By Maryam Sakeenah

Some strains in contemporary feminism celebrate unfettered individual liberty, often expressed in a very physical sense – such as FEMEN’s bare-chested demonstrations for the feminist cause, among others. In a similar vein is the demand for women’s sexual freedom, expressed as the right to choose sexual behaviour without being judged for that choice. For many who sympathise with the feminist cause like myself, this message is disturbing. The problem with this is not that it is offensive to conventional patriarchal attitudes, but rather the problem is with regard to a deeper question of personal faith and values.

The question really is of individual choices and individual freedoms to make those choices. This idea of human liberty (or women’s liberty) is highly individualistic – a freedom to make choices that refuse to take into consideration any factor outside of the self and its interest; self-centred, selfish choices. This message is disconcerting for reasons beyond the gender debate.

In confining choice to the self and its narrow interests, we refuse to consider that choices are made in a broader milieu, and that our choices are inadvertently and inextricably interconnected to a host of other factors and elements outside of the self. This perspective on human liberty clashes head-on with the faith-inspired sensibility.

In the Islamic understanding, a requisite to accepting faith is a voluntary stepping back from the self’s desires, obsessions and impulses for a deeper personal liberation. Faith is an act of submission to a higher, more perfect, sublime Being beyond the self. It sets one free from the crippling bondage to the base, carnal and selfish; the material and the merely temporal. This liberation, for the believer, lifts the spirit onto a higher plane of consciousness where one becomes capable of acting impersonally, and altruistic choices become gratifying and heartening; one becomes capable of living larger than life. This is why throughout human existence some of the most extraordinary acts of selflessness and heroism have been inspired by some form of faith. At this level of consciousness, we become mindful of our relationship with our context, those with whom we share the planet and our lives, and the Giver of all life.

In Islam this individual consciousness, attainable through faith, has a communal dimension. It is the most basic element of a social order that aims at justice, equity and the sanctity of individual rights and freedoms intrinsic to all creation. To achieve this is the collective goal of the community. It requires regulation of personal conduct and the laying down of rights, duties and responsibilities towards oneself, the community and the Creator for a larger purpose, one that brings the greatest good for all and in turn impacts individual wellbeing. In this scheme of things, the exclusive pursuit of absolute and unrestrained individual liberty above all simply does not belong.

This is why the message that the choice of sexual orientation and sexual behaviour is a free individual choice is offensive to the sensibility rooted in the ethic of faith-based submission. It refuses to consider that human choices operate in a context that is not isolated from other lives, and that we are part of ordered communities based on and seeking to achieve universally accepted moral ideals – justice, public welfare, equity, rights and liberties, peace, prosperity and harmony. The message of complete and uncompromising personal autonomy with disregard for all other factors and considerations is actually a call to irresponsible action, moral chaos and anarchy.

On the other hand is the feminists’ tendency to pit women against men – a crass and peevish brand of feminism which again flies in the face of the Islamic concept of a beautiful balance and the genders being complementary rather than competing. According to the Qur’an, Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has created everything in pairs. Muslim blogger on women’s issues, Sameen Sadaf, explains: ‘Pairs symbolize sharing, unity, togetherness, complementarity and completion. The nature of this universe thrives on the complementarity of pairs. It celebrates the interdependent nature of both genders that beautify each other and by working together can they complete the task assigned to them by their Creator. Men and women together weave the intricate web of society in which women are the binding force who strengthen the exquisite fabric of human relationships.’

So much of contemporary feminism ironically reeks of patriarchy. The lived experience of motherhood, for instance, shows that the feminist enthusiasm for women in the workforce does not really pertain to the actual lives of the generality of women. Ironically, this is imitative of men – as if the pursuits beyond homemaking and family are the standard benchmark against which to measure the quality of our lives and struggles. It is as if the overwhelming and vital task of mothering and homemaking was somehow inadequate or less worthwhile.

For all that women suffer, the panacea is not asserting a mutinous, defiant individualism, but rather living to the full our multifarious roles as women within our respective contexts. It is pursuing common goals for the greater good, being active agents to promote values that subvert oppressive patriarchal structures and attitudes that maintain the suffering of women. The commercial media industry is one such oppressive structure that objectifies the woman’s body for commercial ends.

The debate around how we define and stand for human liberation as it relates to women borders on deeper fundamental questions about our deepest convictions. The advocates of the feminism that believes removing clothing or sexual adventurism is liberation should stop pretending that this is a voice or choice of all or even most women, or that it ought to be. To take that message or reject it is also a matter of choice that comes out of deeply embedded personal convictions.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This is the second part of this two part series for my fellow mothers to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order in to it. To read part one, please click here.

7. Have the Correct Perception and Keep a Good Perspective

I find much solace in the Prophet’s ﷺ (peace be upon him) supplication where he seeks that God grants him a true perception of reality: “O Allah, allow us to perceive the true nature of our affairs.”

اللهم أرنا الاشياء كما هي

It is truly a blessing to be able to know the reality of the world, so that we give things around us their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important, nor venerating what is worthless. When our perception of the world is aligned with the true understanding of the nature of dunya (this life) then our outlook at life is grounded in a reliance on Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). When we are afflicted with trying times, we are patient and find recourse through worship. When we are at ease, we are thankful and seek the pleasure of Allah (swt) through good deeds. The outward conditions of human beings are constantly changing and the best buffer to protect our hearts and ground our certainty in faith is beneficial knowledge. As mothers, we should seek beneficial knowledge to form and maintain a correct perception of the world and to adopt the correct and best perspective on affairs that affect our families. Beneficial knowledge incorporates both sacred knowledge and knowledge of the physical world. A believer can never divorce those two branches of knowledge from each other.

8. Seek Beneficial Knowledge

In this age of specialization, we often confine ourselves to one field of study. We fail to read and cultivate our knowledge at every level: be it spiritual or intellectual. Our need to be independent thinkers is weakened. “Read” was the first word revealed to our Prophetﷺ. He was ordered to seek knowledge embedded in both the Qur’an and creation. Creation in itself is like a book which harbors tremendous lessons and which promotes spiritual growth and an unceasing curiosity for learning.

Abu Hurayrah radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleases with him) relates that the Prophet ﷺ said, “For him who embarks on the path of seeking knowledge, Allah will ease for him the way to paradise.”

Beneficial knowledge is rooted in taqwa. (God consciousness).

“Be conscious of Allah [taqwa] and Allah teaches you. And Allah is knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

As mothers, we need the type of knowledge which will support our journey in raising a future generation. Personally, I take on many roles during the day: educator, counselor, advocate, caregiver and more! In other words, I am constantly trying to build my character, by seeking knowledge so that I assume those roles responsibly

This is by no means an easy task as relationships are problematic by nature. It is important to be patient, exercise judicious behavior and learn to choose battles wisely. Such responsibilities require that moms build character through an understanding of such qualities as giving good counsel, and enjoining good and forbidding evil. Seeking beneficial knowledge in a rapidly changing world, which harbors all kinds of moral “isms” and which also encompasses so much diversity entails that mothers keep up with current issues to their best abilities and make time to create an intimate relationship with the Qur’an.

اللِّهُم انّفَعنِي بِمَا عَلَّمتَنِي وعَلِّمنِيِ مَا يَنفَعنِي

The Prophet ﷺ used to say, “O Allah, benefit me with what You have taught me, and teach me what is beneficial for me, and increase me in knowledge.” (Al -Tirmidhi)

9. Converse with the Qur’an through the Stories of the Prophets

Set time aside to develop an intimate relationship with the Qur’an. Maintaining a close relationship with the Qur’an through a thorough study of the stories of the prophets has influenced my character in unimaginable ways. The language of the Qur’an is universal and addresses all human beings in their varying constitutions; that by itself is a miracle. Delving into the trials of the prophets and learning how they manifested humility, patience and gratitude empowers the believer to build a strong character, armed with knowledge and certainty. Furthermore, the relationship that the prophets had with their Creator Who chose them for a great mission but also nurtured them and prepared them for such a task sheds light on His infinite mercy. He is Ar-Rab, the Lord who nurtures His servants and continuously guides them through His light.

لَقَدۡ كَانَ فِى قَصَصِہِمۡ عِبۡرَةٌ۬ لِّأُوْلِى ٱلۡأَلۡبَـٰبِ‌ۗ مَا كَانَ حَدِيثً۬ا يُفۡتَرَىٰ وَلَـٰڪِن تَصۡدِيقَ ٱلَّذِى بَيۡنَ يَدَيۡهِ وَتَفۡصِيلَ ڪُلِّ شَىۡءٍ۬ وَهُدً۬ى وَرَحۡمَةً۬ لِّقَوۡمٍ۬ يُؤۡمِنُونَ

“There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding. Never was the Qur’an a narration invented, but a confirmation of what was before it and a detailed explanation of all things and guidance and mercy for a people who believe.” (Qur’an 12:111)

Prophets are exemplars to humankind and their stories are packed with lessons relevant to all times and places. It is our responsibility to approach the Qur’an with the intention to start a personal dialogue with Allah (swt)—through those stories—and to make the relevant connections to our times and life circumstances. More importantly, in those stories, we find all the values necessary to raise a righteous generation.

