we realize we forgot to turn off the electric stove and our house will surely burn down, and we return home to find the rain caused the electricity to go out, saving our house and our cooking reputation! It can be seen in that moment when we feel like our faith has hit an all-time low, and He blesses us with people to give us exactly the reminders we need, in the manner that we need it in. These are not all ‘coincidences’; rather they are miracles from the One above, bringing us closer to Him. But of course, it just depends on how we look at it.

Action Item: Try it for yourself. Over the next few days, keep your eyes wide open for His miracles, and feel free to ask for them. You’ll come to see they’re everywhere; we just have to wake up and pay attention.