maryam amirebrahimi – Virtual Mosque

10 Tips to Becoming One of Allah’s Special People

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Mon, 04 May 2020 12:00:00 +0000

Originally posted May 2012

I was not a conscientious Muslim. As I entered my freshman year of high school, I had one very specific goal which I was determined to accomplish: to become popular. “Piety” was not consistent with this goal – at least not in my perspective. It was for this reason that I expressed disdain when my dad announced we would be undertaking the religious journey to Mecca in the summer following my freshman year of high school. I recall telling a friend, “Man, I’m scared. I don’t want to change!” I knew people went to Mecca and then became super religious. I didn’t want that to happen to me.

Mecca

As we entered the Grand Mosque, my dad told my mom, my brother, and me to keep our eyes down until we reached the opening of the Masjid, until we were in a space which would allow for our first glimpse of the House of Allah, the Ka’ba, to be in our full view. As we walked through the halls of the Grand Mosque, I heard my mom and dad crying. I knew this was supposed to be a spiritual experience. I could see that they were going through something incredible, but I felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing. Finally, we approached steps which led to a great opening. At this point, my dad instructed, “Look up.”

ALLAH! In that moment, my vision was suddenly filled with the beloved Ka’ba. As if awakened from the dead, as if beating for the first time, my heart was immediately gripped indescribably. It suddenly filled with this unexplainable, fully tangible presence of the Creator of the Universe. I began to bawl; I was struck with the realization that this feeling, this closeness to God, could only happen because He truly exists. I began to regret all I had done and all the time I had wasted; I began circumambulating the Ka’ba, weeping, begging Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) to forgive me.

When we returned to America, I had difficulty maintaining my spiritual awakening. I decided that I would begin to read the Qur’an. I reasoned that I could watch hours of television a day and so, at the very least, I had an obligation to read at least five pages a day. I hadn’t touched the Qur’an in years. I’m not Arab, I was not raised knowing Arabic; I had just learnt how to read the letters when joined together when I was really young, like many Muslim children. I hadn’t practiced reading Arabic in so many years that I was painfully slow at it; reading five pages easily turned into an hour ordeal, if not longer. I didn’t understand anything I read, but I kept trying.

One day, my mom passed by my room and suggested, “Maryam, why don’t you read it in English? At least then you’ll understand what you’re reading.” To me, this was a lucrative suggestion; I was a really fast reader in English. If I read half the page in English and half of it in Arabic, it’d take much less time to get through five pages a day.

I began and I transformed. Reading the Qur’an in English and being able to come to an understanding of what its message conveyed captivated me. I began to change internally and it slowly took hold of my external being; my thoughts, my intentions, my actions… I slowly began to internalize a conscientiousness that revolutionized my life. I was mesmerized by the Qur’an and it was then that I decided I would undertake memorizing it.

It took me over seven years to memorize the Qur’an. In the time span that I spent memorizing, I had other responsibilities simultaneously. I was either studying or working full time (or a combination of both), I was the president or lead figure of an organization or community work, and I had familial responsibilities. The only time I was able to focus almost completely on the Qur’an was when I moved to Egypt for eleven months, in which I dedicated about two hours a day to memorization while I also studied Arabic and did Arabic homework for about seven hours of the day. However, the majority of the memorization occurred in America, amidst a crazy schedule. I memorized while I had to take care of life responsibilities; you, too, can memorize while taking care of business.

10 Tips for Serious Seekers of the Qur’an

Realize the Reason, Know Allah is Your Guide
- Why memorize the Qur’an? Because it will give you a constant, incredible, and personally special relationship with The Creator, with The Sustainer, with The One Who has power over all things.
  - You want the best of both worlds? It’s through the Qur’an. It’s through memorizing, understanding, loving and most importantly, living it. When one is sincere about memorizing it, one needs to be completely aware of the heavy responsibility and glorified honor of living as Allah’s servant and carrying His words in their hearts. This must translate into their actions. The key: Sincerity.
- Make the Intention to Invest in Your Akhira (Hereafter)
  - The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) taught us, ‘The Qur’aan will meet its companion on the Day of Resurrection when his grave is opened for him, in the form of a pale man. It will say to him, ‘Do you recognize me?’ He will say: ‘I do not recognize you.’ It will say: ‘I am your companion the Qur’aan, who kept you thirsty on hot days and kept you awake at night. Every merchant benefits from his business and today you will benefit from your good deeds.’ He will be given dominion in his right hand and eternity in his left, and there will be placed on his head a crown of dignity, and his parents will be clothed with priceless garments the like of which have never been seen in this world. They will say: ‘Why have we been clothed with this?’ It will be said: ‘Because your son used to recite Qur’aan.’ Then it will be said to him: ‘Recite and ascend in the degrees of Paradise,’ and he will continue to ascend so long as he recites, either at a fast pace or a slow pace.’ [Ahmad, Ibn Majah]
- Know that Allah is with You
  - Allah Most High says in a Hadith Qudsi (record containing the words of God), “When my servant takes one step towards Me, I take ten steps towards him. When my servant comes walking towards me, I come running towards him.” Recognize that you are not alone; that it is the One Who revealed these words Who will help you learn and retain them. The struggle must begin with the servant, but the Lord is the One Who will continually open the way and aid you through the struggle.
When it’s Hard, There is Twice the Reward
- Wait, what? You don’t understand Arabic? Wait, what? You aren’t Arab? Wait, you’re Arab, but your tajweed (rules of recitation/pronunciation) is really off?
  - For you, the Prophet ﷺ has shared words of encouragement, “Such a person who recites the Qur’an and masters it by heart, will be with the noble righteous scribes (in Heaven). And such a person exerts himself to learn the Qur’an by heart, and recites it with great difficulty, will have a double reward,” (Muslim).
Start Correctly and Use Technology
- Find a Teacher or Qur’an Buddy, Learn tajweedand Work Consistently
  - When I first decided I would commit to memorizing, I found a teacher and told her I was ready. But I had never studied tajweed and my recitation was completely incorrect! She asked me, “Do you want to memorize, or do you want to memorize correctly? There is no point in memorizing it wrong and then having to go back and do it all over again.”
  - The most difficult test I came across with memorizing the Qur’an was not being able to find a consistent teacher. This sometimes led to many months of not memorizing anything and only working on review. When I didn’t find a teacher, I turned to friends who could help me with my tajweed and we became Qur’an buddies. On campus, over the phone, in cars in random parking lots, in-between running from one meeting to another, we would recite to one another and we would keep each other in check until we were able to find teachers. A teacher (or if you can’t find one, a Qur’an buddy) is CRITICAL to progress with the Qur’an.
  - One of the best things that has ever happened to me in my entire life, all praise and thanks be to God, was being blessed with the Qur’an teacher that helped me so immensely through my memorization: Shaykh Moheb. I learned love for the Qur’an, commitment to the Qur’an, a life of gratitude and incredible contentment because of the Qur’an and a balanced perspective through the Qur’an from him. Seeing I was not Arab and was trying to memorize the Qur’an correctly, he took it upon himself to see me through it. May God bless his family in both worlds. I made du`a’ (supplication)(fervently) for a teacher like this for many years and was blessed with more than for what I made du`a’, but it took patience and continual struggle until I was rewarded with a teacher of such caliber. Seek the best teacher you can find and if they are not there, keep making du`a’ for one and work through other avenues.
  - Use technology to assist you; to help practice your tajweed and help you memorize, there are a number of resources dedicated to those who want to memorize the Qur’an. If you have ever used one, please feel free to share what has worked for you!
Date the Qu’ran
- When I was MSA President in college, I had many responsibilities added to my academic, work, volunteer, knowledge, and familial obligations. However, everyday, I made a special date with the Qur’an that no one could touch. My phone was away, my email was gone – I was booked for that time period and it didn’t matter how huge of an event I needed to prepare for the next day. Just as we make time for people, work and classes, we need to schedule in time to meet up with the Qur’an and strive to show it that we’re sincere and serious about a long-term relationship.
The Qur’an is Where the Party’s At
- Sometimes, memorizing the Qur’an means denying invitations to social gatherings. Don’t get me wrong; it is ESSENTIAL for one’s spiritual and emotional well-being to be balanced and have social connections and relationships regularly. However, there will be times when the portion that must be memorized is going to take more time and that means leaving early from or not being able to make it to the party. These are sacrifices we make for Allah (swt) and the Qur’an and He replaces them with better if we pay attention.
Make Du`a’Constantly
- In every prayer, in every moment of prostration, between every athan (call to prayer) and iqama (call to begin prayer), ask God to make us of the Ahlul Qur’an (the people of the Qur’an), those whom the Prophet ﷺ taught, “The people of the Qur’an are the people of Allah and His special servants,” (An-Nisa’i). Realize you are not alone. There are some du`a’ I began making seven years ago and they only have started to manifest six or seven years after I started making them rigorously. There will be times one might want to give up, one might feel like there’s no progress, one might feel like everyone else is finishing so quickly, so easily, and that nothing is clicking. Wait. Be patient. Keep working and keep making du`a’. Soon, everything will open because of your sincerity , work and du`a’ and when it does, every second of the struggle is so much sweeter and so much more worth it.
Trade a Mushaf (Qur’an) with Someone and Understand What You’re Memorizing
- When starting, find someone else who wants to begin and give them a mushaf (written Qur’an) and ask them to give you one as well. This way, every time they or you work on memorizing, you’re both receiving incredible rewardsfrom each other’s memorization.
- It can be more difficult to memorize if one has no clue what the meaning of the verses are. If one does not understand the language of the Qur’an, make sure to also keep a translation close by to read from it to contextualize the verses and pick up on the meaning.
Do Good Deeds “For the Sake of the Qur’an”
- When one experiences extra difficulty in memorizing or has just finished a great portion, give some small financial or action-based charity and ask Allah (swt) to accept it for the Qur’an; ask Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala fervently for tawfiq (success), for sincerity, and for a love life with His Words.
- The Qur’an is special and it does not “need” us. We need the Qur’an to guide us and to enrich our lives. The Qur`an isn’t going to just come to anyone who attempts to memorize it, then leaves it, then attempts it, then leaves it. It also doesn’t just easily lend itself to individuals who knowingly commit sins and persist in those sins without regret and without seeking to change. As one Shaykh taught, “The Qur’an is Aziz (dear, noble, venerated). If you don’t want to be with it or memorize it, then it’s not going to ‘wait around’ for you.” You want to be special to the Qur’an? Work for it through your righteous actions when you’re not working with it directly.
Honor One’s Parents
- As I learned from an anecdote shared by Imam Suhaib Webb, the pleasure of one’s parents incredibly aids in easing the memorization of the Qur`an. The more one wants to memorize, the more one should increase in treating their parents with dignity, respect and appreciation through words, through actions and through merciful companionship. (Thank you Mom and Dad!!)
The Qur’an Should Spark an Internal Revolution
- Even more important than memorizing the Qur’an is allowing it catalyze one’s transformation. If one’s character is not reforming and improving, there’s a serious problem. Check your heart from the start and keep checking it; one’s actions should become more balanced and stronger in quality when interacting with the Qur’an.

