By Karim Serageldin

In the relationship work I do, I make sure we practice skills in session because I know change occurs through time and repetition. When couples go home with some new skills to practice, sometimes they come back to my office complaining that the growth did not take place. Sometimes they give up because it seems “too hard” or “forced.” I often ask myself, “Why is it so hard for people to change when they have the tools and just need to practice?” What is stopping us from being consistent? Over the years I have come to realize that there are mental blocks and natural fallbacks on the path to growth that we must be aware of in order to be empowered along the way. Here is my list to help guide us through the pulse of human growth!

1) Know the Keys to Growth.

Time + Repetition = Change

Time + Changes = Transformation

Time + Transformations = Mastery

Whether you want to learn how to play guitar, memorize Qur’an or instill a new relationship pattern, these keys will get you there. Know the keys and remember them often. Recall them when things get tough and you feel like giving up. Remember that nothing happens over night and every master was once a novice in their craft!

2) Know no one is perfect.

I often hear the following from couples that play the blame game, feel put down and give up easily.

“My husband tells me I am the problem and I need the counseling—not him.”

“She doesn’t want to do anything different, she thinks I can’t change.”

“He/she will never change, there is no point to this!”

Firstly, any human being that does not recognize that they can always learn and evolve as a person is ignorant and in even more need of growth! Both of you need to accept that each of you have potential for growth and sincere dedication is required to achieve anything. No one has the right to say, “I am fine and in no need to change,” or “I do not need new skills.”

This is a deadly delusion and will likely lead to many other failures in life.

3) Get comfortable with discomfort: The Pain Value System

Sometimes we know what we want but don’t know how to get it. I know I need to lose weight or improve my marriage but “I just can’t take that first step.” This lack of motivation is killed by the fear and anxiety of the discomfort of change. We like staying the same because it does not require any exertion. This is why we get stuck and before you know it, years go by and then you tell yourself, “It’s too late.”

We need to psychologically assess and accept the reality of discomfort with any change and get ready for it. Pain and hardship is inevitable in life. Get over it and stop expecting life to be a stream of undisturbed pleasure. No one is free from tests, trials and discomfort. This is the existential journey in which we grow and refine ourselves!

Since this is a fact, all of us must assess the pain between different paths of action as well as the gain of those paths. This is the pain value system.

For example: if I don’t like being overweight and recognize it gives me pain and discomfort, I may also see that having an exercise routine, eating better and sacrificing my midnight snack binges are also painful. Well, which one am I willing to be uncomfortable with? Both are paths that will be painful but which path will have greater gain and benefit for me in the long run? Stay fat or get fit? Hopefully this reasoning will help us break through that first step and realize “Enough is enough. I am going to suffer anyways so I might as well do what is best for me!”

In relationships, we must do what is best for “us.” Couples express how hard it will be to work on themselves or practice new skills. I tell them, “You are already suffering in this relational pattern so you might as well suffer in a path towards growth instead!” Push yourselves to practice skills and support one another! It is better to try changing with hard work, than stay stubborn and not work—both paths will be painful but one will end in pleasure and success!

4) Growth is incremental.

The keys to growth clearly show that things take time and happen in succession. We all know the saying, “Nothing happens over night.” Every step towards achievement is part of the achievement. To get to the top of the mountain where that epic view awaits, you have to take one step at a time. As we walk up the trail we may stop to rest, sit and reflect, hydrate or even fall down a few meters, but we have to keep going and move one foot at a time.

Growth has a pulse and it is not a direct line shooting up vertically or even at a smooth 45 degree angle. It usually has waves and crests much like the lifeline you see on a hospital monitor. As a Taoist proverb says, “It is better to move slowly than to stand still.” In Islam it is better to do a small good deed consistently than a huge deed once. Why? With time, those small deeds will become a mountain of goodness for you and change your character. In relationships the daily hug or smile you give your partner will result in a deeper intimate connection overtime. Research by Shaunti Feldhahn, a best selling author on relationships, has shown that it is the little things over time that make couples happier. For example saying, “I love you” to your wife or “Thank you” to your husband when he does something will take the edge off overtime and prevent conflict eruptions in the future besides increasing the connection and gratitude in your relationship.

5) Progress not Perfection.

One couple I worked with wanted to make the dawn prayer every day together. Before this they did not pray at dawn at all and the wife requested the husband wake them up to have this new spiritual habit. The following week she came in feeling like they failed and I asked why? She said, “We only prayed three times this past week.” I pointed out to her, “So you did make progress?” She thought for a moment and said, “Yeah, I guess we did.” I helped her see that she was too focused on praying everyday, the end goal, such that she overlooked the actual growth: praying three times that week verses zero!

The progress is more important than perfection. In fact, perfection is practically impossible. For those of you thinking, “Well what about mastery?” Mastery is still not perfection. Perfection is only for the Divine. Michael Jordan still missed some shots and Thomas Edison failed a thousand experiments before the light bulb. Yet we recognize them as masters in their trade and remember the achievements and progress they made—not the failures. This is a major block we have in relationships. We focus on the let downs and disappointments rather than the effort and small progress that is happening. We can’t get there and be there at the same time. Patience is at the heart of progress and staying consistent requires will power. We can give up easily if we frame our actual progress as “failure” in light of it not being “perfect.”

6) Relapses may occur.

Yes, old habits can die hard. You may have not shouted at your wife for three months then slipped up again. You may have prayed everyday for two weeks then only a few times the following week. You may have been at the gym all year then took a month off.

People are wired in certain ways and have habits and behavioral patterns. Change is not easy and from time to time a pulse or trigger goes off and we may act out or lose steam. It is not the end of the world! Get back to it and use your previous progress as proof that you can do it again and keep that change pulse vibrant! Some people are really disciplined and can maintain a new practice no matter what; others have relapses from time to time. Don’t see it as a failure but a change in frequency. The important thing is to keep your pulse alive no matter what! Remember this the next time your partner seems to have “gone back to their old ways.”

7) Appreciation & Reminders!

I always tell my clients, “Appreciation of kind acts leads to motivation to act kindly.” As humans we feel valued and honored when we are shown gratitude. When we feel validated we naturally want to do more for others. This is why a child can do the same act over and over again if they get praised. It literally feels like a sparkling light went off in the soul! Showing gratitude is so important I start my couple’s sessions off with each partner first voicing their gratitude to one another. Part of showing appreciation is to reward each other and ourselves through small tokens of gratitude, whether material, verbal or emotional. The human being likes incentives and our society is all about rewards; even the hereafter has a set of rewards in place for those who believed and did good! Bottom line—treat yourselves and treat each other from time to time for your achievements. This helps us feel like we can keep going and set milestones to look forward to.  Part of appreciation is to remind one another of our good traits, praise the qualities and acts we want to see more of. This validates us and makes us feel that inner light beam which will motivate us to keep going and trying!

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, earned a BA in Psychology and Religion, obtained an MA in East-West Psychology and is a certified professional life coach. He worked in educational settings for several years and currently has a practice called Noor Human Consulting. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship development, family dynamics and youth coaching. Visit noorhumanconsulting.com for more information.

