Baby Steps to Becoming a Master Parent

By Wadud Hassan 

[An experienced educational management professional, Br. Wadud lives in Dallas, Texas with his wife and twin daughters. He can be reached at whassan[at]furqaan.org]

A father cannot give a better gift to his son than a good education. (Tirmidhi)

After being married for 10 years and then a hospital stay of close to 138 days, we were blessed with two beautiful baby girls. That was one year after we clung to the Kaaba and prayed for pious offspring. Little did we know the challenges of raising “Pious Offspring”!

My wife and I have both been involved in the field of education working as a teacher, counselor, and administrator in several local and international private and public schools and colleges.

Becoming a parent was an amazing experience, and after waiting for 10 years and being in the profession of educating children, we thought we were ready!  It is only after becoming parents that we connected with the reality that you are never fully ready until you become one!

Good parenting is like being a Good Muslim – both require continuous struggles to stay focused on our goals (that is, if we take the time to even set them in the first place), being conscious of the consequences of our choices, an ongoing and honest evaluation of ourselves, and the best efforts to improve our condition.

God does not change the condition of people until they change what is in themselves. (Qur’an 13:11)

The struggle is real but God is the best facilitator and He, out of His infinite mercy, has made His deen (religion) easy – ad-deenu yusrun (Bukhari) – and many times I find that it is our lack of knowledge, or a structured routine to bring that knowledge to practice that prevents us from moving forward. Therefore, I am here to share my personal reflection of 4 simple steps that I plan to take in raising ideal children by the enabling grace of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (Glorified is He). And the key to success, I feel, is in starting each of the following 4 practices in a small but consistent, meaningful and qualitative way – making the foundation of these deeds strong and grow from there. The actions most beloved to Allah are those that are small but done consistently (Bukhari).

1. Start with Yourself

Become a student of knowledge—A learned man has more power over Satan than a devout worshipper. (Tirmidhi)

• Meet with a Scholar (someone that motivates and inspires you to remember and get closer to God) regularly. Scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets – so create a strong bond of friendship with one that prevents you and your family from stagnation. Ask his or her advice regularly. Take your child(ren) to these gatherings/meetings regularly.
• Read books and scholarly research on Parenting in Islam, and stay in touch with the modern scientific research on parenting and child psychology (e.g. Parenting with Love and Logic – www.loveandlogic.com) always examining them with the lens of Islamic ethos.
• But above all, where else can we find guidance other than the beautiful examples of our beloved Nabi (Prophet) Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him)? He was sent as a mercy to the whole mankind (Qur’an 21:107), sent to perfect human character (muatta) in every role including that of the father and indeed Allah (swt) has kept the best examples in his conduct (Qur’an 33:21).

Be a role model—The example of the person who teaches people good and neglects himself is like a lamp, which is a source of illumination for people and burns itself. (Tabarani)

• Action speaks louder than words—and this is where we seem to fall short in today’s intellectual era where a vast amount of knowledge is easily available but only a small fraction of conforming ideals and character traits are seen in people. Rather than telling our children not to be on the iPod or watch too much TV – we can show them through our actions and read a book together!
• Model the best character. Always advise with kindness. Teach patience by practicing patience and perseverance. Delay gratification and focus on teaching them routines. Stay silent and never discipline when angry. Verily anger destroys faith as aloe spoils honey (Baihaqi). Behave with your spouse, parents, relatives and friends kindly and courteously as our elders and scholars have recorded many incidents of people not respectful to their parents or spouse and they reaped the ill consequences of their actions by similar and unpleasant treatments from their children later in life.
• Be a friend. Always make sincere effort to understand your children’s perspectives and do not force yours. Show love and empathize. Be easily approachable. Shall I not inform you about the person who is forbidden from the Fire and for whom the Fire is forbidden? Anyone who is close to people, soft and lenient (Ibid).

2. Ensure an Ideal Learning Environment

Create a balance between work and home—Our child’s education is equally or more important than work (depends on where we work) and hence, the need for our commitment to spend quality time with the family. Invest time in establishing an ideal learning environment at home.

Establish a timetable—Time management is the biggest challenge for us parents. We can involve our family in planning a daily schedule that everyone agrees on. Be it for 10 minutes, establish a study circle to talk, read or discuss about the essentials of deen and especially the life and sayings of the Prophet ﷺ.

