Originally published in June 2011.

Commanded to Love: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV

Many of us have a wide variety of masks that we put on throughout the day depending on whom we are with and what their expectations are. Some of these masks are masks of patience, masks of gratitude, or masks of kindness. But the ones who see the ‘true us’ are those we live with. They see our faults and the side of us that we would never show to the outside world. When talking to the sahaba (Companions) the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) said, ‘The best of you are those whom are best to their families, and I am the best among you to my family’ (Tirmidhi). One of the wisdoms we can take from this is that it’s easy to be kind to people when you only have to see them a few hours a week, or even a few hours a day. It’s easy to put on a smile and make someone feel like they are worth something when you know that the show you are putting on will end soon. But it takes work, effort, and perseverance to keep up that niceness and compassion with the people you see day-in and day-out. It is with your family that your true colors show. Through the narrations and commentary of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ , we know for a fact that he was not one to wear masks nor was he one to be fake and insincere.

One of these narrations is of the time when the Prophet came bursting into the house of our mother, Khadija radi Allahu `anha (may God be pleased with her), seeking refuge from the experience he had just been through and begging her to cover him up. After listening to the story of what had occurred in the cave, which we now know was the beginning of the revelation, Khadija (ra) didn’t rush to call him a mad man, laugh at him, or even feel sorry for him. Rather, she had full confidence that something amazing was happening by the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) because she knew of his noble qualities. She began to comfort him, reminding him of all the good things that he consistently did, assuring him that there is no way that Allah (swt) would abandon him or allow him to be experiencing this out of madness nor out of possession. She reminded him that he was always good to his relatives, was always true to his word, helped those who were in need, supported the weak, fed his guests and answered the calls of those who were in distress. Had this account of his actions come from extended family or even neighbors, it would be awe-inspiring, but it wouldn’t be as powerful as when it came from the lips of his wife. His wife, a woman who sees him in the different moments of his life, who sees him day and night, who knows him for who he really is when his guard may be down, testifies confidently that he is a man of honor and a man that would never let anyone down.

They say if you really want to know who a man is, ask his wife how he is at home when no strange eyes are watching. Our beloved Prophet ﷺ was the same man behind closed doors as he was in public. His deeds did not change depending on who he was with nor did it change depending on who was watching because he knew that the only One who mattered was Allah (swt), and Allah (swt) could see him no matter where he was. He was not two-faced nor did he switch between different masks. No, the Prophet ﷺ kept it real—no matter where he was.

By Mariam Ahmed

One of the greatest challenges I have met with my divorce is letting go of my old life with my ex-husband. My issues with attachment are not something new. When I really like something or someone, I tend to hold onto them, even when this thing or person no longer serves a purpose in my life. My divorce made me realize how serious this problem was. When I was forced to pack my things into boxes and leave the home I shared with my husband, I found all the letters he ever gave me, the cards he wrote and even the sticky notes he used to leave me to thank me for packing him lunch. Naturally, this brought back the memories of happier days, and I wondered how we had ever reached the point we were in. But even more importantly, it made me realize how much I depended on these things; I refused to let go, probably in the hope that holding on would somehow change the course of events, that letting go of these things would make this divorce more real.

So it was at that moment that I decided I had to take the very uncomfortable step of letting go, of shedding that layer of pain, regret and worry. I had to leave all the memories, all the notes, pictures, cards and sticky notes behind. It took time, but slowly, I was able to take the steps I needed to move on. I began by throwing away all of the physical items. After a while, I got myself to get rid of the pictures. I went through my phone and laptop and deleted hundreds of pictures of our memories together. Surprisingly, it did not hurt to let go of these things, because I saw them as material things that held no value compared to the actual memories we had.

The hardest thing came last—deleting my ex-husband from all forms of social media and communication. It took me months to delete him off my Facebook account, even though he was never even active on Facebook. I was scared that somehow not having access to him would make our divorce more final (mind you, it already was). Then came all forms of chatting, texting and phone calls. It was a complete cleanse from anything and everything related to him. Emails, texts, and pictures… it all had to go. And this made me stronger. It was hard, but it was necessary. I realized it was the step I needed to take to come to a healthier and more level-headed state of mind. At the end of it, all I knew was that this was what Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) has destined for me. To be in this very moment—be it pain or happiness—was written for me. And it was written for me because Allah (swt) knows I have the strength to get through it all.

