By Mariam Ahmed

One of the greatest challenges I have met with my divorce is letting go of my old life with my ex-husband. My issues with attachment are not something new. When I really like something or someone, I tend to hold onto them, even when this thing or person no longer serves a purpose in my life. My divorce made me realize how serious this problem was. When I was forced to pack my things into boxes and leave the home I shared with my husband, I found all the letters he ever gave me, the cards he wrote and even the sticky notes he used to leave me to thank me for packing him lunch. Naturally, this brought back the memories of happier days, and I wondered how we had ever reached the point we were in. But even more importantly, it made me realize how much I depended on these things; I refused to let go, probably in the hope that holding on would somehow change the course of events, that letting go of these things would make this divorce more real.

So it was at that moment that I decided I had to take the very uncomfortable step of letting go, of shedding that layer of pain, regret and worry. I had to leave all the memories, all the notes, pictures, cards and sticky notes behind. It took time, but slowly, I was able to take the steps I needed to move on. I began by throwing away all of the physical items. After a while, I got myself to get rid of the pictures. I went through my phone and laptop and deleted hundreds of pictures of our memories together. Surprisingly, it did not hurt to let go of these things, because I saw them as material things that held no value compared to the actual memories we had.

The hardest thing came last—deleting my ex-husband from all forms of social media and communication. It took me months to delete him off my Facebook account, even though he was never even active on Facebook. I was scared that somehow not having access to him would make our divorce more final (mind you, it already was). Then came all forms of chatting, texting and phone calls. It was a complete cleanse from anything and everything related to him. Emails, texts, and pictures… it all had to go. And this made me stronger. It was hard, but it was necessary. I realized it was the step I needed to take to come to a healthier and more level-headed state of mind. At the end of it, all I knew was that this was what Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has destined for me. To be in this very moment—be it pain or happiness—was written for me. And it was written for me because Allah (swt) knows I have the strength to get through it all.

Many of us pray for the perfect spouse and imagine him or her being a certain way. Sometimes, what we pray for becomes most apparent in difficult times. In this account, a wife talks about the ways in which real life has helped her and her husband grow in their beautiful relationship.

Photo: Danna

“My husband and I are from two different worlds literally and figuratively, and the thing that binds us together the most is Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) and our undeniable faith in Him (swt). After looking in America for two years, I decided to marry someone from “back home,” i.e. Pakistan. When we first got married, we realized what a huge adjustment it would be for both of us. We had kids right away when he came. He went to school here and got his degree from here, and I supported him financially all during the time that I was a new mother and the only thing I wanted to do was raise my precious firstborn full-time.

Under such circumstances many marriages rightfully take a back seat and the relationship crumbles. We had many big fights over those first few years. Every time we fought I made du`a’ (supplication) to Allah (swt) to make it better, and He did. Our fights never lasted more than a day, and one of us always ended up saying sorry. We couldn’t go to sleep without making up. Throughout our good times and hard times I discovered that I married a very caring and generous man. I also discovered that I needed to accept him for who he was and that I had many bad qualities that needed to be worked out if I was going to stand in front of my Creator on the Day of Judgment. His love for me is shown in always hiding my faults in front of others, in picking flowers for me on the way home from the masjid, in taking care of the kids and giving me some time off, in cleaning up a messy house and in always sharing with me his day to day dealings at work or with his friends. As time has passed we have gotten closer and now I can’t imagine not having him in my life. The kids have really served to bond us together and it warms my heart when our eldest wants to pray because he sees his father praying. Alhamdullilah (praise be to God)!

My husband is not perfect and has many faults, but I know inside there is a light of goodness that gets dim at times and at times shines brightly, and I am committed to stand by him throughout all those times. I used to make du`a’ to Allah (swt) for a pious, kind, gentle husband and now that Allah (swt) has given me a slave of His to love, I must remain thankful, for if I am thankful He will give me more. We just celebrated our five-year wedding anniversary, and I look forward to spending many more with him insha’ Allah (God-willing).”

Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.  

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit. 

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

 Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Photo: Reji K

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

By Anonymous

Different couples have different perspectives on marriage and what it’s really all about. Below are two different narratives from two different individuals on what marriage is to them:

Couple 1:

“Marriage is work. It’s sacrifice. It’s compromise.

