In the past week or so, I have had a number of mini-revelations about myself that has led to an ultimate one: I want to be a woman of Allah. A woman of God.
What does that mean?
For me, and at this point in my life, it means that I want to live for my Creator (and He is free of all need). Why? Because up until now, everything else that I have lived for has brought me some type of misery.
I have lived for the material world and found myself both over and underwhelmed by the facade that exists behind its attractive exterior.
I have lived for people and been betrayed, let down, hurt, taken advantage of, neglected, under-appreciated and belittled.
I have lived for attention and the sake of pleasing those around me, only to be left feeling unlovable, never good enough, and unable to be everything for everyone.
I have lived for my emotions only to become intoxicated and disillusioned by both fleeting moments of perceived happiness, and horrifying depths of despair and darkness.
I have lived for my lowly, base, and carnal desires only to feel ashamed at my lack of self-control, determination, and will-power.
I have finally come to understand that living for the sake of anything except Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala (exalted is He), will never fill the many voids that reside in my heart and instead, only create more. I have come to realize that I was attempting to medicate with poison; that I was stubbornly trying to fill a hole in my heart with things that would – and could – never complete me. With the temporary. The finite.
And yet, at the very realization that my heart could only be filled with the infinite love, remembrance, compassion, mercy, and blessings that come only from my Lord, my heart began to swell as the voids were steadily filled.
Reading these words may lead you to believe that I have reached some metaphorical illumination or level of enlightenment. But the truth is, I say these words knowing very well that I am a sinner. That I self-sabotage on my journey to Him by constantly disobeying His commands and neglecting my duties towards Him. I say these words as someone who has acknowledged their short comings, and who seeks to better themselves in whatever capacity they can. I say this as someone who is slowly, but surely, on a journey to self-realization, acceptance, and (insha’Allah) true love.
I say this as a young woman living in a world that she does not truly feel she belongs in. As a young woman searching for the divine while attempting to make peace with herself and her demons. As a young woman who has looked for love in the wrong corners and has now turned to the very source of it. No, not turned, but ran. Sprinted. For this transformation that she has felt herself undergoing is one of urgency, driven by the lack of satisfaction with the dunya (this life), devils, and desires.
It’s funny because when we think of a person of God, a certain caricature pops into our minds – typically someone who embodies humanity’s ideals of upright character, morals, and ethics: a monk, or ascetic. Someone who has completely given up the world and what it contains.
However, I do not fit this caricature whatsoever. In fact, none of us do. Which is why, and beautifully so, that a person of God may be recognizable only to God Himself. To the rest of the world, they may simply be “so and so”. But to Allah (swt), they may be someone who has attained His mercy, nearness, and blessings; His love and guidance and pleasure.
Becoming a woman of God, for me, ultimately means establishing a connection to my Creator so strong, that nothing – no circumstance, person, material, mood, or ideology – can come between us. It means that I seek my ultimate counsel, friendship, nearness, love, hope, trust, fear, companionship, acceptance, and reliance from Him first and foremost. Being a woman of God means that I have taken the following hadith to heart and strive to become the one about whom Allah (swt) says:
“When I love [them] I am [their] hearing with which [they] hear, [their] seeing with which [they] see, [their] hand with which [they] strike and [their] foot with which [they] walk.” (Bukhari)1
It also means that my empowerment comes from Him alone. Not society, fashion, billboards, magazines, or false, unattainable standards. But from the One who is the Most Just. From the One who will accept me regardless of my appearance or flaws. From the One who will look at my heart and judge of its soundness and sincerity.
As whimsical, far-reached, unattainable or even pretentious as it sounds, this is what I ultimately want for myself. To become a woman of God. To give my whole heart, the entire fabric of my being, the intricacies of my essence and the fibers of my soul to Him, and Him alone.
May He make it possible for me, and you as well – Ameen.
And Allah (swt) knows best.
- Although the (English) translation of this hadith uses “he”, it applies to both genders, hence why I replaced “he” with “they”. Wallahu a`lam (and God knows best). [↩]
I love this mashaAllah and it absolutely resonates with me. BarakAllahu feek, may Allah enable you to continue writing and continue inspiring others, ameen! <3
Ameen!! Jazakillahu khayr, Amatullah!
Jazakallah Khairan for your thoughts, intentions and this beautiful article. May Allah guide us all to live and die as His women and men..
Tears! Tears! I was spiritually moved. Indeed that is the greatest victory for all of us to be Loved by Al-Waduud. May He grant us with a gift to be The definition of a true believing women ameen. My sister may you be enveloped with His love all the way to Your true Home In shaa Allah may it be nothing less than Alfirdouse! May the angels ascend and wrap their wings above you just as they do for the people of sham! May you cry out of joy and say to all us on the day of judgement ” verily I persevered to be a God conscious woman, read my book! I am with the Company of Allah! in shaa Allah ameen ameen ameen!