“I see some differences between us that concern me. I see myself as a fairly traditional, conservative Muslim man as opposed to a liberal Muslim.” 

“I am impressed with your general Islamic knowledge. Is there a particular reason you’ve chosen more liberal approaches?”

“So, I think we’re on very different wavelengths of religion (you being on the conservative end). Hence, I am not sure how comfortable we would be with each other. I guess I am quite liberal…” 

“I believe that much of what you are looking for in a man is something I aspire for, or more appropriately wish for, but currently do not have… But I wanted to say that I respect you for being so clear on who you are and what you’re looking for in a partner. If I could do that, I think I’d be in a much better place.”

“You want to stay single for the rest of your life?”

Above are some of the things Muslim men whom I have met online or through introductions by friends have written to me.

I sometimes feel so drained from being put in boxes by others and putting myself in boxes.

Liberal. Conservative. Open-minded. Religious. Hipster. Student of knowledge. Artist. Hijabi. Environmentalist. Family-oriented. Outspoken. Writer. Non-traditional. Feminist.

Boxes. Too many boxes! Am I permitted to step out and define myself outside of these boxes?

—————————————

Like many, I had my life roughly planned out when I graduated college two years ago. Unlike most feminists who went to my women’s college, I thought I was “wicked smaaht!” for getting my priorities right so early on in life: I wanted to get married.

Living thousands of miles away from home as an international student and being financially independent from my family during my college career, I learned the importance of having a home. I wanted to create a home in the U.S. This is where I found both my identity and Islam, the main reason why America was closer to my heart than my homeland, Pakistan. The U.S. is where I would settle down to raise a family because back home, women did not attend mosques. Forget being “unmosqued”; most have never been “mosqued” even once during their entire lifetime. I wanted to stay back because I did not want to lose touch with the houses of God, nor did I want my future daughters to not experience what had taken me so long to discover.

So, I would move to a big Muslim community (in my case, Boston), fall in love, get married and have a home. I would figure out grad school and other things later because family came first. I thought that a partner in marriage in my early 20’s would make my life emotionally, financially and physically easier—giving me the chance to enhance my talents and better serve the community with the support of a significant other.

WRONG!

Yes, I moved to Boston, and yes, I fell in love right after, too. But it did not result in marriage. A broken heart and shattered spirits? Yes. A home? No.

Instead, I got placed in more new boxes than I could handle. Loud. Sensitive. Open. Immodest. Talkative. Obnoxious.

I became depressed. I could not understand what made me keep falling for the wrong men. I wondered if perhaps there was something genuinely wrong with me that caused the puzzle of my life to always fall apart right when it was about to come together. I took premarital counseling, spoke to aunties personally about the fact that I was “looking” (honestly it was one of the hardest things to do), made marriage resumes that I passed along to my contacts, and registered myself on a gazillion matrimonial websites—all because of my determination to find “the one.”

Unfortunately, the boxes my friends and I used to define me did not quite work. Based on my involvement in the community, people from the masjid introduced me to traditional-minded men with whom I was a misfit because of the independent life I lived. On the other hand, men online dismissed me for being too religious because of my hijab and Islamic endeavors.

As a result, I found myself shedding unnecessary tears as every rejection came down as a hard and personal blow. Why was God doing this to me especially when I was trying so hard? Did He not see that I was not only praying to Him but also tying my camel ((Anas (radi Allahu `anhu—may Allah be pleased with him) reported that a person asked the Messenger of God ﷺ, “Should I tie my camel and have tawakkul (trust in God for its protection), or should I leave it untied and have tawakkul?” The Messenger of God ﷺ replied, “Tie it and (then) have tawakkul.” (Hasan) [Jami At-Tirmidhi])) over and over again by taking practical steps towards the goal I had set for myself?

Amidst the chaos of my failed marriage endeavors and a career I no longer saw myself in, I became lost and confused about the direction of my life. My friends started calling me “desperate” and my loneliness became excruciatingly painful with the addition of this new box in my life. It hurt the most because it came from those who claimed to love me. The physically comfortable life that had taken years to build was of no avail, because really I had no peace of mind.

—————————————

I was blessed to have the opportunity to perform `umrah, the minor pilgrimage to Mecca, last winter under the leadership of my mosque’s imam. Before we left the U.S., he told me, “It’s been a tough year for you. Just forgive yourself and those who have hurt you, and use this trip to clean your heart and sincerely connect with God.”

Alas! It was through those full-of-tears, head-on-the-marble-floor prayers that I regained the peace I had misplaced since the day I began placing myself in boxes according to people’s expectations of me. I forgot that along the way to find “the one,” I had forgotten The One. The One who elevated a woman, Mary (`alayha as-salaam—peace be upon her), without a man through the powerful words of the Qur’an:

“…and the male is not like the female…” (Qur’an, 3:36)

He honored her by acknowledging:

“So her Lord accepted her with good acceptance and caused her to grow in a good manner and put her in the care of Zechariah. Every time Zechariah entered upon her in the prayer chamber, he found her with provision. He said, ‘O Mary, from where is this [coming] to you?’ She said, ‘It is from Allah. Indeed, Allah provides for whom He wills without account.’” (Qur’an, 3:37)

Upon hearing the above ayaat (verses) in one of the prayers, I broke down in heavy sobs. Why was I placing my value in relation to a marriage all this time? While tying my camel* in the pursuit of “the one,” had I forgotten to lay my trust in The One in the first place? The One, the Ultimate Sustainer, who provided sustenance for Mary (as) in response to her devotion, sincerity and trust in Him and Him alone. God even gave her a child and eventually a family of her own, all due to her individual relationship and status with Him. What was I doing to improve my relationship with God? Was I doing anything?

—————————————

My experience finding “love” taught me—unfortunately the hard way—that there is truth in being happy with one’s own single self before hopping onto life’s roller-coaster with another person. I realized that if I needed a husband even an iota close to the caliber of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, I had to first work on becoming a Khadija (the Prophet’s first love and wife, radi Allahu `anha—may Allah be pleased with her) myself.

And that’s when I gained the strength to take a leap of faith and seek The One before I sought “the one.”

The day before I moved to Texas to immerse myself in Qur’anic Arabic, a dear friend in Boston said,

“There’s someone waiting on the other end for the person you are about to become.”

I had tied my camel enough times and it was finally the time to act on the last step of tawakkul (trust in God).

And just like that, I walked away.

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

By Anonymous

Many of us only hear destructive marriage stories within the Muslim community. The constant flow of negative narratives can cause many to cringe and fear marriage. However, the reality is that there are so many incredible, beautiful, passionate, fulfilling and compassionate love stories in the Muslim community. In this mini-series, we hope to shed light on the beauty that exists in many Muslim marriages.

Here is just one glimpse of a Muslim couple who truly appreciate the small gestures of love between them. I’ll let the wife tell her story:

“Every morning, my husband gets up, goes and prays fajr (morning prayer) in the masjid, comes home, gets ready for work, and then we have a special goodbye hug before he leaves for the day. That hug energizes both of us for the day and we know it is a very special moment.

