counselors – Virtual Mosque

How to Speak to a Gay Sibling

VMCounselors — Tue, 19 Aug 2014 12:00:44 +0000

Photo: madlyinlovewithlife

Question:

My 18-year-old sister recently told me that she was gay. Not only that, but she was also in a relationship with a girl whom we all thought was her best friend. And to make matters even worse, she said she was not sure she felt Muslim anymore.

Obviously, I was shocked. But I love my sister; I have practically raised her since she was little. So I listened patiently (she has a history of mental health/anxiety/self-harm issues) and I told her that, while I did not agree with her life choice, I loved her no matter what. I feel that the worst thing I could have done at that time is to reject her. I did not even go down the ‘it is un-Islamic’ road—she already knows that, and she is struggling with it.

Now, we have long conversations about how/if Islam fits into her life. I know I cannot force her to remain in the faith if she does not want to, but I feel so lost myself that I am running out of things to say.

I guess I am not asking if her being gay is ‘halal’, but rather looking for advice on how to deal with a loved one going through something like this. She has obviously gone through hell and back alone, and now finally she feels like she can confide in someone about ‘who she really is.’ Given her background of poor mental health, I am loathe to do or say anything that could tip her balance the wrong way. I just do not know how to support her, and if in doing so I am going against my own beliefs in the process. Her well-being is the most important thing to me right now.

Answer:

It sounds like maintaining a positive relationship with your younger sister is very important to you. Her identification as being gay and questioning the role of Islam in her life further confirms for you the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with her. You have been able to approach her with compassion and empathy but you also question whether this challenges your own personal beliefs.

By maintaining open communication with your sister, you are modeling empathy and understanding for her struggle. By loving her, you also realize that you cannot change her, but you can be there for her if/when she has concerns or questions. If you feel that she respects your boundaries and does not impose her choices on you, then you are engaging in a mutually respectful relationship. Maintaining open communication with her does not mean you accept what she is doing, but rather that you have a loving heart towards her as your sister, and do not wish to break the bond of a family relationship.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings.

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Feeling Homesick and Thinking of Divorce

VMCounselors — Tue, 17 Jun 2014 12:00:28 +0000

Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit.

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

Infidelity and Spying on a Spouse

VMCounselors — Wed, 21 May 2014 12:00:56 +0000

Photo: Pete

Question:

“I am recently married to my husband for 8 months. Recently I found out about his past, that he is/was bisexual. Up until then, I knew of the existence of the guy as his close friend. I indirectly confronted my husband and he confessed. He didn’t want to tell me because he’s afraid it would affect our marriage. He married me because he feels that he could change with me around. He said he is slowly solving the issue and would work things out.

However, I found him and the guy still contacting and meeting up with each other. Also, my husband lied about going overseas for work at xx place when I found out he went to yy place instead which is not where he said the work will be at. I knew because I have a GPS spy system installed in his HP. He still messages me as though he’s doing his work. I just played with the game.

I pray to Allah for guidance and patience, and to hold this marriage together because I believe that my husband will change for the better and we can start our marriage afresh after the confession. It is so hurting to know that my husband lied and is still lying. I do not want to tell him I distrust him because he mentioned before that if I don’t trust him it’s best we go our separate ways because he doesn’t want a partner who does not trust him. I don’t want to lose him.

Could you advise me on my situation?”

Answer:

You are feeling betrayed by the reality that your husband identifies as bi-sexual and is continuing to engage in a relationship with a friend from his past despite being married to you. You felt that his promise to change and marriage to you would have helped him change his behavior and preference. When you discovered his relationship, you chose not to confront him but rather accept the charade out of a fear that the marriage would dissolve. Your behavior to track him shows that you do not feel you can have open communication with him about your concerns. The lack of honesty and transparency in your relationship is a concern.

When you chose to marry your husband, you chose to accept him for who he is, even if he does not change in the future. Once you discovered he is bi-sexual you chose to accept him and accept being in a relationship with him despite his preferences. If you are now discovering that infidelity is something you cannot accept, then you need to make a decision that is best for you. You cannot make a decision about your life based on expecting another person to change or become the person you want them to be. You and your husband would greatly benefit from couples counseling so that you can determine what type of relationship you each envision as well as whether he is capable of being in a committed relationship. Through counseling you will learn about what path he is taking to resolve his issues and how the two of you can either maintain a marriage or part ways.

