When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This is where the test actually comes from. It’s not the disillusionment with the community, the teachers, or yourself that creates the spiritual crisis, but how these factors come together and interact with your deepest beliefs about God. Consider how these points relate to one another:

• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?

This final installment will deal with the idea of disillusionment with God and the paradigm shifts that need to take place for the fog and numbness to be lifted. Ponder these two definitions for disillusionment:

1. A feeling of disappointment, akin to depression, arising from the realization that something is not what it was expected or believed to be, possibly accompanied by philosophical angst from having one’s beliefs challenged.
2. The act of freeing from an illusion; the state of being freed therefrom.

Disillusionment with God means we have false expectations from Him. We are expecting things from Him which He did not promise us. At the core, these expectations are illusions, lies that we have invested our faith in. The wonderful news is, once we have recognized the illusions for what they are, our faith can be liberated from them, and be more sound than ever before. Some of the greatest scholars in history have at some point experienced a great spiritual crisis, where they wondered if they had any faith left at all. They emerged from their difficult journeys stronger in faith than their former selves. A crisis of this nature can be a gift in disguise if we have the courage to admit and let go of the illusions, holding on ever tightly to The Truth.

The Qur’an reveals that moments of trial and hardship are when our thoughts about Allah subhanahu wa ta `ala (exalted is He) are most tested:

“When they came upon you from above you and from below you, and when eyes grew wild and hearts reached to the throats, and you were imagining vain thoughts concerning Allah.” (33:10)

The blessing in this moment of intense difficulty is having the opportunity to purify our hearts from vain thoughts about Allah we didn’t know we had. When thoughts about Allah are vain, there is nowhere to flee, nowhere to take solace, nowhere to place hope. There is no sadness greater than having wrong thoughts about Allah, and there is no happiness greater than knowing Allah as He deserves to be known, that is, as much as a human being can. Healing starts when we can come into a growing realization and appreciation of Allah’s greatness and perfection, and acceptance of our fallibility and imperfection. Healing starts with facing the lies.

In this case, perhaps the first lie is: All influential / prominent teachers of religion must be ethical human beings who live the message they teach.

The truth is, God does not owe us this. In fact, in the Qur’an, Allah (swt) describes the exact opposite: that false teachers have existed:

“Do you order righteousness of the people and forget yourselves while you recite the Scripture? Then will you not reason?” (2:44)

And the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) told us they will exist in the future:

“Towards the end of time, there will come people who will seek the world in the name of religion. And they will put on lambskin for the sake of appearances, with tongues sweeter than sugar and hearts like those of wolves…” (Tirmidhi)

Yet the presence of evil does not mean the absence of good. The Prophet ﷺ also told us good teachers will exist:

“The upright and just of future generations will carry this knowledge. They will repel from it the distortions of the over-zealous, the forgeries of the fabricators, and the misinterpretations of the ignorant.” (al-Bayhaqi)

When we let go of a lie, and hold on to truth, disillusionment turns into growth and closeness with God. All religious teachers are good. That is a false expectation. Yet, some teachers are. Ask Allah to guide you to a good teacher, from the ones the Prophet ﷺ said will exist. Allow your heart to trust Allah (swt) again, putting your faith in His promises, His guidance, not in your illusions and false expectations.

A second lie might be: I can’t trust God because I trusted Him before, and still faced so much pain.

This illusion is a bit more complicated. It’s based on the premise that if we worship God and trust Him, He owes us a painless life. When we trust God, repent to Him and worship Him, it does help protect and heal us from the pain of our own sins. But it doesn’t ward off all pain. To seek that is to expect Paradise on earth, another illusion. Everyone will face painful tests in this life—Muslim or of another faith, devout or not devout. It is a sign for all creation that this life is not the final home. Still, those who have a more developed relationship with God will learn to navigate that pain in a way where they also recognize and enjoy the relief/ease that is promised with it and grow into a more devout Muslim. We need to let go of the myth of a painless worldly life and develop a Qur’anic understanding of hardship.

