Question:

I am a 30 year old Muslim woman who lives with my family. Alhamdulilah (praise be to God) I have a loving and wonderful home, but I am ready to move out and live independently. I am looking for an apartment to rent on my own. The problem is, my father would never let me, and if I go against his wishes, he threatens to never talk to me again. He says women should live at home until marriage. I am a practicing Muslim who has always obeyed my parents and I have tried my best to make them proud of me. I don’t have any marriage prospects and I can’t keep waiting for the unknown. I need to live my life independently and start a new phase in my life. I would greatly appreciate some advice.

Answer:

It sounds like you are struggling to establish some independence from your parents. You are trying to balance your needs with your parents’ preferences..  Seeking independence from parents is a normal developmental process that everyone goes through.  For some people,  cultural norms dictate that women only move out of their family home once they get married. However, many women, such as yourself, may not be getting married as quickly as parents had hoped, and in the meantime are focusing on their career goals and living happily as a single adult.

Your parents’ concern stems from a place of love and protection. They are having difficulty with letting go and allowing you to make your own choices.  You will need to share with your parents your personal goals and assure them that you can financially support yourself.  You will also need to reassure them that you care for them and appreciate their love and support and now you are able to take care of yourself and live on your own.  Choosing to live in a safe place will be a priority, and setting up boundaries with your parents of when and how often you will visit them will help them accept the reality of you living on your own.  It will be a difficult transition for your parents, but with open communication and reassurance that you are ready to take responsibility for your life, insha’Allah (God-willing) they will respect your choices, even if they disagree with them.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Aside from these three, 108 unique individuals in the month of July have reached out to me on issues ranging from depression, anxiety, suicidal tendency, domestic violence, alcohol and drug addiction, sexual orientation, dealing with mental health disorders, marital issues, issues with parents, relationship issues, theological issues, and much more. They have corresponded in the form of emails, phone calls, and in-person meetings. These people are mostly from the NYC area, a good number from different parts of the United States, and the smallest demographic is from outside of the country. They are both male and female, diverse in age, ethnicity and socioeconomic background. All are looking for someone to talk to—most are finding a hard time in doing so.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with anyone seeing a counselor. I actually think it’s an important thing to have someone to talk to. The difficulty for the Muslim community is two-fold. Primarily, it’s hard for us at times to get the motivation and comfort needed to go seek a counselor and, secondly, in the instances that we do, it’s hard to find someone who actually understands what we are going through.

It’s not very common to find Muslims comfortable with the idea of speaking about what they have or are going through. Some think it somehow displays weakness of faith and is a form of questioning God, others come from cultures that don’t appreciate or encourage seeking out such help. Many think it’s wrong to “reveal sins” whether it be their own or those of others. Most have been in a place where when they have attempted to speak to someone about it, their attempts have immediately been shot down and it takes a long time before they can speak about it again or, unfortunately, they just don’t speak about it ever again.

In the instances where one actually does find someone to speak with, they run into a few different types of people:

• An individual who is not trained to provide them the support that they need, but still attempts to do so
• An individual who does have training and/or experience to provide the support that is being sought out, but doesn’t understand the diversity of Muslim experience, or anything about Muslim identity
• An individual who is not trained to provide them the support that they need, recognizes this and refers them to someone who is
• An individual who does have training and/or experience to provide the support that is being sought and, and does understand the diversity of Muslim experience and Muslim identity

Most will find themselves in a place where they meet someone from one of the first two categories and get discouraged with the process. Our goal should be to enable and empower more people who are in categories three and four so that we can ensure proper care and attention to those who need it. Why should we do this? Because there is a lot of unreconciled pain in many hearts out there and it’s not justifiable that we allow for that to continue. The number of tears that I have seen shed in front of me and the amount of frustration and anxiety that has been let out afterwards tells me that the Muslim community is not a happy community, and that’s in large part due to the fact that we are not healthy. It’s unjustifiable that I stand in a comfortable place while I am fully aware that the person sitting next to me is uncomfortable or struggling on the inside.

I don’t think the solution is simply in having more imams that are American-born, because that alone doesn’t mean that they will have the training or experience to counsel someone. A young man came to see me with his female cousin who was walking in the hallway of her high school one day in between classes when a boy grabbed her, pulled her into a stairwell, and raped her. This young woman worked up the courage to tell her parents, who, not knowing where else to go, then took her to their local mosque, where she was told by the imam that she deserved what happened to her because she goes to a mixed-gender school and doesn’t dress properly. Aside from recognizing the stupidity of this statement, why is this person even in a place where he would be dealing with circumstances like this? And what do we think it did to the young woman? She will take what this man has said as being what Islam says, which is not the case, and more importantly then that, she is going to hurt even more on the inside then when she had first come in.

