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9 Frequently Asked Questions about Divorce

Guest Authors — Thu, 22 Oct 2015 12:00:34 +0000

By Mariam Ahmed

When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce, I remember feeling like my life was coming to an end. I could feel the physical pain of grief and anxiety over what my life would now look like. I kept thinking to myself, why didn’t I act upon the obvious red flags I saw prior to marrying this man? It’s not like his actions or behavior was completely different from the person I was getting to know. But I wanted to marry him so much that I ignored so many things that were not only important to me in my future spouse, but what I discovered further down the road, are also destructive to a marriage. How was I going to move on or meet someone new?

Now that I have moved on and am considering marriage again, what actions should not be tolerated in a marriage, and how can one save their marriage if they are going down a road of destruction? In this piece, I came up with a few FAQs that I remember wanting answers to post-divorce. I have also had discussions with close friends and family who also experienced a divorce about these very questions.

These questions were answered by Marriage and Family Therapists Amal Killawi and Nadia M. Bazzy.

What are some red flags a person should look out for in their marriage?

Some red flags to look for in a marriage include hidden bank accounts, secret online identities, a major change in your spouse’s schedule that was not communicated, and new behaviors like drinking, gambling, pornography, and drug use. It is also equally important to look for red flags in how the relationship is functioning. Turning away during conflict, withdrawal, yelling, not resolving issues, anger, and resentment are all signs of relationship breakdown.

What are some things that are “unforgivable” and should not be tolerated in a marriage?

Every marriage is different, and each person will determine what he/she is willing to tolerate in a relationship. Some situations may warrant a divorce because it is healthier for the family. For example, in cases of physical or emotional abuse, it is rare for a marriage to survive without major rehabilitation of the perpetrator, and it is usually safest to leave the relationship. Some marriages can heal from major challenges such as infidelity, substance abuse, gambling, and porn addiction, but it will ultimately depend on the willingness of the partner engaging in these behaviors to receive professional counseling and on the level of support, emotional stability, and commitment to the marriage.

What are some things you can do if your spouse is asking for a divorce and you do not want one?

Ideally the person who wants a divorce should be able to name and identify the breakdown in the marriage that is prompting them to ask for a divorce. Many times, couples go to a few sessions of counseling to decide if they want to stay together or not. A couple may attempt to separate before they divorce to see if they feel differently about divorce. Many people express that they want a divorce because they are flooded with overwhelming emotions that they cannot work through. Oftentimes, couples counseling can help establish new patterns. While you may want to stay married, you also have to ask: How are you helping the marriage stay together? Change has to occur for the couple to survive.

How long and how much should you keep trying to reconcile? When do you stop trying? What should you do if your spouse is not open to couples’ therapy?

Does saying no allow you to have more agency in your relationship and create a power struggle? If your partner does not want to be married to you and is unwilling to attend couples counseling or seek out third-party help, it is best to ask yourself: What you are trying to hang on to? What are you afraid of? Address the fear of the divorce process.

Does your partner say they only want a divorce in the heat of an argument? Often, one partner feels “done” with the relationship but is really just done with the patterns in the relationship that are not fulfilling his or her needs. If that pattern can be addressed, the couple can overcome the situation.

Some people choose to seek individual counseling, and through that, make personal changes in their relationship that may as a consequence, encourage their partner to stay in the marriage. Some people may request their partner to participate in at least one session. Others may seek friends, family members, and/or community leaders to encourage their partner to seek couples counseling. Ultimately, change cannot be forced, but rather has to come from within. No one can force another person to remain in a marriage, and there is no timeline for reconciliation. If your partner is adamant about divorce and is not willing to reconcile, then you do your best to separate in kindness and seek support to heal through the divorce.

If your ex-spouse keeps reaching out to you and wants to maintain communication but does not want to return to the marriage, why might they be doing that and what are ways to stop it? Can exes maintain a friendship?

