When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Sexual Harassment.  Marrying a second wife secretly for a temporary amount of time.  Pedophilia. Pornography. Adultery and its kin: developing ‘back-up’ plan relationships while married. Embezzling funds.  Spiritual abuse and false religious justifications for harmful/ immoral behavior. Slander.

Then you see their names on flyers for Islamic events, and hear them speaking about modesty, integrity, courage, family life, being a good husband or wife, a good father or mother, detached from money and wealth, the ethics of speech. They might have adoring crowds who don’t know or just a small team of people they work with who don’t care.

If you’ve ever had a religious teacher or teachers who didn’t just fall, but they *failed* miserably at upholding a basic ethical standard for themselves, you may have experienced emotional burn-out as a result. Please note that religious leaders may fall all the time because they are human and it is human to fall as no one can fully escape the minor sins. This is why I used the term “Fail.” A Fail, as I use it in this series, is when a religious leader falls into a major sin or a socially reprehensible sin that is beneath the level of trust afforded to their position, is confronted, and they stubbornly refuse to make proper amends even when given the chance. This is a fail.

Please also note that I use the term emotional burn-out, and not spiritual burn-out because the spirit is essentially untouchable. Our bodies on the other hand produce emotions, and they do get affected by the stress of disappointment. Sometimes spirit and emotion are used interchangeably in language and it’s important to realize they are certainly not one and the same, as described by Ustadh Abdelrahman Mussa here. This is significant because once you realize the burn-out is emotional, you have a pathway to recovery.

Let’s unpack some of the emotions and delve into the conscious and subconscious thoughts behind such disappointment:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.
• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.
• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel like you have no control over holding the religious leader accountable if you were personally harmed, and you may feel no control in preventing them from harming others.
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of what may be some underlying frustrations. Each of these points can create a myriad of different powerful emotions, so imagine what a few or all of them could create? Rather than feel all the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment, helplessness, dislike, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness, (insert huge overwhelming emotion here), etc. , you may have simply shut down your feelings altogether, thus creating apathy and numbness. Holding onto to the apathy and numbness for a prolonged period without help can lead to a crisis in one’s faith as there is a tendency to extend the apathy to one’s relationship to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) Himself.

This post is simply an introduction to the topic and future posts are meant to deal with each of the aforementioned points in greater detail. If you are someone who has experienced this test and what you’re struggling with emotionally is not addressed in the points above, please add your specific struggle to the comments section and we will try to address it insha’ Allah (God willing). If you have a specific trauma that you would like counseling or therapy for, we can try to connect you to someone qualified insha’ Allah. If you have not gone through this test alhamdulilah (praise be to God), it is hoped that these posts may empower you to help someone who has.

Even though this is simply an introduction, there is one important lesson I would like to leave us with for this week: We can and should disagree with unethical behavior from anyone without disapproving of the qadar (decree) of Allah. Disagreeing with someone’s harmfulness is healthy, needed, and productive. Blaming Allah for having experienced it is not. Once something is in the past, it is part of His decree. Once it is part of His decree, you accept the good and bad of it as being a test from Him, which could not have been other than what occurred. There is no changing the past. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried on it. You embrace His test without doubting His Perfection, Justice, and Mercy. There is no need to attribute either to Allah (swt) or even to yourself anything negative about this test. Allah does not hate you and you are not a horrible or unworthy person because this test happened to you. These are harmful thoughts that lack any benefit and only push you into the mud, so you can imagine where they came from. The whispers of shaytan (the devil) are to make us despair in Allah (swt), and despair in ourselves. Instead, look to what is beneficial and ask yourself: What do I have control over? What will I be asked about when I am resurrected? My immediate choices. How can I use my immediate choices to better the situation? How can I use my immediate choices to make the best transaction with Allah (swt) through this test, and gain unfathomable reward insha’ Allah? How can I rely on Allah (swt) for strength and guidance and come out personally stronger and wiser? Some answers insha’ Allah will be in the upcoming posts. For now, allow yourself to reflect on your own answers and realize that this is simply the practical application of the famous hadith (narration):

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s Assistance, wa laa ta’jiz [‘don’t lend yourself to things devoid of benefit’, ‘don’t stop hoping’—both acceptable meanings], and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say, ‘Qaddar Allahu wa maa sha’a  fa’al’ [‘Allah ordained (this) and He does what He wills’], for verily the phrase, ‘If I would have’ makes way for the work of Shaytan.” (Muslim)

No matter how weak you might feel in your faith, the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) affirms there is still good in you and the fact that you believe is evidence of the love Allah (swt) has for you. The recipe to increased strength starts with embracing the decree of Allah, remaining hopeful in Him, and focusing on what is beneficial to you in this life and the next. Know that gratitude in Allah (swt) for the faith He has blessed you with increases it, and is immensely beneficial. You may not realize it yet, but you got this insha’ Allah.