اللهم اجعل القرآن العظيم ربيع قلوبنا ونور صدورنا وجلاء همومنا

“O Allah, make the Qur’an the sweet spring of our hearts, the light of our breasts and the removal of our woes.”

10. Know that Faith is Experiential

It takes time to experience the different facets of belief. Each mother experiences faith differently, and her spiritual state will be more or less defined by her own cultural influences, educational background, and personality. The beauty of Islam lies in the fact that each one of us carries in her heart an understanding that God is personal, merciful and has perfect knowledge and full control of all affairs. Consequently, each mother should struggle in the ways that best befit the nature of her trials and always seek beneficial knowledge, which will increase her certainty and empower her own struggle.

I heard a sheikh once say, “Islam is bigger than Muslims,” in the sense that there is a place in it for all people with their diverse cultural practices, temperaments, weaknesses and strengths. We should be aware of this great quality of Islam, respect our own individuality, and find opportunities to learn and grow by sharing insights relevant to our unique human experiences while nurturing a strong sense of community.

اللهم ألف بين قلوبنا ، وأصلح ذات بينـنا ، واهدنا سبل السلام

“O Allah reconcile our hearts with love, resolve our broken affairs and guide us towards peace.”

11. Visit the Mosque

Salman Al-Farsi reported: The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever performs ablution well in his home and thereafter comes to the mosque, then he is the guest of Allah and it is a duty upon the host to honor his guest.”

As soon as I enter the mosque, I feel that peace and mercy have descended upon me. My host is generous, always ready to embrace me. It is usually a short visit but I am thankful for this feeling of solace and peace. I always leave uplifted as if the burden of the world has been removed from my chest. Whenever things get stressful, retreat for a short visit to the mosque.

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ فِي قَلْبِي نُورًا وَفِي لِسَانِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي سَمْعِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ فِي بَصَرِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ خَلْفِي نُورًا وَمِنْ أَمَامِي نُورًا وَاجْعَلْ مِنْ فَوْقِي نُورًا وَمِنْ تَحْتِي نُورًا اللَّهُمَّ أَعْطِنِي نُورًا

“O Allah, place within my heart light and upon my tongue light and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah bestow upon me light.”

12. Navigate your Way with Love

The basic binding force for any family is love. Tranquility, affection and mercy are the pillars through which marital love evolves. Eventually, this love grows to embrace all members of the family.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Despite the struggles and trying nature of relationships, a mother’s role in any form or shape, should always be channeled through the qualities of affection and mercy. Such qualities breed patience and provide a sense of safety and tranquility at home. A safe environment sprung from love breeds a confident young generation with strong moral principles.

وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَٲجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡيُنٍ۬ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’” (Qur’an 25:74)

Conclusion

The constant distractions and disorderly nature of the world can become challenging for mothers. An intelligent plan, which is constantly reassessed, modified and personalized, contributes positively to maintaining a sense of peace and calm. I have shared a few suggestions, which make up my personal plan and support my journey as a parent. Those suggestions are by no means comprehensive or work for everyone. Consequently, it is important for each mother to reflect upon her personal struggles and find the appropriate channels through which she can restore balance to her daily routine. However, to ensure a rewarding plan, I suggest that all mothers approach the world and their families through the lens of love and affection and dive into their maternal journeys with noble intentions and ample supplications.

By Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

Life is about the mundane for most of us moms. We wake up early in the morning to a strict schedule of school duty and chores. Many of us juggle between work and household duties, with hardly any support. As a mom, I am constantly looking for windows of opportunities to improve my condition and keep my emotional well-being in check. There are twelve suggestions in this two part series—for my fellow mothers—to break an unyielding routine and infuse some meaning and order into it!

1. Master a Skill

Human beings are created with different capabilities and means for ingenuity. It is important to realize those capabilities and cultivate them. I personally find solace and empowerment in writing, as I look forward to harnessing my intellectual energy into an orderly piece of work. Writing has proved to be a great outlet for me. Consequently, I advise mothers to tap into their hidden skills and experience a sense of worth by channeling them into purposeful activities. It is important to pursue and practice skills with the correct intention. Whether it is critical reading, public speaking, sewing, managing charitable events, organizing school activities, sharing professional expertise, or advocating for a cause close to her heart, each mother will find tremendous fulfillment in mastering a unique skill with the intention to create beauty around her and benefit others in her community. Involvement of any sort takes up time and requires that we are time conscious.

اللَّهُم أجعل أعمالى كلها صالحة ولوجهك الكريم خالصة وتقبلها منى ياربنا بقبول حسن

“Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.”Oh Allah! Purify my intentions so that I only seek your pleasure and accept my good deeds.

2. Be Time Conscious

Imam Shafi’i radi allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) is quoted to have said: “Time is like a sword: if you don’t cut it, it will cut you.” Time management is empowerment. It is of essence, especially in planning the course of the day and snatching those few minutes to discover our potential and to rectify our spiritual states. I find myself constantly multitasking, and I am exhausted towards the end of the day. Every mother needs time to take care of her physical and emotional wellbeing; otherwise, she will be overburdened with life’s stressors and eventually lose focus. Plan everyday for some physical activity and attempt to meet a simple goal for self-improvement. A planner always comes in handy, as well as a checklist of goals. More importantly, supplicating for a blessed day, in which time is not squandered and each minute is invested in what is beneficial, makes a big difference. Personalize your morning supplications to reflect your daily objectives. Pray for yourself, family, friends and community.

اللَّهُم اجْعَلْ أَوَّلَ يَوْمِنا هذَا صَلاحَاً، وَأَوْسَطَهُ فَلاحَاً، وَآخِرَهُ نَجاحَاً

“O Allah, make the start of this day amendment, its middle prosperity and its end success.”

3. Be Active and Healthy

Exercise is great in controlling anxiety and general fatigue. Whether it is yoga or walking, engage in the type of exercise that will keep you going for the day.

Being vigilant about diet is equally important. There is a lot of literature on nutrition but a good start is to cut down on processed foods and avoid sugar, except for what originates from fresh fruits and vegetables. The elimination of processed food is key to a wonderful boost of energy. Whatever you do, make baby steps and instill changes gradually. Major changes can cause us to lose interest quickly. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be unto him) said: “By the One in whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, the believer is like a bee which eats that which is pure and wholesome and lays that which is pure and wholesome. When it lands on something it does not break or ruin it.” (Ahmad)

The bee approaches the flower with gentleness, takes only the precious nectar, and gives pure honey. Similarly, the believer eats wholesome and pure food and takes his portion without conspicuous consumption. Buzz your way through a daily routine of clean eating, ample gentleness towards the environment, and lots of dhikr (remembrance).

اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَدَنـي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في سَمْـعي ، اللّهُـمَّ عافِـني في بَصَـري ، لا إلهَ إلاّ أَنْـتَ

“O Allah, make me healthy in my body. O Allah, preserve for me my hearing. O Allah, preserve for me my sight. There is none worthy of worship but You.”

4. Invoke Him through Dhikr (Remembrance)

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said, “ There is a polish for everything that takes away rust; and the polish for the heart is the remembrance of Allah.” (Bukhari)

It is out of God’s infinite mercy that He attached rewards to utterances, which exalt Him, even if the one remembering Him does not fully internalize their meaning. Ibn Atallah (ra) beautifully captures the importance of being consistent in remembrance regardless of the state of the heart.

“Do not stop mentioning God just because your heart is not present. Forgetting Him completely is worse than being inattentive (ghaflah) while you are mentioning Him; perhaps He will elevate you from being inattentive to being attentive (yaqatha), and from being attentive to being fully present (hudoor) with Him, and from being fully present with Him to being fully absent from anything but Him.”

“And that is for Allah not difficult.” (Qur’an, 35:17)

I keep a rosary in my car, invoke dhikr, and send prayers to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ any time during the day. Whether you keep count or not, do not abstain from remembrance.

Ibn Mas’ud reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “I met Ibrahim on my Night Journey. He said, ‘O Muhammad, convey the greeting from me to your community and tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, ‘Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.’” (al-Tirmidhi) It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi] nd tell them that the Garden has good soil and sweet water. It is vast and its plants say, “Glory be to Allah. Praise be to Allah. There is no god but Allah. Allah is greater.” [al-Tirmidhi]

سبحان الله، والحمد لله، ولا إله إلا الله، والله أكبر

5. Practice Conscious Contemplation

The Qur’an continuously reinforces the harmony that exists between man and nature. As Muslims, we are encouraged to seek the beauty in creation and ponder upon its signs.

“Have they not looked at the heaven above them – how We structured it and adorned it and [how] it has no rifts?” (Qur’an, 50:6)

“So observe the effects of the mercy of Allah – how He gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. Indeed, that [same one] will give life to the dead, and He is over all things competent.” (Qur’an 30:50)

With our fast-paced lives and continuous visual and auditory distractions, contemplation is a conscious effort, undertaken with the intention to unravel the meanings embedded in the universe. Some of us are exposed to beautiful geography while others seek beauty in natural occurrences. I have incorporated contemplation as part of a playground trip where I observe the beautiful hues of colors that decorate the sky at sunset and direct my child’s attention to the changes in the horizon. The cumulative learning experience is tremendous.

