How to Achieve Tranquility of the Heart Series

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII | Part XIX | Part XX

Sometimes it feels like it’s just too much – these fluctuations in our iman, the repeated sinning, the feeling that “I just don’t deserve Allah’s mercy.” The tests always feel like punishments. There is a constant worry about the future: my marriage, my money, my career, my ummah (community)… And some difficulties just feel like they are too great to overcome. We know we’re not supposed to ask this, but the question at the back of our minds is, “Why me?”

We have all heard that we should never despair of Allah’s Mercy. And on the surface, we try not to, but Shaytaan (the Devil) has a trick. We tend to despair of ourselves and our incapacity to change things, especially the inner turmoil that we feel. And the effect of this is basically the same as despairing of Allah’s mercy. We do not always accept that Allah can take us out of the situation we are in and we don’t need to ‘deserve’ the trouble; Allah isn’t punishing us and we don’t need to be perfect.

This doesn’t mean, however, that we shouldn’t strive, or take ourselves to account when we do mess up. The key is to develop our relationship with Allah during that trouble. If we know Allah, no situation is too hopeless. No sadness is ever permanent. We perceive trials as they are meant to be perceived – as tests of our trust in Allah, forcing us to put our knowledge into practice and bringing us closer to Him. These trials could potentially be a punishment too, that is if we let it affect us negatively by completely turning away from Him because of our sadness. But our awareness of our own state and our understanding of Allah’s Mercy allows us to turn the punishment into something positive that is manifested through repentance to Allah, alongside increasing in hasanat (good deeds) in order to erase the bad deeds.

The first exercise is for us to consciously realize that Allah knows. Whatever grief we go through, whatever hardship we endure, we must understand that we are never alone. Even if we feel abandoned by the world and those closest to us, Allah is there. He reminds us in the Qur’an,

“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you [both]; I hear and I see.” (20:46)

As long as we begin by recognizing that Allah is with us and He is close to us, there remains a solution to our inner worries. There are things we need to know in order to develop our relationship with Allah. Then there are things we need to do in order to maintain that closeness to Allah. And finally, there are things we need to aspire for to achieve the ideal relationship with our Lord. We pray that by the end of the series, we will all have developed a stronger relationship with Allah.

Note: some of us suffer from clinical depression or similar medical conditions, and this needs to be dealt with by a professional. Working on our relationship with Allah no doubt helps, but sometimes more than a spiritual fix may be needed.

Originally published in July 2011

Commanded to Love: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI |Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV

It’s hard, living so far away from a man we love so much. It’s hard, not being able to see his blessed face ourselves, or smell the sweet smell that he was famous for emitting. It’s hard not having witnessed the epitome of human mercy. It’s hard not ever being able to hear his blessed voice reciting the Qur’an. But most of all, it’s hard not knowing—would he love me if he knew me? Take comfort, he loved you more than you could even imagine.

We know that the relationship between our beloved Messenger ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of God be upon him) and his Companions was a very unique relationship. They loved him greatly and it was easy to see that he loved them as well. They believed in the message he brought while many of his people mocked him and belittled him. They were by his side in the tough times, willing to sacrifice their very own lives for him. Often it is easy to wish and crave that we were in their shoes, loving the Prophet ﷺ whole heartedly and being loved.

Our beloved Messenger ﷺ, a few days before the greatest calamity, his very own death, was walking by his Companions (as at this time he had difficulty walking on his own) and uttered words that will fill any Muslim’s heart with joy and comfort. He said to them, ‘I wish that I could meet my brothers.’ At first glance it is easy to assume that he is talking about the previous Prophets or Messengers from the past. The Companions were also confused so they asked him, ‘Are we not your brothers?’ He replied, ‘You are my companions; my brothers are those who will believe in me, without having seen me.’

Allahu Akbar! (God is Great!)

He yearned to meet us. His heart was filled with true love for us: the ones who believe in him yet have not seen him, and if there is one thing we know about his love-it’s that it is not superficial love. There is no greater feeling in this world than to love and to be loved back, now imagine loving the best of creation, and knowing for a fact that he loved you right back. Wa alhamdulillah (and Praise be to God).

May we be included in those whom he speaks about when he says ‘my brothers are those who will believe in me without having seen me’ and may we drink from his blessed hands at the fountain on the Day of Judgment. And most of all, may we be blessed with his blessed companionship in Jannah (Paradise) and never again have to be separated from our beloved, sal Allahu alayhi wa salam.

By Hiba Khan

From childhood to the moment we leave this earth, we are conditioned to think in the way of the world. A world that is characterised by limits, finite in its very nature. From the colossal star that lights our days, provides the conditions required for life and keeps us circling a steady orbit, to the cells that constitute the bodies we inhabit, everything around us is limited. The sun will one day collapse, just as the matter that makes up our human forms will return to dust. We see boundaries, curbs and confinement, which extend from fossil fuels and the concept of time all the way to our own self-imposed structures. It is only ever physically possible for a certain number of us to get into university or get a job, regardless of aptitude and potential. It struck me as a young child that the only instance in which we are not faced with a cut-off, where competition is not defined by a fixed number of spaces and positions, is Jannah (Paradise). There will be no disappointment because you were not within the 60,000 person cut-off mark; we are not racing against one another because the palaces might run out before we make it. With Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) there are no limits, because He is limitless.

There are no frontiers or caps where He is concerned, a concept our minds can never truly comprehend because they themselves are built with limits. What we tend to forget however is that our souls and our spiritual hearts, the essence of what we are, belong to another realm; the realm of their Lord, which is infinite, absolute, eternal and illimitable. Our non-physical aspects therefore cannot be categorised and condemned to the nature of this world. Allah’s (swt) love for us is boundless, His mercy is without beginning or end, and it is from this nature that the concept of un-conditionality arises. Our souls, in their divine essence, can be vessels for this boundless mercy and love if He so wills it.

Imagine a tap whose source is a lake. Water will flow from the tap so long as there is water in the lake, perhaps for days, perhaps for weeks, until the lake runs dry. Now imagine a tap connecting to an ocean. Water will flow from the tap for years, but eventually, even the mighty ocean will have been drained. However, if there was an infinite water supply, in which every drop of water is replaced instantaneously after being removed, water would flow from the attached tap forever. We all know that the output depends directly on the source. Undeniably, the characteristics of the provider are reflected in what is provided.

We are like the tap: if we connect ourselves to a limited source, however vast, expansive and mighty that source may be, we will one day run dry. Our love and mercy will cease to gush forth as we tire and become worn out. But if our source is infinite and endless, in need of no replenishment or renewal because it is perfect and complete, our souls can truly fulfil their divine potential. Our souls can act as vessels for the most beautiful and pure phenomenon in physical and spiritual existence. If we connect ourselves wholly and securely to Allah (swt), only then are we able to channel love and mercy unconditionally to others.

