By Louiza Chekhar

“It sounds to me like all we need to do is just… be normal?”

“That’s exactly it! It’s all about being normal.”

This was the exchange between a shaykh (religious scholar) and an attendee at a course in London last year. He and a fellow teacher had just spoken about how our community needs to become better at listening to, understanding and accepting others, and just how far a little compassion can go – a hug from a stranger was instrumental in the shaykh’s own journey to Islam. My fellow attendee had listened to these eloquent speeches and summed them up in two simple words: ‘Be normal.’

In fact, I have heard this lesson given several times, each in its own way. Imam Suhaib Webb covered it a couple of years ago in a lecture entitled ‘Be Human’. One of my own teachers in London gave a class on nasiha (advice) last year, telling us how it was part of the sunnah (tradition) of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) to know and understand people and their situations. This is why there are so many ahadith (prophetic narrations) on how to be ‘the best’ – “The best of you is slow to get angry and quick to cool down,” ((Tirmidhi)) “The best of you are those who are best to their families,” ((Tirmidhi)) “The best of you are those who feed others” ((Abu Ya’la)) … The list goes on. The Prophet ﷺ knew to whom he was speaking in each instance and what they needed to hear, and he gave advice accordingly. He once forbade a young man from kissing his wife while fasting, but gave permission to an old man to do the same, as he was less likely to become carried away ((Ahmad)) – he understood that different circumstances call for different measures.

These seem like really obvious points: that Islam, like the world, is not black and white; that apart from a few key, unanimously agreed-upon tenets of faith and practice, there are shades of grey in most areas; that the best way to relate to people and help them is to know them, listen to them, understand and care for them. Yet the same lessons keep being repeated for a reason – that people continue to act like the brother Imam Suhaib describes in his lecture, telling a newly-converted sister, about whom he knew absolutely nothing, that “her dress is cursed by Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).”

But why are some Muslims like this? Shaykh Hamza Yusuf once observed that many young extremist Muslims are trained in the sciences, in which questions have clearly definable right or wrong answers, rather than the arts or humanities, where ambiguities, differing points of view and multiple interpretations are deeply explored. In my experience, it is not just about academic studies, but cultural experience too. Despite living in the UK, some Muslims I know have grown up cocooned within their own micro-culture; they socialised only with others of the same ethnic and cultural background both inside and outside school, and were exposed only to the Islamic practices and teachings common in their parents’ homelands. They are some of the loveliest and most sincere people I know masha’Allah (as Allah has willed), but they are often shocked and uncertain about the way my family (mixed-race, with one convert parent) does things. Even though we are all living within the boundaries of Islam and what is halal (permissible), they find it difficult to accept practices outside of their own madhhab (school of jurisprudence), culture, or family’s way of doing things.

Hearing lectures, attending classes and studying the seerah (biography) of the Prophet ﷺ are all great ways to understand the necessity of ‘being human’ from an Islamic perspective – but these qualities of being open-minded, accepting and understanding should also be developed naturally, as part of our personalities and characters:

1. Study arts and humanities: If you want to study History, Literature or Sociology, go for it. These subjects teach us to see the same events, behaviours or writings from various perspectives, exploring the multiple ways they can be interpreted and the impact they have on different people. Parents: please don’t push your children into Medicine or Engineering if it is not their forte; we need more Muslims in the arts!
2. Make friends with a variety of people: Don’t stick to those from your own background – don’t even just stick to Muslims. The more we get to know different people, the more we realise just how beautifully diverse yet equally valuable Allah (swt) has made the world, accepting differences without shock or distrust: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colours.” (Qur’an, 30:22)
3. If you can’t do 1 or 2, read fiction: Some people are natural scientists, which is just as well, or we would not have any doctors or engineers! Equally, we are not all fortunate enough to live in culturally diverse areas where we can make friends of various backgrounds – but one thing we can all do is go to the local library and pick up a novel. As a child, I read books for hours on end, getting lost in countless fictional worlds. I saw inside the hearts of characters unlike anyone I knew in real life, learning to put myself in their shoes and view situations and experiences through different eyes. I travelled in my mind to far-away countries in which I have still never set foot, and grew to know and love these fictional people and places. I understood, accepted and appreciated them in all their diversity, cultivating a much broader worldview than my upbringing in suburban London alone could have given me.