Contemplating creation provides great insight into the rhythmic patterns of nature, heightens the use of our five senses, elevates our level of consciousness and spiritual cognizance. It is an exercise, which drives the hearts to repentance and remembrance as God’s mercy unveils to those who ponder upon His signs.

“Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], “Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.” (Qur’an, 3:191-192)

رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَـٰذَا بَـٰطِلاً۬ سُبۡحَـٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

6. Be Grateful

I often have to adjust my perspective and remind myself to be grateful, especially when things get stressful. The disposition of the believer is that of gratitude. The benefits are abundance in provision, patience and optimism. This characteristic is important, because it continues to be eroded in a modern world, which is afflicted with consumerism and instant self-gratification.

AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) embodies the meanings of hamd (praise) and shukr (thankfulness) to the Lord of the animate and inanimate worlds. It leads to gratitude, which transpires through an acknowledgment that He is the only source of all blessing, through a conscious effort not to squander those blessings and an optimism, manifested in an active involvement to mend, improve and engage in good deeds. A strategy that works is to look at those less fortunate and occupy ourselves with charity work. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

“When you see a person who has been given more than you in money and beauty, look to those, who have been given less.” (Muslim)

Jotting down our blessings can be a great daily exercise, which awakens feelings of gratitude. There is nothing more precious for children than to be surrounded by a content mother who verbalizes and practices gratitude.

اللهمَّ لك الحمد حتى ترضى، ولك الحمد إذا رضيت، ولك الحمد بعد الرضا

“O God, all praise is due to You alone until You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone when You are pleased.

And all praise is due to You alone after You are pleased.”

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part I)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

The second chapter of the Qur’an, Surat Al Baqara (The Cow), includes the story of Prophet Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) from the beginning of creation through its unfolding phases. Prophet Adam (as) was the first of creation to take upon himself the role of God’s deputy on earth. God ordered him to depart from paradise only after He nurtured him and equipped him with the proper learning to assume such a responsibility. In the story of the creation of Adam (as) are many lessons for parents who seek to raise their children as the future deputies of God. By reflecting upon the stages and the process through which Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught a fatherless Adam and prepared him for deputyship, it is possible to identify a similar process by which parents can raise righteous children.

It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things. And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, “Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.” They said, “Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?” Allah said, “Indeed, I know that which you do not know.” And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, “Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.” They said, “Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.” He said, “O Adam, inform them of their names.” And when he had informed them of their names, He said, “Did I not tell you that I know the unseen [aspects] of the heavens and the earth? And I know what you reveal and what you have concealed.” And [mention] when We said to the angels, “Prostrate before Adam”; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, “Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.” Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful. We said, “Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.” (Qur’an, 2:29-39)

In this article, we allude to the aforementioned verses of chapter Al Baqara and bring forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as). In each verse are lessons, which carry tremendous meanings and which provide a simple blueprint for parents to follow. We sum those meanings into six lessons; the first three lessons in this first article and the last three lessons in part two.

Lesson 1

Establish family relationships based on trust starting in infancy.

“It is He who created for you all of that which is on the earth. Then He directed Himself to the heaven, [His being above all creation], and made them seven heavens, and He is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an, 2:29)

In the story of creation, Allah (swt) subjected all of earth’s provisions to the benefit of man and sustained the mechanisms which govern the universe so that His servant feels secure enough to strive in his new environment. He shaped the sky as a roof and prepared the earth to meet the needs of Prophet Adam (as) and his descendants. He created an environment, which man can successfully inhabit and cultivate. This is a great blessing and mercy from God as this preparation preceded the creation of Prophet Adam (as).

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: all that is on the earth means “all kinds of benefits that accrue to man from the earth and its produce.” Consequently, as Allah (swt)—Who is not bound by any obligation—prepared the earth, as a safe dwelling for Prophet Adam, man is obliged to prepare a safe environment, which meets the physical needs of a newborn. ((Please look at the appendage for more on the physical components that contribute to a safe domestic environment for the child. We touch on the four components mentioned in the hadith (tradition of the Prophet): The Messenger of Allah ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation” (Narrated in Ibn Hibban).)) Allah (swt) created this safe environment by providing Prophet Adam (as) with all the physical, intellectual and spiritual nourishment, which will help him struggle in His way. Furthermore, He housed him in paradise, his first home, a dwelling of peace, order and beauty, and it was in that same dwelling that He taught him the names of things. Allah (swt) is surely the nurturer and most merciful.

Undoubtedly, the presence of those qualities in infancy beautifies the domestic life and accentuates its sense of safety and stability as the child grows observing those qualities, internalizing them and eventually exhibits them in every aspect of his life. The importance of providing secure and stable environments in infancy and throughout childhood is key to increasing the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes, which are rooted in “trust.” Such outcomes are also the product of nurturing and “responsive” parenting skills. Western research on early development supports those views. (( Erick Ericson, a psychoanalyst, described the different stages of emotional development in children from infancy through adulthood. He explained that in the early stages of growth, infants form attachment bonds, which flourish in safe environments with responsive caregivers. “A critical emotional struggle in infancy is between trust and mistrust. Emotionally healthy babies come to understand that they have nurturing responsive caregivers who meet their basic needs. They come to view the world as safe and predictable. They enter into trusting relationships with caregivers and, later, with other human beings. Security is another word to describe this emotional state.” Trawick- Smith, J, (2010) Early Childhood Development [a Multicultural perspective] p, 170. Pearson Education. ))

Lesson 2

Allocate time to prepare the family for the arrival of a newborn.

“And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, ‘Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority.’ They said, ‘Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?’ Allah said, ‘Indeed, I know that which you do not know.’” (Qur’an 2:30)

According to Tafsir Al Tabari, Allah (swt) revealed to the angels that the purpose of Adam’s creation was to establish His commandments and rule with justice. To prepare the angels to meet Adam (as) and recognize his honorable status with His Lord, Allah (swt) delivered the news that He will establish a deputy on earth. According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary: “Allah did not mean to seek the advice of the angels, nor was there any need for it, but He, in His wisdom, gave a mere statement in the form of a consultation in order to teach men the advisability of mutual consultation.” Similarly, when parents communicate with family members about the arrival of a newborn, they strengthen family bonds and promote an environment of mutual respect. Furthermore, they instill the love necessary for that child to grow in a safe environment by showing gratitude and contentment, especially through the practice of `aqiqa (the sacrifice of a goat or lamb following the birth of a child). This practice, which is a confirmed Sunnah (the practice of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him) to the majority of the school of Islamic jurisprudence, facilitates the gathering of all family members and friends to bless and welcome the newborn in an environment tempered with love and joy.

Lesson 3

Educate the child through beneficial knowledge.

“And He taught Adam the names – all of them. Then He showed them to the angels and said, ‘Inform Me of the names of these, if you are truthful.’ They said, ‘Exalted are You; we have no knowledge except what You have taught us. Indeed, it is You who is the Knowing, the Wise.’” (Qur’an 2:31-32)

According to Ma’ariful Qur’an commentary, “Teaching Adam the names meant that Allah taught him the properties and qualities of all that exists, animate and inanimate.” According to the Shaarawy, the method through which Allah (swt) taught Prophet Adam (as) is identical to the one, which human beings still adopt, in teaching language. Adults begin teaching children the names of objects so that they are able to build meaning and share them. Therefore, knowledge is a gift from God so that man understands his physical environment and the divine laws, which he must follow, and then teaches those meanings to his descendants. ((Inculcating knowledge in a formal setting starts at the age of seven as Ali ibn Abi Talib, radiAllahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) advised us: play with your children till the age of 7, discipline and teach them from the age of 7 to 14 and befriend them at the age of 14 and over.))

Knowledge is of two types: knowledge of the sacred and knowledge of the physical world. To gain access to the beneficial knowledge in both types, it is imperative that parents are God-conscious since Allah (swt) is the All-knowing and He bestows knowledge upon those who are mindful of Him. It is this type of beneficial knowledge, which translates into good deeds and brings human beings closer to God.

“And fear Allah. And Allah teaches you. And Allah is Knowing of all things.” (Qur’an 2:282)

Consequently, Taqwa (righteousness; goodness) is the foundation for pursuing knowledge. Parents, who instill this quality in their children at an early stage, while taking into account their age readiness, abilities and diverse learning needs, are literally shaping the character of the future deputy on earth. Prophet Adam (as) experienced closeness to His Lord through that direct learning. In essence, Allah (swt) was his first teacher and He is the One Who taught and nurtured all His prophets and continues to do so with His believing servants. Our role, combined with the efforts of an effective and enthusiastic teacher, is indispensable in inculcating in our children the comparable knowledge which they need to struggle as conscientious and upright individuals in this world. Again, parents and teachers should impart knowledge in a safe environment and facilitate the necessary channels for the child to voice his opinion and seek further inquiry.

Appendage

In an attempt to provide a practical description of the basic needs of all infants for safe environments and domestic happiness, we will briefly touch on each of the components mentioned in the following hadith (narration). The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “There are four things that are essential for happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious home, a good neighbor and a sound means of transportation.” The Prophet ﷺ taught us that if we are aware of those four components then the likelihood of successful parenting outcomes increases (narrated by Ibn Hibbaan in his Saheeh).

