Disillusionment with the Community and the Self

Originally published at Safa Center

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The second level of disillusionment is with the community at large. Here are the aforementioned points that deal with this level:

• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

In other words, you feel like a total stranger within the Muslim community because you choose to take a principled position on this type of thing. You have the courage not to lie to yourself about the reality of what has occurred in front of you. At the same time, it feels horrible to be at odds with people who are supposed to be your ‘community.’ Ignorance—at least while it lasted—seemed more blissful than disappointment. For personal healing, just as it takes courage to stand for truth, it also takes courage to have a higher level of compassion and mercy toward those who are just not there yet, without compromising your own position of integrity.

When the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) died, this was truly the greatest test of our ummah (community). People simply did not know how to cope or deal with the news. Abu Bakr radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) as a true inheritor of the Prophet ﷺ directed people when no one else could: “Whoever worships Muhammad ﷺ let them know Muhammad ﷺ has died, but whoever worships Allah, let them know Allah lives and never dies.” The companions were in total disbelief and their pain needed guidance and direction for healing. You may need to take a similar position of wisdom and compassion in your community as an expression of your loyalty to truth. “Whoever worships the religious leader, let them know the religious leader is human and capable of great sin. Whoever worships Allah, let them know only Allah is absolutely perfect and only He is above accountability.” When you meet the defensive fan, the blind supporter, the aloof community member, or the complicit ally, realize that they are also part of the test but they do not all bear the same levels of responsibility.

Have as much compassion and mercy as you can for the fan, supporter, and aloof community member. You may have been exposed to the issue before them for a purpose. It’s not to condemn them, but to help them through dealing with the unbelievable, the depressing, if they are open to that lesson from you. If they are not open, be confident that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) will guide them from a source better than you if they are sincere. If they are not sincere, they are still in the hands of Allah (swt). Our job is not to control everyone or judge their hearts. It’s to invite everyone to a better way, in a better way. You cannot help a people you are disgusted with. You must return to compassion and mercy. Furthermore, you are disgusted with a people when you attribute the source of your ‘correctness’ to yourself.

If Allah (swt) had not favored you with the blessing of insight, you could have just as easily been the blind fan, even the complicit ally. Have compassion and mercy from a place of gratitude and humility with Allah– because Allah (swt) had compassion and mercy on you by letting you recognize falsehood as falsehood. Guidance is the true blessing, not ignorance. Let your sense of hope for progress come from your gratitude to Allah for everyone who does behave responsibly toward the situation including yourself. Always magnify the good in your mind and express it to Allah and magnify Allah’s infinite ability to help your community grow stronger through this test. Your eyes may have grown accustomed to the dark, but you won’t be able to see again unless you focus on the light, even when uncomfortable.

Recognize a fan in denial may accuse you of all sorts of horrible things. Realize that is their pain speaking. Don’t internalize it, don’t allow it to cause you to doubt yourself, don’t take it personally, and realize truth is always known in due time. Imagine Abu Bakr (ra) rising above that most painful situation, not taking to heart Umar’s threats to kill anyone claiming the Prophet’s death. Abu Bakr remained loyal to his responsibility in front of Allah (swt). Witnessing people reacting the wrong way does not mean the situation is “out of control.” The situation is always under control because Allah al-Qadeer (the Powerful) is ever present. Exercise your control over your immediate choices without fearing for what is outside of your scope of influence. Your responsibility is only to Allah (swt).

When it comes to compassion and mercy, the expression of that to the complicit ally is different. The complicit ally knows deep down what they are doing is wrong, but they may be in denial as to the heaviness of their crime. They are usually unfortunately opportunists who believe anyone they are close to is deserving of a different standard of treatment or they might just be cowards, fearing the famous and influential more than they fear Allah (swt). On rare occasion, they are actually just incredibly confused people because of the inability to negotiate the disconnect between their own gratitude toward the figure and the very harmful actions the figure is involved in. In any case, they actually need to see the failed religious leader held accountable to learn that crime doesn’t pay and there are no worthwhile perks to assisting powerful people who abuse their position. Depending on how complicit they were, they may also need to be held accountable in a public way. If their role was limited to silence, it may be that they hated it in their heart and thought that was enough. For the silently complicit, if deliberate support cannot be proven legally, I would leave them to Allah (swt) and pray for their guidance.