It is not uncommon for people to want to maintain a friendship after the marriage. While it is rare, it is still possible and healthiest if there are children. The Qur’an instructs us to deal with each other in a kind and civil manner. However, there are different types of communication. If they are reaching out with intimate communication, that is a boundary issue and should not be tolerated. You need to say no, and mean no. If they are reaching out in a friendly way that is respectful, it is your personal preference at that point to maintain a relationship or not. Some people find it emotionally difficult to continue a relationship with an ex for many reasons—inability to deal with the separation, dependency on the partner, and hope that they will get back together. Note that being friendly and able to communicate after a divorce does not mean that you can manage being married!

What are some things a person can do to help with the difficulty of divorce and the pain?

Healing from a divorce is a journey that will take time. It is important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but also not lose sight of the big picture. Your life does not end with divorce. Divorce may provide you with an opportunity to make changes in your life, to embark on new adventures, and to grow personally and spiritually. Seek support from family and friends, solace in prayer, and challenge yourself to learning something new. Counseling can also be helpful in your healing process.

Should you share with a potential suitor about your divorce? When and how much do you share?

You are in charge of what you share about your previous marriage. You may prefer to share openly from the beginning of the courtship or wait until you get to know them more and feel a sense of trust. However, it is important that a potential suitor knows that you were married. If you do not share, you will be keeping a secret, and secrets are a sign that there is distrust in the relationship—which can eventually lead to breakdown of the relationship. It is easiest if someone is aware upfront that you are divorced. This will establish trust and demonstrate that your potential suitor is aware of the situation and willing to work through it. Also, often times there are multiple connections with the person that you are divorced from if there are children, or if the person was from within the family or community.

You should be able to successfully identify why your marriage ended. This is a sign that you have the needed insight to move into a new relationship. If you are afraid of being rejected by a potential suitor because you were divorced, that is an issue that you will need to work through.

How soon after a divorce should you consider remarriage?

It is important to not use a new relationship to heal the hurt and pain of the last relationship. This is dangerous, as it sets you and your new partner up for failure. Additionally, the chance of divorce in a new relationship increases if there was a previous divorce. Divorce is a form of loss, even if divorcing was for the best.

It is normal to experience a range of emotions after divorce including depression, anxiety, loneliness, and identity confusion. Many people remark that they need to focus on themselves, rebuild self-confidence, heal the hurts of the last relationship, gain perspective, and learn new relationship skills. Often times, people can be attracted to a personality type that is unhealthy for them, so it is important to identify this before you move on to the next relationship so that the pattern can be broken. You will know you are ready to move on when you have created new insights from your last relationship, are no longer wondering “what if” when you think about the last relationship, are emotionally stable, and have healed from the pains of divorce. If you are asking: “Am I ready?” it is important to press the pause button, and ask, “How will I know when I’m ready?”

How soon should you introduce your children to a potential marriage prospective?

There is no standard timeline, but a sudden remarriage can be difficult for children to accept. Children will need time to deal with their parents separating, changes in their life as a result of the divorce, as well as feelings about the divorce. Introduce a potential slowly and communicate openly with your children about their feelings with this new person in your life.

Some helpful resources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/divorce

http://muslimvillage.com/2013/03/26/37555/islamic-divorce-is-separation-with-kindness/

Nadia M. Bazzy is a Limited Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LLMFT) and holds a M.A. in Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding with a concentration in Psycho-Social Recovery. She specializes in couples and family therapy and maintains a private practice in Novi, Michigan.

Amal Killawi is a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Michigan, where she is also currently pursuing a Certification in Sexual Health. She is also a researcher focused on addressing health disparities among American Muslims and providing patients with culturally-competent care. As a community activist, Amal serves on the board of several non-profits, particularly focused on cultural competence, mental health, marriage and family life education, social services, and youth empowerment. She has been involved with the Muslim Students’ Association at the local, regional, and national levels. Amal formally contributes to the Virtual Mosque VMCounselors advice column designed to answer readers’ personal questions.

