By Mariam Ahmed

When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce, I remember feeling like my life was coming to an end. I could feel the physical pain of grief and anxiety over what my life would now look like. I kept thinking to myself, why didn’t I act upon the obvious red flags I saw prior to marrying this man? It’s not like his actions or behavior was completely different from the person I was getting to know. But I wanted to marry him so much that I ignored so many things that were not only important to me in my future spouse, but what I discovered further down the road, are also destructive to a marriage. How was I going to move on or meet someone new?

Now that I have moved on and am considering marriage again, what actions should not be tolerated in a marriage, and how can one save their marriage if they are going down a road of destruction? In this piece, I came up with a few FAQs that I remember wanting answers to post-divorce. I have also had discussions with close friends and family who also experienced a divorce about these very questions.

These questions were answered by Marriage and Family Therapists Amal Killawi and Nadia M. Bazzy.

1. What are some red flags a person should look out for in their marriage?

Some red flags to look for in a marriage include hidden bank accounts, secret online identities, a major change in your spouse’s schedule that was not communicated, and new behaviors like drinking, gambling, pornography, and drug use. It is also equally important to look for red flags in how the relationship is functioning. Turning away during conflict, withdrawal, yelling, not resolving issues, anger, and resentment are all signs of relationship breakdown.

2. What are some things that are “unforgivable” and should not be tolerated in a marriage?

Every marriage is different, and each person will determine what he/she is willing to tolerate in a relationship. Some situations may warrant a divorce because it is healthier for the family. For example, in cases of physical or emotional abuse, it is rare for a marriage to survive without major rehabilitation of the perpetrator, and it is usually safest to leave the relationship. Some marriages can heal from major challenges such as infidelity, substance abuse, gambling, and porn addiction, but it will ultimately depend on the willingness of the partner engaging in these behaviors to receive professional counseling and on the level of support, emotional stability, and commitment to the marriage.

3. What are some things you can do if your spouse is asking for a divorce and you do not want one?

Ideally the person who wants a divorce should be able to name and identify the breakdown in the marriage that is prompting them to ask for a divorce. Many times, couples go to a few sessions of counseling to decide if they want to stay together or not. A couple may attempt to separate before they divorce to see if they feel differently about divorce. Many people express that they want a divorce because they are flooded with overwhelming emotions that they cannot work through. Oftentimes, couples counseling can help establish new patterns. While you may want to stay married, you also have to ask: How are you helping the marriage stay together? Change has to occur for the couple to survive.

4. How long and how much should you keep trying to reconcile? When do you stop trying? What should you do if your spouse is not open to couples’ therapy?

Does saying no allow you to have more agency in your relationship and create a power struggle? If your partner does not want to be married to you and is unwilling to attend couples counseling or seek out third-party help, it is best to ask yourself: What you are trying to hang on to? What are you afraid of? Address the fear of the divorce process.

Does your partner say they only want a divorce in the heat of an argument? Often, one partner feels “done” with the relationship but is really just done with the patterns in the relationship that are not fulfilling his or her needs. If that pattern can be addressed, the couple can overcome the situation.

Some people choose to seek individual counseling, and through that, make personal changes in their relationship that may as a consequence, encourage their partner to stay in the marriage. Some people may request their partner to participate in at least one session. Others may seek friends, family members, and/or community leaders to encourage their partner to seek couples counseling. Ultimately, change cannot be forced, but rather has to come from within. No one can force another person to remain in a marriage, and there is no timeline for reconciliation. If your partner is adamant about divorce and is not willing to reconcile, then you do your best to separate in kindness and seek support to heal through the divorce.

5. If your ex-spouse keeps reaching out to you and wants to maintain communication but does not want to return to the marriage, why might they be doing that and what are ways to stop it? Can exes maintain a friendship?

It is not uncommon for people to want to maintain a friendship after the marriage. While it is rare, it is still possible and healthiest if there are children. The Qur’an instructs us to deal with each other in a kind and civil manner. However, there are different types of communication. If they are reaching out with intimate communication, that is a boundary issue and should not be tolerated. You need to say no, and mean no. If they are reaching out in a friendly way that is respectful, it is your personal preference at that point to maintain a relationship or not. Some people find it emotionally difficult to continue a relationship with an ex for many reasons—inability to deal with the separation, dependency on the partner, and hope that they will get back together. Note that being friendly and able to communicate after a divorce does not mean that you can manage being married!

6. What are some things a person can do to help with the difficulty of divorce and the pain?

Healing from a divorce is a journey that will take time. It is important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but also not lose sight of the big picture. Your life does not end with divorce. Divorce may provide you with an opportunity to make changes in your life, to embark on new adventures, and to grow personally and spiritually. Seek support from family and friends, solace in prayer, and challenge yourself to learning something new. Counseling can also be helpful in your healing process.

7. Should you share with a potential suitor about your divorce? When and how much do you share?

You are in charge of what you share about your previous marriage. You may prefer to share openly from the beginning of the courtship or wait until you get to know them more and feel a sense of trust. However, it is important that a potential suitor knows that you were married. If you do not share, you will be keeping a secret, and secrets are a sign that there is distrust in the relationship—which can eventually lead to breakdown of the relationship. It is easiest if someone is aware upfront that you are divorced. This will establish trust and demonstrate that your potential suitor is aware of the situation and willing to work through it. Also, often times there are multiple connections with the person that you are divorced from if there are children, or if the person was from within the family or community.

You should be able to successfully identify why your marriage ended. This is a sign that you have the needed insight to move into a new relationship. If you are afraid of being rejected by a potential suitor because you were divorced, that is an issue that you will need to work through.

8. How soon after a divorce should you consider remarriage?

It is important to not use a new relationship to heal the hurt and pain of the last relationship. This is dangerous, as it sets you and your new partner up for failure. Additionally, the chance of divorce in a new relationship increases if there was a previous divorce. Divorce is a form of loss, even if divorcing was for the best.

It is normal to experience a range of emotions after divorce including depression, anxiety, loneliness, and identity confusion. Many people remark that they need to focus on themselves, rebuild self-confidence, heal the hurts of the last relationship, gain perspective, and learn new relationship skills. Often times, people can be attracted to a personality type that is unhealthy for them, so it is important to identify this before you move on to the next relationship so that the pattern can be broken. You will know you are ready to move on when you have created new insights from your last relationship, are no longer wondering “what if” when you think about the last relationship, are emotionally stable, and have healed from the pains of divorce. If you are asking: “Am I ready?” it is important to press the pause button, and ask, “How will I know when I’m ready?”

9. How soon should you introduce your children to a potential marriage prospective?

There is no standard timeline, but a sudden remarriage can be difficult for children to accept. Children will need time to deal with their parents separating, changes in their life as a result of the divorce, as well as feelings about the divorce. Introduce a potential slowly and communicate openly with your children about their feelings with this new person in your life.

Some helpful resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/divorce

http://muslimvillage.com/2013/03/26/37555/islamic-divorce-is-separation-with-kindness/

Nadia M. Bazzy is a Limited Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LLMFT) and holds a M.A. in Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding with a concentration in Psycho-Social Recovery. She specializes in couples and family therapy and maintains a private practice in Novi, Michigan.

Amal Killawi is a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Michigan, where she is also currently pursuing a Certification in Sexual Health. She is also a researcher focused on addressing health disparities among American Muslims and providing patients with culturally-competent care. As a community activist, Amal serves on the board of several non-profits, particularly focused on cultural competence, mental health, marriage and family life education, social services, and youth empowerment. She has been involved with the Muslim Students’ Association at the local, regional, and national levels. Amal formally contributes to the Virtual Mosque VMCounselors advice column designed to answer readers’ personal questions.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This is the second part of this two part series for my fellow mothers to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order in to it. To read part one, please click here.

7. Have the Correct Perception and Keep a Good Perspective

I find much solace in the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) supplication where he seeks that God grants him a true perception of reality: “O Allah, allow us to perceive the true nature of our affairs.”

اللهم أرنا الاشياء كما هي

It is truly a blessing to be able to know the reality of the world, so that we give things around us their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important, nor venerating what is worthless. When our perception of the world is aligned with the true understanding of the nature of dunya (this life) then our outlook at life is grounded in a reliance on Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). When we are afflicted with trying times, we are patient and find recourse through worship. When we are at ease, we are thankful and seek the pleasure of Allah (swt) through good deeds. The outward conditions of human beings are constantly changing and the best buffer to protect our hearts and ground our certainty in faith is beneficial knowledge. As mothers, we should seek beneficial knowledge to form and maintain a correct perception of the world and to adopt the correct and best perspective on affairs that affect our families. Beneficial knowledge incorporates both sacred knowledge and knowledge of the physical world. A believer can never divorce those two branches of knowledge from each other.

