Everyone knows the story of the Ansar (Helpers) and the Muhajirun (Emigrants). The Muhajirun were the exiles, the original companions of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be upon him) who risked life and limb to stand for truth and justice; who left homes, families, loved ones and the sacred city itself to avoid persecution at the hands of the enemies of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). These are individuals who broke ties of kinship in a society where kinship was all that mattered, and who chose Allah (swt) and His Messenger ﷺ over the material world.

And of course the Ansar were the ‘Helpers’, the country folk of Yathrib, many of whom accepted the Prophet of Allah ﷺ while not having yet seen him. They were the magnanimous hosts of the Prophet ﷺ and the Emigrants, giving away not just portions of their annual income, but swathes of farm land—sources of income—to their new brothers and sisters. They gave away the shirts on their backs, and displayed the genuine love that comes with true hospitality. They were the people of the City of the Prophet ﷺ, medinatun-nabi.

Praise for the Muhajirun and the Ansar is easy to come by, and so it is only natural for us to seek lessons from these beautiful people.

Who might today’s Muhajirun be? Obviously there is no hijra, or emigration, in the technical sense. However, there is a population among us who might resemble, to perhaps a lesser degree, the experience of ‘exile’ of those elect among the early Muslims. In our own cities, be it at university or the local masjid (mosque), we meet new reverts every day. We hear their stories of the spiritual struggle that comes with the pursuit of Islam, or ‘submission’. We hear of the family ties that may have been strained or severed, of the friends that were lost and of the Islamophobic insults that became their new reality. We shed a tear, laugh and cry with joy, hug them, welcome them and kiss them. We teach them how to pray, how to say Arabic phrases, and even how to make wudhu (ablution). We tell them that if they need anything, to “please let us know!” But after a while, a new convert is not so new anymore. They are forgotten, and often left to get by alone. We don’t see them at the (insert: Arab, Pakistani, Indian) ______ mosque anymore. “I wonder why? Must be down to weak iman (faith). Oh well.”

Compare this to the response of the Ansar.

These helpers welcomed in the truest sense of welcoming, for as the Ansar teach us, welcoming does not end after the ‘shahadah’ (declaration of faith) ceremony. Welcoming is not this initial easy part—anyone can teach a new Muslim how to make wudhu (we have a thing called the internet now!). Anyone can hound a new Muslimah with “hey, you’ve been Muslim for two months now – isn’t it time you put on a hijab?” Nay, this is the easy part. What is difficult, what is truly ‘Ansar-like’, is to open up our homes—nay, our hearts, to a new revert. Some people say, ‘Hey, they’re part of the community now. They’ll fit right in in no time!’ This tragic response doesn’t account for the hijra many new Muslims have just made. It doesn’t account for the breaking of long-established relationships with unaccepting family members, or the breaking of old habits. Our Muhajirun don’t need religious advice, they need human support and friendship for human problems and struggles. Next time a new Muslim enters Islam, don’t just hug them and usher them in, swallowing this newest justification for your wavering faith in Islam. Be a true Ansari by welcoming them into your life: invite them to your home, invite them to your gatherings, invite them into your circles.

Maybe we too can be among our spiritual forbearers!

“And the first forerunners [in the faith] among the Muhajireen and the Ansar and those who followed them with good conduct—Allah is pleased with them and they are pleased with Him, and He has prepared for them gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide forever. That is the great attainment.” (Qur’an 9:100)

By Roz

‘Why do some things in life not work out the way you want them to?’ said the boy.

‘How do you know that was what you really wanted?’ asked the girl.

The boy momentarily froze. This had never occurred to him. If he got what he wanted, it made him happy. If he didn’t get what he wanted, it made him sad.

The boy looked at the blue lake in front of him. A gentle evening breeze rippled across the water disturbing its clarity. He turned to look at the girl—his sister. She seemed deep in thought. She looked peaceful and he could see the reflection of the pool of water in her eyes. Here he did not see any ripples in the water. It seemed clear.

‘How would I know that?’ he asked her.

‘How would I know that?’ she repeated, but now it was a different question. She wanted him to find the answer himself. The boy frowned at her so she just smiled, and the boy decided he’d think about it.

Some time passed with the boy deep in thought. It was a warm evening. A dragonfly buzzed past, its wings shimmering with the light of the setting sun. Across the lake a loud family of Myna birds glided home to the comfort of their nests, now being gently warmed by the last rays of the day.

A thought seemed to flash across his mind and he rested his face between his hands. Whatever it was it seemed to weigh down on him.

‘If what I want is not really what I want then how would I ever know whatever it is that I want to be the thing I really want…?’ he thought aloud.

‘Well, you see, that’s the beauty of it,’ she replied.

He shook his head, let out a loud exasperated sigh and ranted, ‘It is confusing, befuddling, perplexing, highly irritating, and my brain cells are on the verge of contemplating riot against me and you thinks it’s beautiful?!’

‘And it’s making my head ache,’ he added for good measure.

‘Okay… let me ask you something, little brother. You might find it a bit strange.”

‘Go on…’

‘What do you find beautiful?’

He looked at her incredulously and decided not to reply. Either he was thinking or had deemed the question as most absurd and ignored it completely. It was getting dark now. The sun was now hidden behind trees across the lake. They could hear the chirping of the insects and an owl hooted somewhere in the distance.