This morning, I had not realized that the time for fajr at the masjid changed and it was later than usual. So while I was praying fajr and my husband was getting ready to leave, it didn’t occur to me that he would not be coming home after the masjid because he would already be prepared to go to work. He left while I was still praying fajr and when I finished my prayer and my supplication, I realized he had already taken his lunch. That meant he was not coming back this morning, which meant we would not have our special goodbye hug. I wallowed in sadness and missing him. We’ve been married for many years, but I still miss him when we are apart for just an hour… You can imagine how hard it is when we’re apart the entire workday! And no, I don’t sit around all day just waiting for him to return. I have a very busy work schedule. But that doesn’t mean I’m not counting down hours until we’re together again at the end of the day.

As I sat reminding myself to be grateful that my husband is alive and healthy and well, scolding myself for being such a spoiled brat that I would wallow in self-pity simply for missing a hug while so many lose their loved ones and never have the opportunity to see them again in this life, I got a call from my husband. I realized he must have finished praying fajr at the masjid and I was ecstatically ready to hear his voice.

After sharing our sorrow for missing our hug, he told me, ‘Well, guess what? I have to come home because I forgot something!’

I was elated! God had caused him to forget something! That meant we would have another chance to share our special morning moment!

When he came in, we gave each other the biggest goodbye hug ever. I teasingly asked, ‘Was what you forgot here our goodbye hug?’ He laughed and replied, ‘Yup!’

And then I stopped and stared into his face, shocked. ‘That’s what you forgot here? That’s really what you forgot? That’s the reason you came back instead of going straight to work?!’

He wrapped his arms around me and replied, ‘I forgot our hug! I couldn’t start the morning without it!’”

—

If a hug is worth grieving over when missed, then think about how much greater every other aspect of the relationship must be when both spouses work to make every encounter one filled with love and compassion.

True love exists. It does exist in Muslim families. It might even be your story now or in the future. Your relationship may be difficult, it may now be over, or it may not yet have begun. When that relationship exists, you may not be able to drive back home for a hug, there may be many barriers to you spending time together or seeing each other or working on increasing your love for one another. But it may be possible for you to find a common, small gesture of love which you can incorporate in your lives, which inculcates the way you want to feel for one another, and through it, God willing, your motivation of working for the zest in your relationship may flourish.

*If you would like to anonymously share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email info@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss. 

By Humaira Khan

A Short Story

She hated him when they had disagreements. Adil was a great husband and father—most of the time. He was caring and loving and he helped her with her household chores. He loved the children—he fed them, woke up in the middle of the night to help her put the little one to sleep, and changed their diapers. But sometimes he could be extremely unreasonable and would lose his temper at the slightest provocation.

Like tonight.

Earlier in the evening, she had been running late to get dinner ready because the children were not giving her a break; they were all irritable. She wished Adil would help watch them so that she could get the cooking done, but he was on the phone.

“Okay, enough out of you two!” she said out loud, hoping Adil would hear her.

But five whole minutes passed and he didn’t come.

She found herself getting more and more frustrated. Why wasn’t he coming? How was she supposed to handle two crying children AND cook the food?!

A few minutes later, Adil strolled into the living room.

“That was Abdullah. He is in the area and wanted to know if I could go to the masjid with him for Maghrib ((the prayer after sunset)) and play cricket afterwards. What do you think?”

“Whatever you want,” said Aisha, as she tried to clean up the mess in the living room. The children had quieted down and were busy eating sandwiches.

“Are you sure?” Adil didn’t seem to notice that she didn’t exactly approve of the plan.

“Yeah,” she said, carefully avoiding eye contact with him.

“Okay, but call me if you need anything.”

“What about dinner?”

“I’ll eat when I come back insha’Allah ((God willing)) !”

His smile was dazzling. Countless times, she had gazed at him as he smiled and thought how lucky she was to have a man like him. But this was not one of those moments.

His phone started ringing. It was Abdullah again.

“You sure you will be okay?” Adil asked Aisha.

She nodded.

He hugged them all and left with Abdullah.

Three hours later, Aisha was exhausted. The children had taken forever to sleep and she hadn’t had a break since morning. When Adil came home, she didn’t even feel like talking to him. When he tried to get her to tell him why she was upset, her reply was short and curt. Adil was furious! Why had she let him go with Abdullah in the first place if she didn’t want him to?!

A huge argument followed and Adil stormed out of the room! Aisha was seething in anger. How she hated him!

She sat rocking furiously back and forth on the glider, angry thoughts racing through her head.

How she ended up thinking of Mariam just then, she didn’t know. But her mind went back to a conversation with her best friend almost twenty years ago.

She had been sitting alone on the bench in the college courtyard, brooding, when she was startled by someone’s hand on her shoulder.

She swung around only to come face to face with Mariam. In her, Aisha had found the only person who understood her.

Mariam sat down next to her.

“Why are you sitting all alone over here, Aisha?”

“Nothing. Same old story.”

“Oh. What happened?”

“Just this girl I thought I was getting along really well with. She said something I didn’t like.”

Mariam waited for her to continue. She knew better than to interrupt when Aisha was agitated.

“I don’t understand why these things happen to me, Mariam! I mean, what did I ever do to all these people that they feel they need to be mean to me!”

“Well, what did that girl say to you?”

“I don’t remember exactly, but something about how she didn’t know I was out of town last week. She said she didn’t realize I wasn’t around because she never sees me outside of the classroom or at any events here anyway, and that it was only when someone else mentioned that I had gone to California to visit my sick aunt, that she found out I was away!”

“Poor choice of words, I agree, but—”

Aisha interrupted her: “Well, who is she to go around drawing conclusions about someone she doesn’t know! What does she know about what events I like or don’t like to attend! I wish I could think of the right thing to say when it’s needed and not later when the moment’s gone!”

“So what would you have liked to say to her?”

“I would have told her the truth, of course! That I attend all the events or parties that I am invited to. But that I cannot be there at events I haven’t received an invitation for.”

She was biting her lip.

“But why is that so important for you to clarify?” Mariam asked gently.

Aisha looked up. What was Mariam saying? Her own confused look met Mariam’s steady gaze.

“Why shouldn’t it be important?” she said, almost defensively.

“What I am asking is why do you think correcting someone’s opinion about you is so important? Do you think you can tell me in concrete terms why some acquaintance’s incorrect opinion of you is bothering you so much?”

Aisha was silent. Mariam’s question was important. Why WAS it bothering her so much? And why was she so bent on correcting it?

“I guess I want people to not misunderstand me and not make a monster out of me when I’m really not one?” Her answer wasn’t making much sense to herself either. When stated plainly, it really didn’t seem like it had been that big of an issue to begin with!

“Exactly!” Mariam’s response was a second too fast.

Aisha smiled inadvertently. “You know something I don’t, right?” she said, somewhat relieved to find herself smiling in this situation.

“How many times did you just use the words “I” or “me” in that last sentence?”

“What does that have to do with anything?!” She wished Mariam wouldn’t speak in riddles!

“Does someone else’s bad opinion of you make you a bad person? Obviously not, right? So why should that opinion be so important that it assumes center stage in your life? People have the option to find out the truth, be polite, not jump to conclusions about others but they also have the option not to. What they choose defines who THEY are, not who YOU are.”