Pay attention to the family’s spiritual and physical health—Create and follow a healthy diet plan, commit to physical activities with your family at least three times a week, build a daily connection with the masjid (mosque) and minimize waste of time (i.e. monitor TV, Electronic Games and Internet Access) while also having healthy choices for relaxing and rejuvenating the body and the mind.

3. Train Your Child in the Best Character and Etiquette

Keep God in mind wherever you are; follow a wrong with a right that offsets it; and treat people courteously (Tirmidhi). We find three great qualities from this hadith (prophetic narration) that we can inculcate in our children:

1. God Consciousness – Our children need to be trained to be conscious of their actions and learn the consequences of good and bad choices.
2. Accountability – You make the mess, you clean the mess. From a young age, always give them choices and do not be afraid to let them make a mistake, as that will provide an opportunity to impart a valuable lesson on responsibility, which they will hopefully always remember.
3. Courtesy – This character trait should be part of an early training we provide our children. They should always be kind and courteous to their parents, teachers, peers, siblings and to all of God’s creation. Courtesy is rooted in mercy for others and this is a required characteristic of a true Muslim – courtesy must be extended to the teacher, to knowledge, and to the environment of learning.

Dedicate weekly family discussion or reading sessions on other special character traits such as respect, kindness, trustworthiness, and best effort. Enforce positive behavior—a simple acknowledgement can also go a long way.

4. Take Refuge in Du`a’

Who was able to do any of these steps better than the beloved and chosen messengers of God (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon them)? But they knew full well that the results of their efforts and the true guidance were in the hands of Allah (swt), who has power over all things.

We, therefore, must learn to pray to Allah (swt) regularly for our children, learn the du`a’s (supplication) from the Book of Allah and the examples of Allah’s Messenger ﷺ and recite them from the heart to attract the mercy, guidance and acceptance of Allah (swt) as he is the true Murabbi (Nurturer) and can make up for our shortcomings in guiding and shaping our most valuable trust—our children. Indeed whomever Allah guides is truly guided, and whomever He misguides no one can guide him. Here are a few beautiful du`a’s from the Qur’an parents can recite regularly:

Rabbana waj`al muslimayni laka wa min dhurryatina ummatam muslimatal lak wa arina manasikana watub `alayna innaka antat tawwabur raheem.

Our Lord! And make us submissive towards you and from our offspring a nation obedient to You – and show us the ways of our worship, and incline towards us with Your mercy; indeed You only are the Most Acceptor of Repentance, the Most Merciful. (Qur’an 2:128)

Rabbi habli milla dunka dhurryatan tayyiba innaka samiud du`a’

[Zachariah prayed] My Lord, grant me from pure offsprings. Verily, You hear prayers. (Qur’an 3:38)

Rabbahuma la-en ataytana salihan lana kunanna minash shakireen

O Allah! Surely if you give us a well-formed child, we shall be forever thankful. (Qur’an 7:189)

Rabbi j`alni muqimus salati wa min dhurryyati rabbana wataqabbal du`a’

O my Lord! Maintain me as one who establishes prayer, and some of my descendants; O our Lord! and accept my prayer. (Qur’an 14:40)

Rabbi la tadharni fardaw wa anta khayrul warithin

[ Zakaria prayed] O my Lord – do not leave me without offspring, and You are the Best Inheritor. (Qur’an 21:89)

Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhurryatina qurrata a’yuniw waj`alna lil muttaqina imama

Our Lord, soothe our eyes with our wives and our children, and make us leaders of the pious. (Qur’an 25:74)

[Wadud Hassan is the Secondary School and Special Programs Manager at Furqaan Academy Collin County. He can be reached at whassan[at]furqaan.org]

By the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), my family and I were very fortunate to perform Hajj (the pilgrimage to Makkah) last year. We had a very pleasant journey and a great experience to remember for the rest of our lives. When I started writing about my experience, I realized that much of my feelings about Hajj are difficult to express and perhaps can only be duly expressed by an accomplished orator or writer. The following paragraphs are just a mere attempt to share a few select thoughts regarding my Hajj experience.

