Why Do People Have to Leave Each Other? Part I | Part II

When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting inside a masjid and a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me: “Why do people have to leave each other?” The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen for me.

I was one to get attached.

Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set in motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall-out with a friend shattered me. I couldn’t let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments—even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

But the problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.

Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an 2: 256)

There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.

But this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even traveling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment—unsuccessfully—in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.

And that’s exactly where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void. So it was no wonder that the little girl in my dream asked me this question. It was a question about loss, about disappointment. It was a question about being let down. A question about seeking something and coming back empty handed. It was about what happens when you try to dig in concrete with your bare hands: not only do you come back with nothing—you break your fingers in the process. And I learned this not by reading it, not by hearing it from a wise sage. I learned it by trying it again, and again, and again.

And so, the little girl’s question was essentially my own question…being asked to myself.

Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today, and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are made to seek, love, and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that is both perfect and eternal. So the yearning for that type of life is a part of our being. The problem is that we try to find that here. And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on—in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not, and will never be.

And that’s why if we live in dunya with our hearts, it breaks us. That’s why this dunya hurts. It is because the definition of dunya, as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to yearn for. Allah put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is eternal and perfect. By trying to find fulfillment in what is fleeting, we are running after a hologram…a mirage. We are digging into concrete with our bare hands. Seeking to turn what is by its very nature temporary into something eternal is like trying to extract from fire, water.  You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in dunya, only when we stop trying to make the dunya into what it is not—and was never meant to be (jannah)—will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.

We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.

And pain is a pointer to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain is where our false attachments lie. And it is those things which we are attached to as we should only be attached to Allah which become barriers on our path to God. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is anything about our condition that we don’t like, there is a divine formula to change it. God says: “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an, 13:11)

After years of falling into the same pattern of disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound. I had always thought that love of dunya meant being attached to material things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love of dunya just did not apply to me. What I didn’t realize was that people, moments, emotions are all a part of dunya. What I didn’t realize is that all the pain I had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of dunya.

As soon as I began to have that realization, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this endeavor: making the dunya into jannah. This meant expecting people around me to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in *where* I was placing those expectations and that hope. At the end of the day, my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.

And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. An ayah began to cross my mind. It was an ayah I had heard before, but for the first time I realized that it was actually describing me:  “Those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present, and those who heed not Our Signs.” (Qur’an, 10:7)

By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope was not in my meeting with God. My hope was in dunya. But what does it mean to place your hope in dunya? How can this be avoided? It means when you have friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God.

Seek the help of people—but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73).  And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)

But how does Prophet Ibrahim (as) describe his journey to that point? He studies the moon, the sun and the stars and realizes that they are not perfect. They set.

They let us down.

So Prophet Ibrahim (as) was thereby led to face Allah alone. Like him, we need to put our full hope, trust, and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.

We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing? In the statement of Abu Bakr is a deep illustration of this truth. After the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ died, the people went into shock and could not handle the news. But although no one loved the Prophet ﷺ like Abu Bakr, Abu Bakr understood well the only place where one’s dependency should lie. He said: “If you worshipped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if you worshipped Allah, know that Allah never dies.”

To attain that state, don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with God. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13). And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Looking back at the dream I had when I was 17, I wonder if that little girl was me. I wonder this because the answer I gave her was a lesson I would need to spend the next painful years of my life learning. My answer to her question of why people have to leave each other was: “because this life isn’t perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?”

Originally published in November 2011

Question: Is marital rape allowed in Islam?

Answer: As salaamu alaykum,

Thank you for asking this important question which has come to the fore in recent times, and which has been the cause of confusion for many people. Here are some important points to take into consideration when learning about this issue:

• It is absolutely haram (unlawful) for a man to harm his wife. The Prophet ﷺ prohibited harming others in general,¹ and intensified that prohibition for harming other believers.² If one is taught to hold ordinary people – with whom one shares no special relationship – in such sanctity, then what of the person one is linked to in the “weighty, serious bond” of marriage (Qur’an 4:21); who is one’s “garment” (2:187), and who lives under one’s ri’aaya, care and shepherdship, as mentioned in a prophetic tradition?³ Allah has described marriage as a relationship of kindness, mercy and love (30:21), and commands men to deal with their wives in an honorable way (4:19). Rape, abuse, ill treatment, and inflicting harm – be it physical, verbal or psychological – are completely unacceptable in such a relationship.
• It is true that the contract of marriage grants a husband the right to intimacy with his wife, and vice versa, however, this does not imply that one can seek to obtain this right violently or forcefully. Just as in any situation in which one has been deprived of one’s due rights, one must go through the proper channels to resolve the matter in a just and honorable way. At no time does it become permissible for someone to take it upon themselves to harm the other party in a misguided attempt to ‘take their right’. This would amount to a type of vigilantism or seeking of personal vengeance that has no place in Islamic tradition, in which we are taught to defer such disputes to those with religious and legal authority. This is clearly indicated in the words of the great scholar Taqi al-Din al-Subki, in his commentary on some verses of the Qur’an related to marriage:

“At the time when it becomes obligatory for a husband to provide financial support, clothing, (and other such provisions) for his wife, he should exert himself in doing so, and not be negligent in this duty such that his wife would have to file a complaint of his negligence with the judge [haakim], and in so doing spend from her own expenditures. …Similarly, a wife should be responsive to her husband’s request for intimacy, such that he would not need to bring a complaint (against her) to the judge, and in so doing spend from his own expenditures.”⁴

From these statements we see that a husband’s or wife’s proper recourse, when confronted with a marital issue they are unable to resolve, is to turn to the appropriate authority for guidance and direction. Violence or force of any kind is not an option.

• People often defend such behavior by citing prophetic traditions that strongly discourage women from refusing their husbands if they approach them for intimacy. While these texts underscore the importance of a wife fulfilling her spouse’s sexual needs (a reminder the Prophet ﷺ gave to men in a number of statements as well,⁵) they cannot be used to justify force. One such text goes on to describe the husband as one who, after being refused, “goes to bed angry.”⁶ If it were truly acceptable for a man to force himself on his wife, why wasn’t such an act mentioned here as a viable alternative to his wife’s refusal?
• Some people also seek to confuse this issue by citing the verses in the Qur’an that outline a disciplinary method of dealing with a wife who is nashiz.^{7 8} These verses are probably among the most misunderstood, misused and misapplied of the Qur’an in our times, and must be understood in their proper exegetical context. Since an in-depth explanation of these verses is beyond the scope of this article, it will be sufficient to state that darb – which is often translated as ‘to strike lightly or tap’ – has been strictly defined by our scholars and has numerous restrictions and conditions.⁹ From among them is that it is done in a manner that would not cause humiliation or harm to the person, and that it is only done when it is a means of helping reconcile between the spouses, and is not a cause of resentment, enmity or hatred between them.¹⁰ It is impossible for such verses – whether looked at lexically, exegetically, or otherwise – to be used to excuse violent or forced sexual relations with one’s wife. Dr. Jamal Badawi succinctly rejects these types of false claims by stating,

“Any excess, cruelty, family violence, or abuse committed by any Muslim can never be traced, honestly, to any revelatory text (Qur’an or hadith). Such excesses and violations are to be blamed on the person(s) himself, as it shows that they are paying lip service to Islamic teachings and injunctions and failing to follow the true Sunnah of the Prophet.”¹¹

• Though marital rape would not warrant a hadd punishment¹² in accordance to Shari`ah, this in no way means that such an act is acceptable or that it would go unpunished by an Islamic court. Some people mistakenly believe that the hadd punishments are the only ones that exist in Islamic law, but that is not the case.  Even if an act does not fall into one of the specified categories for hadd punishment, a qadi [judge] still has the right to punish the person with imprisonment, corporal punishment (lashing), or anything else he deems suitable for the situation, the crime committed and the guilty individual (which is called zajr or ta’zeer).¹³ Some scholars even state that a wife who has been assaulted in such a manner by her spouse has the right to jirah, or civil redress, for her injuries.¹⁴
• Some scholars condemn such an assault as sinful and despicable while at the same time deeming it inappropriate to be labeled as ‘rape’. This is because of the presumption of consent implicit in the legal contract of marriage. It is important to note that such statements are not intended to condone the behavior, but are simply an expression of legal exactness. When taking such a case into consideration, scholars would not base a punishment on the sexual act itself, but on the harms, both psychological and physical, that stem from it. Such an assault – however it is labeled – is still considered by scholars to be unacceptable, sinful, and susceptible to punishment.
• If a man finds his wife unreceptive to his overtures of intimacy, he should put in some effort to be attentive, affectionate, and kind to his wife, and to fulfill the numerous recommendations the Prophet ﷺ made in regards to intimacy. Such problems may also be symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship that need to be resolved. One should always take an introspective, constructive, and proactive approach to dealing with problems, focusing first on how one can change one’s own behavior to improve the situation, instead of simply blaming the other party or seeking to ‘punish’. It may also be necessary to seek counseling and advice from others who have expertise in these matters.
• An individual who engages in assault and abuse of any kind, especially towards family members, shows signs of underlying psychological problems that need to be treated. There is no level of frustration, anger, or overwhelming grievances – no matter how legitimate they may seem – that pardons such dehumanizing and callous behavior.