8. Seek Beneficial Knowledge

In this age of specialization, we often confine ourselves to one field of study. We fail to read and cultivate our knowledge at every level: be it spiritual or intellectual. Our need to be independent thinkers is weakened. “Read” was the first word revealed to our Prophetﷺ. He was ordered to seek knowledge embedded in both the Qur’an and creation. Creation in itself is like a book which harbors tremendous lessons and which promotes spiritual growth and an unceasing curiosity for learning.

Abu Hurayrah radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleases with him) relates that the Prophet ﷺ said, “For him who embarks on the path of seeking knowledge, Allah will ease for him the way to paradise.”

Beneficial knowledge is rooted in taqwa. (God consciousness).

“Be conscious of Allah [taqwa] and Allah teaches you. And Allah is knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

As mothers, we need the type of knowledge which will support our journey in raising a future generation. Personally, I take on many roles during the day: educator, counselor, advocate, caregiver and more! In other words, I am constantly trying to build my character, by seeking knowledge so that I assume those roles responsibly

This is by no means an easy task as relationships are problematic by nature. It is important to be patient, exercise judicious behavior and learn to choose battles wisely. Such responsibilities require that moms build character through an understanding of such qualities as giving good counsel, and enjoining good and forbidding evil. Seeking beneficial knowledge in a rapidly changing world, which harbors all kinds of moral “isms” and which also encompasses so much diversity entails that mothers keep up with current issues to their best abilities and make time to create an intimate relationship with the Qur’an.

اللِّهُم انّفَعنِي بِمَا عَلَّمتَنِي وعَلِّمنِيِ مَا يَنفَعنِي

The Prophet ﷺ used to say, “O Allah, benefit me with what You have taught me, and teach me what is beneficial for me, and increase me in knowledge.” (Al -Tirmidhi)

9. Converse with the Qur’an through the Stories of the Prophets

Set time aside to develop an intimate relationship with the Qur’an. Maintaining a close relationship with the Qur’an through a thorough study of the stories of the prophets has influenced my character in unimaginable ways. The language of the Qur’an is universal and addresses all human beings in their varying constitutions; that by itself is a miracle. Delving into the trials of the prophets and learning how they manifested humility, patience and gratitude empowers the believer to build a strong character, armed with knowledge and certainty. Furthermore, the relationship that the prophets had with their Creator Who chose them for a great mission but also nurtured them and prepared them for such a task sheds light on His infinite mercy. He is Ar-Rab, the Lord who nurtures His servants and continuously guides them through His light.

لَقَدۡ كَانَ فِى قَصَصِہِمۡ عِبۡرَةٌ۬ لِّأُوْلِى ٱلۡأَلۡبَـٰبِ‌ۗ مَا كَانَ حَدِيثً۬ا يُفۡتَرَىٰ وَلَـٰڪِن تَصۡدِيقَ ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَ يَدَيۡهِ وَتَفۡصِيلَ ڪُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ وَهُدً۬ى وَرَحۡمَةً۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يُؤۡمِنُونَ

“There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding. Never was the Qur’an a narration invented, but a confirmation of what was before it and a detailed explanation of all things and guidance and mercy for a people who believe.” (Qur’an 12:111)

Prophets are exemplars to humankind and their stories are packed with lessons relevant to all times and places. It is our responsibility to approach the Qur’an with the intention to start a personal dialogue with Allah (swt)—through those stories—and to make the relevant connections to our times and life circumstances. More importantly, in those stories, we find all the values necessary to raise a righteous generation.

اللهم اجعل القرآن العظيم ربيع قلوبنا ونور صدورنا وجلاء همومنا

“O Allah, make the Qur’an the sweet spring of our hearts, the light of our breasts and the removal of our woes.”

10. Know that Faith is Experiential

It takes time to experience the different facets of belief. Each mother experiences faith differently, and her spiritual state will be more or less defined by her own cultural influences, educational background, and personality. The beauty of Islam lies in the fact that each one of us carries in her heart an understanding that God is personal, merciful and has perfect knowledge and full control of all affairs. Consequently, each mother should struggle in the ways that best befit the nature of her trials and always seek beneficial knowledge, which will increase her certainty and empower her own struggle.

I heard a sheikh once say, “Islam is bigger than Muslims,” in the sense that there is a place in it for all people with their diverse cultural practices, temperaments, weaknesses and strengths. We should be aware of this great quality of Islam, respect our own individuality, and find opportunities to learn and grow by sharing insights relevant to our unique human experiences while nurturing a strong sense of community.

اللهم ألف بين قلوبنا ، وأصلح ذات بينـنا ، واهدنا سبل السلام

“O Allah reconcile our hearts with love, resolve our broken affairs and guide us towards peace.”

11. Visit the Mosque

Salman Al-Farsi reported: The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever performs ablution well in his home and thereafter comes to the mosque, then he is the guest of Allah and it is a duty upon the host to honor his guest.”

As soon as I enter the mosque, I feel that peace and mercy have descended upon me. My host is generous, always ready to embrace me. It is usually a short visit but I am thankful for this feeling of solace and peace. I always leave uplifted as if the burden of the world has been removed from my chest. Whenever things get stressful, retreat for a short visit to the mosque.

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ فِي قَلْبِي نُورًا وَفِي لِسَانِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي سَمْعِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي بَصَرِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ خَلْفِي نُورًا وَمِنْ أَمَامِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ فَوْقِي نُورًا وَمِنْ تَحْتِي نُورًا اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِنِي نُورًا

“O Allah, place within my heart light and upon my tongue light and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah bestow upon me light.”

12. Navigate your Way with Love

The basic binding force for any family is love. Tranquility, affection and mercy are the pillars through which marital love evolves. Eventually, this love grows to embrace all members of the family.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Despite the struggles and trying nature of relationships, a mother’s role in any form or shape, should always be channeled through the qualities of affection and mercy. Such qualities breed patience and provide a sense of safety and tranquility at home. A safe environment sprung from love breeds a confident young generation with strong moral principles.

وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’” (Qur’an 25:74)

Conclusion

The constant distractions and disorderly nature of the world can become challenging for mothers. An intelligent plan, which is constantly reassessed, modified and personalized, contributes positively to maintaining a sense of peace and calm. I have shared a few suggestions, which make up my personal plan and support my journey as a parent. Those suggestions are by no means comprehensive or work for everyone. Consequently, it is important for each mother to reflect upon her personal struggles and find the appropriate channels through which she can restore balance to her daily routine. However, to ensure a rewarding plan, I suggest that all mothers approach the world and their families through the lens of love and affection and dive into their maternal journeys with noble intentions and ample supplications.

By Umm Ameen

Alhamdulillah (praise be to God) my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to perform Hajj in 2014.  Deciding to go to Hajj was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make since becoming a mother. As a homeschooler and protective mother who is a firm believer in attachment parenting, family and friends were shocked when I shared our Hajj plans. A dear, genuinely concerned friend asked, “How do you expect to leave your baby for so long during Hajj when you couldn’t even leave her with me for three minutes without worrying so much?” My response: “When I left her with you to quickly run to my car, I wasn’t leaving her for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).” As I uttered these words, I shook inside with gratitude toward Allah for guiding me to that realization at that specific moment. Another friend encouragingly reminded me that I am going for my children and was not depriving them in any way. Now that I’ve returned from the amazing journey, I realize that performing Hajj while leaving my little children at home was the best thing I’ve ever done for them. Please pray that Allah (swt) accepts my Hajj and invites me again and again.

I’d like to share some ideas that helped my children before and during my journey. I pray that these ideas will inspire, encourage, and give hope to other mothers contemplating Hajj insha’Allah (God willing).

1. Make du`a’, du`a’, and more du`a’ (supplication) for your children and for Allah to make the separation easy on them and you. Since the inception of our Hajj plans (at least 8 months before Hajj 2014), I started asking Allah (swt) to guide me towards making a decision that was the most pleasing to Him and the best for my deen (religion), dunya (worldly life), and akhirah (hereafter). I performed istikharah (a specific prayer and supplication asking God for guidance) and immediately saw events unfolding in favor of me going for Hajj. I continued to make du`a’ (supplication) imploring Allah to take care of my children in my absence and admitted that it was He, not me, who has been the one taking care of them even in my presence since before their conception! During Hajj, I undoubtedly missed my children tremendously. I made it a point to make du`a’ for them every single time I thought of them. Alhamdulillah, I have no regrets there. May Allah accept all those prayers!