We must free ourselves from the shackles of how we have been programmed to think in this world. Stop applying imperfect, narrowed limitations and restrictions to things that are above any bounds. Make Him the sole source and reason for our loving and giving, and there will be no reason to hold back, to be fearful or cautious of what we give to the souls intertwined in ours. Because it is for Him and from Him, be it kindness with a family member or compassion for a stranger on the street, our hearts will be filled up and content. It is for and from He Who rewards, He Who gives without measure, He Whose bounty and praise are all-embracing.

Even when our bodies become one with the earth from which they came, even when the sun’s brilliant burning is no more, all that we gave of love and mercy will remain, true and eternal just like He in Whose name it was dealt forth.

Lessons from the Story of Prophet Adam (Part II)

By Sabah El Kadi and Manal Hatab

Part I | Part II

This article is the second part of a series bringing forth the parenting lessons embedded in the story of Prophet Adam (as) in Surat Al-Baqara. To read the first 3 lessons, please visit the first part of this series here.

Lesson 4

Translate beneficial knowledge into practice.

“And [mention] when We said to the angels, ‘Prostrate before Adam’; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers. And We said, ‘O Adam, dwell, you and your wife, in Paradise and eat therefrom in [ease and] abundance from wherever you will. But do not approach this tree, lest you be among the wrongdoers.’” (Qur’an 2:34-35)

After Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) taught Adam `alayhi as-salaam (peace be upon him) the names, He then prohibited him and his wife from taking delight in one tree. Adam’s first concrete interaction—with Satan and the ensuing punishment—defined the beginning of his practical experiences. The purpose of the encounter with Satan was to teach Prophet Adam (as) and his wife about the nature of their struggle in the real world. According to Ma’riful Qur’an commentary: “They were warned that their existence on the earth would no longer be full of perpetual bliss as it had been in paradise, but there would be dissension and enmity among men, their progeny, which would spoil the joy of earthly life.” Consequently, Prophet Adam (as) learned that his struggle in the world will be between evil and good, and that evil is weak if he is armed with beneficial knowledge and yaqeen (certainty), the real weapons of the future deputy of God. It is those qualities which will protect his relationship with his Creator and strengthen it.

As the child grows older and reaches the age of discernment and beyond, he develops a moral compass and a concrete understanding of the world which are in line with the theological teachings of Islam (creed). This is the time for parents to give their growing children choices and responsibilities. Through closely supervised experiences, parents expose their children to life’s trying nature as prophet Adam (as) was exposed to the consequences of breaking God’s commandment. Giving children an opportunity to blend into their environments while making mistakes is paramount to their developmental growth and social competence. This is an important phase as the child gains the trust of his parents while he feels their unwavering presence in his life and experiences a practical application of his value system.

Those supervised exposures will support the child in navigating through his future with confidence, as he is able to delineate the boundaries, which define his relationship with his Creator, his relationship with the self, and his relationship with creation.

Lesson 5

Teach the child repentance with mercy and love.

“But Satan caused them to slip out of it and removed them from that [condition] in which they had been. And We said, ‘Go down, [all of you], as enemies to one another, and you will have upon the earth a place of settlement and provision for a time.’ Then Adam received from his Lord [some] words, and He accepted his repentance. Indeed, it is He who is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an, 2:36-37)

Prophet Adam (as) was afflicted with forgetfulness and ate from the forbidden tree. Thereafter God questioned him and he assumed responsibility for his actions. “And We had already taken a promise from Adam before, but he forgot; and We found not in him determination,” (Qur’an, 20: 115). Adam’s disobedience was not intentional. He grew accustomed to the comforts of paradise, forgot his promise and believed Satan. The lessons, which can be highlighted here, are two.

Firstly, Prophet Adam (as) learned how Allah (swt) reprimands the wrong doer and punishes him. Secondly, he learned how Allah (swt) forgives and reveals His mercy when the disobedient repents. Consequently, Adam’s disobedience was instrumental for him to experience the human quality of wrongdoing and the divine attribute of the merciful and compassionate God. Furthermore, mercy is an adornment of the deputy of God so that he may guide those wrong doers in this world to repentance by seeking their Lord.

Making mistakes is of human nature and contributes to invaluable room for emotional growth as it helps define the relationship that the child has with the self and with the Creator. Prophet Adam’s disobedience presented an opportunity for him to understand his weak self and the necessary mechanism to remedy wrong actions through repentance. He also understood that his relationship with his Creator is fortified through beneficial knowledge, which breeds yaqeen, and obedience to God’s commandments. He also learned that his biggest enemy is forgetfulness. Consequently, teaching children repentance is fundamental, as no human being is infallible as the following hadith (narration) states:

The Prophet ﷺ said: “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if you did not commit sin Allah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sin then pray for forgiveness.” Narrated by Muslim . He ﷺ also said: “Every son of Adam sins and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi)

During this phase of upbringing, parents may find many lessons in Prophet Ya`qub’s ((Jacob)) “responsive” parenting style. ((https://www.virtualmosque.com/society/dawah/prophet-yaqub-a-role-model-father/ )) His (as) wisdom and divine knowledge contributed to shaping Prophet Yusuf’s righteous personality as a child and to his unwavering presence in the lives of Yusuf’s misguided brothers. He (as) continuously called them to repentance though wisdom, patience and good counsel. Therefore , reminding our children so that they do not forget as their father Adam did and showing mercy towards them as Allah (swt) did towards Adam (as) are essential parenting tools to raising the future deputy on earth.

Lesson 6

The Earthly Struggle

“We said, ‘Go down from it, all of you. And when guidance comes to you from Me, whoever follows My guidance – there will be no fear concerning them, nor will they grieve. And those who disbelieve and deny Our signs – those will be companions of the Fire; they will abide therein eternally.’” (Qur’an, 2:38-39)

Prophet Adam (as) learned the consequences to disobedience; he repented and Allah (swt) opened His door to a world which He created and prepared for him to inhabit as His deputy on earth. Allah (swt) then left Prophet Adam (as) in this world with the complete freedom to fulfill this role and out of His mercy sent prophets as a gift and a reminder.

Consequently, whoever is guided in this world is in essence guided to paradise in the hereafter and whoever forgets and is misguided in this world is in essence misguided from the gift of paradise in the hereafter. God in His infinite mercy provided Adam (as) with the knowledge he needed to struggle in His way, taught him the mechanism of repentance and sent messengers to remind his descendents of the meaning of their existence. Those who fulfill their role of deputyship are the ones who rule with justice, avoid transgressions and follow God’s commandments. Those who corrupt and oppress themselves do not assume that divinely delegated role.

Conclusion

Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: “Religion is counsel,” (Muslim). Our children are the most entitled to such precious counsel until they take on the role of the deputy of God and struggle on their own to gain the pleasure of their Creator.

The first step in raising the future deputy of God lies in establishing safe environments, which reflect the orderliness and beauty of paradise. Attending to the physical and developmental needs of the child through “responsive” and nurturing parenting is equally important.

Secondly, imparting beneficial knowledge, which caters to the child’s learning needs and his age readiness is fundamental to shaping character, reinforcing values and empowering the child to understand the nature of the world and to overcome the fears bred through ignorance.