I hope these points have shed some light on this issue, and have made it clear that marital rape is not allowed or condoned by our deen, and is in fact a sinful act that a person can be held accountable for in this life, before the hereafter. In the very first verse in the chapter of the Qur’an entitled “Women”, Allah Most High warns us to be fearful of Him in demanding our rights upon each other. He in fact warns us to be fearful of Him twice in this verse, a sign of the seriousness with which we should take such matters:

“O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from a single soul and created from it its mate, and dispersed from both of them countless men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you demand your mutual rights, and (reverence) the wombs that bore you: Indeed Allah is ever, over you, an Observer.” (Qur’an, 4:1)

In conclusion, the Prophet ﷺ taught, “Only a noble man treats women in an honorable manner and only an ignoble man of low character treats women disgracefully.”¹⁵ May Allah make us people of noble character, who fear God in our dealings with others and who weigh our deeds and words well before they are weighed for us on the Day of Judgment.

Allah knows best.

By Mariam Ahmed

When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce, I remember feeling like my life was coming to an end. I could feel the physical pain of grief and anxiety over what my life would now look like. I kept thinking to myself, why didn’t I act upon the obvious red flags I saw prior to marrying this man? It’s not like his actions or behavior was completely different from the person I was getting to know. But I wanted to marry him so much that I ignored so many things that were not only important to me in my future spouse, but what I discovered further down the road, are also destructive to a marriage. How was I going to move on or meet someone new?

Now that I have moved on and am considering marriage again, what actions should not be tolerated in a marriage, and how can one save their marriage if they are going down a road of destruction? In this piece, I came up with a few FAQs that I remember wanting answers to post-divorce. I have also had discussions with close friends and family who also experienced a divorce about these very questions.

These questions were answered by Marriage and Family Therapists Amal Killawi and Nadia M. Bazzy.

1. What are some red flags a person should look out for in their marriage?

Some red flags to look for in a marriage include hidden bank accounts, secret online identities, a major change in your spouse’s schedule that was not communicated, and new behaviors like drinking, gambling, pornography, and drug use. It is also equally important to look for red flags in how the relationship is functioning. Turning away during conflict, withdrawal, yelling, not resolving issues, anger, and resentment are all signs of relationship breakdown.

2. What are some things that are “unforgivable” and should not be tolerated in a marriage?

Every marriage is different, and each person will determine what he/she is willing to tolerate in a relationship. Some situations may warrant a divorce because it is healthier for the family. For example, in cases of physical or emotional abuse, it is rare for a marriage to survive without major rehabilitation of the perpetrator, and it is usually safest to leave the relationship. Some marriages can heal from major challenges such as infidelity, substance abuse, gambling, and porn addiction, but it will ultimately depend on the willingness of the partner engaging in these behaviors to receive professional counseling and on the level of support, emotional stability, and commitment to the marriage.

3. What are some things you can do if your spouse is asking for a divorce and you do not want one?

Ideally the person who wants a divorce should be able to name and identify the breakdown in the marriage that is prompting them to ask for a divorce. Many times, couples go to a few sessions of counseling to decide if they want to stay together or not. A couple may attempt to separate before they divorce to see if they feel differently about divorce. Many people express that they want a divorce because they are flooded with overwhelming emotions that they cannot work through. Oftentimes, couples counseling can help establish new patterns. While you may want to stay married, you also have to ask: How are you helping the marriage stay together? Change has to occur for the couple to survive.