I watch romantic comedies, and I think, “This is pure nonsense.”

Love is being there for your spouse, no matter what. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and I had temporarily lost my ability to walk. I saw a depth in my husband that I had no idea was there.

He visited me twice a day while I was in the hospital. We’d talk on the phone after, then he’d get our children ready for school, drop them off, and bring me breakfast before he went to work.

After work, he’d bring me dinner, walk with me in the hallways, encouraging me even when I was too physically tired to walk further. He’d leave to get the kids ready for bed and then call me again after `isha [the night prayer]. He’d bring the kids to see me every other day.

After my discharge from the hospital, he continued to encourage and support me while I was recovering from my illness. He doesn’t like biking, but I found that biking was helping me to regain my ability to walk, and I would drag him with me on 25-mile bike rides in the mountains every week while I was getting better. My disease continues to play like background music in our life, but he is so understanding, so patient, so thoughtful.

Songs and movies portray love as this steamy and passionate emotional tsunami. That may be true for the very beginning of a marriage, but love evolves as the years go by. In the course of that evolution, I’ve found love to be kind, practical, and gentle. Someone who doesn’t know you can’t love you in the way you need to be loved.”

Couple 2:

“AlhamduliLah (all praise and thanks to God) we have a blessed marriage. We can’t thank Allah enough for each other and our families. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years now. We don’t know what we would have done without each other. We feel like we have been married for 20+ years and sometimes we even tease each other about acting like an old couple.

My husband, may Allah bless him, always says, “Look, we are all humans. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. You bring peace and joy to my life. So, in times when I am upset, I try to remember the rest of the 99% when things were great, and I try to forgive you, so that Allah may forgive me on the day of Judgment. So you should also do the same.”

Anytime either one of us does something extra for the other, we remind each other not to and the other says, “It’s ok, I am doing this for the sake of Allah. So that Allah may be happy with us.”

We make du`a’ [prayer] for each other. We say things like, “May Allah be pleased with you. Grant you the highest level of Jannah [paradise] and fulfill all your wishes.” Though I have to admit that my husband does this a lot more often than I do.

When we are upset with each other, we remind each other that Satan is trying to come in between us, and the one who is upset rushes to defeat Satan, and tells the other, “You did this and this. Shaytaan [Satan] took advantage of it, but I was able to overcome him. I forgive you for the sake of Allah so Allah can forgive me.” We try to clear things right away.

Even when I am slightly upset, my husband can tell. Even when I am hiding it. He pushes me to blurt it out. I do. Then he helps me feel better. And I am always glad he pushed me to say what was bothering me.”

In both of these narrations, the couples emphasize one point: marriage is about being with someone who will truly understand what you need, someone who will help you become a better person and who will encourage you to improve with that gentle love.

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email info@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Question:

I want to find out what is the ruling for a practicing Muslimah whose Muslim husband does not pray except occasionally. He has tried intermittently to establish salah (prayer) but it was not consistent. He doesn’t go to the mosque and he’s never read the entire Qur’an. Before, he would combine three days at once and pray extremely fast. In the end, he gave up and it has been almost two months now. He doesn’t pray Friday prayer, but he fasts the month of Ramadan. He tells me he believes in prayer, but he is very busy with managing his business and works more than 12 hours a day. He comes back home and always gives excuses that he is extremely tired and would promise to pray the next day without fail. 

I have put in much effort to encourage and motivate him, read to him ayat (verses) from the Qur’an and ahadeeth (traditions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Sometimes he listens and other times he gets angry/annoyed and tells me all I talk to him about is deen (religion). He doesn’t like communicating with me about religion much and he sometimes complains about my time spent on the deen although he doesn’t mind me wearing the hijab and going to the mosque.

Before we got married, I made it clear to him that we would pray together, share our deen and raise our children according to Islam. He promised me and gave me his word, and I understood he was devout in his heart. I asked a couple of imams about this issue, and they all told me that all I should do is be motivating/encouraging and make du`a’ (supplication). I fear mostly for any children we may have, because they would be confused as to what is the truth and what they should do. This would also cause problems providing an appropriate Islamic environment at home to raise upright Muslim children.