Dealing with Divorce: Letting Go

Guest Authors — Wed, 28 Jan 2015 13:00:43 +0000

Dealing with Divorce Series: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

By Mariam Ahmed

One of the greatest challenges I have met with my divorce is letting go of my old life with my ex-husband. My issues with attachment are not something new. When I really like something or someone, I tend to hold onto them, even when this thing or person no longer serves a purpose in my life. My divorce made me realize how serious this problem was. When I was forced to pack my things into boxes and leave the home I shared with my husband, I found all the letters he ever gave me, the cards he wrote and even the sticky notes he used to leave me to thank me for packing him lunch. Naturally, this brought back the memories of happier days, and I wondered how we had ever reached the point we were in. But even more importantly, it made me realize how much I depended on these things; I refused to let go, probably in the hope that holding on would somehow change the course of events, that letting go of these things would make this divorce more real.

So it was at that moment that I decided I had to take the very uncomfortable step of letting go, of shedding that layer of pain, regret and worry. I had to leave all the memories, all the notes, pictures, cards and sticky notes behind. It took time, but slowly, I was able to take the steps I needed to move on. I began by throwing away all of the physical items. After a while, I got myself to get rid of the pictures. I went through my phone and laptop and deleted hundreds of pictures of our memories together. Surprisingly, it did not hurt to let go of these things, because I saw them as material things that held no value compared to the actual memories we had.

The hardest thing came last—deleting my ex-husband from all forms of social media and communication. It took me months to delete him off my Facebook account, even though he was never even active on Facebook. I was scared that somehow not having access to him would make our divorce more final (mind you, it already was). Then came all forms of chatting, texting and phone calls. It was a complete cleanse from anything and everything related to him. Emails, texts, and pictures… it all had to go. And this made me stronger. It was hard, but it was necessary. I realized it was the step I needed to take to come to a healthier and more level-headed state of mind. At the end of it, all I knew was that this was what Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has destined for me. To be in this very moment—be it pain or happiness—was written for me. And it was written for me because Allah (swt) knows I have the strength to get through it all.

The Little Things That Count

Maryam Amirebrahimi — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 12:00:06 +0000

Photo: Adam Hilliker

Some of us have grandiose ideas of what romance is. Many of us have been programmed by popular culture to expect big gestures of love and passion and intimacy. However, when we take the time to appreciate the romance in consistent acts of love, such as mutual support in the home, the encouragement for all we take on outside, it allows us to look at romance in an entirely different, practical, possible, tangible way.

“I am not a car person. I don’t care what I drive. I don’t take care of my car. Which is the opposite of my husband. He is ‘married’ to his car; he takes care of it and always reminds me to take care of my car.

The worst part about it for me is filling up on gas. I always do it at the last minute, Monday morning—right before work!

It was Sunday night and my husband had to go out and he insisted on taking my car instead of his.

It was Monday morning the next day, and as usual I was rushing. My husband was also in a rush, but he told me, ‘Relax, don’t rush!’

We exchanged quick hugs and I was out the door. As I started the engine, to my surprise the gas tank was full!

Later that day when I talked to him, I said, ‘Thank you! That was really nice of you to fill my gas. But why were you rushing this morning?’

To which he replied, ‘I had to fill mine!’

He skipped filling out his own tank so that he could fill mine. Completely shocked, I told him, ‘You didn’t have to do that!’ He responded, ‘It is my duty!’”

Contrary to what we often hear, there are spouses who deeply, deeply care about their better half and would be willing to do anything to support them. The beautiful part of this story was not only the action of the husband, but the way in which the wife appreciated his action. This, dear readers, is real life romance.

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email Maryam@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Feeling Homesick and Thinking of Divorce

VMCounselors — Tue, 17 Jun 2014 12:00:28 +0000

Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit.

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings.

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Finding Allah Through Divorce

Guest Authors — Thu, 22 May 2014 12:00:57 +0000

Photo: Sebastiano Pitruzzello

Most people who marry do not expect their marriages to end in divorce. But what if they do? How does a person recover from a difficult marriage or a divorce? Below, one woman describes her experiences and shares her reflections.

“Divorce: a word that has always weighed really heavily on my heart. In fact, I would ponder about how heavy the Arabic word for it sounded. Talaq felt like each of its letters came out with difficulty.