Many people feel facing the challenge of memorizing the Qur`an is too difficult of a task. They may have tried it and given up, dabbled in it and lost focus or drive or simply refused to consider the idea because they feel it insurmountable. Think of memorizing the Qur`an like lifting weights. For a person who has never worked out and who desires the health benefits of increasing their strength, they may begin with just a few pounds. As they continue, the amounts they began with will feel insignificant in comparison to the heavy amounts they are now able to lift.

Similarly, beginning the memorization of the Qur’an seems difficult. One verse, two verses, may take a long time to memorize correctly; getting the pronunciation down perfectly may take years, remembering the order of the words may be a frustrating task. However, when one commits to it and makes it a part of their daily responsibilities, it becomes easier and easier. The two verses that took an hour to memorize will turn into the memorization of one entire page in fifteen minutes.

The Qur’an is easy and The One Who revealed the Qur`an tells us, “And We have certainly made the Qur’an easy for remembrance, so is there any who will remember?” (Qur`an, 54:17). It just takes dedication, commitment and time. Even if it takes you, as it took me, seven years, ten years, fifteen years, imagine being able to say, “I had a seven-year memorization relationship with the Qur’an and the quality of my life improved in every second. Now that I’m finished, an incredibly exciting chapter of our long-term, eternal relationship is about to begin!”

We all seek for our hearts to be in a state of contentment, tranquility and ease. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala tells us, “Those who believe, and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah, verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest,” (Qur‘an, 13: 28).

The best form of remembrance is that of the Qur`an. Will you allow your heart to find rest through it?

10 Guidelines for Gender Relations in Islam

Muslema Purmul — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 12:00:11 +0000

By Muslema Purmul and Maryam Amirebrahimi

A Clarification on Beautifying Gender Relations Within the Community

Co-ed Love for the Sake of Allah? Part 1 | Part 2

Photo: Pictoscribe

I was standing next to the grave, supplicating quietly to Allah for the man we just buried. He was a family relative, loved by many alhamdulilLah (praise be to God). As I stood there, a few other women came and also started to supplicate. They spoke aloud in a low voice, “We never heard anything but good from you or about you, so we ask Allah to accept all your good deeds and forgive your sins, and accept you into Paradise…” I was touched by something in this moment. I didn’t know them personally, we didn’t exchange words but I was taught by their example. They displayed the most beautiful adab (manners) of brotherhood and sisterhood for their deceased Muslim brother, who was not directly related to them. Subhan’Allah (glory be to God), when the heart is pure, the “rules” emanate naturally without effort. Everything in their manner, speech, and conduct was modest, respectful and filled with noble love.

The code of inter-gender relations comes from this noble kind of love. It is generous in giving, while conscious of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He). It is full of haya.’ Haya’ is sometimes described as ‘shyness’, but misunderstood to mean a desire to hide, to be nervous, overly self-conscious, and unable to communicate. This is not the meaning of haya’ and it’s a real shame that men and women are sometimes taught social anxiety in the name of haya’. Haya’ comes from consciousness of Allah (swt)—that a servant of Allah would feel too “shy” to commit an open and indecent sin in the presence of the Most High, that they feel humbled in the presence of the Creator, so they honor His creation. The believer is not a show-off for any of their blessings. Rather they are grateful, and hope to use their many gifts in the service of their Lord. One of the most graceful ways to serve Allah (swt) is by serving and honoring His creation, in the manner that He approves. This is our code as brothers and sisters.

“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another.” (Qu’ran, 9:71)

The 10 Principles

Be sincere in your interactions.

The Prophet ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) taught us, “Truly, actions are according to their intentions.” ((Bukhari)) All interaction with God’s creation is a reflection of our interaction with the Creator. When a person truly relies on God and seeks Him first and foremost, they let go of the need for approval from others and seek it only from Him (swt). As a result, the way they work with others has to do with God’s approval, not that of others. When we deal with the opposite sex, it’s important to make sure we are not *needy for some form of approval from them, and especially the kind that should only be sought from a spouse (ie: sexual attention, seeking their admiration). However, God loves for us to love and respect our brothers and sisters. If we’re seeking God’s approval in our interactions then we open our hearts in a noble way towards one another with the best of manners. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and the general energy brought into interactions should be respectful and professional. One who is sincere in seeking only Allah’s approval and not wanting something from the people will find it very natural to follow the rest of the guidelines.

What this looks like in person: Imagine you’re speaking to a boss, a professor or perhaps an older individual in the mosque. In most situations, even if you were buddies with that person, you’d still have a level of respect in your interactions with them that would be different from your friend at school. Do the same thing when you interact with someone of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you need to be cold. You need not be overtly rude or intimidating. If you are typically a really humorous and laid back person, you don’t need to radically change your personality so that the person/people you’re with don’t laugh. Just be yourself in a professional and courteous way.

What this looks like online/social media: Be mindful of your online conversations and avoid saying what you would feel uncomfortable having your parent or someone you respect overhear. Question your intentions before commenting or messaging. Only you and God know if what you’re doing is for the right reasons. This is one of the most powerful and dynamic limits of Allah (swt) because it actually builds your confidence. The habit of checking and renewing the intention develops a foundation of sincerity between you and Allah, and of good-will between you and His creation.

Make your interaction purposeful and professional.