Answer:

It sounds like when you married your husband you expected him to change and become more religious because it was important to you that you marry a religious man. You feel that he has a devout heart and wish that he would manifest his faith outwardly because you fear that if your children do not see him practice his faith they will become confused. The reality is that people will only change when it is important to them. When you chose to marry him, you chose to accept him with his strengths and weaknesses. If he chooses to pray and read Qur’an, it would be ideal for you, but you now realize you can’t control him nor change him and that your ideal is not the reality.

Your decision to marry him was based on a promise but not on the reality of where he is religiously. Despite not being religiously observant, he is encouraging you to grow religiously and does not stand in your way of spiritual growth. His relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), is a personal one and despite your well-intentioned encouragement, he may only be hearing nagging and judgment from you. He may not feel accepted by you for who he is despite his flaws, so he will continue to pull away from you because you may remind him to feel awful about himself for not praying dutifully. This negative spiral will only continue to hurt your relationship and potentially hurt your relationship with your children. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to role model empathy for your husband’s struggle. He may be inspired by your attachment to the faith and the peace it brings you. By role modeling what you wish for your husband and children, you will embody the faith in your family because your actions will “speak” louder than your words. You cannot control how your husband and children choose to practice the faith. Approach your family with tenderness and understanding as they progress in the faith and continue to rely on Allah (swt) when you have feelings of fear and anxiety.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Question:

My husband had girlfriends in the past which he refuses to talk to me about. During our engagement, he made it clear that he wasn’t an angel in the past, but that he’s a different man now and he doesn’t like to talk about his past since it is between him and Allah. He also told me that he is not in touch with any of his ex-girlfriends. Things went well, and we got married.  

A few months after our marriage, I saw an old photograph on his friend’s Facebook page of him sitting next to a girl. My husband first told me that she was a friend, then explained that this was one of his ex-girlfriends who he had intended to marry but did not because his parents didn’t approve and because he and his girlfriend had issues as well. He refuses to tell me what these issues were. The critical point is that I found out that she is still his friend on Facebook and that she sends him messages every now and then, contradictory to what he had told me previously about not being in contact with any of his ex-girlfriends. My husband let me go through all the messages between them, and there was no foul play there alhamdulillah (all praise and thanks belong to God). I also found out that he had met with her during our engagement period to let her know that he was getting married to me.

Besides all the pain and anger that this has caused me, my husband has now planted the seed of suspicion and curiosity in me. I want to know everything about his past—What were the personal reasons that caused him to break up with this girl? Why didn’t he remove her from his Facebook account prior to my finding out about her? Why did he still leave the path of communication open between the two of them? Was he a virgin when he married me? My husband refuses to give me any answers to these questions, which frustrates me. I feel betrayed.

Every now and then something happens to spark another question in my head about his past. Whenever I confront my husband with these questions, he gets extremely angry and tells me this is irrelevant information that I don’t need to know, and he doesn’t answer my questions. This has led to daily fights between the two of us for the past few months. He feels that he has the right to keep his past to himself, and I feel that I have the right to know certain things about it. It is to the point where if my husband had to pick between getting a divorce and telling me the details of his past, he would not know what to choose. 

What is your advice for our situation?

Answer:

Many couples will experience difficult times when secrets come up in marriage. Some counselors have a “radical honesty” policy where nothing should be kept secret, including previous pre-marital or extramarital relationships. Others believe that honesty isn’t always the best policy and that there are valid reasons for keeping some secrets from one’s spouse.  Our personal belief is that ultimately it will depend on the type of information revealed and what purpose it will serve.

Consider these questions:

• How do you think the information about your husband’s past will contribute to the health of your marriage?
• Will it change the way you view your husband?
• Is your husband doing anything now that makes you suspicious about his commitment to your marriage?

As you mentioned, your husband did share with you before your marriage that he had previous relationships, and it seems that he has made an attempt to be honest with you after your discovery on Facebook of an ex-girlfriend.  You will need to consider that your husband may be trying to protect you from unnecessary heartache about his past. You will also need to consider that his secrets may have involved someone who asked for their privacy to be protected. Remember that part of our faith requires sutrah (concealing our mistakes). There are numerous stories of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) instructing people who came to him admitting that they had engaged in zina (sexual relations outside of marriage) to conceal their mistake and repent to God.