4. How long and how much should you keep trying to reconcile? When do you stop trying? What should you do if your spouse is not open to couples’ therapy?

Does saying no allow you to have more agency in your relationship and create a power struggle? If your partner does not want to be married to you and is unwilling to attend couples counseling or seek out third-party help, it is best to ask yourself: What you are trying to hang on to? What are you afraid of? Address the fear of the divorce process.

Does your partner say they only want a divorce in the heat of an argument? Often, one partner feels “done” with the relationship but is really just done with the patterns in the relationship that are not fulfilling his or her needs. If that pattern can be addressed, the couple can overcome the situation.

Some people choose to seek individual counseling, and through that, make personal changes in their relationship that may as a consequence, encourage their partner to stay in the marriage. Some people may request their partner to participate in at least one session. Others may seek friends, family members, and/or community leaders to encourage their partner to seek couples counseling. Ultimately, change cannot be forced, but rather has to come from within. No one can force another person to remain in a marriage, and there is no timeline for reconciliation. If your partner is adamant about divorce and is not willing to reconcile, then you do your best to separate in kindness and seek support to heal through the divorce.

5. If your ex-spouse keeps reaching out to you and wants to maintain communication but does not want to return to the marriage, why might they be doing that and what are ways to stop it? Can exes maintain a friendship?

It is not uncommon for people to want to maintain a friendship after the marriage. While it is rare, it is still possible and healthiest if there are children. The Qur’an instructs us to deal with each other in a kind and civil manner. However, there are different types of communication. If they are reaching out with intimate communication, that is a boundary issue and should not be tolerated. You need to say no, and mean no. If they are reaching out in a friendly way that is respectful, it is your personal preference at that point to maintain a relationship or not. Some people find it emotionally difficult to continue a relationship with an ex for many reasons—inability to deal with the separation, dependency on the partner, and hope that they will get back together. Note that being friendly and able to communicate after a divorce does not mean that you can manage being married!

6. What are some things a person can do to help with the difficulty of divorce and the pain?

Healing from a divorce is a journey that will take time. It is important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but also not lose sight of the big picture. Your life does not end with divorce. Divorce may provide you with an opportunity to make changes in your life, to embark on new adventures, and to grow personally and spiritually. Seek support from family and friends, solace in prayer, and challenge yourself to learning something new. Counseling can also be helpful in your healing process.

7. Should you share with a potential suitor about your divorce? When and how much do you share?

You are in charge of what you share about your previous marriage. You may prefer to share openly from the beginning of the courtship or wait until you get to know them more and feel a sense of trust. However, it is important that a potential suitor knows that you were married. If you do not share, you will be keeping a secret, and secrets are a sign that there is distrust in the relationship—which can eventually lead to breakdown of the relationship. It is easiest if someone is aware upfront that you are divorced. This will establish trust and demonstrate that your potential suitor is aware of the situation and willing to work through it. Also, often times there are multiple connections with the person that you are divorced from if there are children, or if the person was from within the family or community.

You should be able to successfully identify why your marriage ended. This is a sign that you have the needed insight to move into a new relationship. If you are afraid of being rejected by a potential suitor because you were divorced, that is an issue that you will need to work through.

8. How soon after a divorce should you consider remarriage?

It is important to not use a new relationship to heal the hurt and pain of the last relationship. This is dangerous, as it sets you and your new partner up for failure. Additionally, the chance of divorce in a new relationship increases if there was a previous divorce. Divorce is a form of loss, even if divorcing was for the best.

It is normal to experience a range of emotions after divorce including depression, anxiety, loneliness, and identity confusion. Many people remark that they need to focus on themselves, rebuild self-confidence, heal the hurts of the last relationship, gain perspective, and learn new relationship skills. Often times, people can be attracted to a personality type that is unhealthy for them, so it is important to identify this before you move on to the next relationship so that the pattern can be broken. You will know you are ready to move on when you have created new insights from your last relationship, are no longer wondering “what if” when you think about the last relationship, are emotionally stable, and have healed from the pains of divorce. If you are asking: “Am I ready?” it is important to press the pause button, and ask, “How will I know when I’m ready?”