Below are just a few verses that remind us of the nature of this life. Allah (swt) says,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to the patient.” (2:155)

“We have certainly created man into hardship.” (90:4)

“No misfortune can happen on earth or in your souls but is recorded in a decree before We bring it into existence: That is truly easy for Allah. In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like the self-deluded and boastful.” (57:20)

“Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease.”(65:7)

There are many more verses. They show us difficulty in life, even spiritual tests, are decreed by Allah and the very fact that we are facing a test is proof that we are able to bear it with faith and patience. We are reminded not to be so attached to good or bad fortune, but to seek only Allah (swt) throughout our tests. When He speaks about tests in the Qur’an, we learn that tests come to purify and perfect our faith through patience, obedience, gratitude, good deeds, and striving for Him:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tested?” (29:2)

“…Allah might test what is in your breasts and purify what is in your hearts. And Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts.” (3:154)

“…Had Allah willed, He would have made you one nation [united in religion], but [He intended] to test you in what He has given you; so race to [all that is] good. To Allah is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ.” (5:48)

“Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned.” (21:35)

“…And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others – will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing.” (25:20)

“And We will surely test you until We make evident those who strive among you [for the cause of Allah ] and the patient, and We will test your affairs.” (47:31)

All the pain we personally experience or see in the world is known to Allah (swt). It only makes sense to us when we maintain an eternal perspective of existence. He rewards the patient without measure in Paradise, in a way that only al-Shakur, the Most Appreciative, can. Justice will be served on God’s perfect time-table, not within the confines of this temporary worldly life, on our terms. To expect such reveals how much hidden entitlement might be embedded into our disillusionment. Imagine judging the entire story-line of a novel after having read only the first chapter. When we confront and let go of the illusions we live with, we free our souls from needing anything wrong or unattainable.

A related myth is ‘faith brings painful tests so to evade painful tests, I need to simply evade growing in faith.’

Your tests are decreed; faith will only help you navigate them better, lessening the pain not increasing it. The tests themselves are a purification and a mercy and while we do not seek pain, we also cannot escape *all* pain. Escaping all pain has its own drawbacks. It’s better to feel pain, and have a heart that’s still alive and functional, than to feel nothing at all, dead and empty inside. A healthy heart can also feel deep happiness and joy while a dead one might only be able to experience a superficial sense of pleasure, gone as soon as the stimulus is gone. We can reduce suffering through faith and professional help, but to eliminate pain altogether removes a crucial element of our humanity that allows us to feel all the other amazing emotions Allah has blessed us with. It’s a rip off, a bad deal; a transaction that leaves you with nothing.

A third lie is: We should be able to understand and predict everything God does and why He does it.

The truth is we can never fully comprehend God’s wisdom, greatness, beauty, knowledge, power, justice, mercy, etc. etc. If we could, He wouldn’t be God because understanding something is a form of limiting it, controlling it, and God cannot be limited or controlled by anyone. We can only grasp a tiny fraction of an understanding of what His Divine Attributes are and how they are manifested to us as human beings—and this tiny fraction exhilarates and elates us beyond measure. He does not owe us an explanation of anything and yet what He has given us through revelation and blessings is enough to suffice us if we switch the lens on our hearts. When we are about seeking truth so *we* may follow it, we experience intense appreciation which leads to humility. Life through the lens of appreciation instead of expectation is beautiful. Humility in front of God is freedom.

A fourth lie might be: God is non-responsive to us, far away, or has abandoned us.

This is an inverted assumption. A person might feel far from Allah (swt), but that doesn’t mean Allah is far from them. The truth is He is always closer to us than our own jugular veins. He is with us in every thought. We may not feel spiritually close always, but we know He is so close to us because He is God. Whether we feel it or not, our test is to obey. Do we do what we feel only or what we know to be true even when we don’t feel it? It is a test of integrity, of being *true* to God.

I could keep guessing at related lies, but instead let’s turn these lessons into a skill you use for yourself. I invite you to write down the lies, illusions, and false expectations you might have about God and instead seek the truths that are otherwise hidden by them. Research if you need to. Allow the rope of truths to bring you back. When we can grow to a place where we stop trying to fill a perpetually empty heart with wants, desires and expectations, and instead seek true fulfillment with God’s remembrance and glorification, in thought, word, and deed, the immediate spiritual crisis will have departed. When we can recognize false wants and throw them out of our hearts instead of trying to feed them, we move towards greater strength. Subhan Allah (Glory be to God), it’s easier said than done, but by Allah’s mercy and aid, it can be done.