I saw it happening to people around me but never imagined it happening to me. Not because I am special in any way, but because like any other girl I had dreams of a blissful marriage filled with love, kind words, and just lots of beautiful things. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

A few months into my marriage I saw a side of me that I never even knew existed. I went from being someone who was full of energy to someone who feared doing anything, from someone who loved to smile at everyone and everything around me to someone who forgot what it felt like to smile. Tears followed tears. From nights that were filled with beautiful conversations with the Almighty, to sleepless nights spent thinking of solutions to my many problems. I kept asking myself: Who am I? Why has my marriage changed me so much? Why do I feel lost and confused? Why is there no one around me to support me through this? I noticed my self esteem go downhill and with it went my iman (faith). I was unknowingly distancing myself from the One who mattered to me the most: Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He).

I could no longer make decisions on my own, something I grew up doing with the help of my parents. I grew up in a household that respected my decisions; my father’s role was always that of an advisor and a supporter, not that of a commander. But in my marriage I felt restricted in all that I did and fearful before making any decisions.

I was being spiritually abused. I did not even know that form of abuse existed until I experienced it. I drifted further and further away from Allah (swt). I missed Him. I wanted the life I used to have back, but most importantly I wanted the relationship I had with Allah (swt) back. He must have missed me, too, because 11 months into my marriage I went through a divorce. What I truly found amazing is that the divorce happened a day after I prayed istikhara (the prayer of guidance) about continuing in that relationship.

I was left with no closure; my ex-husband disappeared (literally) after ending the relationship over a phone conversation. At that moment, something beautiful happened. Allah (swt) was back. It was then that I realized He had never left. He was always there and always will be, but now He was back to being my focal point in my life. In knowing that, I found comfort, and most importantly I found closure.

I was blessed to have a supportive family and great friends around me, but their support was different from the kind of support that can only come from Allah (swt). In the middle of the night when strange thoughts haunt you and you’re left crying into your pillow, Allah (swt) sends His sakinah (tranquility). He reassures you that He is there for you, and you get up in the stillness of the night and pray. As my forehead reached the ground, I was overcome with tears of gratitude that I was now safe with Him. I realized that what I just gained back was more precious to me than the world and everything in it: that feeling of peace that was never present when I distanced myself from Him. To many, it seemed like I had lost a husband and my chance to ever get married again. If only they knew that in reality I had gained so much and lost nothing.

“What has he lost who has found you (O Allah), and what has he found who has lost you (O Allah)?” – Ibn `Ata’ Allah rahimahu Allah (may God have mercy on him)

The experience I went through changed my outlook on life, on people, and on myself. I learned to trust in Allah (swt). He taught me how to trust Him. I heard it from many, read it in articles, listened to it in many lectures. “Trust in Allah.” But Allah (swt) is the best of teachers. When you make Him your source of strength, nothing can break you—not someone’s words nor their harsh treatment. He will start to show you in ways you never thought possible that if you trust Him, He will never let you down. He will shower you with blessings. Believe Him when He says:

“…And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him…” (Qur’an 65:2-3).

Guess where this beautiful verse happens to be in the Qur’an? The chapter titled “The Divorce”.

He has certainly provided for me from where I did not expect. Three years later, I am happily married to a wonderful man alhamdulillah (praise be to God). A man who teaches me everyday that true happiness lies in tawakkul, full reliance on Allah (swt). A man who is a reminder to me that this beautiful deen (religion) is a source of empowerment for both men and women alike and should never be used to belittle anyone. A man whose mouth utters nothing but kind words and whose beautiful character teaches me how to become a better person.

To all those who have been through a divorce, men or women: make that experience your strength, and do not let things that some people in our society say let you down. Most importantly, do not let your own self down. Be the one to set an example to those around you that being a divorcee is merely an experience and not a status that you need to carry with you for the rest of your life.

This is not the end; it is the beginning of many beautiful things. Do not lose faith, and do not let your divorce define the person you are today in a negative way. Strengthen yourself so you can help other divorcees when they need it. As difficult as it may be, do not dwell too much on the reasons behind your divorce or who was right or wrong, and most importantly, do not tell yourself, “It wasn’t my fault.” Look for faults within yourself or think of ways in which you could have handled some situations better, so that you learn from mistakes and become a better person.