1. The Righteous Wife

Religion is the comprehensive factor, which provides the moral framework, for all women, through which they can beautify their characters as independent and intelligent human beings and responsible mothers. The righteous wife raises her children to be morally conscientious and instills in them the values, which will help them carry their responsibilities as the future deputies of God. No wonder it was one of the components, which the Prophet brought to our attention and which will contribute to domestic happiness if present in the life of a newborn.

2. A Spacious Dwelling

And We said, “O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.” (Qur’an, 2:35)

Allah (swt) chose paradise as the first home for his first deputy Adam and He chose the essential characteristics that are most befitting for such a dwelling. Similarly, parents should arrange the newborn’s home to encompass those qualities of peace, calm and beauty, which are essential qualities of Paradise.

Abu Huraira reported that Gabriel came to Allah’s Apostle ﷺ and said: “Allah’s Messenger, lo. Khadija is coming to you with a vessel of seasoned food or drink. When she comes to you, offer her greetings from her Lord, the Exalted and Glorious, and on my behalf and give her glad tidings of a palace of jewels in Paradise wherein there is no noise and no toil.” (Muslim)

From the above hadith, we learn that paradise is an abode of peace and serenity where man does not tire or labor. Additionally, in paradise, Angels do not cease to worship their Lord and praise Him. Those Words of Praise were the first utterances that Adam (as) heard and worship was the first action, which his eyes encountered. By analogy, we can say that it befits parents to expose the unborn child to such utterances and to have his eyes encounter worship upon birth; thus, following in the footsteps of his father Adam (as). We also know the importance of supplication for a righteous child through Prophet Zechariah’s prayer (as) to Allah (swt) that He grants him a righteous child. Allah (swt) answered his prayer and granted him Yahya (as), who was born into a world of worship, while hearing his father’s perpetual prayers in the womb.

At that, Zechariah (as) called upon his Lord, saying, “My Lord, grant me from Yourself a good offspring. Indeed, You are the Hearer of supplication.” So the angels called him while he was standing in prayer in the chamber, “Indeed, Allah gives you good tidings of John, confirming a word from Allah and [who will be] honorable, abstaining [from women], and a prophet from among the righteous.”(Qur’an 3:38-39)

Finally, Prophet Adam (as) witnessed the beauty of paradise as a peaceful abode with spacious gardens filled with trees, streams and a gentle breeze. This beauty is a mere reflection of the beauty of the Creator and the deserving reward of the believers. Beautifying our environments is consequently part of our faith so are the blessings of order, tranquility and safety at home. It is the right of the child to feel that his home is his paradise as Prophet Adam (as) experienced this perfect dwelling first-hand. Consequently, the child leaves his home feeling an appreciation for such values and thrives to embrace them in all aspects of his life.

3. The Good Neighbor

Ibn `Umar and `Aishah (ra) reported: Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Jibril kept recommending treating neighbors with kindness until I thought he would assign a share of inheritance.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The Prophet ﷺ mentioned the good neighbor regardless of his faith because of his physical proximity. Neighbors seek help from each other and share joyful and sad moments together. A good neighbor influences our child in immeasurable ways. The child may see in him/her a good role model.

Al Hasan Al Basri (ra) was asked, “Who is a neighbor?” He answered: “Your neighbors are forty houses ahead of you and forty houses to your back, and forty houses to your right and forty houses to your left.” This hadith gives us an impression of how important it is to have a sense of community in our neighborhoods so that a child is nurtured in a compassionate and safe environment, where neighbors interact in unison. The Prophet ﷺ explains that state of unison when he brings forth the example of the strength, which is measured by the unity of the believers. The Prophet ﷺ said, “The example of the believers in their mutual love and mercy is like the example of a body. If one part feels pain, then all of it is affected by sickness and fever.”

Choosing the appropriate neighbourhood, which will give our children a sense of security and belonging, while exposing them to healthy social interactions, will surely enhance their social competence and emotional well-being.

4. A Sound Means of Transportation

A sound means of transportation, through which parents manage daily chores, is another factor which contributes to a family’s level of happiness and comfort. Each child has educational, physical and medical needs, and Allah (swt) has subjected transportation as a means to fulfill those needs. The concept of transportation today is not limited to the physical movement through the car or the plane but also refers to the journey which each child experiences through educational tools such as books, social media and the internet. Transportation whether through physical movement or an educational journey is an important tool in cultivating the child and exposing him to the reality of the world. Only after he is able to move freely will the child be able to internalize the nature of this life, understand its reality and grow up to fulfill his role as God’s deputy.

Allah (swt) brought Adam (as) into this world only after He taught him the names. “He taught Adam the names” so that he does not succumb to the fears associated with ignorance and He equipped him with the weapon of knowledge so that Adam (as) may make the world a better place. The freedom of physical and intellectual exploration, under the parents’ supervision, exposes the child to the beneficial knowledge, which he needs to understand his own world and consequently assign things around him their proper due, by neither negating the worth of what is important nor venerating what is worthless.

To my dearest daughter,

As a mother, there is so much that I wish I could teach you from my experiences. And I constantly worry that I will not be able to do so; that I will fail to teach you the most important of life lessons, getting caught up in the grind of everyday happenings. I also fear I will not be able to protect you from all the harms and hurts that will come your way. At times I wish I could build a shield, hug you tightly in my arms and never let you go. And yet I know that one day, this bundle of joy in my arms will grow up. She will leave the nest and go face the world. And I also know, deep in my heart, that every good, bad, ease, hardship, pain and joy that comes your way is not in my control and never will be.  All I can do is help prepare you for this journey we call life. So if there is one lesson I wish I could teach you about life, it is this:

Don’t let your source of happiness be the externals in your life. Rather, let your sense of happiness derive from the internal, that is, within yourself.

It is true; there are many external things that will give you happiness. Toys, new clothes and shoes, yummy food, mouthwatering desserts, vacations, hanging out with friends, love from your parents, a new room, a fabulous job, admission to a prestigious university, your life partner and your children. All these things will undoubtedly bring much joy to your life, insha’Allah (God willing). However, what one needs to realize is that all these things are temporary, and hence the pleasure they cause is also temporary. Those very same friends who brought so much laughter into your life may one day move away from you and get busy with their own lives. That cake on which you were happily munching will finish. That new room/house you were excitedly decorating will get old. That spouse whose words made your heart melt with joy will say words that will make your heart ache with pain. Those same people who were admiring and praising you yesterday will be criticizing you tomorrow. Those parents who showered you with love and care will also scold you, discipline you and one day, they will die, leaving you feeling broken and empty.

Such is the nature of this world. It is a roller coaster ride. The more your happiness depends upon places, things and people, the more disappointed you will be. Why? Because the very things upon which you are depending are temporary and imperfect by nature. So what should one do? Lose all hope and thrive on hopelessness? No, the answer is for us to have hopes in the being that is perfect, free from flaw, the ever-living, the best of helpers. And that, my dear daughter, is Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). He alone will help you when all else fails. He alone knows your fears and will remove those fears from your heart. He alone knows the number of teardrops you have shed and why.  He alone will respond to your calls whenever you call upon Him. He alone will love you unconditionally even when you have messed up. He alone will forgive you, even when you do not deserve to be forgiven. He alone will continue to care for you even when you have forgotten Him. He alone will heal your heart, when the world has broken it.

Whoever holds on tightly to Allah (swt) has held on to the best of handholds. Such a person will never feel lost, alone or scared.

Your strongest weapon in this world, my beloved daughter, is the light of iman (faith) in your heart. It is this light which should be your source of happiness. Trust me. You will be able to face all kinds of situations and circumstances, even the most difficult of them, with happiness and ease, if you make Allah (swt) your source of happiness. This is the path to ultimate peace and joy.

Photo: Morgan Stewart

There come those rare moments when, out of nowhere, and when we least expect it, something truly magical happens. Perhaps some of us are too wrapped up in the demands of our daily lives to actually notice those moments. But one way or another, whether we want to admit it or not, we all catch glimpses of dreams coming true, whether they are fairytale wedding nights or surprise birthday parties, a baby’s first step or a child’s heartwarming smile. They can even be as simple as a hug from the right person at the right time, or as grandiose as a moment of success under the spotlight. They can be moments of genuine appreciation from our loved ones, a kiss that melts souls and weakens knees, first days of school, rose-colored graduations, or a thought or an idea that boosts our minds and hearts with hope and energy, or the experience of true submission under the sparkling light of faith.

I was one of the lucky few to see and feel a truly magical moment. Here I am placing it lovingly in my cherished box of beautiful memories; the magical moment when my son became a part of our family and we were able to enjoy him for one whole hour.

When it happened, my daughter and I froze in place, mesmerized by the beauty of this unity. For 60 blessed minutes, each second was worth a lifetime of happiness. My son, who had been living with us for eleven years, blended with us that night. For the first time in a very long time we were finally a family.

I was able to answer his smart questions. I was able to cuddle with him and his sister on our couch and watch a movie. It was a new movie he had never seen before and yet he did not act up. He did not bang his head against the wall and he did not punch me in the face when I looked at him. He did not slap his sister or try to break the TV. He did none of that. He laughed and joked and told us how much he loves us. He walked to his room all by himself and fetched his blue blanket. All by himself he came back with messy hair and a big adorable grin that shined bright like a full moon on our lives. We were there to see it and feel it. We were there to enjoy that blessing that night. Although it might sound so simple and so normal, to me, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life: My eleven-year-old son was behaving like an eleven year old for the very first time.