9. How soon should you introduce your children to a potential marriage prospective?

There is no standard timeline, but a sudden remarriage can be difficult for children to accept. Children will need time to deal with their parents separating, changes in their life as a result of the divorce, as well as feelings about the divorce. Introduce a potential slowly and communicate openly with your children about their feelings with this new person in your life.

Some helpful resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/divorce

http://muslimvillage.com/2013/03/26/37555/islamic-divorce-is-separation-with-kindness/

Nadia M. Bazzy is a Limited Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LLMFT) and holds a M.A. in Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding with a concentration in Psycho-Social Recovery. She specializes in couples and family therapy and maintains a private practice in Novi, Michigan.

Amal Killawi is a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Michigan, where she is also currently pursuing a Certification in Sexual Health. She is also a researcher focused on addressing health disparities among American Muslims and providing patients with culturally-competent care. As a community activist, Amal serves on the board of several non-profits, particularly focused on cultural competence, mental health, marriage and family life education, social services, and youth empowerment. She has been involved with the Muslim Students’ Association at the local, regional, and national levels. Amal formally contributes to the Virtual Mosque VMCounselors advice column designed to answer readers’ personal questions.

Dealing with Divorce Series: Part I |Part II | Part III | Part IV

Getting through your `iddah (post-divorce waiting period) is probably one of the most challenging experiences a woman may endure in her life. Whether or not you were the one who initiated the divorce, it can be a time of much confusion. You may second-guess your decision, you may be trying to reconcile with your husband, or you might find yourself in complete isolation. I personally was trying to reconcile, and it was a very difficult time because I could not get myself to accept that, for him, it was final. I found myself constantly reaching out, thinking of a solution, reliving the good, blaming myself for the bad, and in retrospect, all of what I did only held me back from my own healing and moving on.

I would try speaking to friends and family, and I saw a therapist regularly. Seeing a therapist helped because it allowed me to process what happened, and I had a safe space where I could share my thoughts, feelings and emotions without the fear of being judged or misunderstood. However, the only thing I found true comfort in was salah (prayer). I had several friends around me at the time who were either going through a divorce or had been divorced for some time. I sought their advice, wisdom and tips on how to move on with my life. At times it felt good to know I was not alone, but other times, it only seemed to further ignite the emotions of how much I did not want to be going through what they were going through or had gone through. I tried so hard to do anything to fight “being divorced,” and I could not accept that I was indeed already divorced.

Going back to my comfort in salah. Many people’s iman (faith) fluctuates in life during normal circumstances and day-to-day challenges even without the agony of a divorce. So for someone dealing with such great loss in their life, your iman may and probably will be up and down. I had to accept that this was normal. With all the pain you feel on a daily basis, you want to hold on very tight to whatever brings you comfort, of course as long as it is healthy for you and enriches you as a person. Salah was my platform to speak my mind without worrying about anything. I spoke to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), five times a day, sometimes more. I would cry and pour my heart out. I still find myself making du`a’ (supplications) during my commute to and from work, especially on days when I feel defeated.

I remember the day I was divorced, I went to the masjid (mosque) to pray maghrib (evening prayer) and stayed for `isha (night prayer). I picked up the Qur’an and read the Chapter of Divorce. I had never really looked into the surah (chapter) in much detail before that day. And I came across this ayah (verse):

وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا

“And whosoever fears God and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out [from every difficulty].” (Qur’an, 65:2)

The `iddah is the stepping stone for you to prepare for your new life. If you and your spouse are able to reconcile on terms that work for both parties, then alhamdulilLah (praise be to God) that is a beautiful thing. In the chance that reconciliation does not seem to be an option, or if you or your spouse are firm on the decision to part ways, then you need to work on healing. Far too often, community members try to aide in the reconciliation, and they lose focus on what is actually best for the two people at hand. The “shame” that is associated with divorce, especially for women, has to come to an end, and the conversation needs to be shifted towards creating and maintaining healthy marriages and towards proper spousal selection.

