Before Marriage Gender Relations Overcoming Hardships

Battling Temptation (Part II)

By Amina Atwel

Battling Temptation: Part I | Part II

You might think only men suffer from Ahmed’s problem (Part I). But let me tell you about Mona.

She was a very bright, energetic sister in her mid-20s—a graduate student working part-time and volunteering regularly at the local masjid and several Islamic organizations. She led halaqahs (gatherings), helped organize da`wah (outreach) events, and facilitated youth group gatherings and discussions. The brothers respected her and jokingly called her ‘shaykha’ (scholar) because she wouldn’t mingle and flirt with men. The girls looked up to her and wanted to be just like her. She was all around a top-notch Muslimah.

Mona had her head on straight, but just too much on her plate. She felt stressed and overwhelmed sometimes, and it showed on her. One of her Muslim classmates noticed, and would often ask her if she’s ok. Initially, she was guarded and told him not to worry. But he kept prodding her day after day until she finally opened up—and actually broke down. He stayed with her and comforted her.

She liked that he cared and showed a lot of concern. When she expressed her feelings, he would listen without judging or telling her what to do or change. He made her smile, and cheered her up. Every time she talked to him, she felt a load lift off her shoulders.

Now, she started looking forward to seeing him every day. She liked his optimism and positive attitude. He became her energy fix. The way he looked at her made her feel wanted. The way he spoke to her made her feel loved. He had something else on his mind, but she had no idea.

He was a married man. She never imagined that she’d fall in love before marriage, let alone with someone who was taken. She felt guilty and torn, but was already too attached to him—to how he made her feel.

Her heart soaked him up, and swelled with love, and lust. She wanted him near her. She wanted to smell him and feel his touch. No, no, no. She knew that she shouldn’t have these feelings and impure thoughts. She knew so well that Allah was closer to her than her own jugular vein, and that he was well aware of her secrets. Yet, every time she was with him, she’d forget all that. She’d actually forget Allah momentarily, because desire consumed her senses.

Mona had become enslaved to her lover, and that was when she lost all self-control.

This is just one way it happens. It takes different catalysts for other single, divorced or even married women, and it plays out in a myriad other ways. The truth is that even the most apparently religious sisters deal with temptation and lust for men—Muslim and non-Muslim.

For some women, it’s the man’s physique that might turn her on. Those defined, shirtless bodies, alluring poses, and seductive glances are not flaunted in magazines, stores, and ads for nothing. If these images didn’t entice women, then Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (glorified is He) would not have commanded women to lower their gaze just like He commanded men.

But for many other women, it doesn’t begin with physical appeal. It could be a man’s confidence, sense of humor, or intelligence that draws her to him. Some women might find his affection and generosity very attractive. It could be his eloquence or how he compliments her, or goes out of his way to help her—or just his charisma and position of authority. Many women fall for their teachers, professors, or shuyukh (scholars) and even try to seduce them when they’re married (the reverse is also true, but that’s another topic).

The Qur’an tells of a group of women who fell head over heels for the most pious, modest and handsome bachelor of his time—Yusuf (peace be upon him).  The ‘wife of al-`Aziz’ was married, obviously, but that didn’t stop her. She went all out to entrap him and force him into the unthinkable. Her heart, like Mona’s, had already been inflamed with love.

That is why you don’t find Allah (swt) telling us not to commit adultery. He says do not come near adultery (Qur’an, 17:32). Because before you fall off the cliff, your heart, thoughts and limbs have to venture into dangerous places that are off-limits.

The issue is not whether or not women can be tempted. It’s how much they allow their hearts to be consumed with lust before they realize they’re in trouble.  For some women, it might only be fleeting thoughts and feelings. For others, it’s the constant exposure to the same triggers that drives them to act upon their urges. If they’re feeling bored, neglected or rejected at home, they will be tempted to find fulfillment, excitement and acceptance outside the home. If they see a couple hugging and kissing affectionately, or hear a love song that churns their emotions, they will want affection from a loving man. If they keep admiring that same handsome co-worker at work, they will get a little too up-close and personal. It’s a slippery slope when we choose to keep following our desires—and Satan’s footsteps.

What begins as an innocent look or friendly email or text message can escalate into an intimate relationship that leaves one leading a tormenting life of secrecy and shamefulness. There might be some momentary pleasures and satisfaction, but they pass so quickly, and leave you with long-lasting pain and guilt. Seeking forgiveness might alleviate your pain, but it’s still hard to forget—especially when you’ve hurt loved ones and lost their trust.

Aside from the tips mentioned in Part I (which are applicable to women too), I would add for women the dire necessity of a solid support system of female friends. Not only should they be trusted friends whom you can confide in and open up to when you have personal problems, but they should support you in strengthening, not destroying, your marriage, finding you a good husband if you’re not married, and keeping you away from tempting situations and environments. If the time with your girlfriends is spent drooling over hot actors, watching romantic comedies, and stalking cute men at work or school, it’s time to make new friends who can raise the bar for your emotional and spiritual growth.

It is truly by Allah’s mercy that a woman can guard her chastity and not fall into temptation these days. May all the struggling women be blessed with righteous husbands who can be sources of love, mercy, and tranquility, as well as fun, excitement, and emotional and physical fulfillment.

I leave you with a supplication of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him) on that beautiful feeling of love:

 “Allahumma inni as’aluka hubbaaka wa hubba man yanfa`uni hubbuhu `indak.

Allahumma ma razaqtani mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li quwwatan fi ma tuhibb.

Allaahumma ma zawayta `anni mimma uhibb, faj`alhu li faraaghan fi ma tuhibb.” 

“O Allah, I ask you for Your love, and the love of the one whose love benefits me with You.

O Allah, whatever You have bestowed upon me of what I love, let it be a strength for me in what You love.

O Allah, whatever You withhold from me of what I love, let it be a void (to be filled) with what You love.”

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  • Based on the above story, I have to say I totally disagree with what the married man did. She can actually find support in other female friends.

  • I would also like to see it from another angle.
    The story mentions that the man was taken. I am the kind of a muslim which most people reading this article define as “not a good muslim”, since I do not cover my head and consider myself moderate. But I do beg to differ with the author at the point where the man is being described as taken. If a man is not simultaneously taken 4 times then a man is not taken. If he was married once and was still interested in the girl for “those” reasons, then before the situation could get too complicated, she could have asked him to marry her or vice versa. But since we have become choosy in deciding what and what not to follow in religion, we think a man should not take a second wife. If this taboo is somehow removed from the society, then I believe the society would become more modest, since the man would know that if he approaches a girl and tries to “take care” of her then before he invades her emotions, she would ask him to marry her (im talking of the situation where taking up multiple wives is not considered a social outcast). At times such men give girls the hope that one day they are going to marry them and then that infinite wait is the actual time period where they try to take advantage of her. They make excuses that the wife is leaving them so the “other girl” mistakenly thinks that she needs to wait a few more days/months. If taking up multiple wives is considered normal then this emotional interaction can be snubbed right at the beginning.
    My two cents !
    PS: I hope someone on Suhaibwebb writes an article in this context someday.