There were no extra doses of medication or midnight calls to doctors. There were no fears of seizures, panic attacks or excessive drooling from excitement. I did not have to wonder how I would be able to manage tomorrow and how I was able to survive yesterday. I did not have to apologize to people around me and explain his condition to his sister over and over again. I did not have to hold back my tears. I did not have to shield everyone with my body from his sudden blows. Only then did I realize that something ‘not happening’ was the greatest, most amazing blessing of all.

The pleasant, normal side of my son was given to me as a gift that night. For one whole hour he sat and talked to us like a young man and then fell asleep on my lap like an innocent little baby. Just like that. As I saw the look on his sister’s face, absorbed her smile and her serene feeling of long lost security, I watched her fall asleep peacefully without fearing that her own brother was in the same room. My heart sang a beautiful lullaby that night that I had never heard before. I sat alone with both my children asleep in my arms, wishing I could hit the pause button and make this rare, magical moment last forever. The whole world smiled back at me as I basked in my newfound happiness.

For a brief moment, I was able to experience an occurrence of normal daily life. I did not think, not even in my wildest dreams, that something so simple could feel so glorious and fulfilling. Even when I knew deep down that come morning I would have to return my ordinary special gift, it was worth every magical second.

If only we could stop running just for a little bit. If only we could stop and appreciate those rare, ordinary moments that make our lives so extraordinary. If only we could stop chasing the unknown and take the time to absorb the beauty we hardly notice anymore: the sparkles in loving eyes, the moments of true understanding, the masterpieces made from cereal boxes and play dough, and the life-changing art drawn by little messy hands. If only we could allow those rare, cherished moments to invade our busy, empty lives for a little while, perhaps that is when our dreams will shine brightly in the night and we will finally realize that happiness is lined with appreciating the simple things in life that are ever so great.

Thank you, Allah Almighty, for allowing me to see what ordinary means. It is truly and magnificently extraordinary.

By Marwa Abdalla

I remember the joy I felt when my first-born daughter was born. The joy I felt when I saw her first smile, heard her first laugh, and watched her learn to crawl and then walk. Indescribable joy. However, I also remember sitting up in bed after putting her to sleep with a knot in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. My husband looked puzzled. “I just hate feeling like I’m not doing anything,” I said.  Not doing anything? He looked at me, even more puzzled, and said, “But you do so much, masha’Allah!” However, I wasn’t referring to the number of stories I had read or the spoonfuls of baby food I had offered. I was referring to the void I had inside because as a full-time mother, I felt unaccomplished, like I was selling myself short, because my contributions were not in the areas of life that society had taught me truly mattered.

I had chosen to stay home from work with my daughter because I sincerely felt that was what was best for her and for me. It was not an easy decision. Actually, it may have been the most difficult decision I had made in my life up until that point. And though I won’t go into the various factors my husband and I looked at in making the decision, I will say that many options were considered. After praying much istikhara (a specific prayer asking for guidance), I decided that not only did I prefer to be with my daughter, but that this was, in my situation, the way I could best serve Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) at that time. Days, weeks, and months passed, and I valued greatly the moments I had with my baby girl. As she grew, I felt very thankful to be able to witness her amazing progress masha’Allah. In my mind, I knew I had made the right decision.

But in my heart, I still often had these overwhelming feelings of sadness, shame, and guilt. Not “post-baby blues,” as some call it. No, this was something else. Until I had my daughter, I was a young woman who had, by the Grace of Allah, excelled both academically and in various leadership activities. In high school I had been voted “Most Likely to Change the World.”  Why did I feel now as a mother that I wasn’t doing anything as compared to when I was earning a professional degree or a paycheck?

I initially thought this was my own neurotic problem. However, I was surprised to find other mothers, those who stayed home and even those who went back to work or school, sharing the same feelings with the regards to the time they spent taking care of their children. “Oh, I’m just a mom,” one young mother said, almost embarrassed, when someone asked her if she was working. Just a mom? That’s when I knew something really was wrong—and it wasn’t just with me. Why did it seem so many mothers were struggling with their own self-worth and the need to feel “accomplished” in other areas of life as they raised their young children?

Allah Almighty tells us in the Qur’an,

“For indeed, it is not eyes that are blinded, but blinded are the hearts which are within the breasts.” (Qur’an, 22:46)

It seemed my heart had become blinded from celebrating motherhood, understanding its value and being proud of my role as a mother. I had become convinced (though I wasn’t sure what that conviction was based on) that my self-worth and value came primarily from my abilities to work outside the sphere of domesticity.  But how? I considered myself a well-educated woman, well-versed in American popular culture who, as a young adult, became a student of Islam. I certainly had not expected to have this battle waging inside of me. Moreover, I was surprised to find this was a battle fought in the hearts of many other mothers.

And so I pressed on, obsessed with understanding feelings I couldn’t always explain but determined not to see myself as just a mom. I wanted to celebrate being a mom and thank Allah (swt) for that blessing, not feel burdened, resentful and unappreciative. And so I read as much as I could on the topic, talked with other mothers, and I prayed to Allah for guidance, for I knew that only He could give my heart the comfort it needed. Then, only slowly, was the proverbial wool lifted—from both my eyes and my heart.

As human beings, we have many basic needs and one of those is the need for validation—the feeling that we are appreciated and are contributing somehow to those around us. Allah (swt) has given us countless ways of filling this need—through contributions to family, community and work, just to name a few. However, in the last hundred and fifty years, somewhere along the way between industrialization and the women’s rights movement, the contributions made by a mother to her family took the back seat to those made in other areas of life—the job of creating a home for a child and developing his or her capabilities became equated with “doing nothing” (Crittenden 2001). I realized I had been trained by society—even by many Muslims in society—to see the act of mothering, this noble act that has benefited humanity for centuries, as something trivial that I should be doing on the side, along the way, as an extra, and that my real importance was in how successful I was at other things—work, professional life, and community involvement.

British author, George Orwell, once said, “We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.”  As true as this may have been during Orwell’s lifetime—he died in 1950—it seems even more so in our contemporary discussions about motherhood. We need to re-train ourselves to see the obvious. Because it seems that hidden in all the political correctness that dictates our conversations about motherhood (after all, who in their right mind would dare say that women should be proud of taking care of their children!), a simple truth has been observed: A baby or young child needs a to be loved, cared for and nurtured by a person who is as invested in him or her as a mother would be. They need it as much as they need food, exercise and sunshine. It’s not just good for them, but vital. Whether or not people other than the child’s mother can fulfill this role is up to each family to decide, but I would argue that few true “replacements” are readily available for mothers. This relationship, more than any other, teaches humans the very care, empathy, and love that make us, well, human. Without it, we all suffer. That doesn’t mean that mothers cannot work. It doesn’t mean that fathers cannot be involved in a very real way in their babies’ and children’s care. Those are decisions each family must make for itself after evaluating its own unique circumstances. What it does mean, however, is that a mother who chooses to stay home shouldn’t feel guilty, as if she has given up her ability to make positive contributions to society. She shouldn’t feel like she is just a mother.

And so the end of this story is really the beginning: I now have three daughters, alhamdulilLah (praise be to God), and I am still re-training myself, despite what society may tell me, to see that I am a good woman, a successful woman when being a mother to my children. I am re-training myself to see that motherhood is not some oppressive job that I should necessarily leave to someone else. It is, in fact, a very commendable job for any woman who chooses it, and should be celebrated as much as any other role I take on in life. I am re-training myself to see the trials and tribulations I face as a mother not as effort wasted, but as opportunities through which to gain reward and draw closer to Allah (swt). And though I try my best to continue to grow at a personal level, and do hope to continue my career once my children are grown, I am re-training myself to live in the moment, to appreciate that the sometimes selfless things I do now to take care of my children are not going unnoticed or unacknowledged, for Allah (swt) sees and records all things. And lest I forget, I have simply to turn to the Qur’an and Sunnah, my compass and guide, which contain countless ayat (verses) and ahadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, peace be upon him) about the importance of mothers, and then simply pray that my heart continue to see the beautiful truth that exists there.

Bibliography:

Cook, Peter. Mothering Denied: How Our Culture Harms Women, Infants, and Society. Cook, 2009. 

Crittenden, Ann. The Price of Motherhood.  Henry Holt and Co. New York, 2001.

Muehlenberg, Bill. The Importance of Mothers, Accessed Online at http://www.billmuehlenberg.com/2009/05/05/the-importance-of-motherhood/, Jan. 2012

Staff Note: There were edits made to avoid any possible interpretation of an affront against Abu Sufyan, Hind, and Mu`awiyah (ra) as this was not the author’s intent; nor is this an accepted opinion by the scholars of this site.

