They can be so kind and so good to you. They can shower you with their love and embrace you with compliments and beautiful gestures.

People can also be the opposite of amazing—that we know. Yet my focus has been on the divine fortress which both encompasses and protects in a way that no person could even imagine. It simultaneously surrounds us with complete acceptance while blocking out rejection. Within the walls of this fortress, you find yourself.

For me, this fortress is a metaphor for my yearning to develop a real relationship with my Creator. By real, I mean something that goes beyond meaningless utterances of reverence and soulless acts of devotion. Something raw…something ugly. Something that looks like a woman of God drenched in her shortcomings, sin and longing for the Divine.

For so long, the awareness that God knew everything about me – all of me – was something that evoked within me a deep shame. What people could never imagine about me, God knew. What people could never understand about me, God encompassed. The masks I wore, and occasionally still wear, melted into their real forms before God. Mirages that were only real to the human eye but could never fool the Divine, who saw all.

And then I decided to jump headfirst into the most loving relationship I could find, which meant releasing the shame and knowing that God’s mercy encompassed my self-judgements. That my shame was rooted not in God’s inability to forgive me, but in my inability to forgive myself. That my shame could never be lifted by any delight nor by any man. That only God could carry me as I struggled to carry my burdens.

After the jump, I found myself swimming in a pool of light. A light that has continued to illuminate the darkest corners of my heart and the gloomiest moments in my life.

Within this fortress, I struggle not with fears of abandonment and disloyalty, but rejoice in an infinite love that both fills and completes me. With God, my insecurities are moot. What use are insecurities when your Beloved knows what distresses your soul? When your pains and fears exist only with His permission? When your faults are but a testament to the humanity in which you were created? When your most intimate thoughts and desires are known to Him before they manifest?

What better companion than the Lord of the universe and the celestial bodies which inhabit it? Of the wind and mountains and crystal-like drops of rain? Of the heavens and the laughing child? Of the pen that writes and the eyes that weep?

What better abode than the fortress of the Divine?

How amazing is the love of your Beloved?

And Allah (exalted is He) knows best.

SubhanAllah

I can’t help but reflect on how we’d all wish to have the perfect family: every member of the family being God-conscious, parents fulfilling the rights of their children and vice-versa, harmony between siblings, a marriage with very few conflicts and loads of happy moments, and delightfully obedient children. Indeed, I doubt that such a family exists on this planet, yet it cannot be denied that there are some families whose happiness radiates wherever they may be; they have strong connections of love and affection. May Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) preserve such families. The truth is, however, that most of us have conflict and strife within our families; with our parents, siblings, cousins, spouses, children, in-laws, etc. Some of this conflict is minor, while some of it has left stains of trauma and wreaked havoc in the lives of so many. Where I find stability and contentment, however, is in the realization of three important things:

1. Every family has their issues.
2. Pure happiness and contentment with one another is reserved for Paradise, and not the life of this world.
3. Even within our own Islamic tradition, we find countless examples of great people who dealt with tons of stuff.

Consider the following examples:

Parent Issues

• Ibrahim (Abraham) (`alayhi assalam – peace be upon him), the great man that he was, was threatened by his own father when he preached to him the message of Islam. Not only did his community deny him, but his own father did too. Imagine the pain.

Sibling/Child Issues

• Qabil (Cain) grew jealous of his brother Habil (Abel) and eventually slew him. These were the first sons of our common ancestor, Adam (as). Imagine the turmoil of murder within a family, and the loss of a child for Adam and Hawa (Eve).
• The brothers of Yusuf (Joseph) (as) conspired to get rid of him completely. For years, his father Ya’qoob (Jacob) grieved the loss of his son, and upon his eventual return, Yusuf’s brothers were filled with regret for what they had done. Imagine a grief that causes you blindness, as it did to Ya’qoob (as). Not only that, but Yusuf (as) was from a line of prophets (Yusuf son of Ya’qoob son of Ishaaq son of Ibrahim (as)) and was still not immune to such a trial.
• Musa (Moses) (as) was furious at his brother Haroon (Aaron) (as) when he returned to find the Children of Israel worshiping a calf. He even dragged him by his head as mentioned in Surat Al-A`raf!
• In Surat Al Kahf, we learn from the story of Musa (as) with Al-Khidr, who was divinely inspired to take the life of a child because that child may have been a fitnah (trial) to the righteous parents. Clearly, their righteousness didn’t lead them to a simple perfect family life; they suffered the hardest trial they could experience as parents and as a couple— the loss of their child.

Spousal Issues

• Both Ibrahim (as) and his wife Sara, along with Zakariyya (as) and his wife had trouble conceiving a child. As well, Aasiya the wife of the greatest tyrant Fir’awn (Pharaoh) brought Musa (as) into her home after not being able to have her own child.
• Maryam (Mary) (as) brought Isa (Jesus) (as) into this world alone and with no communal and spousal support. Imagine how we treat such mothers today.
• Both Lut (Lot) (as) and Nuh (Noah) (as) were betrayed and left unsupported by their wives. They were prophets and still, they had issues in their marriages.
• Aasiya was severely abused and persecuted by her own husband for merely proclaiming her belief in God (as).

Our Greatest Example

• The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) lost his beloved uncle Abu Taalib before he accepted Islam.
• He lost many of his children as infants, children and adults.
• He lost his dearly beloved wife, Khadijah, and mourned her death deeply.

These are just a tiny fraction of the examples of family stuff that we can draw from our own Islamic tradition. Indeed, what is even more incredible is that those mentioned above were far more pious and sincere to Allah (swt) than we could ever be, despite their hardships.

Notice that their piety did not mean a life of ease and perfection – no! Instead they were tried with things that today, might bring you and me to our knees. Because Allah (swt) tells us that He does not burden a soul with more than they can bear. By testing them with such trials, the Almighty knew that they were capable of coming out purified and forgiven for their sins, inshaAllah (God-Willing).

Now, what about you and me?

I say, family issues are inevitable. Don’t look to the lives of others to escape your own problems – realize that Allah (swt) has placed you in the circumstance you are in because He (swt), in His supreme knowledge, knows you can handle it.

For me, I’ve come to see family strife as bound to occur. Although not easy in the least, my main concern has been managing it as gracefully as I can when it does happen. Our spiritual growth and purification is tied to the moments we want to talk back but don’t, or have been betrayed by a family member and don’t seek revenge. It’s certainly not easy, especially when we have depictions of the perfect family life crossing our sights at every moment. From television, advertisements, social media and other forms of media, we are inundated with false realities of perfect, happy families.

The truth is, we all deal with stuff. The greatest individuals who came before us did

and we certainly are not immune. The key then is, how do you deal with your stuff? With grace, or harshness? With acceptance or bitterness? With resolve or chaos? Consider the following verse:

“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe,” and they will not be tried?” (Qur’an, 29:2)

The choice is ours – let’s figure this stuff out.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Author’s Note: Please share your experiences/thoughts below, and any further examples we can derive inspiration from.