    • I’m not sure I agree with you.

      1. The main reason for men marrying 4 times is if there are a bunch of men who die during war time, as happened after the battle of Uhud. If men didnt marry multiple times there, then many women would never be able to find anyone who loved them.

      2. ” If this taboo is somehow removed from the society, then I believe the society would become more modest” – this is not ‘modesty’. Why not also allow pornography as well, why not allow people to fantasize about others, why not allow swinging? We can just define these things away as being ‘modest’ just like you’ve done and then we’ll have no problem at all.

      • Dear Zebran I am sure polygamy is not allowed only in Case 1 as you stated. Its more general thing. If you study/research why it is allowed than you would find the goal, and that is to make society modest.

      • Let me make it clear that I am not trying to say that men should marry a number of women and party. Since the story in the article referred to a married man taking advantage of a sister so let me explain it as follows:

        *Scenario 1: A single brother starts being nice to a sister and starts “taking care” and if she also likes him then logically and religiously she can expect that he is going to ask her for marriage. She too can ask him. If he is also sincere then things might work out and if he is the “evil” kind then the sister can put the whole thing to an end. No marriage, No friendship with the guy!

        *Scenario 2: A married man approaches a sister with all his ‘care’. I agree, one should not fall in to temptation but as the author says that even the best of sisters can fall prey because the attraction for opposite gender is there in the human nature. In the given situation:
        – she cant ask him to marry her cuz he is taken once.
        – she cant tell him to leave his first wife (in order to satisfy the one wife modern day condition) cuz being a good muslim she cant hurt anyone else.
        In such a trying time it is very likely that she surrenders to her desires.
        * Scenario 3: In continuation with the second scenario, the if the muslimah knows that Quran is for all times and in every era the ‘war’ is not the battle field but it can be a war against nafs, she can quote the guy Aya 3 of Surah – Nisa. Most likely, the guy would back out himself after listening to the stance of the girl. This is because it is utterly difficult to have 2 wives in these times. It is an extremely big responsibility in terms finances, time management, etc.
        The permission to marry 4 women is not in war situation only. It is basically for the protection of women. There might be hundreds of men trying to allure a number of women for ‘other’ reasons. If a woman knows her religious rights, then the man cannot fool her by sadly telling her that he is already taken. At times those female friends support is not available. A muslim woman should be aware of her religious rights so she knows where she is going wrong and where a guy is trying to wrong her.
        By removing the social taboo, I meant that at times there are such excruciating circumstances that one in a 1000 men needs to take up a second wife and that situation should not be looked upon with disgust.

        • i feel that even though the article is very nice, but still it is necessary to cover these points –

          1.first of all,men and women both should avoid having personal interactions with the opposite gender, because normally it does lead to “infatuation” (even for dawah purposes) and satan is always ready to entice people.

          2. when a person reaches puberty then it is natural that he/she would have feelings waiting to be kindled.
          even though it is recommended in ahadith that those who are in danger of falling into haram should marry otherwise they should fast. but since early marriages are taboo due to current nowadays (socio-economic reasons),
          so anyone will naturally feel ashamed in asking for marriage,even though it is halal and hence would always be struggling with his/her natural desires and may end up in betraying himself.

          apart from this,
          I would like to mention that having 4 wives is halal in origin, it is the society that has made it haram,so don’t be defensive firstly. if a reality does not suit Islam then it is the reality that has to be changed and not Islam. secondly, in Islamic society a divorced man or woman is not looked down upon, people are ready to accept them for remarriage, they do not end up being a burden on their family.

      • Allah has allowed men to take upto 4 wives at a time. So I agree with Mehwish, but it comes with a lot of responsibility. From what I understand, the second or third or fourth wife is not a “replacement” or “fix” for an unhappy or dissatisfied relationship with the previous ones. If that were the case, Allah would not have stipulated equal treatment. Equal time, equal love, equal distribution of resources etc. These days when men want to comfort ‘other women’ it is not to undertake more responsibility. Usually it is an escape from the obligations of marriage. Having said that, only Allah knows what is truely in a person’s heart.

      • Polygyny is permissible in Islam when each woman and children can be cared for equally. Allah swt made this permissible, Allahs swt knows best.

      • firstly, Allah has not given any such reason as u are claiming, even the ayah starts with “marry in twos or threes or fours……” there is no illah provided by Allah swt here.
        such reasons r made up to make islam palatable to non muslims and the modern muslims.

        secondly, the Prophet amd the Sahaba were more modest than us and they did have multiple wives.

    • The man being ‘taken’ is from Mona’s perspective. Many women, including myself, don’t feel comfortable marrying men who are already married, even if Islam allows it. Plus, with living in the West, polygamy is hard to practice when each additional wife’s rights are not protected by law.

      I think the article tackles a broader issue of the importance of curbing desires until they can be expressed within marriage.

      • It’s women like you in the west who do not come together and speak up for your rights to practice polygyny under secular laws. Homosexuals are pushing for “rights” why can’t you and other sisters do the same?

        I guess not because you lot try to undermine and give 101 reasons why it cannot be implemented.

        • Asalaamu alaykum,

          Dear brother or sister, I find your tone and message to be very insensitive and narrow-minded. “Us lot” in the West have much bigger concerns than “pushing for our rights” to be able to openly and legally practice polygamy. Our homes and masajid are targeted by law enforcement for suspected terrorist activities and are even set on fire or attacked, we are racially profiled, searched and detained, we face discrimination and hatred. There are people in government and hate groups who are constantly trying to restrict our right to be able to practice the fundamentals of our faith freely, but you criticize us for not standing up together to try to implement something that is not even a requirement in our faith? Please consider the bigger picture insha Allah.

          Wa salaams.

    • I agree with you sis, Islam is the perfect lifestyle given from one who created us considering our nature and needs.

      I am not showing off but Alhamdulillah i am kinda practicing guy and from experience i can say

      Men are men, does nt matter Religious or not or even Muslim or non Muslim.

      The urge and desire of intimacy is much much more in men than women who are generally looking for care and protection.

      And Islam very easily solves or at least reduces such social evils from occuring.

      Although it is not allowed for men and women to interact (let alone talk bad,flirt or date…..)
      and what that man did to comfort that sister was not alright either.

      But if it happened, and both feel loved and connected,then they should openly go the islamic way and spend a healthy married life instead of doing evil things which are a nuisance here and in after life.

      So your point of ” If this taboo is somehow removed from the society, then I believe the society would become more modest, ” is absolutely spot on.

      May Allah guide all of humanity to right path and to eternal bliss.