Thirdly, supporting the child in experiencing his environment broadens his insight into the nature of the world and provides him with practical application of his value system. Parents’ support must be always channeled through an attitude of love and open communication; they remind the child and reprimand him with mercy and love. Alluding to Prophet Ya’qub’s approach (as) to parenting proves to be a good example here, especially during the adolescent years.

Finally, as the child matures well beyond the age of discernment, parents teach him that his carnal instincts are a blessing if channeled towards what Allah (swt) made permissible. In doing so, he reaps the rewards of this life and the hereafter. They also teach him repentance while remaining steadfast to Allah’s commandments, through a character which manifests moderation and wisdom. Equally important, they teach him that his greatest enemy is forgetfulness if he steers away from God’s religion and that the door of mercy is open until he takes his last breath.

I thought about you this week when I was struggling. I thought about you again this week when I was reading a verse of the Qur’an. I thought about you again this week when reading an explanation of a verse in the Qur’an.

I thought about you this week.

I made a prayer for you this week.

I sent you loving thoughts this week.

You may be truly alone, or you may have no verbal explanation for this deep down ache that you constantly feel. You may be surrounded by people, everywhere you go. You may never get a moment to yourself, to be physically alone…yet still, you are a lonely soul.

And with that being said, I wanted to reach out today and tell you that YOU may be a special friend of God. Even if it feels like God has not given you all that you feel you need, believe me: He has given you more. And YOU may be a special friend of God.

Because when I think of you, dear lonely soul, I can’t help but remember the Prophet ﷺ (peace be unto him)—who was born, quite lonely. From the start he was born an orphan, and soon after his birth his mother passed away. No human can fully replace the presence of a loving mother and father in a child’s life. Yet this was not a sign that God did not love him. On the contrary, he is the most beloved of all creation to the Lord of the worlds. And he was born, lonely.

And when I think of you, dear lonely soul, I can’t help but remember the companions. Stranded. They were a small group, compared to the disbelievers at one time. When they accepted Islam they were promised that they would have khair maqaam, the best of states—in this world and the next. But their beginning did not seem this way. After their spiritual birth, they were pushed away and cursed by the people. They were made fun of and cut off. They were made to feel like they were outcasts, within their own tribe and people (and this was originally their support system in life). Not only that, but the disbelievers knew exactly how to dig the dagger deep: they called them out on this promise that God had made them. They looked to the Muslims and reminded them that God had told them they would have the best of states, yet this was not what was apparent.

And anyone who knows what being lonely feels like, knows this is not a small claim to say. Anyone who knows what being lonely feels like, knows that this statement itself could cause a lonely soul to, well, break.

What was the response to this? Was this claim ignored, leaving the seeds of doubt to be planted into the hearts of the people? Were the believers warned that if they would even dare to feel pain from such a statement they would have committed shirk/kufr/bidah (polytheism/disbelief/religious innovation)—or whatever other words we like to throw around so easily today?

No.

The response was a divine revelation—a verse of the Holy Qur’an came down upon our beloved Prophet ﷺ, a verse of Divine comfort.

“On those who believe and work deeds of righteousness will (Allah) Most Gracious bestow Love.” (Qur’an, 19:96)

This verse came down to comfort and reassure the companions and the Prophet ﷺ that God would place love for them in the hearts of the people. They would have a safe, strong and comforting community. They would have their high status.

And here is where I thought of you even more, dear lonely soul. In his commentary, Ibn Ajiba radi Allahu `anhu (may Allah be pleased with him) adds a few gems to warm the heart and soul. A dose of hope. He says that it is the custom of God (sunnah of God), when dealing with His special friends of the creation, to allow creation to be against them or distant from them. He allows even this special friend’s close circles to feel distant from them or sometimes worse. And contrary to our first assumption, this is all out of God’s mercy for His special friend. Why? So that this special friend of God comes closer and closer to Him. So that this special friend finds his or her internal home only in God. And once his or her heart is fully attached to God, and purified from seeking a home in anyone else, God opens the proverbial floodgates of love in the hearts of others for him or her. Suddenly, the once lonely soul is surrounded by more people they could imagine. But by this time, the once lonely soul is no longer lonely anyway, because that lonely spot in their heart, that was once aching and screaming, has already been filled with a beautiful relationship between God and this very special friend.

And so, dear lonely soul, I pray that this is the case for you. I pray that God takes your situation and causes it to be a means for you to return to Him in heart and soul, and that you truly do fulfill your potential of being His special friend.

And you can pray for that too. Ask Him to take your pain and make it a healing. Take your pain and make it of ultimate benefit for your relationship with Him. And when you ask Him, know He will respond. He will answer your plea. He has already promised that.

                                                                                                            With Love,

                                                                                                            Reehab

Ramadan is upon us once again. 30 days and nights for restoration, healing, revival and forgiveness. Resuscitation for our choking souls, weak and feverish as we have allowed them to become.

Our priorities shift back to what is real and eternal, as we try to establish good habits that will last for the following 11 months. You may be amongst those who have detailed plans on how to squeeze the ajr (reward) out of every second of this blessed time, excitedly waiting to jam pack it with Quran, prayers, and good deeds. Some of us are slightly intimidated, apprehensive perhaps, of how to reconcile our hectic daily lives and relationships with this weighty opportunity. It’s difficult to even know where to start. Others amongst us feel almost apathetic towards Ramadan, ashamed of our indifference or even dread of the exhausting hours. Maybe this stems from unrealistic expectations and targets, the perceived weight of your sins, or that you can simply never ‘connect’, or ‘feel’.

Wherever on this spectrum you find yourself currently, I want you to make a promise. A promise that will transform your existence. Whether you find that fasting and praying taraweeh (late night prayer) stirs your soul, or that it is merely a tiring ritual procedure, this simple promise will revolutionise your conscious and unconscious state so long as you uphold it.

Promise to take The Lord of the Worlds as your best friend. Take the All Powerful, The Most Loving, The Giver of Peace as your closest and dearest friend. Everyone wants to be close to those who will benefit them in some way. Be it through material possessions, spirituality and goodness, or contacts and popularity, attraction in this way seems to be human nature. In our naivety we forget that He is the only one who gives, in Whose hands is your rizq (providence), your beating heart, and the entire universe and beyond. If any human being appears to benefit you in some way, it is because He allowed it.

This promise is the answer to everything you have ever searched for. The key to the contentment that humanity so fervently craves. And it really truly is that simple. Make Him your everything, and the desire to please Him, the fear of angering Him will follow naturally. The forces that should drive our thoughts and words and actions will be deeply embedded into our minds and hearts, not to mention the inexplicable peace, comfort, and warmth that you will find in the deepest darkest crevices of your being, that only He can give.