How do I deal with a Non-Practicing Spouse?

VMCounselors — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 12:00:41 +0000

Question:

I want to find out what is the ruling for a practicing Muslimah whose Muslim husband does not pray except occasionally. He has tried intermittently to establish salah (prayer) but it was not consistent. He doesn’t go to the mosque and he’s never read the entire Qur’an. Before, he would combine three days at once and pray extremely fast. In the end, he gave up and it has been almost two months now. He doesn’t pray Friday prayer, but he fasts the month of Ramadan. He tells me he believes in prayer, but he is very busy with managing his business and works more than 12 hours a day. He comes back home and always gives excuses that he is extremely tired and would promise to pray the next day without fail.

I have put in much effort to encourage and motivate him, read to him ayat (verses) from the Qur’an and ahadeeth (traditions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Sometimes he listens and other times he gets angry/annoyed and tells me all I talk to him about is deen (religion). He doesn’t like communicating with me about religion much and he sometimes complains about my time spent on the deen although he doesn’t mind me wearing the hijab and going to the mosque.

Before we got married, I made it clear to him that we would pray together, share our deen and raise our children according to Islam. He promised me and gave me his word, and I understood he was devout in his heart. I asked a couple of imams about this issue, and they all told me that all I should do is be motivating/encouraging and make du`a’ (supplication). I fear mostly for any children we may have, because they would be confused as to what is the truth and what they should do. This would also cause problems providing an appropriate Islamic environment at home to raise upright Muslim children.

Answer:

It sounds like when you married your husband you expected him to change and become more religious because it was important to you that you marry a religious man. You feel that he has a devout heart and wish that he would manifest his faith outwardly because you fear that if your children do not see him practice his faith they will become confused. The reality is that people will only change when it is important to them. When you chose to marry him, you chose to accept him with his strengths and weaknesses. If he chooses to pray and read Qur’an, it would be ideal for you, but you now realize you can’t control him nor change him and that your ideal is not the reality.

Your decision to marry him was based on a promise but not on the reality of where he is religiously. Despite not being religiously observant, he is encouraging you to grow religiously and does not stand in your way of spiritual growth. His relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), is a personal one and despite your well-intentioned encouragement, he may only be hearing nagging and judgment from you. He may not feel accepted by you for who he is despite his flaws, so he will continue to pull away from you because you may remind him to feel awful about himself for not praying dutifully. This negative spiral will only continue to hurt your relationship and potentially hurt your relationship with your children. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to role model empathy for your husband’s struggle. He may be inspired by your attachment to the faith and the peace it brings you. By role modeling what you wish for your husband and children, you will embody the faith in your family because your actions will “speak” louder than your words. You cannot control how your husband and children choose to practice the faith. Approach your family with tenderness and understanding as they progress in the faith and continue to rely on Allah (swt) when you have feelings of fear and anxiety.

Living With My Brother-in-Law

VMCounselors — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:00:12 +0000

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.

Polygamous Marriage

VMCounselors — Mon, 04 Feb 2013 13:00:11 +0000

Question:

I have been discussing marriage with a brother. He seems to have everything I’m looking for in a spouse, and even though we’re still getting to know each other better, feelings get deeper on both sides. The problem is, he doesn’t oppose polygamy, and said he could have more than one wife at a time. Although I understand that it’s perfectly “legal” to have several wives, I personally would not want it for myself. I’m facing a dilemma: should I consider being in a potentially polygamous marriage, even if the guy seems to be perfect for me?

Answer:

You are feeling conflicted because you think this brother has everything you’re looking for except for his beliefs about a particular issue. Sometimes, while getting to know a person for marriage, we learn something new about our love interest that makes us reconsider the whole matter. For you, this happened to be your potential partner’s views on polygamy.

The real question here is this: Can you accept the possibility of sharing your husband with another woman in marriage, or is this a deal breaker for you?

If you can’t accept polygamy, then that’s your deal breaker, and this man is not the right person for you.

