Photo: Ania Mendrek

Each year I let my family know I will not be celebrating Christmas with them. Last year my mother gave us gifts that said they were from Santa Claus. At the time, I was pregnant and it became even more important to me that we distance ourselves from non-Islamic religious holidays. I know growing up how great the time was each year, and I hate making my parents feel so bad. I am not quite sure how to explain it to them anymore. I am stuck between my mother with major anxiety and my husband who doesn’t quite understand why it is so difficult for them. Yet another year is coming, and I now have a little girl, and I have to explain to my mother why I cannot see her at this time of year. I just saw them last month, and my mother already told me she has purchased “Christmas” gifts.   What should I do or say to them that will make it easier?

Answer:

You are having a difficult time reconciling the importance of Christmas for your parents while desiring to raise your daughter adhering to Islamic traditions. It sounds like your husband does not understand the tension you are feeling when disappointing your parents year after year. You and your husband may not have discussed in detail how you would celebrate holidays given that your parents come from a different tradition, before getting married. Since your experience is completely foreign to your husband, he may not understand the significance of the holiday for your parents and the traditions they created with you as a child. It can be very difficult for parents whose children convert to Islam to understand that “family traditions” will no longer be celebrated because of their child’s new beliefs.

You and your husband will need to discuss how you wish to approach holidays with your parents and share this information together with your parents. Every family chooses to manage the holidays differently and these opinions may change as their children grow older. Depending on what you are comfortable with, you may choose to distance yourself from your family all together during the holidays or you may choose to join your parents in their tradition. You and your husband will have to decide together what is the best approach for your family. If you have shared with your parents that you do not celebrate Christmas and they insist on giving you and your children gifts, then you and your husband need to reconcile the idea of accepting gifts from family. Is it a challenge to your faith or an expression of love and generosity from your parents? Emulate the love you have for your parents by understanding where they are coming from and communicating with them your thoughts and views. As your children grow and new traditions develop, your parents may learn to adapt their traditions to what is more comfortable to you and your husband and even join you in your religious traditions as well.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

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Photos by Anwar Alomaisi

By Nivia Martinez        

The revival of Islam came about in the Arabian Peninsula, but today we can find a Muslim practicing Islam, reading the Qur’an and living a lifestyle of peace in every corner of the world. Those who were not raised Muslim sometimes think they have to make a choice whether or not to continue acknowledging their cultural heritage once they become a Muslim. The beauty of Islam is that it does not ask an individual to destroy his or her individuality. We can still follow the customs and traditions we were raised with, as long as they are in accordance with Islam.

Today we see Islam on every continent. Within the U.S. there are communities that have shattered the idea that Islam is exclusively for people from Africa, the Middle East or Asia. In reality, the Muslim community is inclusive of everyone. Its diversity is something to be valued and embraced as a means to unify. It is a reminder that though we came from a singular being, Adam (may peace be upon him), we have taken on a wide variety of political lines, customs and beliefs. Yet, thanks to God, we are united as one body and can pray side by side with an individual from a different background that we may never find in our own cultural enclave.

Still unbeknownst to many, there is a Latin Muslim community thriving within the US and growing day-by-day in Latin America. The phenomenon of the growing and diverse Latin Muslim community received exposure in the 50th Annual Hispanic Day Parade in NYC, which gathered 18 Latin American countries in a single event. This annual gathering is one of the most colorful scenes in NYC, as it features the folkloric culture of every Latin American country. The themes are played in music, dance and costumes. The Hispanic Parade committee that organizes the event allows each group that participates to demonstrate their unique character.

Our goal in participating in this parade was to demonstrate that within the mostly Christian Hispanic community, there exists a diverse Hispanic Muslim community from countries such as Puerto Rico, Mexico, Cuba, Costa Rica, Panama, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Peru, Ecuador, Venezuela, Colombia and the Dominican Republic. We wanted to show that we are just as proud of our heritage and that our faith does not separate us from our roots. It in fact brings us closer to these roots as it is a community-oriented way of life, which praises fellowship among humanity. Hispanic Muslims still share the same passion and love for their family as the rest of the Latin community throughout the world. Islam does not restrict anyone from participating in such events and marching peacefully with our Christian friends that share our cultural heritage. What mattered most in our participation is that it was a public venue with thousands of spectators who have probably never witnessed Muslims gathered in one of the largest parades in NYC. Our participation demonstrated that we are not closed off from society, and that our beliefs do not separate us. It unifies us all.