2. Break the news to your children gently in an easy way for them to understand. I decided to hold off on any Hajj related discussions with the children until after Ramadan 2014. One night, as I was tucking them into bed, it just felt like an appropriate time to break the news. The words naturally rolled off my tongue, and alhamdulillah Allah made it easy for me wherein I didn’t cry or express any hesitation whilst talking to my older two. I remember sharing something like, “You know that no matter how much I love reading to you and playing with you, when it’s time for salah (prayer) I drop everything and pray, right? Allah is above everything, and our duty towards Him comes first. Just like salah is a pillar of Islam, so is Hajj. Did you know that this year Allah has invited Mamma and Baba to perform Hajj? Do you know what that means? It means that insha’Allah Baba and I will be going to Makkah for a few days. Hajj is too difficult for children and it’s not safe for me to take the baby so alhamdulillah we’re so lucky that Nanna and Abba will be staying here with you. Isn’t that exciting? It’s going to be so much fun for you! Baba and I are going to make lots and lots of du`a’ for you while we’re there insha’Allah. Do you have any special du`a’ that you want me to make on your behalf?” The children took the news very well alhamdulillah; coincidentally, they even attended a children’s Hajj Simulation at a local mosque the day we departed on our journey.

3. Plan countdown surprises and notes to keep them feeling loved, reassured, and entertained. Our trip was a total of seventeen days. For each day, I had a little gift bag for my children to open. I numbered each gift bag and hung them high on a wall from 17 to 1. This line of gift bags served as a countdown for Mamma and Baba to return. The gift bags contained little items that I carefully chose knowing that they would make the children happy: yo-yos, fancy pencils, whistles, magnifying glasses, bouncing balls, etc. My husband and I also wrote little notes in each bag addressing our children. One note read: “Dear Bhaijaan and Didi, We are so lucky to have you in our lives. Please give your baby sister a hug and kiss from us and play ‘catch, catch, catch’ with her today.” I was told that the children enthusiastically awoke every morning begging an adult to bring down their gift bag. Alhamdulillah.

4. Record videos of yourself for your kids. My husband and I recorded ourselves reading aloud our children’s favorite books. We must have had a total of four to five hours of reading their all-time favorite picture and chapter books. We recorded these videos using our webcams and spent about thirty minutes each night after the children went to bed. During our read aloud sessions, we would pause and “talk” directly to our children commenting, questioning, or reflecting upon the happenings in the book. For example, when a character screamed, “I am all alone!”, I paused and told my children to remember that no matter what, they will never be all alone because Allah (swt) is always with them. Recording these books was a very powerful experience for me and sometimes brought tears to my eyes. I had to re-do my one year old’s favorite book three times since I cried every time I tried to record myself reading to her. Alhamdulillah my children absolutely loved watching the videos, and it was great “baby sitting” for the grandparents when they needed a break. My children still view the videos and thoroughly enjoy them when I’m out running errands, busy with the baby, or performing other household chores. I recently played a recorded book while I busily worked around the house. I grinned from ear to ear upon hearing my daughter responding out loud to the questions that I had posed while my son gently reminded her that “Mamma can’t hear you when she’s in that video.” These videos were a lifetime investment, alhamdulillah, and I totally recommend them to everyone.

5. Buy and wrap `Eid gifts to make their `Eid fun and joyful. I couldn’t imagine my children spending `Eid without their parents, but of course they had a blast with their grandparents and their favorite uncle. Prior to leaving, I bought them special `Eid gifts and wrapped them. My mom surprised them with the gifts on `Eid day and sent me pictures. My family and friends also generously showered the children with gifts.

6. Organize play dates with friends in advance. Alhamdulillah I’m blessed with a beautiful community filled with friends who are eager to please Allah (swt). I requested my trusted friends to take my older two for a few hours every day. The children went on field trips, carnivals, Qur’an class, friends’ homes, etc. They had so much fun every day masha’Allah to the point where I was convinced that I surely missed them way more than they missed me. Alhamdulillah this also gave my parents more time to focus on the toddler who stayed in their warm and loving care 24/7.

7. Have extra toys in case all else fails. I ordered some educational toys and hid them in the garage. My mom knew where they were and would use them as needed. I think she introduced a new toy/activity every four or five days.

8. Make a calendar for the kids to keep them excited and informed. I replicated a calendar on a poster and listed all the dates and days of the week that we’d be gone for. Under each day, I wrote the special activity that the children would be involved in on that day. Entries such as Sky Zone with Mamu, Zoo Day, Play date with Abdur Rahman, Sports Class, Mamma and Baba Return, etc. kept the children excited and informed.

Alhamdulillah I am so grateful to Allah (swt) for inviting me to Hajj and making it so easy. Reflecting back, I was definitely more nervous and anxious than needed. My children were not affected negatively in any way at all and our relationship only grew stronger. The du`a’ that I made for them during Hajj are priceless and made it totally worth leaving them. I had initially contemplated going when the children were much older and independent. However, I now honestly and confidently recommend going as early as possible during your youth so that you can make du`a’ for your children now, and they can start reaping the benefits of the special heartfelt prayers that YOU, their loving mother, made for them when you first saw the Ka`bah, or when you were standing on Arafat, or while gazing at the stars in Muzdalifah. Imagine the power of those du`a’! The du`a’ of a mother who sacrificed so much, put her Lord before her children, and chose to accept His invitation to perform Hajj. I also constantly reminded myself that I may not live another year for another chance. Hajj is something I had to do, not just for my children, but for myself. May Allah accept and invite me again and again.

If you have any additional ideas, please share!

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part II)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This article is the second part of a series bringing forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as) in Surat Al-Baqara. To read the first 3 lessons, please visit the first part of this series here.

Lesson 4

Translate beneficial knowledge into practice.

“And [mention] when We said to the angels, ‘Prostrate before Adam’; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, ‘O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.’” (Qur’an 2:34-35)

After Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) the names, He then prohibited him and his wife from taking delight in one tree. Adam’s first concrete interaction—with Satan and the ensuing punishment—defined the beginning of his practical experiences. The purpose of the encounter with Satan was to teach Prophet Adam (as) and his wife about the nature of their struggle in the real world. According to Ma’riful Qur’an commentary: “They were warned that their existence on the earth would no longer be full of perpetual bliss as it had been in paradise, but there would be dissension and enmity among men, their progeny, which would spoil the joy of earthly life.” Consequently, Prophet Adam (as) learned that his struggle in the world will be between evil and good, and that evil is weak if he is armed with beneficial knowledge and yaqeen (certainty), the real weapons of the future deputy of God. It is those qualities which will protect his relationship with his Creator and strengthen it.

As the child grows older and reaches the age of discernment and beyond, he develops a moral compass and a concrete understanding of the world which are in line with the theological teachings of Islam (creed). This is the time for parents to give their growing children choices and responsibilities. Through closely supervised experiences, parents expose their children to life’s trying nature as prophet Adam (as) was exposed to the consequences of breaking God’s commandment. Giving children an opportunity to blend into their environments while making mistakes is paramount to their developmental growth and social competence. This is an important phase as the child gains the trust of his parents while he feels their unwavering presence in his life and experiences a practical application of his value system.

Those supervised exposures will support the child in navigating through his future with confidence, as he is able to delineate the boundaries, which define his relationship with his Creator, his relationship with the self, and his relationship with creation.

Lesson 5

Teach the child repentance with mercy and love.

“But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, ‘Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.’ Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an, 2:36-37)

Prophet Adam (as) was afflicted with forgetfulness and ate from the forbidden tree. Thereafter God questioned him and he assumed responsibility for his actions. “And We had already taken a promise from Adam before, but he forgot; and We found not in him determination,” (Qur’an, 20: 115). Adam’s disobedience was not intentional. He grew accustomed to the comforts of paradise, forgot his promise and believed Satan. The lessons, which can be highlighted here, are two.

Firstly, Prophet Adam (as) learned how Allah (swt) reprimands the wrong doer and punishes him. Secondly, he learned how Allah (swt) forgives and reveals His mercy when the disobedient repents. Consequently, Adam’s disobedience was instrumental for him to experience the human quality of wrongdoing and the divine attribute of the merciful and compassionate God. Furthermore, mercy is an adornment of the deputy of God so that he may guide those wrong doers in this world to repentance by seeking their Lord.