Through discussion and community work, I have come to realize that I am not alone in these realizations. So many Muslims, especially females, have long felt underrepresented at these mainstream Islamic gatherings. If one attends these events solely for an ‘iman-boost’ (faith-boost) or to add to already healthy spiritual states, that’s great – but what about those sisters struggling to gain footing in the job market and sitting quietly in the audience while listening to the speaker’s biased views on females in the workplace? What about the silencing of brothers in the audience suffering from depression or low self-esteem by constantly being compared to the manliness of the Sahabah (companions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him) they are encouraged to emulate? Some might question whether or not it is the responsibility of these events to delve deeper and strive to form connections with the audience through recognizing their struggles – many of which are dependent on race, gender, and context. However, considering that Islamic events serve (somewhat) to the fill the gap between the mosque and the home, and for many Muslims are their only means to direct Islamic learning, I would answer that question with a resounding yes.

I now know that I was certainly not the only one who often left these gatherings feeling worse than before I entered. For me, I left feeling as though I was never Muslim enough, feminine enough, good enough – I simply was not enough. Reading the work of shame-expert Brené Brown has led me to the sad conclusion that the spiritual bypass so many of us experience as a result of attending these events may be in part due to the fact that our Islamic teachings are often delivered in a package of shame. This has less to do with the teachings themselves – which are glorious and uplifting – and more to do with the scare-tactics employed by those doing the teaching.

Perhaps we feel miserable and inadequate at these events because we are shamed for the burdens we carry.

Shame on you for having done drugs and alcohol.

Shame on you for having a boyfriend or toying with the idea.

Shame on you for having a poor relationship with your parents.

Shame on you for occasionally missing your prayers.

Shame on you for ever considering removing your hijab (headscarf).

Shame on you for being sexually assaulted.

These things may not be said overtly, but they are certainly implied. Even when we are reminded to find solace in God’s forgiveness and mercy, this usually is preceded by dollops of shame, shame, and more shame. How do you recognize this shame? Sit with your feelings, and question whether or not what you have heard has actually had a deep impact on your life – or has left you feeling terrible about yourself. Remember, the true teachings of Islam liberate the human mind and soul. If you have found yourself experiencing the opposite, which is undoubtedly some form of oppression, it is high time to question whether it is actually Islam you are learning – or the subjective views of another individual or group. If what you have learned had any true impact on you, know that your behaviour would have changed. You would have become the better person you wished to be. You would have gone from being inspired to becoming a source of inspiration.

For many – I would argue most of us in fact – this just is not happening.

Instead, like a drug fiend looking for a high, we attend event after event searching for that iman-rush. Once the high of the hit has faded, we go back to our terrible habits and troubling states of mind – subconsciously seeking the next event or gathering to fill our spiritual voids.

I am not blaming the events, the event organizers or the speakers. Nor am I blaming you and me. I just think it is high time for all of us to start asking questions like: Do I truly have the intention to change after attending X event or seminar? From whom and from where am I learning my Islam? What perspective or worldview is informing this speaker’s understanding of Islam – and is it truly Islamic? Am I using this Islamic event to genuinely grow, or just to make myself feel better without any practical intention of changing? Is the knowledge I am learning spiritually fulfilling, or is it time that I seek something greater?

These are all very personal questions and the answers will be even more subjective. However, if we are looking to overcome the spiritual impasse we have found ourselves in, it is critical that we begin to take a closer look at ourselves and our surroundings. To answer the above questions will take intentional self-awareness, honesty, courage, increased emotional intelligence, and a striving towards critical thinking. It will also require striving to learn Islam on one’s own; to engage in a healthy amount of self-study to equip oneself with the truth, rather than solely relying on external resources to fulfill one’s personal responsibility for seeking knowledge.

With some soul-searching and healthy questioning, you may find that in actuality, Islamic events have been taking the place of what you truly really need: a personal teacher, a therapist, a friend, a loving family member, a community, acceptance, an Islamic identity – the list goes on.

I believe that one’s Islamic self-concept should extend outside of Islamically conducive environments such as events, lectures, halaqahs, retreats or the mosque, into other realms of one’s life. Only then can we truly examine the practical impact that our learning is having on our lives. Anyone can be a great Muslim when surrounded by other great Muslims at various events and gatherings, but the truth is in who you are when you are with your family, at work, at school and, especially, when you are alone.

As well as calling my brothers and sisters in faith to self-examine, I also call for a reform in our delivery of and approach to Islamic events.

For organizers:

• Know your audience – for example, if you have found a spike in the number of deaths due to drugs in your community, organise less conferences on marital relations and more on drug abuse.
• Focus less on surface issues such as how to segregate the genders, and more on the spiritual condition of your community members.
• Intentionally choose speakers who understand your community’s needs and are equipped with not only sound Islamic knowledge, but an inherent – and practical – wisdom and spirituality.
• Quality > Quantity. Seek to draw spirituality, and not just high attendance numbers.
• Invite speakers from diverse backgrounds, different ethnicities, careers and both genders. Focus too on capitalizing on the talents of intellectuals who already exist in your community as opposed to consistently bringing in speakers from outside.

For speakers:

• Have an understanding of the community in which you are presenting, and seek to relate personally to the audience.
• Gain self-awareness and recognize when your personal bias is leaking into your Islamic teachings. Learn to separate and critically examine the two.
• Encourage questioning and healthy debate in your circles.
• Refrain from shaming and, instead, be compassionate.
• Identify spiritual and religious weaknesses without putting people down – you never know who is listening and what they may be going through.

For the individual:

• Be aware of what you are learning and from whom.
• Always question in order to learn, not to debate.
• Be intentional in engaging with any Islamic event. Ask yourself, “What do I hope to gain from this?”
• Engage in constant and personal self-learning from reliable Islamic resources and individuals.
• Recognize that the solutions to your issues may not be found at an Islamic event and that instead, you may need to consider other resources.
• Pay attention to how you feel at any given Islamic event. If there is a mismatch between how you truly feel and how you should feel, explore that. Your body, mind and spirit are telling you something.
• Attempt to practically apply any lessons that you learn, and explore where any difficulties in doing so may come from.

I pray that this piece encourages us all to increase in self-awareness, personal spirituality, and intentional engagement in the community through Islamic events and gatherings. The solutions above are mere suggestions; only you can identify the blockages that have led to a personal or communal spiritual bypass, and only you can strive to remove them.

And Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted it He) knows best.

Part I

I want you to take a moment and think back to all of the Islamic events, conferences, lectures. halaqahs (circles) or any related gatherings you have ever attended. Try to remember the impact that the speaker had on you, the moments of inspiration that had you promising yourself that today would be the day you would change.

My question is: have you?

When I was younger, I remember feeling a strong excitement whenever the next Islamic event was around the corner. Like so many Muslim youth, I was part of a clique, so to speak, that would not only attend these events, but feverishly advertise them through networking and social media. Truthfully speaking, it sometimes became less about the event itself, and more about being part of a group that got to listen to popular speaker X on popular topic Y.

It felt inclusive…at the time.

Yes, I was learning about the basics of my deen (religion) which helped to create a foundation on which I could build my religious identity. However, at some point, I couldn’t help but realize that I had been met with a wall.