Many of us pray for the perfect spouse and imagine him or her being a certain way. Sometimes, what we pray for becomes most apparent in difficult times. In this account, a wife talks about the ways in which real life has helped her and her husband grow in their beautiful relationship.

Photo: Danna

“My husband and I are from two different worlds literally and figuratively, and the thing that binds us together the most is Allah (subhanahu wa ta`ala – exalted is He) and our undeniable faith in Him (swt). After looking in America for two years, I decided to marry someone from “back home,” i.e. Pakistan. When we first got married, we realized what a huge adjustment it would be for both of us. We had kids right away when he came. He went to school here and got his degree from here, and I supported him financially all during the time that I was a new mother and the only thing I wanted to do was raise my precious firstborn full-time.

Under such circumstances many marriages rightfully take a back seat and the relationship crumbles. We had many big fights over those first few years. Every time we fought I made du`a’ (supplication) to Allah (swt) to make it better, and He did. Our fights never lasted more than a day, and one of us always ended up saying sorry. We couldn’t go to sleep without making up. Throughout our good times and hard times I discovered that I married a very caring and generous man. I also discovered that I needed to accept him for who he was and that I had many bad qualities that needed to be worked out if I was going to stand in front of my Creator on the Day of Judgment. His love for me is shown in always hiding my faults in front of others, in picking flowers for me on the way home from the masjid, in taking care of the kids and giving me some time off, in cleaning up a messy house and in always sharing with me his day to day dealings at work or with his friends. As time has passed we have gotten closer and now I can’t imagine not having him in my life. The kids have really served to bond us together and it warms my heart when our eldest wants to pray because he sees his father praying. Alhamdullilah (praise be to God)!

My husband is not perfect and has many faults, but I know inside there is a light of goodness that gets dim at times and at times shines brightly, and I am committed to stand by him throughout all those times. I used to make du`a’ to Allah (swt) for a pious, kind, gentle husband and now that Allah (swt) has given me a slave of His to love, I must remain thankful, for if I am thankful He will give me more. We just celebrated our five-year wedding anniversary, and I look forward to spending many more with him insha’ Allah (God-willing).”

Photo: Lily Zhu

Question:

I recently got married, and although I am a family oriented individual, I decided to move with my husband to his state far from my family. It was hard, and I was greatly homesick, but alhamdulillah (all praise is due to God), Allah helped me out. He is a great husband. He is overprotective of me and tries his best to make me happy. I take care of him and he takes care of me alhamdulillah.  

The problem now is that I am homesick. My husband is busy with work and unable to drive me to visit my family. I asked if I could take the train to visit them, and he said no. He was very angry with me and said that I basically have to find other ways to find contentment and stop wanting to go home. I am afraid that I am building resentment toward him. I barely get to see my family. When I do, he does not feel comfortable staying at my mom’s house, so we always stay at a hotel (which my parents hate, by the way). So basically, I only see my family a few hours after factoring in the travel and hotel time. He gave me the option of staying at my mom’s house while he sleeps in the hotel. And I think I will take that offer next time I visit. 

I don’t know what to do. I love my husband, but my homesickness and his lack of support is upsetting and it’s stressing me out. Before we got married he told me he’d take me to see my family when I get homesick. Now he denies that claim. I am torn. I try my best to be a good wife and to do the right thing. I hate the idea of a divorce. But at the same time, I hate how he separates me from my family. He also insinuated that he doesn’t want me living “in misery”. I never said those words, but to be honest I feel that way sometimes. I’m trying to have trust in Allah because I know everything that’s happened to me is Allah’s decree. But I have to make a decision based on what is best for me. In this case, what do I do?

 Answer:

It sounds like you are feeling lonely living in a new place with your husband. When you feel overwhelmed by the loneliness you seek to return to your parents and siblings to alleviate the feelings of loneliness. Your husband tries to make you happy, but you are having a difficult time transitioning into the reality that your family now is with your husband. The strong bond you have with your parents and siblings has been a wonderful model for the type of family you want to build with your husband. By focusing your energy on the family you are creating with your husband you will begin to look forward rather than focus on the past.