      • As salamu Alaikum,

        Just want to point out that its a dangerous misconception that the urge for desire and intimacy is much greater in men than women.

        There is a wisdom in Allah telling us the story of Prophet Yusuf and the Aziz’ wife (and the women who cut their hands): women have desires that can be very powerful and destructive.

        • I agree, as a woman I can tell you that sometimes care and protection are the last things on my mind!! It’s wrong that men view these types of feelings in women as shameful and that only women of the sex and the city generation behave this way. Trust me, all woman feel the urge!

        • I agree with Sister, Ayesha, and Kendriana. We need to break out of these stereotypes! Everyone has different levels of desires and wants. It isn’t dictated by gender.

    • I agree with you sister, I thought the same thing when I saw “taken”, but you know some married women are gona get at you for this comment. LOL

      • Salaams,

        Go visit a local shaykh who is younger and seek help. It’ll help a lot to have social support to get you out of your situation. Make a lot of du`a’ and cut all ties with this person. If you need to change your phone number, delete your email address or deactivate your facebook, you should do it. Make du`a’, seek help and social support, and remove any ways of contacting the person so that your environment doesn’t trigger your urge to go back to her. You should also do tawbah and increase in good deeds. May Allah (swt) help you.

  • SubhaanAllah, beautifully said-helpful and touching reminder/prevention for those who have already experienced such, as well as those who haven’t. JazakiAllahu khayr sis Amina (and jazakumAllahu khayr May Allah make it all easier for us ladies (and guys).

    Being aware of Allah at all times, adhering to salah with khushoo, seeking Allah’s pardon *immediately* upon forgetting or upon a thought entering the mind, asking Allah to protect us from the evil of ourselves/others/shirk/shaytan- is helpful. Not entertaining thoughts is so important because thoughts -> words -> actions -> habit. And upon thoughts entering our minds, we should remember and be conscious of Allah, that He is able to See all, Hear all, Know all.

    Brothers should also refrain from opening the doors for the opposite gender to begin with (especially if he perceives a girl to be troubled or in need of an ear/’leaning shoulder’) and instead see if they can get another sister to help out. Particularly one-on-one interactions. If needed, there should be another sister present. Likewise, sisters should not let brothers to open up to them and find them too approachable because it can make them seem soft and provoke disease in the hearts of men. Applies both ways. There are too many stories like this. We’re insaan (forgetful) and have been created weak, but Allah has given us all the preventions/solutions, and as long as we are given another breath, we have another opportunity to turn to Him in repentance.

    We should all check our intentions when dealing with the opposite gender, and remember that Allah Knows all. #checkyourselfbeforeyouwreckyourself

    Assalaamu ‘alaikum

  • JazakAllah for the great article. Us women should never turn to non mehrams for emotional support; it just does not work like that.

    However, I agree with Mehwish with regards to men marrying more than once. I believe than men are polygamous in nature, and us women tend to be to uptight about the more than one rule, even though it is halal. Instead of making it taboo we should talk more about the rights of all the wives if a man married more than one.

  • Subhan Allah, Jazaki Allahu Khayran for this article.

    I thought I was the only muslima who is trying to practice the deen who is facing this issue.

    Just like to point out that the man in question may not actually be a bad person whose main aim is to seduce the muslima and get her in bed. He could be an average person who just happens to have a weak or diseased heart and falls for her. And rare is the person who can claim to have a pure heart these days.

    Certainly I am not one of them, as this experience has made very clear. I have thought through this situation in detail and have a fairly good idea as to what mistakes I have made that weakened my heart and led to this situation – but strengthening my heart to leave it has been perhaps the hardest struggle in my life.

    By the mercy of Allah, both the man in question and I know the situation is not acceptable and he is the one who has cut of all contact.

    I firmly believe that all trials that Allah gives us will benefit us in the long run. Some benefits I can see already:

    1. I know the benefit of being humble- only Allah knows the state of our hearts. I’m not better than anyone, and more corrupt than most.

    2. My duas have increased. I now ask Allah to forgive me and purify me all the time. I thank Him for covering my shame and thank Him for protecting me from outright zina and ask Him to continue to protect me and shield me in the future. He is the All-Hearer and All-Knower.

    Please make dua for me.

    • We will all make dua for you sister. You should be proud that you are able to admit your mistake. Most people just make excuses and blame others or say ‘it’s no big deal.’ the fact that you have admitted the mistake is indicative of a good fundamental moral nature of yours.

    • So touching sister, you have just described my situation exactly. I agree, sometimes neither person is ‘bad’, the nafs plays tricks with you to a point that you feel so weak, but Allah SWT has helped me too. The guy was a decent brother, when we realised our feelings were changing, as painful as it was, we cut contact. We are both married and love our spouses, but know that spending too much time together at work developed unacceptable bonds and blurred boundaries.
      I pray that Allah SWT makes it easy for you, please pray for me too, as there are still days when I feel very weak
      JazakAllah khair

  • JazakAllah khair, I cried when I saw the title for this article as I felt you read my posts in part one and wrote this for me SubhanAllah.

  • Can you guys allow instantaneous commenting? It takes too long for all the comments to be posted since they have to be approved. Thank you.

  • Jazak Allah Khair for the article. I thought I was abnormal for having such experiences, especially since every scholar I ask tells me that men have sexual desires and that women are emotional and do not. I was being told that I’m “western” and affected by the immodesty of America, etc–whereas if a brother were to mention this, he would be told that this is “normal.” Thanks again!

  • About the man being taken..I think the ladies that are commenting that he is not, and is fair game are probably single. No married Muslim woman would be happy to know that her husband is out caring and spending time and bonding emotionally with another woman. If needed a man wants to have a second wife he must go about it seeking a family, asking for a hand in marriage just like he would have done with his first wife….I don’t agree with the chatting and falling in love and then marrying someone. If he had done it with his first wife…he could be forgiven as he may be young and full of hormones and lust etc. But if he’s married there is already a way to satiate his libido and so to seek someone he fancies and strikes a friendship with is not on. Just my 2 cents…
    But the article was good, spot on and the dua is of great help.
    sister Abida, I agree with your comment 100% !
    sister Sadia well done for knowing when to cut contact, it must have been hard as women get easily attached to a guy who can make you feel good about yourself, or offer emotional support or give you much needed attention when you most need it but good for you to put your deen and your loyalty to your husband above this brother. I pray your marriage will always be wonderful and prosperous.

  • Assalamualaikum,
    I was wondering if anyone had any advice on talking to parents about getting married early. I am about 17 now and I wanted to get married soon, not in the next few months, but at least in the next year or two. Still at least for my family that counts as early. I also have older sibling, but they haven’t got married yet. So, it also might be awkward if a younger sibling got married first. Any advice? Jazak Allahu Khairan.

