Imagine that you are given a test and told you should write an essay on topic X, and if you are unable to do so then write on topic Y. Yet, you then choose to go down a completely different path, or try nothing at all. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Yet this is parallel to what we do when the Prophet ﷺ (peace and blessings of God be upon him) gave us an answer to a problem yet we choose to ignore it.

I think young Muslims—whether in the West or not—can largely attest to the fitna (trials) they face at school/university, workplace, or elsewhere. Even if the brother/sister manages to lower their gaze, thoughts are bombarding them and it can seem like an on-going struggle of ups and downs to discipline your nafs (self) and kick out the whispers of Shaytan (Satan).

So what can we do? While marriage is not so ‘happily-ever-after’ as widely believed by many youth, it is a beautiful solution to the problem. But then there are the many youth, for whatever reasons and circumstances, who cannot get married at the moment.

So then what are we to do? Perhaps some of us don’t even bother trying, some gave up on the struggle, and maybe others turn to complaining about the fitna to each other. Although we should turn to our brothers or sisters for support or advice, there is a piece of advice the Prophet ﷺ gave us and it is exactly what we need to implement. The Prophet ﷺ did give us an answer, but perhaps we have simply overlooked it. 

“O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast, for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.” (Muslim)

The solution: lowering our gaze and fasting. Yes, both remedies involve effort, a lot of effort at times, but it is truly a means to purify the soul and really taste the sweetness of iman (faith), a means of protection in this life and the next insha’Allah (if Allah wills)! I heard of a brother who endeavoured to fast every other day until he could get married (so this went on for years and years!)—subhan’Allah (glory be to Allah)!

I know many of us have heard the virtues of fasting, but reminder benefits the believer and knowledge has a different sweetness when it manifests itself through actions:

Virtues of Fasting

1. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “You should fast, for there is nothing like it.” (al-Nasaa’i)
2. A hadith qudsi (narration that reports the words of God): Allah Ta’ala (Most High) says what means: ‘Fasting is Mine and it is I who give reward for it.  [A man] gives up his sexual passion, his food and his drink for My sake. Fasting is like a shield, and he who fasts has two joys: a joy when he breaks his fast and a joy when he meets his Lord. The change in the breath of the mouth of him who fasts is better in Allah’s estimation than the smell of musk.’ (Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi, Nasa’i and Ibn Majah).
3. Imaam Ibn Rajab said: “All deeds are multiplied ten multiples up to seven hundred multiples, except for fasting as its reward does not have a designated limit. Allah will multiply its reward abundantly without count. Fasting requires great patience and Allah says about patient people that which means: “Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account [i.e. limit],” (Qur’an 39:10).
4. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “Fasting is a protection.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)
5. It is reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said what means: “Every slave of Allah who observes fasting for one day for the sake of Allah, Allah will draw his face farther from Hell-fire to the extent of a distance to be covered in seventy years.” (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim)

Subhan’Allah! Truly Islam is the path to success in this life and in the Hereafter, and Allah is The Most Wise (Al-Hakeem) and Most Generous (Al-Kareem).

So let’s try it out—three days a month (3 days x 10 reward = like you fasted the whole month bi’ithnillah, with Allah’s permission!), once or twice a week (Monday and Thursday are recommended as per the sunnah, prophetic tradition), or over time you may grow to love it so much that you want to increase it even more (Dawud `alayhi salaam, peace be upon him, fasted every other day masha’Allah!). But for now, one step at a time.

When we increase our love for Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) in our heart, and race to do good deeds, our iman and attachment to the Hereafter will increase. It will become easier to face our daily challenges, ad face them in such a way that will bring us goodness in this life and the next. By the Permission of Allah (swt), we will have protected ourselves in this life and have accumulated many good deeds for our eternal life.