You will need to find internal happiness with your new reality and not rely on your husband to make you happy. Acceptance and appreciation of the positive aspects of your husband and your marriage will help you discover your role in the relationship and why you chose to get married. Sharing your feelings with your husband without blaming him and instead working jointly to problem solve will strengthen your bond. Reconciling the negative aspects of your marriage through open communication with your husband will strengthen your relationship. Finding your own sources of happiness outside of your husband will help guide you to building strong relationships with new friends. Making friends with other couples and developing a social support system in the new city you live in will also help make the new place you live in feel more like home.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Photo: Reji K

Glimpses of Marital Bliss: Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

By Anonymous

Different couples have different perspectives on marriage and what it’s really all about. Below are two different narratives from two different individuals on what marriage is to them:

Couple 1:

“Marriage is work. It’s sacrifice. It’s compromise.

I watch romantic comedies, and I think, “This is pure nonsense.”

Love is being there for your spouse, no matter what. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and I had temporarily lost my ability to walk. I saw a depth in my husband that I had no idea was there.

He visited me twice a day while I was in the hospital. We’d talk on the phone after, then he’d get our children ready for school, drop them off, and bring me breakfast before he went to work.

After work, he’d bring me dinner, walk with me in the hallways, encouraging me even when I was too physically tired to walk further. He’d leave to get the kids ready for bed and then call me again after `isha [the night prayer]. He’d bring the kids to see me every other day.

After my discharge from the hospital, he continued to encourage and support me while I was recovering from my illness. He doesn’t like biking, but I found that biking was helping me to regain my ability to walk, and I would drag him with me on 25-mile bike rides in the mountains every week while I was getting better. My disease continues to play like background music in our life, but he is so understanding, so patient, so thoughtful.

Songs and movies portray love as this steamy and passionate emotional tsunami. That may be true for the very beginning of a marriage, but love evolves as the years go by. In the course of that evolution, I’ve found love to be kind, practical, and gentle. Someone who doesn’t know you can’t love you in the way you need to be loved.”

Couple 2:

“AlhamduliLah (all praise and thanks to God) we have a blessed marriage. We can’t thank Allah enough for each other and our families. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years now. We don’t know what we would have done without each other. We feel like we have been married for 20+ years and sometimes we even tease each other about acting like an old couple.

My husband, may Allah bless him, always says, “Look, we are all humans. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. You bring peace and joy to my life. So, in times when I am upset, I try to remember the rest of the 99% when things were great, and I try to forgive you, so that Allah may forgive me on the day of Judgment. So you should also do the same.”

Anytime either one of us does something extra for the other, we remind each other not to and the other says, “It’s ok, I am doing this for the sake of Allah. So that Allah may be happy with us.”

We make du`a’ [prayer] for each other. We say things like, “May Allah be pleased with you. Grant you the highest level of Jannah [paradise] and fulfill all your wishes.” Though I have to admit that my husband does this a lot more often than I do.

When we are upset with each other, we remind each other that Satan is trying to come in between us, and the one who is upset rushes to defeat Satan, and tells the other, “You did this and this. Shaytaan [Satan] took advantage of it, but I was able to overcome him. I forgive you for the sake of Allah so Allah can forgive me.” We try to clear things right away.

Even when I am slightly upset, my husband can tell. Even when I am hiding it. He pushes me to blurt it out. I do. Then he helps me feel better. And I am always glad he pushed me to say what was bothering me.”

In both of these narrations, the couples emphasize one point: marriage is about being with someone who will truly understand what you need, someone who will help you become a better person and who will encourage you to improve with that gentle love.

*If you would like share sweet glimpses from your marriage with hopes of spreading awareness of positive relationships in the Muslim community, please email info@VirtualMosque.com with a short narrative. Your submission may be featured anonymously in this mini-series of Glimpses of Marital Bliss.

Question:

I want to find out what is the ruling for a practicing Muslimah whose Muslim husband does not pray except occasionally. He has tried intermittently to establish salah (prayer) but it was not consistent. He doesn’t go to the mosque and he’s never read the entire Qur’an. Before, he would combine three days at once and pray extremely fast. In the end, he gave up and it has been almost two months now. He doesn’t pray Friday prayer, but he fasts the month of Ramadan. He tells me he believes in prayer, but he is very busy with managing his business and works more than 12 hours a day. He comes back home and always gives excuses that he is extremely tired and would promise to pray the next day without fail. 

I have put in much effort to encourage and motivate him, read to him ayat (verses) from the Qur’an and ahadeeth (traditions of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Sometimes he listens and other times he gets angry/annoyed and tells me all I talk to him about is deen (religion). He doesn’t like communicating with me about religion much and he sometimes complains about my time spent on the deen although he doesn’t mind me wearing the hijab and going to the mosque.

