How to Achieve Tranquility of the Heart Series

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII | Part XIX | Part XX

Sometimes it feels like it’s just too much – these fluctuations in our iman, the repeated sinning, the feeling that “I just don’t deserve Allah’s mercy.” The tests always feel like punishments. There is a constant worry about the future: my marriage, my money, my career, my ummah (community)… And some difficulties just feel like they are too great to overcome. We know we’re not supposed to ask this, but the question at the back of our minds is, “Why me?”

We have all heard that we should never despair of Allah’s Mercy. And on the surface, we try not to, but Shaytaan (the Devil) has a trick. We tend to despair of ourselves and our incapacity to change things, especially the inner turmoil that we feel. And the effect of this is basically the same as despairing of Allah’s mercy. We do not always accept that Allah can take us out of the situation we are in and we don’t need to ‘deserve’ the trouble; Allah isn’t punishing us and we don’t need to be perfect.

This doesn’t mean, however, that we shouldn’t strive, or take ourselves to account when we do mess up. The key is to develop our relationship with Allah during that trouble. If we know Allah, no situation is too hopeless. No sadness is ever permanent. We perceive trials as they are meant to be perceived – as tests of our trust in Allah, forcing us to put our knowledge into practice and bringing us closer to Him. These trials could potentially be a punishment too, that is if we let it affect us negatively by completely turning away from Him because of our sadness. But our awareness of our own state and our understanding of Allah’s Mercy allows us to turn the punishment into something positive that is manifested through repentance to Allah, alongside increasing in hasanat (good deeds) in order to erase the bad deeds.

The first exercise is for us to consciously realize that Allah knows. Whatever grief we go through, whatever hardship we endure, we must understand that we are never alone. Even if we feel abandoned by the world and those closest to us, Allah is there. He reminds us in the Qur’an,

“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you [both]; I hear and I see.” (20:46)

As long as we begin by recognizing that Allah is with us and He is close to us, there remains a solution to our inner worries. There are things we need to know in order to develop our relationship with Allah. Then there are things we need to do in order to maintain that closeness to Allah. And finally, there are things we need to aspire for to achieve the ideal relationship with our Lord. We pray that by the end of the series, we will all have developed a stronger relationship with Allah.

Note: some of us suffer from clinical depression or similar medical conditions, and this needs to be dealt with by a professional. Working on our relationship with Allah no doubt helps, but sometimes more than a spiritual fix may be needed.

A Letter to the Heart that is Numb

To the heart that is numb,

Standing in taraweeh (Ramadan night prayers) while everyone is weeping – except you. Your friends talk about how exhilarating fasting is for them – but all you feel is irritation; and that is if you feel anything at all. Your du`as (supplications) are just words you repeat – without heart.

What is the point of all of it? Your actions are robotic. Monotone. Without soul.

You wish you could be like that person praying next to you in taraweeh who sobs during every prostration. You want to be the one passionately pleading with Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) with humility. Your hope is that you can be that person whose heart is broken before God.
You know what, though? You, too, are special to Allah (swt).

You who recites the Qur’an because you know it is good.

You who prays because Allah (swt) commanded you to.

You who attends lectures on Islam because you want to feel closer to Him.

The Prophet ﷺ told us that the person who recites the Qur’an and struggles with the recitation receives twice the reward: for their recitation and for their effort and struggle. Ibn Al-Qayyim used this hadith (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ) as the basis for his statement that the person who struggles to be devoted in prayer gets twice the reward: for the parts that he was devoted, and for his struggle to stay focused.

As long as you are trying, Allah (swt) is with you.

The fact that you get up to pray qiyaam (night prayer) even though you feel nothing is appreciated by Allah (swt). When you mouth the words to your du`a even when your heart is numb, Allah (swt) knows how you feel. And you are rewarded for that. Do not think that this will go to waste.

Allah (swt) gets it.
Because you are not worshiping a feeling. You do not bow down solely for that ‘high’. You prostrate only to the Lord of the feelings and the One who is the Most High. You submit to Him – through your prayers, fasting and supplication – because you know you have a Merciful, Just, Appreciative, Forgiving God, Who has the power to give life to everything that is dead.

Including your heart.

You know you have a Nurturing, Patient, Generous, Subtle and Kind Lord who is can bring back whatever is lost.

He can bring you back.

So to the heart that is numb: Do not give up just yet. Your heart is on a journey. You are first and foremost worshiping your Lord. And He has promised you:
“And those who strive for Us – We will surely guide them to Our ways. And indeed, Allah is with the doers of good.” (Qur’an, 29:69)

As long as you are doing good, Allah (swt) will guide you and He is with you. Do you know what that means?