Making mistakes is of human nature and contributes to invaluable room for emotional growth as it helps define the relationship that the child has with the self and with the Creator. Prophet Adam’s disobedience presented an opportunity for him to understand his weak self and the necessary mechanism to remedy wrong actions through repentance. He also understood that his relationship with his Creator is fortified through beneficial knowledge, which breeds yaqeen, and obedience to God’s commandments. He also learned that his biggest enemy is forgetfulness. Consequently, teaching children repentance is fundamental, as no human being is infallible as the following hadith (narration) states:

The Prophet ﷺ said: “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if you did not commit sin Allah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sin then pray for forgiveness.” Narrated by Muslim . He ﷺ also said: “Every son of Adam sins and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi)

During this phase of upbringing, parents may find many lessons in Prophet Ya`qub’s ((Jacob)) “responsive” parenting style. ((https://www.virtualmosque.com/society/dawah/prophet-yaqub-a-role-model-father/ )) His (as) wisdom and divine knowledge contributed to shaping Prophet Yusuf’s righteous personality as a child and to his unwavering presence in the lives of Yusuf’s misguided brothers. He (as) continuously called them to repentance though wisdom, patience and good counsel. Therefore , reminding our children so that they do not forget as their father Adam did and showing mercy towards them as Allah (swt) did towards Adam (as) are essential parenting tools to raising the future deputy on earth.

Lesson 6

The Earthly Struggle

“We said, ‘Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.’” (Qur’an, 2:38-39)

Prophet Adam (as) learned the consequences to disobedience; he repented and Allah (swt) opened His door to a world which He created and prepared for him to inhabit as His deputy on earth. Allah (swt) then left Prophet Adam (as) in this world with the complete freedom to fulfill this role and out of His mercy sent prophets as a gift and a reminder.

Consequently, whoever is guided in this world is in essence guided to paradise in the hereafter and whoever forgets and is misguided in this world is in essence misguided from the gift of paradise in the hereafter. God in His infinite mercy provided Adam (as) with the knowledge he needed to struggle in His way, taught him the mechanism of repentance and sent messengers to remind his descendents of the meaning of their existence. Those who fulfill their role of deputyship are the ones who rule with justice, avoid transgressions and follow God’s commandments. Those who corrupt and oppress themselves do not assume that divinely delegated role.

Conclusion

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “Religion is counsel,” (Muslim). Our children are the most entitled to such precious counsel until they take on the role of the deputy of God and struggle on their own to gain the pleasure of their Creator.

The first step in raising the future deputy of God lies in establishing safe environments, which reflect the orderliness and beauty of paradise. Attending to the physical and developmental needs of the child through “responsive” and nurturing parenting is equally important.

Secondly, imparting beneficial knowledge, which caters to the child’s learning needs and his age readiness is fundamental to shaping character, reinforcing values and empowering the child to understand the nature of the world and to overcome the fears bred through ignorance.

Thirdly, supporting the child in experiencing his environment broadens his insight into the nature of the world and provides him with practical application of his value system. Parents’ support must be always channeled through an attitude of love and open communication; they remind the child and reprimand him with mercy and love. Alluding to Prophet Ya’qub’s approach (as) to parenting proves to be a good example here, especially during the adolescent years.

Finally, as the child matures well beyond the age of discernment, parents teach him that his carnal instincts are a blessing if channeled towards what Allah (swt) made permissible. In doing so, he reaps the rewards of this life and the hereafter. They also teach him repentance while remaining steadfast to Allah’s commandments, through a character which manifests moderation and wisdom. Equally important, they teach him that his greatest enemy is forgetfulness if he steers away from God’s religion and that the door of mercy is open until he takes his last breath.

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part I)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

The second chapter of the Qur’an, Surat Al Baqara (The Cow), includes the story of Prophet Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) from the beginning of creation through its unfolding phases. Prophet Adam (as) was the first of creation to take upon himself the role of God’s deputy on earth. God ordered him to depart from paradise only after He nurtured him and equipped him with the proper learning to assume such a responsibility. In the story of the creation of Adam (as) are many lessons for parents who seek to raise their children as the future deputies of God. By reflecting upon the stages and the process through which Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught a fatherless Adam and prepared him for deputyship, it is possible to identify a similar process by which parents can raise righteous children.

It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things. And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, “Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.” They said, “Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?” Allah said, “Indeed, I know that which you do not know.” And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, “Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.” They said, “Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.” He said, “O Adam, inform them of their names.” And when he had informed them of their names, He said, “Did I not tell you that I know the unseen [aspects] of the heavens and the earth? And I know what you reveal and what you have concealed.” And [mention] when We said to the angels, “Prostrate before Adam”; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, “Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.” Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful. We said, “Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.” (Qur’an, 2:29-39)

In this article, we allude to the aforementioned verses of chapter Al Baqara and bring forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as). In each verse are lessons, which carry tremendous meanings and which provide a simple blueprint for parents to follow. We sum those meanings into six lessons; the first three lessons in this first article and the last three lessons in part two.

Lesson 1

Establish family relationships based on trust starting in infancy.

“It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an, 2:29)

In the story of creation, Allah (swt) subjected all of earth’s provisions to the benefit of man and sustained the mechanisms which govern the universe so that His servant feels secure enough to strive in his new environment. He shaped the sky as a roof and prepared the earth to meet the needs of Prophet Adam (as) and his descendants. He created an environment, which man can successfully inhabit and cultivate. This is a great blessing and mercy from God as this preparation preceded the creation of Prophet Adam (as).

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: all that is on the earth means “all kinds of benefits that accrue to man from the earth and its produce.” Consequently, as Allah (swt)—Who is not bound by any obligation—prepared the earth, as a safe dwelling for Prophet Adam, man is obliged to prepare a safe environment, which meets the physical needs of a newborn. ((Please look at the appendage for more on the physical components that contribute to a safe domestic environment for the child. We touch on the four components mentioned in the hadith (tradition of the Prophet): The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation” (Narrated in Ibn Hibban).)) Allah (swt) created this safe environment by providing Prophet Adam (as) with all the physical, intellectual and spiritual nourishment, which will help him struggle in His way. Furthermore, He housed him in paradise, his first home, a dwelling of peace, order and beauty, and it was in that same dwelling that He taught him the names of things. Allah (swt) is surely the nurturer and most merciful.

Undoubtedly, the presence of those qualities in infancy beautifies the domestic life and accentuates its sense of safety and stability as the child grows observing those qualities, internalizing them and eventually exhibits them in every aspect of his life. The importance of providing secure and stable environments in infancy and throughout childhood is key to increasing the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes, which are rooted in “trust.” Such outcomes are also the product of nurturing and “responsive” parenting skills. Western research on early development supports those views. (( Erick Ericson, a psychoanalyst, described the different stages of emotional development in children from infancy through adulthood. He explained that in the early stages of growth, infants form attachment bonds, which flourish in safe environments with responsive caregivers. “A critical emotional struggle in infancy is between trust and mistrust. Emotionally healthy babies come to understand that they have nurturing responsive caregivers who meet their basic needs. They come to view the world as safe and predictable. They enter into trusting relationships with caregivers and, later, with other human beings. Security is another word to describe this emotional state.” Trawick- Smith, J, (2010) Early Childhood Development [a Multicultural perspective] p, 170. Pearson Education. ))

Lesson 2

Allocate time to prepare the family for the arrival of a newborn.

“And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, ‘Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.’ They said, ‘Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?’ Allah said, ‘Indeed, I know that which you do not know.’” (Qur’an 2:30)

According to Tafsir Al Tabari, Allah (swt) revealed to the angels that the purpose of Adam’s creation was to establish His commandments and rule with justice. To prepare the angels to meet Adam (as) and recognize his honorable status with His Lord, Allah (swt) delivered the news that He will establish a deputy on earth. According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: “Allah did not mean to seek the advice of the angels, nor was there any need for it, but He, in His wisdom, gave a mere statement in the form of a consultation in order to teach men the advisability of mutual consultation.” Similarly, when parents communicate with family members about the arrival of a newborn, they strengthen family bonds and promote an environment of mutual respect. Furthermore, they instill the love necessary for that child to grow in a safe environment by showing gratitude and contentment, especially through the practice of `aqiqa (the sacrifice of a goat or lamb following the birth of a child). This practice, which is a confirmed Sunnah (the practice of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him) to the majority of the school of Islamic jurisprudence, facilitates the gathering of all family members and friends to bless and welcome the newborn in an environment tempered with love and joy.

Lesson 3

Educate the child through beneficial knowledge.