This seems like a lot of compassion and mercy for those who don’t deserve it, right? We don’t practice mercy and compassion because we have judged that people are worthy of it. We practice mercy and compassion because Allah (swt) loves for us to do so. This mercy and compassion takes different forms depending on the circumstance. Private mediation is best sometimes, while other times public accountability is required. If it’s coming from a place of mercy, it will naturally fall in the best place. We allow it to come from mercy and not revenge to liberate ourselves from residing in a place of continued suffering. Mercy in our hearts toward others is mercy toward ourselves.

Many times, when people find it hard to turn a soft heart toward others, it’s because they are also being extremely hard on themselves. They keep replaying their own mistakes and weaknesses in their own mind relentlessly without forgiveness. They do the same with others, which creates ‘hiqd’—the hateful grudge that is disdained in Islam. If you have hiqd towards others, you very likely also have it toward yourself.

This leads us into the discussion of the third level of disappointment, that of your own self. Here are the related points:

• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?

• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.

The first point is an illusion. It seems like you are not trusting other teachers, but in fact you don’t trust yourself to identify them. You are protecting yourself from your own perceived lack of judgment. Additionally, you blame yourself for being in this place of apathy and numbness toward learning and growth as well. The first two points are actually one and the same. You may be blaming yourself for not listening perhaps to the ‘bad vibes’ that warned you before about the religious leader, blaming yourself for being so gullible, for not being able to practice husn al-thann (thinking well of others / things / situations) properly. In essence you are saying, it’s your fault this happened to you and you don’t deserve the right to trust yourself again and make yourself vulnerable. As easily as you wrote the community off as being a failure, you’re also writing yourself off. The problem with this entire line of thinking is that it is framed so incredibly wrong.

Let’s reframe it correctly. Personal mistakes in judgment are not failures and do not mean you are not worthy of trusting yourself to trust others. Think of Google maps on your phone. You have a map with only so much detail on it until you zoom in. Difficult situations in life help us to zoom in and take note of where we are. If you take a wrong turn, you are redirected. In other words, your map gets upgraded. A wrong turn only gives you more information on what to look out for in the future. Maybe you find an app for an even more detailed map just to cross-check your chosen path or for additional features like nearby amenities, etc. that you didn’t have before. These are the many priceless lessons and fueling stations we need on the journey. When we head toward something we can’t find, the upgraded map allows us to change direction and find a better alternate destination. We are getting stronger, wiser, better, and are more prepared than before. You don’t need to throw away the first map altogether, you are simply upgrading, adding, and fine-tuning.

If you can retain the lessons, let go of the pain, and redirect your focus once more, you enter into a place of increased blessing and vision and are *better* equipped to trust yourself than you were before. So have mercy on yourself and recognize you didn’t fail, you simply upgraded your map. Our maps will need upgrades periodically throughout life, and it only makes us better travelers. Have mercy and compassion on yourself by trusting yourself as a stronger traveler. When you do so, you will be empowered to have mercy and compassion with your community as fellow travelers you hope to help.

In the fourth and last part of this series, we will deal with the final level of disappointment and disillusionment. Until then, I pray Allah makes us all ever stronger travelers on the path to Him. Ameen.

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

(This article was reviewed by a licensed therapist.)                    

The first level of disappointment is regarding the religious leader him/herself. Here are the aforementioned points that deal with this level:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.

As for the first point, your trust was in fact betrayed. You have a right to feel wronged. This feeling though, thankfully, does not mean you have to remain a victim to the mountainous pain of disappointment. When a religious leader fails, it has nothing to do with you, even if you were the one they directly harmed. It is a reflection of themselves, their own weaknesses, and internal states. There is no benefit that you can gain from holding onto the mountain of pain. Sometimes, a person might think by reliving the pain regularly, by carrying the mountain, they are protecting themselves from becoming desensitized to corruption, as the person who ‘doesn’t care’ is part of the problem. One can care very much, and be fully sensitive without having to carry the burden of pain with them. Integrity does not require self-imposed suffering. Just as you have a right to feel wronged and disappointed, you also have a right to let go of this pain while retaining the lessons.

The second point can become a dangerous slippery slope. There are hundreds of religious leaders in America. Even 30 Failed Leaders should not make us think the rest are in the same boat. At the same time, there is also no need to be naïve and assume everyone else is a saint. Everyone is human and capable of great good and great evil. To have the best opinion, do not assume more than what you see, in either direction. If someone does a clearly wrong action in front of you, “making 70 excuses” does not mean you say the action was right or justified. It means you might think, “Perhaps they are having a bad day, maybe they didn’t realize it was wrong, etc.” You also don’t extend it beyond that by thinking, “They probably do this all the time, this is how they *really* are, etc.” This would be having the worst assumption, and it’s not something allowed in Islam. To have balance means you don’t assume in any direction where their heart is as only Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) knows the hearts, and you only judge through actions, their observable behavior whether or not they are someone you’d like to take as a teacher. No one should be idolized. The religious leader is not the religion. I repeat, the religious leader is not the religion, no matter what claim to authority they might make. Even the most honorable ustaadh or ustaadha (teacher) is still human and makes mistakes. In Islam, we put following principles above following people.