A few final tips to protecting our hayaa’ (modesty) in the face of temptations/desires:

Be Honest with Yourself

I know a sister who, despite trying to be modest in covering and in other respects, found it difficult to maintain modesty in her speech with brothers. She usually would end up in regret after reflecting upon how she had conducted herself. She recognized that the best thing for her was to just stay clear entirely and not get involved in situations that would necessitate that interaction (MSA, etc). She made this decision according to what was right for her. And while Islamic work at schools/universities can be beneficial, know yourself and know that it might not be beneficial at the expense of your iman. The message is not to abandon Islamic work, but to reflect on situations that you feel become problematic for you. Be honest with yourself and take protective measures (internally and externally) accordingly.

Be Inspired

The stories in the Qur’an, the Prophets and pious predecessors, have a purpose. They are like soldiers to support us, role models to learn and follow. Modesty was not prescribed solely for the Mothers of the Believers (may God be pleased with them) or only for women. Recall (or research) the story of Yusuf ‘alayhi salaam (peace be upon hjm) in the face of temptation. Recall (or research) the modesty of Maryam, the examples of the Mothers of the Believers and other Sahaabiyaat (Companions) (may God be pleased with them all).

Keep Busy

Aim to keep your mind and heart busy with the remembrance of Allah (swt), and/or put in your earphones and listen to Qur’an or a lecture while on campus. Find productive ways to spend your time as idle time can be a cause for people to stray—use your time to volunteer, fundraise, learn a new skill, memorize Qur’an, read books, help around the house, connect with your siblings, etc.

Ask Allah for Help

If you’ve fallen into this fitna, and are still breathing (which I assume so!), then it’s not too late to return to Allah (swt), to feel remorse, to repent to Him (Al-Tawwaab, Al-Haleem, Al-Ghafoor) and make amends.

If you are finding it hard, then let us admit our weakness to our Rabb (Lord) and ask Allah Ta’ala for help. We can ask in our own words, and in addition here is a du`a’ found in Sahih Muslim:

Allaahumma innee as’alukal-hudaa wat-tuqaa, wal-‘afaafa wal-ghinaa

O Allah, I ask You for guidance, piety, chastity, and self-sufficiency.

And know that if we slip up, we just need to turn back and repent to Allah (swt), and keep striving for His sake; insha’Allah you will be told in the Hereafter that your effort was indeed appreciated (Qur’an 76:22).

But as for he who feared the position of his Lord and prevented the soul from [unlawful] inclination, Then indeed, Paradise will be [his] refuge. (Qur’an 79:40-41)

I pray that Allah Ta’ala protects us from fitna in which ever form it takes, and that we are amongst those who are under the Shade of Ar-Rahman (the Beneficient) on the Day on which there is no shade but His, and I pray that we are called to enter the highest levels of Jannah (Paradise) through the gates of Ar-Rayyaan (for those who fasted).

Part I | Part II

Communicating effectively is essential for building a happy family.  Effective communication is a skill that should be acquired and practiced regularly because it reduces misconceptions and misunderstandings between family members and helps them avoid conflict.

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu `alayhi wa sallam – peace be upon him) advised us to be gentle, kind, compassionate, and lenient in our dealings with one another.  On the authority of Aisha (radi Allahu `anha – may Allah be pleased with her), the Messenger of Allah (saw) is reported to have said: “Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs.”  (Bukhari)

Successful communication strengthens the family bond and makes it less likely that issues will spill over into physical abuse.  Communicating effectively begins with the couple.  Regular, poorly handled conflict between parents is difficult on children.

Couples often fall into negative communication patterns if they don’t handle conflict well.  Negative communication patterns can tear marriages and families apart, leading to unhappiness and divorce.  Research has shown that negative patterns and behaviors have a much stronger effect on marriages than the positive ones.  It is estimated that in order to maintain a happy marriage, a couple must engage in five to twenty positives for every negative (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993).

The four main negative communication patterns are called the Communication Danger Signs.  Couples should prevent or change these patterns if they want to build and maintain a successful marriage.

Communication Danger Sign #1: Escalation
Definition: responding back and forth negatively so that the conflict increases

We often begin talking about an issue calmly.  Then someone says something to upset the other person, who then responds back negatively.  The calm conversation soon escalates into an angry argument full of hurtful comments, loud voices, and intense emotions.