Since the brother has made clear to you his feelings about polygamy, he is basically alerting you that polygamy is a real possibility for your future with him. He has been clear with you about his views, and you must not minimize your concern in an effort to move forward with the marriage. It would be unfair on your behalf to know this, yet choose to marry him with the intention of changing his mind. If you do so, you will be setting yourself up for a volatile marriage. Marriage should be built on a foundation of trust, transparency, and full disclosure. You should share with him your concern, and if he respects and accepts your preference, then you can add this to your marriage contract as one of the conditions for divorce. However, you cannot force him to commit to a monogamous marriage if he does not want to.

Bear in mind also the legalities of such an arrangement in countries that do not allow for polygamy. Are you comfortable being married to a man who could potentially be breaking the law? And how can you ensure that your individual rights and the rights of your future family will be preserved in a polygamous marriage?

It is important to ask the difficult questions now instead of having to deal with the repercussions later. Self-awareness and honesty with yourself and with the other person are essential to helping you make the best decision without sacrificing your personal values and beliefs, and without minimizing problems in the relationship.

Leaving Islam

VMCounselors — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 13:00:35 +0000

Question:

We have a 25-year-old son who lives 3000 miles away from us. We went to see him a couple of weeks ago and he informed us that he was no longer Muslim, that he does not believe in any religion. He believes that religions are one of the main reasons why there are so many problems around the world. He also told us that he has a girlfriend who is atheist. My wife was furious, and she demanded that he convert back to Islam and marry his girlfriend. His response was a clear, ‘No’. We are very upset with his decisions, and we have not talked to him since. We don’t want to have any relationship with him. Would you have any advice for us as to what should be our next steps, and how we can convince him to come back to the right path?

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and distressed by the news your son has shared with you and that you are feeling helpless as parents and are finding difficulty in accepting his choices. Unfortunately, the struggle you are facing has become a common stressor in many Muslim families. The process to assert an identity is a normal stage of human development, and in your son’s effort to develop his own identity, he has chosen to leave the faith. According to psychological theory, young adults go through the formation of their religious identity between the ages of 18-24 when they seek to understand their personal identity separate from family and friends. When the identity is contrary to family beliefs, it becomes a huge stressor as the family adapts to the new reality. Many Muslim families cannot cope with this decision, and because they feel so helpless, they show disapproval of the choice by severing the relationship with their child.

The Qur’an reminds Muslims that there is no compulsion in religion. As the parents of a young adult, the next difficult step is for you to accept your son’s right to believe (or not believe). This is extremely difficult because it shatters your expectations and desires for your child. Accept that you cannot change your child, and let go of the mistaken belief that you are responsible for your child’s actions and beliefs. Remember that your adult child is responsible for his own deeds and behaviors. As the Qur’an reminds, “No soul is beholden for the sins of another,” (6:164; 17:15; 35:18; 39:7; 53:38). Understanding that you cannot control your child and removing any personal responsibility you may feel will help you establish a new relationship with your son.

You and your wife can establish boundaries with your son around the things that are most important to you, issues that you can control and that impact your own life. For example, you can establish a boundary with your son that he cannot speak disrespectfully about Islam in your presence. Another example could be that he cannot drink or eat pork in your presence out of respect for you. Establishing these boundaries will show your son that even though you disapprove of his lifestyle and cannot control what he does, you still value a relationship with him and you seek mutual respect. The goal of changing him or controlling him then is removed, and if he seeks to maintain a relationship with you, he will do so out of respect for you as his parents. You must not sever the relationship with your son regardless of his beliefs and practices as this will permanently close the door to dialogue and compassion. Maintaining this new relationship with your son is essential as he continues to grow and develop in his life. If he chooses one day to return to Islam you will have left a door open for him to be able to return because you remained compassionate and were always parents who maintained a relationship with their son.

Help! My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex

VMCounselors — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 13:00:28 +0000

Question:

We are a young couple in our mid 20’s, both professionals, live alone, and have no children. I couldn’t wish for a better wife. She really is the whole package—intelligent, beautiful, and pious. We get along extremely well, share interests, and are always joking together. We genuinely are best friends, and I have absolutely no complaints what so ever…. except one. We very rarely (I mean once a month at most) have sexual relations, and I am really struggling with this.