Aisha had a look of admiration on her face. Mariam truly had the gift of eloquence!

Mariam continued: “But even that’s not what I am trying to point out to you. Sometimes we have problems not because others are judging us or misunderstanding us but because we are so focused on ourselves that everything else is diminutive in comparison. We then become more important to ourselves than even Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) and that’s where our problems begin.

“So, for example, when someone gives us an odd look, we want to know why and spend hours in agony trying to find out what’s wrong. Or when somebody disagrees with us, we find ourselves infuriated. Or when our mom tells us to do something when we are busy, we get frustrated because we, our work, our time, is more important than everything else! And when we are more important to ourselves than anybody else, our relationships are affected too, by the way we respond to what others say and do. What they say or do is not judged by its own merit, but in terms of how they say or do those things TO US! Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Aisha said slowly. She was staring past Mariam at some distant point, her brow wrinkled as she let that explanation sink in. Mariam was right. Aisha realized she did judge everything and everyone in terms of how those things or those people affected her. But wasn’t that how everyone else saw things too? What other point-of-view could she see things from, if not her own?

Mariam said: “I struggle with this self-centeredness, too, you know. All the time! I have to constantly remind myself!”

It seemed incredulous to Aisha that Mariam, whose understanding of the issue seemed so clear, could be struggling with it as she said.

But Mariam was speaking again: “Yes, that’s right. I struggle with this all the time! Every time I find myself getting frustrated, I know my focus is me! I know then that I need to stop making myself the center of the universe!”

“But I don’t understand! If you don’t let yourself judge things based on how they affect you, wouldn’t you be leaving yourself vulnerable to oppression?” Aisha finally managed to convey her confusion in concrete terms.

“Actually, if you are not so focused on yourself, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and deal with them more sensibly than if all you can see is you!”

Mariam’s explanation made complete sense.

It had been twenty years since she had had that conversation yet she hadn’t forgotten it. Like Mariam, she too found herself struggling to live it. Every time she found herself getting angry at her children, or mad at her husband, or frustrated with people in general, she realized that it was time for her to remind herself to stop focusing only on herself.

If her son wanted to go the bathroom one more time or her daughter wanted her to play with her just as she was trying to get dinner ready, was it their fault? If she was getting frustrated, it was because she was thinking, “Why can’t they let me do what I want to do at this time?!”

If her husband went to sleep early one day in a month because he had had a tiring day at work, she would be angry with him. “Is my day not tiring?” she would think.

If her mother-in-law didn’t appreciate her, she would be depressed and unhappy. “Why doesn’t she see my good qualities?” would be the thought in her head.

Of course this wasn’t just the case when things weren’t going well. She realized that she was happy when people praised her or spoke nicely to her. It didn’t matter whether they were right or wrong about her then; the only thing that mattered was their approval.

Mariam had been right. It was when her “self” assumed central importance in her own life, over and above everything and everyone else, that her problems really began.

Aisha took a deep breath. She realized that the issue could have been better resolved had her entire focus not been on herself alone, even if her husband’s had been on himself. If only she had let it go at that moment and not made it a matter of ego, saying, “How dare he do / say this to me!”

If she had not lost her temper then, he would have felt bad at his own conduct. And when things had calmed down, she would have had every opportunity to let him know how she felt when he had raised his voice at her. Who could he have blamed then, except himself?

Slowly, she rose from her chair. She knew what she had to do but she hesitated. Apologizing was not about lowering oneself, as she had once thought, but about admitting one’s mistake. And she had made a mistake.

It was time to repair her relationships.

She walked to the door, hesitated again, but then bravely left her room to find Adil. If he had been unreasonable, she had been unreasonable too.

Somebody needed to take that first step to put an end to such situations. And the first to do so would earn the most reward, she thought.

Besides, their relationship was worth saving. Little issues like this could assume larger-than-life proportions if not dealt with sensibly, and she didn’t want such things to stand between her and Adil.

She was sure he was sitting in the living room staring into space. She paused in the hallway as she caught sight of him doing just that. A smile escaped her. He was a good man. Sometimes she couldn’t understand how she could be so upset with him.

She glanced at the mirror hanging on the wall next to her but a thought struck her as she looked. For the next few seconds, she stared at her own reflection, thinking that this was the person who was at the center of her little universe. It didn’t seem right.

She looked towards Adil again and was surprised to find him looking at her. As she walked towards him, he stood up. Leading her by the hand, he made her sit next to him on the sofa.

Before she could say anything though, he looked straight at her and said, “I’m sorry, Aisha. I should not have spoken to you like that.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Aisha’s eyes were full of tears.

She had to explain to him how she felt and he was ready to listen, all night if he had to.

Scholars have often noted that a Muslim should have an almost balanced level of fear and hope in Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Exalted is He), while their hope in Him should actually be more due to the hadith (narrations) of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him): “When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, ‘My Mercy overpowers My Anger.’” (Bukhari)

Yet despite this encouragement from scholars, many Muslims seem to ache from an unhealthy level of guilt and disapproval in themselves, and thus suffer from too little hope in Allah (swt). Subhan Allah, Glory be to God, the shaytan (devil) approaches us through extremes. He comes to some Muslims through the doors of complete negligence in order to prevent them from tawbah (repentance). Yet, he actually comes to others through their humility and tricks them into thinking that feeling excessively guilty all the time for their mistakes and shortcomings is an act of worship. When they accept this approach, it becomes a habit of their nafs (ego). Guilt becomes excessive and a tool against their iman (faith) when it actually prevents a person from real tawbah, because they feel their sins are too heavy, or too oft-repeated, and there is little hope for them to get better. They dread going back to Allah (swt) because they are overwhelmed by shame. They may even ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness but deep down, they feel they are not worthy of it and they begin to doubt themselves in everything they do, and doubt Allah’s Love for them, and sometimes give up and indulge even more in sins because of their feeling of hopelessness.

There are a number of mistakes in this approach. First, the word ‘tawbah’ does not mean excessive guilt nor does it mean despising oneself. Tawbah is translated to mean ‘repentance’ but comes from the Arabic root which means “to return to.” This is the same root as the Beautiful Name of Allah al-Tawwaab. So the one making tawbah is simply returning to Allah (swt) while He is Oft-Returning to them in His infinite Mercy.

The second mistake is when the Muslim creates a lot of fiction around their mistakes making them bigger than they actually are, accusing themselves of much worse than what was actually done. They lack having mercy on their own selves in an effort to be sincere, but in doing so actually make it harder for themselves to turn back to Allah (swt) as they lose hope. Another form of fiction created around guilt is when the person feels guilty about something which Allah (swt) will not ask them about. It isn’t a sin or shortcoming of theirs in the first place, but they feel responsible and guilty. Allah (swt) is Greater than His needing His servants to torture themselves in this way.