For example, let’s say Sarah returns from a meeting and finds the kitchen to be a mess.  The following conversation might ensue:

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (getting upset) What do you mean I never clean up after myself?  I make dinner all the time, and the kitchen doesn’t look like this!  All you did was make a little bit of pasta!
Ahmad: (getting upset too, and becoming sarcastic) Of course!  You’re right; all I did was make some pasta.  I didn’t do anything else.
Sarah: (increasing in intensity) That’s right.  You never do anything else.  I have to do everything around here.  I don’t know what I got from marrying you; just more work and more headaches.
Ahmad: (hurt) Ok, then maybe you shouldn’t have married me!

When we allow arguments to escalate, we say horrible things to each other even if we don’t really mean them.  Unfortunately, some things we say can’t be taken back.  What’s dangerous in the scenario above is that Ahmad and Sarah began talking about the dirty kitchen and ended up questioning their decision to marry each other.    Because they were tired and stressed out, they let their conversation get out of control instead of hearing each other out and resolving a simple issue.

Solution: De-Escalate.

To change the negative pattern of escalation, do the opposite: de-escalate!

• Soften your tone. Change the way you’re speaking from harsh to calm and kind.
• Hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes or your husband’s shoes.  Try to understand where they’re coming from.
• Give up the need to win. Winning is not going to bring any benefit.
• Call for a time-out. Agree to talk about it at a later time when everyone is calmer.

So, what could Sarah and Ahmad have done differently?

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (softening her tone) Actually, I do clean up.  But I guess you’re pretty tired after work and dinner.
Ahmad: (calming down and acknowledging Sarah’s point of view) I am tired, but I know you hate a dirty kitchen.  Sorry for the mess.  Can you help me clean up later?
Sarah: Sure.  Thanks for making dinner tonight.

The goal is to stop the negative process before it erupts into a full blown, nasty fight.

Communication Danger Sign #2: Invalidation
Definition: putting down the thoughts, opinions, or character of the other

When we talk with our loved ones, sometimes we subtly or directly put down their thoughts, feelings, or character.  We disrespect them by calling them names, questioning their character, and de-valuing their opinions and feelings.

Invalidation can be subtle or extreme.  Examples of subtle invalidation include: “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” or “Someone’s feeling a little insulted.”  Examples of extreme invalidation include: “You’re such a loser” or “We should have you checked into a mental institution.”

Solution: Be Respectful.

The Quran tells us in Surah Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one’s] faith. And whoever does not repent – then it is those who are the wrongdoers. (49:11)

• Treat each other with respect. Give respect. Expect respect.   Remember the famous hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw): “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [al-Bukhari, Muslim]
• Listen and acknowledge the other person’s words and point of view. Even if you don’t agree with everything your wife or husband says, you must still validate their feelings.
• Do over. When you realize you’ve blown it and said something that hurt the other person, just say: OK, let’s do that over.  Immediately backtrack and talk about it in a different way.

Communication Danger Sign #3: Negative Interpretations
Definition: making negative and unfair assumptions about what the other person was thinking

Too often, we engage in mind-reading by making unfair assumptions about the other person’s intentions.  Instead of looking for the positives, we make negative judgments about the other person’s thoughts and behaviors, believing that they purposely meant to hurt us.  Because of negative interpretations we believe the worst instead of the best in each other.

We can do this in two ways:

1. Verbally: “You did not want my mother to come over, anyway” or “You couldn’t have cared less about what was important to me.”
2. Unexpressed thoughts which fuel our own anger: “She knows how much that bothers me, but she just keeps on doing it.” “He made me wait on purpose because he’s still angry about yesterday.  How immature!”

Sami engaged in negative interpretations when his wife Amena told him that she wasn’t sure they could visit his parents during Eid.  Amena was concerned about not having the financial means to cover the expenses of the trip, but Sami became extremely angry and assumed that Amena hated his parents and was trying to avoid spending time with them.