Umar radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) once asked his people when he was amir al-mu’mineen (the Leader of the Believers) what they would do if he bowed down to corruption. He asked three times, until one of the people responded and said they would fight him. He congratulated the man who responded for having the appropriate response. If Umar (ra) as the khalifah (Caliph) was not above the law, no one else should be. If people have been wronged, they have the right to have their claims addressed even if they have to go to court. Sometimes people don’t want the stories to get out because they feel like such stories hurt the community’s faith. That might be true when it comes to smaller claims that can be negotiated between intermediaries. But for situations where a person is a clear danger, allowing a dangerous religious leader to continue harming people causes a much bigger crisis to faith and trust in religious leaders and institutions in the long run. Seeking justice is a means of having mercy on the community and even on the offending personality. Having once been involved in helping out with an intervention in which therapy was one of the requirements placed on the offender, the community leader who compliantly left their position, after some time, thanked those who intervened saying, “For the first time I felt like my problem can be, and will be, solved.” Alhamdulilah (all praise be to God), it was.

That being said, the entire field is not corrupt. The entire field is not pristine and pure either. Look for people of solid character, sound credentials in their learning, and people who work with others to build institutions that are about a cause bigger than their specific persona. Avoid taking people who display regularly narcissistic behavior as personal guides. You might be able to benefit in knowledge, but over time the behavior becomes normalized to you, and you would unknowingly adopt it yourself. The sincere teacher connects you to your mission, and calls you to God, not to himself or herself. Sound credentials are also important. Don’t take anyone as a teacher in religion who does not have the educational background that gives them ijaza (credential) to teach others. A beard, accent, and long robe are not indications of an educational background nor good character. Be wary of online degrees where the person has not also studied directly from scholars. Peer acknowledgment of requisite knowledge, character, and training by those who are credentialed and of exemplary character is another form of legitimacy. Our religious understanding is a living tradition, and it is inherited through people and institutions.

As for the last point, you may need therapy to fully recover from your experience. This is not something to fear or dread. Does anyone fear taking medicine when they feel physically ill? Medicine does not contradict prayer and tawakkul (trust in God), it completes it. If you don’t get treatment, you may find yourself turning away from anything and everything that reminds you even remotely of religion. After being harmed by a religious symbol, it becomes tempting to turn away from all religious symbols. If one was fake, there may be an urge to paint it all as fake. This is a trap of shaytan (the devil). When we are tested, we are in even more need of turning to Allah and holding onto His rope for our survival, guidance, and healing. If you feel like turning away, then allow yourself to stop the downward spiral by getting up, and turning back to Allah. Call on Him to guide you, help you, strengthen you, and liberate you from your pain.

Here are some tools that help alleviate overwhelming emotional distress:

1. Journaling in the third person: By expressing, you release the tension and come to realize the situation is not so big that it has to overwhelm you. It’s small enough to put into words and make sense of. By using third person you are able to dissociate from the heavy emotions while acknowledging what happened, and gaining lessons as well.
2. Channel your energy into a helpful hobby: exercise, painting, etc..
3. Releasing: A technique that is taught in the Whims-I-Kill program at ipersonalenrichment.com.
4. Speaking to local trained Muslim counselors and therapists.
5. Surround yourself with support. Fight the tendency to isolate. Spend time with worthy friends who would be like perfume sellers not blacksmiths. [i]
6. Increased worship and du`a’ (prayer). Every time you feel a whisper telling you to turn away from Allah, rebel and rebel hard. The shaytan wants you to despair in Allah, so you can feel utterly alone and without support. When you call on Allah, do so with hope in Him and His infinite abilities and wisdom. Believe in Who you don’t see much more than what you do see.

In the next piece, we will deal with the second and third levels of disappointment insha’ Allah. Until then, I pray this is of benefit for those affected and a conversation starter for all. Please feel free to add comments or reflections to this. You never know whom your shared thoughts are going to help.

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Sexual Harassment.  Marrying a second wife secretly for a temporary amount of time.  Pedophilia. Pornography. Adultery and its kin: developing ‘back-up’ plan relationships while married. Embezzling funds.  Spiritual abuse and false religious justifications for harmful/ immoral behavior. Slander.