The first step in this journey is one you can take this very second. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) is with you right now, as always. He is aware of the subtleties of your thoughts and emotions, even before they arise. He is waiting for you to turn to Him. Talk to Him. In whatever language you speak, there needs to be no poetry or rhyme, just talk to Him. Stop reading this for a moment, turn your existence away from this world and focus wholly and entirely on Him. Confide in Him. Thank Him. Ask of Him. Tell Him how scared you are, how much you want something. He who is sustaining you, He who has the ability to create from nothing, He who has always been there and always will be. The Guide, The Light, The Compassionate.

‘Remember me and I will remember you.’ Surah Baqarah

Aside from the immense benefits to us, what greater reason, reassurance and honour than to have Allah (swt) remember us?

Talk to Him every minute of your day, walking down the street, at work, at home, weave this pure form of worship, remembrance, into your existence until you feel the change. And have no doubt that it will come. This Ramadan, promise to tell Him everything, to ask Him for everything, to talk to Him with every step you take. The most beautiful part of it is that He tells us in a hadith qudsi (narration);

“Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you.”

All you have to do is take that one step, and The Lord of the Worlds will come towards you at speed. Make Him your purpose, your Love, your confidante, your comfort, and all else will fall into place. Your relationships, your livelihood, your contentment—if you follow Allah (swt), all else will follow you. Your pangs of hunger will take on a new sweetness, and taraweeh will be a nourishing and awaited experience once Allah (swt) is your best friend.

Alongside speaking to Him constantly, take the time and effort to learn about Him. In order to truly love Him and be close to Him, we must know Him. His 99 names were revealed to decorate our hearts, not just our walls. Research 4 names a day, reflect on the meaning for you, your life and your relationship with Him, and by the end of the month you will insha’ Allah (God willing) have reached a level of closeness that you never knew was possible.

May Allah (swt) make our voices familiar and beloved to Him and His angels, just as Prophet Yunus’ was. May He soften our hearts, and fill them with His remembrance and the tranquility only He can give. May He make this month a means for us to gain His pleasure, and make the day that we leave this world and meet our best friend, the most beautiful day of our lives.

Originally published in December 2009

Introduction

I am tired of the pictures forwarded to me in email and of the videos posted on Facebook, Youtube, and numerous other mediums of internet media displaying a gross cornucopia of atrocities against Muslims across the globe. There’s the visibly overwhelmed Muslim woman getting her hijab (headscarf) yanked off, the Muslim being malevolently run over by a car repeatedly, and the countless dead Muslim babies buried in rubble. I loathe it all. It has become a sickness amongst Muslims to find some perverted sense of satisfaction in displaying to the world, “Look! I am the victim!” It is as if our era of glory was an opiate, and now we use self-victimization to ease the withdrawal. Some have identified that self-empowerment, rather than self-victimization, is more constructive. Yet, they still just don’t get it.

Peruse any variety of Muslim media sources and one will find no shortage of laudatory narratives on how the Muslims pioneered modern technology while Europe languished in the “Dark Ages.” Hearing that, a 16 year old European Muslim drop-out can beam with pride and feel that he, himself, bested the magnificence of the monolithic “West.” The Frenchman is no better than he, for his ancestors gave the world Algebra… albeit 1,250 years ago.

This leads to the oft-posited, and often frustrating, question: How do we get those glory days back? While patting themselves on the back for those long dead laurels, many Muslim proselytes and those inebriated by their opiates often miss is that this era of Muslim ingenuity was not founded at the hands of those who thirsted for the blood of their enemies. It was founded by a people who would be more concerned with the scientific study of apes and pigs, than calling their non-Muslim enemies the “descendants of apes and pigs.” It was founded by men of loftier priorities and ideals.

How do we get those days back? Perhaps, we should first identify how we lost them in the first place. We should rather ask: Where did we go wrong? My hypothesis is that we have gone backwards in how we view and treat our non-Muslim neighbors. We have regressed far behind the noble principles of coexistence dictated to us by the Qur’an, which were conveyed and displayed to us by our exemplary Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him). All cases of greatness in Islamic history will also yield remarkable examples of compassion and benevolence towards the Muslims’ non-Muslim neighbors.

Articles about the Muslim world’s contributions to science will be rife with names like al-Khwarizmi and al-Biruni. Muhammad bin Musa al-Khwarizmi and Abu Rayhan al-Biruni were both Persians of ancient Khwarezm who are iconic of the Muslim world’s contributions to science. The Prophet Muhammadﷺ had foretold that great knowledge was to come from the Persians ¹ to whom the baton of Islamic learning quickly passed. Yet, aside from the facts that both were devout and learned Sunni Muslims and polymaths, excelling in a jaw-dropping variety of scientific disciplines, they also strove to achieve a better understanding of the non-Muslims they encountered.

Abu `Abdillah Muhammad bin Musa Al-Khwarizmi (780-850 CE) penned his Treatise on the Extraction of the Jewish History,² which became the reference point for the later Jewish scholar Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon, popularly known as Maimonides, in formulating the Hebrew Calendar which Jews all over the world use to this day. His work in this regard, and influence from al-Khwarizmi, is contained in his book Sefr Mishneh Torah.³ It is also worthy to note that Maimonides’ name is remembered today because of the freedom and liberty he enjoyed living under his Spanish and African Muslim rulers. Another famous Jewish scholar who used the works of al-Khwarizmi to codify the Hebrew calendar as it is known today was Abraham ibn Ezra,⁴ who in the process went as far as to fully translate Ibn al-Muthanna’s commentary of al-Khwarizmi’s Tables of Astronomy into Hebrew.

Another great Muslim genius who lived one hundred years after al-Khwarizmi was, likewise, a tremendous influence on Jewish scholars such as Maimonides and countless others from various non-Muslim demographics. He was Abu al-Rayhan Muhammad bin Ahmad Al-Biruni (973-1048 CE). Al-Biruni became a patron of the medieval Turkic Sultan of Khorasan, Mahmud bin Sebuktekin of Ghazni, and accompanied him during his exploits into India. Rather than immersing himself in all the glory, valor and riches, al-Biruni immersed himself into the non-Muslim population’s culture, language and tradition. He learned Sanskrit to such a high level that the Hindu clergy bequeathed him with the title Vidyasagar meaning “Ocean of Learning.”⁵ Al-Biruni did not limit his studies to their culture, but also became versed to a scholarly degree in Hinduism. He is, to this day, known as the de facto founder of religious anthropology. He contributed not only to the Jewish calendars but also to a greater understanding of the calendar systems of all religions and civilizations in his work The Surviving Monuments of Past Centuries.⁶

Some historians have sought to remove credit from Islam for the magnanimity and tolerance of these two scholars and many others like them and attribute it instead to the inherent tolerance of the Persians. However, a glance into the tolerance mandated by God in the Qur’an, embodied in the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, and carried on in the manners of his closest Companions (radiAllahu `anhum – May Allah be pleased with them) may hold some answers.