The Qur’an even tells us:

“O ye who believe! Ask not about things which, if they were made known to you, would trouble you.” (Qur’an 5:101)

It sounds like your husband made amends and returned to his faith, and he may not be comfortable revealing that part of his history. If you believe your husband is sincere in his transformation, you may be obsessing over information about your husband’s past that has no relevance to your relationship with him today. Perhaps you are having difficulty accepting your husband for who he is, including the fact that he has made mistakes in his past. You married him knowing that he had past relationships with girls, but now that you’ve seen remnants of his history, the reality may be difficult for you to process and accept. You are letting your curiosity get the best of you and control you rather than focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Your husband probably chooses not to share with you details about his past because he understands it will not improve your relationship and instead may even damage it.

Instead of focusing on the type of man your husband is today, you are investing your emotional energy into unnecessary information that is driving you and your husband apart. Your need-to-know particulars may be driven by your own insecurities. If your goal is a successful and healthy marriage, you must reflect on why you are feeling insecure and how you can move towards accepting your husband unconditionally.

Your husband’s past does not define his present, nor should it define your relationship. He has acknowledged that he is a changed man. Your perception of him may have changed, although he is still the same person you married.  If you want to be happy in your marriage, you will need to let go of the past and give him the benefit of the doubt.

It is also important for you and your husband to have an honest conversation about the level of sharing you expect in your marriage. This might mean involving a counselor to help you make a distinction between personal privacy and complete transparency. Identifying what should be shared or not shared is part of essential communication skills that couples must learn to use in their marriage. Having these conversations will help you establish dialogue and bring you closer to each other.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

This is the question you must ask before marrying someone. While many factors are used to determine compatibility, you may be surprised to read that the answer to this question is in fact mostly based on feelings. Through the process of getting to know different types of people, you will discover a variety of personalities and, more importantly, the type of person you are most comfortable being around. Over time, and with increased maturity, you will also develop a deeper understanding of your own personality.

Eventually, you will meet someone you feel compatible with and want to consider for marriage. You will inevitably ask, “Is this the right person for me?” As described to us in Surat An-Nur: “…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” (Qur’an, 24:26) This verse reminds us that people are matched by Allah. The following is a description of the feelings necessary to know that you have found your match.

The right person is someone you feel comfortable opening up to – someone you can be vulnerable with. The right person encourages you to make decisions that are right for you. This may include decisions about a healthy lifestyle and supporting your efforts to find balance between work and family. You feel encouraged and supported to grow in all areas of your life because the person you want to marry is not negative, selfish or critical. Rather, when you are with this person you feel safe to share your thoughts and ideas and you feel uplifted by their support. The right person is someone you have developed a deep friendship with and you mutually enjoy each other’s company. Building a marriage on a friendship is important because love grows out of friendship.

You and the right person for you have similar life goals and values. This doesn’t mean your goals and values are exactly the same, but they don’t contradict. You are able to agree on long term goals that you can attain together. When you are with the right person, you are able to communicate your feelings and concerns and you don’t feel that you need to keep them bottled up inside. When you disagree on something, you are both able to share and listen to each other’s opinions, then you both seek to compromise. Conversations with the right person are interesting and help you grow intellectually.  With the right person you are comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on various topics. Couples naturally grow and change throughout the course of their marriage and this requires an ability to effectively communicate and resolve concerns as they come up.

The right person is kind, considerate, and polite to you and the people around you – and not just to impress you. This person encourages you to have good relationships with your family and friends. You both realize marriage is the bringing together of two families, not becoming an isolated couple. These behaviors toward your friends and family are a natural reflection of a person’s true character. Showering you with kindness, but not extending this to your friends and family, is a sign of inconsistent character. Character is shown through the actions that come to us naturally – whenever and to whomever. Both of you will show your character through what comes naturally more than anything that will ever be said. The person who is right for you isn’t rude, childish, arrogant or selfish. Rather, they are thoughtful and caring of everyone around them, not only their parents and their boss but the waiter and the clerk. A marriage is built on the feelings of respect and compassion; unless these come naturally, whatever behaviors are used to impress you before marriage will not last the everyday interactions of a marriage.