Somewhere along the way, the topics at such Islamic events started to meld together; certain stories, ahadith (sayings and traditions of the Prophet ﷺ) and Qur’anic verses were so often quoted that the impact they had on me were gradually dulled. I couldn’t help but find myself yearning for something deeper and more meaningful. I had also become keenly attuned to (and, later, excruciatingly bored with) the jokes and attention-grabbing tactics that many, if not most, of the speakers employed in order to engage the audience.

I soon realized that I had stumbled upon a spiritual plateau. This realization was marked by the reality that despite the numerous Islamic gatherings I had attended, I had barely changed. Sure, my mental bank of basic Islamic knowledge had grown, but when I was honest with myself, I had to admit that very little of that knowledge had actually translated into practical action on my part.

Upon realizing this, I felt consumed by guilt. Was I a hypocrite? After attending so many Islamic gatherings – to the point where everything sounded the same – why was I still battling with the same demons? Why did I commit the same sins? Why did my books and notes end up lost or collecting dust somewhere?

And then it hit me: I had come across a spiritual blockage which, at some point, had led me to a pause in practical learning and replaced it with a sophisticated and glamorized means of information collecting. I had collected a library of profound ahadith, ayat (verses from the Qur’an) and stories that made me feel good, but would eventually be stored in the back of my mind, rarely to be accessed again.

While at one point these events served as beneficial reminders for me, they now began to fill a spiritual void; one where I was falsely – and temporarily –  left feeling good about attending the event for the sake of doing so, and not necessarily for having left it a better person.

For so long, I couldn’t quite put my finger on the anxiety I felt once I noticed how bored and uninspired many of the events left me feeling. It was only through intense research at the time, and my current training as a psychotherapist, that I came across a way of defining my experience: spiritual bypassing.

In a fantastic piece in Psychology Today, Dr. Ingrid Mathieu says about the issue:

“We’ve gotten progressively more skillful in our methods: turning away from drugs or alcohol to alter our consciousness and turning towards things like self-help books, meditation, yoga, prayer, and special diets. In some ways, we are now spiritually distracting ourselves from our feelings, thinking that we are walking a healthy spiritual path.

“This experience is called spiritual bypass. Spiritual bypass is a defense mechanism. Although the defense looks a lot prettier than other defenses, it serves the same purpose. Spiritual bypass shields us from the truth, it disconnects us from our feelings, and helps us avoid the big picture. It is more about checking out than checking in—and the difference is so subtle that we usually don’t even know we are doing it.”

How many of us have yet to recognize the ways in which we have used spiritual bypassing as a defense against our deeper emotions and issues?

Once I became aware of this concept, I intentionally increased my self-awareness. I made sure that I attended events and circles that were relevant to my spiritual journey and that genuinely interested me. I also began to shed the position of the passive event attendee and instead assumed a role of critical thinking and engagement (something which unfortunately got me into a little trouble sometimes). What I discovered shocked me and helped me lift some of the self-blame and shame that I felt towards my spiritual plateau.

Firstly, I came to question (out of curious truth-seeking, not hostility) the actual organizations or groups hosting such events: What was their mission? What was their history of active community engagement and service? What were their underlying Islamic values and concepts? What progressive strides have they made in my community – or have they at all?

I also began to actually question the speakers from whom I was learning – something that we are usually conditioned not to do, especially as young Muslims. I began to attune myself not only to what the speaker was saying, but to how they said it and how it made me feel. I also began to consider the context from which they came. Shortly, I realized that much of why I couldn’t connect to particular speakers, or why their words would often leave me feeling uneasy, was due to our completely different worldviews and experiences. I began to see why I, as a young, coloured, educated Somali-Canadian female was having trouble connecting with what the speaker (who was often an older South Asian or Arab* male with orthodox Islamic knowledge) was telling me about Islam.

It wasn’t about race or politics; it was about relatedness. My difficulty with establishing congruence between the Islam I was learning in these controlled environments and the Islam that I faced on a day-to-day basis stemmed not from an inherent deficiency in my sensibilities – or that of the speaker – but deeper issues rooted in race, privilege, authority, socio-economic status, gender, upbringing, education, perspective and hierarchy, to name just a few.

In time, I began to see how my true struggles were not being addressed at these events. Yes, it was nice to learn about our wonderful and enriched Islamic history, but what did that mean for me right now? What did it mean after I left the event? I am sure the onus of responsibility to create meaning and connection lies mostly with the individual; however, what about the roles of our speakers, Islamic organizations and workers?

*please note that these ethnic groups were used as an example for the purpose of highlighting cultural differences. Such differences, however, are not limited to individuals from these groups.

I heard this quote from a shaykh (religious scholar) quite a long time ago, and it was only until this Ramadan that I understood it.

Although this blessed month of Ramadan is one in which so many opportunities for change and personal growth are presented to us, many of us are still experiencing the same struggles and issues that we faced pre-Ramadan.

That is, we find ourselves trapped in the same unfavourable circumstances (which may in fact be getting worse) or indulging in the same sins and poor habits that we hoped would magically disappear in Ramadan – but which have not. Instead, we find that we have not changed much, or we have changed very little. We may even have started this Ramadan with soaring levels of iman (faith), only to later find ourselves back down to our natural baselines – perhaps even lower, since now we are also disappointed that we have not met our Ramadan goals.

Shaytan had been working on us all year and we expected, just like that, that the month of Ramadan would stop our spiritual coffees stirring. That we would be completely, and immediately, cleansed of the satanic imprint left on our souls.

Alhamdulillah (all praise be to God), I am sure that a blessed few of us truly have been purified this month. Yet many of us have found our spiritual cups of coffee still stirring. We have found ourselves stumbling over our personal spiritual blocks and feeling distant from Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), or completely unworthy of the immense forgiveness He (swt) offers us this great month.

I have often found myself in such a situation, but what makes this Ramadan unique for me is that for the first time I have asked myself: could it be that although the shayateen (devils) are locked up this month, I have always been my own shaytan?  

This realization was pivotal, and taking personal responsibility was both humbling and freeing. Humbling because I realized that truly, this month there is no-one to blame for my own unfavourable actions but myself; freeing because I now feel empowered to sit in the front seat of my life and do the hard personal work that is clearly needed.

As such, my perception of Ramadan has slightly changed. I now view it in a more realistic sense; I probably will not have a character overhaul this month, my circumstances may not get better (and may even get worse), I may carry on with the same sins that seem to always hold me back, and I may not feel the taqwa (God-consciousness) that this month is supposed to cultivate. (( “O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous.” Qur’an, 2:183 ))

Although it may not seem like it, thinking this way has been very healthy for me. Instead of viewing Ramadan as a machine which I enter as my sinful, faulty self and come out completely transformed into the ideal Muslim I hope to be (whatever that looks like), I now view it as a training ground. It is a launch pad from which I will be thrust into the rest of the year with some new spiritual equipment to fight my personal demons as well as those from among the jinn.

My coffee may still stir, but without a doubt, this month has slowed down the rate. Insha’ Allah (God willing), once the devilish spoon is returned, the momentum will be weakened while my grip on the spoon continues to strengthen.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Photo: Vicki DeLoach

(Note: many points in this article can apply to men as well.)