The third mistake is even if the sin was something bigger in nature, the guilty person who wants to return to Allah (swt) should focus on Allah’s Greatness and not the size of their sin. Now this is an interesting point to reflect on. Those whom the shaytan tries to reach through negligence are advised by our predecessors, “Don’t think about the sin being minor, think about the Greatness of the One you are sinning against.” Similarly, those whom the shaytan tries to hinder through excessive guilt, must also be advised “Do not look at the size of the sin, but the Greatness of the One Who has promised His forgiveness.” To think that mistakes are simply too big or too repeated for the forgiveness of Allah (swt) is a form of doubting Allah (swt)’s infinite Mercy. It is a materialistic approach, subconsciously limiting His Forgiveness to the human constructs of forgiveness we find in the world. The question is not “Will Allah forgive us?” The question is “Will we turn to Him?” The Forgiveness of al-Ghafur, al-Afuww, (the Forgiving, the Pardoner) is greater than anything we can imagine.

The fourth mistake is that Allah (swt) doesn’t want us to despise ourselves. He wants us to feel regret in disobeying Him, to turn back to Him seeking His forgiveness, to have the determination not to do it again, and if other people were harmed then to return their rights. These are the conditions of tawbah as outlined by Imam Nawawi in Riyadh al-Saliheen. The initial feeling of regret and guilt is simply the key to the whole process. One should not get stuck staring at the key, but use it to unlock the door of seeking forgiveness, and open the door with the determination of not going back, in order to walk into the room of redemption, the room of getting closer to Allah (swt) by returning to Him. It is hope in His Mercy that drives this process and moves a person from simply focusing on the key of regret to actually using it to propel oneself closer to Allah (swt).

One of the signs that a person carries disapproval of themselves is when they need or seek attention or approval from others in order to feel good. Even acting arrogantly can actually be a sign of personal insecurity rooted in unhealthy guilt. It’s amazing to think how a disease that enters through an extreme approach to humility (excessive guilt and despair) actually can lead to its opposite extreme in arrogance. Whatever the guilt is rooted in must be confronted, allowing the person to take their lessons, mend their ways and move forward. When it comes to repenting from harmful addictions, part of one’s determination to not return to the sin should include seeking the help of a counselor or therapist. Real tawbah is not about getting stuck in an endless cycle of excessive guilt and returning to sin. Ibn Al-Qayyim mentioned in Jawab al-Kafi a line in which the excessively guilty person describes his diseased state, “I drank a cup to taste its pleasure then drank another to heal its pain.”

As Ramadan is the opportune month to purify ourselves from our diseases, I wanted to compile a list of Quranic verses, ahadith, and sayings that remind us how Allah (swt) welcomes our returning to Him, our true tawbah. He (swt) is repeatedly assuring us of His Mercy and Forgiveness, not asking us to despise ourselves. Tawbah is about removing the sin from one’s path in order to draw even closer to Allah (swt) than before. Every sinful mistake is an opportunity and a signal that it is time to grow in our relationship with Allah (swt); and as we turn to Him walking, He turns to us rushing. Tawbah as such is an act of redemption and elevation, not despair:

1. “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” (Qur’an 39:53)

2. “Except those who repent and correct themselves and make evident [what they concealed]. Those – I will accept their repentance, and I am the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an 2:160)

3. “But whoever repents after his wrongdoing and reforms, indeed, Allah will turn to him in forgiveness. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 5:39)

4. “[…] Then He turned to them so they could repent. Indeed, Allah is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” (Qur’an 9:118)

5. “[O Muhammad], inform My servants that it is I who am the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Qur’an 15:49)

6. “And [there are] others who have acknowledged their sins. They had mixed a righteous deed with another that was bad. Perhaps Allah will turn to them in forgiveness. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 9:102)

7. “Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. […]” (Qur’an 53:32)

8. “[…] indeed He is ever, to the often returning [to Him], Forgiving.” (Qur’an 17:25)

9. “And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself but then seeks forgiveness of Allah will find Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 4:110)

10. “[…] And seek forgiveness of Allah. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 73:20)

11. “[…] Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.” (Qur’an 12:87)

12. “And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. […]” (Qur’an 2:186)

13. “O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance. Perhaps your Lord will remove from you your misdeeds and admit you into gardens beneath which rivers flow [on] the Day when Allah will not disgrace the Prophet and those who believed with him. Their light will proceed before them and on their right; they will say, “Our Lord, perfect for us our light and forgive us. Indeed, You are over all things competent.” (Qur’an 66:8)

14. “And those who, when they commit an immorality or wrong themselves [by transgression], remember Allah and seek forgiveness for their sins – and who can forgive sins except Allah? […]” (Quran 3:135)

15. “[…] Indeed, good deeds do away with misdeeds. That is a reminder for those who remember.” (Qur’an 11:114)

16. “Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 25:70)

17. “And it is He who accepts repentance from his servants and pardons misdeeds, and He knows what you do.” (Qur’an 42:25)

18. On the authority of Anas radi allahu `anhu (may Allah be please with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ say: “Allah the Almighty has said: ‘O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, and hope in Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds in the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I shall forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with an earthful of sins and were you then to face Me, without having associated anything with Me, I shall grant you an earthful of pardon.’” (Tirmidhi)

19. On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (ra) the Prophet ﷺ said, from among the things he reports from his Lord (swt), is that He said: “A servant [of Allah’s] committed a sin and said: ‘O Allah, forgive me my sin.’ And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: ‘My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them.’ Then he sinned again and said: ‘O Lord, forgive me my sin.’ And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: ‘My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them.’ Then he sinned again and said: ‘O Lord, forgive me my sin.’ And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: ‘My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for sins. Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you.’” (Bukhari and Muslim)

20. On the authority of Ibn Abbas (ra) the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said among the sayings he relates from his Lord is: “Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones.” Then he explained it [by saying that]: “He who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

21. Abdullah ibn Omar (ra) says that the Prophet ﷺ said: “Allah accepts the repentance of His servant as long as he does not croak (on his deathbed).” (Tirmidhi)

22. Anas ibn Malik (ra) says that the Prophet ﷺ said: “When a servant of Allah returns to Him and repents, Allah is happier than a traveler who loses his mount which has all his belongings and provisions on it and then resorts to the shade of tree after losing all hope only to wake up and find his mount staring in his face, and then out of joy and happiness erroneously says: ‘Allah You are my servant and I your Lord.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

23. Narrated Abu Huraira (ra): I heard Allah’s Messenger ﷺ saying, “The good deeds of any person will not make him enter Paradise.” They (the Prophet’s companions) said, ‘Not even you, O Allah’s Apostle?’ He said, “Not even myself, unless Allah bestows His favor and Mercy on me.” So be moderate in your religious deeds and do the deeds that are within your ability: and none of you should wish for death, for if he is a good doer, he may increase his good deeds, and if he is an evil doer, he may repent to Allah.” (Bukhari)

24. The Prophet ﷺ said,”Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent.” (At-Tirmidhi)

25. He ﷺ also said: “I swear by Him in whose hand is my soul, if you were a people who did not commit sin, Allah would take you away and replace you with a people who would sin and then seek Allah’s forgiveness so He could forgive them.” (Muslim)

26. On the authority of Ibn Abbas (ra) that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Allah has pardoned for me my people for [their] mistakes and [their] forgetfulness and for what they have done under duress.” (ibn Majah, Baihaqi and others)

27. The Prophet ﷺ said to Mu’adh bin Jabal (ra), “Shall I not show you the gates of goodness? Fasting is a shield, charity extinguishes sin as water extinguishes fire; and the praying of a man in the depth of night.” Then he recited: “Who forsake their beds to cry unto their Lord in fear and hope, and spend of that We have bestowed on them. No soul knoweth what is kept hid for them of joy, as a reward for what they used to do.” (Qur’an 32:16-17) (Tirmidhi)

28. Ali (ra) said, “The sin which makes you sad and repentant is more liked by Allah than the good deed which turns you arrogant.”

