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Islamic Studies

Guilt: a brother

I hate it.

I despise myself when you look at me like this.
When you ask me why I haven’t thought about you
1
You ask:
“Then where are you going?”
2
Don’t I know that I was something unworthy of mention?…you ask me again. 3
I stutter as I search for a lie to explain myself.
My stutter comes because my voice
has been bereft of you for so long…
And as I hear the words again, as I say them:

The guilt of leaving you rushes through my heart.
my beloved shepherd will have to tell his Lord
that some from his nation had abandoned you,
4
but I swear I haven’t, not anymore.

I know we haven’t talked for a while.
I know I ignored you this whole time.
You were trying to Remind me,
but I’ve been busy
I just didn’t get a chance to come around
and see what you were up to
or hear what you had to say

I know you were calling me
begging me to come,
pleading with me to sit with you,
to Proclaim
to laugh with you and cry
over you
and smile,
but I couldn’t. I think was scared,
not scared of you,
I was scared of what you’d say,
When I told you everything.

I was terrified
of what you would show me
when I told you who I really was,

But I came,
I’m sitting here staring you in the face now.
I know there’s a lot of catching up to do,
A lot that has happened
But you tell me your stories,
And I’ll tell you mine,
and maybe on your next page,
I’ll find the peace that I sought,
When I left you the first time.

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1 al-Qur’an: 47:24
2 Ibid 81:26
3 Ibid 76:1
4 Ibid 25:30


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