If you are reading this, chances are that you are searching for some answers to some deeply seated issues you have or have had. Or, you are looking for a resource to share with your fellow single brothers and sisters. Whatever your personal reasons may be, I pray that you benefit from the following.

_______________________________________________________________________

1. Realize That You are Where You’re Meant to Be

It may be hard to do so, especially when it seems that so many individuals around us are in a relationship/seeing someone. However, one of the most sobering ways to change your perspective is recognizing that Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), has written your entire destiny – way before you even came into existence. What has happened in your life was decreed, and what has been decreed and yet to happen will surely come to pass. If you are single right now, it is because you are living out what has already been decreed for you. That’s it. Your destiny lies in the hands of Allah (swt) – your job is not to dwell on it or worry about it, but to carry on with life as you should. If it happens that a husband – or no husband, or multiple ones due to divorce/death – is written as part of your destiny, then have faith that it will surely come to materialize. Feeling anxious over a future you’ve had yet to live will serve you in no way other than to keep you down and even feeling depressed. Wherever you are in your life right now, whether in hardship or ease, know that it is exactly where Allah (swt) intends you to be – and Allah (swt) intends everything for a reason. You have no clue: maybe He knows you are not ready for a relationship, or that a relationship at this particular point in your life may be disastrous for you. Have trust in Allah (swt) and believe with all of your heart that He, the Most Kind, is always looking out for you in your favour!

2. Let Go of Entitlement

You are not owed a relationship. Just like the air you breathe or a great cup of coffee, a decent and compatible spouse is a blessing from Allah (swt). Think of all of the millions of individuals who perished before ever experiencing a relationship, or those who have been in many relationships but have never experienced true love. Allah (swt) bestows upon people what He wishes – he is Al Wahhab after-all. And so, letting go of the idea that you deserve to be in a relationship or that Allah (swt) has been unfair to you in any way (and we seek refuge in Allah from such thoughts), will free your mind and allow you to be grateful for the multitude of other blessings that He has placed in your life out of His Mercy. Remember – a husband may be the cherry on the cake, but he is not the cake. For me, at least, the cake is my relationship with Allah (swt). Every other piece of decoration on the cake – such as friends, family, a spouse, a career – make up the beautiful blessings that Allah (swt) has surrounded me with.

3. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Muslimahs

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“Comparison is an act of violence against the self.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Often times, we self-sabotage by comparing where we are in our lives to other people. Indeed, if you ever find yourself doing this, refer back to point #1. Once you realize that they are in a different chapter of their life stories than you are, comparison becomes futile. Truly, it turns into comparing apples and oranges.

One of the worst arenas for comparison is social media; when one’s newsfeeds are decorated with happy engagement, wedding, or baby announcements, it can be a quick way for insecurities to develop and take hold. Indeed, if you are already insecure with your “singlehood,” then such images and status updates may be salt added to your emotional wounds. Rather than wallowing in misery or blaming those who choose to share their happiness publicly, it is very important for you to ask yourself why you have reacted in such a way. What triggered your flood of emotions – whether it be sadness, jealousy, or bitterness? Ceasing to compare yourself to others and instead, addressing any emotional voids you may be feeling is a healthy approach for any individual who is feeling insecure with being single. Oh yeah—and get off the computer.

4. Be Secure with Being Single

What can be worse than being single? Being single and insecure. Since you’ve already established that you are simply living out the destiny Allah (swt) has decreed for you, learn to not only own but LOVE your single status! Admittedly, for a very long time, I held marriage and relationships to a very ideal standard. It wasn’t until I actually hung-out/spoke with married couples, and dealt with children that I realized how blessed I was to be single! I know it sounds odd, but after hearing about the things that couples go through, or the actual difficulties of child-rearing and witnessing first-hand what that entailed, I became very grateful for my current lifestyle. I completely love having free time and scheduling my days the ways that I want. I also love my personal space and not being held accountable to any person (…well except my parents to a certain degree). Once I was able to stop feeling insecure about being single, the quality of my life improved tenfold! Most importantly, I began to think realistically: am I at a place where I even want to be in a relationship now – am I ready? Do I want children before pursuing my own personal life-goals? Am I mature enough to face a relationship? Am I ready to choose someone to spend the rest of my entire life with? Honestly asking yourself such questions, and removing the facade of a perfect husband and children from your mind will help to make you feel more secure with your personal decisions and where you are in your life.

5. Be Critical of Expectations

One important thing to ask yourself is: Do I want to get married for myself, or because it’s expected of me? As women, we need to acknowledge and challenge the life-scripts that have been doctored for us by society, culture, friends, family, and heck, even ourselves, and realize that we are living within a patriarchal sociopolitical framework which often limits women’s roles. If you want to be in a relationship due to external pressures and not internal decisions, then pause and ask yourself if that’s fair to you – or your future spouse. Unfortunately, young marriages – as great as they can be – have been idealized to such an unhealthy degree in our Muslim communities that it has isolated and ostracized entire cohorts of people including those who are single and in their mid-late twenties/thirties, or those who are divorced with or without children, and/or widowed.

I know plenty of sisters who are absolutely desperate to get married because of social pressures. That is, if they don’t get married, their communities will view them and their families as pariahs. Even worse, assumptions may be made of the single female; e.g. she’s single because she’s infertile, has poor character, is too career driven, or that she may be gay (ignorant, I know). Unfortunately, it is very hard for many individuals to wrap their heads around the fact that a woman may be single because she CHOOSES to be. By not acknowledging a female’s agency to choose whether or not to be in a relationship, many Muslims expose their patriarchal and sometimes even sexist states of minds. Therefore, it is very important for us to recognize the often limited roles that are allotted to women (such as wife or stay-at-home mom), and how that may affect us and the decisions we make in our lives. We are more than our wombs, sexual organs, and ability/inability to carry children. Allah (swt) has honored us far above such things.

6. Educate Yourself

One of the biggest regrets I’ve heard and read from other women who are married and/or have children is that they no longer have the time for educational pursuits. It is so, so important for us as single Muslimahs to realize that we have time on our side! Seize the opportunity NOW to get a degree, read/memorize/study the Qur’an, learn the deen (religion), or simply pursue new skills or languages. The reality is that if you hope to one day be married and have children, it will be very difficult to do these things therefore, empower yourself with education. It deeply saddens me when I see bright, young Muslimahs expressing such sorrow over not being in a relationship when they have so much more to offer themselves and their communities – their minds.

A great example is Imam An-Nawawi, radi Allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him), the legendary hadith (narrations) scholar, who chose not to get married because he felt as though his studies would cause him to not fulfill his duties towards his wife. SubhanAllah (Glory be to God)! Now, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting to get married – of course not! But it is incredible to see how Imam An-Nawawi, a young man when he died, could’ve been so honest with himself and so dedicated to his studies. On top of that, he was able to realize his duties as a Muslim and did what he thought was most pleasing to Allah (swt). What does that say about us barely learned lay-people who are passing up priceless educational opportunities for the sake of getting married? If you are single, my sister, I highly encourage you to learn something new; every piece of knowledge you acquire will, insha’Allah (God willing), be a cornerstone of education and guidance for primarily yourself, and insha’Allah, your future spouse and children. And hey, if you decide to never get married or it’s a lifestyle that doesn’t fit, then you will still be a vesicle of knowledge, spreading your light wherever you go and to whomever you meet. It’s a win-win situation.