There’s an Islamic legal maxim that states, “The origins of things is permissibility.” In other words, unless there is something that is expressly prohibited when it comes to interactions and worldly issues, it is allowed. However, when it came to the issue of gender relations specifically, some scholars used a different maxim: “The origin of inter-gender interactions is impermissibility, unless expressly permitted.” In other words, inter-gender interaction, unless there was an absolute necessity, major benefit attained, major harm prevented, or something not considered harmful in a particular cultural context, would generally be avoided.

These scholars also cited the principle of sadd al-tharee’ah—that whatever leads to a prohibited act in and of itself becomes prohibited. In this regard, cultural context becomes increasingly important. This is because in some cultures, specific actions may be misunderstood as an invitation to something prohibited, while in others, it is simply a respectful interaction.

As an example, a polite joke about the weather with the cashier at a grocery store is seen as neighborly small talk in the United States but can be understood as flirting in a different cultural context. For this other culture, scholars may consider the polite joke prohibited because it would lead to un-lowered and lustful gazes and conversation that points to something more. But to apply the latter understanding to our context in the west would be a great disservice. Here, the action and words do not imply sexual interest in the least, but rather is received as acceptable, polite conversation. And even in the same context, to overdo it leads to a misapplication of the law and the creation of a sub-culture that is foreign to the spirit of Islam. Shaykh Al-Rasuni mentions that the overextension of the legal principle sadd al-tharee’ah can create extremism and turn perfectly halal situations into haram ones. ((al-Raysuni, Ahmad)) So it should be applied with care, lest we turn Islam into something it is not.

If you look at both approaches—“The origin of interactions is allowed except what is prohibited,” and “the origin of interactions is prohibited except what is allowed”—they both lead to the same conclusion: Interactions should be purposeful, there should be a reason that is not suspect according to a particular culture, there are limits and it is not a complete free-for-all.

What this looks like in person: The on-campus Muslim Students Association (MSA) holds a meeting to discuss an upcoming event. There is purpose in their reason for coming together. They do not have to robotically and mechanically only ask “yes” or “no” questions, sticking to a script to ensure every word has a specific purpose. There can be polite small talk in asking about each other’s schoolwork and checking in on each other’s families. Now again, things go back to intention (point 1). On the outside things can be purposeful, but if on the inside things are not, it leads to Allah’s displeasure. A brother can tutor a study group of brothers and sisters for a class they are taking in college together in a noble way. He can also do so to enjoy the attention and admiration of the sisters and use that space for his own desires. On the outside no one may notice the difference, but on the inside Allah (swt) always does. A blessed interaction is both purposeful on the outside and pure on the inside.

What this looks like online/social media: Keep it purposeful and professional. No need to play online games with someone of the opposite sex. No need to start private conversations or comment in an over-relaxed, joking manner on posts or pictures.From emails, the messaging on social media, SnapChat, etc.—don’t do anything that you would be ashamed to do in front of someone you love and respect, like the Prophet ﷺ. Know that Allah (swt) sees you above all, and wants your honor and integrity to be protected.

Cover your ‘awra (nakedness).

In short, the ‘awra of men is from their naval to their knees. However, it is highly encouraged for men to cover beyond this. In other words, it’s not modest to show up without a shirt or a super tight one and skinny jeans, exposing a brother’s form. For women, even in the most lenient opinions, the minimum that should be covered is everything but the face, hands, and feet, in loose, non-form fitting, opaque clothing. Traditionally some scholars allowed kuhl and powder as allowable make-up, and some allowed the plucking of eyebrows in our times. There are opinions that are much more encompassing, but deliberately being shared here is the base minimum for anyone interested in following a valid scholarly opinion within our tradition.

An important point of clarification is needed here. When we think of a woman’s public dress in Islam, the Prophetic understanding was that it was a level more modest than that of men. There is an incident where the Prophet ﷺ gives a companion a thawb (dress) and later sees that companion and asks him why he does not wear it. The companion says he let his wife wear it. To this the Prophet encourages him to tell his wife to wear something under it because he fears that her form would show if she wears it without a layer under it (the way a man would). In other words, the ‘awra of a woman requires an additional standard of looseness. ((Kuwaiti Encyclopedia of Fiqh, `awra’))

Now, what does that mean for men and women struggling to maintain these general dress guidelines? Does that mean they should not be permitted into Muslim spaces when the opposite sex will be present, nor organize campus or community events? Absolutely not! All should be welcome; all of us struggle with different aspects of our worship and this is simply one that’s more obvious because it’s outer. Principle number 4 means each of us are responsible for what we see. At the same time, even if one does not normally cover the full ‘awra, when it comes to sacred spaces such as the Masajid as the Houses of Allah, we should make an extra effort to wear our most God-pleasing clothing there, as a way of showing extra deference to our Creator. This is not an act of hypocrisy; it’s an act of respect. This is simply an explanation of guidelines while recognizing each person has their own journey, struggle, and varying abilities to perform. The scholars also differentiated between `awra ghaleetha and `awra khafeefa: that some body parts or more `awra’ than others. A person may try to grow gradually in their dress hoping to ease the path toward following all its guidelines.

A couple of critical points to take into consideration:

A. Hijab for women is not about Men.

When Muslim women are asked why do they wear hijab, the simple answer is, “Because God asked me to” not “Because men asked me to.” Hijab is about Allah (swt) and submitting to His will and trusting His way. It’s an incredibly spiritual act especially today because you must strive to remove the desire for human approval completely in order to practice it well. Allah (swt) says, “that is purer for you.” Hijab is a purification. For some, hijab may help purify the tendency towards vanity. For others, it is simply a constant physical reminder that our goal in life is to please our Creator. The experience of hijab for many is described as “liberating” and “a divine gift” as it encourages us to recognize our own spiritual and intellectual center, and compels us to honor, even celebrate this most sacred part of ourselves as we deal with the world.

B. Hijab is not meant to erase physical beauty, but honor it.

What happens if a woman covers herself appropriately, and people still feel tempted by her or are attracted to her? Beauty is not a woman’s ‘fault’, and she is not asked to hide because others can’t control their feelings. Rather, they must lower their gaze and purify their thoughts.

Ibn Abbas said: “A beautiful woman, from among the most beautiful of women, used to pray behind the Prophet ﷺ. Some of the people used to go to pray in the first row to ensure they would not be able to see her. Others would pray in the last row of the men, and they would look from underneath their armpits to see her. Because of this act, in regard to her, Allah revealed, “And We have already known the preceding [generations] among you, and We have already known the later [ones to come],” (Qu’ran, 15:24). ((This hadith is found in ibn Majah, Abu Dawud, Tayalisi, Baihaqi, Ahmad, Tirmidhi, and Nasai and it is judged SAHIH by Albani. He includes it as #3472 in his Silsilat al-Ahadith as-Sahih))

In this incident, Allah (swt) does not reveal that a barrier be put up to block off the view of the women’s side. He does not ask the woman to not come to the masjid. She is not told to wear niqab. She is not asked to pray in the last lines. Allah is addressing the men and these are verses revealed after the command of hijab was in place. Allah is telling them that He knows what is in their hearts. Hijab is not to remove all beauty from a woman. Rather, it is to let her define her sense of beauty by donning the dress and character that pleases God.

Lower your gaze.

God commands the believing men and women to lower from their gazes in the Qur’an. ((Qur’an 24:30-31)) The imperative word here is “from.” Scholars have commented that looking at each other in and of itself is not prohibited, for if it was the word “from” would have been omitted in the command. However, the command indicates there are some gazes that are not allowed, and this based on Prophetic guidance includes the lustful gaze as well as looking at what is considered ‘awra. Yet, it is common practice for men and women in Muslim activist settings to avoid looking at one another directly in the eyes or in the face, and they are dressed modestly. Some scholars have mentioned that this is praiseworthy as a form of respect. However, in the greater western context, not making eye contact is usually considered awkward and can be seen as distrustful and in an instance like this, we can take our general cultural custom to inform the way we interact within the aforementioned Islamic boundaries.

What this looks like in person: Therefore, in general, the best way to fulfill this requirement is to simply avert your gaze specifically if you find yourself attracted to someone, not to check anyone out, and to avoid looking at certain areas of the body you should not be looking at anyway—most especially if they are uncovered. Otherwise, it’s permissible to simply look a person in the eyes politely when having a conversation. This applies both inside of and outside of Muslim spaces.