Finally, the right person is honest with you and is someone you can trust. This person is truthful with you about life decisions and concerns. The person you want to marry does not seek to control your life but seeks to share a life with you. The right person trusts you and does not scrutinize you or make you justify your every move. When you are with the right person, you will feel safe and accepted for who you are. You feel you can share your mistakes and work on your weaknesses.

It must be said that anyone who is dishonest or does things that are against your values is someone you should not marry. The foundation of a healthy marriage is one that is based on honesty and trust between two partners.

Establishing compatibility for marriage is based on many factors and the most obscure – yet most important – are the feelings we have about the person. There are some people we instantly “click” with and there are others we find interesting and want to learn more about. These are the initial feelings, but as we get to know someone and seek to find compatibility in values and goals, one must carefully examine their feelings.

Being with the right person is uplifting to our spirit; the relationship brings us tranquility, as is described in the Qur’an:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

While no human being is perfect and we should not be looking for unrealistic qualities, you will know if you have found the person that is a good match for you. Remember that finding the right person is only half the challenge – you must first be the right person that someone would want to marry.

Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine is the author of Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married. She received her Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling at California State University, Fullerton and a Bachelors in Economics from the University of California, Los Angeles. Ezzeldine is currently co-hosting an internet radio show, Family Connection, on One Legacy Radio. She has also written prolifically for Muslim publications, including two Islamic Studies textbooks for the Bureau of Islamic and Arabic Education.

Question: My husband used to drink alcohol, and I am someone who prays alhamdulillah (praise be to Allah). I was very concerned and unsure of what to do, so I lied to him, and I hope that Allah forgives me. I told him: ‘I dreamt of a Shaykh, and he told me that my husband has to stop drinking, or else such and such (bad) will happen.’ When I told him in the morning, he believed me. He made ablution alhamdulillah, and started praying. I still feel uneasy because I lied to my husband, but alhamdulillah he prays now, and has not missed a single prayer ever since. I hope you can benefit me, and pray that Allah forgives me for this lie.

Answer: What [you] did is not considered lying because it’s permissible to use these types of allegories to rectify certain wrongs. This is an allegory because what you told him is, in reality, agreed upon amongst Muslims. So, you made him understand something that was not based on an actual occurrence, but its general meaning does exist.

This is considered figurative lying, and it is permissible (only) in war, in reconciling between people, and in reconciling between husbands and wives. It is also permissible if the husband wants to please his wife, as with telling her she is the most beautiful of women – even if that’s not so! This is not actual lying, but it takes the form of lying; and although it contradicts reality, it is still not considered lying because it brings about greater good. That is why Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Exalted and All-Mighty) blessed your words, and made this blessing lead to the guidance of your husband, and made him fully convinced by what you said. You should feel content because, insha’Allah (by the will of Allah), you are not sinful.

Translated from Fatawa’l-Nisa’, p. 301.

Part I | Part II

Communicating effectively is essential for building a happy family.  Effective communication is a skill that should be acquired and practiced regularly because it reduces misconceptions and misunderstandings between family members and helps them avoid conflict.

Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu `alayhi wa sallam – peace be upon him) advised us to be gentle, kind, compassionate, and lenient in our dealings with one another.  On the authority of Aisha (radi Allahu `anha – may Allah be pleased with her), the Messenger of Allah (saw) is reported to have said: “Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs.”  (Bukhari)

Successful communication strengthens the family bond and makes it less likely that issues will spill over into physical abuse.  Communicating effectively begins with the couple.  Regular, poorly handled conflict between parents is difficult on children.

Couples often fall into negative communication patterns if they don’t handle conflict well.  Negative communication patterns can tear marriages and families apart, leading to unhappiness and divorce.  Research has shown that negative patterns and behaviors have a much stronger effect on marriages than the positive ones.  It is estimated that in order to maintain a happy marriage, a couple must engage in five to twenty positives for every negative (Gottman, 1993; Notarius and Markman, 1993).

The four main negative communication patterns are called the Communication Danger Signs.  Couples should prevent or change these patterns if they want to build and maintain a successful marriage.