Imam Ash-Shawkani stated that Allah (swt) being with someone means more care, honoring and preference for the person.

And you what else? Allah loves what you do. He tells us:

“Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection.” (Qur’an, 19:96)

Allah will not only love you, but He will show that love for you. He will bestow His affection upon you, and your heart will feel it.

So keep trekking. Your heart will open – He is, after all, al-Fattah. Al-Fattah is He who opens whatever is closed; your heart included. You might wonder when and how, but just know that it will happen. It could be on the last night of Ramadan or it could be a month after Ramadan – your heart will open, God willing. The daily exercise you do might not look like much, but you will inevitably see the results if you persevere. Similarly, your good actions slowly chip away at what has been hardening your heart and, eventually, you will feel.

And if it gets too much, just talk to Allah (swt). Tell Him how you feel, and tell Him how you want to feel. Do it every night, and every time you feel empty. God is there; never underestimate your turning to Him. ‘Turning to Him’ does not just mean prayers and supplications; you can just tell Him what is in your heart.

On the Day of Judgment, you will be grateful for your perseverance and your hope in Him, because it will matter more than you will ever know. So push yourself and exert all the effort you can muster. The tiniest ray of light can brighten the darkest of places.

Love,

A fellow heart that is* numb

(*was)

By Raiiq Ridwan

About three years ago I was listening to a lecture on the Magnificence of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). The lecturer came upon this verse:

“If We had sent down this Qur’an upon a mountain, you would have seen it humbled and coming apart from fear of Allah. And these examples We present to the people that perhaps they will give thought.” (Quran 59:21)

The scholar, Mirza Yawar Baig, then stopped for a moment, and said, “If Allah had revealed the Qur’an onto a mountain, it would have crumbled out of the awe of the words of Allah. Then what mountain has crept up into our hearts that our hearts do not even tremble at the remembrance of Allah?”

Allah (swt) Himself asks a similar question in Surah Hadeed:

“Is it not time that those who believe, that their hearts be submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has been revealed of the truth? And let them not be like those who were given the Scripture before, and a long period passed over them, so their hearts hardened; and many of them are defiantly disobedient.” (Qur’an 57:16)

Allah (swt) is asking a question that should tug at the heart of every believer. Is it not time that the believer is moved by the words of Allah? Is it not time that when the believer comes across the mention of paradise, the believer cries to Allah seeking it? Is it not right that when the believer hears of the mention of the hellfire, the believer humbly seeks protection from it? How is it that a movie can bring believers to tears (which is fine), but the mention of the heart-breaking story of Yusuf `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) keeps us stone hearted? Allah (swt) then gives the example of the people who were given a book themselves earlier and mentions what happened to them. A long time passed and their hearts hardened. And a hardened heart leads to a defiantly disobedient soul.

It has been a long time since the last Ramadan. Sadly, for most of us, it has meant that the quality of our good deeds has gone down. We make du`a’ (supplication), but there is no longer that fervour, that neediness that we displayed in front of Allah (swt). We were so conscious of sinning back then. Now, we let so many of our sins slide. Heart-breaking it may be, but the truth is that for many of us, over the past year our hearts have indeed gone hard. A mountain has crept up that is not humbled anymore at the remembrance of Allah (swt). But we are believers after all. While the ayah (verse) above is reprimanding us, it is still calling us believers. And in that very word lies the hope. Allah (swt) continues in the next ayah:

“Know that Allah gives life to the earth after its lifelessness. We have made clear to you the signs; perhaps you will understand.” (Qur’an 57:17)

The nature of the words of Allah (swt) is such that after every warning there is hope. After every reprimand there is advice. Allah doesn’t tell us about His anger or about our weaknesses such that we feel a serious bout of low self-esteem and wallow in the ocean of self-pity. Rather Allah gives warnings, mentions His punishment and scolds the believers to only remind them of their purpose and bring them back to Him. After Allah reprimanded us for the hardening of our hearts, He gives a very clear coded message. Allah (swt) is the One who gives life to the dead earth. Similarly, He is the One who can give life to our dead hearts.

Both the land and the heart are revived by what Allah (swt) sends from the sky. For the land, Allah sends rain; “And who sends down rain from the sky in measured amounts, and We revive thereby a dead land – thus will you be brought forth,” (Qur’an 43:11). For the hearts, Allah sent down the Qur’an; “O mankind, there has to come to you advice from your Lord and healing for what is in the chests and guidance and mercy for the believers,” (Qur’an 10:57).

The Qur’an is to our heart what the rain is to the land. Just like the land is revived by the rain, so are our hearts revived by the Qur’an. And what is the only thing that can actually break through a mountain? Water.