7. Realize that Having Sexual Desires DOES NOT Necessarily Mean that You are Ready for a Relationship

This is a tough one. It would be laughable to deny that one of the greatest motivators for marriage for Muslims is…sex. And yes, for Muslim women too. Indeed, I’ve met sisters who’ve disclosed to me that they were physically ready for a relationship – but failed to display any other type of readiness beyond that. Sexual frustration is very real for Muslims, especially since we are commanded by God to abstain from any premarital sexual relationships. Can you imagine the number of Muslim females and males who are struggling with both their sexual desires and finding a compatible spouse to relieve these desires? This is probably one of the greatest challenges, especially for our brothers, and I’d like to take a moment for anyone reading this to make genuine du`a’ (supplication) for all of our Muslim brothers and sisters in the Ummah who are struggling with such issues. May Allah (swt) grant them a path of sexual expression that He is most pleased with – Ameen.

With that said, the truth is that just because you are physically ready to be intimate with someone, doesn’t mean that you are emotionally or mentally ready. Bluntly stated, wanting to have sex does not in any way mean that you have what it takes to fulfill the duties of a wife in accordance to the Shariah. Point-blank. I have personally met individuals who in no way exhibited any maturity to get married and yet were so desperate to do so in order to fulfill sexual desires. If having sex was the pinnacle of relationships, why is it that non-Muslims or Muslim who don’t practice abstinence are often unable to maintain one sexual partner? Is it not the case that after the haze of passion and lust has faded, what is left are two individuals who actually have to deal with each other? Truly, a relationship built on sexual favors will never last. That’s not love, and that’s not what marriages are made of. Again, why would Muslims who’ve had sexual relations in their marriages ever divorce if that was the case? You see, there’s more to marriage than the physical aspect, and I don’t know about you, but I’d hate to realize that my spouse only wanted to be with me in order to fulfill a carnal, base desire. How dehumanizing is that? It’s also dehumanizing to the brothers when we do it to them, my beloved sisters.

Sexual desires aside, I think what’s more important for single Muslimahs is to educate themselves on their reproductive rights within Islam; we should truly empower ourselves with the knowledge of what things like birth control pills, contraceptives, consent, or marital rape mean to us as Muslim women. We should also educate ourselves on sex within the framework of Islam; e.g. what is haraam (impermissible)? What isn’t? How do we communicate our wants and needs to our spouses without being shamed for having *GASP* sexual desires?

(Disclaimer: the following explicitly discusses sex/sexuality)

In terms of curbing sexual desires, the truth is that avoiding acts such as pornography viewing and/or masturbation is hard for THOUSANDS of Muslims out there! The first thing I’d like to mention in regards to that is: I don’t judge you, and I accept you. The second is a list of things that may help curb our very real sexual appetites (in no particular order):

1. Keep yourself busy. One of my favorite sayings is: “an idle mind is a playground for the devil.” Don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable to satanic whispering as you are when you’re alone and in private. Go out – hang with friends, chill at the masjid, go to the library, start a new project or hobby, go for a walk, go workout, go do anything!
2. Limit media intake. There is no doubt that most of what’s on T.V., the internet, music videos, and billboards are soft-core pornographic images. Alhamdullilah (praise be to God), I quit watching T.V. a long time ago, and insha’Allah I will write an article on how I did that one day. I highly recommend limiting the number of stimulating images that you see in a day. It really has an effect on your psyche and such images certainly get stored in your unconscious memory, only to haunt you at your weakest moments.
3. Search for a spouse. But do so with the awareness that your spouse is more than an outlet for your sexual desires and is an actual human being. Once the sex comes and goes, there’s an actual marriage that must be dealt with for (presumably) the rest of your life. Tread lightly and intentionally.
4. Speak with a counselor/therapist. It’ll be amazing the resources you may be provided with. And because they are bound by confidentiality and are trained to be non-judgmental, you can speak as openly as you want and get a ton of shame and burden off of your chest.
5. Try the Prophetic method. And fast. And fast some more – especially since it’s winter and the hours are so short! Also make tons of du`a’ for Allah (swt) to aid you. He is Al-Fattah, The Opener – have no doubt that he’ll find a way out for you!

8. Never Lower Your Standards

Please, please, please, my sisters – set standards for yourself. Have a list of things that you will *never* compromise on when considering someone for a spouse. Now, don’t be unrealistic, but at the same time, exercise your dignity! I will share with you two of my complete deal-breakers: 1. Dishonesty (I cannot deal with liars or cheats) and 2. Smoker (this speaks for itself). These are just two of a number of deal-breakers that I’ve developed based on my personal standards and understanding of Islam. It’s important, however, to realize that you must also be fair. Don’t set your standards so high that you are setting yourself up for rejection and disappointment. At the same time, do not compromise or be afraid to set your foot down if need be. If a man is raising what you see as red flags – address that quickly! Trust yourself and your ability to decipher what you do and do not want for yourself.

Also, sisters, don’t be desperate. Don’t be willing to overhaul your entire life for the first man that comes knocking. Don’t throw those closest to you – your family, friends, etc -under the bus for an individual who knows how to say the right things. For the sake of Allah – be critical! Have standards! Assess the situation! I’m not saying be high-maintenance, sisters, I’m saying be like Khadijah (ra) who had her own set of standards that she measured the Prophet ﷺ up against (such as honesty and integrity) prior to proposing marriage to him! Desperation is obvious, cringe-worthy, and just plain sad. Trust Allah (swt) and never let go of your self-respect for anyone (this means not being afraid to say “NO”).

9. Re-evaluate the Sources of Your Happiness 

If you believe, dear sis, that your life will only be complete once you are married and have children then please take a moment to re-evaluate the sources of your happiness. The easiest way to do this is to see whether or not you have tied your happiness to internal or external things. If you have tied it to external things such as a man, children, a house, etc. then indeed, know that everything in this life is temporary and that once any of these things disappoint you or disappear, you’ll be left in a deep, deep sadness. Therefore, your happiness should be tied to the internal – specifically, your personal relationship with Allah (swt); your heart and its connection to the One who created it. Never will this internal source of happiness leave you lest you die. And so, being connected to Allah (swt), despite the transient nature of a husband or children, will always leave you feeling happy and content, insha’Allah.

10. Take Care of Yourself…For You

The final point, dear sister, is recognizing the importance of self-care. Feeling and looking good are things that most people value, and there is nothing wrong with that! However, your focus should be on taking care of yourself for you (or even better, for the sake of Allah (swt)), and not some imaginary husband.

I recently had a dear friend of mine point to her body and indicate that she needed to lose weight prior to getting married. That really made me sad; I’m a firm believer that any type of self-care should be directly for YOU. It’s not being selfish – it’s actually an act of love towards yourself.