Communication Danger Sign #1: Escalation
Definition: responding back and forth negatively so that the conflict increases

We often begin talking about an issue calmly.  Then someone says something to upset the other person, who then responds back negatively.  The calm conversation soon escalates into an angry argument full of hurtful comments, loud voices, and intense emotions.

For example, let’s say Sarah returns from a meeting and finds the kitchen to be a mess.  The following conversation might ensue:

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (getting upset) What do you mean I never clean up after myself?  I make dinner all the time, and the kitchen doesn’t look like this!  All you did was make a little bit of pasta!
Ahmad: (getting upset too, and becoming sarcastic) Of course!  You’re right; all I did was make some pasta.  I didn’t do anything else.
Sarah: (increasing in intensity) That’s right.  You never do anything else.  I have to do everything around here.  I don’t know what I got from marrying you; just more work and more headaches.
Ahmad: (hurt) Ok, then maybe you shouldn’t have married me!

When we allow arguments to escalate, we say horrible things to each other even if we don’t really mean them.  Unfortunately, some things we say can’t be taken back.  What’s dangerous in the scenario above is that Ahmad and Sarah began talking about the dirty kitchen and ended up questioning their decision to marry each other.    Because they were tired and stressed out, they let their conversation get out of control instead of hearing each other out and resolving a simple issue.

Solution: De-Escalate.

To change the negative pattern of escalation, do the opposite: de-escalate!

• Soften your tone. Change the way you’re speaking from harsh to calm and kind.
• Hear and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes or your husband’s shoes.  Try to understand where they’re coming from.
• Give up the need to win. Winning is not going to bring any benefit.
• Call for a time-out. Agree to talk about it at a later time when everyone is calmer.

So, what could Sarah and Ahmad have done differently?

Sarah: Ahmad, why don’t you ever clean up after yourself?
Ahmad: (exhausted after making dinner) I was busy making dinner for the kids.  You never clean up after yourself either.
Sarah: (softening her tone) Actually, I do clean up.  But I guess you’re pretty tired after work and dinner.
Ahmad: (calming down and acknowledging Sarah’s point of view) I am tired, but I know you hate a dirty kitchen.  Sorry for the mess.  Can you help me clean up later?
Sarah: Sure.  Thanks for making dinner tonight.

The goal is to stop the negative process before it erupts into a full blown, nasty fight.

Communication Danger Sign #2: Invalidation
Definition: putting down the thoughts, opinions, or character of the other

When we talk with our loved ones, sometimes we subtly or directly put down their thoughts, feelings, or character.  We disrespect them by calling them names, questioning their character, and de-valuing their opinions and feelings.

Invalidation can be subtle or extreme.  Examples of subtle invalidation include: “Why can’t you ever do anything right?” or “Someone’s feeling a little insulted.”  Examples of extreme invalidation include: “You’re such a loser” or “We should have you checked into a mental institution.”

Solution: Be Respectful.

The Quran tells us in Surah Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one’s] faith. And whoever does not repent – then it is those who are the wrongdoers. (49:11)

• Treat each other with respect. Give respect. Expect respect.   Remember the famous hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (saw): “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” [al-Bukhari, Muslim]
• Listen and acknowledge the other person’s words and point of view. Even if you don’t agree with everything your wife or husband says, you must still validate their feelings.
• Do over. When you realize you’ve blown it and said something that hurt the other person, just say: OK, let’s do that over.  Immediately backtrack and talk about it in a different way.

Communication Danger Sign #3: Negative Interpretations
Definition: making negative and unfair assumptions about what the other person was thinking

Too often, we engage in mind-reading by making unfair assumptions about the other person’s intentions.  Instead of looking for the positives, we make negative judgments about the other person’s thoughts and behaviors, believing that they purposely meant to hurt us.  Because of negative interpretations we believe the worst instead of the best in each other.

We can do this in two ways:

1. Verbally: “You did not want my mother to come over, anyway” or “You couldn’t have cared less about what was important to me.”
2. Unexpressed thoughts which fuel our own anger: “She knows how much that bothers me, but she just keeps on doing it.” “He made me wait on purpose because he’s still angry about yesterday.  How immature!”

Sami engaged in negative interpretations when his wife Amena told him that she wasn’t sure they could visit his parents during Eid.  Amena was concerned about not having the financial means to cover the expenses of the trip, but Sami became extremely angry and assumed that Amena hated his parents and was trying to avoid spending time with them.