Take the `iddah as your own “me” time. Busy yourself with work, school, a hobby, something you once wanted to do and never had the chance to. It sounds so cliché, and I hated when people would tell me to pick up a hobby—it actually used to make me very upset. But know that staying busy and having purpose is a huge part of keeping you sane and allowing you to move on. Having once shared your life with someone else and now not having that comfort is not an easy thing to endure. It takes time to get used to your new life. But you will get through it. And Allah (swt) will grant you better than what you lost. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. You may feel like your life has come to an end (some people even become physically ill from the heartache). Just know that Allah (swt) is All-Knowing and aware of every struggle, hardship and pain that is inflicted on you. He will provide when you least expect it. You will see that light once again.

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا

“And He will provide him from [sources] he could never imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in God, then He will suffice him. Verily, God will accomplish his purpose. Indeed God has set a measure for all things.” (Qur’an, 65:3)

And I leave you with my favorite du`a‘ (supplication), that I use during every raka`ah (prayer unit), after every salah or when I am just having a bad day.

Umm Salamah, radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her), reported that Allah’s Messenger ﷺ (may the peace and blessings of God be upon him), said:

“Whenever an affliction strikes a Muslim and he says, as Allah commanded him, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji`un. Allahumma ajirni fi musibati, wa akhlif li khayran minha—To Allah we belong, and to Him will we return. O Allah, reward me for my affliction and replace it for me with that which is better, Allah will then surely replace it for him with that which is better.”

اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي واخلفني خيرا منها

By Mariam Ahmed

One of the greatest challenges I have met with my divorce is letting go of my old life with my ex-husband. My issues with attachment are not something new. When I really like something or someone, I tend to hold onto them, even when this thing or person no longer serves a purpose in my life. My divorce made me realize how serious this problem was. When I was forced to pack my things into boxes and leave the home I shared with my husband, I found all the letters he ever gave me, the cards he wrote and even the sticky notes he used to leave me to thank me for packing him lunch. Naturally, this brought back the memories of happier days, and I wondered how we had ever reached the point we were in. But even more importantly, it made me realize how much I depended on these things; I refused to let go, probably in the hope that holding on would somehow change the course of events, that letting go of these things would make this divorce more real.

So it was at that moment that I decided I had to take the very uncomfortable step of letting go, of shedding that layer of pain, regret and worry. I had to leave all the memories, all the notes, pictures, cards and sticky notes behind. It took time, but slowly, I was able to take the steps I needed to move on. I began by throwing away all of the physical items. After a while, I got myself to get rid of the pictures. I went through my phone and laptop and deleted hundreds of pictures of our memories together. Surprisingly, it did not hurt to let go of these things, because I saw them as material things that held no value compared to the actual memories we had.

The hardest thing came last—deleting my ex-husband from all forms of social media and communication. It took me months to delete him off my Facebook account, even though he was never even active on Facebook. I was scared that somehow not having access to him would make our divorce more final (mind you, it already was). Then came all forms of chatting, texting and phone calls. It was a complete cleanse from anything and everything related to him. Emails, texts, and pictures… it all had to go. And this made me stronger. It was hard, but it was necessary. I realized it was the step I needed to take to come to a healthier and more level-headed state of mind. At the end of it, all I knew was that this was what Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has destined for me. To be in this very moment—be it pain or happiness—was written for me. And it was written for me because Allah (swt) knows I have the strength to get through it all.

By Mariam Ahmed

Photo: Martin Gommel

During any life experience, there are lessons learned and ways to take those lessons and turn them into a positive change in your life. After a divorce, you may find yourself reevaluating your entire relationship as far back to the first time you met or spoke to your former spouse. You will probably try to figure out where things went wrong, what you could have done better or differently, and why this is happening to you. Rest assured that all of these feelings are normal. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is normal to feel guilt, regret, and even anger, but as long as you take each and every one of those sentiments and turn them into something positive, this will help you move forward to your better and healthier self.

Below is a list of reading recommendations; books I came across that have helped me personally through my journey of going through a divorce.

