The beauty of this perfect deen (way of life) that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has blessed us with is in its details. There is an intricate system of protection for the personal space of the believing man and the believing woman. There are additional safeguards built into an Islamic society for the privacy of couples. These commandments were given at a time when most of the homes in the city of Medina did not even have doors. Flimsy curtains covered the entrances to the homes but the hearts were shrouded in the love of Allah (swt) and His Messenger ﷺ (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).

In Surah Nur, the etiquettes of a Muslim society are outlined. We must greet the people of the house three times and seek permission to enter and if we receive no response than we should leave without taking offence. The Prophet ﷺ went so far as to say that do not stand directly in front of the door when you knock so that you might glance inside by accident. According to Thauban, a freed slave of the Holy Prophet ﷺ, the Holy Prophet said: “When you have already cast a look into a house, what is then the sense in seeking permission for entry?” (Abu Da`ud). There is an additional layer of privacy that is granted to the people within their homes as well.  Children who have not attained puberty should seek permission before they enter the rooms of their parents at specific times of the day.

The last layer of protection for the personal private space, specifically of a married couple, is not a wall or barrier but the spouse.  Allah (swt) describes the intimacy of this relationship in the following words:

…هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ …

“[…] They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them […]” (Qur’an 2:187)

This comparison is poignantly perfect in so many ways. Husbands and wives protect and beautify each other, complement and complete each other, hide each other’s defects and are identified by each other.

“Who is that?”

“O, that is So-and-so’s husband.”

“Ahh…”

This last barrier between the outside world and the self is also supposed to be a source of comfort and mercy.  The spouses are meant to be each other’s confidants so that the words spoken by a wife to her husband, or a husband to his wife, remain within the confines of that relationship. This privacy/secrecy includes endearments whispered in the warmth of an embrace and hurtful comments flung mercilessly in the heat of an argument. Neither of those two should be communicated even to the most sympathetic of ears. They should not be transmitted across the planet to a loving parent or whispered at a party in the ears of a close friend.

This intimacy and absolute lack of privacy that no one but a husband and wife are entitled to is attained through the words of Allah (swt). The Prophet ﷺ in his sermon reminded the husbands and wives of this ummah (community):

“O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission.”

A part of honoring that trust is maintaining absolute trust within the marriage bond.  If there was a scar or blemish on your skin wouldn’t you hide it from the world? As a spouse it is our responsibility to act as that cover or protection from the world and to not pass on knowledge of his/her shortcomings to others.  It adds to the honor of a couple when they support each other and detracts from their mutual honor when they publically flaunt each other’s faults.

In most non-abusive relationships, women tend to spill the beans on their spouses in fits of unjustified rage over petty matters. Their forgiveness is just as forthcoming as their grief. One smile from the husband, accompanied by a few flowers and all is forgiven and forgotten.  However, the person to whom the wife has communicated her distress will have lost respect for the husband as a human being. The third party that has been made privy to their conversation will not forget it and quite possibly pass it on to someone else. Essentially the wife has proven unworthy of the designation of ‘libas’ (clothing) that Allah (swt) had honored her with. She is more like a woman who rips her clothes in a fit of grief rather than one who is honorable and controlled in her demeanor.

For men it is generally a subtle form of revenge. If the home environment is not granting him the respect and authority that he feels he deserves, he avenges that lack of control by deriding his wife among his friends. Exaggerating her faults, cracking jokes about her behavior and attitudes and sharing details that he has access to because of the trust that Allah (swt) has placed with him is truly unworthy of the protector and guardian of the household.

There are no fairytale marriages, so do not get deluded by that myth. The Prophet ﷺ and the Sahabah (Companions) radi allahu `anhu (may Allah be pleased with them) had disagreements with their wives but they sought a higher purpose in their existence. Seek that higher purpose of Paradise and you will be granted, insha’Allah (God willing), a marriage which is of the ayaat (signs) of Allah (swt):

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Qur’an 30:21)

Next time the urge to divulge some personal information overtakes you or you feel the need to share your grief with a curious ear, recall how insulted your spouse would feel if he/she found out. Would he love you more? Would she respect you more? Take it as an opportunity from Allah (swt) to nurture your capacity for patience. Welcome it as an opportunity to attain the status of the people mentioned in the hadith (report of the words of the Prophet ﷺ):

“I guarantee a house in Jannah (Paradise) for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right; and I guarantee a house in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun; and I guarantee a house in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners.” [Prophet Muhammad ﷺ – reported by Imam Abu Dawud]

In order to attain that house in Paradise it is essential that we guard our earthly homes and relationships from prying eyes and gossiping tongues. The last layer of protection should not become the first layer of deception.