What this looks like online/social media: When you put up a picture on social media, be cognizant of what other people are seeing. And if you wouldn’t make a crazy duck face or show certain body parts to a person of the opposite sex in person or look at those things in person, do not post that type of picture or send that picture over SnapChat or stare at those pics if they’re sent to you (which, btw, why are they being sent to you?). Do not deliberately spend time staring at a picture of someone of the opposite sex without purpose. When commenting on a picture—even if it’s of the same gender—avoid statements such as, “Hey sexy!” or “Hot!” especially when you know that person has friends of the opposite sex who will also see those pictures and those comments in their newsfeed.

Keep it public.

The Prophetﷺ taught us “…Satan is the third person in an isolated area (khalwah) where there is only a man with a (non-mahram) woman…” (Ibn Al-Atheer – Sahih).

This narration indicates that being alone with one person of the opposite gender who is not a direct relative (mahram) is prohibited in Islam. Being alone constitutes any space which is locked and opaque, or open but totally isolated.

What this looks like in person: In person: Meet in public spaces. Whether it’s in the library or an off-campus café, make sure your professional organizing happens in a public space and at an appropriate time. Even in a public space, a suggestion is to bring a respectful third person or a group of people to make sure you and the other person are not the only ones together, as a way of maintaining a professional environment. This also changes a bit as you grow in different life stages.

If you’re in high school and working on a project, you should definitely bring other people along if you meet outside of school in a café or somewhere informal. If you’re in your fifties and you’re meeting to discuss masjid board policy away from the masjid, meeting in a public space should be sufficient without needing “chaperones.” Imams, for example, have office hours at the masjid, and leave the door open or open their blinds so others can see in, if the door is closed to protect confidentiality. For non-Imams and work spaces, if what you need to meet about is private, like needing crucial advice, simply meeting in a public space should be sufficient as long as you’re both aware of being respectful and keeping things professional. If you can bring a third person who can sit somewhere nearby who is not able to hear the conversation, consider this option. This is not to suggest you and the other person meeting together, in a public space, are going automatically to do something lewd if you don’t. It’s simply to protect your hearts, words and yes, long-term actions, from going down the path of regret—and instead allow both persons to engage each other in a way that inspires true respect and noble love for Allah (swt).

What this looks like online/social media: When applicable, have a third person involved. For example, if you are a female organizing an event and you are emailing a male, yet you know that another male or female is also involved in that specific aspect you’re emailing about, then simply include them in the conversation. Some people when they have to work closely with someone of the opposite gender, simply let them know that they have given their email password to their spouse or trusted sibling, in order to allow everyone to feel like the door to the room is open rather than locked. Others choose to make phone calls when they’re around people and the person they are calling is aware of that fact. The point isn’t to constantly have yourself monitored, it’s really to just build a repertoire between one another in your interactions. By not feeling fully alone together, the relationship remains fraternal and professional.

Protect your reputation.

At the outset, it must be stated that the concept of a reputation is misused at times. Sometimes, parents do not allow their daughters specifically to do certain things that they consider immodest or immoral within a specific cultural context due to a fear of what others may say about them. This sometimes causes young women to feel angry and frustrated and often blame Islam for being restrictive when in reality, it’s a specific concept their family has about what is and isn’t appropriate. Misusing the concept of protecting one’s honor has negative and unnecessary ramifications. And yes, people should make 70 excuses for what they see or hear about others. However, at the same time, there is a place in Islam for protecting our reputation and not putting ourselves in situations where another believer may feel concerned about us.

What this looks like in person: This is exactly what the Prophet ﷺ did when walking with his wife Safiya radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her). Someone saw them and the Prophet ﷺ said, “This is Safiya!” They were surprised and said, “Prophet of God! We would never think you had a girlfriend or something like that!” The Prophet ﷺ responded, “Yes, but Satan travels through people like blood through the body.” ((Bukhari)) The Prophet’s ﷺtechnical circumstances were halal but he wanted to make sure it was clear and not misunderstood.

What this looks like online/social media: The unfortunate reality of a sister or brother having an inappropriate or unnecessary online relationship has repercussions. For example, with an MSA brother, a sister may become a counselor-like friend and sometimes falls for the brother. The brother sometimes though, turns to her not because he wants to marry her, but because he perhaps enjoys that relationship with a female without having to commit to her and at times, may lead her on. On the flip side in another example, a sister may enjoy informal, intimate conversations and a certain brother’s attention; she may not be interested in marrying him, but enjoys the relationship and may sometimes lead him on. In both scenarios, the sister and brother may get a reputation for being easily used, desperate or whipped. Brothers and sisters: this is about respecting yourself enough that you do not allow yourself to be put in suspect situations that can harm your well-being and reputation in your specific context.

No touching.

The Messenger ﷺ stated, “It is better for an iron rod to be driven into the head of a man, than for him to touch a woman who is not permissible for him.” (Mu’jam al Kabir) Though the word ‘touch’ here is understood by some scholars to be a euphemism for fornication, generally the principle is applied for all unnecessary (non-medical, etc.) touching, as derived from the Prophetic biography.

God tells us, “And do not come near unlawful sexual intercourse.” Not touching is a preventative measure as to what can come that’s greater. The Prophet ﷺnever shook hands when he took the Pledge of Aqaba from the female companions, though he did with the men. This shows at the very least that touching, even by shaking hands with the opposite gender, is not generally encouraged. There should be no casual high fives, no hugs, no physical interaction between sexes who are not closely blood related or married. Not even if you’re “promised” to one another and going to be married soon. Unless you have your written marriage contract (known as the “katb al-kitab” or “`aqd” or “nikah” in different cultures and sometimes considered an engagement after the contract is signed), no physical touching should happen.

But what about shaking hands in our specific context,, as a known form of greeting and professionalism?

Consider Shaykh Yusuf Qaradwi ‘s and Shaykh Abdullah bin Bayyah ‘s discussions on the issue. His allowance, with caveats, must be read and understood, as it provides an alternative to the typical discussion on prohibition. If you choose not to shake hands, make sure you politely decline with class and creativity. Ensure it’s done in ways that would help hearts feel closer to you rather than turn away in aversion.

Be respectful of people’s personal space and levels of comfort.

We deal with different Muslims from different backgrounds. We do not want to impose our gender interaction cultural norms on them. We should try to engage them with what is comfortable for them, without giving up our own rights. This is just basic consideration for how others feel, male and female. Once the Prophet ﷺ even changed the way he was sitting out of his consideration for the modesty of Uthman (ra):

Aisha reports: The Prophet ﷺwas lying down in his house with his thighs or his calves exposed. Abu Bakr asked permission to enter and was permitted while the Prophet ﷺ was in that position and he came in and spoke with him ﷺ. Then, Umar asked permission to enter. He was granted permission and came in and spoke with him ﷺ while in that position. Then, Uthman asked permission and the Prophet ﷺ sat up and straightened his clothing. He was then permitted and came in and spoke with the Prophet ﷺ. After he had gone, Aisha said: Abu Bakr entered and you did not get up for him or worry about him and Umar came in and you did not get up for him nor worry about him but when Uthman came in, you straightened out your clothing! The Prophet ﷺ said: “Should I not be shy of a man around whom the angels are shy?” (Muslim)

This is a true act of love for Allah (swt), and such consideration for the comfort levels of the other should be practiced across genders as well.

What this looks like in person: Some people from other countries or ways of thinking do not talk to unrelated members of the opposite sex for any reason (unless an absolute emergency) and are even uncomfortable giving salam (greetings of peace). In our western context, scholars have encouraged men and women to spread the salam to build a sense of support and community especially as a religious minority. Generally speaking, it is praiseworthy to initiate the salam and an obligation to respond to it, ((Qur’an 4:86)) regardless of gender, unless you have good reason to believe it would be understood as flirtatious to do so. If you know someone is uncomfortable, do not put them in an awkward situation—even with something as simple as the salam. At the same time, a man from such an environment may feel uncomfortable with women in the same prayer space and want them to leave. For this, women should ***not*** be expected to leave because of someone else’s discomfort; women should take their Islamic right to worship in the House of God. In this example, it is the other person who needs to practice consideration of her rights.

Another example is to not stand too close to each other when you are talking. If you can smell their breath, shampoo, or deodorant then you are standing too close. If someone takes a step back everytime you take a step forward, then realize they prefer a bigger gap between themselves and you and stop inching forward.