1. The Qur’an: Remember in Islamic School when your teacher would ask the class what their favorite book was? More than half the students would say “the Qur’an” and you would roll your eyes thinking, “Oh, how original.” Well guess what, your favorite book is going to become the Qur’an, if it is not already. The Qur’an is your go-to book. The gems you will take away from each read will become more and more valuable during your journey, navigating through the emotions and the ups and downs of this experience. And my favorite lesson of all is that no matter how big your hardship may seem, Allah’s subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) mercy and graciousness are much bigger.
2. The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman: I appreciate this book a lot, because it allows you to recognize that each and every one of us expresses our love in different ways. Five love languages are explored and the way in which we expect to be loved and to give love are discussed. This might be a difficult read because you may wish you applied some of the lessons from the book to your own marriage, but just know that, insha’Allah, you will be able to apply them to your next. A healthier and happier marriage due to the many lessons learned.
3. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happed To You by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd: This is a great book and reference throughout your entire divorce and healing process. This book is an instructional guide of what to do and not to do during a breakup. I would find myself sitting in a park with a huge smile on my face because I realized that I was not alone in so many of the feelings and struggles I was going through. I particularly appreciate that this book teaches you to not be so hard on yourself, but to learn to love yourself and move forward to a much better you.
4. Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed: A great book to put things into perspective. Ustdha Yasmin truly nails it in this book as she describes the importance of our relationship with Allah (swt) and our struggle to rid our hearts of worldly things. And yes, even the people we love are considered worldly things. This is something most struggle with, but learning to turn to Allah (swt) at all times and to let your relationship with Him fill the void will arm you against disappointment when things do not go the way you expected.

What are some of your go-to books to help you get through this difficult time?

I leave you with a quote from Sheikh Omar Suleiman.

“Wake up knowing that Allah is greater than any obstacle you may face today.”

Dealing with Divorce Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Photo: hjhipster

This series has been created to provide a forum for American Muslims who are going through a divorce and are in need of a space with others going through the same struggle. If you are divorced or are currently in the process of one, you know how much it not only affects your emotional, physical and mental state of mind, but your spiritual one as well. If you often think: “Why is this happening to me?” “I never imagined myself to one day be divorced.” “What could have I done differently?” “Will anyone ever marry me now that I have the label of being divorced?” “Will I be able to trust someone again with my heart?” And many other like-minded questions, you are in the right place.

To start off, it’s fair to share a bit of my own story. Though I am choosing to stay anonymous through this process, I do feel we can relate to others when we realize our struggles are the same, and there is a sense of community and support available and within reach, even virtually.

I am a young American Muslim woman who like most girls dreamt of the day she would get married. I wouldn’t say I had the fairytale idea per say but I definitely couldn’t wait until I met the guy who I would be spending the rest of my life with. Sadly that came to an end not long after being married. I was left feeling inadequate and self-conscious about myself—as if I was being punished for something, and I was embarrassed and afraid of where my life was going. I became so paralyzed with fear that I was scared to move on with my life, because for the longest time I could not accept that this was actually happening to me. I fell into depression and found myself no longer able to enjoy the things I usually loved doing. I am still working through those emotions, and it’s a day-by-day process. Grief comes in phases; they are fluid, you go back and forth between them until one day you are able to not only live your “new” life but accept and enjoy it.

I leave with you this ayah (verse) that brings me much ease and so happens to be from Surah At-talaaq, the Chapter on Divorce from the Qur’an. It is no coincidence that this ayah is in its exact place.
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا

“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (65:3)

Hold on, don’t give up—this is not the end. Insha’Allah (God willing), this series will become a source of help for all those who struggle with divorce. There are so many different emotions, feelings, and experiences you will go through and you WILL get through them.

Photo: slimmer_jimmer

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV| Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII

We know about sappy love movies, where lovers have that star-dazed look in their eyes and are willing to do anything- anywhere- anytime- to be with their lover. Well, that does exist in Muslim marriages. And while the following narrative may not be possible for everyone because of time restrictions, every couple can do something special to go the extra mile and show their love.

And for those skeptics who may think this couple just got married yesterday and therefore are still head over heels for each other…. The writer mentioned they’ve been married for five years! May God increase their love with every day that passes!

Pay special attention to their conversation: He loves seeing her, and not only does she love to see him…she loves to see him because she knows Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), will be pleased with her and will reward her for making her husband happy.

Again, this little story does not have to be yours. But think: What can be your story?

“I don’t work on Tuesdays. I have the entire day to myself. My husband works an hour and a half away.

Every Tuesday, instead of sleeping in or whatever, I choose to drive out to my husband’s work and have lunch with him.