Water breaks through a mountain not because of its power, but because of its persistence. In front of us lies Ramadan, the month in which was revealed the Qur’an. There is no better time than now to start hammering at the mountain that has crept into our hearts with the water that has been sent.

The best time of the year to revive our dead heart is now. This Ramadan, let us irrigate our hearts with the Qur’an. Wherever we are with the book, let us improve our relationship with it. Perhaps we struggle to read the Qur’an. Make time to read the Qur’an more this Ramadan. Perhaps we read fluently and want to start reading a good translation of the Qur’an. Perhaps we might enroll in an Arabic course to understand the Qur’an better.

Let us heed the advice of the narration of our beloved Prophet ﷺ (peace be unto him):

“O people of the Qur’an, do not go take the Qur’an lightly. Recite it during all hours of the night and day. And spread it, beautify it and reflect upon it so that you may be successful.” (Narrated by al-Bayhaqi in Shu’ab al-Iman)

To my dearest daughter,

As a mother, there is so much that I wish I could teach you from my experiences. And I constantly worry that I will not be able to do so; that I will fail to teach you the most important of life lessons, getting caught up in the grind of everyday happenings. I also fear I will not be able to protect you from all the harms and hurts that will come your way. At times I wish I could build a shield, hug you tightly in my arms and never let you go. And yet I know that one day, this bundle of joy in my arms will grow up. She will leave the nest and go face the world. And I also know, deep in my heart, that every good, bad, ease, hardship, pain and joy that comes your way is not in my control and never will be.  All I can do is help prepare you for this journey we call life. So if there is one lesson I wish I could teach you about life, it is this:

Don’t let your source of happiness be the externals in your life. Rather, let your sense of happiness derive from the internal, that is, within yourself.

It is true; there are many external things that will give you happiness. Toys, new clothes and shoes, yummy food, mouthwatering desserts, vacations, hanging out with friends, love from your parents, a new room, a fabulous job, admission to a prestigious university, your life partner and your children. All these things will undoubtedly bring much joy to your life, insha’Allah (God willing). However, what one needs to realize is that all these things are temporary, and hence the pleasure they cause is also temporary. Those very same friends who brought so much laughter into your life may one day move away from you and get busy with their own lives. That cake on which you were happily munching will finish. That new room/house you were excitedly decorating will get old. That spouse whose words made your heart melt with joy will say words that will make your heart ache with pain. Those same people who were admiring and praising you yesterday will be criticizing you tomorrow. Those parents who showered you with love and care will also scold you, discipline you and one day, they will die, leaving you feeling broken and empty.

Such is the nature of this world. It is a roller coaster ride. The more your happiness depends upon places, things and people, the more disappointed you will be. Why? Because the very things upon which you are depending are temporary and imperfect by nature. So what should one do? Lose all hope and thrive on hopelessness? No, the answer is for us to have hopes in the being that is perfect, free from flaw, the ever-living, the best of helpers. And that, my dear daughter, is Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). He alone will help you when all else fails. He alone knows your fears and will remove those fears from your heart. He alone knows the number of teardrops you have shed and why.  He alone will respond to your calls whenever you call upon Him. He alone will love you unconditionally even when you have messed up. He alone will forgive you, even when you do not deserve to be forgiven. He alone will continue to care for you even when you have forgotten Him. He alone will heal your heart, when the world has broken it.

Whoever holds on tightly to Allah (swt) has held on to the best of handholds. Such a person will never feel lost, alone or scared.

Your strongest weapon in this world, my beloved daughter, is the light of iman (faith) in your heart. It is this light which should be your source of happiness. Trust me. You will be able to face all kinds of situations and circumstances, even the most difficult of them, with happiness and ease, if you make Allah (swt) your source of happiness. This is the path to ultimate peace and joy.

This article is a  response to the letter “From the Youth” that was previously published on this site.

Dear H.M.,

You spoke from your heart, and it reached ours. Your voice is needed, desperately. We need to hear your thoughts; we will always recognise your voice—keep using it. Keep your heart open a little longer, for this is a dialogue: we need to speak to each other.

We never imagined it would be this hard for you, or for us. At your birth, we photo-shopped our minds: erased historical prejudices, airbrushed away cultural biases and brightened the picture, sharpened the faith-filled focus and patched together the best environment we could to receive and nurture you. We never expected that you would have to deal with this much, beyond your and our control.

You are never far. Your ‘being’, your challenges, your hurdles, your triumphs, the hope in your eyes are always at the front of our minds.