Before we got married, I made it clear to him that we would pray together, share our deen and raise our children according to Islam. He promised me and gave me his word, and I understood he was devout in his heart. I asked a couple of imams about this issue, and they all told me that all I should do is be motivating/encouraging and make du`a’ (supplication). I fear mostly for any children we may have, because they would be confused as to what is the truth and what they should do. This would also cause problems providing an appropriate Islamic environment at home to raise upright Muslim children.

Answer:

It sounds like when you married your husband you expected him to change and become more religious because it was important to you that you marry a religious man. You feel that he has a devout heart and wish that he would manifest his faith outwardly because you fear that if your children do not see him practice his faith they will become confused. The reality is that people will only change when it is important to them. When you chose to marry him, you chose to accept him with his strengths and weaknesses. If he chooses to pray and read Qur’an, it would be ideal for you, but you now realize you can’t control him nor change him and that your ideal is not the reality.

Your decision to marry him was based on a promise but not on the reality of where he is religiously. Despite not being religiously observant, he is encouraging you to grow religiously and does not stand in your way of spiritual growth. His relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), is a personal one and despite your well-intentioned encouragement, he may only be hearing nagging and judgment from you. He may not feel accepted by you for who he is despite his flaws, so he will continue to pull away from you because you may remind him to feel awful about himself for not praying dutifully. This negative spiral will only continue to hurt your relationship and potentially hurt your relationship with your children. The greatest gift you can give to your children is to role model empathy for your husband’s struggle. He may be inspired by your attachment to the faith and the peace it brings you. By role modeling what you wish for your husband and children, you will embody the faith in your family because your actions will “speak” louder than your words. You cannot control how your husband and children choose to practice the faith. Approach your family with tenderness and understanding as they progress in the faith and continue to rely on Allah (swt) when you have feelings of fear and anxiety.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Question:

I am a convert, and have been married for almost 6 years. Unfortunately in that time, my brother-in-law has stayed with us. Initially I didn’t mind, mainly because I wasn’t really practicing at the start of our marriage and didn’t see an issue with a non-mahram (a male not directly related to you) living with me. Over time as I have become more practicing, and just with the annoyance of having to live with someone you don’t want to live with, this has become a real source of stress for me. I am not comfortable with going out of my room when my brother-in-law is home, and despite really enjoying cooking/baking on my days off from work, I don’t even want to go into the kitchen when my brother-in-law is home. We have a normal house where my bedroom is directly next to my brother-in-law’s bedroom. I have a separate bathroom I can use, but it is on the other side of the house, not an ensuite. I don’t even have my own part of the house. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue. I have told him repeatedly how unhappy I am with this living arrangement, but he says he can’t do anything about it because his family will be offended.

Slowly, I am becoming more practicing and I feel this is really impeding any further spiritual growth for me. There is an opportunity coming up where a nearby female relative of mine will have a spare room, and I am considering staying there for a while just to get out of this uncomfortable situation. Please provide me with advice on what I should do.

Answer:

Living with extended family members can be challenging, but especially so if you are a woman and your living arrangement involves a non-mahram member of the family. You are struggling with the need for privacy in your own home. Having your brother-in-law around is impacting your comfort level and affecting your relationship with your husband.

Given that you have continued with this arrangement for the past few years, it may be difficult for your husband to understand the recent change in your feelings. Additionally, he may be obligated to fulfill certain family responsibilities. Talk to him again, but try a different strategy. Often, when we discuss emotionally charged subjects, we unintentionally resort to hurtful and destructive communication patterns.

Own your feelings and use “I” statements to explain to him the impact your current living arrangement is having on your spiritual growth. For example, you can say: I feel restricted when I can’t move comfortably around the house. I miss you and want to be able to spend alone time with you. Avoid accusatory language and be honest with your husband. Perhaps he is unaware that you are struggling so much that you are considering moving out for some time. Ask him to help you think of alternatives.

Is it possible to move to a larger home? A smaller home with a finished basement can also be an option. Can your brother in-law contribute to making that possibility a reality? Additionally, if there are any personal issues between you and your brother-in-law, it is best to address them honestly and openly instead of living with resentment. Did your brother-in-law say or do anything that made you uncomfortable? Given that you’ve lived with him for many years, are you now restricting yourself due to his actions, due to your own spiritual growth, or is it just that he is taking over your space with no consideration of your needs?