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By Parisa S. Popalzai, PhD

One day I was speaking with a mother of five children about her life and aspirations.  After giving her a brief summary of my education and work experience, she slightly sighed when she said that she had to stop pursuing her college education to raise her children.  She described her role as just a plain housewife and mother as if it was something ordinary and unexciting.   Knowing how well-behaved and sweet all her children were, I was surprised that she was so quick to dismiss her great contributions to society.  Sadly I have met many mothers who have expressed such tones about their role as mothers and wives, wishing they had done something more interesting with their lives.  Moreover I have met other mothers who decided to put their careers on hold to raise their children and as a result felt a little disappointed that they were not able to pursue the career they spent years studying for. In each case, the mothers felt that while motherhood was an important role, they could be contributing much more to society if they were not hemmed in by the responsibilities of changing diapers, washing bottles and chauffeuring children from one activity to another.  However, most mothers underestimate the actual impact they have to social change and that what they do today with their children will affect the course of the future.

Unfortunately with our communities giving mixed messages to women about their role in society, it is not surprising to see such attitudes coming from the new generation of mothers.  Western societies tell us that freedom and honor for women are attained when she becomes an independent career woman, not shackled by the responsibilities of motherhood or even a stable marriage.  On the other extreme, our eastern cultures tell us that  a woman’s honor and value are derived the more subservient and quite she is, accepting her role as the servant of the home—cooking, cleaning and ensuring the home and family are well taken care of above her own needs, education, and development.  And yet some societies go to the extreme to call women a temptation and shame that need to be hidden in the dark corners of the home in order to prevent the spread of evil in society.  In between these two extreme philosophical view points, the Muslim woman knows that Islam elevates and values her unique role and contributions while respecting and safeguarding her specific needs and nature. In all spiritual aspects, she is seen as equal in the sight of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He) as indicated in the following verses:

“For Muslim men and women, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are patient and constant, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s praise, for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.” (Qur’an 33:35)

Yet regrettably in many societies including our own Muslim countries, women are still fighting for their human rights.  This mixed attitude regarding women has existed since the creation of the first woman.  In the Qur’an, Allah (swt) has shown us that societies’ views about women are often wrong and contradictory.  Speaking in regards to the Arab’s contradictory views on women—making her a Goddess on one hand and a source of shame and disgrace on the other—Allah revealed the following verses:

“So have you considered al-Lat and al-`Uzza? And Manat, the third—the other one? Is the male for you and for Him the female? That, then, is an unjust division. They are not but [mere] names you have named them—you and your forefathers—for which Allah has sent down no authority. They follow not except assumption and what [their] souls desire and there has already come to them from their Lord guidance.” (Qur’an 53:19-23)

Allah clarifies that what cultures attribute to women are usually man-made and incorrect.  Women are neither angels nor devils, but a creation of Allah (swt) from the same nature and source as man, with every ability for good and evil as he has.  Yet being the only one of the two who is able to conceive and give birth, the woman has a unique role and contribution to society that cannot be fulfilled by any man.

When Allah (swt) created Hawa (Eve, the first woman), He told Adam `alayhi salatu wassalam (may Allah send his peace and blessings on him) that Allah created his wife (zawja which literally means his pair or other half) with whom he was to live in peace and tranquility. Thus she is referred to as a source of peace and tranquility for the family and it was only after her creation that the first family could be started.  As such, her name rightfully alludes to her role as a “container of life”, for mankind could not reproduce without her.  Allah (swt) created the relationship of husband and wife to be interdependent and complimentary, with each partner being a garment for the other. Unfortunately with the passage of time, falsehood and injustice prevailed in the world.  Alas women’s gifts to society were slowly disregarded and ignored and she was not valued for what she brought to the world.

It was only after Islam that the tides turned and women were again becoming valued and respected.  In Islam, she was not only put on equal footing with men, but her exclusive role was also highlighted.  The Qur’an often mentions the pains of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing that woman endure to bring life to the world.  Therefore, Allah (swt) put the command to respect one’s parents right after the command to worship Him, and made a special mention of the mother’s sacrifices as described in Surah Luqman, Ayah 14:

“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.”

The status of the mother was further elevated by the oft-quoted hadith (narration) of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) which is cited in the Musnad of Ahmad bin Hanbal:

Mu`awiyah bin Jahima al-Sulami in which he came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah ﷺ (Allah bless him and give him peace) I desire to go on the military expedition and I have come to consult you.’ He (Allah bless him and give him peace) asked, ‘Do you have a mother?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘Stay with her because paradise lies beneath her feet.’

Scholars have shortened the meaning of the full hadith and reworded the last part to the phrase “paradise lies at the feet of the mother”.  Through this hadith, it is commonly understood that by behaving kindly and taking care of one’s aging parents, particularly for one’s mother, a person will attain paradise.  Like many verses of the Qur’an and hadith, however, there is deeper and additional layer of meaning associated with this hadith.  It not only highlights the importance of taking care of one’s mother and meeting her needs, but it is also acknowledges her strong influence on her children as she can be the source to guide them to paradise.  Furthermore, when Allah’s Messenger was asked who deserves a person’s greatest respect outside of Allah and His Prophet, the reply was one’s mother three times before one’s father.  This great respect for one’s mother is not unwarranted as she spends at least three-fourths more amount of time raising her children than the father and helps her children develop the characteristics to make them successful in life.

Reflecting deeper on the relationship of a mother and child, we know that the first nine months of the child’s life is exclusively spent inside the womb of his/her mother, completely interconnected physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  After birth, the child is still usually connected physically to the mother as she nurses her child for up to two years, and her child begins to learn from her speech and mannerisms.  Even after becoming self sufficient, the child spends more time with the mother who is usually the one who cares for the education, safety, and nutrition of the child.  Of course this is not the case for every family, but in majority cases, even with the advent of the career woman, the burden of the household and children fall 75% on the mother.  With such influence on a child’s development, a mother has a heavy responsibility to direct a child to a path that will make him or her successful in this life, but most importantly, in the afterlife.

This emphasis of mothers as leaders of the future Ummah (community) are clearly illustrated in the stories mentioned in the Qur’an and Seerah (biography of the Prophet ﷺ).  In the entire Qur’an, one will not find any negative attributes associated to the Prophets’ mothers, while on the contrary, one finds that Prophet Abraham’s own father died a disbeliever.  As the Qur’an lacks any information on Prophet Abraham’s mother, we can only assume that she was not like her husband and at least supported Abraham’s inclinations to rebel against polytheism at a young age.  We also know that both his wives were righteous women who mothered and raised great Prophets.  In the story of Hajar, we see that Ismael (as) replied to Abraham’s request to sacrifice him with “You will find me patient.”  These were very similar words of patience that Hajar said to Abraham when he was leaving her and her infant child in the middle of a barren desert.  Even as a single mother, Hajar was able to raise a son worthy of being a Prophet and to springhead the family line of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ by ensuring their family rights to the well of zamzam and the Kaaba.

Additionally, the stories of two other great Prophets start with the stories of their mothers.  The mother of Musa (as) was a righteous woman and was given inspiration directly from Allah (swt) to put him in the river only to be saved by another righteous woman, ‘Asiya, the Pharoah’s wife.  In his life, Musa (as) (Moses) was further supported by his sister as well as his wife.  Yet strangely there is no mention of his father.  Similarly, the story of Isa (as) (Jesus) starts not only from his mother, but his grandmother.  It is her prayers that were accepted by Allah (swt) when she gave birth to the mother of Isa (as).

“[Mention, O Muhammad], when the wife of `Imran said,  ‘My Lord, indeed I have pledged to you what is in my womb, consecrated [for Your service], so accept this from me. Indeed, You are the Hearing, the Knowing.’ But when she delivered her, she said, ‘My Lord, I have delivered a female.’ And Allah was most knowing of what she delivered,  ‘And the male is not like the female. And I have named her Mary, and I seek refuge for her in You and for her descendants from Satan, the expelled [from the Mercy of Allah].’ ” (3:35-36)

There are several lessons we can learn from the story of Maryam’s mother.  First of all, while both Mary’s parents were righteous, Allah (swt) highlights the iman (faith) and righteousness of Mary’s mother as she had a direct role in deciding how she was going to raise her unborn child.  At the time of conception, she was planning and praying for her child’s and grandchildren’s education, upbringing and safety, to the level of even choosing an appropriate name for her daughter and naming her Maryam, which means someone who abides to Allah’s will and worships Him constantly. The surah (chapter) named Maryam further shares details about Maryam’s upbringing.  She was sent to the temple to receive the highest spiritual knowledge under the care of Zakaria (Zachary).  She achieved such a high spiritual status that Allah (swt) praised her as the best of all women (3: 42) and provided her with sustenance straight from the heavens.  He then chose her for a special mission, to serve as a miracle and a sign for her society.

Furthermore, while the other Prophets’ mothers are not specifically mentioned, we know that Yusuf (as) and Ben Yameen (as) had the same father as their ten other brothers but a different mother.  As such, their characteristics were far different than their older siblings.  Even  our beloved Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, was cared for by his mother and two foster mothers (Halima and Barakah) for the first six years of his life.  While his own mother died when he was young, Barakah (an Abyssinian slave woman whom the Prophet called Ummi—my mother) stayed and supported the Prophet and his  family even beyond her death.  He was also cared for by his uncle’s wife and the mother of Ali, Fatima bint Asad, whom the Prophet ﷺ also called mother. As such, we can see that the mothers of Prophets were not ordinary women.  They themselves had a high status in their respective societies; they had impeccable character, purity, and honor; they were wise with strong iman (faith) and goodness; they contributed their time, wealth and energy for performing good deeds; and most often, they were highly educated, as was the case of the best woman in the world, Maryam, mother of Isa (as).