“And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, ‘Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.’ They said, ‘Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.’” (Qur’an 2:31-32)

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary, “Teaching Adam the names meant that Allah taught him the properties and qualities of all that exists, animate and inanimate.” According to the Shaarawy, the method through which Allah (swt) taught Prophet Adam (as) is identical to the one, which human beings still adopt, in teaching language. Adults begin teaching children the names of objects so that they are able to build meaning and share them. Therefore, knowledge is a gift from God so that man understands his physical environment and the divine laws, which he must follow, and then teaches those meanings to his descendants. ((Inculcating knowledge in a formal setting starts at the age of seven as Ali ibn Abi Talib, radiAllahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) advised us: play with your children till the age of 7, discipline and teach them from the age of 7 to 14 and befriend them at the age of 14 and over.))

Knowledge is of two types: knowledge of the sacred and knowledge of the physical world. To gain access to the beneficial knowledge in both types, it is imperative that parents are God-conscious since Allah (swt) is the All-knowing and He bestows knowledge upon those who are mindful of Him. It is this type of beneficial knowledge, which translates into good deeds and brings human beings closer to God.

“And fear Allah. And Allah teaches you. And Allah is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

Consequently, Taqwa (righteousness; goodness) is the foundation for pursuing knowledge. Parents, who instill this quality in their children at an early stage, while taking into account their age readiness, abilities and diverse learning needs, are literally shaping the character of the future deputy on earth. Prophet Adam (as) experienced closeness to His Lord through that direct learning. In essence, Allah (swt) was his first teacher and He is the One Who taught and nurtured all His prophets and continues to do so with His believing servants. Our role, combined with the efforts of an effective and enthusiastic teacher, is indispensable in inculcating in our children the comparable knowledge which they need to struggle as conscientious and upright individuals in this world. Again, parents and teachers should impart knowledge in a safe environment and facilitate the necessary channels for the child to voice his opinion and seek further inquiry.

Appendage

In an attempt to provide a practical description of the basic needs of all infants for safe environments and domestic happiness, we will briefly touch on each of the components mentioned in the following hadith (narration). The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation.” The Prophet ﷺ taught us that if we are aware of those four components then the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes increases (narrated by Ibn Hibbaan in his Saheeh).

1. The Righteous Wife

Religion is the comprehensive factor, which provides the moral framework, for all women, through which they can beautify their characters as independent and intelligent human beings and responsible mothers. The righteous wife raises her children to be morally conscientious and instills in them the values, which will help them carry their responsibilities as the future deputies of God. No wonder it was one of the components, which the Prophet brought to our attention and which will contribute to domestic happiness if present in the life of a newborn.

2. A Spacious Dwelling

And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” (Qur’an, 2:35)

Allah (swt) chose paradise as the first home for his first deputy Adam and He chose the essential characteristics that are most befitting for such a dwelling. Similarly, parents should arrange the newborn’s home to encompass those qualities of peace, calm and beauty, which are essential qualities of Paradise.

Abu Huraira reported that Gabriel came to Allah’s Apostle ﷺ and said: “Allah’s Messenger, lo. Khadija is coming to you with a vessel of seasoned food or drink. When she comes to you, offer her greetings from her Lord, the Exalted and Glorious, and on my behalf and give her glad tidings of a palace of jewels in Paradise wherein there is no noise and no toil.” (Muslim)

From the above hadith, we learn that paradise is an abode of peace and serenity where man does not tire or labor. Additionally, in paradise, Angels do not cease to worship their Lord and praise Him. Those Words of Praise were the first utterances that Adam (as) heard and worship was the first action, which his eyes encountered. By analogy, we can say that it befits parents to expose the unborn child to such utterances and to have his eyes encounter worship upon birth; thus, following in the footsteps of his father Adam (as). We also know the importance of supplication for a righteous child through Prophet Zechariah’s prayer (as) to Allah (swt) that He grants him a righteous child. Allah (swt) answered his prayer and granted him Yahya (as), who was born into a world of worship, while hearing his father’s perpetual prayers in the womb.

At that, Zechariah (as) called upon his Lord, saying, “My Lord, grant me from Yourself a good offspring. Indeed, You are the Hearer of supplication.” So the angels called him while he was standing in prayer in the chamber, “Indeed, Allah gives you good tidings of John, confirming a word from Allah and [who will be] honorable, abstaining [from women], and a prophet from among the righteous.”(Qur’an 3:38-39)

Finally, Prophet Adam (as) witnessed the beauty of paradise as a peaceful abode with spacious gardens filled with trees, streams and a gentle breeze. This beauty is a mere reflection of the beauty of the Creator and the deserving reward of the believers. Beautifying our environments is consequently part of our faith so are the blessings of order, tranquility and safety at home. It is the right of the child to feel that his home is his paradise as Prophet Adam (as) experienced this perfect dwelling first-hand. Consequently, the child leaves his home feeling an appreciation for such values and thrives to embrace them in all aspects of his life.

3. The Good Neighbor

Ibn `Umar and `Aishah (ra) reported: Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Jibril kept recommending treating neighbors with kindness until I thought he would assign a share of inheritance.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The Prophet ﷺ mentioned the good neighbor regardless of his faith because of his physical proximity. Neighbors seek help from each other and share joyful and sad moments together. A good neighbor influences our child in immeasurable ways. The child may see in him/her a good role model.

Al Hasan Al Basri (ra) was asked, “Who is a neighbor?” He answered: “Your neighbors are forty houses ahead of you and forty houses to your back, and forty houses to your right and forty houses to your left.” This hadith gives us an impression of how important it is to have a sense of community in our neighborhoods so that a child is nurtured in a compassionate and safe environment, where neighbors interact in unison. The Prophet ﷺ explains that state of unison when he brings forth the example of the strength, which is measured by the unity of the believers. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The example of the believers in their mutual love and mercy is like the example of a body. If one part feels pain, then all of it is affected by sickness and fever.”

Choosing the appropriate neighbourhood, which will give our children a sense of security and belonging, while exposing them to healthy social interactions, will surely enhance their social competence and emotional well-being.

4. A Sound Means of Transportation

A sound means of transportation, through which parents manage daily chores, is another factor which contributes to a family’s level of happiness and comfort. Each child has educational, physical and medical needs, and Allah (swt) has subjected transportation as a means to fulfill those needs. The concept of transportation today is not limited to the physical movement through the car or the plane but also refers to the journey which each child experiences through educational tools such as books, social media and the internet. Transportation whether through physical movement or an educational journey is an important tool in cultivating the child and exposing him to the reality of the world. Only after he is able to move freely will the child be able to internalize the nature of this life, understand its reality and grow up to fulfill his role as God’s deputy.

Allah (swt) brought Adam (as) into this world only after He taught him the names. “He taught Adam the names” so that he does not succumb to the fears associated with ignorance and He equipped him with the weapon of knowledge so that Adam (as) may make the world a better place. The freedom of physical and intellectual exploration, under the parents’ supervision, exposes the child to the beneficial knowledge, which he needs to understand his own world and consequently assign things around him their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important nor venerating what is worthless.

By Tasniya Sultana

Disclaimer: This is my vision and opinions about the current education system from my experiences and observations. I respect and admire all teachers and administrators who tirelessly work to provide the best form of education for their students. Having said that, I believe in a different approach to Islamic education and this article outlines my vision.

Recently, I read an article on virtualmosque.com entitled “A Second Look at Islamic Schools” by Lobna Mulla. A lot of her points and thoughts resonated with me as I read through the article. It is sad that many people have a negative perception when it comes to Islamic Schools and Islamic Education. I must admit that I am one of those people as well.

Growing up in a strict Islamic household and having many poor experiences as a student and teacher at Sunday and Islamic schools, I had lost my faith in Islamic schools and Islamic education at one point. I vented to my husband and friends that when I have kids, I would rather send them to a public school than an Islamic school.

But I took a step back and I realized that running away from Islamic education and schools is not the solution. Seeing such low attendance and participation in mosques and Islamic schools concerns me. It shows that more and more youth and Muslim families are choosing to stay away from Islamic education. Instead, they are choosing to go to public schools, which are not the best alternative either, having been there myself.

Therefore, we need to change our perception of Islamic education. As Sister Mulla stated in her article, Islamic schools have taken steps to make themselves more appealing and competitive. One of the steps she listed in her article is that many Islamic schools are run by principals and teachers who have proper education degrees and certifications. They also have extensive evaluation processes so that the schools are accredited by the respective states. This shows us that Islamic schools are trying to raise the bar and they are striving to get proper accreditation and standards for their schools.