Photo: Tubb

All right, so this might be a bit difficult, a bit abstract. Maybe you won’t even understand an iota of what I will try to explain—but hopefully, I can express it in words.

Do you know that aching feeling that there is something wrong? That there is something that needs to be fixed? That feeling that there is something missing, something just out of place? It is such a sad feeling—almost devastating. Do you know it?

Hopefully, I can express it in words.

I had that feeling once. Or rather, it was a never-ending feeling, constant, always there. Eating away at my soul, at my sanity, at me. I thought it was normal, that everyone felt this way. This is what they call the pain of separation, right? But separation from whom? And if we reunite, will it be gone? Do you know that feeling, that aching emptiness?

Hopefully, I can express it in words.

It is that feeling that you get when you see someone you absolutely love, and want to run into his or her arms. The craving for a hug that makes all the pain go away. Except, I could not see him. Who was he? Where could I find him? I needed his hug but he was not there to give it to me. No, it’s not that he wasn’t there—there was a barrier between us—keeping us separated. And so the pain of that separation only increased. Is this starting to make sense? Are you starting to feel it within your soul?

I don’t know… I just hope I can express it in words.

It took me time to realize the solution. I had to break the wall, but it takes more than just the power of a hammer. It takes more than the power of a bulldozer. You cannot break the wall by beating it down with anything of this world. It takes tools that are stronger than you can carry. It takes tools that are brighter than you can see. It takes tools that you have never laid eyes on, at least not yet. I stood at that wall for so long. I had nothing, nothing, but my bare hands and naked feet. I stood there, not knowing how to break the wall. So I placed two palms on it, felt its cold, spiritless texture, and began to do the only thing I could think of doing. I banged my head against it. Why my head? Who do such a crazy thing? Well, because my head housed my brain, my `aql, the thing I think with. It was the most powerful thing that I had—or so I thought. And so I banged my head against the wall, hoping and praying that it would break down, crumble, collapse.

But it didn’t.

I began to bruise, to break, and to bleed.

I began to crumble and collapse within myself. I tried so hard, and I just wanted a hug. One hug. Why could I not do it? I looked everywhere for a solution. I looked to the top of that hard brick wall, could I climb it? No, my feet would slip and my hands would blister. I looked to the left, hoping I could see where the wall ends, but it went on as far as my little eyes could see. I began to give up hope, knowing that I could never make it to that man who carried the hug that would make it all better. I gave up hope, so I did the only thing that my body would let me do: I hit the ground on my knees, then my forehead. And then, for an instant, there was peace. And then, for an instant, I could hear a whisper. And that whisper is the one very important thing that I really hope, for you and for me, that I can express in words.

I almost didn’t hear it, because it was ever so faint. You have something stronger. You have something stronger. Stronger than what? What could this whisper be talking about? You have something stronger than the bruised and bloodied head that you have been banging against the wall. You have something stronger. I began to think about what this could possibly mean. What could possibly be stronger than that brain of mine that I had been using to guide me in every which direction? What could it be? And then I heard the whisper confirm my biggest fear: You have your heart. The one thing I did not want to use.

My hand flew to my chest. No, no, no. This cannot be it. This cannot be what I have to use. I decided long ago that this heart had been hurt too much, had been shattered too many times, and it would never be used again. Whenever I used that piece of flesh within, I became vulnerable. I gave it away too easily, to the wrong people, and it never recovered. I began to shake my head violently, tears splattering with every shake. And then I heard the voice, louder this time, and much more soothing: Shh. Settle down. Trust me, this time is different. It only hurts when you give it to the wrong person. Your heart is greater than that. Your heart was meant to contain only greatness, so do not settle for anything less. I breathed in deeply, and let the air out from between my lips. Again I breathed in, allowing the fear and the sorrow to be expelled on the way out. I lifted my head and looked around for the next step. And then I saw what was about to come.

Man oh man, I hope I can express it in words.

It was to the far right; I had given up before gazing in that direction. It was a door, a real door in the brick wall. My first thought was that it was a joke, or maybe some weird mirage. Maybe someone was playing a trick on me. But then I realized, that was my brain talking, so I told it to be quiet. Hush, brain. This is a job for the heart. I listened to my heart and it urged me, ever so quietly, to tread on. I walked to the door with wobbly legs, feeling pain throughout my body with every step. I was so tired. So tired. My brain told me to give up, that it was just too much for my body to bear, but my heart said to keep on, and so I did. I reached for the door, and turned the knob. I turned it to the left, then to the right. It would not budge.