What this looks likes online/social media: If you friend request someone of the opposite gender on Facebook and they don’t confirm, respect their privacy. If someone always CCs a third party when they email you, try to reply all and respect that. When we treat each other with nobility, it fosters trust.

Speak in a decent manner.

Perhaps there is no single behavior that more clearly defines our manners than speech. Allah (swt) has many commands about speech in the Qur’an. Its content should be good and decent (2:235). Its tone should be straight-forward (33:70). It should not be made soft on purpose (33:32). It should not be loud and arrogant (31:19). There should be no vain or excessive speech (23:3).

This is interesting as 90% of communication is non-verbal, and most perception comes from our tone of voice. And nothing affects tone of voice like intention. When the intention is good, speech is naturally unaffected and straight-forward, good in both content and delivery. The best way to examine our own hearts sometimes is to use our speech as a window to ourselves so we can ask, “What is going on inside?”

What this look likes in person: Speech is normal. This may appear humorous but as a dear sister once asked, “Why didn’t anyone just tell us to be normal?” In her situation, she was working and wanted to make da`wah (call to Islam) to her co-workers by showing how friendly and extra helpful a Muslim can be. Slightly sheltered in her upbringing, she went out of her way just to be very excited and supportive all the time and it was unfortunately understood as something else. Her version of ‘nice’ was over the top. She realized later that co-workers of the opposite gender, according to the advice of the Human Resources department, simply were to engage each other in a straight-forward, ‘normal’ way which is what Islam encourages anyway. Her speech was simply a mistake; but others actually make the mistake in their intention too. Don’t deliberately try to use an attractive sounding voice, don’t deliberately laugh and giggle for the purpose of drawing flirtatious attention, don’t extend conversations endlessly just to stay in the presence of another person. In other words, just be normal!

What this looks like online/social media: Don’t flirt, don’t be excessive in praise, or dismissive and disrespectful in joking. Use language that you wouldn’t feel shy of the Prophet ﷺ witnessing, knowing Allah (swt) always does.

Ensure your circumstances are safe.

One of the conditions for allowing women’s travel alone is safety and ensuring the place of stay. In general, for both men and women, Personal Safety (life, health) in itself is considered one of the greater objectives of Islamic Law. Keep in mind, two people don’t need to be in complete isolation for it to be unsafe.

What this look likes in person: If you’re a sister, going to a brother’s apartment, or a brother going to a sister’s apartment to study for example, even if it is shared with others—that is unsafe. Going into a public parking lot that is empty to get class notes at an odd hour of the night is unsafe. The point is, whether man or woman, be smart about where you meet, choose an appropriate time, and ensure it’s in a safe space.

What this looks like online/social media: Do not put personal information like where you live on your Facebook or other online site. If you’re “checking in” somewhere online, let it be somewhere public and attended by people. For example, if you are at the beach when it’s deserted at night, do not “check in” live on sites or social media where your location can be tracked by strangers, or even people you don’t know well.

________________________

Finally, the pursuit of marriage is the reason many young people get involved in relationships or put themselves in situations they later regret. Marriage is a noble intention, and should be pursued nobly. A guiding principle is the ends don’t justify the means in Islam. The space of Islamic work may be a place where people meet potential spouses, but the work should not be used as an excuse to get attention under the guise of being interested in marriage. Once a person realizes their interest in marriage towards someone is a sustained interest, they should take a respectful and responsible approach. That means, be like Musa, `alayhi as salaam (peace be upon him), and talk to her family. Or be like Khadijah (ra), and talk to a reputable friend, preferably married, who can find a tactful way to recommend you. It is permissible to approach the person you’re interested in directly, specifically if you know that’s their personal preference as well since not everyone has a supportive or present family. However, make sure it’s done with respect. When you’re respectful in both means and method, you can pursue your intention for marriage through its blessed path, and continue your Islamic work/volunteering on its own blessed path.

Inter-gender relations can be tricky, but remember: Just be normal! With the right intention, with purpose, and with efforts to try our best with the general guidelines God has revealed for our work together, we can focus on ensuring that our relationships lead to benefiting ourselves, our families, our societies and the world at large, with God’s will.

It is hoped that this inter-gender relations summary be of service to brothers and sisters everywhere. May Allah (swt) ennoble our character, manners, and disposition with what pleases Him most. May He allow us to practice both the spirit and letter of His guidance for us. May He forgive our many shortcomings and mistakes. May Allah increase us in His remembrance, gratitude, guidance, and beautify our worship. May He accept from us all. Ameen.

Sappy Love

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 12:00:29 +0000

Photo: slimmer_jimmer

We know about sappy love movies, where lovers have that star-dazed look in their eyes and are willing to do anything- anywhere- anytime- to be with their lover. Well, that does exist in Muslim marriages. And while the following narrative may not be possible for everyone because of time restrictions, every couple can do something special to go the extra mile and show their love.

And for those skeptics who may think this couple just got married yesterday and therefore are still head over heels for each other…. The writer mentioned they’ve been married for five years! May God increase their love with every day that passes!

Pay special attention to their conversation: He loves seeing her, and not only does she love to see him…she loves to see him because she knows Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), will be pleased with her and will reward her for making her husband happy.

Again, this little story does not have to be yours. But think: What can be your story?

“I don’t work on Tuesdays. I have the entire day to myself. My husband works an hour and a half away.

Every Tuesday, instead of sleeping in or whatever, I choose to drive out to my husband’s work and have lunch with him.

I love it because it means we spend more time together, alhamdulillah (praise be to God).

My husband sometimes feels bad that I have to drive so much just for lunch and says, ‘Don’t make it a necessity. Do it if you can. Of course, I look forward to Tuesdays because you come.’

To which I reply, ‘That’s it, that’s all I come for, because you look forward to it. Moreover, I get rewarded for making my husband happy.'”

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Through Thick and Thin

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 16 Jul 2014 12:00:42 +0000

Photo: Brandice Schnabel

Every person has a different marriage experience and sometimes, it may turn sour. When words of divorce are spoken, it can often lead to incredibly painful emotions. In this narrative, a woman describes the way she grappled with her emotions through patience and prayer, and what she realized about her husband, and her marriage, in the end.

“Leave…Go away…I have no feelings towards you! I am just waiting for the right time to divorce you!”

These were the words my husband spoke to me which sliced through my heart like a dagger.

We had a beautiful relationship and two sweet kids… What made him say this? Yes, life was not all too smooth. There had been many hitches… but did that lead to this?! I was shattered, my world shrunk, my soul constricted.

A thousand thoughts crossed my mind, searching for reasons, wanting answers… What he had said didn’t sound good enough. I was not convinced and I was not leaving. Anyway he had just threatened it, not actually divorced me. I didn’t have to leave. It was still my choice, and I chose to stay.

Over the days, I would ponder what caused this indifference. Not finding any answers, I would cry myself to sleep.

Meanwhile he was distant, uncompromising, never ever glancing towards me, so lost in his own devices. In a different world.

Days turned to weeks then to months and then years. I held on, reproached him, approached him, pleaded, distanced myself, shut out all emotions, prayed, lived mechanically.

Slowly the answers tumbled out: “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m in deep trouble, something which I can’t even discuss, something from which there’s no way out, at least from where I see it… I want you to be safe, the kids to be safe and happy and live.”

In the dead of the night, turning in prayer to his Lord, he would plant a kiss on my forehead not knowing I was aware, awake, that his every waking moment would stir me. He wanted me there as much as he wanted me to go away. But he could not think of any better solution. He felt there was no way out. Where he was headed towards seemed to be a one-way road.

Then it dawned so clear—this was the truth behind the facade. He actually loved me, loved the kids more than I could even imagine. So much so that he was willing to separate himself from us for our safety, our happiness, our lives. He knew I would not leave him, not abandon him out of fear, and hence chose to distance me, separate me.

AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) my Lord is He who has power over all things.

I stayed on, held on, du`a’ (prayer) kept me going. AlhamdulilLah I got to experience that unflinching love, that selfless love of my hubby. I did not know what a marriage was when I got married. From my better half, I learned that it was all about taking responsibility and putting family first, against all odds.”

How Can I Enjoy Listening to the Qur’an in Taraweeh When I Don’t Understand What is Being Recited?

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Mon, 07 Jul 2014 12:00:43 +0000

Originally posted in August 2012

During Ramadan, many of us attend taraweeh (night prayers) at the masjid. Some of us stay until the Imam leads us in witr (a final supplementary prayer). For many of us, this can amount to over two hours of prayer time and for many of us, we understand almost nothing.