Consider setting some boundaries in the home. For example, you can request your brother-in-law to give you private access to the house for a certain period of time every day. It may be that your brother-in-law is not even aware that you are struggling. Consider sharing your concerns with him as well or if it’s more appropriate, asking your husband to do so on your behalf. If all else fails, it may be worthwhile to share your concerns with an imam or other family members to find an arrangement that is satisfying for everyone.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

Question:

My husband had girlfriends in the past which he refuses to talk to me about. During our engagement, he made it clear that he wasn’t an angel in the past, but that he’s a different man now and he doesn’t like to talk about his past since it is between him and Allah. He also told me that he is not in touch with any of his ex-girlfriends. Things went well, and we got married.  

A few months after our marriage, I saw an old photograph on his friend’s Facebook page of him sitting next to a girl. My husband first told me that she was a friend, then explained that this was one of his ex-girlfriends who he had intended to marry but did not because his parents didn’t approve and because he and his girlfriend had issues as well. He refuses to tell me what these issues were. The critical point is that I found out that she is still his friend on Facebook and that she sends him messages every now and then, contradictory to what he had told me previously about not being in contact with any of his ex-girlfriends. My husband let me go through all the messages between them, and there was no foul play there alhamdulillah (all praise and thanks belong to God). I also found out that he had met with her during our engagement period to let her know that he was getting married to me.

Besides all the pain and anger that this has caused me, my husband has now planted the seed of suspicion and curiosity in me. I want to know everything about his past—What were the personal reasons that caused him to break up with this girl? Why didn’t he remove her from his Facebook account prior to my finding out about her? Why did he still leave the path of communication open between the two of them? Was he a virgin when he married me? My husband refuses to give me any answers to these questions, which frustrates me. I feel betrayed.

Every now and then something happens to spark another question in my head about his past. Whenever I confront my husband with these questions, he gets extremely angry and tells me this is irrelevant information that I don’t need to know, and he doesn’t answer my questions. This has led to daily fights between the two of us for the past few months. He feels that he has the right to keep his past to himself, and I feel that I have the right to know certain things about it. It is to the point where if my husband had to pick between getting a divorce and telling me the details of his past, he would not know what to choose. 

What is your advice for our situation?

Answer:

Many couples will experience difficult times when secrets come up in marriage. Some counselors have a “radical honesty” policy where nothing should be kept secret, including previous pre-marital or extramarital relationships. Others believe that honesty isn’t always the best policy and that there are valid reasons for keeping some secrets from one’s spouse.  Our personal belief is that ultimately it will depend on the type of information revealed and what purpose it will serve.

Consider these questions:

• How do you think the information about your husband’s past will contribute to the health of your marriage?
• Will it change the way you view your husband?
• Is your husband doing anything now that makes you suspicious about his commitment to your marriage?

As you mentioned, your husband did share with you before your marriage that he had previous relationships, and it seems that he has made an attempt to be honest with you after your discovery on Facebook of an ex-girlfriend.  You will need to consider that your husband may be trying to protect you from unnecessary heartache about his past. You will also need to consider that his secrets may have involved someone who asked for their privacy to be protected. Remember that part of our faith requires sutrah (concealing our mistakes). There are numerous stories of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) instructing people who came to him admitting that they had engaged in zina (sexual relations outside of marriage) to conceal their mistake and repent to God.

The Qur’an even tells us:

“O ye who believe! Ask not about things which, if they were made known to you, would trouble you.” (Qur’an 5:101)

It sounds like your husband made amends and returned to his faith, and he may not be comfortable revealing that part of his history. If you believe your husband is sincere in his transformation, you may be obsessing over information about your husband’s past that has no relevance to your relationship with him today. Perhaps you are having difficulty accepting your husband for who he is, including the fact that he has made mistakes in his past. You married him knowing that he had past relationships with girls, but now that you’ve seen remnants of his history, the reality may be difficult for you to process and accept. You are letting your curiosity get the best of you and control you rather than focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Your husband probably chooses not to share with you details about his past because he understands it will not improve your relationship and instead may even damage it.