    • This is another dangerous mistake parents are making in believing that a girl at the age of 16 is too young to get married.

      If you feel Muslimah that you know what your rights and responsibilities are as well as your spouse then why not?

      Once Allah has blessed you with understanding and you can seek marital counseling then Allahu Akbar.

  • Dear Muslimah,
    I understand that you have genuine reasons to have the desire to get married early. But let me unravel some facts. As soon as the daughters grow up, all the parents are worried about getting them married to a good man. Unfortunately, life is not so simple. Sometimes, the man who seems to be the best one around, turns out to be a bad person. At times, things between a wife and husband do not work and there are so many other bad things which happen in this world. In such a situation if the 17 year old is not even educated then it becomes very difficult to survive. My suggestion is that focus on your studies first and as you progress in your studies, you would inshaAllah become more mature and would start understanding that marriage is not only a way to fulfill our intimate desires but its more than that.
    The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) has said:

    “It is the duty of every Muslim man and woman to seek knowledge.”

    • Jazak Alahu Khairan for taking the time to advise and answer. But, I would never want to quit my studies just to get married. I would actually hope that by getting married I would be able to continue my studies, perhaps even overseas, without putting a burden and worry on my parents….what do you think?

      • You are right sister, you can marry and study. The same way you can live with parents and marry so too can you live with an understanding spouse and study.

  • Assalamualaikum,

    What are the requirements for a Muslim woman to get married ? For a man, he has to be able to support his family financially, right? What about for a woman?

  • I also agree .
    it is an irony that the society does accept people having extra marital affairs but when it comes to having more than 1 wife, u are taken as a sexomaniac.
    i can certainly say that if such a thing is applied,many people would adopt it.

    many problems highlighted in this article won’t even arise.

    capitalist social system encourages promiscuity and lust but islamic social system encourages care and strong families.

  • What if Ahmed finds Mona. Mona is really in distress, and down. He finds it polite, and kind to ask people when they are worried. He feels he might be able to help her.

    What then?

    Should he just let the other person suffer, and not help them knowing he can?

    Is this right?

    Are we not supposed to show kindness?

    • Well why did Allah make men polygamous when he knew that women would not be able to handle this?

      For arguments sake if we willingly undergo the torture and humiliation of polygamy, the reality of the situation is how many men will actually FOLLOW the rules of islam. Several of you on here say it yourselves; even the MOST religious are deviant and deceptive behind closed doors..

      And if polygamy is designed to solve our problems on earth, why are their narrations that promise Men will have several wives in paradise???

      So women basically have to suffer from every angle in this world only to live with the prophecy and promise that there will be MORE women in hell than anyone else.. and why?! becz they will be ungrateful to their husbands …and why are they ungrateful?! becz their incompetent husbands are too incompetent to follow Islam properly. Oh and if a woman just happen to scrape in to paradise then rest assured that ‘its perfectly rewarding’ if she is has to share her husband there with a hoori because rest assure the earthling will be ‘loved’ more.. how wonderfully patronising…

      Women are destined to suffer physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, intellectually, financially etc etc and no matter how hard they try it wont be good enough. We dont even have the incentive of paradise properly; all the rewards are aimed at Men in the Quran and Sunnah.

      Whereas Men are felt sorry for if they cant control their nafs and are comforted because ‘the poor thing’ cant help if he’s innately made polygamous.. Women are thrashed for feeling like her husband should express loyalty and dare I say love..

  • I realise that my rant sounds like I’m such raging athiest who hates Islam.

    Far from the truth.

    Im actually a Muslim. I pray 5 times a day. Read Quran with joy and passion. I make dua and talk to Allah with as much sincerity as I can muster. I actually love Allah believe it or not. Im educated as well to degree level and alhamdulillah I have a high paid job for which Im grateful for.. so I’m not ignorant either.

    I just tired of reading that women are not expected to be satisfied physically because ‘women are not sexually inclined’ – seriously what a load of bull, believe it or not but reason I find it difficult to marry – along with trying to please impossible parents- is because I generally find that the majority of men are not aesthetically pleasing to look at and Im not sexually turned on my most that I see. No Im not a homosexual. I dont have unrealistic expectations either, Im alhamdulillah blessed with very good looks, I get a bit too much attention which I despise because its from all the wrong type of men. I just have to enter somewhere , be it a train, walk down the street or I dont know you name it Ill get attention. Yet NO MAN attracts my attention. I never in a million years growing up would think that this would be my problem. But see the problematic thing is I have worked so hard to be all that any person would want in a spouse and now I look around and just see nothing to match. The few that do or did, are out of reach. I feel like I cant win. And so temptation to fulfil a desire just grows stronger; I just keep making dua to relieve me from my test but I don’t know how much longer I can last.

    What I find dissatisfying is that it seems Allah has intentionally created rules and situations and trials to constantly test and wind up women which will eventually push the majority over the edge. I find this is a sad reality.

    What about what Women WANT.
    I feels like Men get the satisfaction of the upper hand or basically get satisfaction full stop in this life and the next. Women just get used and abused. Even in heaven we are used as an object of desire and are literally a ‘reward’ for Men.. but then when I think and reflect back to Adam pbuh, his wife hazrat Hawa was made because Adam was lonely and Allah wanted to comfort Adam.. I feel defeated when I think of this because does that then mean Women are just there to be a source of comfort for Men, that is our sole purpose of coming into existence, to serve Men and fulfil their every need at the expense of our own..
    If so why were we given a soul.. why not make us ignorant of this higher level of thinking.. why torture us like this.. I find the idea of polygamy revolting not because Im a jealous creature.. believe me no one (apart from Allah) could adore me more than me (haha) hence I never get jealous of any other woman, I have too much self worth.. I find polygamy revolting because I know how oppressive Men can be… I simply find the concept of polygamy humiliating and insufferable for Women to have to undergo… Women are creatures of higher maturity, great compassion and mercy bestowed from Allah… so why doesn’t Allah make it easy for them.. instead establishing every rule that turns the world around them into a mental and physical prison…

    I just feel lost. I know that it all ultimately boils down to faith. well I wish Allah would be give me answers so my faith would be re-strengthened. I pray that He saves us from the waswas of the shaytaan because my argument is this.. if He alones can guide us .. then GUIDE us… stop allowing the shaytaan to lead us astray.. liberate us from our tests.. make our affairs easy for us.. and answer our prayers.. its not like we have a prophet or some angel that we can see.. Surely we need more help because we are running on blind faith.

    • Assalam Aliukum

      It seems like you have very serious misconception or bad experience ( from news and media) of women being expolited and being objectified which in the meanwhile ceases you to differntitate between healthy marital relations and illicit relations(sex,porn and rape….which are about degrading human souls and one of the biggest crimes)

      And through Allah’s wisdom of creating Hawa (AS) for Prophet Adam,it was by no means for pure physical and sexual need but a process for having generation of human beings on which the world would be set up,and those people then will be tested and ultimately be rewarded or punished.