It. Was. Locked.

I fell to the ground sobbing. How could it be locked? How could it not open? What is the only thing worse than having no hope at all? Finally having the strongest hope that something will work, and then having that hope snatched away in a split second. The door was locked. But as I sobbed between gasps for air, I heard my heart once again: The lock. You just need to unlock the lock.

I settled down again, thinking with my heart about what could possibly open this door of doors. I began to think, and to think and to think. And then I heard it, my heart of hearts saying the most profound words I had ever heard: Sali `ala annabi (Say, “Peace be upon the Prophet ﷺ”).

Come again?

Sali `ala annabi.

And so I did. And as the words came out of my mouth, I did not even have to reach for the knob. The door slid open, and the light poured forth. I got up, and ran in with my wobbly feet and my disheveled look. I saw him there in the middle, smiling, like I knew he would be. I wrapped my arms around him, and he hugged me. He hugged me. A hug that melted every evil thought, every broken heart, every hurtful word, every negative feeling, away. Far, far away. And he did not let go. He just hugged me, and let me cry until I was done. And then I looked at him, trying to see him, but instead only seeing light. And I heard his blessed voice telling me: Now that you have come through the right door, and handed me your heart: rise. Rise to your Lord, and I will accompany you on your journey.

Allahuma salli `ala Sayidna Muhammad wa `ala aali Sayidna Muhammad wa salim tasleeman katheera. Wa salim tasleeman katheera.

(May God send peace upon the Prophet and the family of the Prophet and grant peace, many times over. And grant peace, many times over. )

Have you ever had a moment when you feel the bile rising in your throat, face flushed, and nostrils flaring? Your hands are balled into fists, and you could strike – you’re filled with that sudden urge to destroy something. It might be a vase, a plate in your hand or your cell phone – easily chucked a couple hundred feet, hurled out a window or shattered into a million pieces on the pavement.

Maybe this scenario isn’t something you can relate to – for you, it might be getting behind the wheel and hitting the gas, the sound of tires screeching and the smell of burned rubber filling the air. Or you might be one of the volcano types which erupt with profanity and all sorts of hurtful words until there is nothing left.  Or you can be the type that does not say anything, internalizing the feeling of anger until they get an ulcer.

It’s perfectly normal to get angry.  After all, we are human – we have emotions and are impacted by our day-to-day dealings and disappointments. Anger is a human emotion that all of us possess, but like any other human vice, anger needs to be controlled so that it doesn’t control you. Anger can range from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. So what is the prescribed manner to display anger? How does one keep anger in check?  What are the prescribed ways to manage anger?

It is important to discuss how to approach anger because if anger is not properly dealt with, it can cause other problems internally or externally. For instance, if anger is internalized it can cause hypertension (high blood pressure) or depression. Externally one will witness violence and destruction; the ripples of anger linger and taint a person’s character as well.

The sudden spark of anger that ignites into a flame is attributed to Satan provoking man to lose control.  In a narration of a hadith, Atiyah bin Arwah reports the Prophet ﷺ as saying, “Anger is prompted by Satan who has been created from fire“ (Abu Dawud). Furthermore, the Prophet has been quoted about anger in the following ahadith:

“Beware of anger, for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendant of Adam. Do you not notice the swelling of the veins of his neck and the redness of his eyes? So when anyone experiences anything of that nature he should lie down and cleave to the earth” (Tirmidhi).

“If one of you becomes angry while standing he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down” (Tirmidhi).

Performing ablution is another method of anger management. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when any of you is angry, he should perform ablution” (Abu Dawood).

Next time you feel a little hot under the collar here a few suggestions on how to keep that little spark from becoming an all-consuming fire:

• First of all seek refuge from Satan. The du`a’ that is recommended is “auoodhu billahee minashaythan irajeem,” which translates to “I seek refuge in Allah from the Satan, the stoned,” as noted in Bukhari and Muslim.
• Try changing your physical position. If you are standing, sit down.
• Finally, if that fire is starting turn into an all-out forest fire, make wudu (ablution) and put it out.

I also have a few personal suggestions that I have found helpful, as I tend to be on the fiery side: drinking water helps, stepping away from the situation and cooling down, and I personally enjoy meditation through yoga and isolation. Also, any means to get out the frustration is good: exercising, martial arts, sports, etc.

I would like to end with two ahadith that I found very inspiring:

The Prophet ﷺ said, “When Allah created His creations, He wrote on His Throne: ‘My Mercy has preceded My Anger'” (Bukhari).

The Prophet ﷺ said, “The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the one who controls himself while in anger,’ (Bukhari).