29. A man asked Abdullah ibn Masood (ra) about repenting from a sin which he wanted to commit but did not commit it. Abdullah (ra) turned away from the man and then turned towards him with his eyes weeping and said: “Paradise has eight entrances, all of which open and shut except the entrance of tawbah. This entrance has an angel guarding it so that it does not shut. So repent and do not despair.”

30. Saeed ibn Musayib (ra) said, “Allah will change the bad deeds of those who repent and convert them into good deeds (on the Scales) on the Day of Judgment. Repentance is itself a good deed. So the sinner changes his sins into good deeds.” (Madarij al-Salikeen)

Subhan Allah, if Allah (swt) will forgive you, who are you not to forgive yourself? If He loves you and has mercy on you, who are you not to love yourself and be merciful with yourself? Finally, as is my sunnah in such articles, I also wanted to leave some narrations on a different thought. These are connected in that they show us the general theme that Allah (swt) is much Greater than His needing us to harm and torture ourselves. Actually, He doesn’t want those things from us at all. He wants us to elevate ourselves in our relationship with Him. Just as we don’t need to beat ourselves up for real tawbah, we also don’t need to harm ourselves in order to worship Him best this Ramadan. Let us push ourselves insha Allah, God willing, in a way that keeps us consistent in turning to Him and worshipping Him (swt).

5 Reasons not to Torture Ourselves!

1. Anas ibn Malik (ra) reports: “The Prophet ﷺ came one day into the mosque and found a rope stretched between two pillars. He asked what the rope was for. He was told that it was put up for Zainab, so that she would hold on to it during her prayer when she felt too tired. The Prophet said: ‘No. Take it off. Let everyone pray when they feel fresh and comfortable. When they feel tired, they should sit down.’” (Bukhari)

2. Narrated `A’isha (ra): The Prophet ﷺ used to say, “Do those deeds which you can do easily, as Allah will not get tired (of giving rewards) till you get bored and tired (of performing religious deeds).” The most beloved prayer to the Prophet was the one that was done regularly even if it were little. And whenever the Prophet offered a prayer he used to offer it regularly.  (Bukhari)

3. Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr: Allah’s Messenger ﷺ was informed that I had taken an oath to fast daily and to pray all through the night throughout my life. I replied, “Let my parents be sacrificed for you! I said so.” The Prophet ﷺ said, “You cannot do that. So, fast for few days and give it up for few days, pray and sleep. Fast three days a month as the reward of good deeds is multiplied ten times and that will be equal to one year of fasting.” I replied, “I can do better than that.” The Prophet ﷺ said to me, “Fast one day and give up fasting for a day and that is the fasting of Prophet David and that is the best fasting.” I said, “I have the power to fast better (more) than that.” The Prophet ﷺ said, “There is no better fasting than that.” (Bukhari)

4. Narrated Mujahid from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr: The Prophet ﷺ said, “Fast three days a month.” ‘Abdullah said, “I am able to fast more than that.” They kept on arguing on this matter till the Prophet said, “Fast on alternate days, and recite the whole Qur’an once a month.” ‘Abdullah said, “I can recite more,” and the argument went on till the Prophet ﷺ said, “Recite the Qur’an once each three days.” (Bukhari)

5. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Make matters easy and do not make them difficult, give glad tidings and do not make people averse.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”

As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) taught us: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.

Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.

Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:

1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.”

Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.

2. “I will take care of myself.”

Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.

3. “I am not a perfect mother.”

Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.

4. “I will make my marriage a priority.”

Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.

5. “I will value my friendships.”

Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.

6. “I will prioritize family dinners.”

Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish.

Question: My husband used to drink alcohol, and I am someone who prays alhamdulillah (praise be to Allah). I was very concerned and unsure of what to do, so I lied to him, and I hope that Allah forgives me. I told him: ‘I dreamt of a Shaykh, and he told me that my husband has to stop drinking, or else such and such (bad) will happen.’ When I told him in the morning, he believed me. He made ablution alhamdulillah, and started praying. I still feel uneasy because I lied to my husband, but alhamdulillah he prays now, and has not missed a single prayer ever since. I hope you can benefit me, and pray that Allah forgives me for this lie.

Answer: What [you] did is not considered lying because it’s permissible to use these types of allegories to rectify certain wrongs. This is an allegory because what you told him is, in reality, agreed upon amongst Muslims. So, you made him understand something that was not based on an actual occurrence, but its general meaning does exist.

This is considered figurative lying, and it is permissible (only) in war, in reconciling between people, and in reconciling between husbands and wives. It is also permissible if the husband wants to please his wife, as with telling her she is the most beautiful of women – even if that’s not so! This is not actual lying, but it takes the form of lying; and although it contradicts reality, it is still not considered lying because it brings about greater good. That is why Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Exalted and All-Mighty) blessed your words, and made this blessing lead to the guidance of your husband, and made him fully convinced by what you said. You should feel content because, insha’Allah (by the will of Allah), you are not sinful.

Translated from Fatawa’l-Nisa’, p. 301.

You see, the elusive ‘cool’ concept that no one really knows how to define, but everyone knows what it is, is a very universal one. What is considered cool might be different from one country to another, but being cool is something that every teenager aspires to be. So my social survival instinct kicked in – I needed to be perceived as cool. I, and every other nerd, wanted to be like those “men” who were perceived to be the epitome of defiance and rebellion against the social norm. Their nonchalant attitude towards school, their careless disregard to a curfew, the way they dressed, and how they played soccer, were all mysteriously intriguing and I wanted to be just like them.

One day, I found my way into the impenetrable fort of ‘cool’: my ticket in was through my friend and neighbor, who shared a ride to school with me, but did not share the same pool of friends. He was a smoker and so was everyone else in the cool crowd. With minimal convincing, I started smoking my first cigarette, and before long I was in. From that day on, I lived my high school years as a nerd incognito, hiding behind a cigarette.

This desire to be cool is not specific to one’s teen years. Human beings are social by nature. We look for a group that we can identify with; we seek to fit in.  From high school to college I transitioned through phases and groups, and have done things I am not proud of. Every time I look back and reflect on those years I find that my mistake was always in the company I kept. The Prophet ﷺ said:

“The example of a good companion and that of a bad one is like the one who [sells] musk and [an iron smith]. The one who sells the musk will either give you some or you will at least get some of his good smell on you. As for the [iron smith], he will either burn your clothes or you will get some of his stench.” (Bukhari)

Subhan’Allah, I remembered that hadith as a kid, but I never paid attention to the advice that lies within it. It is crucial whose company we choose. Peer pressure, although often painted in a negative light, can work both ways. Just as surrounding myself with those “cool” kids led me to smoking, surrounding myself now with people who frequent the masjid has helped me quit. Alhamdulillah, I have learned from my past experiences and I have made, and continue to make, a conscientious effort of whom to befriend. Now when I am not at the masjid for a couple of days, there is a phone call or an email wondering where I’ve been. When I am at the masjid, and one person gets up to pray sunnah, everyone else follows suit.