Yes, you are the pulse of our hearts. Without you though, we do exist. We are individuals with the same fire, passions, doubts and insecurities as you have; we have just learnt to live with them. You are a part of us, but not a reflection of us; just as we are not reflected in you – entirely. Yes, we share a symbiotic relationship; we have ties that transcend all, a bond that defies words and logic. But do not make the mistake of thinking our efforts are reflected in you anymore than a farmer who has toiled and sweat over his seedlings has any control over a storm that sweeps away all the blossoms he nurtured painstakingly. The result does not reflect the effort. On this journey of nurturing you, we have come to know, and then believe, that our efforts—flawed and patchy though they may be—are not the whole picture. We toil together, and we pray earnestly for your success, and yes, together that defines the future.

Seek us, hear us, friend us.

Your digital world is one we have held the hand of from its inception. Year by year, we walked with each new stage, stepping up to the next feature, exchanging our pen, paper and payphone world for the keyboard. So, while we may have tired from chasing and subscribing to every new platform, it is not because we can’t understand, but because we have made choices. Choices. We make choices to stay in control of our lives. All our admonitions, clashes and unwanted advice are because we want you to have the freedom of choice over the most valuable asset you have: your time. We understand technology, and we also understand enslavement. Sincere advice: break free. Look into the eyes of those close to you, walk with them beside a real sunset: face their face. We are here to help you, but we can’t do it alone. You have to want to live beyond the screen.

We are home too. Born on this soil, the same as you, we have muddled along with labels: native, foreign, country of origin, motherland – bewildered and lost. We too have walked a similar path to yours, step by step. A path lined with an aching desire to belong somewhere completely, walking this way and that, and finding we belong neither here, nor over there – our parents’ country. We had to make this our home. Ever since you have appeared, we have been working brick by brick, value by value, dialogue after dialogue to make this, here, now, a comfortable home for your identity. We have made mistakes. We have inherited other mistakes. At times we have had our ‘home-making’ efforts thwarted by those who want to see discord and divisions. But, between the earth under our feet and the skies above, we have tried and continue to try to be at home, with you here. Even though there are days when the heart aches and calls out: ‘where is home? I want to go home…’ Maybe we have fallen into the ‘gap’; neither belonging to the minaret skyline of our parents, nor feeling accepted in the urban jungles we survive in. Four decades to think over this has taught us a valuable lesson: that we truly are travellers, resting in the shade for a while. Transient. We want you to find comfort, acceptance, and joy, and to contribute to the land you are born in. It is a work in progress, for all of us…

There is no blame, no shame in learning to love Islam. Your honesty is what matters. It is from honesty with your nafs (self), that the love will grow from within. From the outside you are bombarded by all the messages of what Islam is not. We could only protect you from this to a point. If we could quiet the cacophony we would. Search from the inside, and you will find faith in the faith that will bring you peace.

We have faith in you. You are part of this planet’s future, a better future. Walk your own path as we did. When you fall, as we did, take responsibility for it. Privilege and responsibility go hand in hand. If we are your roots, then do not sever us. Many people will cross your path and tug you this way and that. As your stem is pulled, deep below, you do not see the indescribable pain we feel, fearing a severance. Standing firm is staying grounded. We will anchor you.

We do not see our paths as growing apart, rather, we rejoice in the novel, superior paths some of you are showing us. We are proud of those paths built by gems who have risen above the clamour and created highways to bridge the chasms…and gaps.

Do not be confined by a gap. Come out into the meadow and flourish.

Photo: Tubb

All right, so this might be a bit difficult, a bit abstract. Maybe you won’t even understand an iota of what I will try to explain—but hopefully, I can express it in words.

Do you know that aching feeling that there is something wrong? That there is something that needs to be fixed? That feeling that there is something missing, something just out of place? It is such a sad feeling—almost devastating. Do you know it?

Hopefully, I can express it in words.

I had that feeling once. Or rather, it was a never-ending feeling, constant, always there. Eating away at my soul, at my sanity, at me. I thought it was normal, that everyone felt this way. This is what they call the pain of separation, right? But separation from whom? And if we reunite, will it be gone? Do you know that feeling, that aching emptiness?

Hopefully, I can express it in words.

It is that feeling that you get when you see someone you absolutely love, and want to run into his or her arms. The craving for a hug that makes all the pain go away. Except, I could not see him. Who was he? Where could I find him? I needed his hug but he was not there to give it to me. No, it’s not that he wasn’t there—there was a barrier between us—keeping us separated. And so the pain of that separation only increased. Is this starting to make sense? Are you starting to feel it within your soul?

I don’t know… I just hope I can express it in words.