I love it because it means we spend more time together, alhamdulillah (praise be to God).

My husband sometimes feels bad that I have to drive so much just for lunch and says, ‘Don’t make it a necessity. Do it if you can. Of course, I look forward to Tuesdays because you come.’

To which I reply, ‘That’s it, that’s all I come for, because you look forward to it. Moreover, I get rewarded for making my husband happy.'”

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Photo: Brandice Schnabel

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV| Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII

Every person has a different marriage experience and sometimes, it may turn sour. When words of divorce are spoken, it can often lead to incredibly painful emotions. In this narrative, a woman describes the way she grappled with her emotions through patience and prayer, and what she realized about her husband, and her marriage, in the end.

“Leave…Go away…I have no feelings towards you! I am just waiting for the right time to divorce you!”

These were the words my husband spoke to me which sliced through my heart like a dagger.

We had a beautiful relationship and two sweet kids… What made him say this? Yes, life was not all too smooth. There had been many hitches… but did that lead to this?! I was shattered, my world shrunk, my soul constricted.

A thousand thoughts crossed my mind, searching for reasons, wanting answers… What he had said didn’t sound good enough. I was not convinced and I was not leaving. Anyway he had just threatened it, not actually divorced me. I didn’t have to leave. It was still my choice, and I chose to stay.

Over the days, I would ponder what caused this indifference. Not finding any answers, I would cry myself to sleep.

Meanwhile he was distant, uncompromising, never ever glancing towards me, so lost in his own devices. In a different world.

Days turned to weeks then to months and then years. I held on, reproached him, approached him, pleaded, distanced myself, shut out all emotions, prayed, lived mechanically.

Slowly the answers tumbled out: “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m in deep trouble, something which I can’t even discuss, something from which there’s no way out, at least from where I see it… I want you to be safe, the kids to be safe and happy and live.”

In the dead of the night, turning in prayer to his Lord, he would plant a kiss on my forehead not knowing I was aware, awake, that his every waking moment would stir me. He wanted me there as much as he wanted me to go away. But he could not think of any better solution. He felt there was no way out. Where he was headed towards seemed to be a one-way road.

Then it dawned so clear—this was the truth behind the facade. He actually loved me, loved the kids more than I could even imagine. So much so that he was willing to separate himself from us for our safety, our happiness, our lives. He knew I would not leave him, not abandon him out of fear, and hence chose to distance me, separate me.

AlhamdulilLah (praise be to God) my Lord is He who has power over all things.

I stayed on, held on, du`a’ (prayer) kept me going. AlhamdulilLah I got to experience that unflinching love, that selfless love of my hubby. I did not know what a marriage was when I got married. From my better half, I learned that it was all about taking responsibility and putting family first, against all odds.”

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Photo: Adam Hilliker

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV| Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI

Some of us have grandiose ideas of what romance is. Many of us have been programmed by popular culture to expect big gestures of love and passion and intimacy. However, when we take the time to appreciate the romance in consistent acts of love, such as mutual support in the home, the encouragement for all we take on outside, it allows us to look at romance in an entirely different, practical, possible, tangible way.

“I am not a car person. I don’t care what I drive. I don’t take care of my car. Which is the opposite of my husband. He is ‘married’ to his car; he takes care of it and always reminds me to take care of my car.

The worst part about it for me is filling up on gas. I always do it at the last minute, Monday morning—right before work!

It was Sunday night and my husband had to go out and he insisted on taking my car instead of his.

It was Monday morning the next day, and as usual I was rushing. My husband was also in a rush, but he told me, ‘Relax, don’t rush!’

We exchanged quick hugs and I was out the door. As I started the engine, to my surprise the gas tank was full!

Later that day when I talked to him, I said, ‘Thank you! That was really nice of you to fill my gas. But why were you rushing this morning?’

To which he replied, ‘I had to fill mine!’

He skipped filling out his own tank so that he could fill mine. Completely shocked, I told him, ‘You didn’t have to do that!’ He responded, ‘It is my duty!’”

Contrary to what we often hear, there are spouses who deeply, deeply care about their better half and would be willing to do anything to support them. The beautiful part of this story was not only the action of the husband, but the way in which the wife appreciated his action. This, dear readers, is real life romance.

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.