Education is key, and training current religious leaders as well as mental health professionals, whether they are Muslim or not, on issues relevant to the Muslim community is essential. The stereotype that paints the Muslim community as monolithic is most problematic here because it keeps us from being in touch with how diversity plays a role in proper counseling. Not all Muslims are the same and dealing with them means understanding that one will be different from the next, even though they adhere to the same faith.

Despite this, there are many out there who are trained, attuned to the realities that Muslims are facing, and are great resources. If you find yourself in a place where there is something that you need closure on and feel like talking about, whether you are going through it now or went through it a long time ago, don’t let yourself think you have to go through it alone. It is not a weakness of faith to seek support from the people around you. The companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, sought support from him in this manner all of the time. Young and old, male and female, Arab and non-Arab all spoke to him about things that they had going on inside and he listened. He heard them out, helped them to make critical sense of it and set out on a path to reach their potential best. People who had addictions, bereavement issues, relationship issues, mental health issues, victims of domestic violence, people who had to deal with the realities that race, ethnicity, gender, and privilege all brought, and many others came to speak to him about what was going on in their respective lives, and he listened. He also turned to those around him at times when he needed counsel and advice. If we require religious legitimacy to seek support when we need it, undoubtedly Islam tells us we are allowed to and that we should.

You don’t have to speak to just anyone. Find someone you are comfortable with and will hear you out before simply telling you what you should do. Not every religious scholar will be able to play this role, nor should they be expected to be. It’s not a shortcoming on their part by any means. Professional help in the form a psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker is also important and should not be looked at as a bad thing. Just like a doctor is there to help us be be physically well, these individuals are there to help us be emotionally well, which in turn has the potential of aiding in our spiritual growth.

For those of you who are not in a place where you need this kind of help, be mindful that there are those who do. If you are speaking to an audience, understand that audience has many people in it that have lived lives that may not have had the best of experiences. Not everyone has good parents, not everyone has Muslims in their families, not everything is a test from God, forgiveness is not always the easiest thing to do, and it is not a weakness of faith to try to understand why you have gone through what you have gone through.

This has gotten somewhat long but I have more thoughts on it and will probably write on it again before the month is over.

Question:

My wife and I are newly married, and I feel she is always angry with me.  During the planning of the wedding, I thought her moodiness was due to the stress of the wedding. However, her frustration has continued into our marriage. The smallest of things that I say or do, which in my mind appear to be innocent enough, make her angry to the point that she refuses to speak to me. For example, if she calls me while I’m at work and I don’t respond immediately, she gets angry.  If we don’t spend enough time together, she gets angry.  If I don’t wash the dishes the right way, she gets angry.  I try to explain to her that I am just busy and not trying to offend her or upset her. She even refuses to acknowledge that I don’t get angry with her when she does the same things to me.  I have tried to talk to family and friends for help, and everyone advises me to just give her space when she gets angry. I love my wife and want her to be happy, but I am at a loss of what to do to make our relationship better. Please help.

Answer:

It sounds like you and your wife are having problems connecting.  The expression of anger in a marriage can be very hurtful. With each expression, there is damage to the emotional safety between the spouses, leading to distance, loneliness, resentment and anxiety. Your wife’s anger may be stemming from a desire to be closer to you emotionally. When she feels “rejected” by you, she responds with anger to protect herself from feelings of vulnerability.  This type of dynamic is common in newly married couples who have yet to understand the emotional needs of each spouse.  While men often seek closeness through physical intimacy, women tend to seek it through emotional intimacy. Your wife probably feels lonely and is seeking emotional closeness and safety with you. Her expressions of anger are an undeveloped way for her to express her needs and frustration.  Only through the process of growing interpersonally will you both be able to express yourselves in a healthier way.

Having your wife angry with you all the time is difficult for you to comprehend and probably brings up feelings of helplessness and fear of the future of your marriage.  When she is angry with you, your initial response is probably to try and fix it or defend yourself, but ultimately neither response invites more intimacy.  Instead, see the conflictual moment as an opportunity to connect to your wife. So during those angry moments, do something completely “unnatural” — turn to her and truly listen to what she is expressing to you.

For example, you just got home from a long day at work, and you’re stressed and exhausted.  Your wife shows you that she made your favorite meal for dinner. You respond by telling her that you just want to go upstairs and change and will eat after. She explodes with anger. You feel bewildered. What do you do now?

You are going to do something “unnatural” – walk up to her, take her hand, and look into her eyes and have the following conversation:.

Husband: “Honey, I love you and feel so loved that you made my favorite meal.  I can see you are feeling frustrated, please share with me what is bothering you.”

Resolve to listen to whatever she tells you.  Your challenge is to listen to her and truly hear what she is expressing.  You don’t need to defend yourself, explain yourself, attack her, or walk away angry.  You just need to maintain eye contact and find the feelings behind what she is saying.