Sometimes, during the recitation of the Qur’an we hear the people around us crying profusely and we wish we could understand what could be so powerful that those around us are reduced to such tears. We can sometimes make out a specific word, but within a moment, we are back to indistinguishable meanings and simply wishing we knew what was going on.

I used to have no idea what was going on in the prayer. I remember standing for lengthy time periods behind the Imam, trying to make my mind focus but finding it constantly drift off; it’s very, very hard to concentrate when the mind has nothing to contextualize. I eventually would settle on trying to think of anything for which I could possibly be grateful. But taraweeh prayers are long; without understanding, my heart would simply get bored and my limbs would always fidget. Thoughts of my day, my concerns, my hopes and my food cravings after a day of fasting would all filter through my conscious while I shifted around. It’s hard to keep still for that long when one is mentally checked out and physically disengaged.

However, Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) guided me to an action which changed my life and revolutionized my prayer and du`a (supplication) experience ever since. It’s simple, but it takes long-term dedication. The results, for me, were powerful and transformational. The common-sense solution that worked miracles in my life by Allah’s blessings: reading a translation.

Every single day, for a number of years, I would sit and read five pages of the Qur’an in the English translation. I would do this while both reciting and listening to the Arabic recitation, allowing my ears to become accustomed to the Arabic words associated with the English.

After a few months of this practice, the first Ramadan came. In my hometown masjid, the Imam would lead twenty rakahs (units of prayer). So I would pray eight rakahs and then sit in the back and read the translation of the verses for the next twelve. I continued this throughout Ramadan and was extremely consistent with this practice for the next year. Soon, my awareness of Arabic words increased; I realized that the Qur’an uses many of the same words over and over and I was able to recognize them. I was also becoming more familiar with the surahs (chapters); I had an introductory understanding of what themes were being discussed in certain portions of the Qur’an due to keywords and a general awareness of what the surah entailed.

By the second Ramadan, I was praying with purpose. While I still had no idea what every word meant, I had begun to comprehend general meanings of many of the chapters and I was able to grasp the overarching messages of some of the verses. I kept up my practice of praying eight and reading the translation. I even had a few emotional moments. I started looking forward to certain verses that were my favorites. I was finally beginning to understand and I was actually enjoying it; the sweetness of the Qur’an had penetrated my heart and taken hold of my body. Praying taraweeh in Ramadan became a means of nourishment for my soul and tranquility for my limbs.

I also began memorizing the Qur’an and the more I memorized, the more my vocabulary expanded. After four years of reading the translation consistently and memorizing the Qur`an, I was enthralled with the idea of praying for hours behind the Imam. I could not wait for Ramadan; all year I waited for the last ten nights specifically, when the Imam would recite the Qur’an for an even longer period of time. My character, my life’s purpose, my Ramadan experience completely changed because I finally grasped a general understanding of the Qur’an.

Six years after I began reading the translation consistently and memorizing portions of the Qur’an, I moved to Egypt to learn Arabic. When I started, I took a practice test and was placed in an intermediary level. However, when I met my teacher for the first time, barely able to communicate a few sentences, she was shocked. “Your vocabulary is so expansive,” she told me, “but you clearly are a beginner!” Needless to say, I was re-placed as a beginner. Throughout our lessons, my Arabic teacher would express her surprise at my ability to understand certain words in depth simply because they appeared in the Qur’an, while others I struggled with at great lengths. Eventually, she told me that my Qur’anic preparation was what helped me actually grasp the language and is what had originally placed me at a level far higher than I really was.

Focusing on learning Arabic in Egypt, even at a basic level, allowed me to come to appreciate the incredible linguistic miracles of the Qur’an. The grammar, the syntax, the rhetoric, use of specific words—an appreciation for the deeper linguistic mechanisms did not happen simply because I had read the translation for an extended period of time. However, by Allah’s blessings, my self-training had laid the groundwork and with it, I was able to appreciate the Qur`an, prayer, and du`a’ at levels far beyond what I had even imagined before making the commitment to seek understanding.

The lesson in this personal experience is that taking time to learn Arabic as a language, studying the grammar, syntax and rhetoric are very important, but not absolutely necessary for a meaningful relationship with understanding the messages of the Qur’an. Studying Arabic can help create a more cumulative appreciation of the mind-blowing power of the Qur’an, but none of us needs to grasp onto a future hope or past failed attempts of being fluent in Arabic in order to emotionally and intellectually become attached to the Qur’an. Such a relationship can begin simply by dedicating oneself to understanding the general translation of the words of the Qur’an in our native languages, and that can take place at any place and time. It is one that requires commitment and time, but if a person is serious and dedicated, God willing, they will eventually see the benefits of their toil and they will begin to understand and fulfill their purpose with greater perfection and zeal.

Here is a suggested plan of action that should be fit to a person’s individual situation. This is what worked for me, and it will differ from one individual to another. If a person begins this Ramadan, taking advantage of the blessings of this month, with their own plan of action, insha’Allah (God willing) by next Ramadan, they will notice a marked difference in their taraweeh and Qur’anic experience. This is the month to make a commitment to act; this is the month of success.

Read the Qur`an in translation every single day. Choose a chunk to read in translation daily (ie: five pages) and couple it with reading it in Arabic and/or listening to it in Arabic.
During Ramadan specifically, choose to pray a certain number of rakahs for taraweeh, but also make it a point to sit down and follow the recitation with the English translation. What is of more benefit? Praying for hours without understanding and hoping to get rewards (insha’Allah) or sitting, reading and understanding, finding oneself captivated by the incredible power of the Qur’an and actually feeling oneself coming closer to Allah (swt) and changing one’s life to maintain that relationship with Him? Long term, in this life and the next, insha’Allah there are rewards for both. But for the one who strives, there is much more reward for a person who actually lives the Qur’an instead of standing for a period of time, completely tuned out because of a lack of understanding.
For Ramadan especially, try to read the translation of the surah that will be covered in that night’s prayer. That way, even if one is not able understand what is recited specifically, one will know the general meaning of the verses and one’s mind can focus on those general lessons and messages.
Hone in on key words and use them to focus on salah (prayer). For example, when familiar with the different words which indicate “Paradise,” imagine Paradise. Imagine standing in Paradise, with its breathtaking beauty…and suddenly finding someone covering your vision with their hands! When you turn around, imagine who you would want to see most in that moment. Your mom? Your dad? Your grandparent? Your sibling? Your spouse? Your child? Your best friend? Imagine. You haven’t seen this person in possibly decades, centuries—you’ve gone through life without them or death came to you first and you had been in the grave for some time. Then you made it through the Day of Judgment. You finally have entered Paradise—you passed the test! And suddenly, you are with the person who you loved and missed the most. How would you feel in that moment? Allow your heart to FEEL the verses talking about Paradise as they apply to you. Use keywords to help your mind and heart interact with the Qur’an’s message to you.
Listen to the Qur’an and its translation constantly; while stuck in frustrating traffic, while cooking and cleaning, while walking from one end of campus to another; allow the recitation of the Qur’an to penetrate the soul and the translation of the Qur’an to crack the hardened heart. The more one listens to the Arabic recitation and translation, the more familiar one will become with understanding the Qur’an.
Study the meanings of Qur’anic words specifically over time. Here is a suggested resource to begin: http://abdurrahman.org/qurantafseer/learnquran.pdf
Throughout the year, work on tajweed (correct recitation of the Qur`an in Arabic) and memorization. Over time, this will significantly aid in a special working relationship with the Qur’an, God willing.

Many of us complain about our inability to understand what is being recited of the Qur’an and to maintain focus or enjoyment in prayer due to this reason. I know the feelings of boredom, frustration and helplessness. I know what it means to blame our lack of “experiencing” the “Ramadan feeling” on our lack of understanding of what is being recited.

However, we have the capability to revolutionize this experience, with Allah’s Help. We can become of those who truly understand, whose hearts are captivated and whose limbs are calmly in awe, whose minds are blown away at what we are listening to of the Qur’an. The methods are there and the tools are available. The real question is: Are we willing to make the time and dedicate the effort?

Many of us have tried different methods to wake our hearts up in Ramadan and help them focus on the prayer when we do not understand what is being said. What tips do you have which have worked in your life? Please share them so we all benefit insha’Allah.