It took me time to realize the solution. I had to break the wall, but it takes more than just the power of a hammer. It takes more than the power of a bulldozer. You cannot break the wall by beating it down with anything of this world. It takes tools that are stronger than you can carry. It takes tools that are brighter than you can see. It takes tools that you have never laid eyes on, at least not yet. I stood at that wall for so long. I had nothing, nothing, but my bare hands and naked feet. I stood there, not knowing how to break the wall. So I placed two palms on it, felt its cold, spiritless texture, and began to do the only thing I could think of doing. I banged my head against it. Why my head? Who do such a crazy thing? Well, because my head housed my brain, my `aql, the thing I think with. It was the most powerful thing that I had—or so I thought. And so I banged my head against the wall, hoping and praying that it would break down, crumble, collapse.

But it didn’t.

I began to bruise, to break, and to bleed.

I began to crumble and collapse within myself. I tried so hard, and I just wanted a hug. One hug. Why could I not do it? I looked everywhere for a solution. I looked to the top of that hard brick wall, could I climb it? No, my feet would slip and my hands would blister. I looked to the left, hoping I could see where the wall ends, but it went on as far as my little eyes could see. I began to give up hope, knowing that I could never make it to that man who carried the hug that would make it all better. I gave up hope, so I did the only thing that my body would let me do: I hit the ground on my knees, then my forehead. And then, for an instant, there was peace. And then, for an instant, I could hear a whisper. And that whisper is the one very important thing that I really hope, for you and for me, that I can express in words.

I almost didn’t hear it, because it was ever so faint. You have something stronger. You have something stronger. Stronger than what? What could this whisper be talking about? You have something stronger than the bruised and bloodied head that you have been banging against the wall. You have something stronger. I began to think about what this could possibly mean. What could possibly be stronger than that brain of mine that I had been using to guide me in every which direction? What could it be? And then I heard the whisper confirm my biggest fear: You have your heart. The one thing I did not want to use.

My hand flew to my chest. No, no, no. This cannot be it. This cannot be what I have to use. I decided long ago that this heart had been hurt too much, had been shattered too many times, and it would never be used again. Whenever I used that piece of flesh within, I became vulnerable. I gave it away too easily, to the wrong people, and it never recovered. I began to shake my head violently, tears splattering with every shake. And then I heard the voice, louder this time, and much more soothing: Shh. Settle down. Trust me, this time is different. It only hurts when you give it to the wrong person. Your heart is greater than that. Your heart was meant to contain only greatness, so do not settle for anything less. I breathed in deeply, and let the air out from between my lips. Again I breathed in, allowing the fear and the sorrow to be expelled on the way out. I lifted my head and looked around for the next step. And then I saw what was about to come.

Man oh man, I hope I can express it in words.

It was to the far right; I had given up before gazing in that direction. It was a door, a real door in the brick wall. My first thought was that it was a joke, or maybe some weird mirage. Maybe someone was playing a trick on me. But then I realized, that was my brain talking, so I told it to be quiet. Hush, brain. This is a job for the heart. I listened to my heart and it urged me, ever so quietly, to tread on. I walked to the door with wobbly legs, feeling pain throughout my body with every step. I was so tired. So tired. My brain told me to give up, that it was just too much for my body to bear, but my heart said to keep on, and so I did. I reached for the door, and turned the knob. I turned it to the left, then to the right. It would not budge.

It. Was. Locked.

I fell to the ground sobbing. How could it be locked? How could it not open? What is the only thing worse than having no hope at all? Finally having the strongest hope that something will work, and then having that hope snatched away in a split second. The door was locked. But as I sobbed between gasps for air, I heard my heart once again: The lock. You just need to unlock the lock.

I settled down again, thinking with my heart about what could possibly open this door of doors. I began to think, and to think and to think. And then I heard it, my heart of hearts saying the most profound words I had ever heard: Sali `ala annabi (Say, “Peace be upon the Prophet ﷺ”).

Come again?

Sali `ala annabi.

And so I did. And as the words came out of my mouth, I did not even have to reach for the knob. The door slid open, and the light poured forth. I got up, and ran in with my wobbly feet and my disheveled look. I saw him there in the middle, smiling, like I knew he would be. I wrapped my arms around him, and he hugged me. He hugged me. A hug that melted every evil thought, every broken heart, every hurtful word, every negative feeling, away. Far, far away. And he did not let go. He just hugged me, and let me cry until I was done. And then I looked at him, trying to see him, but instead only seeing light. And I heard his blessed voice telling me: Now that you have come through the right door, and handed me your heart: rise. Rise to your Lord, and I will accompany you on your journey.

Allahuma salli `ala Sayidna Muhammad wa `ala aali Sayidna Muhammad wa salim tasleeman katheera. Wa salim tasleeman katheera.