One thing I learned about myself is that I need to stop believing everything that is told to me, especially in regards to my own religion. I decided to seek knowledge for myself so that no one can ever manipulate me into believing things that are not necessarily true.

Do not wait for anyone to make you happy. Do not walk into a relationship expecting your partner to make you happy. Find out what brings you happiness, and do more of that.

After my divorce, I refused to hibernate in my room and think for hours about what went wrong, so I decided to volunteer at a center that helped children with special needs. I walked in with the hope of helping them out, but I walked out realizing that they were the ones helping me. Despite their disabilities, they still managed to smile. Every morning I got a hug from them that brightened my day. They made me realize the many blessings all around us that we fail to see once we mistakenly decide that our life has ended due to one difficult experience.

Build a support system, be around positive people, and please know with certainty that even if nobody in the entire world knows or can relate to what you’ve been through, Allah (swt) knows, and He will get you through it. There can be no greater solace than that.”

Infidelity and Spying on a Spouse

VMCounselors — Wed, 21 May 2014 12:00:56 +0000

Photo: Pete

Question:

“I am recently married to my husband for 8 months. Recently I found out about his past, that he is/was bisexual. Up until then, I knew of the existence of the guy as his close friend. I indirectly confronted my husband and he confessed. He didn’t want to tell me because he’s afraid it would affect our marriage. He married me because he feels that he could change with me around. He said he is slowly solving the issue and would work things out.

However, I found him and the guy still contacting and meeting up with each other. Also, my husband lied about going overseas for work at xx place when I found out he went to yy place instead which is not where he said the work will be at. I knew because I have a GPS spy system installed in his HP. He still messages me as though he’s doing his work. I just played with the game.

I pray to Allah for guidance and patience, and to hold this marriage together because I believe that my husband will change for the better and we can start our marriage afresh after the confession. It is so hurting to know that my husband lied and is still lying. I do not want to tell him I distrust him because he mentioned before that if I don’t trust him it’s best we go our separate ways because he doesn’t want a partner who does not trust him. I don’t want to lose him.

Could you advise me on my situation?”

Answer:

You are feeling betrayed by the reality that your husband identifies as bi-sexual and is continuing to engage in a relationship with a friend from his past despite being married to you. You felt that his promise to change and marriage to you would have helped him change his behavior and preference. When you discovered his relationship, you chose not to confront him but rather accept the charade out of a fear that the marriage would dissolve. Your behavior to track him shows that you do not feel you can have open communication with him about your concerns. The lack of honesty and transparency in your relationship is a concern.

When you chose to marry your husband, you chose to accept him for who he is, even if he does not change in the future. Once you discovered he is bi-sexual you chose to accept him and accept being in a relationship with him despite his preferences. If you are now discovering that infidelity is something you cannot accept, then you need to make a decision that is best for you. You cannot make a decision about your life based on expecting another person to change or become the person you want them to be. You and your husband would greatly benefit from couples counseling so that you can determine what type of relationship you each envision as well as whether he is capable of being in a committed relationship. Through counseling you will learn about what path he is taking to resolve his issues and how the two of you can either maintain a marriage or part ways.

Perspectives on Marriage

Staff — Wed, 07 May 2014 12:00:00 +0000

Photo: Reji K

By Anonymous

Different couples have different perspectives on marriage and what it’s really all about. Below are two different narratives from two different individuals on what marriage is to them:

Couple 1:

“Marriage is work. It’s sacrifice. It’s compromise.

I watch romantic comedies, and I think, “This is pure nonsense.”

Love is being there for your spouse, no matter what. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and I had temporarily lost my ability to walk. I saw a depth in my husband that I had no idea was there.

He visited me twice a day while I was in the hospital. We’d talk on the phone after, then he’d get our children ready for school, drop them off, and bring me breakfast before he went to work.

After work, he’d bring me dinner, walk with me in the hallways, encouraging me even when I was too physically tired to walk further. He’d leave to get the kids ready for bed and then call me again after `isha [the night prayer]. He’d bring the kids to see me every other day.