Instead of focusing on the type of man your husband is today, you are investing your emotional energy into unnecessary information that is driving you and your husband apart. Your need-to-know particulars may be driven by your own insecurities. If your goal is a successful and healthy marriage, you must reflect on why you are feeling insecure and how you can move towards accepting your husband unconditionally.

Your husband’s past does not define his present, nor should it define your relationship. He has acknowledged that he is a changed man. Your perception of him may have changed, although he is still the same person you married.  If you want to be happy in your marriage, you will need to let go of the past and give him the benefit of the doubt.

It is also important for you and your husband to have an honest conversation about the level of sharing you expect in your marriage. This might mean involving a counselor to help you make a distinction between personal privacy and complete transparency. Identifying what should be shared or not shared is part of essential communication skills that couples must learn to use in their marriage. Having these conversations will help you establish dialogue and bring you closer to each other.

VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. 

The columns and other materials included on VirtualMosque.com are presented on an “as is” basis, for information purposes only, in the areas of relationships and social commentary (collectively, the “Content”), and are not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, legal, financial or other advice. Please note, however, that the Content has not been regularly reviewed by any qualified psychiatrist, psychotherapist or other medical or legal professional in your jurisdiction and is therefore not intended to be relied upon, or to replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, counseling, therapy or other treatment. If you have any questions regarding the Content posted on this website, you are advised to seek the advice of your physician, mental health provider, or other qualified health provider. Reliance on the Content or this website is solely at your own risk. VirtualMosque.com and the individual authors make no representations or warranties and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning any treatment or action by any person following the information offered or provided within or through the website. In no event shall VirtualMosque.com or the authors be liable for any loss or damage including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from loss of data or profits arising out of, or in connection with, the use of this website.

“It’s awesome that she wants to be a wife and a mother, but why would she put her life on hold?” I wondered. Why would a skilled, passionate young woman create barriers to striving for self-improvement and her ability to be socially transformative when she doesn’t yet have the responsibilities of wifehood or motherhood? Being a wife and a mom are great blessings, but before it actually happens, why exchange tangible opportunities, just waiting for marriage to simply come along—if it came along? I didn’t have to look far to find out.

“I’m already twenty-six,” another sister lamented. “I’m expired. My parents are going crazy. They think I’m never going to get married and they pressure me about it daily. My mom’s friends keep calling her and telling her I’m not getting any younger. She keeps crying over it and says she’ll never be a grandma. It’s not like I don’t want to get married; I’ve been ready since college! I just can’t find the right guy,” she cried.

Why, as a general community, are we not putting the same pressure on women to encourage them to continue to seek Islamic knowledge? Higher education? To make objectives in their lives which will carry over and aid them in their future familial lives, if such is what is meant for them? Perhaps it’s because we’re obsessed with the idea that women need to get married and become mothers and that if they don’t, they have not reached true success.

We all know the honorable and weighty status of wifehood and motherhood in Islam. We all know that marriage completes half your deen ((Al Bayhaqi)) and that the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) has told us about the mother, “[…] Paradise is at her feet.” ((Al-Nasaa’i))

But getting married and becoming a mother is not the only way to get into Paradise. And not every grown woman is a wife and/or mother, nor will ever be. Some women will eventually become wives and/or mothers, if Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) blesses them with such, but for others, Allah (swt) has blessed them with other opportunities.

Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood. This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our first and most important role—to be His SLAVE. As He tells us in Surah Dhaariyat (Chapter of the Winnowing Winds), “And I did not create the jinn and humankind except to worship Me.” ((Qur’an, 51:56))

Worship comes in such a variety of forms. Being a housewife (a.k.a. domestic engineer!) can be a form of worship. Being a stay-at-home-mom can be a form of worship. Being a working wife and mother can be a form of worship. Being an unmarried female student can be a form of worship. Being a divorced female doctor, a female journalist, Islamic scholar, film director, pastry chef, teacher, veterinarian, engineer, personal trainer, lawyer, artist, nurse, Qur’an teacher, psychologist, pharmacist or salon artist can each be a form of worship. Just being an awesome daughter or house-fixer upper can be forms of worship. We can worship Allah (swt) in a variety of ways, as long as we have a sincere intention, and what we do is done within the guidelines He has set for us.

Unfortunately, however, that is not the message our community is sending to single sisters – both those who have never been married, and those who are now divorced. When I speak to many women and ask them about the ways they want to contribute to society and the ways they want to use their time and abilities, a number of them will tell me that they have no idea and that they’re only going through the motions of school or work while they’re waiting for Prince Muslim to come along and with whom they can establish parenthood.