We have often heard from our parents stories from their childhood that seem completely fantastic to us. The endless number of miles that they had to walk to get to school or the fact that they were given one pencil to use for the entire year and the unbelievable trouble that they would get into if they lost that one pencil! More fantastic than those stories of struggle and frugality were the times that we were informed about the degree of respect that they had for their parents. How they were not allowed to speak in the presence of most elders and the thought of talking back to a mother, or father, or grandparent never crossed their minds. Disobeying an adult, even a neighbor, was a punishable offence at home and completely unacceptable socially.

The stories seem so fantastic because the majority of parents now days seem to spend their time negotiating with their children and are plagued by the “why?” questions. On every little thing the kids seem to roll their eyes and ask: Why do I have to do my school work? Why do I have to do the dishes? Why do I have to make my bed? Why can’t I play on the Xbox for 20 hours straight? Why do I have to listen to you? But why? A question that got someone into eternal trouble when he asked, “Bow down! But why? I am better than him.”

Parents seem to be sweating under the blaze of these interrogating questions even as their homes and their hearts shake to the sound of slamming doors. This attitude of disrespect becomes truly dangerous when it is brought to compliance on religious matters. Then the question becomes why do I have to pray? Why do I have to fast? Why can’t I wear the super tight skinny jeans? The questions are sometimes driven by a sincere desire to understand and sometimes they are used as tools to chip away at the patience of the worn out parents. Some parents repeatedly buckle under the pressure of society that their child seems to have on his/her side.

Apart from teaching the ritual aspects of the religion, it is our responsibility to inculcate in our youth the love of Allah and His Messenger. The ability to obey Allah and carry out His commands comes only if this love is foremost in the heart. It cannot be created by bombarding them with lists of haram (forbidden) and halal (permissible) that they disregard because in the greater society almost everything is permissible.

“. . . But those who believe, love Allah more (than anything else) . . .” (Qur’an 2:165)

Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah, then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 3:31)

It is difficult to convey this emotion of love and reverence to a generation that is essentially being taught that respect to any authority figure is ‘un-cool.’ In order to reach across this generation gap we need to couch these terms in language and place them in contexts that they can relate to.  For example in most well known commentaries of Surah Al-‘Asr a quote from Imam Razi is mentioned. Imam Razi has cited a scholar as saying, “I understood the meaning of Surah AI-`Asr from an ice-seller, who was calling aloud for the attention of the people repeatedly in the bazar: ‘Have mercy on the one whose wealth is melting away!’ Hearing what he was crying I said to myself: this then is the meaning of Wal- asr-i innal-insana la-fi khusr-in. In order to contextualize this in modern terms you could take the name of the person who sells snow cones at the masjid (mosque) every time there is an event and ask your child how would Uncle so and so get his money if no one bought the snow cones and all his ice melted away. Our time is running out just like his ice is melting so we should also do good and tell others to do good or we will also be in loss. Br. Nouman’s Tafseer of Surah Al-Asr is outstanding, especially the analogy of the drowning man which he presents at the end of Part 1.

Abdullaah ibn Hishaam said: “We were with the Prophet ﷺ (May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and he was holding the hand of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab. ‘Umar said to him: ‘O Messenger of Allah, you are dearer to me than everything except my own self.’ The Prophet ﷺ said: ‘No (that is not right), by the One in Whose hand is my soul, until I am dearer to you than your own self.’ ‘Umar said to him, ‘Now, by Allah, you are dearer to me than my own self.’ The Prophet ﷺ said: ‘Now (you are right), O ‘Umar.’” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, no. 6632)