وَلَوْ أَنَّهُمْ إِذ ظَّلَمُواْ أَنفُسَهُمْ جَآؤُوكَ فَاسْتَغْفَرُواْ اللّهَ وَاسْتَغْفَرَ لَهُمُ الرَّسُولُ لَوَجَدُواْ اللّهَ تَوَّابًا رَّحِيمًا

“[…] And if, when they wronged themselves, they had come to you, [O Muhammad], and asked forgiveness of Allah and the Messenger had asked forgiveness for them, they would have found Allah Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Qur’an 4:64)

This verse is very dear to me and talks about Allah (swt)’s assurance of forgiveness for those that would visit the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) and repent to Allah (swt). Though we cannot directly talk to the Prophet ﷺ and ask him to pray for our forgiveness, it was the tradition of our pious predecessors to quote this verse and ask for Allah (swt)’s forgiveness when they visited the Prophet ﷺ’s Masjid and his tomb in Madinah and conveyed their salaam (greetings of peace) to him. It was an amazing feeling to go the Prophet ﷺ’s Masjid, reflect on the sacrifices made by the Prophet ﷺ, his family, and companions in order to establish and spread the religion of peace, and then to feel remorse about how we have fallen short in following the example of the Prophet ﷺ in our daily lives.

On our Hajj journey, we first visited Madinah. The feeling of visiting the Prophet ﷺ’s Masjid and tomb in Madinah is almost ecstatic. You try to relate to the feelings of those who were fortunate to visit the Prophet ﷺ when he was alive and you feel the anticipation of entering the Masjid and greeting the Prophet ﷺ at his tomb when the green dome comes in sight. Remembering the hadith (record of the words or actions of the Prophet ﷺ) that when you convey your salaam to the Prophet ﷺ at his grave, he responds to you can be very heart wrenching. You look around to see the expressions on people’s faces, and the tears of love and attachment to the Prophet ﷺ are ever visible. What an amazing sensation to pray at the Masjid of the Prophet ﷺ, in the presence of all the memories of the Prophet ﷺ. The days in Madinah; visiting the graves of the Prophet ﷺ, Abu Bakr, and Umar radi allahu `anhum (may God have mercy on them); visiting Jannat-ul-Baqi where more than 10,000 companions are resting; praying in Riyadh ul Jannah, or the portion of the Prophet ﷺ’s mosque he designated as part of Jannah (Paradise); visiting the gate through which the angel Jibril `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) used to come to visit the Prophet ﷺ; the pillars where the Prophet ﷺ used to pray, give sermons from, and meet delegations; walking in the streets of Madinah; even merely shopping in the markets in Madinah is not devoid of memories of the time of the Prophet ﷺ and feelings of peace in the blessed city.

Parting Madinah reminds one of those stories that relate to us how the Companions (ra) used to feel upon leaving the company of the Prophet ﷺ. The story of Muadh ibn Jabal (ra) as he was deputed to Yemen comes to mind when he kept looking back to see the face of the beloved Prophet ﷺ and kept crying, thinking that he may never see the Prophet ﷺ again! But he knew that his journey forward was for the sake of Allah (swt)’s pleasure, like the haajis (pilgrims), who were departing Madinah to go towards Makkah as the days of Hajj drew near.

إِنَّ أَوَّلَ بَيْتٍ وُضِعَ لِلنَّاسِ لَلَّذِي بِبَكَّةَ مُبَارَكًا وَهُدًى لِّلْعَالَمِينَ

“Indeed, the first House [of worship] established for mankind was that at Makkah – blessed and a guidance for the worlds.” (Qur’an 3:96)

The sacredness and might of the city of Makkah are felt as you get close to Masjid ul Haram and visit the Ka`ba. You are reminded of the greatness of Allah (swt) as the pilgrims walk into the Masjid, fearing their Lord, remembering their shortcomings, realizing that it is not due to their personal merit but rather the mercy of Allah (swt) that they are now the honored guests of the Ka｀ba. They hope for Allah (swt)’s forgiveness and blessings while walking slowly with their heads down until they have a full sight of the Ka`ba. Tears trickle down the faces of the pilgrims, some fall in sujud (prostration), and others cry profusely at their first sight of the Ka`ba – some not even remembering what they were suppose to pray for at their first sight of the Ka`ba. “Rabbana a`tina fee dunya hasana, wa fel akhirati hasana, waqina `adhaban naar. Our Lord! Grant us all the good of this word, and that of the hereafter and save us from the fire,” chant the pilgrims while walking around the Ka`ba to complete the 7 circles of their tawaf (ritual rotation around the Ka`ba).