The Qur’an

Though Muslims are commanded in the Qur’an to call towards the worship of One God without partner, they are also instructed to come to common terms with their non-Muslim neighbors and to refrain from slighting their religious sensibilities in the process. God instructs the Muslims to address the People of the Book: “Say, ‘O People of the Scripture, come to a word that is equitable between us and you – that we will not worship except Allāh and not associate anything with Him and not take one another as lords instead of Allāh.’ But if they turn away, then say, ‘Bear witness that we are Muslims [submitting to Him]’” (3:64). The objective is to come to a mutual understanding. At the end of the day, we have to live with each other much to the chagrin of the extremists on all sides.

Furthermore, God instructs the Muslim believers in the Qur’an, “And do not insult those they invoke other than Allāh, lest they insult Allāh in enmity without knowledge”(6:108). Regarding this verse, the reputable Qur’anic exegete of Basra, Qatadah bin Di`amah, said, “The Muslims used to mock the idols of the non-Muslims, and the non-Muslims would, in turn, mock God. So God revealed the verse, ‘Do not mock those whom they call upon besides Allah…’”⁷ An atmosphere of mockery and derision is not something which God wants to foster between His devotees and those not privileged with a proper understanding of Him. Because the cycle is difficult to break, the Muslims are commanded to never initiate it. The late 13th century Islamic scholar, Ibn Taymiya, says about this verse, “It is known that the polytheists (of pre-Islamic Arabia) loved their pantheon of deities just as they loved Allah (as a part of it). Perhaps, they even loved their deities even more than they loved Allah and this is why they had no problem mocking Allah whenever their pantheon of deities was mocked. Hence, did Allah command, ‘Do not mock the ones they call upon besides Allah, for they will be driven in contempt to mock Allah in return out of ignorance.’”⁸

There is much in common between the three great Abrahamic religions . The Jews and the Christians know full well that “Allah” is the very same name of God, with slight variations, that they find in their sacred texts. The first verse of the first chapter of Genesis, the first book of the Bible, calls God by a direct etymon of this sacred name. ⁹ When Christ was on the cross, he called out to God in the Aramaic etymon, “Allaha!” This was even evidenced in the film The Passion of the Christ (2004). These are not facts unknown to our Jewish and Christian friends, yet none of it will matter when the cycle of derision has been initiated. We must obey God’s command in the Qur’an and not start such divisive conflicts. If we are subjected to it we must respond with what is better as God also instructs in the Qur’an: “And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend” (41:34). God really does know His creation as he also says in the Qur’an, “Does He who created not know?” (64:14)

The Prophetic Traditions

Zaid bin Sa`nah was a leading Jewish Rabbi who was a contemporary of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. His story has been authentically documented in the collections of Prophetic traditions, and it is a fine example of how Muslims should live with their non-Muslim neighbors. Rabbi Zaid related his own story to `Abdullah bin Salam, another Rabbi who had embraced Islam, who relates:

“Zaid bin Sa`nah said… Two or three days before the appointed time, the Prophet ﷺ went out for a funeral prayer of a man from the Ansar. With him were Abu Bakr, `Umar and `Uthman and some of his other Companions (ra). When he completed the prayer, he sought to recline against a wall upon which I grabbed a hold of him and gave him a mean-faced stare and held him by shirt and cloak. I said to him, ‘Repay me what is due, O Muhammad! By God, I have not known you folk from the clan of `Abdul Mutalib to be such procrastinators! Perhaps, my impression of you all has been wrong!’ So I looked at `Umar and his two eyes were beset wide on his face like planets! He then struck me with his stare and said, ‘O you enemy of God! Dare you speak to the Messenger of God ﷺ as I have heard and behave as I have seen?! By the One Who has raised him up with the Truth, if Iwere less God-fearing I would have struck off your head with my sword!’ The Messenger of God was looking at `Umar (ra) with serenity and an amiable smile and said, ‘O `Umar, he and I required something other than this from you. You should have instructed me to repay him in a better manner and you should have instructed him to follow up in a better manner. Go to him, O `Umar, and repay him what is due to him and exceed that by 20 extra measure of dates.'”

The narration in al-Bayhaqi’s Sunan ends here, but the narration in al-Tabarani’s Mu`jam goes on to detail the interaction that transpired when `Umar caught up with Rabbi Zaid. As it turned out the Rabbi had been following the Prophet Muhammadﷺ and was testing his behavior in the face of insolence. When the angry `Umar returned to him sober and friendly, he marveled at how the Prophet Muhammadﷺ could change this angry man into the docile character he was now dealing with. Rabbi Zaid embraced Islam and dedicated the rest of his life to its cause until he ultimately met his end at the Battle of Tabuk. He went from a widely reputed Jewish Rabbi to a hero of Islam, not because of any theological debates or polemics, but because of the goodness displayed by the Messenger of God ﷺ.

The Prophet’s Companions and Successors

This tradition of good conduct towards the non-Muslims carried on into the era of the Caliphs who succeeded the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ after his passing. The Fourth Caliph of Islam, `Ali bin Abi Talib, lived in a time when the Persian Empire fell before the feet of the Muslims. He was reported to have actually met with the father of the earliest of the four great Sunni Imams, al-Nu`man bin Thabit, popularly known as Abu Hanifa. Imam Abu Hanifa was from Kabul, Afghanistan,¹⁰ which was largely Zoroastrian prior to the Muslim conquests. Though they had become Muslims, the traditions and cultural practices remained. Imam al-Dhahabi, a highly regarded student of Ibn Taymiyyah, states about Imam Abu Hanifa in his voluminous work on the notables of Islamic history, Siyar A`lam al-Nubala’:

“Nu`man bin Marzban, the father of Thabit,<sup>11</sup> was the one who gifted `Ali bin Abi Talib with Faluda on the day of Nawruz (the Persian New Year). `Ali said, ‘May every day be like Nawruz!’ It was also said, ‘This is done as part of Mehregan (a Persian harvest festival with origins possibly pre-dating Iranian culture).” So he replied, ‘May every day be as Mehregan!” ¹²

`Ali did not belittle their cultural practices, so he took the gift, but subtly hinted that, according to Islam, this day was like any other day. He did not endorse the significance of the day, but he did not revile their cultural practice either. He exercised wisdom. Similarly, the other Companions behaved the same towards the Zoroastrians they encountered. The Prophet’s ﷺ wife `A’isha (ra) instructed the Muslims to avoid meats offered to them as gifts on Nawruz but to feel free to eat from the fruits and vegetables. Yet, was this mostly due to the general ruling regarding the meat of the Zoroastrians and not so much having to do with Nawruz? Mujahid said that in general only fruits and vegetables of the Zoroastrians should be consumed, but nothing else from them.¹³ Their slaughtered meat was largely viewed as unsuitable for consumption by the Muslims.