      And Allah created women from Rib of Adam and not from other part or bone since Rib is nearest to a persons heart which was an indication that a womens place is in heart of men(off cousre good pious men)

      And women was created in most explicable and elegant and modest manner which is tear jerking since Allah concealed and cared for them so much.

      It is from the narrations that Adam was created from mud and earth and then Allah blew soul(rooh) in him. In all this process all the angels,Jinn…. were looking at him and he was naked.Afterwards he was put into clothes.

      But look at how Eve(Hawwa AS) was created.

      Allah concealed all the creatures from viewing her making and put a veil between them and when she was made,she was already clothed!!! and not uncovered like Adam. Not a single eye looked upon her in nude(although angels are innocent) but look how Allah preserved a women modesty.

      And it is too hard to agree with your argument since there are and were so many women who remained in polygamy willingly,without compalint and if Islam was this bad and against women then 70% of converts to Islam would nt have been women. The 1st convert to Islam was woman(Khadija RA) and 1st martyr was a woman(Sumayya RA)…….

      You should also know that Christianity considers women a bad omen,and in medival churches,discussions were carried out to confirm whether or not women have souls or not!

      Similarly in Japan and eastern side,women were and still are considered sub humans and there are many other such heart wrenching belives regarding women which are not possible to mention here.

      And if you still want to live like that,there is an option and role model for you.Read about Rabia Al Basri, an 8th century pious lady,who lived without getting married.And her spiritual achievements were beyond explanation and was far more close to Allah then the greatest Sheikhs and Saints of that time.

      Upon an occassion being asked about Shaytan she said ” I dont have time for having enmity with devil since i m too busy in love and friendship with Allah”

      she fasted almost every day and prayed 1000 (nawafil prayers every night)

      her quotes and piousness are many more which hopefully you will enjoy reading

      You can also consult a qualified Mufti or Sheikh or a sister(with whom you are comfortable asking) regarding your thoughts about women in Islam and their status.I hope they will understand you well and respond accordingly to your question.

      Jazak Allah Khair

    • Sister thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I think all of us at one point or another can be overwhelmed by things. Especially by the apparent discrepancy between an ideal and the reality on ground zero. This life is meant for us to strive but what we all need to learn is what to strive for. I think part of it is re-balancing our values, because through our interactions within society we tend to give more weight to things that are not as important. As much as one can strive to better his/her self, we cannot attain a fullness of character alone. It’s part of the mystery of the sexes that we need each other. And we are to complement each other. In marriage it is more possible for us to achieve some sort of balance. Reading how you feel is eye opening. While you feel there is no one to match there are plenty of younger brothers of a lower socio-economic class struggling to find a wife. We tend to judge each other and put one another in classes, but in the hereafter our ranks will be decided by our moral purity. I suggest you consider someone younger that is aesthetically pleasing to you, that given your education maybe you could help each other out. After all marriage is about helping each other out.

    • My dear Mary, I completely understand your point. However just a word of advice, Allah has ALLOWED polygamy….it’s not meant to be taken by men as an entitlement. Most men are actually not polygamous by nature, they may find more than one woman attractive, but that’s the same as women finding more than one man attractive. Why it is written in the Quran is that the Quran is a book of law as well as guidance, in it is whatever is legal in Islam. So at the time of its revelation there were many men who practiced it and women at that time took it as norm, and again it is there as a legality so if in the future there is a war and maybe few muslim men survive, remaining men would be required to take women as wives to be able to look after them in a halal manner…..yes nowadays times have changed so it must not be used as a way of men oppressing women by it. If a woman doesn’t want to be in a situation of polygamy, she can leave or persuade her husband to not do it and to why it hurts her. If it comes about because of zina or adultery, the man does not actually have the option of polygamy because he should be punished and by shariah law, be stoned to death.
      As to your feeling about jannah, actually there is nothing to say a woman can ask for the male equivalent of a hoori….so she too can have her husband and as many lovers as she wants….you get whatever you desire….that’s why it’s jannah!
      Hope this helps your faith a bit more, hang in there and remember Islam is perfect, the men and scholars who dont understand women are not :)!

  • Im sorry but I think you misunderstand – I think anyone with a sound mind can differentiate between healthy marital relations and illicit relations.. Why on earth would I agree with sex, porn, or even rape?! I think you have completely missed the point of what I was talking about.

    By the way, Im not a Christian. Im a Muslim. And proud of being a Muslim. I never said Islam was against Women. I was just simply frustrated because I can’t understand polygamy within Islam. Maybe because Im born and raised within the UK and here we just dont have a polygamous culture; perhaps if I were Arab or from Africa I may have understood.

    I just dont understand if polygamy is to solve the problem of the ‘few men to women ratio’ in this world, then why are Men allowed to have more than one wife in Jannah? I cant imagine sharing my husband in Paradise.

    Anyway it doesnt matter. I realised someone might think I was attacking Islam hence why I wrote another entry explaining my frustrations.

    • As Salamu Alaikum, Sister Mary,

      As another Muslima who is trying very hard to practice her deen, I share many of the same concerns you do: so, please don’t feel you are alone!

      I have searched my whole life for answers to these questions, and have not really found any answers that really address the issues in a deep way. Unfortunately, most scholars today tend to be men, who:

      1. Do not even understand the issues you are presenting (with due respect, Br. Muhammad Talut did not seem to understand your point of Hawa (AS) being created ‘for’ Adam, which of course makes him the greater being and her the lesser being who was just created to fulfill his needs. The specific needs she was created for do not matter – the point remains that he is the ‘primary’ creation and she is his ‘need-filler’/’side-kick.’

      2. If they do understand, they do not understand and appreciate the importance that this issue has for some women, and make light of it. (Reading on this topic, I have read things like, ‘you need to focus on more important things’)

      3. The ones who do understand both the topic and give it due importance (and there are some), unfortunately, are not able to come up with substantial answers.

      These are the thoughts I have reached after some reflection which have helped me:

      For me, these issues, and the other inequalities faced by women from eons before birth through death and seemingly into the hereafter comprise the jihad specific for women.

      (Meanwhile, the jihad specific for men is defending Islam in battle – a task that I am definitely thankful I am not responsible for, after reading suras like Sura Tauba. Scary stuff…).

      I also take this hadith to heart: “The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, “Allah has said: I have prepared for My righteous servants what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no heart has conceived. So recite if you wish: No person knows what is kept hidden for them of delights of the eye as a reward for what they used to do.”