(May God send peace upon the Prophet and the family of the Prophet and grant peace, many times over. And grant peace, many times over. )

By Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

• Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
• Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
• Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
• Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
• Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
• Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
• Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
• Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
• Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
• Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
• Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
• Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere. 

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

_____________________________________________________________________

Sources:

http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org

By Farhia Yahya

I was once walking along a narrow but busy street in Cairo when ahead of me was a donkey-cart laden with handmade pottery and clay utensils. It belonged to an old man who had been walking slowly beside it, and trying to sell whatever he could to make an income. He walked with hunched-shoulders, a turban tied round his head like a Sa’idi from Upper Egypt, his face wrinkled by age and the harsh Egyptian sun. It wasn’t hard to see that many difficult years had passed over him and he had probably been doing this for a long while.

As I continued to walk, I heard a cry and some commotion. The donkey had staggered back (probably startled by something) and as a result, the harnessing pushed the cart upwards, sending the pottery and clay shattering out into the street. It was heartbreaking to see the poor man’s face turn dark and sorrowful. With a heavy heart, he began to pick up the broken and chipped pieces of clay and pottery; his livelihood and merchandise that no one was going to buy now.

But as he did so, I began to see random people come out of shops and apartments, hurrying towards him and picking up his pottery from the street. There was no more hustle and bustle; just a quiet silence as people stopped to help him. Cars stopped out of respect, or slowly diverted around the broken and chipped clay. What was truly moving was to see many people pull out money and give it to the man as if they were purchasing the broken clay, except they weren’t buying anything (other than Paradise I guess). Drivers stuck out money from their window for the poor aged man, and almost every person who helped pick up the pieces also chipped in with sadaqah (charity). They realized that today, he wasn’t going to be making much money… in fact for that whole month to come, he probably wasn’t going to be making much at all.

It was incredible to see the hearts of people move like this. Humanity may disappear and people may be cruel towards the poor in certain places and at certain times, but in other places and at other times, the humanity is truly beautiful.

Keep your heart close to the poor and needy; they help to keep it alive.

Excerpts from

By Dr. `Umar Sulayman Al-Ashqar (may Allah have mercy on him) | Translated by Naiyerah Kolkailah

The Difficulty of Attaining Sincerity

Having true sincerity is one of the most difficult things to achieve, and it is not only the common people who experience this; many scholars and righteous people struggle with it too. Sufyan Ath-Thawri says: “I have never dealt with anything more difficult than my intention; it keeps changing on me.”

That is why the Messenger ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) would often supplicate, “O turner of hearts, keep my heart firm upon Your faith.”

He would also often say in his oaths, “Nay, by the turner of hearts.”

The heart changes frequently in its aims and intentions, and you can see this just by how much your heart’s aims and wishes vary within one hour. The Messenger ﷺ says: “There is no heart except that it is suspended between Two Fingers of the Most Merciful; if He wills, He keeps it firm, and if He wills, He deviates it; and the scale is in the Hand of the Most Merciful—He elevates some people and debases others, until the Day of Judgment.”

The Messenger ﷺ says: “Surely, the heart of the son of Adam turns over and over more than a pot of boiling water.”

The reason hearts change and turn so much is because of the amount of factors influencing the heart. As Sahl ibn Abdillah says, the heart is “delicate and easily affected by passing thoughts.”

Al-Harith al-Muhasabi mentions three factors that affect the heart.

The first is the warnings of the Most-Merciful. As the hadith (narration) says, “Whomever Allah wills good for him, He will place for him a warning conscience in his heart.”

In another hadith, the Messenger of Allah ﷺ says, “Allah, the All-Mighty, sets forth a parable of the straight path: on either side of the path are walls with open doors, and the doors are draped with curtains. On the path, there is a caller saying, ‘O people enter all of you onto the path and do not deviate.’ Another caller also calls at the head of the path. So, when a person attempts to open one of these doors, the caller says, ‘Beware, do not open it. If you open it, then you will go through it (and leave the straight path).’ The path is Islam, and the walls are Allah’s legal boundaries, and the open doors are what Allah has forbidden. The caller at the head of the path is the Book of Allah, and the caller on the straight path is the warning conscience of Allah that is in the heart of every Muslim.”

The second element that influences the heart is Satan’s adornment of evil acts, and all his suggestions and whispers. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has commanded His messenger to flee to Allah, seeking refuge from Satan’s attempts: “And if an evil suggestion comes to you from Satan, then seek refuge in Allah. Surely, He is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.”

It is out of Allah’s wisdom that He made the hearts of His servants this battlefield, where both an angel and a devil vie for influence; one overtakes it sometimes, and the other at other times. The All-Mighty says, “Satan threatens you with poverty, and commands you to evil, while God promises you forgiveness from Him and bounty.”