However, Prince Muslim is not coming along quickly or easily for many awesome, eligible Muslim women. And for some, he has come along, and he or the institution of their relationship turned out to be more villainous than harmonious. Single and never married or divorced — very capable and intelligent Muslim women constantly have to deal with the pressure of being asked, “So…when are you getting married? You aren’t getting any younger. It’s harder to have kids when you’re older.”

The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.

Islam gave women scholarship. Our history is filled with women who have dedicated their lives to teaching Islamic sciences. Have you ever heard of Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr? She was a scholar who was born around the year 522. Her father, Sa`d al Khayr, was also a scholar. He held several classes and was “most particular about [his daughters] attending hadith classes, traveling with them extensively and repeatedly to different teachers. He also taught them himself.” ((Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 93. Print.)) Fatimah studied the works of the great al-Tabarani with the lead narrator of his works in her time.  You know who that lead narrator was? The lead narrator of Fatimah’s time was not named Abu someone (the father of someone, indicating that he was a male). The leading scholar of her time was a woman. Her name was Fatimah al-Juzadniyyah and she is the scholar who men and women alike would study under because in that era, she was the greatest and most knowledgeable in some of the classical texts. ((Ibid)) Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr eventually married and moved to Damascus and eventually to Cairo and she continued to teach. Many scholars travelled specifically to her city so they could study under her. ((Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 95. Print.))

Fatimah was brought up in a family that valued the education and knowledge of a woman to the point that her father was the one who would ensure she studied with scholars from a young age. Before marriage, she was not told to sit around and be inactive in the community out of fear that some men would find an educated woman unattractive or intimidating and would not want to marry her. She was not going through the motions of studying random things in college because she was stalling until she got married. She sought scholarship and Allah (swt) blessed her with a husband who was of her ranking, who understood her qualifications and drive, and who supported her efforts to continue teaching this religion even after marriage. She left a legacy we unfortunately have most likely never heard about because we rarely hear about the over eight thousand female scholars of hadith who are part of our history. ((Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007). Print.))

Why do we never hear about Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr and the thousands of female scholars who were like her? I think that one of the reasons—and it’s just a personal theory—that as a community, we are so focused on grooming our women to be wives and mothers that we lose sight of the fact that this is not even our number one role.

Servitude to Allah (swt) is our number one role. We need to use what He has given us, the means that we have at the moment we have, to worship Him in the best of ways.

Islamic history is filled with examples of women who were wives and mothers, who focused completely on their tasks of being wives and/or mothers, and produced the likes of Imam Ahmed rahimahu allah (may God have mercy on him). ((The Code of Scholars, Muhammad Alshareef. EmanRush, 2008. CD)) We take those examples as a community and we reiterate the noble status of such incredible women.

But we also have examples of people who were not only wives and not only mothers, but those who were both of those, one of those, or none of those, and still were able to use the passions, talents and skills Allah (swt) blessed them with to worship Him through serving His creation, through calling His creation back to His Deen and leaving legacies for the generations to come. Some of these women were wives and mothers and dedicated their lives to focusing on their families completely and some of them continued to serve the greater society at large.

Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his Dictionary of women hadith scholars, Al Muhadithaat, “Not one [of the 8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein, or considered being a woman undesirable or inferior to being a man, or considered that, given aptitude and opportunity, she had no duties to the wider society, outside of the domain of family life.” ((Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. XV. Print.))

Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and  when able, they also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to the ummah (community) and society at large. They are loving worshipping Allah (swt) through investing in their abilities and using those for the greater good. Perhaps we can all take from their example.

God, in His Wisdom, has created each one of us differently and in different circumstances. Some recognize this, love any stage they are in, and develop their abilities to the fullest. Let us, too, use the time and abilities God has given us to maximize our worship to Him and work for the betterment of society and humanity as a whole. If wifehood or motherhood comes in the process, then at least we were using all of our ability to worship Him before it came and can continue to use the training and stamina we gained before marriage to worship Him with excellence once it comes along.

If there are parents, families and communities that are pressuring women to get married and have kids: Be grateful Allah (swt) has blessed you with daughters, married or unmarried, mothers or not, as the Prophet ﷺ has said, “Do not be averse to daughters, for they are precious treasures that comfort your heart.” ((Al Haythami, Majma al zawaid, vii. 286, as cited in Al Muhadithaat.)) We are putting more pressure on our sisters than they can emotionally and psychologically handle. Let us give them space, let them find themselves and establish their relationships with Allah (swt).