I feel like I have tried everything, but nothing seems to be working. I have tried being patient when she is tired or complains of a headache. I just deal with it, but she seems to be tired all too often. I have tried ‘woo-ing’ her; when she gets home from work, I have cooked for her a 3 course meal, bought her flowers, and finished the household tasks so she can relax. I have surprised her with gifts, small things that I know she appreciates. I don’t use these gestures as some sort of currency for sexual attention, but my point is I’m not a lousy guy who does nothing for his woman! I have tried talking to her and telling her that I would appreciate more of this time with her, but it just doesn’t work.

Sex is a fundamental ingredient to a successful marriage, and I can’t help but feel like we are missing that salient ingredient. I know that men and women have differing libidos and appreciate that sometimes a woman is just tired!

What would you advise I do or say to improve the situation? I know that there is no malice intended by her refusal, but she just doesn’t seem to be interested in a sexual relationship.

Answer:

Frequency of sexual activity will vary from couple to couple. Although it is normal for couples to have differences in sexual desire, it is estimated that one out of every three married couples struggles with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire ((Weiner-Davis, Michele. 2003. The sex-starved marriage: Boosting your marriage libido: A couple’s guide. NY: Simon & Schuster.)) . There could be multiple factors contributing to your wife’s lack of interest in sex, including health issues, side effects of medications (e.g. birth control), depression, anxiety, fatigue, and/or stress. It’s a good idea to encourage your wife to get a medical evaluation. Have you also considered your wife’s beliefs about sex? Her hesitation may be due to cultural beliefs discouraging women from initiating or enjoying sexual activity. Perhaps your wife is dealing with unresolved emotional issues or other psychological barriers. Has she experienced sexual abuse? Does she share your positive characterization of your marriage? Is she afraid of getting pregnant? Another issue to consider is whether your wife’s needs are being met during sex. Are you pleasuring her? Have you discussed her preferences during sexual activity? Is she experiencing any pain during sex?

All of these factors can contribute to low libido.

Additionally, consider the fact that there may be gender differences in the sexual response cycle. Most people are familiar with the linear model in which sexual activity begins with desire, followed by arousal, and ends with orgasm. However, women’s motivations to be sexual are more complex and are not necessarily motivated by desire. Women may be seeking emotional intimacy and increased confidence about their self-image, and their decision to continue in sexual activity will depend on factors such as stimulation, time, and environmental and interpersonal context. If all of these elements are in place when women are approached and sexually stimulated by their partners, they will experience a circular sexual response cycle, with feelings of arousal leading to feelings of desire, which can then increase motivation for sexual activity ((Basson, R. (2005). Women’s sexual dysfunction: revised and expanded definitions. CMAJ, 172(10).)) . Generally, women take longer to feel sexually aroused, so expand your sexual repertoire and be creative in your foreplay with your wife, focusing on holding, touching, and caressing, instead of just genital stimulation.

Outside of sexual activity, try a few different approaches. How often do you touch your wife affectionately without expecting it to lead to sex? Many women want to kiss, hug, cuddle, and hold hands without the pressure of sex. Make an effort to be intimate without being sexual. Instead of the usual dance of you pursuing your wife for sex and her pulling away—try not doing anything at all. Don’t initiate sex for a while, and see what happens. Her desire may be rekindled when there is some distance and you are no longer needy or dependent.

You are on the right track in expressing your affection to your wife through random acts of kindness. Use your friendship to have honest conversations about your concern. Be honest, and don’t take it personally. Your wife’s lack of interest doesn’t mean she’s not interested in you. She may be feeling ashamed and guilty, so be careful about engaging in a blame game. Ask questions. Find out what her expectations are, and given your differences in libido, you and your wife will have to negotiate a mutually acceptable goal for sexual activity. Work towards a mutual connection—emotionally and sexually. If all else fails, consider visiting a counselor with expertise in sexual issues.