Relating to others on a human level is crucial: in that class on advice, my teacher told us of a scholar who once refused to give him and a group of students nasiha even when they asked him to. He protested that because he did not know them and their situation or needs, he could not be sure to give advice that would cause more good than harm. I pray that we are all able to ‘be normal’, understand and accept one another, and live up to Allah’s (swt) vision for mankind: “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another,” (some translations add “not that you may despise one another”) (Qur’an, 49:13).

By Fatoma Rad

Ramadan Healing

Another Ramadan has come and gone. I have always tried to make each Ramadan better than the one before, but this is the year that Ramadan came and made a lasting impression on me. You see, these two years have been filled with some trying times for me. Before this year, I could not recall the last time I looked forward to a Ramadan, or the last time I felt a change during a Ramadan. This year, I started to prepare myself before the month even started, I started being brutally honest with myself and sought help from all those around me.

As weird as it may sound, asking for help of any sort from someone is something really hard and new to me. It was around the second week of Ramadan I noticed the change in myself. I have been raised to put others before myself, and this a quality I am glad that I have and something that I hope to continue to have. It is easy to put a smile on my face and tell everyone I am okay no matter what I am going through. But the problem came when I did not know how to properly help myself. I noticed that my own soul was malnourished.

When I Felt That Allah No Longer Cared About Me

From the way people treated me, from the way people spoke down to me, and the way I let people make me feel, and most importantly, the way I spoke to myself, I felt completely empty inside. I was at a new level of low where I not only felt alone, but the hardest part was that I felt that Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), had left me and that Allah no longer cared about me. This is a feeling I pray that no one ever experiences. I spent so many nights and mornings in a daze trying to figure out how this happened to me. But one thing that I forgot is that this did not simply happen overnight.

Something that I wish was encouraged more while growing up is that Islam is a social religion. Humans are not supposed to be left by themselves, or to have to deal with everything on their own. This is something that took me a long time to learn and to accept—how to accept help, and let others in. I still have not fully come to terms with this, I am almost always on guard, and it takes a lot for me to let someone in. I will go out of my way to help others, let others know that I love and care for them, but letting others help me, take care of me —these are feelings that are still new to me. And it was when I finally took the steps to start asking for help, reaching out and opening up to those closest to me that I finally started to realize that I am actually not hopeless.

My Road to Healing

Before Ramadan began, I started opening up a lot to one of my closest friends—may Allah (swt) preserve our friendship and preserve the other in our lives to always help each other out, and may He grant her the best in this world and in the next, ameen (amen). We were talking about Ramadan approaching, and I was telling her how I really want this Ramadan to be different. It took a lot to have those conversations, and in a way, we were both hurting and helping each other by talking about our feelings. This allowed me to confront other people and open up and seek help through others as well.

I have been hurt by many people in this world, whether it was verbally, emotionally or even physically; but none of it measured up to the pain I felt when I thought Allah (swt) was no longer with me. This caused an actual physical pain in my heart that cannot be described. The pain was sharp, constant, and draining, and in the months before Ramadan, those closest to me noticed it and expressed their concerns. I began praying for this pain to go away, and somehow in the second week of Ramadan, for the first time in a long time, my heart was at peace. I was telling my friend how for the first time in a long time, I felt happy, and it was not a temporary happy feeling, it was a feeling of contentment. I felt content with everything and felt a sense of optimism that everything will be okay. All of the problems and fears that I had, and still have, somehow do not feel as scary. It was at this moment that I felt healed, as if the month of Ramadan healed all the heartache, took away all my worries, and put my anxiety to rest. But it was the words of my friend that brought tears to my eyes when she said:

“It makes you realize that all of our du`a’ (supplications) are actually answered.”