Interestingly, children learn to do this as well from their parents.  For example, when Omar hit his brother Musa, Musa said, “I know Omar did it on purpose!  It wasn’t an accident.”  Everything is seen as intentional and personal.

Solution: Fight Back (against Negative Interpretations).

The Quran also tells us in Surat Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful. (49:12)

• Assume the best, not the worst.
• Give the other person excuses. Give them the benefit of the doubt.  We all know the following saying: “Try to find up to seventy reasons for your brother/sister, and if you can’t, then say, “Maybe he has an excuse that I am not aware of!”
• Look for evidence to the contrary. Think of all the times the source of unhappiness didn’t happen or wasn’t true.
• Stay positive!

Communication Danger Sign #4: Avoidance and Withdrawal
Definition: unwillingness to engage in or stay with important discussions

Sometimes, we think it’s easier if we ignore the problem or end difficult conversations as soon as possible.  During a discussion, we might withdraw by getting up and leaving the room, becoming quieter and then not talking, or agreeing quickly to some suggestion without any intention of following through.  Sometimes, we might avoid the issue by preventing the conversation from happening in the first place.  We can do that by changing the subject, not being available to talk, or just saying the subject isn’t important to talk about.  Usually, one person pushes the issue while the other tries to avoid it or pull out if it.

There are some gender differences.  Not always, but most commonly, men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue.  Many men will abstain from discussing issues because they don’t want to get into a fight.  They will withdraw and try to get away, while women will “turn up the volume” and try harder to get a response.

For example, Halima walks up to her husband Yusuf and says, “I really want to talk to you about helping around the house.”  Yusuf tries to avoid the discussion and says, “I can’t talk about anything right now.  I have to leave to the masjid.”  Meanwhile, he’s looking for his keys.  His wife becomes annoyed and says, “You never can talk about it,  but I have to have some help.”  Yusuf insists that he can’t talk, so his wife becomes angry and begins to yell.  Yusuf becomes quiet and walks out the door.

Solution: Change the Cycle.

• Start a discussion gently and calmly.
• Don’t push the issue.  If the other person starts to withdraw, then….
• Set aside a new time for the discussion.
• Talk with each other about the fact that avoiding a problem won’t make it go away

In the example above, Halima might have approached her husband during a better time and could have said instead, “We have to talk about this sometime.  If you can’t talk about it now, what time would be better?”  Similarly, Yusuf would have been better off making time to discuss the issue instead of ignoring it, as the problem would most likely never disappear and instead cause resentment in his wife’s heart.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can change our communication patterns.

Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience.  How we choose to handle conflict will impact whether our relationships with our spouses and families are positive or negative.  During any type of conflict, it is helpful to do the following:

1. Recognize the four Communication Danger Signs:

• Escalation
• Invalidation
• Negative Interpretations
• Avoidance and Withdrawal

2. Stop.  Call for a time out.

3. Do something healthy to calm yourself down.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) provided us with the following strategies when feeling angry:

• Seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan.
• Change your position. As recommended in a hadith, if you’re angry while standing, sit down.  If you’re still angry, lay down.
• Perform wudu. As counseled in a hadith, “Anger is from Shaytan, and Shaytan is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water; so if one of you become angry, let him perform wudu.” [Abu Dawood]
• Remain silent.

4. Call for “Time In” to finish the discussion safely.

When we are upset, we often don’t share what we are really thinking and instead say something to win or hurt the other person.  To prevent this during a conversation, let us ask ourselves: “What is it that I want to accomplish?”  If our goal isn’t to resolve the issue, then engaging in the four negative patterns will work well in destroying our relationships.

However, if our goal is to strengthen our relationships and move forward positively, then we need to counteract the four danger signs with effective communication that will allow us to express our concerns to one another in a gentle and respectful manner

May Allah (swt) help us in communicating effectively, and may He strengthen our families

This material was adapted from the leading divorce-prevention/marriage enhancement program called PREP© (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), and the corresponding book 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman and Stanley.