She smiled at him, ‘All right, I’ll choose something and we’ll both agree that it is beautiful for the sake of argument.’

‘It’s a sunny day and both of us return home after going for a walk through the trail in that forest, not far from our house. We go in and sit in the living room and decide not to take our sunglasses off. Madagascar, the movie, is playing on TV. It had been really sunny so we had chosen very dark-tinted sunglasses. Enter Mort. Do you know Mort?’

‘The big-eyed cute thing?’ he said, amused at the choice of character to take stage.

‘Yep, the big-eyed cute thing,’ she laughed. ‘Now we still haven’t taken our sunglasses off and the movie is in 3D. Mort comes on TV but we don’t recognise him to be the cute cuddly thing everyone knows and loves. It all seems blurry. Unclear. And dark.’ She looked at him. He was listening attentively. She continued, ‘Do you see the problem? We cannot appreciate Mort for the cuteness he is because there is a problem in the way we’re looking at him.’

She turned so that she was facing him directly. He was listening intently, patiently waiting for her to carry on.

She smiled at him and continued, ‘Reality is, mostly, not as we perceive it to be. We view it through lenses painted by our current state of mind. There are many shades of interpretation and sometimes we need to change the lenses with which we view the world. We will not understand the wisdom behind every moment in time unless He blesses us with the ability to discern between what is reality and what is, in reality, a figment of our imagination.’

The sun suddenly appeared through a break in the trees. It had almost disappeared behind the horizon but it treated them to a brilliant display of color; the world basked in the golden hue of the summer sun.

He furrowed his brows, ‘So how would we know what we really want?’

‘Well, that’s a bit harder to know, and it takes quite a bit of work and effort,’ she said letting out a long sigh.

Everything seemed quiet. It was as if the whole world was listening. Even the boisterous little Myna birds had stopped stepping on each other’s heads. The Myna mum and dad looked pleased.

After a brief pause she continued, ‘You see, what we understand depends on the state of our heart… So the better I make myself the less cluttered my heart will become, and the more clear my view of the world and the better I would understand things.’

‘You see, no one can ever be sure that their heart is at its best. I remember hearing once that if you think your heart is safe then that’s probably when it’s at its most vulnerable state and sometimes the furthest away from being good—because you are being arrogant.’

He thought about it for a while, ‘So… what I need to do is to try and make sure that I keep my heart at its best and put my trust in Allah to help me to see everything for what it really means. And He will help me to realise what it is that I really need.’

Her face broke into a wide smile, ‘No one loves you more than Allah. No one cares for you more than Allah. No one knows what is best for you except Allah. Even we don’t know what’s best for us most of the time. But He does—always. He knows what is best for you, when it’s best for you, where it’s best for you and in what way it’s best for you. All you need to do is just hand it all to Him and He’ll take care of it all and give you, without doubt, what is best for you.’

He pulled a face at his sister and grinned—something he always did when she made him see things clearly. She smiled at him and beckoned him to look at the lake.

The water was now clear.

Your website gives a lot of info on domestic violence, defined as abuse between couples, but what about child abuse? Do you have any articles or resources on that? I really need them. I suffer from PTSD, ADD, depression, and anxiety because of intense physical abuse and emotional neglect. Can you please help me? I have a therapist who is very good and also spiritual, but he cannot provide for the Islamic component.

Answer: 

Child abuse can be a form of domestic violence. According to the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), child maltreatment is defined as:

“Any recent act or failure to act on the part of parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm.”

Child abuse includes non-accidental physical injury, neglect, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Although any of the forms of child abuse may occur separately, they often occur in combination. ((Prevent Child Abuse: http://www.preventchildabuse.org/about_us/faqs.shtml))

In the United States, each year more than one million children are confirmed by child protective services to be victims of child abuse and neglect, and every day, a minimum of three children die as a result. Violence in the home is a major factor that contributes to child abuse and neglect. ((Lung, C. T. and D. Daro. 1996. Current trends in child abuse reporting and fatalities: The results of the 1995 annual fifty state survey. Chicago, IL: National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse.))

Islam is very clear about the importance of establishing peaceful and healthy family relationships. The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) taught us to be gentle with children, and there are numerous examples from his life that demonstrate his love and compassion for young people. For example, we know that he would greet his children affectionately, play with them, and listen to them.

Unfortunately, child abuse and neglect can lead to a variety of mental health problems, as you’ve shared with us. The good news is that you are seeking therapy. A therapist does not have to be Muslim to help you heal, but it may help to provide your therapist with information about your faith and share resources about Islam and mental health.

You may find some of the following articles/websites helpful for yourself and your therapist:

Child Abuse and the Muslim Community:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2010/06/27/child-abuse-the-muslim-community/

Forgiving Your Parents & Learning to Move On:

http://mentalhealth4muslims.com/2012/04/29/forgiving-your-parents-learning-to-move-on/

Project Sakinah: http://www.projectsakinah.org/

Peaceful Families Project: http://www.peacefulfamilies.org/index.php

FaithTrust Institute: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/articles/Advocating-for-Muslim-Child.pdf

Counseling Muslims: http://www.routledgementalhealth.com/counseling-muslims-9780415988605

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

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