Our theme of unity was displayed through a colorful float which consisted of an arch displaying the words “Un Creador, Una Familia, Una Planeta” (One Creator, One Family, One Planet), with a globe underneath. On the back panel of the float we displayed the message “Somos Musulmanes Hispanos” (We are Hispanic Muslims). The headscarves on the women, men donning long beards and thobes (traditional Arab garment for men), and the Latin American flags we held were the real symbols of who we are. Our float was designed to give a message of unity and to show Islam in a positive light.

In preparing for this event, many of us wondered how the crowd would react to our participation. As this is a day when thousands of people are gathered with a sense of pride and happiness to see their country being represented, I knew that the overall happy nature of the event would be reflected in the spectators’ view of us. As we passed them in our float, there were flags waving back at us, shouting the name of their country at us, and some glaring while taking a moment to read the message on our float. The NYPD officers that were guarding the event were mostly serious in their gestures. On the other hand, I noticed a few officers crack soft smiles and one that snapped a picture as he stood in front of a divider.

There was one particular spectator that showed his enthusiasm when he saw us passing by throwing his fist in the air followed by a kiss on his knuckles, in what I see as a symbol of solidarity with the struggle many Muslims are facing. Further on, a man waving his flag yelled, “Alhamdulillah,” a common Arabic phrase meaning “All praise be to God.” A man and a woman from Colombia who were there to march with a different group decided to jump in along with us instead and even asked a fellow participant for his Palestinian flag. These two proceeded to walk among us and wave the Palestine flag to the crowd. These situations were unexpected, but it made me feel as if though the struggle we are facing is not as deep as some of us may think.

What I learned from this event is the impact a positive message has on the way people view us. When we show the world a positive message, the only thing that we can get in return is even more love and positivity. This is extremely valuable in a time when hateful speech towards Islam is louder than the kind, rational voice of Islam. It helps to discourage listeners of hateful speech towards Muslims from accepting this rejection and hatred. On the contrary, justifying our beliefs through endless debates creates a notion that it is okay to use a person’s faith to understand why bad things happen. It creates an atmosphere in which it is okay to generalize and categorize people by the actions of a smaller group. It promotes bigotry and justifies hostility among people. What we do not see in the media are the people who support us, empathize with our struggle and want to see the Muslim community demonstrate even more acts of peace that refute what the media says. The media does not showcase individuals that want to march with us and show their solidarity by waving their fists in the air when they see us striving. These people do exist and will continue to stand with us as long as we continue to show our gratitude and desire for peace.

Reforming not Demolishing the Status Quo

This is attested to by several incidents wherein the Prophet ﷺ, far from changing everything, approved of practices that were prevalent in the time of Jahiliyya (Pre-Islamic times). An example of this is the law of Qasama. This was when a body of a murdered person is found on a land occupied by a tribe, fifty inhabitants of that land must each take an oath that they have neither taken part in the death of this person nor have any knowledge as to who the killer is. If there were less than fifty people, than those present must take oaths more than once until the quota of fifty oaths is reached. After this, they are free from any liability, in terms of punishment, but must still pay compensation to the family of the murdered. It is recorded in the Musnad of Imam Ahmad and in Sahih Muslim:

“The Prophet approved of the law of qasama which was prevalent during the time of jahiliyya.”  (Muslim and Musnad Ahmad)

This was not only in penal matters, but the Prophet also did the same with the prevalent forms of marriages during his time. Aisha, radi Allahu `anha (May God be pleased with her), narrates:

“There was the marriage which is that still practised by people today in which a man asked another man for his ward or daughter, paid her her dower and then married her. Another type was that a man would say to his wife after she was pure from menstruation, “Send for so-and-so and have intercourse with him.” Her husband would stay away from her and not have sex with her until she became pregnant by that man with whom she was sleeping. When it was clear that she was pregnant, then her husband would sleep with her if he wished. He did that out of the desire for a child of noble descent… Another type of marriage was that a group of less than ten men would go to the same woman and all have intercourse with her. If she became pregnant and gave birth, some days after the birth she would send for them, and none of them could refuse to come. When they were gathered together before her, she would say to them, “You know what you did. I have given birth. It is your son, so-and-so!” She would name whichever of them she wanted to name, and her child would be attributed to him and the man could not deny that. The fourth type of marriage was that many men would go to a woman who would not refuse whoever came to her. They were prostitutes and they used to set up flags at the doors as signs. Whoever wanted could go to them. If one of them became pregnant, when she gave birth, they would be brought together and they would call the physiognomists who would then attach the child to the one they thought was the father. He would be ascribed to him and called his son. None of them could reject that. When Muhammad, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was sent with the truth, he abolished all of the marriages of the Jahiliyya except the marriage practised by people today.” (Bukhari)

Moreover, custom or `urf, is something that is considered in Islamic law. This is evident in contractual law. For example, if in the sale of a car, it is known that it is the seller who usually delivers the product, then even though this may not be verbally stipulated, the sharia (Islamic ruling) will consider it as such. Thus the legal maxim, “That which is known by custom, is treated as if it has been stipulated verbally.” Another example is the obligation of the husband to financially support his wife (nafaqa)—the actual amount is not stipulated. It is referred to the custom of the people to decide how much is fair. Thus far from doing without custom altogether, many aspects and rulings of the sharia are dependent on the customs of a people, in order for them to be actionable.

Of course, if the customs of a people contradict a clear textual evidence of the Qur’an and sunna, then that is discarded, as the Prophet ﷺ exemplified. 

The Attitude of (predominantly young) Religious People

The point of mentioning all this is to highlight the fact that Islam is not supposed to be practiced in a vacuum, where anything, by virtue of it being foreign, is rejected and seen to be something that the sharia despises. This is more so when it seems almost fashionable for young practicing people to boast how some practice is “just” traditional, and hence they want to rid themselves of it.

Weddings as an Example

For example, during weddings, different cultures have different ways of doing things. All of this is fine, unless something contradicts the sharia. So having a pre-wedding function is completely fine. Thus it does not make sense, at least from a purely shari point of view, for people who start to practice newly or are practising to want to go against such functions in the name of religion, and upset a huge number of relatives. This breaks up unity and gives Islam a bad name and makes religious people seem like they are against having fun.

Reason for Rejection: Un-Islamic

The common argument is that because there is no precedent for such functions in the sunnah, it is by default un-Islamic. However, this attitude itself is Un-Islamic and rejected, since when it comes to social practices and events, “everything is permissible until proven impermissible.”

Reason for Rejection: Finance

Of course, sometimes halal (permissible) customs can place undue hardship on people, especially those that are not financially well off. In such situations, should a person not want to hold a customary function, it is completely justified and praiseworthy, since spending out of one’s means is discouraged. Yet the reason for breaking from one’s cultural practices would be finance, and not because something was intrinsically wrong with the function.

Reason for Rejection: Personal Choice

If someone wants to break from their cultural practices and tradition due to personal preferences, then it is only fair that they make this known and not mask this using religious justifications. This would be an unfair abuse of religious texts. Of course the motivation for appealing to religion at such times comes from the fact that breaking from traditions attracts the censure of one’s family and peers, and in an attempt to deflect such criticism religion is used as a shield.

Moreover, people should be wise when making such choices by taking into account the possible harms that may result. One needs to balance one’s individualism with the wider concerns of one’s family. After all it was the Prophet himself ﷺ who said to Aisha (ra) when she took a woman on her wedding night to a man from among the Ansar:

“O ‘Aisha, was there any entertainment (in the gathering)? For the Ansar love entertainment.” (Bukhari)

He ﷺ knew the custom of the Ansar and respected it.

We must not forget that our religion is a universal one, and our Prophet ﷺ is a universal prophet. Thus, we, who claim to follow the Prophet ﷺ must also adopt this in our attitude and practice. In the words of the Qur’an:

“And We have not sent you except comprehensively to mankind as a bringer of good tidings and a warner. But most of the people do not know.” (Qur’an, 34:28)

This universality implicitly accepts the cultures and traditions of all people with the condition that they do not contradict the Qur’an and sunna. This difference is an aspect of life that is to be embraced, not an imperfection to be erased.