While I agree that there has been a shift in Islamic schools to hire teachers and administrators who are qualified, it is simply not enough. There needs to be a change in the way we approach and teach Islamic education to our children. Traditional education systems offer workbooks, textbooks, and worksheets to teach various concepts like math, science, history, and language. There is very minimal hands-on experience for the child. From my personal experience, I have also observed that Islamic schools adapted this methodology of teaching Islamic studies to children through the use of books and worksheets.

Sadly, I cannot agree with this system. I believe that there should be a more hands-on approach to education. We should provide concrete materials and experiences for the children in the classroom so that they are excited and passionate about learning both secular subjects and Islamic subjects.  And that is where my dream comes into play. Insha’Allah (God willing), I want to change the landscape of Islamic education. I want people to have positive associations with Islamic schools and education in general. And for that, I truly believe that Montessori Education will be a good synergy with Islamic Education.

To give some background about Montessori Education, it is a system that was founded by Maria Montessori. Her vision was to provide an education system that is set according to the child’s pace. She observed children for many years in different countries and through her observations, she had many revelations about education.

For one, a Montessori classroom looks very different from a traditional classroom. There are no grades in a Montessori school. Rather, the students are grouped according to age levels: The toddler classroom has children from 0 to 3 years of age, the primary classrooms have student from ages 3 to 6, and the elementary classrooms have children from 6 to 12.

In addition, the teacher gives lessons in small groups or individually rather than giving the lessons to a large group in front of the classroom. The children are allowed to choose their own work everyday, and the teacher does not give a lesson to a child until he or she is ready to have that lesson. To learn more about Montessori education and how it is different from traditional education, please visit the YouTube link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcgN0lEh5IA&feature=youtu.be

Currently, I am doing my masters in Elementary Montessori Education at Washington Montessori Institute at Loyola University, Maryland. The more I learn about the Montessori theories and principles, the more I am convinced that Montessori education is compatible with Islamic studies. Lessons such as wudu (ritual washing), wearing a hijab, prayers, and hifdh (memorization) can be incorporated using the Montessori principles. Thus, my goal and vision is to create an Islamic Montessori school from the toddler program to the elementary program that will incorporate Islamic studies using the Montessori methods.

To give an example of how that will work, I will lay out some of my ideas below. For example, in many Islamic schools and Sunday schools, the topic of wudu is taught in a very intellectual manner. Often times, we go over a book on wudu and use flashcards to teach the children about the process. Once in a while we allow them to go to the bathroom to practice wudu but the sinks are not accustomed to accommodating wudu for the children. They struggle to do wudu because they can’t reach the tap or the sink or they can’t put their feet up on the sink in order to wash.

Therefore, one of my goals is to have wudu stations in the classroom for the child. We will use buckets, pitchers, and basin to do wudu in the classroom. The best thing about a primary Montessori classroom is that there is a huge emphasis on doing activities that are practical to a child’s life. For example, in Montessori education, the teachers give lessons on how to wash the table, wash their hands, brush their teeth, clean the dishes, mop the floor, and many more practical life activities! The children enjoy these activities because they see their parents doing these activities at home and they have a need to imitate them. But do not freak out because the Montessori classroom also does math, science, and reading as well!

But the most beautiful thing is that Montessori classroom allows for the child to experience and practice the practical aspects of their lives. And for a Muslim child, doing wudu and learning prayers is a practical part of life. So why not incorporate that into the classroom as a lesson and an activity that the child will enjoy?

This is one of the many ideas I have for my Islamic Montessori School. As Sister Mulla reiterated in her article, there is a huge shift to set the bar high for Islamic education in America. And I believe that my goal and vision for my Islamic Montessori School can add to raising Islamic schools from sub-standard education to highly sought-out education by the Muslim ummah (community) Insha’Allah.

This article is a  response to the letter “From the Youth” that was previously published on this site.

Dear H.M.,

You spoke from your heart, and it reached ours. Your voice is needed, desperately. We need to hear your thoughts; we will always recognise your voice—keep using it. Keep your heart open a little longer, for this is a dialogue: we need to speak to each other.

We never imagined it would be this hard for you, or for us. At your birth, we photo-shopped our minds: erased historical prejudices, airbrushed away cultural biases and brightened the picture, sharpened the faith-filled focus and patched together the best environment we could to receive and nurture you. We never expected that you would have to deal with this much, beyond your and our control.

You are never far. Your ‘being’, your challenges, your hurdles, your triumphs, the hope in your eyes are always at the front of our minds.

Yes, you are the pulse of our hearts. Without you though, we do exist. We are individuals with the same fire, passions, doubts and insecurities as you have; we have just learnt to live with them. You are a part of us, but not a reflection of us; just as we are not reflected in you – entirely. Yes, we share a symbiotic relationship; we have ties that transcend all, a bond that defies words and logic. But do not make the mistake of thinking our efforts are reflected in you anymore than a farmer who has toiled and sweat over his seedlings has any control over a storm that sweeps away all the blossoms he nurtured painstakingly. The result does not reflect the effort. On this journey of nurturing you, we have come to know, and then believe, that our efforts—flawed and patchy though they may be—are not the whole picture. We toil together, and we pray earnestly for your success, and yes, together that defines the future.

Seek us, hear us, friend us.

Your digital world is one we have held the hand of from its inception. Year by year, we walked with each new stage, stepping up to the next feature, exchanging our pen, paper and payphone world for the keyboard. So, while we may have tired from chasing and subscribing to every new platform, it is not because we can’t understand, but because we have made choices. Choices. We make choices to stay in control of our lives. All our admonitions, clashes and unwanted advice are because we want you to have the freedom of choice over the most valuable asset you have: your time. We understand technology, and we also understand enslavement. Sincere advice: break free. Look into the eyes of those close to you, walk with them beside a real sunset: face their face. We are here to help you, but we can’t do it alone. You have to want to live beyond the screen.

We are home too. Born on this soil, the same as you, we have muddled along with labels: native, foreign, country of origin, motherland – bewildered and lost. We too have walked a similar path to yours, step by step. A path lined with an aching desire to belong somewhere completely, walking this way and that, and finding we belong neither here, nor over there – our parents’ country. We had to make this our home. Ever since you have appeared, we have been working brick by brick, value by value, dialogue after dialogue to make this, here, now, a comfortable home for your identity. We have made mistakes. We have inherited other mistakes. At times we have had our ‘home-making’ efforts thwarted by those who want to see discord and divisions. But, between the earth under our feet and the skies above, we have tried and continue to try to be at home, with you here. Even though there are days when the heart aches and calls out: ‘where is home? I want to go home…’ Maybe we have fallen into the ‘gap’; neither belonging to the minaret skyline of our parents, nor feeling accepted in the urban jungles we survive in. Four decades to think over this has taught us a valuable lesson: that we truly are travellers, resting in the shade for a while. Transient. We want you to find comfort, acceptance, and joy, and to contribute to the land you are born in. It is a work in progress, for all of us…

There is no blame, no shame in learning to love Islam. Your honesty is what matters. It is from honesty with your nafs (self), that the love will grow from within. From the outside you are bombarded by all the messages of what Islam is not. We could only protect you from this to a point. If we could quiet the cacophony we would. Search from the inside, and you will find faith in the faith that will bring you peace.

We have faith in you. You are part of this planet’s future, a better future. Walk your own path as we did. When you fall, as we did, take responsibility for it. Privilege and responsibility go hand in hand. If we are your roots, then do not sever us. Many people will cross your path and tug you this way and that. As your stem is pulled, deep below, you do not see the indescribable pain we feel, fearing a severance. Standing firm is staying grounded. We will anchor you.

We do not see our paths as growing apart, rather, we rejoice in the novel, superior paths some of you are showing us. We are proud of those paths built by gems who have risen above the clamour and created highways to bridge the chasms…and gaps.

Do not be confined by a gap. Come out into the meadow and flourish.

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Ameena with a baby carriage.” Sound familiar? I’m sure more and more of you can relate than ever before. Every woman who becomes pregnant is at a 15-20% risk of having a miscarriage in the first 7 weeks.

In the Pakistani community, it is almost tradition for random relatives to approach the bride the day of the Walima and begin planning her baby shower. Giggles and cheers can be heard from the “aunties table.” I remember most of the clothes I received always had room to grow. This set the bar pretty high and I knew exactly what was expected of me.