      Taking the hadith above, I speculate that Allah has not revealed much of what delights women specifically will face in paradise, but they will definitely be there. Why this is the case, He knows best…(Perhaps because men on earth will not be able to handle such realities, and Allah knows their nature and has protected them from it? Meanwhile, Allah knows women can handle the realities of what men face in Jannah…yes, this is PURE speculation on my part…Allah knows best)

      Its a part of my jihad to continue to believe that the All Knowing and Just Creator, who knows us and our needs better than anyone (after all, He created us), will care for the needs of each and every one of us in the hereafter in the best of manner.

      Its not easy…reading ayats of Jannah are so wonderful, but sometimes, when I start reading about the Hurs and Qasirat At-Tarf and Khayrat Al-Hisan, the anticipation of paradise dissolves into doubts…Is this a place I really want to be in?

      At this point, I am forced to just conclude that its better than hell, which is the only other option, and remind myself again of the hadith of unknown delights of paradise, of my jihad, and move on.

      Other times, I skim/barely focus on these ayats and feel better.

      Ultimately, I have stopped focusing so much on polygamy and gender issues. I realize that my search was leading no where, no answers were to be found despite years of searching. As such, it taking up a great deal of valuable time that I could have used for more productive activities including learning other aspects of the Deen.

      However, if you or anyone else find an article or a talk that really addresses these issues well, please let me know!

      Perhaps the authors of Suhaib Webb can write an article on this topic :D!

      • Alaikum Salaam to ‘Also concerned’!

        Wow.. I sort of prayed and hoped that someone out there would express that they empathise with what I was moaning about.. I’m so relieved you did because I was so worried I would be black-listed on this website as some crazy ‘Islam hater’ 🙁

        You’ve hit the nail on the nail sis (im guessing that you are female) with everything you wrote.. I too, after much thought, over some time now have realised that it comes down to faith.. I have to place complete Yakeen and Tawakkul on Allah and BELIEVE that he will give me what my heart desires in heaven.. I’m not even sure what that is sometimes .. if Men are innately polygamous then there’s no point hoping they will be loyal towards one woman with their love.. hence to be truly loved in the un-conditional sense ( though obviously not in the romantic sense) can only come from Allah.. maybe my heart will find rest knowing that whatever the reward is in paradise I will hope that Allah may be pleased with me and not disappointed.

        Its just difficult when you start thinking about all the rules and the the type of life we women have to live in this world and then trying to focus on some un-seen reward.. Its not easy..At least men can imagine their reward to some extent.. So yes your theory of considering it to be a form of ‘jihaad’ is perhaps a valid perception on the matter.

        I agree. Perhaps if an author of Suhaib Webb could shed some light on the issue – without coming across dismissive and misunderstanding – then perhaps the women who cant find answers to their questions don’t feel ‘alone’ with their views..

        I remember listening/watching to a lecture by Yasir Qadhi on youtube.. and he was saying something along the lines of why would Women need/want to work if they have their food and provisions etc given to them.. he specifically said (rhetorically) that ‘what more do you want?!’ in almost a frustrated manner… Now I have a lot of respect for Yasir Qadhi even though he’s a sheikh I have never met and he has no idea who I am.. but it hit me.. Men really don’t have a clue as to what goes on in our heads.. I asked myself ‘what more do I want?!’ … well I think any sane person would want more than to just live enclosed within four walls… were not cattle or sheep that just ‘need’ clothing, feeding and lodging and then to utilise as and when needed.. I realised that most Men don’t understand the workings of a woman’s mind… Also I took it on the chin because in his ‘peace tv’ world, maybe all the Men do follow all the rules and give their women their exact due in with accordance with Islamic teachings.. but in the real world Men like this are a rare breed.

        Then again maybe there are some Men who are monogamous (Allah is All-Powerful after all!) and so I hope I’m lucky enough to marry one! lol

        • “What about what Women WANT.”

          You want what? To be a man? You havent really detailed this exactly. Are you sure even you know what you want?

        • As Salamu Alaikum Mary!

          I must admit I was also happy to find you, as I have not met in my search even too many women who think like us. (There are a few…) I’m not sure if other sisters really are not concerned about these issues, or are too shy to articulate their points of view…?

          May Allah give us all what we really want in Jannah.

          Perhaps as you say, we can only get unconditional love from Allah and not from humanity, and need to focus on that…

          I found the of the end of Sura Fajr immensely helpful in this regard:

          “O contented soul, come back to your Lord, well-pleased and well-pleasing (to Him). Enter among My honored slaves, enter My paradise.”

          The fabulous thing about these ayats is that in Arabic, Allah uses the female gender form in making these statements. Thus, although the statement applies to everyone with a contented soul, to me, its almost as if Allah is talking more directly to women here than to men…And Allah knows best…

        • Oh my goodness i can completely relate i get those waswas and whispers it’s not just about polygamy sometimes i doubt my own self worth as a woman and think that no matter the answers i come across i will always be second best and that there’s no way to avoid this(astagfurallh)
          but we all go through problems and trials in our life, one thing i would advise you to do is to never give up searching for the answers and believe that Allah SWT will provide you with an understanding and a peace about this that you can’t even imagine (TRUST me i know it can be difficult to think like this but Allah is always with you) i just force myself in moments of distress and despair to put my trust in Allah, and that he gave me the capability to reason and to have the questions i do and inshallah he will take care of me and all my questions will be answered, also something else that really puts my heart at ease in those moments are these two things
          1. to remind myself that Allah KNOWS, he knows every emotion, thought, doubt, worry ect. EVERYTHING no matter how fleeting or subtle the thought or emotion was and he understands, as long as you don’t despair of Allah’s mercy and try your best to believe somehow someway that you will be guided-even if you can’t see how-Allah will guide you
          2. Allah is the Ultimate Trustee. Prophet Muhammad ( PBUH ) said :
          If you trust Allah as He should be trusted, He would provide for you as He
          provides for the birds: they are hungry and empty in the morning, but by the
          end of the day, they become full and well fed
          Termedhi, Ibn Majja & Ahmad
          so if the animals who don’t have the intellect and reason that we do are taken care of without even asking, believe in your heart that if you continue to make sincere dua and strive Allah will answer you and guide you

          now i’m pretty sure you’ve done this and you have to keep going i know sometimes after putting your trust in Allah there can be a multitude of waswas that come in your head and despite considering every angle sometimes you just don’t see a way out, not to mention the “what ifs” after “what ifs” that always overwhelm me to a point difficult to express in words-like this horrible sinking pain in my stomach-despair

          but sister hold on because mashallah i see that Allah giudes me and i find bits of wisdom here and there that resonate with me and rebuild my self worth or i find a video that says just what i need WHEN i need it this all helps to rebuild my resolve to keep striving. I am not really that knowledgeable about Islam and am in desperate need to learn my deen, but what always helps me is just to cry to Allah and to try and be as sincere as i can be, and sometimes i get to the point where i’m so overwhelmed and i don’t see a way out that all i can manage to say is “Allah i just don’t know but you know best please guide me and help me with this trial” whatever you can muster even if you just sit there and cry Allah, inshallah Allah will surely respond just hang in there
          also if it’s something i’ve learned, it’s that these types of problems have so much value, through them Allah strengthens us and we get closer to him, acquire knowledge and wisdom MASHALLAH sometimes we have to get to this point of confusion and despair to truly turn back to him, sister you seem better than me, at least you make regular dua i really need to work on myself, hang in there and you are in my duas <3
          although i may not be dealing with the exact same problem i am struggling to find my place as muslimah and inshallah may Allah guide all of us and protect us from paranoia, hastiness, despair and the evils within our soul

          and i promise i'm done after this lol but there's this video i watched-on this site actually-that relly helped me i'm not sure whether it is related to the problems you're gong through but the speaker is AMAZING so eloquent and i feel that even if it doesn't answer you're question in the least you will benefit from it
          It's Tough Being a Girl:

      • Salam to everyone

        sorry for misunderstanding the view point but i wrote a long reply because i wanted to sympathaize and be empathic and i understand how women might feel jealous and broke seeing their husband with other wives and the husband not tolerating the same with her. I ask my sister about it too and she said she does nt no nor it will happen to her since in the country where i live of 180 million plus, i yet have nt met a person with polygamy.

        For your answer about Hawa being side kick for Adam,i ask the following

        If we invert the case of Prophet Adam and Eve,with Hazrat Hawwa being created first and then Adam,then what are your opinion? Or some might say Hazrat Hawwa were nt had required any partner for comfort?

        And if this is the case that Eve was created for Adam because he wanted someone,this implies something more dangerous,that the urge in Adam was wrong at first place and since its Allah who created him,Allah has wronged and has fault in his design of Adam or men with that sort of strong urge(Nauzu Billah)??

        I know your answer will be “off course not” but this is the reality that men and women are that way and Adam was created before Hawa.

        And your remembring of that Hadith is write and according to other narration there will be no pian,envy,ill feeling or hatred in heaven,so everyone will be satisfied wat ever they will get,no more no less.

        I guess u can contact a female scholar

        “Ustadha Hedaya Hartford,who is known for her Sharia expertise on women’s issues regarding the fiqh of menstruation, lochia, marriage, divorce, and modern social issues. Born and raised in California, she holds a Bachelors of Arts in Arabic and Islamic History & Culture from the University of California, Berkeley. She converted to Islam in 1981.She has also studied in Arab countries and is master in Islamic jurisprudence especially for women issues”

        (website link,an online school for islamic studies)

        Hopefully if u contact her somehow from the link above,InshAllah she can or might be the one you sisters are looking for.

        • Salaam Mohammed Talut,

          Thank you for your reply.

          I realise I started the whole thing off by coming across a little ‘frustrated’, so sincerely apologise because it probably came across quite rude. I respect you for asking your sister as to how she would feel.

          Your quite right. I actually agree that Allah swt creates as He wills and there is wisdom behind all that He does so naturally I don’t think there is any flaw with His creation.

          Its like the other sister said; Its all a test or a form of internal struggle. And that’s why were here on this earth to be tested.

          Its not that I was suggesting that the urge for companionship was wrong in Adam. I like the idea of having a husband and children etc. I actually want my husband to be the one ‘leading’ in the relationship.

          I just felt that in the same way a Man would expect and want loyalty from his wife then why is it wrong for a Woman to feel and want the same. Suddenly she’s black-listed as a feminist for even having such ‘heathen’ thoughts(take for example our dear friend ‘Fezz’ who somehow managed to twist this debate off on some tangent to focus on equality, gender and feminism).

          I will gladly email the lady you mentioned if I have any further queries regarding Polygamy.

          Thanks again.


          p.s. I was going to reply to ‘Fezz’ in this entry but I think the guy needs answering to separately. He somehow thinks this is a debate involving feminists and gender quality. Its about Polygamy.

      • I guess the following person may interest you

        Ustadha Hedaya Hartford known for her Sharia expertise on women’s issues regarding the fiqh of menstruation,marriage, divorce, and modern social issues.

        Born and raised in California, she holds a Bachelors of Arts in Arabic and Islamic History & Culture from the University of California, Berkeley. She converted to Islam in 1981.

      • The feminist focus on achieving a total equality of characteristics, traits, and methods is – I suspect- what is driving many of these issues. If each gender has a particular role to play; a male to provide/defend and a female to comfort/nurture – why does this drive the feminisits mad? THey want it all – the uniqueness of female gender must be recognised but not the particular responisbilities which they must play. Ultimately is it – I wonder – that these people despise the thought of being a wife and homemaker and having show deference (note NOT subservience) to the husband as the leader of the household? If Hawa (AS) was created to provide companionship and support why does this make her somehow inferior in purpose? Her obedience and effort in serving Allah manifested in a slightly different form. In fact the fulmillment of this is SO CRITICAL in the family unit that a woman JUST completing her fard and following the husband (as long as no haram is involved) can enter jannah from ANY gate.

        We see many of the hadiths emphasising the importance of the structure of the family unit frequently derided (hadiths which even give women an ‘easier’ road to Jannah). We witness this disease around us so much so that many of our best scholars appear embarrassed about the Islamic view of the family and only whisper these narrations in hushed tones.

        If we are not careful ‘Hijabi-feminism’ (the copy-paste of Western feminism into Islam but with a hijab and a bit less free mixing) will rip the family to shreds. It has happened already in the West and is beginning to take root in the Muslim world as we speak.

        • Salaam

          I’m afraid you suspect wrong.

          This is not a debate regarding Feminists.
          It was about Polygamy.

          If your going to insinuate that I am a Feminist then I suggest you think again.

          Can I ask where exactly I refuted to fulfil any of the responsibilities that a Woman should or must fulfil as a Muslim? I’m afraid you’ll find that I didn’t compare roles and responsibilities. My main argument or basis for debate was regarding Polygamy.

          Despise being a home maker or a wife?! My mother, the closest Woman to me in this entire Cosmos is a home maker AND a wife.. are you implying that I despise everything she stands for??

          I’m afraid your very wrong.

          If I am a Feminist then why would I have ended one of my replies clearly stating that I hope to be married to a monogamous man?

          Also contrary to your many presumptions I have one more ‘injury’ to add- I’m not a ‘hijabi’. I don’t wear the Hijab. I wonder if the Prophet pbuh was alive today; would he shun me and black-list me as an example of a ‘non-hijabi undercover western feministic disease’ thats ripping the families of his Ummah apart.. ?

          I highly doubt it.

          Before you black list me about Hijab I want to clearly state that I highly respect the Hijab.

        • No. I don’t want to be a Man. Is that clear enough for you?

          Let me pose a question for you?