On the flip side, the Qur’an speaks of the case when a child disbelieved in his father who was a Prophet of Allah.  As Nuh’s (as) wife is described as one of the two worse women who betrayed her husband (Qur’an 66:10), it is not surprising that her son would also follow in his mother’s footsteps in disbelieving in his father’s message.

Through these examples and illustrations, a connection can be drawn between motherhood and prophethood.  These are the only two professions that are described in the Qur’an as difficult and requiring an enormous amount of patience, endurance, and unselfish love.  While a Prophet has the role to educate and guide the contemporary society to the truth, the mother has the role of ensuring that her own children are rightly guided and educated.  Given the heavy responsibility of bringing life to the world and raising her children for the sake of Allah, Allah (swt) did not burden women further with the role of prophethood, military expeditions, or financial responsibility.  Yet the Prophet ﷺ indicated that by caring for her husband and their children, the mother is equal to the role and rewards of a ruler guarding the country’s interests or a husband providing and guarding his family’s interests since without the mother’s care, the latter two would probably not have achieved their own positions:

Ibn `Umar (May Allah be pleased with them) reported: The Prophet ﷺ said, “All of you are guardians and are responsible for your subjects. The ruler is a guardian of his subjects, the man is a guardian of his family, the woman is a guardian and is responsible for her husband’s house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your subjects.”
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

Thus we can surmise that in almost all of the historical accounts of great men and women, there is usually an untold story of a wise, strong, and loving mother. The stories of the Sahaba (Companions of the Prophet ﷺ) also demonstrate this.  Sumayya radi Allahu `anha (may Allah be pleased with her) was not only the first martyr of Islam but she was a strong mother who raised her son Ammar to be among one of the first people to accept Islam.  While little is written about Hazrat Abu Bakr’s mother, we know she was called Umm Khayr (the mother of goodness) and the Prophet ﷺ made a special prayer for her to become Muslim. Almost nothing is written about Umar Ibn Khattab’s mother, yet we know he had an idolatrous and cruel father.  Yet Umar became one of the best Muslims after accepting Islam, unlike his father.  And Hazrat Ali’s mother was one of the first to accept the message along with her son, while her husband Abu Talib died without pronouncing Shahada (the declaration of faith).  Fatima bint Asad loved and took care of the Prophet ﷺ while he was living with them as a young orphan boy and the Prophet ﷺ called her mother and named one of his own daughters after her.  When she died, he placed her in her grave with his own hands and used his shirt for her shroud, showing mercy and love to her as she showed him when he was a child.

Another famous story is that of the grandmother of Caliph Umar bin Abdul Aziz, who became a wise and righteous Caliph after the four rightly guided Caliphs.  His grandmother was a milkmaid’s daughter who refused to adulterate the milk with water in the absence of the Caliph’s presence, saying if the Caliph is absent to witness it, Allah is not.  Upon learning of her high moral character and faith, Umar ibn al-Khattab married her to his third son Asim, saying about her “such a girl would become a great mother. Her integrity is not to be weighed with few coins; it is to be measured in the scale of national values. I shall offer her the highest award in my gift, which shall also be in the highest interest of the nation.”

While history books unfortunately ignore to mention the day-to-day sacrifices of parents who raised the great men and women of their time, we all know that people do not achieve greatness in a vacuum.  They had to learn to walk and talk like each one of us, and those initial early stages of their lives set the stage for their greater achievements and characteristics later.

More contemporary examples of the connection between mother and child include Stalin and Hitler.  At an older age when Stalin asked his mother, “Why did you beat me so hard?” Stalin’s mother replied, “That’s why you turned out so well.”  While her intentions were to have him become a priest, her own actions as an adulteress and also living in a broken and violent family situation led Stalin to go on a different path.  A similar case was with Hitler’s mother and father, which started with adultery and poor parental role modeling.  Yet these two infamous men were close to their mothers who were their main caretakers as their fathers passed away or left early from their lives.

Furthermore, in my personal experiences working with parents and children, I see that children’s behavior resembles much more their mother’s behaviors than their father’s.  I also personally know of people who had embraced Islam, but later turned away from Islam fearing what their mother would say if she found out.  Her influence and the fear of her disappointment were so great that they gave up Islam for her sake.

Thus, we see the strong influence that mothers have in their societies.  Recent studies have also shown that there is a direct link between a mother’s well-being and education to a child’s well-being and education. Thus if a mother has a good upbringing and is well-educated, she will raise a child who is also well-mannered and educated.  Thus the Prophet ﷺ has said that one who raises their daughters well and educates them will enter Paradise, as she will grow up and become a mother who will continue that barakah (blessing) in the form of raising her own children with the proper education and iman.

Adab, which is the etiquette and manners of goodness, respect, honesty, and integrity, is first and foremost taught by the mother.  Consequently, a child who sits at the mother’s feet—as young children often do—will also follow in her footsteps.  Thus, she can be a source of guidance or a source of misguidance depending on her own nature.  For this reason, the Prophet ﷺ advised that when a Muslim man is seeking a wife, he should marry one who has sound aqeedah (creed) more than fixating on her beauty, status, or wealth as she will be the mother of his children and the future generation of believers.  Even with a non-Muslim mother, a Muslim needs to show respect and love since she has taught him something of value that has allowed the person to recognize and embrace the truth of Islam.

Like the archers in the battle of Uhud, mothers have a crucial yet sometimes unexciting job of protecting the Ummah from the stealth enemies.  If a mother leaves her station unprotected, chasing after the booty of this life, her children can fall prey to the media propaganda, peer pressure and other worldly distractions.  Mothers have always been the backbone of societies and their disintegration means the disintegration of the future Ummah.  While the term “mothers of the believers” refers to the Prophet’s wives, in general all women have the potential of fulfilling the role as a mother of a believer.  If a Muslim leads even one person to the path of Islam, his/her place is in Jannah (Paradise).  Imagine the countless Muslim mothers bearing the good fruits of tomorrow. Thus, it is because of her suffering and sacrifices that she is forgiven every sin when she brings a child into the world, or earns her martyrdom if she were to die in childbirth or nursing.

In conclusion, while men and fathers strive to lead the current generation, mothers serve as leaders of the future generation. Consequently, if we want to foresee what the future ummah will look like, we must observe the state of today’s Muslim mothers.  If our ummah is serious about ensuring a better and more hopeful future, we need to first ensure that our current Muslim mothers are receiving proper support, security, education, and respect to do their jobs well.  When educated Muslim mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts and friends help in raising believing and practicing children, it is then that insha‘Allah (God willing) the next generation will be blessed with leaders and scholars such as Imam Bukhari and Aisha bint Abu Bakr (ra).  So when any woman discounts her role as a mother, I would like to reminder her that she is the leader of the future of Islam and that she is responsible for laying the road towards Paradise for the children at her feet.

About the Author

Parisa  S. Popalzai is an education consultant and author.  She earned her BS in Management Science at UC San Diego with highest honors, her MBA from the UCLA Anderson School of Management, and her PhD from the UCLA Center of Near East Studies with a focus on Islamic Studies, public policy and education.  She helped with the development of the non-profit organization called Los Angeles Universal Preschool (LAUP) and worked on the California statewide initiatives for preschool education.   She was a principal of a large Islamic school in Southern California, helped start a university in Jalalabad, Afghanistan and a school for disabled children in Kabul, Afghanistan.

It’s ancient wisdom that our actions speak louder than our words—or when it comes to our children, our screaming.  As parents, most of us are seeking advice on best parenting tips so that our children listen to us and follow our values and ideals. However, time and again we are telling our children one thing and doing the opposite ourselves.  For example, we shout to our daughter “be quiet!”   We tell our son to “play nicely” as we snatch the toy out of his hand and slap him in the rear.  We ask our children “why are you not listening?” but when they want to say something, we say “shush, I am talking”.  No doubt parenting is one of the hardest things we’ll have to do in our lives, but for sure it is not easy being a child receiving such mixed messages either.  There are ample good parenting books out there with all sorts of parenting advice.  Some are easy to follow and others are not so instinctive.  Yet, in all those books, none claim that there are any shortcuts to parenting.  On the other hand, taking shortcuts to raising young children can have detrimental affects when they are older.  Our children are sponges learning from their environment, thus it is important that we also let our actions, more than our words, be their teacher.

As a parent of two young boys, I have sought out the advice of the experts through interviews, books, research studies as well as reflecting on parenting advice from the Qur’an and Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him).  Based on experience and research, I now have no doubt that our children learn everything from us, whether good or bad. Thus, if we scream, hit, and belittle our children or even other people such as our spouses, parents, teachers, or waiters right in front of them, we are modeling and reinforcing to them that those behaviors are acceptable.  But how will children learn to be patient, loving, and kind when the only thing they experience is the opposite of that from those whom they love the most?

One major form of learning is through imitation. From the beginning, humans have discovered and progressed through imitation of their environment. As such, one can simply define a “culture” as a group of people who have decided to use the same words, etiquettes, norms and rules to relate to each other and the world. In essence, what people in any culture are doing is imitating each other.  Imitation is also the most common tool for teaching others. For example, a math teacher first explains a concept and then must demonstrate it in practice before the students learn it fully.  Then these students imitate their teacher by implementing the math rules they learned.