Go ahead and take the time to indulge yourself in the things that give you a sense of peace and wholeness: whether that be a cozy bubble bath, a nice cup of coffee, some type of physical activity, hanging out with friends/family, becoming lost in a great book, taking care of your hair or makeup – do whatever you need to wind-down and take care of YOU. Self-care is an important element of life that has wonderful effects on the psyche. For me, one of my greatest self-care activities is writing (surprise!). Spending an hour or so on an article or poem puts me into a complete state of mindfulness and relaxation. I cannot stress enough the importance of self-care my dear sisters – try it!

_______________________________________________________________________

I genuinely hope, from the bottom of my heart, that this article was a source of betterment for you and that it has helped you, dear sisters, to realize the beautiful realities of your existences.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Photo: Eric Hunt

Disclaimer: this post is not meant to explore the evil eye in and of itself, nor is it meant to provide any type of legal rulings or scholarly opinions regarding it. Instead, it’s simply meant to be a reflection and reminder to us all.

Although most of us have heard of the evil eye and maybe even stories of people being afflicted by it, we seem to act like it does not exist. Or maybe we have forgotten.

It’s funny – discussion surrounding the evil eye tends to involve either intense fear mongering, or mythical folklore mumbo jumbo. Yet, the Prophet ﷺ  (peace and blessings be upon him) so eloquently explained the evil eye – something very enormous and quite scary – in the simplest of ways:

It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amir bin Rabi’ah, from his father, that the Prophet (ﷺ) said: “The evil eye is real.” (Sahih Darussalam)

It’s real, and there’s no denying that. Yet we live and act like it’s not.

For example, social media in particular has given people a glimpse through the windows of our lives. In a beautiful way, we are able to share pieces of ourselves with those close to us and that we care deeply for.

But many of us abuse this privilege. We use social media as (primarily) a leverage for showing off the best sides of ourselves. Our families, vacations, new purchases, promotions, religiosity, social lives – you name it. If it’s going to make us look good, we share it. Sometimes with the world.

I’ve recently been doing research and readings on modern day narcissism, voyeurism, social media, and the links to our mental well-being. Studies have shown that platforms like Facebook can lead to people feeling depressed or sad about themselves. A reason for this is because many people go through what’s been dubbed as Facebook Envy. Replace “Facebook” with any popular social media outlet, and we’ve got our hands on a problem that is very, very real.

I’m sure we’ve all felt a twinge of jealousy while scrolling through our newsfeeds and comparing the success of others to our mundane, boring, unaccomplished lives (which, by the way, are complete exaggerations). Let me say that jealousy is normal. It’s a human emotion that we shouldn’t hold on to but instead, observe and eventually let pass.

However, problems occur when we cling to this jealousy and allow it to fester. When it plants its roots into our minds and branches off into feelings of envy. A good litmus test for whether or not you are feeling envious is to ask yourself this: “Would I feel happy/satisfied if [insert person’s name] lost [insert thing you are envious of]?” If you answer yes, then something is severely wrong with your thought process, outlook on life and your heart. It may sound harsh, but it’s true.

So how does this relate to the evil eye? Simple: we put ourselves out there in ways that may promote envious feelings in others. Is it 100% our fault? Of course not. Someone who is a firm believer in the qadr (predestination, divine will) of Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), and who is grateful for their own blessings won’t harbor ill feelings towards what they perceive to be your amazing life.

But, we certainly play a big role. Ask yourself: “how do I present myself to others”? Let’s use social media as an example:

• Do you use social media to brag, show off, or make yourself feel better?
• Is there a (large) gap between your online persona and your real-life one?
• Do you compete for the most shares, likes, views, etc?
• Does being popular make you feel better about yourself?
• When people don’t give you the attention that you are looking for, do you feel worse about yourself?

If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, then I recommend looking inwards and reassessing your intention whenever you share things with others online.

This applies to real life as well. Unless the person is extremely close to you (e.g. family member, good friend), don’t make it a point to indulge in your ego.

Here’s why:

• Imagine if a person who can’t have children is constantly bombarded by pictures of your beautiful babies.
• Imagine if a person who can’t get married or who’s had trouble finding a spouse is confronted with constant updates on your “perfect” relationship and/or wedding (or engagement) photos and posts.
• Imagine how a person who wanted that job position or material possession you’ve just attained will feel when you rub it in their faces.
• Imagine if someone with low self-esteem and self-perception comes across your beautiful personal photos or “selfies”, and the enormous amount of validation they receive from others.

My beloved Sisters and Brothers, don’t you see how any of the above could contribute to the evil eye? We know this, and yet, we indulge our egos. We paint perfect pictures of ourselves to others and we OVERSHARE with those who truly have no business knowing.

And even amongst our families and friends, there may be people who hide ill feelings towards our achievements, beauty, families, and lifestyles behind their smiles.

And the sad part is that most of the time, people envy what we know isn’t completely real – it’s just a facade. We know that our lives aren’t as glamorous or beautiful as we paint it to be, and yet we still project these images into the minds of others. In our modern times, people not only become envious of our lives, but also of what they perceive to be our lives.

I should note that if Allah (swt) wills for the evil eye to afflict you, then it will. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. BUT we should try to take precautions to limit the possibilities. For many, this will be hard because we live in such a narcissistic and self-serving society today. There is a deep need within many of us to be validated and accepted by others – even people we don’t know.

To wage war on the evil eye now means to wage war on our egos. To not feel compelled to brag, over-share, or make ourselves look good to others.

Personally, realizing the reality and the effects of the evil eye is a big part of the reason why I try to be as honest as possible through my writing. I would never want people to get the wrong impression of me – like I’m some great, intuitive, “deep” person or something. I try to highlight my struggles and relate to others to show that I’m NOT perfect. I struggle a LOT with my faith as well as my personal and social lives. My life isn’t glamorous and I would never want anyone to wrongly perceive that it is. Just because I like to speak/write about Allah and my religion, people sometimes mistake that I’m more religious than I know myself to be. It’s not true, believe me.

By being a bit more honest about ourselves, we can adjust the way that others perceive us. We can knock ourselves off that pedestal they may have placed us on and show them that sometimes, the grass isn’t really greener on the other side. In fact it may be the same, or even dead and gone.

Another thing we can do, Sisters and Brothers, is to be very careful and selective with who we share personal information and/or photos with. Again, this will be difficult, especially for those of us who are public figures or who have a public following. Still, this is something that I feel needs to be done as a safeguard against the evil eye. Social media, especially, needs to go back to being about friends and family as opposed to acquaintances, distant relatives and plain old strangers.

I’m not saying we should become hermits, all I’m saying is what the Prophet ﷺ said: the evil eye is real. And my dear Sisters and Brothers, we truly need to start treating it as such.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Photo: Mark J P

It took me a very long time to realize this, but as soon as I did, I found myself shuttled into a new realm of liberation.

I am fine with being mediocre. Let me explain.

In this tech-savvy day and age, religiosity has found a new medium for expression: the internet. It is through this medium that so many Muslims have become the staple of everyone’s newsfeeds or YouTube playlists.

Social media’s ability to construct ideal self-representations has given birth to a new generation of Muslims: local and international super-stars whose quotes are “re-tweeted” and photos “liked” by the hundreds.