My husband and I had different plans. We wanted to enjoy our time as newlyweds and were in no rush to start a family. A year and a half into our marriage, I became pregnant. It was the most magical time ever. I had morning sickness, which progressed to afternoon and evening sickness pretty quickly. We impatiently waited for our first ultrasound. As I laid on the table waiting to hear a heartbeat, my heart sank. The doctor had this blank look on her face and my heart sank even further. She informed us that I had miscarried at 7.5 weeks and told us of our options. At that very moment I felt regret. I began to blame myself in every way I knew. If only I didn’t travel. I should have rested more. I should have done this, and I shouldn’t have done that. And the excuses began to roll around in my head.

Before I knew it, we had been married for 5 years and I had 6 miscarriages under my belt. You would think that with every heartbreak, experiencing the same pain over and over again, it would become easier… but it didn’t. Each D&C (the surgical procedure carried out after a first-trimester miscarriage) left its scars of weakness and pain. I was left feeling empty and a failure. What sort of a woman can’t have children? It must be my fault. I’ve failed at life. That was when the depression kicked in.

I began turning to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). I considered myself a ‘moderate’ Muslim. I tried my best to perform the five daily prayers, I wore hijab (the head scarf), and tried to have good character. I was determined to better my relationship with Allah (swt). After all, it was only He who could grant me anything in this life. He could just say, ”Be” and it would. I begged Allah with everything I had to say, “Be.”

My husband and I started throwing around the idea of adoption. We discussed it with family and were told to remain patient and that Allah (swt) would bless us with a pious offspring and that this was just a part of our test. You know how everyone has something… right? The difference was, I knew in my heart that Allah (swt) was pushing me towards something greater. I was convinced that I was going to be a mother and that my child would go on to do amazing things.

A few months later, my mother-in-law was on a trip to Pakistan. While visiting her sister, she heard of a woman who worked at the house of someone they knew. She was expecting her next child. They discussed how hard it must be for her struggling with 6 kids and working during her third trimester. A few days later, the woman gave birth to a girl. The relative of this woman had taken the child and given it to a brothel. (Are you just as shocked as I was?) The mother pleaded to her employer, stating she did not want to keep the baby, but wanted her to go to a good family, who in turn discussed it with my in-laws. Soon everyone became involved. Long story short, the baby was rescued and taken home.

We received a phone call from my mother-in-law very early in the morning saying she had seen a baby and fallen in love. She asked us if we wanted to be the parents. Now when I think about it, I must have asked her to repeat herself over and over. As I held the phone dazed and confused, I heard the smallest, sweetest, cutest, most adorable cries. They were literally music to my ears. Without a thought or care in the world, we agreed! We were officially parents. AlhamduliLlah (praise be to God).

We started filling out paperwork and having our home study for the adoption done. After all, we wanted to bring our princess home. I quickly began researching ways to nurse the baby. I knew I had to; I felt she deserved that much. I also wanted to make sure we weren’t faced with mahram issues. When a woman becomes the child’s rida`a mother (milk- or breastfeeding-mother), everything concerning blood mahrams applies here: rida`a father/mother, rida`a sister/brother, rida`a aunt/uncle, and so on. In English, these can be translated to “milk-brother,” “milk-mother,” and so on. I was on hormones and pumping around the clock.

About two months after the amazing news, my husband and I traveled to Pakistan to finally meet our princess. I will never forget the drive home from the airport. Every single breath had led me to her. Every tear had paved a road to meet her. Every time I felt like less of a woman, Allah’s plan was in motion. Finally, He had said, “Be!” and there we were. I walked into the room where my mother-in-law sat holding her granddaughter. She had been caring for her for the past two months. (May Allah (swt) grant her the highest level of Jannah [paradise] for her unconditional love and support. Ameen.) I sat next to her, and she handed her to me and softly uttered the words, “Meet your mommy.” It sent chills down my spine. I sat staring at her and tears began to roll. My entire life had suddenly fallen into place. I passed her to my husband and he began to cry. His tiny princess had finally arrived. We named her Sara.

I picked up on motherhood very quickly. I was doing fine with little or no sleep and I had a good, steady milk supply. I also soon learned that she wasn’t very fond of sleep. I spent many nights walking with her up and down the hall soothing her tiny tummy. Two weeks after, my husband had to get back to work and left. My mother-in-law left, too. I was in Pakistan with Sara and a huge extended family consisting of in-laws and relatives with whom I had been out of touch for 20+ years. I was scrutinized for not being content with Allah’s will. I felt as though I had to prove to them that I was worthy of motherhood. There are many struggles a new mother comes across and it’s okay to ask for help, but that was not the case for me. For me, asking for help felt like defeat. I felt like it was Sara and me against them.

Along this path there have also been many relatives who have encouraged and supported my decision. They offered a shoulder to cry on and advice. May Allah (swt) reward them with His infinite Mercy. I was always pretending to be okay, even though I was beginning to break without my husband there. The heat and power outages didn’t help either. The political situation in Pakistan over the last few years had really taken a toll on everyone residing there. I wasn’t allowed to drive. I also wasn’t allowed to leave without someone to accompany me. I craved the independence I grew up with. I dreamt of just driving away with Sara in the backseat. Months passed as I waited to hear news of soon being able to take Sara home.

The long periods of time apart began to break down the relationship between me and my husband. He was living alone, craving family, and I was living with too many people, craving silence and peace. Soon, the phone calls became shorter and shorter. It became less and less about missing one another and more about our case. Eventually, the calls turned into brief messages.

Finally, after 8 months of living in Pakistan without my husband or immediate family, we got an appointment with the U.S. Embassy. My husband came and we were convinced he would take us home with him. This was the first time we were together since he had left. I felt distanced. We didn’t just pick up where we had left off. The physical miles between us had become emotional. It wasn’t about love, because that was unconditional. We knew things would go back to normal soon after being able to take Sara home.

At our interview we were told they would review our case and keep us updated. My husband left and once again, I was alone. The depression that had consumed me just a little while back crept in and began to fill my heart again. Why did I have to choose between my husband and Sara?

I spent the next 6 months trying to keep it together. One day my husband called with the news that our case had been denied. Sara would not be able to get a visa to come to the U.S. This was heart-breaking. My husband and I had spent our entire lives in America. Everyone and everything familiar was there. We felt as though we had been kicked out of our own country for attempting to give a child a better life. We were confused and upset. Our relatives didn’t waste much time before they started pointing fingers again. To them, it was my fault for pushing this decision upon my husband. I began having anxiety and the blame game started. Some suggested we leave Sara and adopt another who would qualify for a visa. I was outraged! Why was this an option? I had battle wounds just like any other mother. Why does biology take importance over motherhood?

A few months passed before my husband could wrap up what was left of our lives in America and move to Pakistan. Right after Sara’s second birthday we were reunited as a family. Everything felt new. My husband and I spent a lot of time learning to be together, learning to give and take, learning our likes and dislikes. We both had experienced the hardest time in our lives and there was nothing either of us could do to help the other. It has been a work in progress. AlhamduliLah. We got our own place and began to build our family unit. I finally unpacked our things after having lived out of a suitcase for the last 2 years. I finally had drawers and a place to hang my clothes. It’s amazing how much ‘stuff’ we think we need. It definitely puts this dunya (world) in perspective.

Allah (swt) had brought us together, but we had no income. My husband had a few business ventures that were unsuccessful. Again, the anxiety surfaced. We felt like we had been torn from our ‘first’-world country and thrown into this ‘third’-world country, where nothing seemed to make sense or work. I prayed for everything to calm down. I prayed for Allah (swt) to bestow His Mercy upon our lives. I prayed for the best of the world and the hereafter. I prayed for Allah (swt) to open the doors of rizq (providence). Subhan’Allah (glory to God), He is the Best of Planners.

As of two months ago, we are officially a family and UAE residents. We now have a place we can call home. Sara is 3.5 years old and masha’Allah (what God wills), she is the light of our lives. She has this way about her, this twinkle in her eyes, this way that she lights up a room, this magic that only she knows. Subhan’Allah, only He creates such miracles. The depression still manages to surface now and then when I least expect it. I guess at this point I have learned to deal with my abandonment issues in a healthier way. There are countless lessons I’ve learned from the last few years. It’s amazing how sometimes the people we least expect sneak into our hearts and become family. Blood does not define kinship. Nothing lasts forever, neither the good, nor the bad. Every heartbreak, every bump in the road, every single tear is not wasted. Allah is As-Sami`—the All-Hearing. He is Al-Basir—the All-Seeing.

