Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.  

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit. 

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

 Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Question:

I have a question about the moods and hormones of women and how men should handle them. I feel depressed sometimes without reason or I feel low, but my husband gets angry with me. Then if I complain a bit or get angry with him that he isn’t giving me enough time, he gets angrier saying that I fight with him, that I’m making his life miserable, and that my mood swings are abnormal. Please help me. We have been married for two months now, and I feel that my husband doesn’t realize what women go through and how he should respond to me.

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling highly emotional and you are frustrated that your husband does not understand the challenges you face with mood swings. Researchers have found that mood swings in women can be due to chemical imbalances or hormonal changes around the menstrual cycle or pregnancy.

Generally, women feel emotional upheaval between five to seven days before they begin menstruating. Women respond differently, but the dramatic hormonal changes occurring in a woman’s body can cause physical pain as well as emotional changes, such as sadness and anger. Women may also feel more irritable. During this time, husbands should be understanding and sympathetic. Being dismissive of a wife’s feelings during this time is unproductive and can cause further conflict between the couple. Wives must also be cautious about how they treat their husbands and not resort to verbal assaults toward their spouses. Mood swings are not a “free pass” to be disrespectful and hurtful to your spouse or anyone for that matter.

Some of the reasons you may be feeling depressed at times could also be because of the changes you are experiencing as a new bride and because of the possible stressors you are experiencing in your newly married life. If you are feeling depressed for extended periods of time and are having mood swings constantly, you may need to consider visiting your physician to determine if there are other factors that are contributing to the variability in your mood. If you are taking birth control pills, you may want to consider the impact they are having on your mood swings. Physicians can discuss alternative birth control prescriptions and other types of contraception.  You should also discuss with your physician the possibility of pregnancy. If mood swings are dominating your life and you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions, you will need to seek help from a mental health provider who can help you stabilize your mood through medication and/or therapy. Therapy can help you address the stressors that are impacting your mood and teach you helpful ways to manage the feelings you are experiencing in this new stage of your life. Understanding why you have mood swings and how it impacts your relationship is important for you and your spouse to consider while you regain your feelings of steady emotional wellbeing.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.