Ramsha—An 8th-Grade Muslim Girl’s Perspective

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Fri, 04 Jul 2014 12:00:07 +0000

Photo: Justin Kiner

My Perspective Counts: Part I

In this series of My Perspective Counts, we will be exploring the unique and inspiring lives of Muslims from all backgrounds, faith practices, age ranges and all other variables. Through interviews, we will learn about their struggles, perspectives, passions and wisdom. The following questions were specifically tailored to this young Muslim woman.

Tell us a little about yourself: Your name, grade, personality/interests, a little background on where you grew up and your family.

My name is Ramsha. Even though I’ll be 13 in about 3 months, I’m a rising 8th grader. I’m a “girly girl” who loves nail polish and clothes. My little sister is also my little model! I also have a younger brother and a loving mom and dad. I was born in the United States but I grew up in Vancouver, Canada. I lived there for about 12 years.

As a young person, you seem interested in Islam. How did that start and what role does Islam play in your life?

Islam is my way of life. But it wasn’t always like that. About 3 years ago my parents went for Hajj. When they came back, I saw that they were more practicing. We started to put more deen (religion) into our lives. I started to wear the hijab (head covering) not too long ago. I got my first job delivering newspapers last year. My mom didn’t tell me to wear the hijab or not. She just said, “It’s your choice, but I’m telling you, it’s better to start from day one rather than from the middle.” I decided to start wearing it from that day. It was actually the day before my 12th birthday. As I started wearing the hijab, I felt myself getting stronger and stronger in my faith. It was just like lip balm. It contains an ingredient that makes it addictive, so the more you put on, the more you need. All it took was for my mom to give my wagon a little push.

What are some of the challenges you face as a young Muslim woman?

People at school come up to me with many questions. Some I didn’t know how to answer at that time. For example, this girl once asked me, “If you have Jesus, Moses, and Noah in your religion, why aren’t you Christian?” Of course I don’t answer every question I get, because we are all still learning. Others can have really long answers. I once posted a picture saying, “Smile! It’s sunnah!” The following day, everyone was asking me what sunnah was. Others are just plain silly. Along with the usual “Do you have hair/ears?”, the weirdest question I have ever gotten was, “Do you have Voldemort hidden in the back of your head?”

Another thing I face is stereotypes. I have had people at school dare each other to tell me racist jokes and ask me racist questions like, “Your mom is so stupid she thought the twin towers were runways,” and, “Have your parents ever belonged to a terrorist organization?” Of course they did get caught, but I felt sad that this is what they think of Muslims.

Please share a story of a time where you explained Islam to someone else. What did they ask, what did you say and how was your experience?

I was once going out on the field after lunch when a girl came and asked me, “What are you?” I decided that because she was my age I could joke around with her. So I said, “Oh, I’m a human,” and our conversation continued:

Her: Yeah, I can see that but like what part of India are you from?

Me: It may seem surprising but I am not Indian. I am from Canada. I am just Muslim. It’s a religion, not an ethnicity.

Her: So, why do you wear that on your head?

Me: I’m obeying God’s orders. And it’s not just in Islam. For example, even in your church, you never see a picture of Virgin Mary with her head uncovered.

Her: I understand. But aren’t you hot?

Me: Honestly, yes. I can get a bit sweaty, but the human body’s an amazing machine. It can get used to anything. And besides, it’s just like a hat protecting me from the sun.

Her: I wish I was you. It gets really hot here in South Carolina.

I felt really excited and gave a smile.

Her: Hey, do you know that guy Osama bin Laden?

Me: I know what you’re going to ask. And no, I don’t look up to him. Even though he was Muslim, he was also misguided, got lost, went astray.

Her: Oh ok. Hey, my sister told me you guys pray 500 times a day. Is that true?

Me: [giggles] No, it’s only five. One at the break of dawn, one after midday, one when the sun is at eye level, one when it sets, and one when the sky is completely dark.

Her: Oh, so do you pray at school?

Me: Before the time change, I used to go behind the curtain to pray at lunch. When the clocks moved forward, I could pray my noon prayer as soon as I got home, if my bus was on time.

Just then, a boy tapped me on the shoulder.

Me: Could you please not touch me?

Her: Oh, you don’t like being touched?

I quoted directly from the seminar: In Islam, there is no touchy-feely, no try-it-before-you-buy-it, and such. I am the one in control of who touches me.

Her: So are you allowed to have, like, a boyfriend?

Me: No, but-

Her: Then how do you get married?

Me: If I like someone, then I tell my parents. It’s their job to invite his family over and find out from who’s in their family history, all the way to what do they post on instagram. So basically the parents do the dating for you.

Her: I thought that the parents choose for you?

Me: That is an option though.

[bell rings]

That girl and I ended up becoming good friends.

Anything else you’d like to share?

I would like to tell every Muslim girl: remind yourself that it’s all temporary. Don’t get attached. Look in the mirror and say, “I am a Muslimah; I am strong, and I am beautiful.”

I would also like to share a few good books (other than the Qur’an, of course) that I have come across. There is “Reclaim Your Heart” by Yasmin Mogahed and “The Prophet’s Methods of Correcting People’s Mistakes” by Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid. I also follow @islamicquotes on Instagram and would like to give them a shoutout.

—Ramsha

The Little Things That Count

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 12:00:06 +0000

Photo: Adam Hilliker

Some of us have grandiose ideas of what romance is. Many of us have been programmed by popular culture to expect big gestures of love and passion and intimacy. However, when we take the time to appreciate the romance in consistent acts of love, such as mutual support in the home, the encouragement for all we take on outside, it allows us to look at romance in an entirely different, practical, possible, tangible way.

“I am not a car person. I don’t care what I drive. I don’t take care of my car. Which is the opposite of my husband. He is ‘married’ to his car; he takes care of it and always reminds me to take care of my car.

The worst part about it for me is filling up on gas. I always do it at the last minute, Monday morning—right before work!

It was Sunday night and my husband had to go out and he insisted on taking my car instead of his.

It was Monday morning the next day, and as usual I was rushing. My husband was also in a rush, but he told me, ‘Relax, don’t rush!’

We exchanged quick hugs and I was out the door. As I started the engine, to my surprise the gas tank was full!

Later that day when I talked to him, I said, ‘Thank you! That was really nice of you to fill my gas. But why were you rushing this morning?’

To which he replied, ‘I had to fill mine!’

He skipped filling out his own tank so that he could fill mine. Completely shocked, I told him, ‘You didn’t have to do that!’ He responded, ‘It is my duty!’”

Contrary to what we often hear, there are spouses who deeply, deeply care about their better half and would be willing to do anything to support them. The beautiful part of this story was not only the action of the husband, but the way in which the wife appreciated his action. This, dear readers, is real life romance.

He Prayed Instead of Fought

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 12:00:27 +0000

Photo: Saima

In any relationship, disagreements are inevitable. How do you respond when a loved one makes a mistake? Let’s see how this husband responded and how it affected his wife and their relationship.

“If I was to describe my husband and myself, it would suffice to say that we belong to the opposite ends of a spectrum.

He enjoys watching a good movie while I enjoy reading a good book. My idea of a perfect weekend is a picnic in the park while he’s content unwinding at home. I would jump at the opportunity to do extreme sports while he’s content with the likes of “angry birds” 🙂

Our marriage was arranged by our parents and although we had numerous differences, there were some core values that were common.

Both of us held family as top priority, possessed the insatiable love to gain knowledge, and were passionate about trotting the globe to witness Allah’s magnificent creations.

As remarkable as it might seem, our first ever real argument occurred several years into our marriage!

It wasn’t because I didn’t have a mind or ideologies to stand up for. On the contrary, I had been a debater, a leader and fierce proponent of women empowerment all through my young adulthood. However, my husband has always had an aura of calmness and utmost patience that in those early days was irritating, but has now become infectious.

Here’s why it took us almost four years to engage in a quarrel with each other:

It was a couple of months into our marriage—I can’t remember over what or why—I had raised my voice and waited for his response. Annoyingly enough there was none. I went on and he kept quite. So I went on even more until, to my extreme shock and disbelief, my husband stood up and raced to the bathroom to make wudu’ (ablutions) and started praying. And when the prayer was over he sat for a long time making du`a’ (supplications).