Please remember: There is no sadness greater than having wrong thoughts about Allah, and there is no happiness greater than the heart’s capacity of knowing Allah as He deserves to be known.

Oh, Allah You are al-Haqq, the Truth. Allow us to face our lies, throw away the illusions, and hold onto You. You are the Only One who can fill our hearts with renewed faith, the happiness of knowing You, and seeking You above all. Let us not think of You except with what You are most pleased with. We can never know You as You deserve to be known. Let us know You and remember You as much as is humanly possible, as much as our hearts can bear. Help us to be with You and for You always. Ameen.

Disillusionment with the Community and the Self

Originally published at Safa Center

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The second level of disillusionment is with the community at large. Here are the aforementioned points that deal with this level:

• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

In other words, you feel like a total stranger within the Muslim community because you choose to take a principled position on this type of thing. You have the courage not to lie to yourself about the reality of what has occurred in front of you. At the same time, it feels horrible to be at odds with people who are supposed to be your ‘community.’ Ignorance—at least while it lasted—seemed more blissful than disappointment. For personal healing, just as it takes courage to stand for truth, it also takes courage to have a higher level of compassion and mercy toward those who are just not there yet, without compromising your own position of integrity.

When the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) died, this was truly the greatest test of our ummah (community). People simply did not know how to cope or deal with the news. Abu Bakr radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) as a true inheritor of the Prophet ﷺ directed people when no one else could: “Whoever worships Muhammad ﷺ let them know Muhammad ﷺ has died, but whoever worships Allah, let them know Allah lives and never dies.” The companions were in total disbelief and their pain needed guidance and direction for healing. You may need to take a similar position of wisdom and compassion in your community as an expression of your loyalty to truth. “Whoever worships the religious leader, let them know the religious leader is human and capable of great sin. Whoever worships Allah, let them know only Allah is absolutely perfect and only He is above accountability.” When you meet the defensive fan, the blind supporter, the aloof community member, or the complicit ally, realize that they are also part of the test but they do not all bear the same levels of responsibility.

Have as much compassion and mercy as you can for the fan, supporter, and aloof community member. You may have been exposed to the issue before them for a purpose. It’s not to condemn them, but to help them through dealing with the unbelievable, the depressing, if they are open to that lesson from you. If they are not open, be confident that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) will guide them from a source better than you if they are sincere. If they are not sincere, they are still in the hands of Allah (swt). Our job is not to control everyone or judge their hearts. It’s to invite everyone to a better way, in a better way. You cannot help a people you are disgusted with. You must return to compassion and mercy. Furthermore, you are disgusted with a people when you attribute the source of your ‘correctness’ to yourself.

If Allah (swt) had not favored you with the blessing of insight, you could have just as easily been the blind fan, even the complicit ally. Have compassion and mercy from a place of gratitude and humility with Allah– because Allah (swt) had compassion and mercy on you by letting you recognize falsehood as falsehood. Guidance is the true blessing, not ignorance. Let your sense of hope for progress come from your gratitude to Allah for everyone who does behave responsibly toward the situation including yourself. Always magnify the good in your mind and express it to Allah and magnify Allah’s infinite ability to help your community grow stronger through this test. Your eyes may have grown accustomed to the dark, but you won’t be able to see again unless you focus on the light, even when uncomfortable.

Recognize a fan in denial may accuse you of all sorts of horrible things. Realize that is their pain speaking. Don’t internalize it, don’t allow it to cause you to doubt yourself, don’t take it personally, and realize truth is always known in due time. Imagine Abu Bakr (ra) rising above that most painful situation, not taking to heart Umar’s threats to kill anyone claiming the Prophet’s death. Abu Bakr remained loyal to his responsibility in front of Allah (swt). Witnessing people reacting the wrong way does not mean the situation is “out of control.” The situation is always under control because Allah al-Qadeer (the Powerful) is ever present. Exercise your control over your immediate choices without fearing for what is outside of your scope of influence. Your responsibility is only to Allah (swt).