This is it—this is the courtyard of the Divine Master and the Creator of the universe, where the wishes of the pilgrims are granted. The desperation is felt as people cling to the walls of the Ka’ba and shed their tears asking Allah (swt)’s favors. While I did my tawaf, I realized how symbolic this particular act of worship is: our whole life and everything that we do should revolve around Allah (swt) and what is pleasing to him. The symbolism of running between Safa and Marwa is that you run to Allah (swt) and ask Allah (swt) for all your needs as we remember the divine intervention of the well of Zamzam after the mother Hajar (as) desperately ran back and forth between these hills.

The constant movements of the Haajis from one place to another, the tawaf around the Ka`ba, the sa`ee (ritual running or walking) between Safa and Marwa, the walk to go pelt the jamaraat (the 3 stone pillars representing Satan)—all teach us that a Muslim needs to be physically fit and active to fulfill the obligations of his Deen (religion). One has to find spirituality and moments of reflection while continuously being on the move during Hajj. This was an important reminder for me, and I am sure for many other Haajis, to stay active in good deeds, in going to the Masjid, in serving others, and in engaging in activities that keep one physically fit.

فَإِذَا أَفَضْتُم مِّنْ عَرَفَاتٍ فَاذْكُرُواْ اللّهَ عِندَ الْمَشْعَرِ الْحَرَامِ وَاذْكُرُوهُ كَمَا هَدَاكُمْ وَإِن كُنتُم مِّن قَبْلِهِ لَمِنَ الضَّآلِّينَ

“[…] But when you depart from ‘Arafat, remember Allah at al-Mashar al-Haram. And remember Him, as He has guided you, for indeed, you were before that among those astray.” (Qur’an 2:198)

The journey from Makkah to Mina, then Mina to Arafat, Arafat to Muzdalifa, Muzdalifa to Mina, and Mina to Makkah reminded me of how Allah (swt) wants us to search for Him and His bounties like a desperate traveler who has forgotten all about adorning himself in the state of ihram (cleanliness), refusing even to comb his hair or apply perfume, and avoiding all vain talk in order to only be engaged in searching for and building a relationship with God.

فَلاَ رَفَثَ وَلاَ فُسُوقَ وَلاَ جِدَالَ فِي الْحَجِّ وَمَا تَفْعَلُواْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ يَعْلَمْهُ اللّهُ وَتَزَوَّدُواْ فَإِنَّ خَيْرَ الزَّادِ التَّقْوَى وَاتَّقُونِ يَا أُوْلِي الأَلْبَاب

“[…] there is [to be for him] no sexual relations and no disobedience and no disputing during Hajj. And whatever good you do – Allah knows it. And take provisions, but indeed, the best provision is fear of Allah. And fear Me, O you of understanding.” (Qur’an 2:197)

Finally, one of the major lessons of Hajj I personally connected to was how Allah (swt) wants us to get out of our comfort zone while seeking His pleasure. Though it is very pleasurable to be making your salat (prayers) in the Holy mosques listening to beautiful recitations, that is not enough to perform your Hajj. You still have to toil in the streets and tents of Mina, Arafat, and Muzdalifa to fulfill the obligations of Hajj. In our daily life, there are acts of worship that we can do in our comfortable surroundings. At times, however, we have to leave that in search of more meaningful worship, seeking knowledge, preaching our religion, or in the service of mankind. When you do step out of your comfort zone like one does in Hajj, traveling in ihram like any other person and out on the streets with thousands of other pilgrims all around you, you have to completely rely on Allah (swt) for His help, guidance, and protection and that is what Allah (swt) refers to in the above verse. Though a Haaji is encouraged and rewarded for taking provisions for his journey—“Wa tazawwadu fa inna khairaz zaadit taqwa. Verily, the best of provisions is God-consciousness.”

I hope and pray that Allah (swt) accepts the Hajj from all those who performed it in the past and are chosen to perform it this year and in the future. May He, out of his Enabling Grace, make it easy for every Muslim to fulfill this sacred obligation and live its lessons until he meets his Maker.