After my discharge from the hospital, he continued to encourage and support me while I was recovering from my illness. He doesn’t like biking, but I found that biking was helping me to regain my ability to walk, and I would drag him with me on 25-mile bike rides in the mountains every week while I was getting better. My disease continues to play like background music in our life, but he is so understanding, so patient, so thoughtful.

Songs and movies portray love as this steamy and passionate emotional tsunami. That may be true for the very beginning of a marriage, but love evolves as the years go by. In the course of that evolution, I’ve found love to be kind, practical, and gentle. Someone who doesn’t know you can’t love you in the way you need to be loved.”

Couple 2:

“AlhamduliLah (all praise and thanks to God) we have a blessed marriage. We can’t thank Allah enough for each other and our families. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years now. We don’t know what we would have done without each other. We feel like we have been married for 20+ years and sometimes we even tease each other about acting like an old couple.

My husband, may Allah bless him, always says, “Look, we are all humans. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. You bring peace and joy to my life. So, in times when I am upset, I try to remember the rest of the 99% when things were great, and I try to forgive you, so that Allah may forgive me on the day of Judgment. So you should also do the same.”

Anytime either one of us does something extra for the other, we remind each other not to and the other says, “It’s ok, I am doing this for the sake of Allah. So that Allah may be happy with us.”

We make du`a’ [prayer] for each other. We say things like, “May Allah be pleased with you. Grant you the highest level of Jannah [paradise] and fulfill all your wishes.” Though I have to admit that my husband does this a lot more often than I do.

When we are upset with each other, we remind each other that Satan is trying to come in between us, and the one who is upset rushes to defeat Satan, and tells the other, “You did this and this. Shaytaan [Satan] took advantage of it, but I was able to overcome him. I forgive you for the sake of Allah so Allah can forgive me.” We try to clear things right away.

Even when I am slightly upset, my husband can tell. Even when I am hiding it. He pushes me to blurt it out. I do. Then he helps me feel better. And I am always glad he pushed me to say what was bothering me.”

In both of these narrations, the couples emphasize one point: marriage is about being with someone who will truly understand what you need, someone who will help you become a better person and who will encourage you to improve with that gentle love.

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email info@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

How do I deal with a Non-Practicing Spouse?

VMCounselors — Fri, 25 Apr 2014 12:00:41 +0000

Question:

I want to find out what is the ruling for a practicing Muslimah whose Muslim husband does not pray except occasionally. He has tried intermittently to establish salah (prayer) but it was not consistent. He doesn’t go to the mosque and he’s never read the entire Qur’an. Before, he would combine three days at once and pray extremely fast. In the end, he gave up and it has been almost two months now. He doesn’t pray Friday prayer, but he fasts the month of Ramadan. He tells me he believes in prayer, but he is very busy with managing his business and works more than 12 hours a day. He comes back home and always gives excuses that he is extremely tired and would promise to pray the next day without fail.

I have put in much effort to encourage and motivate him, read to him ayat (verses) from the Qur’an and ahadeeth (traditions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Sometimes he listens and other times he gets angry/annoyed and tells me all I talk to him about is deen (religion). He doesn’t like communicating with me about religion much and he sometimes complains about my time spent on the deen although he doesn’t mind me wearing the hijab and going to the mosque.

Before we got married, I made it clear to him that we would pray together, share our deen and raise our children according to Islam. He promised me and gave me his word, and I understood he was devout in his heart. I asked a couple of imams about this issue, and they all told me that all I should do is be motivating/encouraging and make du`a’ (supplication). I fear mostly for any children we may have, because they would be confused as to what is the truth and what they should do. This would also cause problems providing an appropriate Islamic environment at home to raise upright Muslim children.

Answer:

It sounds like when you married your husband you expected him to change and become more religious because it was important to you that you marry a religious man. You feel that he has a devout heart and wish that he would manifest his faith outwardly because you fear that if your children do not see him practice his faith they will become confused. The reality is that people will only change when it is important to them. When you chose to marry him, you chose to accept him with his strengths and weaknesses. If he chooses to pray and read Qur’an, it would be ideal for you, but you now realize you can’t control him nor change him and that your ideal is not the reality.