Photo: Morgan Stewart

There come those rare moments when, out of nowhere, and when we least expect it, something truly magical happens. Perhaps some of us are too wrapped up in the demands of our daily lives to actually notice those moments. But one way or another, whether we want to admit it or not, we all catch glimpses of dreams coming true, whether they are fairytale wedding nights or surprise birthday parties, a baby’s first step or a child’s heartwarming smile. They can even be as simple as a hug from the right person at the right time, or as grandiose as a moment of success under the spotlight. They can be moments of genuine appreciation from our loved ones, a kiss that melts souls and weakens knees, first days of school, rose-colored graduations, or a thought or an idea that boosts our minds and hearts with hope and energy, or the experience of true submission under the sparkling light of faith.

I was one of the lucky few to see and feel a truly magical moment. Here I am placing it lovingly in my cherished box of beautiful memories; the magical moment when my son became a part of our family and we were able to enjoy him for one whole hour.

When it happened, my daughter and I froze in place, mesmerized by the beauty of this unity. For 60 blessed minutes, each second was worth a lifetime of happiness. My son, who had been living with us for eleven years, blended with us that night. For the first time in a very long time we were finally a family.

I was able to answer his smart questions. I was able to cuddle with him and his sister on our couch and watch a movie. It was a new movie he had never seen before and yet he did not act up. He did not bang his head against the wall and he did not punch me in the face when I looked at him. He did not slap his sister or try to break the TV. He did none of that. He laughed and joked and told us how much he loves us. He walked to his room all by himself and fetched his blue blanket. All by himself he came back with messy hair and a big adorable grin that shined bright like a full moon on our lives. We were there to see it and feel it. We were there to enjoy that blessing that night. Although it might sound so simple and so normal, to me, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life: My eleven-year-old son was behaving like an eleven year old for the very first time.

There were no extra doses of medication or midnight calls to doctors. There were no fears of seizures, panic attacks or excessive drooling from excitement. I did not have to wonder how I would be able to manage tomorrow and how I was able to survive yesterday. I did not have to apologize to people around me and explain his condition to his sister over and over again. I did not have to hold back my tears. I did not have to shield everyone with my body from his sudden blows. Only then did I realize that something ‘not happening’ was the greatest, most amazing blessing of all.

The pleasant, normal side of my son was given to me as a gift that night. For one whole hour he sat and talked to us like a young man and then fell asleep on my lap like an innocent little baby. Just like that. As I saw the look on his sister’s face, absorbed her smile and her serene feeling of long lost security, I watched her fall asleep peacefully without fearing that her own brother was in the same room. My heart sang a beautiful lullaby that night that I had never heard before. I sat alone with both my children asleep in my arms, wishing I could hit the pause button and make this rare, magical moment last forever. The whole world smiled back at me as I basked in my newfound happiness.

For a brief moment, I was able to experience an occurrence of normal daily life. I did not think, not even in my wildest dreams, that something so simple could feel so glorious and fulfilling. Even when I knew deep down that come morning I would have to return my ordinary special gift, it was worth every magical second.

If only we could stop running just for a little bit. If only we could stop and appreciate those rare, ordinary moments that make our lives so extraordinary. If only we could stop chasing the unknown and take the time to absorb the beauty we hardly notice anymore: the sparkles in loving eyes, the moments of true understanding, the masterpieces made from cereal boxes and play dough, and the life-changing art drawn by little messy hands. If only we could allow those rare, cherished moments to invade our busy, empty lives for a little while, perhaps that is when our dreams will shine brightly in the night and we will finally realize that happiness is lined with appreciating the simple things in life that are ever so great.

Thank you, Allah Almighty, for allowing me to see what ordinary means. It is truly and magnificently extraordinary.

To some Muslims, the words “Islamic school” immediately conjure negative connotations: backwards mentality, lower standards of education, strict supervision, unprofessional attitude, and so on. In fact, even supporters of Islamic schools for younger children would shun the idea of sending a middle-schooler or even a high-schooler to an Islamic school, saying, “I want to expose my child to the real world.” This article is written in response to the aforementioned points.

Offering “Real World” Experience in an Islamic Environment

There is a misconception that sending your child to an Islamic school completely alienates them from the rest of society. In reality, Islamic schools function just as public schools do, but offer the safety and comfort to children that is much-needed during their formative years. What part of sending our children to an Islamic school takes them out of the “real world?” Could it be our own subconscious feelings of inferiority that cause us to feel this way?

Shedding the “Mom and Pop” Image

Many critics of Islamic schools are locked in a time warp when most schools were run as family businesses.  Today, not only are many schools run by credentialed principals and administrators, but they also only hire credentialed teachers. In addition, many schools undergo a grueling evaluation process to become nationally accredited, eliminating the potential for sub-standard educational practices. The bar has been raised years ago to meet the community’s expectations and demands for quality education as well as a healthy, spiritual environment.

Developing a Positive Identity

In a book titled, “The Worried Child,” author Paul Foxman, PhD, addresses the issue of a lack of a religious/ethnic identity as a source of anxiety in children (p 94). The author also mentions that children who belong to a religious minority can feel “out of place, misunderstood, or even ostracized by their peers” when there are few or no other children of their religion in the same school. While some public schools have a sizable Muslim population, students may still feel the overwhelming effects of being in the minority. Foxman’s statement points to a positive aspect of sending our children to Islamic schools. There is a clear contribution to the positive development of a child when they have a strong sense of belonging. In addition, another study on identity and mental health states that belonging to and understanding one’s identity promotes an overall sense of well-being (see Erikson, 1968; Marcia, 1966).

Although understanding and feeling comfortable with one’s identity can be accomplished outside of an Islamic school, sending one’s child to an Islamic school can establish these feelings as part of a holistic approach. While children learn about Qur’an, its language, and the history of Islam, children also get to partake in Muslim celebrations and understand special events en masse, as part of a larger group. In this way, the child who attends an Islamic school will tend to develop positive self-esteem in a natural setting–one that does not seem forced or artificial.

Providing a Healthier Environment

Oftentimes, parents feel that by fifth or sixth grade, their children have received enough education in a Muslim environment, and so they want to send them to a public school, specifically to adapt to the “real world.” While Islamic schools do not shield children from the negative aspects of popular culture, there is a clear difference in the overall environment one’s child remains in for eight hours of school every day.

Those of us who attended public middle and high schools growing up can attest to the strong culture of dating, peer pressure to drink, to try drugs, to attend Homecoming and Prom, and so on. Despite being one of two Muslims in the entire school, I had an overall positive school experience. Nevertheless, the choice to constantly reject all the above was, at times, overwhelming.

To prepare our children for college and the workforce, we feel the need to ensure that our children interact with the “outside world” for experience. However, the years from middle school to high school feature the greatest hormonal changes. Being surrounded by scantily-clad students and couples of all types in extremely intimate situations is a very common, everyday occurrence in public high schools.

Increasing Pressures in a Sexualized World

Here’s something to consider: why knowingly provide an environment where a teenager is inundated with such temptations, if a viable Islamic school is a feasible option? With the popularity of Facebook and the ease of creating an online alter-ego, and the increasing pressure to have sex, to question one’s sexual identity, coupled with a teenager’s increasing hormonal changes, why not alleviate this pressure by sending your child to an institution that encourages and teaches the complete opposite?

While some may say, “well, get used to it,” let us instead realize that the middle and high school years are as intense as no other period in a student’s life. College campuses do have similar issues, but not to the same extent as in high school.  In addition, peer pressure is more avoidable in college, as students have a wealth of peers to choose from and class schedules are varied and staggered. Furthermore, in terms of their development, many students are more mature in college than in their earlier teenage years.

The Prophetic Example

Finally, let us look at the example of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) on this last point.  Amina, Prophet Muhammad’s mother, made the effort to send her son to be raised in the desert, where the environment was more pure. Times have changed, but the idea of sending our children to a successful Islamic school to protect them should still be seen as positive and not negative.

Once during the Prophet’s youth, he had wanted to attend a wedding in Mecca with some other boys to see what such a festivity would be like. Just outside the place, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ could hear music and dancing. Before he entered, he suddenly felt tired and decided to sit. He fell asleep and did not wake up until the next morning. If there were any person who should keep up-to-date with what is going on in society, so that he may know how to give da`wah (to invite others to the path of Allah) or so that he could understand his people, it would be Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. Yet, Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exhalted is He) chose to prevent him from attending this event for his own protection.

Conclusion

After all is said, it is time to shed our old views on Islamic schools and take a fresh look at what they have to offer. As a mother of four children who went to four different Islamic schools since 2005 (the change of schools being due to moving), it is my experience that these schools provide quality education within a safe, moral environment. Are Islamic schools perfect? No, but do the benefits far outweigh the negatives, contributing to an overall positive, spiritual and educational experience? Yes.