Allah (swt), who knows His creation best, says

“And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect.” (Qur’an, 18:28)

That advice was given to the Prophet ﷺ whom Allah has described as having the most virtuous of manners:

“And indeed, you are of a great moral character.” (Qur’an, 68:4)

He was masoom (protected from committing sins) and absolutely resolute and steadfast with his religion yet Allah advises him here to surround himself by “those who call upon their Lord.” Why? Because the company we keep is vital in achieving our ultimate goal of pleasing Allah (subhana wa ta`ala – glory be unto Him) and entering His Jannah.

If we are selective in whom we befriend and choose to be in the company of those who love Allah (swt) then our love for Allah (swt) will strengthen. We rely on our peers and they rely on us, and together we build upon each other to elevate ourselves to the best of rewards and the highest of honors – Allah’s love.

“Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection.” (Qur’an, 19:96)

This verse is further explained in Tafsir al-Jalalayn, “Truly those who believe and perform righteous deeds — for them the Compassionate One shall appoint love, between them, so that they have mutual love and affection, and God, exalted be He, will love them.”

When Allah (swt) loves you, everyone else loves you:

The Prophet ﷺ has said: “If Allah loves a person He calls upon Gabriel and says to him that I love this person so love him. Gabriel in turn loves that person and then calls in the skies that Allah loves this person so love him and the people of the skies (the angels) will love him.”

Imagine that! Allah, Gabriel and all the angels will love you. Now that is cool!

When my father was in the hospital earlier this year, a friend of mine gave him a book titled Tuesdays with Morrie as a gift. I immediately wanted to grab it and read it but thought I would wait until the owner of the book got a chance to read it first. After seeing it sitting on my father’s desk for about two months, my desires got the best of me and I dived head first into the text, only to get entranced by its sheer wisdom and practical life lessons.

Tuesdays with Morrie is a book about a dying man giving his last class to a single student. He had always been a great teacher, caring not about grades but about knowledge. He encouraged his students to live what they learned rather than acquire book knowledge that would get them nowhere. After being diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, or ALS, Morrie had to learn to live as a dying man (which is the reality of all human beings and not just the terminally ill). Rather than sulk in his own misery, Morrie decided to make death his final project, the center point of his days. He walked that final bridge between life and death and narrated the trip. It is from his narrations and his wisdom that we can find great benefit. We all walk that bridge, but some of us choose to do it blindfolded. Through this article and others to come, I hope to shine some Islamic light on what are now known as “Morrie’s Aphorisms” so that we all may benefit.

1. Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others

There almost always is a moment in our past that we wish we could simply erase. We wish that the act that we did or the act that someone else did just never occurred. We spend our time dwelling on what we should not have done and what other people should not have done, and we forget to actually live life right now. One of the most amazing examples is the story of when Abu Bakr radi Allahu `anhu (may Allah be pleased with him) forgave his maternal cousin Mistah, who had slandered his daughter, and our mother, Aishah radi Allahu `anha (may Allah be pleased with her). Mistah was extremely poor, so Abu Bakr (ra) regularly provided him with money due to his involvement in the Battle of Badr. Had this been any strange man from the community, the wound inflicted upon Abu Bakr (ra) may have been less, but the fact that it was Mistah who slandered his daughter, a relative and someone whom Abu Bakr (ra) cared for, only made matters worse. Initially, out of anger for the lies Mistah had spread, Abu Bakr (ra) swore to stop providing for him. After all that he had done for his cousin, Mistah betrayed his trust and betrayed his daughter. Allah then revealed the verse:

“And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah, and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (Qur’an, 24:22).

After hearing this ayah (verse), Abu Bakr immediately said ““Indeed I would love that God forgive me,” and he went back to giving Mistah the provisions he needed.

Sometimes, however, the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. When we commit a mistake, by no means should we take it lightly. The immediate reaction to a mistake is to seek forgiveness from Allah and from the one whom we wronged. Often times the person we wrong is none other than ourselves. If each time we commit a sin we hold a grudge against ourselves, degrading ourselves in our minds, then we will only dive deeper into the ocean of sin. Al-Hassan Al-Basri said, ““The World is three days: as for yesterday, it has vanished, along with all that was in it. As for tomorrow, you may never see it. As for today, it is yours, so work in it.”” If we spend today thinking about what we could have done better yesterday, then we will never improve our lives rather only dwell in our iniquities. We should do our best to repent, extract lessons from our actions, and then move on to achieve bigger and better things. This brings us to one of Morrie’s next aphorisms:

2. Accept what you are able to do and what you are not able to do

In John Maxwell’s book Developing the Leader within You, he mentions an important point in his chapter on problem solving. The point that he tries to make is that “people need to change their perspectives, not their problems.” Just like Maxwell, Morrie realized that this point in and of itself can either build a wall between a person and success or open a path. If we dwell on the things that we cannot change, we may be throwing ourselves headfirst into a pit of depression and stagnation. When we are faced with a problem, rather than thinking “”why me”” or ““this all just needs to go away”,” we need to immediately think “what can I do to succeed in this trial.” We need to have rida (contentment) with what Allah has decreed for us. For example, when one applies for a job and does no’t get it, rather than sulking in his own misery or thinking ““this was the solution to all my problems” one should reply with “”alhamdulilLah” (all praise is due to Allah)”. Perhaps the job would have been the means to his demise. Perhaps this job would have busied him from his deen (religion). And perhaps, there is something better waiting for him. Allah says in the Qur’an:

“Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not” (Qur’an, 2:216).

The fact of the matter is that we don’t know much. Allah has only granted us a tiny fraction of knowledge and with Him lies ultimate knowledge. He knows what is best for us today, tomorrow, and forever. It is He who determines our destiny, and we should remember this when we are hit with a problem. Rather than focusing on what we can’not do,we should focus on what we can do.

A beautiful example from the sunnah (example of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) that is supported by Morrie’s statement is the thirty-fourth hadith (saying of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) in An-Nawawi’’s 40 ahadeeth (plural of hadith):

“Whoever of you sees an evil must then change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then [he must change it] with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so then [he must change it] with his heart. And that is the slightest [effect] of faith.” [Muslim]

The key words that are repeated time and time again in this hadith are “fa ’in lam yastati (“if he is not able to do so).” To make things clear, the ability to do or not do has been broken down by the scholars into eight different categories. The following four are of these eight:

1. The person does not have knowledge to recognize whether or not the act he is witnessing is an evil.
   This person is not capable, due to lack of qualification, of stopping the act.
2. The person can remove the evil without any resultant evil, and he fears only verbal abuse.
   This person is fully capable of removing evil and he falls under the command of this hadith. Verbal abuse does not excuse him to move to the next level of changing with one’s tongue.
3. The person has the physical ability to act, but he believes that his actions will not result in removing or lessening the evil and expects that he will be harmed in the process.
   This person is considered not capable, and he moves to the next level of removing the evil by his tongue.
4. The person believes that he cannot stop the evil by acting, but he also fears no harm or resultant evil if he does act.
   This person is not completely capable. Some scholars say that he must still act, while others say that it is simply recommended.