Allah (swt) created us to worship Him. That is our number one role. Now, let us do our part and figure out how best we can fulfill the purpose for which we’ve been created.

This is the question you must ask before marrying someone. While many factors are used to determine compatibility, you may be surprised to read that the answer to this question is in fact mostly based on feelings. Through the process of getting to know different types of people, you will discover a variety of personalities and, more importantly, the type of person you are most comfortable being around. Over time, and with increased maturity, you will also develop a deeper understanding of your own personality.

Eventually, you will meet someone you feel compatible with and want to consider for marriage. You will inevitably ask, “Is this the right person for me?” As described to us in Surat An-Nur: “…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” (Qur’an, 24:26) This verse reminds us that people are matched by Allah. The following is a description of the feelings necessary to know that you have found your match.

The right person is someone you feel comfortable opening up to – someone you can be vulnerable with. The right person encourages you to make decisions that are right for you. This may include decisions about a healthy lifestyle and supporting your efforts to find balance between work and family. You feel encouraged and supported to grow in all areas of your life because the person you want to marry is not negative, selfish or critical. Rather, when you are with this person you feel safe to share your thoughts and ideas and you feel uplifted by their support. The right person is someone you have developed a deep friendship with and you mutually enjoy each other’s company. Building a marriage on a friendship is important because love grows out of friendship.

You and the right person for you have similar life goals and values. This doesn’t mean your goals and values are exactly the same, but they don’t contradict. You are able to agree on long term goals that you can attain together. When you are with the right person, you are able to communicate your feelings and concerns and you don’t feel that you need to keep them bottled up inside. When you disagree on something, you are both able to share and listen to each other’s opinions, then you both seek to compromise. Conversations with the right person are interesting and help you grow intellectually.  With the right person you are comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on various topics. Couples naturally grow and change throughout the course of their marriage and this requires an ability to effectively communicate and resolve concerns as they come up.

The right person is kind, considerate, and polite to you and the people around you – and not just to impress you. This person encourages you to have good relationships with your family and friends. You both realize marriage is the bringing together of two families, not becoming an isolated couple. These behaviors toward your friends and family are a natural reflection of a person’s true character. Showering you with kindness, but not extending this to your friends and family, is a sign of inconsistent character. Character is shown through the actions that come to us naturally – whenever and to whomever. Both of you will show your character through what comes naturally more than anything that will ever be said. The person who is right for you isn’t rude, childish, arrogant or selfish. Rather, they are thoughtful and caring of everyone around them, not only their parents and their boss but the waiter and the clerk. A marriage is built on the feelings of respect and compassion; unless these come naturally, whatever behaviors are used to impress you before marriage will not last the everyday interactions of a marriage.

Finally, the right person is honest with you and is someone you can trust. This person is truthful with you about life decisions and concerns. The person you want to marry does not seek to control your life but seeks to share a life with you. The right person trusts you and does not scrutinize you or make you justify your every move. When you are with the right person, you will feel safe and accepted for who you are. You feel you can share your mistakes and work on your weaknesses.

It must be said that anyone who is dishonest or does things that are against your values is someone you should not marry. The foundation of a healthy marriage is one that is based on honesty and trust between two partners.

Establishing compatibility for marriage is based on many factors and the most obscure – yet most important – are the feelings we have about the person. There are some people we instantly “click” with and there are others we find interesting and want to learn more about. These are the initial feelings, but as we get to know someone and seek to find compatibility in values and goals, one must carefully examine their feelings.

Being with the right person is uplifting to our spirit; the relationship brings us tranquility, as is described in the Qur’an:

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” (30:21)

While no human being is perfect and we should not be looking for unrealistic qualities, you will know if you have found the person that is a good match for you. Remember that finding the right person is only half the challenge – you must first be the right person that someone would want to marry.

Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine is the author of Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married. She received her Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling at California State University, Fullerton and a Bachelors in Economics from the University of California, Los Angeles. Ezzeldine is currently co-hosting an internet radio show, Family Connection, on One Legacy Radio. She has also written prolifically for Muslim publications, including two Islamic Studies textbooks for the Bureau of Islamic and Arabic Education.