Your decision to marry him was based on a promise but not on the reality of where he is religiously. Despite not being religiously observant, he is encouraging you to grow religiously and does not stand in your way of spiritual growth. His relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), is a personal one and despite your well-intentioned encouragement, he may only be hearing nagging and judgment from you. He may not feel accepted by you for who he is despite his flaws, so he will continue to pull away from you because you may remind him to feel awful about himself for not praying dutifully. This negative spiral will only continue to hurt your relationship and potentially hurt your relationship with your children. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to role model empathy for your husband’s struggle. He may be inspired by your attachment to the faith and the peace it brings you. By role modeling what you wish for your husband and children, you will embody the faith in your family because your actions will “speak” louder than your words. You cannot control how your husband and children choose to practice the faith. Approach your family with tenderness and understanding as they progress in the faith and continue to rely on Allah (swt) when you have feelings of fear and anxiety.

A Wounded Heart

Guest Authors — Fri, 28 Mar 2014 12:00:39 +0000

By Maria Karim

The sudden dreadful crying and screaming woke Zainab up. She lay on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying hard to block out the growing noise coming from the other room.

It had hardly been two hours since she had cried herself to sleep. Her tender heart started pounding against her chest at the thought of what would follow this pattern. It was the norm; after her father came home, her mother would scream at him, he would yell back, and then it would get worse until she, being the eldest child, would intervene, crying and begging her parents to stop the awful fight, the reason for which those little children could never understand.

Zainab had secretly prayed to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), many times to take her back to Him. She somehow felt responsible for what was happening between her parents. Often, she felt that even Allah (swt) was not happy with her for her du`a’s (supplications) were not being accepted.

The only thing she ever wanted was to see her parents happy and together. Whenever they were happy, she would hope time would freeze so she could preserve every bit of it, but unfortunately, the happy moments would not last for long before a simple disagreement would turn into a heated argument leading towards a terrible dispute.

What really wounded her heart was when her parents held grudges against each other and complained to others about each other or when other people would gossip about her parents while disregarding her presence as she was a mere child, supposedly devoid of feelings or a sense of understanding. This infuriated her, and she started to accumulate hatred and resentment within herself.

Her fear and anxiety grew as she could overhear the increasingly enraged arguments coming from the other room. “Stop! Please stop!” Zainab screamed in her mind, tightly clamping her hands around her throbbing head which felt like it would burst.

Despite being huddled up in a warm and soft quilt she could feel her feet getting cold. Tears of anger, rage and distress were rolling down from the sides of her eyes fading away in the darkness while she lay there in the emptiness of her room hoping that the yelling from outside too would soon fade away.

Sound Familiar?

Does this sound familiar? Have you, as a child, felt the way Zainab was feeling? Or even worse, could your children be going through what Zainab was experiencing?

Catastrophically, the innocent victim of such a battle is always a child, who has no role to play in a conflict between adults except to helplessly watch and get destroyed.

Any Excuses?

Whatever excuses parents might have to justify their perpetual conflicts, ill temper or regular tantrums, whether towards each other or directed towards their children as a result of being frustrated in a mutual relationship, are completely unacceptable and unjustifiable.

Since they are the adults and they have been given the responsibility of raising a human being, they are liable for and therefore must be mindful of, not only the physical upbringing of their child, but also the psychological development including the spiritual growth and emotional enrichment of this little individual.

Consequences!

A child witnessing relentless unkind behavior, intolerance, exchange of harsh words, sarcasm, mistrust, offensive gestures, unpleasant treatment and/or indifference between his/her parents will most likely deal with multiple problems, such as:

Lack of Religious Growth: Children from a disturbed household hardly become religious unless someone consciously channels them. Since they rarely see their parents ever turn to their Rabb (Sustainer) and exercise patience in times of distress, they cannot relate to this concept.
Absence of Spiritual Connection: When children witness their parents trying to find peace through other means and relying on those means besides Allah (swt), they automatically relate to seeking peace and relying on ways and means other than the true source of khayr (goodness), their Creator.
Loss of Self Confidence: Such children lose their confidence because they have been devoid of the kind of emotional support required to boost their ego and individuality.
Low Self Esteem: The loss of dignity between parents or such a behavior pattern established by one of the parents gives birth to low self esteem in their child’s character, resulting in a feeling of worthlessness.
Insecurity: When children witness ill treatment between their parents or by any one parent towards the other they feel insecure about their relationship with them and dread being the victim either directly or indirectly. They also feel worried about their parents or their siblings and feel powerless.
Anxiety: A child observing domestic disorder whether emotional, verbal or physical is always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. He/she never knows what will trigger the abuse and therefore they never feel safe.
Self doubt: When a child’s tender mind is not able to explain why his/her parents hardly get along, they sometimes start blaming themselves; that if they hadn’t done such and such the argument would not have started, or if they are unable to explain the reason for a fight they remain doubtful about the occurrence of it which leaves them confused and frustrated. The feeling of self doubt makes them feel humiliated and embarrassed.
Resentment: Children experiencing a chaotic household become resentful towards either their siblings or one of the parents who they think are responsible for triggering an argument. They can possibly become enraged, short tempered and abusive as adults themselves.
Suppression: Children experiencing domestic issues are always engrossed in coping with the stress at home. They are expected to keep the conflicts at home a secret. Consequently, this can turn them into inexpressive and suppressed beings.
Intimidation: On the other hand, sometimes children who witness one of their parents as the victim at home, learn to grow up to be intimidating individuals themselves to get their way in an intimate relationship because children have a natural tendency to identify with strength.
Controlling Behaviour: Knowing their strength, children from disturbed homes are prone to becoming controlling with their spouse. They have been brought up to feel anxious about relationships and therefore are desperate to take charge in order to preserve a relationship from disintegration. They feel that their controlling would help keep it intact.
Vulnerability: These children feel isolated and vulnerable. They crave attention, validation and company. As both parents are consumed in their own survival, they are hardly emotionally available for the child. Therefore, the child is most likely to look for emotional dependency elsewhere.

The above are only few of the many setbacks that a child from a disordered home goes through. The question is: do we want our children to experience this? The expected answer in all cases would be no.

Then what are we, as parents, doing to prevent them from such experiences? Having said this, I do not intend to include the unique situation in which a spouse has a psychological disorder and the other spouse is expected to put up with them.

Realistically speaking, how many of us face the above mentioned condition where we have zero control over our respective relationship? Truthfully, the genuine reason isn’t that we can’t avoid drastically damaging scenarios, but usually we choose not to prevent them as every dispute has a history of negative, unresolved events trailing behind it accompanied by insensitive, tactless and careless actions between the parents.

Generally speaking, we are selfish individuals that are primarily concerned with catering first to our personal emotional and psychological needs. While in a conflict, we are either immersed in self-pity and depression or are trapped amidst the battle of egos, so we neglect the little hearts from being repeatedly aggrieved and wounded.

Emotionally and physically drained, frustrated and exhausted from having to keep up with the relationship with our spouse, we become oblivious to the damaging impact our indifference towards each other might have on our child’s well-being.

However, we must remind ourselves that our children are dependent on us in every single way for each little thing and realize the gravity and responsibility that parenthood holds. We cannot help the reaction of our spouse but what we can control is our attitude towards them or towards an unpleasant situation or experience.

Obviously, it is not as simple as this statement and requires counseling and perhaps a series of articles to get into the intricacies of a relationship and its do’s and don’t’s. Nonetheless, the focus of this article is to highlight the traumatic conditions that children who experience domestic violence go through and its consequences.

A child is similar to a soft lump of dough and just as we can mold it how we wish, it goes through what we make it go through. A lump of dough, when handled with love, care and wisdom can be beneficial, but if it is mishandled roughly and carelessly, it can prove to be just the opposite.

Our children are an amanah (trust) from Allah (swt). They have been sent to us so that we can nurture them with love, respect, care and concern. We leave our impressions on them. We either leave our child with a well-nurtured body and soul, or we leave that child with a scarred soul and a wounded heart. The choice, of course, is ours.

_____________________________________________________________________

Sources:

http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org

Living With My Brother-in-Law

VMCounselors — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:00:12 +0000

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.