The Messenger ﷺ elucidates this in the hadith: “Surely, an angel puts thoughts in the heart of the son of Adam, and the devil also puts thoughts. The angel’s thoughts promise goodness and affirm the truth, and the devil’s thoughts promise evil and reject the truth.” Then he read, “Satan threatens you with poverty, and commands you to evil, while God promises you forgiveness from Him and bounty.”

As Ibn Al-Qayyim says, “Satan bewitches the mind until it overpowers it, and nobody is safe from his magic except whomever Allah wills. He makes the harmful act seem appealing, until a person imagines that it is the most beneficial of things; and he turns him away from beneficial things, until he imagines that they are harmful to him. La ilaha illa Allah (there is no deity but God). How many people are deceived by this magic, and how many hearts are deprived of Iman (faith), Islam, and Ihsan (excellence in faith/worship) because of it; and how much has falsehood been adorned so it appears positive; and how much has truth been denigrated so it appears negative!”

The third source of influence on the heart is the self, since it commands one to do evil acts, and calls to disobedience: “Surely, the self constantly commands to evil.” The Prophet of Allah, Ya`qub (Jacob), told his sons when they claimed that the wolf ate Yusuf (Joseph): “No, your own selves enticed you to something (evil).” The All-Mighty also said regarding Adam’s son who killed his brother, “Then his own self persuaded him to kill his brother.”

The Muslim cannot be saved from the self that incites evil, and his own whims and desires, except through persistent struggle and self-discipline, and through arming oneself with the weapons Allah (swt) gave him, such as dhikr (remembrance of Allah), recitation of the Qur’an, acts of devotion and worship, etc.

Why God is the Ultimate Aim

The human being will be miserable if his aim is directed toward anything besides His Creator, and he will become even more miserable when he accumulates more worries and aimless endeavors. If a person’s aim is not uniformly devoted to One above all worldly endeavors, this person will find herself not knowing where to go and what direction to take. But a Muslim’s aim is One, and the methodology that guides her toward this aim is one; and thus, she is able to please God and follow His guidance.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ says, “Whoever makes the Hereafter his goal, Allah places abundance in his heart, and organizes his affairs, and the world comes to him despite its unwillingness. And whoever’s aim is worldly gain, Allah puts poverty before his eyes, and disorganizes his affairs, and nothing of this world comes to him, except what has been decreed for him.”

Signs of Sincerity

Imam al-Shafi`i (may Allah have mercy on him) says, “How I wish the creation would learn this knowledge without attributing even one letter of it to me.”

He also says, “I have not spoken to anyone except that I wished that he is supported and aided, and that he is under Allah’s care and protection.”

Imam al-Ghazali says, “There is one sign that shows true sincerity in a person who counsels and advises others for the sake of God and not for people’s acceptance; if he is replaced by someone who is better, more knowledgeable, or more articulate than him, and people’s acceptance of that person surpasses his own, then he will be pleased, and he will thank Allah for relieving him from his obligation with someone more qualified than him.”

The sign of one who aims to impress others is that he will be pleased with words of praise or appreciation, even if they are not true; and he will be upset with words of criticism, even if they are true. The same applies to those who are after money. But that is not the case with the sincere one; she is pleased with the word of truth—whether it be for her or against her, and she is angered by a word of falsehood—whether it be in her favor or against her.

The sincere person finds no problem in everyone’s hearts being void of appreciation for him, if his heart is sound in the Eyes of Allah, the All-Mighty. He also does not wish for any person to see even an atom’s weight of his good deeds. If the sincere person is presented with two matters, one for Allah and one for worldly gain, he will prefer what is for Allah— knowing that this life is fleeting and the Hereafter permanent.

The believer may also find hardness in the heart, but it is the hardness of ice, not rock.  The causes for this hardness are many and we must all be vigilant about their appearance. Among them are:

1. Preferring this dunya (life) over the Hereafter and becoming deluded by worldly pursuits.  The love and attachment one has to this dunya is directly proportionate to the hardness that will afflict his/her heart.

Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) says:

 O mankind, indeed the promise of Allah is truth, so let not the worldly life delude you and be not deceived about Allah by the Deceiver. (Qur’an 35:5)

2. Having corrupt companionship.  The human being is made up of a nafs (lower self) and a qalb (the seat of intellect and emotion).  Our relationships affect us on both levels of our existence.  Association with people who have overbearing nufoos (pl. of nafs) and corrupted hearts causes contagion.  Their internal evil attacks us without our realizing it.