From this we see that Islam differentiates between what we are capable of doing and what we are not capable of doing, what we are able to handle and what we are not able to handle, as well as what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. When we are faced with any challenge or task, we should take a moment and think about what we are capable of doing in the situation and focusing on that, while making du`a’ (supplication) to Allah to help us.

This idea is driven home in a conversation between two of the main characters in a children’s cartoon movie entitled Kung Fu Panda:

Oogway: My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, or you yours until you let go of the illusion of control.
Shifu: Illusion?
Oogway: Yes.
[Points at peach tree]
Oogway: Look at this tree, Shifu, I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time.
Shifu: But there are things we can control: I can control when the fruit will fall, I can control where to plant the seed: that is no illusion, Master!
Oogway: Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.

It may seem strange to see Islamic lessons derived from secular books and silly children’s’ cartoons, but as Muslims we should strive to find hikmah (wisdom) in every thing we come across. Never should we let a chance slip through which we could have benefited and created a change, even if it comes from childrens’ cartoon.

May Allah open our hearts to the forgiveness of ourselves and the forgiveness of others, may He give us clarity in our affairs to help us determine what we can and cannot do, and may He place in our hearts a trust upon Him that exceeds any other trust. Ameen (so be it).

Part I | Part II

The other day as I was leaving work, I overheard a woman talking on the phone. She was standing at the front of the bus talking loudly to her mother who was apparently upset about some comments her daughter had made to her earlier. The woman pleaded into the phone, “Ma, I didn’t mean for it to sound that way! Please don’t get offended. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Ma, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” This went on for about ten minutes while the rest of the passengers watched in sympathy. Finally, the conversation ended, and the woman turned to her friend and said, “She’s crying and getting all emotional. She just misunderstood me!”
You can probably relate, as you think of examples from your life. How often do you find yourself apologizing for a statement or comment that you made? Too often, what we say is not communicated well or heard effectively by the other side. Sometimes, we say things that can’t be taken back, and such negative interactions can overshadow all the positive ones in a relationship. Case in point: The girl on the bus had to apologize profusely for one statement she made that greatly upset her mother.

How many positives do you think it takes to balance one negative in a relationship?

The answer might surprise you.

Research studies actually reveal that in order to maintain a happy marriage, couples need to engage in 5 to 20 positive interactions for every negative one. (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993)

One negative = five to twenty positives.

This magical equation is not just for couples.  It can be applied in our relationships with family members, friends, classmates, colleagues, and others.

Two Needs in a Relationship

In any given relationship, we have two needs: to talk, and to be heard. We expect to be able to freely express how we feel. We also expect that both our positive and negative feelings will be heard and understood.

To maintain these positive interactions, it is important for us to share with others what we like and don’t like.  Generally, we tend to share more of our negative feelings than we do our positive ones since we often focus on the negatives over the positives.  We often tell others what we don’t like about them instead of what we do like.

Express Appreciation

It is not enough to be appreciative; we should express that appreciation.  We all like to know that we’ve made someone else happy. When we‘re praised, it’s more likely that we will do it again. Most of us, however, rarely express to others what we like or appreciate about them. What would happen if we actually shared that with the people around us?

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ advised us to express and show appreciation and gratitude. He ﷺ said “The one who does not give thanks for a small blessing will not give thanks for a great blessing, and the one who does not give thanks to people will not give thanks to Allah.” (Abi ad-Dunya)

Make it part of your daily routine to praise something about your loved one: maybe when he cooks a delicious meal or when she‘s been awake all night caring for the baby. This will only increase the positives in your relationships and make it easier to move beyond the negatives.

Share Concerns

It is also important to share our concerns instead of ignoring them.  Putting aside our disappointment and anger doesn’t make them disappear.  These feelings remain – brewing, festering, and waiting to explode during the next emotional spatter.  We need to be able to share our concerns constructively, and to have the other side hear us without making assumptions about our intentions.

How Do You Communicate?

Take a minute to reflect.

• Think about one thing you appreciate or admire about your mother, father, sibling, spouse, child, friend, colleague, or others.
• Think about one thing you don’t like or is concerning to you.

How would you express it to them?  Verbalize it. Is it easy to communicate?  How might they react?

Formula for Success: The XYZ Statement

Developed by PREP*, the XYZ Statement is a simple formula that will have a powerful effect on your relationships.  It’s a great way to ask for what you want and to encourage others to change because it includes information that can be implemented.

To communicate effectively, just follow this guideline the next time you want to express appreciation or share a concern:

• When you did X,
  • Describe the specific behavior. What was the one thing he/she did?

(This implies change can happen.)

• In situation Y,
  • Describe the specific situation or circumstances.

(It’s not everything that is a problem.)

• I felt Z.
  • Tell how you felt or were affected.

(Own your reaction.)

Good Examples of XYZ Statements

Ÿ  When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z).

Ÿ  When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z).

Ÿ  Thanks for babysitting the kids (XY). I feel so pampered (Z).

Ÿ  I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y).

Ÿ  When you showed up 15 minutes late (X) for our appointment with the imam (Y), I was very embarrassed (Z).

Bad Examples of XYS Statements

ŸWhen you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you are a slob.

Slob is not a feeling; it’s name-calling.  Instead of addressing the behavior that you dislike, you’re basically implying that it is part of their character and that they can’t change.

Alternative: It bothers me when you leave your dishes in the sink without washing them.

Ÿ You never listen to me when I talk.  You’re so inconsiderate.

Don’t over generalize and disregard the past.  Using phrases such as “you always” or “you never” implies that the issue is so big that it can never change.

Alternative: When you watch TV while I’m talking, I don’t feel heard or understood.

Ÿ  When we went out to dinner today, I know you didn’t want to go anyways.

Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking or intending.  You fuel your own anger when you assume negative motives.

Alternative: When you hesitated, I wasn’t so sure that you wanted to go.

In the bad examples above, the focus is placed on others instead of on ourselves, making it more likely that we will receive an angry and defensive reaction.  Let’s take responsibility and focus on ourselves first.

A Better Way

Remember your earlier statements?  Change them now to XYZ Statements.  Do you see a difference between your XYZ statements and the earlier ones?  Is it easier to communicate?  Will the reactions be different?

XYZ statements are more specific, and result in greater awareness about needs, wants, and desires.  They emphasize our experiences and feelings.  Most of us don’t like hearing something negative about ourselves, but XYZ Statements make it easier to raise concerns in a gentle, respectful, and honest way.  When we know how certain behaviors affect others, we are more motivated to change and more likely to accumulate positives than negatives!  Let’s work on increasing those positives!

This material was adapted from the leading divorce-prevention/marriage enhancement program called PREP© (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), and the corresponding book 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman and Stanley.