The worst thing to happen in any argument is to face-off with a silent opponent! However, the SCARIEST thing is to have an opponent who talks to Allah instead of engaging with you! As I stood watching, my anger turned into guilt and then remorse.

Did I really hurt an innocent being because I was having a crappy day for no fault of his? Did my being away from my family make me so bitter that I started harming my newly-wed husband?

Did he REALLY just get up and start praying? Is he complaining about me to my Lord?

As these thoughts raced through my head, I felt extremely sorry and apologized to him.

That day I realized, and secretly felt proud, to have a husband whom I not only liked but for whom I had immense respect.

Over the years, I have learned so much from him, have grown to love him, enjoy his company, and appreciate his insight on different issues. Above all, I can’t thank Allah enough to have given me someone who has helped me become a better person, a better Muslim!

P.S.: When that inevitable husband-wife squabble occurred years later, both of us had grown stronger and closer to Allah (and each other) that it ended almost as quickly as it had started.

To this day, I look back fondly at all the times my beloved husband chose to offer prayers instead of screaming back at me.”

Giving the Love We Want

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 04 Jun 2014 12:00:57 +0000

Photo: Sathish J

Marriages flourish with compromise, understanding and appreciation on behalf of both spouses. In this narrative, a wife shares the way in which she was understanding and compromising of her husband’s personal preferences, and the way through which he still understood the importance of him showing his love to her a certain way.

“My husband is not someone who celebrates birthdays. In fact, on my first birthday/our anniversary when my husband gave me a card, my sister-in-law couldn’t get over it for a week. He thinks they are a waste of time and attract too much attention to self, not to mention the commercial business of it. Moreover, ‘The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) didn’t celebrate his,’ my husband says. I agreed with him.

However, I couldn’t help but plan something every year for his birthday. It was a very special day for me, and I wanted to express it. I didn’t care much for the anniversaries. I even forgot them for the first couple of years. So for 5 years, I would always celebrate his birthday with surprise gifts and plans, and for 5 years he would give me a card and a candy for my birthday and our anniversary (which I would often forget). This was fine by me, because I knew he had a very hard time celebrating birthdays and planning for one was like a huge project for him.

So, last year around my birthday time, I went to work as usual and so did he. As the routine goes, he gave me a card and my favorite candy right after we prayed fajr. By now, I was used to not expecting anything more from him.

Days before he had mentioned that he needed to take my car for service, so he would have to drop me off. That happened to be the day of my birthday. He wished me well and left for work. I am a teacher. I started teaching my first period and soon after the office manager delivered a beautiful bouquet of roses with a card. Imagine my surprise when I read on the card, ‘From hubby’! And of course, once the students found out, I had all my classes singing for me, which of course totally made my day, alhamdulillah (praise be to God)! Especially because I was not expecting it.

We usually call during the day to chat. But, that day I couldn’t wait until the lunch time and called him right away in disbelief, just to confirm that he was the sender. On that particular day, I had also forgotten my lunch and was super hungry by the time school ended. My husband still was not there to pick me up. So, he called me at 2:45pm and told me that he is stuck in a meeting and won’t be able to pick me up until 6 or 7 pm. I replied with calmness, like how he usually does.

Five minutes later, he called back and said that he had changed his mind and was going to pick me up. To my surprise, he was waiting in the car in the parking lot. By now, I had understood that he was teasing me about the 6′ o clock meeting.

Later he took me out to my favorite restaurant, which was another surprise, because I usually have to convince him to eat there.

By the end of the day I found out that it took him weeks to plan this day; he had taken a day off, planned my car service timing, and everything that he was going to tell me so it would flow well and be a complete surprise.

So, I said, ‘Wow, so you spent weeks planning this? You didn’t go to work for my birthday, when I went to work myself? You woke up like it was a regular day instead of sleeping in, you took a shower and got dressed just so I wouldn’t know? That’s crazy! You put on an act just to surprise me? You did the chocolates, the card, and the flowers. All these things that you dislike? That’s crazy! May Allah reward you for all this!’

Then I said, ‘But wait, if you were home how come I didn’t hear a thing (we had guests over at that time with their kids) when I called you this morning, thinking you were still in the office?’

To which he replied, ‘I spoke to you from our closet and made sure the door was locked!’

Then he continued, ‘Yes, it’s a very special day for me. I wouldn’t be me without this day. This is a blessed day, a lucky day for me. A day I am very thankful for.'”

This narrative specifies a celebration. You personally may not be religiously comfortable with celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, and that is fine. Please respect the differences of opinion amongst the scholars on these issues.

The point is what should not be missed: This wife did not expect her husband to do anything extra special for her birthday because he was uncomfortable with doing so. She understood that and never made him feel bad about not doing “what other husbands” do for their wives. Instead, she realized he would be okay with her doing something for him and she did, never expecting an equal return. But when he did surprise her with something, she appreciated it. She recognized his effort and appreciated it. Through compromise, understanding and appreciation, couples can find mutual ground to help their relationships blossom.

A Light From God

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Fri, 04 Apr 2014 12:00:54 +0000

This narrative took place about six years ago. This is a repost from 2008 with some general modifications.

Within five minutes of class I began to feel angry at myself. I had an exam to move on to the next level in Arabic within the hour, and I had not spent enough time studying. I had moved all the way to Cairo, to live my dream of studying Arabic, to finally understand the language of the Qur’an, and yet, here I was, unprepared for my exam.

My teacher caught on. “Are you feeling ok? Do you feel some pain?”

“Yeah…” I answered, hesitant to keep going, trying to get myself together, but needing someone to tell me: be patient, the road to knowledge is long and hard but worth it. I kept trying to tell myself that, but it was not working.

So I told her: I knew it was going to be hard, I was expecting difficulty, but man it’s hard, and man it’s difficult. I just need someone to tell me, I explained to her, that this is the way, and that knowledge is like this, that I can do it with God’s help.

And so she told me, and man, it was worth feeling all the anger and frustration to hear what she said to give me hope.

“Do you know who wrote THE book on Arabic grammar?” She asked me. No, I shook my head, I had no clue.

“Sibaway,” she said. And then she began to tell me about the great master of the Arabic language, Sibaway, may God have mercy on him.

He was a non-Arab. Persian, to be exact. When Sibaway would speak in Arabic, the people around him would make fun of him. Finally, he swore he would write THE book on Arabic grammar, and he even named it AL Kitab—THE Book. He was that confident. And Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), gave him sincere success in what he wrote. Until now, all these centuries later, she told me, no one, no Arab or non-Arab, has written like Sibaway, the master of this field.

But when he approached death, and may God have mercy on him, he began to feel great sadness. He lamented at the closeness of his death, and he thought about his companions. All of these people around him had memorized Qur’an, all of these people had memorized hadeeth (sayings of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). “Where is my Qur’an? Where is my hadeeth?” He cried. Instead, he lamented, that he was stuck between Zaid and Amr, the two famous characters in the Arabic grammar books.

He went to sleep distraught.

That night he had a dream, and he was visited by the GREATEST of the GREATEST men, The Beloved ﷺ, and was given glad tidings about his efforts!

Sibaway woke realizing that his work was indeed important, as it was a means to helping people know and understand the Qur’an. So much so that until now, his book continues to help people in their Qur’anic understanding.

“This is a non-Arab,” she told me. “This is the way of knowing the Qur’an. Do you think that if you stopped and asked a person on the street something in the Qur’anic Arabic, in classical Arabic, they could answer you? No, not just anyone can do this,” she continued, “because it takes work. It’s hard, but it’s worth it, being on the path of wanting to know the Qur’an.”

If Sibaway, a non-Arab, could write THE BOOK on Arabic grammar, what about all of you with all the skills and talents Allah (swt) has created you with? Look at what you were given, and see how you can maximize that for your ummah (community) and your society fisabilliah (in the way of God).

Let us do what the Prophet ﷺ did to help build the best generation which ever walked this earth: find the skills and talents within individuals—within OURSELVES—and take them and use them for God’s sake to make great leaps of progress. We need YOU in this ummah!

It doesn’t have to be Arabic, or Qur’an or Hadeeth—it can be anything beneficial, used to help others in a beneficial way.

And yes, it is going to be a struggle. But, as a dear teacher, may Allah (swt) protect him, once reminded me:

Isbiri, fa inna sabran nooron min Allah

Be patient! For indeed patience is light from God.