Even us laypeople have found a niche in this digital dunya (life): our bios, statuses, posts, and pictures are manifestations of our religious self-perception. Soon enough, the way others perceive us may ultimately be changed as well. With every piece of religiosity we share online, our piety and rank may increase in their eyes.

Now, I’m not saying online da`wah (spreading the message of Islam) and the like are bad things at all. Indeed, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t benefit greatly from the pages/blogs/videos of certain people. And I truly ask that Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), blesses each and every one of these individuals. But what I want to discuss is the greater social implication of what it means to be a Muslim in this internet age.

I feel as though there is pressure on those of us who engage with social media to up the notch to which we express our religiosity. It could be through that display picture highlighting our meticulously placed hijab or perfectly groomed beard. Or how about mentioning in our bios that we’re a “Muslimah/Muslim,” and our religious belief is “The Deen of Allah”, we are “proud memorizers of the Qur’an” and our location is the “Dunya” – catch my drift? It also seems that things like uploading hjiab fashion videos online, engaging in what are called “Muslim Vines” (seriously), or posting/sharing a multitude of Qur’anic verses are the thing to do as a Muslim engaging online.

In hipster fashion, I feel as though everywhere I look, I come across a new speaker, sheikh, student of knowledge, or video extraordinaire. I also feel as though a dichotomy has been created amongst the younger Muslim generation. That is to say, you’re either strictly deen (religion) – everything you share is Islam related – or…you’re not.

I don’t know what it is, but something feels weird about being bombarded with all of this. What does it really mean to be a Muslim online?

The liberation that I spoke of earlier came once I realized that it is totally fine to just be mediocre – a regular Muslim, doing regular things. My Islamic endeavors may not be highlighted in a tweet or photo, but that does not negate its existence. I may not be a speaker, video-blogger, or anyone “known”, but my obscurity from the world does not translate to obscurity in the sight of Allah (swt). It’s okay to be mediocre…average. I don’t mean mediocre in the deen – we should ALWAYS seek to better ourselves as Muslims daily, but what I mean is that in order to fulfill our duties as Muslims, we don’t need to be seen as online super duper stars. We don’t need the world to know every little minute detail of our religious lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a BIG advocate for online da`wah, but in my opinion, creating these digital hyper-religious caricatures of ourselves can do more harm than good.

It’s frightening to realize just how much of our religious spheres have permeated into the online sphere. Is nothing sacred anymore? I mean, in our supreme displays of religiosity, our initial intentions may have become lost. For instance, the disparity between our online-selves and real-life selves may be alarming. We’ll either realize this and seek to change ourselves, or devastatingly – and more often than not – we may convince ourselves of our own greatness. We may overlook the fact that although the Qur’anic verse we shared may have gotten hundreds of “likes” or “shares,” our real Qur’an sits unread. Or despite the fact that although we share everything like pics from the Islamic study-circles/events/conferences we’ve attended or carefully choreographed engagement/wedding photos, much of our real-life personal relationships lie in shambles.

I’ve realized that so many of us – speakers, shuyookh and laypeople alike spend way too much time online. Lord have mercy. Where on Earth do some people find the time to post lengthy, complicated fatawah (Islamic rulings)? Or engage in such useless drivel or petty arguments? How much of our time is sacrificed honing, editing, and perfecting our online pseudo-religious selves? And how much of this time is spent perfecting our characters and relationship with Allah (swt) in real life?

To those who may feel like they’re doing something wrong by not being a prominent face in the hipster-like digital dunya scene – don’t sweat it. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just being bombarded by folks who seem convinced that everything they’re doing is right.

Here’s a quote I came across recently that reflects the point I’ve tried to get across with this piece:

“Just because someone doesn’t use Facebook as a platform to expound about Islam/religion, or plaster Islamic symbols all over it, does not mean they are not religious people. You don’t know whose worship is better or whose heart is purer based on something as trivial as Facebook–it is a poor vehicle to judge people. Also, people contribute to Islam in different ways or even give dawah in ways other than social media. Some religious people use Facebook as a source of entertainment/downtime, thus their Facebook isn’t religiosity-focused while others still fear riyaa and thus deliberately do not mention their Islamic practices on Facebook. Think twice before you judge a Facebooker by their cover”—Olivia K

Just a little food for thought.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Photo: Giulio Nesi

As provocative as the title sounds, the following narration is one that constantly inspires me and expands my mind. I relate to you the following:

Abu Huraira radi allahu `anhu (may God have mercy on him) reported Allah’s Messenger ﷺ (peace be upon him) as saying: “There was a dog moving around a well whom thirst would have killed. Suddenly a prostitute from the prostitutes of Bani Isra’il [Children of Israel] happened to see it and she drew water in her shoe and made it drink, and she was pardoned because of this.” (Sahih Muslim, 2245 b)

In another narration:

Narrated Abu Huraira (ra): The Prophet ﷺ said, “While a dog was going round a well and was about to die of thirst, an Israeli prostitute saw it and took off her shoe and watered it. So Allah forgave her because of that good deed.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 3467)

Let that sink in.

Where do I begin with this amazing narration? Within it is a tale of animal rights, female empowerment, and the beautiful ability of our Lord to forgive, regardless of the person or the sin.

We must ask ourselves: how would we treat a woman whom we knew was a sex worker in this day and age? Indeed, these women are greatly looked down upon in our societies. The elephants in the room, they usually shoulder the majority of the blame and stigmatization, regardless of the countless males who fund and take advantage of their line of work.

In Muslim communities in particular, there is a huge (and in my opinion, rather unhealthy) emphasis placed on the chastity and “purity” of a woman. If anything at all, even if it be a rumor, compromises a woman’s reputation or puts her in a tight situation, she is typically isolated, looked down upon, abused, and in extreme instances, even murdered, regardless of whether she was sexually assaulted, taken advantage of, or sells her own body out of a desperate attempt at survival.

This classification and shaming of women within both our greater communities, and specifically our Muslim communities does nothing more than further isolate and abhor women who are already disenfranchised. Rather than considering their context, circumstances, and stories, many people assume, judge, and label. Symbolically and literally disposing of women who, for whatever reason, have already put their bodies out there for disposal.

Is this the Islamic way? No. Is this the human way? No. Take another look at the narrations above.

Firstly, the Prophet ﷺ relates to those around him the story of this woman. We learn that this was a woman of the former people—the Children of Israel. In doing so, he has given voice to a person that may have been perceived by the generations as being unworthy of mention.

Secondly, we must ask ourselves: why does he ﷺ do this? What is it about this woman that made her mention so great and worthy of our time? So much so that I am sitting here today relating it hundreds of years later?

It was what she did—her act. An act that stemmed from a place of selflessness, a place of mercy.

She used the means she had—in this case, her shoe—to nourish a thirsty dog that was on the verge of death. Clearly this was an unsolicited act; the dog did not ask her, nor was she asking for anything in return from it. Instead, she put in the effort to extend the dog mercy, compassion, and life. This is amazing, considering that human beings may have possibly denied her these things due to her “profession”. She gave to an animal what others could not or would not give to her.