Subhan’Allah (Glory to God). I stopped and just sat at my desk at work and let it sink in. I wrote it on a post-it note and stuck it on my wall by my desk. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be unto him) said:

“‘Any Muslim who supplicates to Allah in a du`a’ which contains no sin breaking of kinship, Allah will give him one of three things: either his du`a’ will be immediately answered, or it will be saved for him in the hereafter, or it will turn away an equivalent amount of evil (from him)’ The Companions said, ‘So we will ask for more.’ He replied, ‘Allah is more [generous].’” (at-Tirmidhi, Ahmad)

I have known of this hadith (narration of the Prophet) my whole life. I have told this hadith to others. But it was at this moment that my friend pointed out to me how my du`a’ came true that this realization came at me full force, making me realize how I was so blinded by all the wrong in my life, that I failed to realize that Allah (swt) was surrounding me with blessings at all times.

Taking a Step Back and Understanding

My favorite ayah (verse) is:

“Verily with hardship comes ease.” (Qur’an, 94:5)

Sometimes we have to take a step back to realize, that the tough moments in our lives, the bad moments in our lives, also have some good in them. Throughout these years, I noticed that when I felt alone, there would be strangers talking to me; randomly giving me words of encouragement, making me feel loved and sometimes these strangers would even hug me or give me a pat on the back. These tough moments, forced me to learn more about myself, to face the things that I have been running away from.

But it was something else that I learned from Ramadan, something that I should have tried harder to remember: The importance of community. Imam Khalid Latif once said, “The Companions were strong not because they were perfect but because when they fell they knew how to lift each other up.”

Who do you turn to when you can’t get up? Who are the people that help you up when you feel like you can no longer move? What do you do when you see someone hurting? Not physically hurt, but I mean when you see that pain and sorrow in their eyes, what do you do? Subhan’Allah, I have been blessed with strangers who have helped me up, sometimes physically helped me up, and it is their faces that have helped me through my darkest times. It is the individuals throughout that month who offered a hand, who sat next to me and made du`a’ with me, who patted me on the back and put an arm around me when they saw I needed to be physically held. This is the beauty of the deen (religion) that we need to see more of. This is the companionship and mercy that we need to keep with us not just in Ramadan, but throughout the year.

Final Thoughts

Ramadan this year healed me, from the moments I was able to talk and reflect with friends, community members and strangers, to the nights I felt my heart at ease and was able to talk to Allah (swt) as if He was right there in front of me. But I would like to ask you all, to keep the mercy, the love, the healing power of being a fellow brother/sister all year long. As someone who has benefitted so much from others, I would like to ask you all to please always be there for one another, and if you see someone who needs help, or just a smile, be there for them. Ibn Al-Qayyim radi Allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) said:

“Perhaps you might be asleep while the doors of Heaven are knocking with tens of supplications for you, by a poor person you aided or a sad person you cheered up or a distressed person you brought relief to. Therefore, do not underestimate doing good at all.”

Let us all try to be the one who is the reason that someone else is smiling, the reason someone else has hope, the reason someone feels loved. I want to let you know that your kindness can make a difference in someone’s life. It is that kindness that has made a difference in my life and I pray I can learn to pass that hope, love and compassion on to someone else.

“O Allah, I seek refuge with You from anxiety and sorrow, and weakness and laziness, and miserliness and cowardice, and the burden of debts and the oppression by men.” (Bukhari)

Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”

As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.

Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.

Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:

1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.”

Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.

2. “I will take care of myself.”

Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.

3. “I am not a perfect mother.”

Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.

4. “I will make my marriage a priority.”

Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.

5. “I will value my friendships.”

Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.

6. “I will prioritize family dinners.”

Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.