Then you see their names on flyers for Islamic events, and hear them speaking about modesty, integrity, courage, family life, being a good husband or wife, a good father or mother, detached from money and wealth, the ethics of speech. They might have adoring crowds who don’t know or just a small team of people they work with who don’t care.

If you’ve ever had a religious teacher or teachers who didn’t just fall, but they *failed* miserably at upholding a basic ethical standard for themselves, you may have experienced emotional burn-out as a result. Please note that religious leaders may fall all the time because they are human and it is human to fall as no one can fully escape the minor sins. This is why I used the term “Fail.” A Fail, as I use it in this series, is when a religious leader falls into a major sin or a socially reprehensible sin that is beneath the level of trust afforded to their position, is confronted, and they stubbornly refuse to make proper amends even when given the chance. This is a fail.

Please also note that I use the term emotional burn-out, and not spiritual burn-out because the spirit is essentially untouchable. Our bodies on the other hand produce emotions, and they do get affected by the stress of disappointment. Sometimes spirit and emotion are used interchangeably in language and it’s important to realize they are certainly not one and the same, as described by Ustadh Abdelrahman Mussa here. This is significant because once you realize the burn-out is emotional, you have a pathway to recovery.

Let’s unpack some of the emotions and delve into the conscious and subconscious thoughts behind such disappointment:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.
• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.
• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel like you have no control over holding the religious leader accountable if you were personally harmed, and you may feel no control in preventing them from harming others.
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of what may be some underlying frustrations. Each of these points can create a myriad of different powerful emotions, so imagine what a few or all of them could create? Rather than feel all the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment, helplessness, dislike, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness, (insert huge overwhelming emotion here), etc. , you may have simply shut down your feelings altogether, thus creating apathy and numbness. Holding onto to the apathy and numbness for a prolonged period without help can lead to a crisis in one’s faith as there is a tendency to extend the apathy to one’s relationship to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) Himself.

This post is simply an introduction to the topic and future posts are meant to deal with each of the aforementioned points in greater detail. If you are someone who has experienced this test and what you’re struggling with emotionally is not addressed in the points above, please add your specific struggle to the comments section and we will try to address it insha’ Allah (God willing). If you have a specific trauma that you would like counseling or therapy for, we can try to connect you to someone qualified insha’ Allah. If you have not gone through this test alhamdulilah (praise be to God), it is hoped that these posts may empower you to help someone who has.

Even though this is simply an introduction, there is one important lesson I would like to leave us with for this week: We can and should disagree with unethical behavior from anyone without disapproving of the qadar (decree) of Allah. Disagreeing with someone’s harmfulness is healthy, needed, and productive. Blaming Allah for having experienced it is not. Once something is in the past, it is part of His decree. Once it is part of His decree, you accept the good and bad of it as being a test from Him, which could not have been other than what occurred. There is no changing the past. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried on it. You embrace His test without doubting His Perfection, Justice, and Mercy. There is no need to attribute either to Allah (swt) or even to yourself anything negative about this test. Allah does not hate you and you are not a horrible or unworthy person because this test happened to you. These are harmful thoughts that lack any benefit and only push you into the mud, so you can imagine where they came from. The whispers of shaytan (the devil) are to make us despair in Allah (swt), and despair in ourselves. Instead, look to what is beneficial and ask yourself: What do I have control over? What will I be asked about when I am resurrected? My immediate choices. How can I use my immediate choices to better the situation? How can I use my immediate choices to make the best transaction with Allah (swt) through this test, and gain unfathomable reward insha’ Allah? How can I rely on Allah (swt) for strength and guidance and come out personally stronger and wiser? Some answers insha’ Allah will be in the upcoming posts. For now, allow yourself to reflect on your own answers and realize that this is simply the practical application of the famous hadith (narration):

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s Assistance, wa laa ta’jiz [‘don’t lend yourself to things devoid of benefit’, ‘don’t stop hoping’—both acceptable meanings], and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say, ‘Qaddar Allahu wa maa sha’a  fa’al’ [‘Allah ordained (this) and He does what He wills’], for verily the phrase, ‘If I would have’ makes way for the work of Shaytan.” (Muslim)

No matter how weak you might feel in your faith, the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) affirms there is still good in you and the fact that you believe is evidence of the love Allah (swt) has for you. The recipe to increased strength starts with embracing the decree of Allah, remaining hopeful in Him, and focusing on what is beneficial to you in this life and the next. Know that gratitude in Allah (swt) for the faith He has blessed you with increases it, and is immensely beneficial. You may not realize it yet, but you got this insha’ Allah.