A Dirham for Thought

It is said that a picture can equal a thousand words and, in this case, hard archaeological evidence can speak volumes. In the time of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, the two great mighty empires whom the Muslims encountered were the Persian Sassanids and the Greco-Roman Byzantines. The Sassanids, at their height, ruled everything between the Indian Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea. They reigned from 205 CE until they finally met their end when defeated by the Muslims under the 2nd Caliph, `Umar ibn al-Khattab. After the era of the Four Pious Caliphs had passed, parts of the newly conquered Persian domains fell under the rule of the Umayyads, the loyalists of `Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr, and others. Yet, in spite of the turf wars that occurred between the various Muslim factions, one thing remained strikingly in common between them: the respect they showed to their newly conquered subjects. It was a time when all the splendor of the Persian Empire literally fell at the feet of the Muslims. This, like many of the events that transpired immediately after the passing of the Prophet Muhammadﷺ, was foretold by him. He warned the Muslims that, though they will have the power to do what they want over the Persians, they should not plunder them nor get tangled up in the priceless spoils they would acquire. Fortunately, the Companions listened, and those Persian lands are still Muslim today. It might have been different had the Muslims reveled in the riches and pounded the population into serfdom. The harrowing empty mosques of Romania, a land ruled by the Ottomans for hundreds of years yet yielding only a 0.3% of Muslim population today, bear a painful testimony to this.

So how did the Muslims treat their newly conquered Zoroastrian subjects? The story of `Ali ibn Abi Talib’s interaction with the Persian family of Abu Hanifa has already been told. Yet, there is more to be discovered when analyzing the archaeological evidence from the time period in question. One may be shocked to find that there are numerous extant Arab-Sassanid coins throughout the reigns of Uthman ibn `Affan, `Ali bin Abi Talib and Mu`awiyyah ibn Abi Sufyan with busts of Khosrow and the Zoroastrian fire altar.

Similarly, coins were minted during the reign of `Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr, a close Companion of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, in the regions of Persia loyal to him (Sistan) with a bust of Khosrow and Zoroastrian symbols.

There are also instances of Arab-Byzantine coins from the newly conquered Roman territories where the crosses were very slowly and subtly removed from the coinage possibly over the period of a decade.

The horizontal bar would gradually be removed from the crosses on all mintage leaving just a vertical pole, and the Muslim declaration of faith was added to the obverse margins. So the coins would go from the original Byzantine coin:

To the coin following the Muslim conquests:

To, ultimately:

These coins¹⁴ are not great rarities. They are so abundantly available that if you look hard enough you can buy them yourself over the internet. So let there be no doubt about this. The early Muslims went through such great pains not to offend the local non-Muslim populations whom they had quite thoroughly conquered. They could have done whatever they wanted to them. Yet, out of the fear of their Lord, they refrained from offending their non-Muslim subjects.” Compare that to how Muslims today, many of whom can barely even rule their own households, and treat those around them with respect – Muslim and non-Muslim alike.

Conclusion

Albert Einstein supposedly said: “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.”

With all the apocalyptic clamor about ruling by Shari`ah and re-establishing a Caliphate in our times, what is sorely missing in these Muslim revolutionaries is an insight into the hearts of those who set the standards for establishing a successful society that was truly Islamic. As the answer to where we went wrong becomes increasingly clear, we can then go back to the question, “How do we get those glory days back?” Much work is to be done to achieve that, but it won’t be by strength of arms. It must be in the classrooms, homeless shelters, drug rehabilitation centers, mentoring programs and other social and civic means by which Muslims can forge a better society wherein all mankind, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, can flourish. Only then will we have exemplified God’s description of the role we play in this world:

“You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allāh.” (Qur’an, 3:110)

As the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) held his hand, `Umar ibn Khattab radi Allahu `anhu (may Allah be pleased with him) told the Messenger of Allah ﷺ, “You are dearer to me than everything except my own self.” When the Prophet ﷺ replied that `Umar would not be a true believer until he loved the Messenger more than everything including himself, `Umar thought for a moment before confirming: “By Allah, you are dearer to me than my own self.”

This beautiful story, recorded in Bukhari, was taught to me to show how important it is that we love Allah’s Messenger ﷺ wholeheartedly – but our religious texts are rich and multi-faceted, and there is hardly a Qur’anic ayah (verse) or hadith (tradition of the Prophet ﷺ) which cannot teach us multiple lessons. It was a friend of mine, gently berating me for the pressure I put myself under to please others and conform to their expectations, who pointed out the flipside to this narration: that it is okay if the person you love most, after Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) and His Messenger ﷺ, is yourself.

Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true” – and this had always struck me as selfish and self-centred. People always seemed to use this idea, of ‘being true to oneself,’ to defend the decisions they made which hurt the people around them. What makes any of us so special that we can justify disregarding the wishes of others and putting ourselves and our desires first?

The first mistake we make is thinking that ignoring our own dreams and plans for the sake of those around us will enable us to benefit or serve them better. The boy who studies medicine rather than the English literature he loves because his parents want him to be a doctor, the woman who always dreamed of being a teacher but agrees when her fiancé asks her to leave work and stay at home…they do it because he thinks it will make him a better son, and she wants to be a good wife. But look a couple of years into the future, and the boy is struggling with his studies, snapping irritably at his parents and spending as much time outside the house as possible; the woman is miserable and frustrated, feeling resentful towards her husband and acting cold and distant with him. Everyone else in their households can feel the tension and nobody is happy. These are not imaginary scenarios – I know these families.

The second mistake we make is thinking that Allah (swt) asked us to do this. As the hadith above shows, it is okay to love yourself. Of course, Allah (swt) does tell us to be good to our parents, spouses, children and those around us in society – but He also places limits on the extent to which others can make decisions about our lives. Parents cannot force their children to marry, women cannot be prevented from attending the mosque, and no-one can command others to sin.

This second mistake leads to a consequence even worse than the breakdown of family and friendships – the deterioration of our relationship with Allah (swt) Himself. When we believe that He has commanded us to suppress all our own wishes and plans in order to serve others, we not only end up resenting those people when we are unhappy – we resent Him too. We no longer thank Him gratefully, praise Him or pray to Him lovingly, because we believe He is the One who commanded us to make the choices which have left us miserable. Simply put, we cannot give generously and wholeheartedly, either to other people or to Allah (swt), when we are unfulfilled and frustrated, harbouring resentment and ill feeling towards them. Loving and being true to ourselves is not selfish; it is a means towards enabling us to love and be good towards others.

This is not to say that life with others should not involve compromise or some sacrifice for their sake – give and take is crucial, so long as it is not just about one or the other. Deep down, we know ourselves and our intentions. We know when we are being selfish and ungenerous, and need to fight our nafs (ego). We also know what the vitally important things to us are – the dreams and desires which we can’t ignore, even for those we love most, because suppressing them will kill something inside us.

And of course, this doesn’t mean giving in to unlawful desires – so any kleptomaniacs reading this, don’t go on a shoplifting spree because you‘re being ‘true to yourself’! – but if your personality traits and ambitions are halal (permissible), like studying literature or being a working wife, remember that Allah (swt) created you and He created those dreams. He made sure that we knew the stories of hundreds of diverse Sahaba (companions of the Prophet ﷺ) so that we would understand that there are many ways to be a good Muslim man or woman – from `A’isha the scholar and Khadijah the businesswoman to Fatima, the devoted homemaker; from Khalid ibn Walid the warrior and Hassan ibn Thabit the poet to `Uthman ibn `Affan the trader radi Allahu `anhum (may Allah be pleased with them all).