Allah (swt) says:

 Close friends, that Day, will be enemies to each other, except for the righteous. (Qur’an 43:67)

3. Engaging in sin without repentance.

Allah (swt) says:

No! Rather, the stain has covered their hearts of that which they were earning. (Qur’an 83:14)

In the following lines of poety, Abdullah ibn al-Mubaarak sums up the effects of sins on the heart, saying:

رأيت الذنوب تميت القلوب      وقد يورث الذل إدمانها

وترك الذنوب حياة القلوب      وخير لنفسك عصيانها

“I noticed that sins cause death to the heart, and becoming addicted to them brings about humiliation; and that the abandonment of sin is life for the hearts, so it is best for your self to disobey it!”

4. Heedlessness of the reality of death and being unoccupied with matters of the Hereafter.

The Prophet ﷺ (may God’s peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to think of death often, saying:

أكثروا ذكر هادم اللذات: الموت

“Remember often the destroyer of passions and pleasure – death!” ((Ahmad, Ibn Maajah, Tirmidhee, Nasaa`ee, others, Saheeh (narration of Abu Hurayrah)))

The salaf (pious predecessors of this Ummah) understood this well.  Ar-Rabee’ ibn Khuthaym radi allahu `anhu (may God have mercy on him) dug out a grave in his home that he would lie in several times a day to ensure the continuous remembrance of death and he used to say, “If my heart abandons the remembrance of death for even just an hour, it would become corrupted.”

5. Heedlessness with regard to the remembrance of Allah (swt).

The heart is either filled with remembrance of Allah or the whispers of Satan.  Allah (swt) says:

And whoever is blinded from remembrance of the Most Merciful – We appoint for him a devil, and he is to him a companion. (Qur’an 43:36)

Any or all of these causes draw the heart into a state of hibernation. As the thick snow of winter piles upon it, the heart becomes frozen and numb. Deeper and deeper does it sink into sleep until, when it is time to leave this world:

 [It will be said], “You were certainly in heedlessness of this, and We have removed from you your cover, so your sight, this Day, is sharp.” (Qur’an 50:22)

The Qur’an reminds us of this reality NOW, before it is too late!  Reciting, reading, pondering over, and acting upon the Qur’an can revive the seed of the fitra (innate disposition towards the oneness of God) even if it is buried under a glacier.  At length, does the seed wait for the ice to thaw and for spring to come.  Then, one blessed day, the heart hears the following words:

Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? And let them not be like those who were given the Scripture before, and a long period passed over them, so their hearts hardened; and many of them are defiantly disobedient. (Qur’an 57:16)

Tears begin to flow because the ice that has encapsulated the heart for so long is finally thawing.  The heart is softening to the remembrance of Allah (swt) and even the skin is becoming sensitive to the change of seasons. ((See Quran 39:23))  The seed begins to grow.  Spring has come at last!

This is the essence of the beautiful supplication that the Prophet ﷺ taught us:

“O Allah, I am your slave and the son of your male slave and the son of your female slave. My forelock is in Your Hand (i.e. you have control over me). Your Judgment upon me is certainly in effect and Your Decree concerning me is just. I ask You by every Name that belongs to You; that which You have named Yourself with, or You have revealed in Your Book , or that which You have taught to any one of Your creation, or that which You have exclusively kept unto Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You; to make the Qur’an the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, the banisher of my grief and anxiety.” ((Ahmad, Ibn Hibban, (hadeeth of Ibn Mas’ood) Al-Albani graded it authentic in As-Silsilaah As-Saheehah No. 199. For more on the benefits of this prayer, see Ibn Al-Qayyim’s explanation in “al-Fawaa’id”, pp. 44))

For those who do not think that the Qur’an can actually bring about such a dramatic change in the heart, consider this.

It is reported that al-Qadi ‘Iyaad (ra), who lived during the 2^nd century AH, was a highway robber in the beginning of his life.  At one point he also became enamored with a woman and as he was climbing a wall to reach the object of his desire, he heard this verse being recited (57:16).  The impact of the verse was so strong upon him that he said with confidence, “Yes, O Lord! The time has come!”  Propelled by immense spiritual drive, he repented to Allah, left behind the life of disobedience and devoted himself to the Ka’bah to study the sacred sciences.  Thereafter, he was known for his asceticism (zuhd) and intense worship. ((Adh-Dhahabee, “Siyat A’laam an-Nubalaa`”))

Khashyah, awe of Allah (swt), is what continues to squeeze tears from the heart like sweet juice flows from a ripe fruit, long after winter has subsided.  Being moved to tears upon the remembrance of Allah (swt) is the characteristic of those who know Allah (al-‘aarifeen) and are devoutly submissive to Him.  It is a sign that the knowledge of the Truth has penetrated the heart and has become Certainty.  ((See Qur’an 17:107-109))