          Imagine sharing your wife with FOUR other Men in THIS world…

          Now imagine your Wife enters Jannah and she is given a tent 60 miles big and in each corner are fair husbands where she spends time with all of them separately; all of these husbands are unknown to each other.. but its ok because in Paradise there is not enmity or jealousy..

          All these Men will be loyal to her..

          Now answer me HONESTLY… how would you feel?

          If this is (no doubt) intolerable to you.. how do you think a Woman might feel?

          Its about jealousy. Its about loyalty and love and not just being another statistic.

          So you see this goes far and beyond the roles and responsibilities of a Man or Woman. How do you think it feels when your told the reason for polygamy in this life is to resolve societal problems when in Jannah its a reward.

          Anyway I’ve buried my inability to understand and place my trust in Allah that He knows best. Point is we’re not meant to understand everything that Allah does. Intellectual humility is something I have come to love; its a testimony to how Great and Powerful Allah is.

          His Knowledge is Infinite and unto Him we shall all return.

        • Assalam Alikum

          I guess the issue abt which these sisters talking about is misunderstood and they cant be painted in feminist costume.Their argument is totally on differnt plane,which i understand (is quite natural for some women).

          Putting every thing on one side,or keeping everything else constant ( if a man gets hurt and pissed if he sees another man with his wife,then why the women should nt feel the same way,since loyalty is the main thing every one seeks,demands and respects in a relation)

          And my sister who is Ultra Niqabi and very practicing(not feminist),I posed this question to her long time ago and she did not say no no wat u talking about…. but she said that I want reward from Allah and so as those women who are patient about it and take it as will and wisdom of Allah(and this is their inner struggle if they are sincere)

          So i guess women, when ask these question,should nt be snubbed or bashed (becuz already they are suffering becuz of this,strictness will make it more worse)

          but should be given good and heart calming answers and be given hope that Inshallah Allah will reward them big time (may be something special!!)

          (again i mention,it is not the issue and question of femnism but a human’s psyche and innate disposition)

  • Salam to everyone

    sorry for misunderstanding the view point but i wrote a long reply because i wanted to sympathaize and be empathic and i understand how women might feel jealous and broke seeing their husband with other wives and the husband not tolerating the same with her. I ask my sister about it too and she said she does nt no nor it will happen to her since in the country where i live of 180 million plus, i yet have nt met a person with polygamy.

    For your answer about Hawa being side kick for Adam,i ask the following

    If we invert the case of Prophet Adam and Eve,with Hazrat Hawwa being created first and then Adam,then what are your opinion? Or some might say Hazrat Hawwa were nt had required any partner for comfort?

    And if this is the case that Eve was created for Adam because he wanted someone,this implies something more dangerous,that the urge in Adam was wrong at first place and since its Allah who created him,Allah has wronged and has fault in his design of Adam or men with that sort of strong urge(Nauzu Billah)??

    I know your answer will be “off course not” but this is the reality that men and women are that way and Adam was created before Hawa.

    And your remembring of that Hadith is write and according to other narration there will be no pian,envy,ill feeling or hatred in heaven,so everyone will be satisfied wat ever they will get,no more no less.

    I guess u can contact a female scholar

    “Ustadha Hedaya Hartford,who is known for her Sharia expertise on women’s issues regarding the fiqh of menstruation, lochia, marriage, divorce, and modern social issues. Born and raised in California, she holds a Bachelors of Arts in Arabic and Islamic History & Culture from the University of California, Berkeley. She converted to Islam in 1981.She has also studied in Arab countries and is master in Islamic jurisprudence especially for women issues”

    (website link,an online school for islamic studies)

    Hopefully if u contact her somehow from the link above,InshAllah she canbe or might be the one you sisters are looking for.

    • As Salamu Alaikum,

      Jazak Allahu Br. Muhammad for opening your mind and your heart to try and understand how some of us feel!

      Regarding the creation of Adam and Eve, I must admit that I do sometimes ask question such as ‘why couldnt they have been created at the same time, with the purpose of fulfilling each other’s needs?’

      Then, of course, as you say I say, ‘Audhu Billah, Allah knows best how He creates and the order He creates in.’

      This is also a part of my jihad…

      But I also suspect that there is more to the creation of women than meets the eye…which we will only fully appreciate in the hereafter.

  • this is a great article Mash Allah. This is the 1st time i have come across such an article which has freely expressed how married women feel attracted towards other men. The only thing that has been missed is the mention of mental zina that women often commit. If the writer comes up with another part to this article with deals with mental zina and how to stop this temptation it would be great.

  • Slms,
    Is it permissible to pray for guidance for the brother you had feelings for but had to cut off contact for the sake of Allah swt? I’m not praying for him to be mine, just for both of us to be happy in our own marriages…is ok?

    • There’s no problem in praying for another brother (or sister) in Islam. That shows that you truly want the best for him, and inshaAllah you will be rewarded for that. I would just caution from thinking about him too much, or dwelling over the past so that it doesn’t affect your own marriage relationship.

  • Thanks for raising this issue, it is occurring much more than we think, especially in mixed schools it’s starting to be seen in our younger sisters. We need more articles like this!

    • an even bigger issue that is ignored is there are many married muslim sisters suggesting single muslim brothers they are secretly in love with – to their single muslim friends! they then become visibly upset when their single friends turn down their self-serving suggestions. sigh…may allah (swt) guide these unhappy married sisters.

  • Assalaamu alaikum, please help me, I don’t know what to do. I am married but sexually attracted to another man. I have tried everything in this article, I repent then after some time i repent the sin again. I am supposed to feel disgusted at what I did but when I think about it, the thought excites me… How do I give this up for good? I feel that my repentance isn’t genuine if I still get excited thinking about it. My husband doesn’t satisfy me, I havetr ied and tried with him, he is not bothered at all, he doesn’t even turn me on anymore. What do i do???

    • My advice, and I’m not a scholar at all…..stop meeting the guy that excites you. Out of mind out of heart. Just like Allah told Adam (as) don’t go near the tree, not don’t eat the fruit of the tree; keeping away from him will lessen the attraction until it only becomes a distant fantasy in your mind, which inshallah will fade away as well.
      Try and get satisfied by your husband as he is halal for you, a lot of the attraction and feelings women have are more emotional and so try to be in the moment more, either watch or read something romantic before approaching your husband so your mind is ready before intimacy.
      If everything is tried and you still can’t forget the guy then sadly your last option, and this may sound harsh, is divorce, there’s no point being trapped in a miserable relationship. It’s not fair for you or your husband… in a way you will be deceiving him thinking of another man, just imagine him thinking of another woman whilst being married to you….it’s not nice and it’s hurtful.

    • It is truly Allah’s blessing that he puts love for our spouse in our hearts inspite of all the distractions. Act of kindness, a gift, a friendly gesture, forgiveness etc for your spouse, without hoping for anything in return except reward from Allah are good steps in general. Hope and pray that they lead to feelings of love and intimacy also.

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