This ideal of a profound love where Rasulallah ﷺ  is more beloved than even one’s own self was something that Hazrat Umar radi Allahu anhu (May Allah be pleased with him) initially found difficult to grasp. But at the Prophet’s gentle reminder he agreed that indeed he loved Rasulallah ﷺ more than he loved himself. Contrast this with the attitude of the Muslims today. There are those who take their reverence too far so as to almost deify him and then there are others who are completely apathetic towards his personality. There are those of our youth masha’Allah (God has willed it) whose hearts are imbued with the love of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (Glorified is He) and his Messenger ﷺ and, insha’Allah (God willing), we pray that Allah (swt) keeps them on guidance and they can lead us in the future. But there are others who flippantly pass judgment on his character or relegate him to a time 1400 years ago even though Allah (swt) called him a Mercy to all of Mankind. They make snide, disrespectful remarks about his family life as if they have the right to do so even though Allah (swt) warned the believers that were with him that the slightest hint of disrespect to the Messenger ﷺ could destroy their deeds:

O you who have believed, do not raise your voices above the voice of the Prophet or be loud to him in speech like the loudness of some of you to others, lest your deeds become worthless while you perceive not. (Qur’an 49:2)

Imagine that you are walking with a friend and someone holds the door open for you. You might smile at the person and say a polite thank you and move on. If it is your habit to pass comments on other peoples clothing you might say, “Did you see what he was wearing?”

Now imagine that you are hiking in a mountainous region with a group of people. The air becomes crisp as the altitude increases. You are enjoying the magnificent scenery when suddenly you lose your footing and begin to slide down the steep precipice. The person behind you lunges and grabs your hand and without a care for his own safety he hangs on to you, literally for dear life. (Yes, I know it sounds like a cheap movie but bear with me.) When they finally haul you up to safety you thank your savior profusely and say that you are indebted to them forever. No one would be so low as to pass comments about the appearance of the person who had just rescued them from near certain death. You would probably do something special to express you gratitude, possibly try to repay the favor by sacrificing something for their sake and developing a close relationship in the process.

We are also on the treacherous path of life and we are constantly losing our footing. The danger is not that we will fall to a certain death in some valley but the fear is that we will fall in the eternally blazing pit of hellfire. The Prophet ﷺ is the person who reaches out to save us. He has no selfish motives, no greed for recompense and no desire for gratitude. His only concern was to convey the message that Allah (swt) had entrusted him with so that he could save us from the hellfire. This was his one consuming concern even as he suffered persecution at the hands of his own people and was driven out of his beloved city.  Allah (swt) comforts him with the words:

Perhaps, [O Muhammad], you would kill yourself with grief that they will not be believers. (Qur’an 26:3)

I used the word “us” because he spoke of you and me to his companions:

Anas bin Malik (ra) narrates that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “I wish that I could meet my brothers.” The Sahabah (companions of the Prophet ﷺ ) asked: “Aren’t we your brothers?” He replied: “You are my Companions, but my brothers are those who will believe in me without having seen me.”
(This version is found in Musnad Ahmad and Al-Albani graded it saheeh in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah#2888)

He worried about us when he was on this earth and he will worry about us on the Day of Judgment when the people will plead with the Prophets to intercede so that the accounting can begin. Every other Prophet will cry ‘nafsi, nafsi’ (‘myself, myself’), only Muhammad al-Mustafa ﷺ will say ‘ummati, ummati’ (‘my people, my people’).

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet ﷺ said, “All of my Ummah will enter Paradise except those that refuse.”

Those who were with him (the Sahabah) said, “And who will refuse?”

He ﷺ said, “Whoever obeys me will enter Paradise, and whoever disobeys me will have refused.” (Bukhari)

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ is still reaching for us as we travel through the slippery slopes of our existence. His words, deeds and his character, which were the embodiment of the teachings of the Qur’an, beckon to us through the ages. Maybe the ‘why’ question that we should be asking ourselves is, “Why do I not love the Messenger of Allah ﷺ more than I love myself? He cared so deeply for my well-being why am I not willing to sacrifice anything in his obedience? Why do I brush aside his example and clutch at the straws of culture and fashion as if they are going to save me from the fire? The truly fantastic thing is that salvation is within our reach and we are saying, “It’s ok, I don’t wish to be saved.”

May Allah (swt) fill our hearts with the love of Allah and his Messenger ﷺ and make us worthy of his company in Paradise.