MASHA ALLAH sister!!.. jazakallahu khair for this article. .one of the best works I have read…totally resonates with my thoughts… I too want to be a women of GOD… may Allah swt give us the guidence and ability..
I converted nine years ago in August this year and when I think back to the way I was at the beginning of this, Insh’Allah, life journey I cannot believe that I am the same person. I have not found the journey easy, but as far as I feel that is the point, the trials are difficult but the rewards, you cannot measure these. I pray that we all continue to work towards the ultimate, the hereafter, whilst attempting to be good Muslims in this world. Allah (swt) knows best and to him we return.
Jazakallah sister for your open and honest thoughts. This is the first time I have ever left my comments on any forum, but I had to as I was so moved by your article. You write on behalf of many many Muslim sisters out there.
When I started to read the first few sentences I thought “she’s writing my exact thoughts and struggles!” and encouragingly read on. Reading some of the comments above- looks like you are not alone in such thoughts. I pray that Allah (swt) gives you and all of us the strength to continue on our journey, as lonely and isolating as it may feel sometimes, may our drive and strength never falter, and if it does, well that is the nature of imaan- so forgive ourselves and continue to strive in our goals!
My thoughts exactly.
Ameen sister, thuma Ameen. May Allah swt make it easy for you and I and all sisters of this perfect deen.
My heart finds contentment with my Rabb and there’s nothing I love more to be close to my creator than anything else in this world. But day by day I’m finding it harder and harder to live by what I believe in. Battling the struggles of life appears to be an everlasting task.
May Allah guide us, forgive us and make the road to becoming better Muslims an easier one.
Also would like to add another thought. I believe these women are very rare. A woman of piety should be cherished, Women with good character boost your imaan. May Allah bless all women of the deen! They are half of humanity and they raise the other half. We can learn so much from good women, soft hearts leave sweet words to whomsoever they touch.
Personally I believe a huge part of the broken communities we see everywhere today are because we are lacking in these good women. Good, strong, decent women raise pious children, that is where the newer generations are failing. They cannot love (for the sake of Allah) themselves nor others.
Duas for all blessed women of the Ummah, may Allah keep us steadfast.
Indeed the pious ones are the few and few, but they exist, like speckled stars across the skies. Little they might be. but they exist and one can indeed see them.
Nice analogy sir hyde. Like speckled stars across the sky are the pious indeed.
No matter what happens in this life, He will always be here for us.
Alhamdulillah, and thank you, sister for a great article. A good reminder for me. Tears are in my eyes but for a good reason.
May Allah bless us all.
Subhanallah..thank you for this.i was almost disappointed by an event justa moment ago. Your words pulled me back to the reality that we need to only live for Him n Rasullulah pbuh. Whuts the point driving a Ferrari..whuts the point of showing the wealth of life when the basic fardhu as a Muslim is neglected. Barakallah sister..may HE bless you in life n thereafter.
Amazing article, Sr. Ubah!
I think you really captured what so many of us are striving for.
As a fellow Muslima who is also struggling to be a woman of God, I must say the journey is not easy…but Allah is always there.
Shaitan/our Nafs are always lurking, often in places where we least expect it – trying to push us off the path, and often succeeding – Allah in His tremendous Mercy always accepts us back, though :)!
When we start on the path, we find that old friends/family don’t really understand what we are doing. But, if no one else understands you, Allah always does!
We will be tested to see if we can give up for His sake what is really near and dear to us…and if we can do it without complaining…But if we turn to Allah is our duas, He will give us something better.
I comfort myself through the tests knowing that life is a test – that our profession of faith is not enough, it must be proven through our deeds.
May Allah ease and bless our journey towards Him!
Our profession of faith is not enough -has to be proven through our deeds. Indeed you have spoken true words 🙂
Awesome realisation. Has content that is down to earth with humility and acceptance of our faults. Rightly acknowleding that we are not perfect but only have God’s guidance and mercy to rely on. “Whoever submits his whole self to Allah, and is a doer of good, has grasped indeed the most trustworthy hand-hold: and with Allah rests the End and Decision of (all) affairs.” (31:22)
Masha Allah, a reminder for me too, may Allah make it easy for more muslimahs to live only for Allah, ameen. The quran has already told us that Only in d remembrance of Allah can men find peace, may we all find peace in life, ameen. Jazakallahu khair for this nice piece sister
What an awesome article. It captured everything I as a young woman have been going through. This article couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Thank you sincerely from my heart. Will truly cherish this article and pull it up as a constant reminder to myself!
MashaAllah! May Allah make us ‘women of God’. Ameen. Jazakillah khayran sister for such a beautiful share.
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