As Imam al-Ghazali said, “The key to knowing Allah is to know your own self.” It is up to us to choose our path and negotiate that with the people around us. Having that conversation might not be easy, and perhaps they will be disappointed at first. But those who really love you – and that includes Allah (swt) – will want you to be happy, and your happiness and contentment will enable you to give unreservedly and ungrudgingly to them in return, pleasing them too. That Shakespearean line I first thought of as ‘selfish’ turns out to be a vital part of becoming a truly generous and selfless believer.

When Religious Leaders Fail: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Sexual Harassment.  Marrying a second wife secretly for a temporary amount of time.  Pedophilia. Pornography. Adultery and its kin: developing ‘back-up’ plan relationships while married. Embezzling funds.  Spiritual abuse and false religious justifications for harmful/ immoral behavior. Slander.

Then you see their names on flyers for Islamic events, and hear them speaking about modesty, integrity, courage, family life, being a good husband or wife, a good father or mother, detached from money and wealth, the ethics of speech. They might have adoring crowds who don’t know or just a small team of people they work with who don’t care.

If you’ve ever had a religious teacher or teachers who didn’t just fall, but they *failed* miserably at upholding a basic ethical standard for themselves, you may have experienced emotional burn-out as a result. Please note that religious leaders may fall all the time because they are human and it is human to fall as no one can fully escape the minor sins. This is why I used the term “Fail.” A Fail, as I use it in this series, is when a religious leader falls into a major sin or a socially reprehensible sin that is beneath the level of trust afforded to their position, is confronted, and they stubbornly refuse to make proper amends even when given the chance. This is a fail.

Please also note that I use the term emotional burn-out, and not spiritual burn-out because the spirit is essentially untouchable. Our bodies on the other hand produce emotions, and they do get affected by the stress of disappointment. Sometimes spirit and emotion are used interchangeably in language and it’s important to realize they are certainly not one and the same, as described by Ustadh Abdelrahman Mussa here. This is significant because once you realize the burn-out is emotional, you have a pathway to recovery.

Let’s unpack some of the emotions and delve into the conscious and subconscious thoughts behind such disappointment:

• You may feel your trust was betrayed by their behavior because they did not practice what they preached. They not only did the opposite, but they did so in ways which are lower than you would ever expect in a friend, let alone a teacher and spokesperson for the religion. You may have trusted them, looked up to them, helped them, loved them, and/or obeyed them with devotion. The closer you were, the deeper the pain.
• As a once devoted student, you may now feel nothing when you hear about Islamic lectures, classes, and events featuring other speakers and religious leaders. After all, they could be corrupt as well. Why risk the pain of getting emotionally ‘burned’ again?
• Perhaps you feel the whole “Religious Preachers Industry” is corrupt to begin with. After all, you may have found out that others in the field were aware of this person’s ethical issues and did nothing to protect the public, or defend the rights of those abused. In fact, some continued to work with and promote their work as it was mutually advantageous to do so. Somehow, when religious leaders fail, they seem to be treated as above the law, above justice, and others in the field are part of the cover up using excuses of selective mercy that do not extend to the masses these people have harmed, or have the very real probability of harming, based on their issue reflecting an untreated pattern of such behavior.
• If you were specifically harmed by a religious leader, you may feel unsafe around religious leaders in general, particularly ones with the same physical profile or features as the person who harmed you.
• Deep down you may be questioning God for allowing such corrupt people to represent His faith. You may feel at a subconscious level disappointed in God for allowing them to be the leaders of the Muslim community.
• You may also feel disappointment in yourself for not being ‘smarter’, wiser, for not seeing through the deception. This may also mean you lack trust in your own judgment and don’t trust yourself to trust again.
• You may feel disappointment with the masses for following such people with the same ‘blindness’ that you once did. Some of their fans may even continue to defend the religious leader and blame the people who were harmed for daring to speak up.
• You may feel a general lack of hope for the Muslim community. If corrupt or complicit are the leaders, and blind are the followers, what if anything can be done toward progress?
• You may feel like you have no control over holding the religious leader accountable if you were personally harmed, and you may feel no control in preventing them from harming others.
• You may feel isolated and disconnected because this issue doesn’t seem to bother others around you as much as it bothers you.

This is not a comprehensive list by any stretch of what may be some underlying frustrations. Each of these points can create a myriad of different powerful emotions, so imagine what a few or all of them could create? Rather than feel all the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, disappointment, helplessness, dislike, pain, loneliness, vulnerability, hopelessness, (insert huge overwhelming emotion here), etc. , you may have simply shut down your feelings altogether, thus creating apathy and numbness. Holding onto to the apathy and numbness for a prolonged period without help can lead to a crisis in one’s faith as there is a tendency to extend the apathy to one’s relationship to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) Himself.

This post is simply an introduction to the topic and future posts are meant to deal with each of the aforementioned points in greater detail. If you are someone who has experienced this test and what you’re struggling with emotionally is not addressed in the points above, please add your specific struggle to the comments section and we will try to address it insha’ Allah (God willing). If you have a specific trauma that you would like counseling or therapy for, we can try to connect you to someone qualified insha’ Allah. If you have not gone through this test alhamdulilah (praise be to God), it is hoped that these posts may empower you to help someone who has.

Even though this is simply an introduction, there is one important lesson I would like to leave us with for this week: We can and should disagree with unethical behavior from anyone without disapproving of the qadar (decree) of Allah. Disagreeing with someone’s harmfulness is healthy, needed, and productive. Blaming Allah for having experienced it is not. Once something is in the past, it is part of His decree. Once it is part of His decree, you accept the good and bad of it as being a test from Him, which could not have been other than what occurred. There is no changing the past. The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried on it. You embrace His test without doubting His Perfection, Justice, and Mercy. There is no need to attribute either to Allah (swt) or even to yourself anything negative about this test. Allah does not hate you and you are not a horrible or unworthy person because this test happened to you. These are harmful thoughts that lack any benefit and only push you into the mud, so you can imagine where they came from. The whispers of shaytan (the devil) are to make us despair in Allah (swt), and despair in ourselves. Instead, look to what is beneficial and ask yourself: What do I have control over? What will I be asked about when I am resurrected? My immediate choices. How can I use my immediate choices to better the situation? How can I use my immediate choices to make the best transaction with Allah (swt) through this test, and gain unfathomable reward insha’ Allah? How can I rely on Allah (swt) for strength and guidance and come out personally stronger and wiser? Some answers insha’ Allah will be in the upcoming posts. For now, allow yourself to reflect on your own answers and realize that this is simply the practical application of the famous hadith (narration):

“The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, while there is good in both. Guard over that which benefits you, seek Allah’s Assistance, wa laa ta’jiz [‘don’t lend yourself to things devoid of benefit’, ‘don’t stop hoping’—both acceptable meanings], and if something befalls you, then don’t say ‘If I only would have done such and such,’ rather say, ‘Qaddar Allahu wa maa sha’a  fa’al’ [‘Allah ordained (this) and He does what He wills’], for verily the phrase, ‘If I would have’ makes way for the work of Shaytan.” (Muslim)

No matter how weak you might feel in your faith, the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) affirms there is still good in you and the fact that you believe is evidence of the love Allah (swt) has for you. The recipe to increased strength starts with embracing the decree of Allah, remaining hopeful in Him, and focusing on what is beneficial to you in this life and the next. Know that gratitude in Allah (swt) for the faith He has blessed you with increases it, and is immensely beneficial. You may not realize it yet, but you got this insha’ Allah.