Unfortunately, what people learn at a young age, especially from their parents, is very difficult to unlearn as an adult.  We are reminded about this in the Qur’an, when it mentions the difficulty the Prophets of Allah `alayhum assalatu wassalam (peace be upon them) experienced in extolling their societies to worship the one and true God.  Their people balked at the message, using as one of their excuses that they would not leave the religion they found their parents following.  The influence parents have on their child is so strong and at such a deep subconscious level that even the most logical of arguments will not persuade even the most seemingly rational adults.  Isn’t this true for our own selves?  Don’t we unconsciously use the same parenting techniques our parents used, even if we know it may not have been the best form?

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ understood human motivation and learning styles very well.  At his farewell khutbah (sermon) on Mount Arafat, he reminded the believers that he has left behind him the Qur’an and his Sunnah, and anyone who adheres to them would not err.  Thus the Prophet’s Sunnah is the demonstration of the Qur’an which he has modeled to his Ummah, as the Qur’an by itself may not be fully understood by all.  Recognizing that people will do exactly what he did in his life for generations to come, even to the level of imitating how he dressed and ate, he was very careful about each and every one of his actions and words. With all his actions, the Prophet ﷺ not only considered his current generation, but also the future ones.  For example, at Ta’if, he not only refused to seek revenge against those who hurt him out of his kindness and mercy with the hope for the progeny of the townsfolk, but also because he did not want to make it a precedence for Muslims in the future to take revenge on towns that did not accept the message of Islam.  Also, when requested by his daughter Fatima to be given a slave to help her around the house, he replaced the slave with words of dhikr because he did not want any part of his sunnah to indicate a sanction for slavery in Islam.

As such, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was very mindful of his relationships, especially with children.  Rather than tell children what to do, he would show them through his own actions.  When teaching his young helper, Anas Ibn Malik radi Allahu ‘anhum (may Allah be pleased with them), the value of giving “salaam” (greeting of peace), the Prophet ﷺ made sure he was the first to give the “salaam” to Anas.  When he wanted to teach a young man to lower his gaze around a pretty girl, the Prophet ﷺ moved the boy’s head away from the view of the girl with his hand rather than say anything reprimanding or embarrassing.  When he wanted to teach children to be loving and kind, he would rub and kiss their heads and say a kind word to them. When he wanted to teach respect, he would stand up and give his seat to his daughter Fatima when she would visit him.  He actually said very little to the children around him.  He let them learn through his example as he knew that made a much greater impression on children than complicated words they may not quite understand or appreciate at their age.  The Prophetic model of guidance had a tremendous effect on the children around him.  Until the age of 103, Anas ibn Malik would still recall his time with the Prophet ﷺ, and made sure he practiced those lessons himself.

These are some anecdotes from the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ which highlight the importance of modeling the behavior we want our children to follow.  While it sounds difficult to be on our best behavior all the time around our children, it is much easier than the constant battles and frustrations we normally experience with them. Thus when we do or say something, we must first ask ourselves whether we would like our child doing or saying something similar. If not, then we should not do it ourselves, or at least not in front of them.

We sometimes forget that children’s needs are not much different than adults’ needs.  As Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) indicates in the Qur’an, the difference between any one of us is the knowledge and wisdom we have gained.  Prophet Isa (as) was wiser at infancy than all of the people of his time due to the knowledge he was given.  Hence we have to think of our children as people who just started their jobs as humans.  Whenever we start a new job, we would appreciate someone giving us an orientation to the work.  I think we would agree that most of us desire and appreciate a kind and understanding boss over a strict and stern one.  While we will eventually learn the job, the difference will be how we feel about the work, our boss, and the company.  We are much more likely to try our best and stay longer at a company that has a kind and caring supervisor than a callous and authoritarian boss.  Similarly, our children will eventually learn as they grow up, but how they feel about us will be based on our treatment of them.

We also should be aware that children start learning from the day they form their senses in the womb.  So we should not underestimate their learning abilities even as infants, and keep in mind that the younger our children are, the easier it is to teach them correct behaviors and manners as there is less “unlearning” to do.

While this model of parenting has been around since the time of the Prophet ﷺ, in recent times it has been coined by child development experts as “positive discipline”.  Similar to the Prophetic tradition, experts now recommend that parents and teachers should guide and model the positive behaviors for their children. When a child says something inappropriate, rather than telling them not to say such a thing, we should model the appropriate way to say it.  For instance, when my son says, “Yuck! I hate bananas!”  I simply say to him, “it is better to say, “no thank you, I do not want any bananas.  I prefer to eat apples.”  Then I don’t force him to eat the banana if he expresses himself so nicely, but give him what he asks for so that he learns to communicate his wants and desires in a more appropriate way. Furthermore, rather than shouting commandments at children, we should actually use and model the words we want them to use.  For example when I tell my son to get down from a chair, I can either threaten, “Get down from the chair now or else!” or nicely say “Please get down from the chair, you will hurt yourself.  Thank you for listening to your mommy who loves you.”  It is not astonishing that I get a positive result from using the latter.  Also by thanking  my sons before they do something makes it much harder for them to keep doing what they were doing, and simultaneously they learn to say please and thank you when asking for something.  Similarly, by adding facts to why you are asking them to do a task, they will recognize and appreciate that you are trying to help them and not just boss them around.  For instance, when asking them to do something they don’t like such as brushing their teeth, you can simply tell them “Please brush your teeth.  Your mommy doesn’t want those sugar bunnies (germs) to eat your teeth at night and have you lose all your teeth.” This argument works well with my three year old who really detests brushing his teeth.

On the flip side, a typical discipline program of “do not” has less of an affect as it is a common human reaction to act opposite of that which we are not allowed to do. The best illustration of this is when Allah (swt) told Adam (as) ”not” to eat the fruit of the tree and the first thing he did was eat it.  Therefore, we should try to formulate our statements to our children around what we would like them to do rather than what “not” to do.  For example, a child should be praised for all the good they are doing so they are encouraged to keep doing it. Even if they are not doing it often or well, we should praise them for being the child we would like them to be by setting that as a goal for them to try to achieve. For instance, I often tell my young boys “I am thankful to Allah (swt) for giving me such a wonderful child who listens to his mommy and daddy and is nice to his brother.”  By doing so, they are more hesitant to do something that will make me think less of them after I have just praised them so highly.  However, if I constantly reminded them of their mistakes, they are more apt to just ignore my degrading comments and think it’s useless to do any better, particularly if I already have such a poor view of them in the first place.  This will put in their minds an easy excuse to keep disobeying or being defiant.

In the case of our children, love does conquer all.  The amazing thing is that no matter how many hugs and kisses and “ love you’s” we give our children, we cannot spoil them with it.  Quite the contrary, it makes them more trusting and loving to us and others. And the best part is that we are also getting rewards by following the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ who told a father who never kissed his ten children, “whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.”

Of course in Islam, everything is done in moderation.  We must still be the parents and there are times when we have to shout if it prevents them from hurting themselves such as running across the street or sticking their finger in the electric socket.  There also times we are tired or having a bad day, so we take it out on our children. We are humans too.  But these are the opportunities when we teach our child the value and importance of saying “I am sorry”. By apologizing to our child when we make a mistake, again we are modeling the behavior we want to see in them. Surprisingly this increases their love and respect for us, because we have shown our love and respect to them enough to say I am sorry and made them feel like a valued part of the family.

One last important note regarding children is to never promise anything to them we cannot fulfill, or to lie about anything to them or about them, including little white lies (i.e.  their age to get a free Disneyland ticket).  If we lie to our children or in front of children about small things, they are less likely to believe us on more significant matters such as the importance of prayer.  Thus, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ warned a mother to fulfill her promise to her child to whom she promised a sweet, otherwise, she would be seen as a liar in her child’s eyes. Building a relationship of trust with our child is crucial, especially as they get older and their problems get more complicated.  InshaAllah (God willing), our children will find console in us rather than their friends when they need advice or help with their problems, but we must build that space for them to open up and it’s hard to do that when they cannot trust us to tell them the truth.

In summary, if we catch our child mirroring one of our actions or sayings, it is a good reminder that our actions are our child’s teacher, whether we want them to be or not.  If we use our actions as teaching tools by consistently modeling and demonstrating behaviors we want our children to follow, it will not only benefit them, but it will also benefit our own personality and spirituality as well.

Parisa S. Popalzai is an education consultant and author.  She has earned her BS in Management Science at UC San Diego with highest honors, her MBA from the UCLA Anderson School of Management and her PhD from the UCLA Center of Near East Studies, focusing on Islamic Studies, public policy and education.  She has over 20 years of working experience with large and small companies, non-profits and schools.  She helped with the development of the non-profit organization called Los Angeles Universal Preschool (LAUP) and worked on statewide initiatives for preschool education.  She was a principal of a large Islamic school in Southern California, helped start a university in Jalalabad, Afghanistan and a school for disabled children in Kabul, Afghanistan.  Currently she resides in Riverside, CA with her husband and two boys and Is working on a few book projects.