When it comes to compassion and mercy, the expression of that to the complicit ally is different. The complicit ally knows deep down what they are doing is wrong, but they may be in denial as to the heaviness of their crime. They are usually unfortunately opportunists who believe anyone they are close to is deserving of a different standard of treatment or they might just be cowards, fearing the famous and influential more than they fear Allah (swt). On rare occasion, they are actually just incredibly confused people because of the inability to negotiate the disconnect between their own gratitude toward the figure and the very harmful actions the figure is involved in. In any case, they actually need to see the failed religious leader held accountable to learn that crime doesn’t pay and there are no worthwhile perks to assisting powerful people who abuse their position. Depending on how complicit they were, they may also need to be held accountable in a public way. If their role was limited to silence, it may be that they hated it in their heart and thought that was enough. For the silently complicit, if deliberate support cannot be proven legally, I would leave them to Allah (swt) and pray for their guidance.

This seems like a lot of compassion and mercy for those who don’t deserve it, right? We don’t practice mercy and compassion because we have judged that people are worthy of it. We practice mercy and compassion because Allah (swt) loves for us to do so. This mercy and compassion takes different forms depending on the circumstance. Private mediation is best sometimes, while other times public accountability is required. If it’s coming from a place of mercy, it will naturally fall in the best place. We allow it to come from mercy and not revenge to liberate ourselves from residing in a place of continued suffering. Mercy in our hearts toward others is mercy toward ourselves.

Many times, when people find it hard to turn a soft heart toward others, it’s because they are also being extremely hard on themselves. They keep replaying their own mistakes and weaknesses in their own mind relentlessly without forgiveness. They do the same with others, which creates ‘hiqd’—the hateful grudge that is disdained in Islam. If you have hiqd towards others, you very likely also have it toward yourself.

This leads us into the discussion of the third level of disappointment, that of your own self. Here are the related points:

• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?

• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.

The first point is an illusion. It seems like you are not trusting other teachers, but in fact you don’t trust yourself to identify them. You are protecting yourself from your own perceived lack of judgment. Additionally, you blame yourself for being in this place of apathy and numbness toward learning and growth as well. The first two points are actually one and the same. You may be blaming yourself for not listening perhaps to the ‘bad vibes’ that warned you before about the religious leader, blaming yourself for being so gullible, for not being able to practice husn al-thann (thinking well of others / things / situations) properly. In essence you are saying, it’s your fault this happened to you and you don’t deserve the right to trust yourself again and make yourself vulnerable. As easily as you wrote the community off as being a failure, you’re also writing yourself off. The problem with this entire line of thinking is that it is framed so incredibly wrong.

Let’s reframe it correctly. Personal mistakes in judgment are not failures and do not mean you are not worthy of trusting yourself to trust others. Think of Google maps on your phone. You have a map with only so much detail on it until you zoom in. Difficult situations in life help us to zoom in and take note of where we are. If you take a wrong turn, you are redirected. In other words, your map gets upgraded. A wrong turn only gives you more information on what to look out for in the future. Maybe you find an app for an even more detailed map just to cross-check your chosen path or for additional features like nearby amenities, etc. that you didn’t have before. These are the many priceless lessons and fueling stations we need on the journey. When we head toward something we can’t find, the upgraded map allows us to change direction and find a better alternate destination. We are getting stronger, wiser, better, and are more prepared than before. You don’t need to throw away the first map altogether, you are simply upgrading, adding, and fine-tuning.

If you can retain the lessons, let go of the pain, and redirect your focus once more, you enter into a place of increased blessing and vision and are *better* equipped to trust yourself than you were before. So have mercy on yourself and recognize you didn’t fail, you simply upgraded your map. Our maps will need upgrades periodically throughout life, and it only makes us better travelers. Have mercy and compassion on yourself by trusting yourself as a stronger traveler. When you do so, you will be empowered to have mercy and compassion with your community as fellow travelers you hope to help.

In the fourth and last part of this series, we will deal with the final level of disappointment and disillusionment. Until then, I pray Allah makes us all ever stronger travelers on the path to Him. Ameen.