Problems with Attraction

VMCounselors — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 12:00:31 +0000

Question:

I have been trying to get married for the past few years, and the main problem I am facing is that whoever is brought to me as a prospect through my family or the community, I am just not physically attracted to them; and it is not because I am looking for a super model or anything. My family and some friends tell me that physical attraction is not important and that personality is what one must focus on. The problem is that I am not attracted to women from my own ethnic background (South Asian), but rather feel an innate attraction towards Asian women (Chinese/Filipino). The reason this is becoming a problem is that there aren’t many single Muslim women from these backgrounds available in my community or in the communities I have been to. My attraction toward Asian women is growing every day, and I feel that if I don’t marry an Asian woman, then I will have a sense of unfulfillment in my life. It is this fear that keeps me from proceeding with any of the prospects my family brings forward. What can I do about this problem?

Answer:

Attraction is very subjective and unique to each individual, as it is a combination of your personality and environment. Feeling physically attracted to your future wife is just as important as liking her personality. Not feeling physically attracted towards your wife could cause major problems in your marriage. Further, if you marry a South Asian woman as your family expects, rather than an Asian woman as you desire, you may develop a feeling that she is never good enough and end up feeling resentful towards her and towards your family. Your wife may even feel like she is a disappointment to you or that you don’t really love her without really understanding your reasons.

You need to engage in self-reflection to determine what specifically about Asian women you are attracted to, besides physical appearance. Explore your ideas about Asian women’s personalities, qualities, and cultural attitudes toward marriage that you may be attracted to and seeking in a spouse. Also explore what your life experiences have possibly taught you about women of other ethnicities and why possibly you are not attracted to them. This can help you understand why you are attracted to Asian women versus South Asian women. You also need to change your thinking paradigm. Being attracted to a particular ethnicity is not “a problem”; rather this is something unique about you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your family by sharing with them that you wish to marry an Asian Muslim woman. You will need to determine if your parents are open to the idea of you marrying someone outside of your ethnicity and what path you are going to choose for yourself. Yes, it can be difficult to find an Asian Muslim woman; however, it is not impossible. Actively seeking an Asian Muslim woman for marriage will require that you throw out a “bigger net” and look outside your immediate community, perhaps even online, and let your friends and family know about the type of person you seek for marriage.

Child Abuse

VMCounselors — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 12:00:38 +0000

Question:

Your website gives a lot of info on domestic violence, defined as abuse between couples, but what about child abuse? Do you have any articles or resources on that? I really need them. I suffer from PTSD, ADD, depression, and anxiety because of intense physical abuse and emotional neglect. Can you please help me? I have a therapist who is very good and also spiritual, but he cannot provide for the Islamic component.

Answer:

Child abuse can be a form of domestic violence. According to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), child maltreatment is defined as:

“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”

Child abuse includes non-accidental physical injury, neglect, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Although any of the forms of child abuse may occur separately, they often occur in combination. ((Prevent Child Abuse: http://www.preventchildabuse.org/about_us/faqs.shtml))

In the United States, each year more than one million children are confirmed by child protective services to be victims of child abuse and neglect, and every day, a minimum of three children die as a result. Violence in the home is a major factor that contributes to child abuse and neglect. ((Lung, C. T. and D. Daro. 1996. Current trends in child abuse reporting and fatalities: The results of the 1995 annual fifty state survey. Chicago, IL: National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse.))

Islam is very clear about the importance of establishing peaceful and healthy family relationships. The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) taught us to be gentle with children, and there are numerous examples from his life that demonstrate his love and compassion for young people. For example, we know that he would greet his children affectionately, play with them, and listen to them.

Unfortunately, child abuse and neglect can lead to a variety of mental health problems, as you’ve shared with us. The good news is that you are seeking therapy. A therapist does not have to be Muslim to help you heal, but it may help to provide your therapist with information about your faith and share resources about Islam and mental health.

You may find some of the following articles/websites helpful for yourself and your therapist:

Child Abuse and the Muslim Community:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2010/06/27/child-abuse-the-muslim-community/

Forgiving Your Parents & Learning to Move On:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2012/04/29/forgiving-your-parents-learning-to-move-on/

Project Sakinah: http://www.projectsakinah.org/

Peaceful Families Project: http://www.peacefulfamilies.org/index.php

FaithTrust Institute: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/articles/Advocating-for-Muslim-Child.pdf

Counseling Muslims: http://www.routledgementalhealth.com/counseling-muslims-9780415988605