I completly agree with you brother Mahmud.

The proper methodology according to Quran and Sunnah is what you have stated;

“The man may learn about a woman through his mother, aunts or sister. He may learn about her deen, character, and beauty from them. Then the man should approach the father or the wali of the woman. At the presence of the wali, the man and woman may converse. They may do it even for more then one day. If everything seems good, then they may do nikah.”

I remember in Manchester, and in London, that they have these “speed dating” events in the masjids. Now before you say anything, the males come with their parents, and the girls come with their parents, and under the supervision of the imam, they go to each male/female and talk for a few minutes (with their parents around). This way if you interested you can tell the imam, and hopefully “Bob’s your uncle!” – if you haven’t met someone, then the same “speed dating” event will carry onto the next month.

Might seem a bit crude, but this is a serious issue that needs to be tackled. Each Muslim country has its own issues, and like one of the brothers said, we cannot look at India, Pakistan, Middle East, Africa etc etc to tackle issues on Islam within the West.

My problem is that I get nervous if I speak to a sister..not because I am shy but just in case she says “Why are you speaking to me?…its not right for you to speak to me, etc etc” and it makes me feel soo guilty in the end. I am a nice person and I will definitely defend my sisters in Islam, but I wouldn’t want to offend them; even the concept of helping a sister with her baggage makes me have to think about whether or not I should help – it shouldnt but it does. Due to being told of the dangers of male and female interaction, I have these unfortunate thoughts.

The article in the middle says that parents will be in the next room and the guy and girl can talk.. We don’t know about this.. The Prophet (pbuh) spoke about non-privacy and non-aloneness with the opposite sex. Hence the parents or guardian must be able to hear and see what the kids are doing.

Secondly, it is an error of Western thought and now Muslims may give in to this that we think we need to know a lot about the opposite sex person to decide if they are compatible. This is not true. Even Western psychologists talk about what they call the ‘shock of recognition’ when you see a person you like, you know it. Some writers (Non-Muslim) talk about speed dating and that the decisions we make are subtle and quick and ‘hanging out’ with someone doesn’t really contribute much to the decision-making process. In other words, you don’t need to go to a theme park with the mate you are considering or a movie to decide compatibility. This is not the nature of attraction, and if someone suggests that, it is a flaw. But what is necessary is a discussion and dialogue about interests, personality types, activities and engagements, plans, etc. which leads to sufficient data to decide compatibility. And ultimately it is compromise, adjustment and responsible behavior from both partners in the marriage that lead to marital success. If we are going to present courting as an option that demands more time alone and hanging out, it is boundary-crossing Islamically and not necessary.

Thirdly, the current problems we have, have to be fixed regardless of what new suggestions are made. Parents need to stop forcing, get out of their restrictive mindset and open up the world for their children, make more effective local matrimony arrangements/setup, stop expecting doctor and engineer guys alone, explore the success rates of marrying imported males/females to American-raised kids, etc. Unless this is fixed, other things don’t make all the difference.

Finally, Islam gives peace as long as we follow it. The basics of Islamic relationships is such – you do not want to marry a woman who has had multiple short emotional exchanges with a man. I can marry a Muslim woman who has had Islamic discussions with prospective partners, even if they were 20 or 30 in number. But if I hear that she was intimate or chatting or flirting or had some sort of emotional deposits in such ‘courting’ interactions, then I wouldn’t consider her. And that begins the decay of the Muslim community and we will follow suit with the mess that is present outside oru community. Compared to that, I would prefer dating a non-Muslim woman, marrying her and bringing her to pure Islam.. and my dates would last 2 or 3 dates and then marry her. But that would be because I don’t have another option. And yes, there is a difference between me dating a non-Mmuslim woman because there is no other option and me having emotional courting with a Muslim woman as part of a so-called Islamic system.

The author(s) need to clarify if emotional discussions/flirting are involved in such courting. If they are, it is forbidden. If they are not, then what they are suggesting is not much different from the options we already have.

excellent post, bro! Jazak Allah khair