And what did this earn her? Forgiveness from her Lord. Paradise. Regardless of the fact that she was a prostitute, it was this act alone that elevated her from amongst her people.

From this story, I derive five major points:

1. Do not belittle deeds

I wonder how many people had walked past that dog ignoring it completely. Maybe they viewed it as unworthy of their time or help. Yet she was able to identify its need and take part in a seemingly small act which led to a mighty reward. We should never overlook the small deeds like picking up litter or smiling at your neighbor. What we view as small may be great in the sight of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exhalted is He).

2. His mercy encompasses your sins

She was a prostitute engaged in a major sin in the eyes of Allah (swt). And yet He forgave her, just like that. This is easy for Allah (swt). Don’t ever lose hope in the mercy of Allah: He is Ar-Rahman (the Merciful), after all! Yes, your sins may be great, but his mercy is far greater. Indeed:

Narrated Abu Huraira (ra): The Prophet ﷺ said, “When Allah created the Creation, He wrote in His Book—and He wrote (that) about Himself, and it is placed with Him on the Throne–‘Verily My Mercy overcomes My Anger.'” (Sahih al-Bukhari, 7404)

Subhan’Allah (glory to God).

3. Stop judging others negatively

This speaks for itself. We never know the rank that someone has in the sight of Allah (swt). Our problem is that we judge based on the exterior; we lack the ability to peer into another’s soul. But He can. And that’s why when we see our brother and sister, whether in faith or humanity, engaged in some type of sin, we make excuses for them, pray for them, and BE there for them. Besides, who are we to judge others just because they sin differently from ourselves? Leave the judging to The Judge.

4. The Standard of Allah (swt)

Last weekend one of my shuyukh (religious scholars) mentioned something very interesting: he said that it is scary to consider that on the Day of Judgment, Allah (swt) will reward/punish us according to His own standard. That is, the deeds that we were very pleased with in this life may mean very little in the next. Likewise, the deeds that we neglected or brushed off as unimportant may very well be the ones that mean the most. Reflect on this and prioritize.

5. The importance of animal rights in Islam

Another reason why I love this narration is because it highlights a very important aspect that we Muslims often neglect or belittle: animal rights. Now, this could be due to our culture and/or upbringing; indeed, in many societies, animals are greatly looked down upon or not even noticed at all! We need to change this way of thinking. We need to honor animals, for they, too, are a creation of Allah (swt). They do not deserve our abuse and neglect. They have feelings; they know.

I hope this reflection has opened your minds in new ways. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what your sin is, do not ever forget that your Lord is ever watching and considering. Do not ever forget that your deeds, both good and bad, are being recorded and that one day, you will be judged according to them.

And lastly do not ever forget to be human. Extend your humanity to all people and all animals. For it is from this extension of your humanity that you may find the forgiveness and mercy that matters the most, His.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Aside: May Allah (swt) be pleased with Abu Hurayra; through my research for this piece, I kept finding ahadith (narrations) that were narrated by him. And fittingly, his nickname is “Abu Hurayra” or “Father of the Kitten” because he used to keep a kitten in his sleeve. An animal activist from among the Companions, may Allah (swt) be pleased with them all.

Photo: Martin Heigan

In the past week or so, I have had a number of mini-revelations about myself that has led to an ultimate one: I want to be a woman of Allah. A woman of God.

What does that mean?

For me, and at this point in my life, it means that I want to live for my Creator (and He is free of all need). Why? Because up until now, everything else that I have lived for has brought me some type of misery.

I have lived for the material world and found myself both over and underwhelmed by the facade that exists behind its attractive exterior.

I have lived for people and been betrayed, let down, hurt, taken advantage of, neglected, under-appreciated and belittled.

I have lived for attention and the sake of pleasing those around me, only to be left feeling unlovable, never good enough, and unable to be everything for everyone.

I have lived for my emotions only to become intoxicated and disillusioned by both fleeting moments of perceived happiness, and horrifying depths of despair and darkness.

I have lived for my lowly, base, and carnal desires only to feel ashamed at my lack of self-control, determination, and will-power.

I have finally come to understand that living for the sake of anything except Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He), will never fill the many voids that reside in my heart and instead, only create more. I have come to realize that I was attempting to medicate with poison; that I was stubbornly trying to fill a hole in my heart with things that would – and could – never complete me. With the temporary. The finite.

And yet, at the very realization that my heart could only be filled with the infinite love, remembrance, compassion, mercy, and blessings that come only from my Lord, my heart began to swell as the voids were steadily filled.

Reading these words may lead you to believe that I have reached some metaphorical illumination or level of enlightenment. But the truth is, I say these words knowing very well that I am a sinner. That I self-sabotage on my journey to Him by constantly disobeying His commands and neglecting my duties towards Him. I say these words as someone who has acknowledged their short comings, and who seeks to better themselves in whatever capacity they can. I say this as someone who is slowly, but surely, on a journey to self-realization, acceptance, and (insha’Allah) true love.

I say this as a young woman living in a world that she does not truly feel she belongs in. As a young woman searching for the divine while attempting to make peace with herself and her demons. As a young woman who has looked for love in the wrong corners and has now turned to the very source of it. No, not turned, but ran. Sprinted. For this transformation that she has felt herself undergoing is one of urgency, driven by the lack of satisfaction with the dunya (this life), devils, and desires.

It’s funny because when we think of a person of God, a certain caricature pops into our minds – typically someone who embodies humanity’s ideals of upright character, morals, and ethics: a monk, or ascetic. Someone who has completely given up the world and what it contains.

However, I do not fit this caricature whatsoever. In fact, none of us do. Which is why, and beautifully so, that a person of God may be recognizable only to God Himself. To the rest of the world, they may simply be “so and so”. But to Allah (swt), they may be someone who has attained His mercy, nearness, and blessings; His love and guidance and pleasure.

Becoming a woman of God, for me, ultimately means establishing a connection to my Creator so strong, that nothing – no circumstance, person, material, mood, or ideology – can come between us. It means that I seek my ultimate counsel, friendship, nearness, love, hope, trust, fear, companionship, acceptance, and reliance from Him first and foremost. Being a woman of God means that I have taken the following hadith to heart and strive to become the one about whom Allah (swt) says:

“When I love [them] I am [their] hearing with which [they] hear, [their] seeing with which [they] see, [their] hand with which [they] strike and [their] foot with which [they] walk.” (Bukhari) ((Although the (English) translation of this hadith uses “he”, it applies to both genders, hence why I replaced “he” with “they”. Wallahu a`lam (and God knows best).))

It also means that my empowerment comes from Him alone. Not society, fashion, billboards, magazines, or false, unattainable standards. But from the One who is the Most Just. From the One who will accept me regardless of my appearance or flaws. From the One who will look at my heart and judge of its soundness and sincerity.

As whimsical, far-reached, unattainable or even pretentious as it sounds, this is what I ultimately want for myself. To become a woman of God. To give my whole heart, the entire fabric of my being, the intricacies of my essence and the fibers of my soul to Him, and Him alone.

May He make it possible for me, and you as well – Ameen.

And Allah (swt) knows best.