“I see some differences between us that concern me. I see myself as a fairly traditional, conservative Muslim man as opposed to a liberal Muslim.” 

“I am impressed with your general Islamic knowledge. Is there a particular reason you’ve chosen more liberal approaches?”

“So, I think we’re on very different wavelengths of religion (you being on the conservative end). Hence, I am not sure how comfortable we would be with each other. I guess I am quite liberal…” 

“I believe that much of what you are looking for in a man is something I aspire for, or more appropriately wish for, but currently do not have… But I wanted to say that I respect you for being so clear on who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner. If I could do that, I think I’d be in a much better place.”

“You want to stay single for the rest of your life?”

Above are some of the things Muslim men whom I have met online or through introductions by friends have written to me.

I sometimes feel so drained from being put in boxes by others and putting myself in boxes.

Liberal. Conservative. Open-minded. Religious. Hipster. Student of knowledge. Artist. Hijabi. Environmentalist. Family-oriented. Outspoken. Writer. Non-traditional. Feminist.

Boxes. Too many boxes! Am I permitted to step out and define myself outside of these boxes?

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Like many, I had my life roughly planned out when I graduated college two years ago. Unlike most feminists who went to my women’s college, I thought I was “wicked smaaht!” for getting my priorities right so early on in life: I wanted to get married.

Living thousands of miles away from home as an international student and being financially independent from my family during my college career, I learned the importance of having a home. I wanted to create a home in the U.S. This is where I found both my identity and Islam, the main reason why America was closer to my heart than my homeland, Pakistan. The U.S. is where I would settle down to raise a family because back home, women did not attend mosques. Forget being “unmosqued”; most have never been “mosqued” even once during their entire lifetime. I wanted to stay back because I did not want to lose touch with the houses of God, nor did I want my future daughters to not experience what had taken me so long to discover.

So, I would move to a big Muslim community (in my case, Boston), fall in love, get married and have a home. I would figure out grad school and other things later because family came first. I thought that a partner in marriage in my early 20’s would make my life emotionally, financially and physically easier—giving me the chance to enhance my talents and better serve the community with the support of a significant other.

WRONG!

Yes, I moved to Boston, and yes, I fell in love right after, too. But it did not result in marriage. A broken heart and shattered spirits? Yes. A home? No.

Instead, I got placed in more new boxes than I could handle. Loud. Sensitive. Open. Immodest. Talkative. Obnoxious.

I became depressed. I could not understand what made me keep falling for the wrong men. I wondered if perhaps there was something genuinely wrong with me that caused the puzzle of my life to always fall apart right when it was about to come together. I took premarital counseling, spoke to aunties personally about the fact that I was “looking” (honestly it was one of the hardest things to do), made marriage resumes that I passed along to my contacts, and registered myself on a gazillion matrimonial websites—all because of my determination to find “the one.”

Unfortunately, the boxes my friends and I used to define me did not quite work. Based on my involvement in the community, people from the masjid introduced me to traditional-minded men with whom I was a misfit because of the independent life I lived. On the other hand, men online dismissed me for being too religious because of my hijab and Islamic endeavors.

As a result, I found myself shedding unnecessary tears as every rejection came down as a hard and personal blow. Why was God doing this to me especially when I was trying so hard? Did He not see that I was not only praying to Him but also tying my camel ((Anas (radi Allahu `anhu—may Allah be pleased with him) reported that a person asked the Messenger of God ﷺ, “Should I tie my camel and have tawakkul (trust in God for its protection), or should I leave it untied and have tawakkul?” The Messenger of God ﷺ replied, “Tie it and (then) have tawakkul.” (Hasan) [Jami At-Tirmidhi])) over and over again by taking practical steps towards the goal I had set for myself?

Amidst the chaos of my failed marriage endeavors and a career I no longer saw myself in, I became lost and confused about the direction of my life. My friends started calling me “desperate” and my loneliness became excruciatingly painful with the addition of this new box in my life. It hurt the most because it came from those who claimed to love me. The physically comfortable life that had taken years to build was of no avail, because really I had no peace of mind.

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I was blessed to have the opportunity to perform `umrah, the minor pilgrimage to Mecca, last winter under the leadership of my mosque’s imam. Before we left the U.S., he told me, “It’s been a tough year for you. Just forgive yourself and those who have hurt you, and use this trip to clean your heart and sincerely connect with God.”

Alas! It was through those full-of-tears, head-on-the-marble-floor prayers that I regained the peace I had misplaced since the day I began placing myself in boxes according to people’s expectations of me. I forgot that along the way to find “the one,” I had forgotten The One. The One who elevated a woman, Mary (`alayha as-salaam—peace be upon her), without a man through the powerful words of the Qur’an:

“…and the male is not like the female…” (Qur’an, 3:36)

He honored her by acknowledging:

“So her Lord accepted her with good acceptance and caused her to grow in a good manner and put her in the care of Zechariah. Every time Zechariah entered upon her in the prayer chamber, he found her with provision. He said, ‘O Mary, from where is this [coming] to you?’ She said, ‘It is from Allah. Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account.’” (Qur’an, 3:37)

Upon hearing the above ayaat (verses) in one of the prayers, I broke down in heavy sobs. Why was I placing my value in relation to a marriage all this time? While tying my camel* in the pursuit of “the one,” had I forgotten to lay my trust in The One in the first place? The One, the Ultimate Sustainer, who provided sustenance for Mary (as) in response to her devotion, sincerity and trust in Him and Him alone. God even gave her a child and eventually a family of her own, all due to her individual relationship and status with Him. What was I doing to improve my relationship with God? Was I doing anything?

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My experience finding “love” taught me—unfortunately the hard way—that there is truth in being happy with one’s own single self before hopping onto life’s roller-coaster with another person. I realized that if I needed a husband even an iota close to the caliber of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, I had to first work on becoming a Khadija (the Prophet’s first love and wife, radi Allahu `anha—may Allah be pleased with her) myself.

And that’s when I gained the strength to take a leap of faith and seek The One before I sought “the one.”

The day before I moved to Texas to immerse myself in Qur’anic Arabic, a dear friend in Boston said,

“There’s someone waiting on the other end for the person you are about to become.”

I had tied my camel enough times and it was finally the time to act on the last step of tawakkul (trust in God).

And just like that, I walked away.