Interestingly, children learn to do this as well from their parents.  For example, when Omar hit his brother Musa, Musa said, “I know Omar did it on purpose!  It wasn’t an accident.”  Everything is seen as intentional and personal.

Solution: Fight Back (against Negative Interpretations).

The Quran also tells us in Surat Al-Hujurat:

O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful. (49:12)

• Assume the best, not the worst.
• Give the other person excuses. Give them the benefit of the doubt.  We all know the following saying: “Try to find up to seventy reasons for your brother/sister, and if you can’t, then say, “Maybe he has an excuse that I am not aware of!”
• Look for evidence to the contrary. Think of all the times the source of unhappiness didn’t happen or wasn’t true.
• Stay positive!

Communication Danger Sign #4: Avoidance and Withdrawal
Definition: unwillingness to engage in or stay with important discussions

Sometimes, we think it’s easier if we ignore the problem or end difficult conversations as soon as possible.  During a discussion, we might withdraw by getting up and leaving the room, becoming quieter and then not talking, or agreeing quickly to some suggestion without any intention of following through.  Sometimes, we might avoid the issue by preventing the conversation from happening in the first place.  We can do that by changing the subject, not being available to talk, or just saying the subject isn’t important to talk about.  Usually, one person pushes the issue while the other tries to avoid it or pull out if it.

There are some gender differences.  Not always, but most commonly, men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue.  Many men will abstain from discussing issues because they don’t want to get into a fight.  They will withdraw and try to get away, while women will “turn up the volume” and try harder to get a response.

For example, Halima walks up to her husband Yusuf and says, “I really want to talk to you about helping around the house.”  Yusuf tries to avoid the discussion and says, “I can’t talk about anything right now.  I have to leave to the masjid.”  Meanwhile, he’s looking for his keys.  His wife becomes annoyed and says, “You never can talk about it,  but I have to have some help.”  Yusuf insists that he can’t talk, so his wife becomes angry and begins to yell.  Yusuf becomes quiet and walks out the door.

Solution: Change the Cycle.

• Start a discussion gently and calmly.
• Don’t push the issue.  If the other person starts to withdraw, then….
• Set aside a new time for the discussion.
• Talk with each other about the fact that avoiding a problem won’t make it go away

In the example above, Halima might have approached her husband during a better time and could have said instead, “We have to talk about this sometime.  If you can’t talk about it now, what time would be better?”  Similarly, Yusuf would have been better off making time to discuss the issue instead of ignoring it, as the problem would most likely never disappear and instead cause resentment in his wife’s heart.

Conflict is inevitable, but we can change our communication patterns.

Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience.  How we choose to handle conflict will impact whether our relationships with our spouses and families are positive or negative.  During any type of conflict, it is helpful to do the following:

1. Recognize the four Communication Danger Signs:

• Escalation
• Invalidation
• Negative Interpretations
• Avoidance and Withdrawal

2. Stop.  Call for a time out.

3. Do something healthy to calm yourself down.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) provided us with the following strategies when feeling angry:

• Seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan.
• Change your position. As recommended in a hadith, if you’re angry while standing, sit down.  If you’re still angry, lay down.
• Perform wudu. As counseled in a hadith, “Anger is from Shaytan, and Shaytan is created from fire, and fire is extinguished by water; so if one of you become angry, let him perform wudu.” [Abu Dawood]
• Remain silent.

4. Call for “Time In” to finish the discussion safely.

When we are upset, we often don’t share what we are really thinking and instead say something to win or hurt the other person.  To prevent this during a conversation, let us ask ourselves: “What is it that I want to accomplish?”  If our goal isn’t to resolve the issue, then engaging in the four negative patterns will work well in destroying our relationships.

However, if our goal is to strengthen our relationships and move forward positively, then we need to counteract the four danger signs with effective communication that will allow us to express our concerns to one another in a gentle and respectful manner

May Allah (swt) help us in communicating effectively, and may He strengthen our families

This material was adapted from the leading divorce-prevention/marriage enhancement program called PREP© (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), and the corresponding book 12 Hours to a Great Marriage by Markman and Stanley.