Wife: “You don’t appreciate anything I do for you. I try and do something nice and you don’t even care!”

Husband: “Ok, I can see why you are frustrated. Tell me more about how you are feeling.”

Wife: “I’m angry that you don’t appreciate when I do something nice for you. It makes me not want to cook for you next time.”

Husband: “Ok, I can see that – you don’t feel appreciated,  you have had a tiring day too and you just wanted to spend time with me when I got home. Is that it?”

Wife: “Yes, that’s it.”

Husband: “Honey, I understand now.  I am sorry for not expressing to you how much I appreciate what you do for me. I have been looking forward to seeing you all day.” 

Wife: “Aww..you did?  That’s really sweet.   I’m sorry for getting angry so quickly and I really just want to have a nice dinner with you and just catch up on our day.”

Husband: “Thank you for telling me how you are feeling.I appreciate your openness.” How about I quickly go upstairs and wash up so that we can talk about our day over the lovely meal you’ve prepared for us?

A dialogue of repair will do wonders for your relationship! When your wife feels that you understand her feelings, she will automatically grow closer to you emotionally while reducing the tension.  This is how emotional connection is built in a marital relationship. Even when you don’t want to “deal with a conflict,” you do it for the sake of your relationship.

This type of intimate connection can be challenging and this is why seeking a professional counselor for support is necessary.  A counselor will help the couple feel safe to express their feelings and teach them how to truly listen to one another. If a spouse is constantly unhappy, they also may need a professional assessment for the possibility of depression.  This may require a spouse to take medication for depression to alleviate the symptoms and help the spouse regain hope in the marriage. Repairing the hurt and anger in a marriage is possible if both spouses are willing to work on their communication skills and seek to build emotional intimacy.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

A sheikh recently visited our community, blowing us away with narrations of the Prophet’s ﷺ life. One thing that stood out however, was the fact that after he would give his talks, he would wait around for people to come ask him questions. He would stop and counsel anyone who needed it until we were fully satisfied before getting up to leave. A brother pointed this out to him asking why, and the sheikh responded with another gem to bring us closer to the beloved Prophet ﷺ. He said that this part – the one-on-one time – was one of the most important parts of bringing people closer to Islam, because our beloved Prophet ﷺ was not just a preacher; he was a counselor as well.

Looking at the way the Prophet ﷺ dealt with each individual shows us the wisdom and humbleness that he possessed. One of my favorite narrations is that of when a young boy came to the Prophet ﷺ and requested that fornication be made halal (lawful) for him! Simply reading over this without thought can strip it of its brilliance. Rather, take this and personalize it. Imagine yourself sitting in a masjid or at home and watching this young man walk up to a respected member of the community and shamelessly saying, ‘Please make this act of fornication that Allah has forbidden, permissible for me.’ What do you imagine the elder would say? What would the look be on his face? You can guess there would be yelling, screaming, taunting, or maybe looks of sheer disgust too. And now imagine what that reaction would do to the questioner. Would it bring him closer to the way of Allah? Would it convince him not to do the act that he is yearning for? Maybe. But most likely, it would just push him farther away.

Our beloved Prophet ﷺ understood this young man’s psychology, and instead of reacting as many of us would do by default, he acted with wisdom and embraced the role of a counselor. He came down to this boy’s level, trying to help him understand the wisdom behind not indulging in acts he thought would be fun. Instead of making him feel like an absurd and bad Muslim, he ﷺ asked some simple questions: ‘Would you like someone to do that to your mother?’ The boy replied in the negative. ‘Would you like someone to do that to your sister?’ Again, having the issue personalized he replied in the negative. ‘Would you like someone to do that to your Aunt?’ No. So, having made a personal connection, and convincing the boy logically and emotionally of why we should stay away from the forbidden act, the Prophet ﷺ then placed his hand on his chest and made du`a’ that Allah help the boy to remain chaste. Not only was this a genuine du`a’, but it also served as a reminder that no matter how convinced we are of our will to not disobey Allah, obedience is not possible without His blessings. It reminded the boy that whenever he felt the urge to commit any sin, he should turn to the One and the Only that can make it easy for him.

The Prophet of God ﷺ was more than just a preacher of ‘halal and haram’. He was the ultimate counselor, helping to replace the low feelings within the hearts of the community with a seed that, by the will of Allah, could sprout roots of loving Allah and Hoping for his aid and mercy. The Prophet ﷺ individualized his advice to people, making sure that each person was answered in the most relevant way. He made it clear that Islam is not a religion for robots – typing in a command and expecting immediate results. Rather, it is a guideline for humanity, and as humans sometimes we need encouragement and counseling to help us through the difficult times.