Originally published in April 2010
Part I | Part II
Before I got married, I was given unsolicited advice on how to change in order to make myself “more appealing” to men. Sisters would voluntarily tell me I should change my dress style, personality and passion for activism in order not to scare them away.
I was frustrated. Since when was our purpose in life marriage? Where in the Qur’an does Allah The Provider—The One Who has written our provision in every aspect of our lives—ask us to change our personalities and tone down our activism in hopes of sacking a spouse? Why would I want to change myself to please someone else and marry someone who doesn’t actually appreciate who I truly am in the first place?
Nevertheless, with marriage being such a huge concern for our community, many face the temptation to change who they are and their core values for the sake of finding a spouse.
Here’s an idea: Instead of working to please a potential suitor, perhaps we should first seek to please Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), the One Who sows the seed of love in our hearts and can bless us with our dream husband or dream wife or give us better than it if that’s what is best for us.
Thus, for those of us seeking to get married, in addition to looking for marriage at every event, let’s look for marriage in our relationship with Al Wahhab, The Giver of All. Let’s be honest. We are talking about the Al Mujeeb, The Responder to Prayer. Those are amongst the Names of Allah! Allah gives and He answers!
If we are individuals who struggle to lower our gaze and protect our eyes, heart, tongue and body from falling into what is forbidden, don’t we know that Allah `azza wa jall (the Might and Majestic) will indeed massively reward us?
Every time we glance up and see someone we wish we could be with and then turn away, in that moment we can fervently ask Allah (swt) to bless us with a spouse who will be the sweetness of our eyes. Would not Allah `azza wa jall listen to and accept your supplication to Him? The Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) has encouraged us with regards to our dua (supplication), “Ask and you will be given, ask you will be given,” (at-Tirmithi).
In those moments in the last third of the night, in those two rakahs (units of prayer) which we make out of pure frustration of our situation, weeping, asking Allah (swt) to answer us—do we not think Allah rabul`alameen (Lord of the Worlds) will respond to us? How could Allah, The Responder, possibly not accept the supplication of His adamant worshipper who is painfully struggling to maintain his or her modesty and guard his or her chastity? Allahu Akbar (God is the Greatest), this is Allah! Without doubt Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala is going to answer us!
The Prophet ﷺ relates from Allah, the Lord of All the Worlds, in a hadith qudsi:
“Our Lord (glorified and exalted be He) descends each night to the earth’s sky when there remains the final third of the night, and He says: ‘Who is saying a prayer to Me that I may answer it? Who is asking something of Me that I may give it him? Who is asking forgiveness of Me that I may forgive him?’” (Bukhari)
What is hooking up with a brother or sister on Facebook worth if we’re not more adamant about hooking up with the One Who can hook us up?
As Shaykh Muhammad Faqih once said, “Hook up with Allah, Allah will hook you up!”
Let’s hook up with salah (prayer)! Hook up with the Qur’an! Hook up with community work for Allah’s Sake! And have certainty that when we struggle to please Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, Allah, Ash-Shakoor, is the Most Appreciative of our work and will undoubtedly reward us.
Will that reward be in the form of an amazing spouse and an amazing marriage? Allah knows best. Perhaps it may and perhaps it may not. However, the best part is that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala knows what is BEST for us and regardless of the outcome, we’ll have increased in the closeness of our relationship to Him through this test.
The Prophet ﷺ has told us, “Any Muslim who supplicates to Allah in a du`a’ which contains no sin breaking of kinship, Allah will give him one of three things: either his du`a’ will be immediately answered or, it will be saved for him in the hereafter, or it will turn away an equivalent amount of evil (from him)…” (Ahmad).
Thus, we must know that if we hook up with Allah, we can trust that He will hook us up with whatever is best, whether it be an answer to exactly what we are asking for or something better than that for us. Allah got our backs! Who better to trust our future with than the One Who already knows it?
Easier said than done? Maybe. But what have we got to lose? If at the end of the day, we are only increasing in closeness to Allah (swt), we are finding our Qur’anic recitation increasing, we are finally tasting the sweetness of our salah, we’re making more fervent duaa than ever before—then, God willing, we will have gained more than a spouse if one gets married, and we would have gained much more than facebook “cruising for a spouse” time while we’re attempting to find our better half.
Those of us looking to get married must take the means necessary—meeting new people, getting involved with new organizations and projects, considering online options or singles’ events… We must take the means necessary for the outcome. But let us not forget that the One Who will facilitate the outcome should be on our minds, in our hearts and worshipped through our actions in more passionate, fervent ways than the time and effort we justifiably spend searching for our better halves.
And if marriage does not become a reality for whatever reason is best, then by focusing on increasing in our relationship with Allah (swt), we would have gained much, much more in both this life and the Next, God willing; a higher rank in the highest Paradise, an amazingly close relationship with our Creator and unparalleled new relationship with du`a’ (supplication) to the One Who always hears and responds.
The Lord of the Worlds speaks to us and tells us, “And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, then I am indeed near. I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me. So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright,” (Quran, 2:186).
We are coming to Allah with raja (hope), with a powerful combination of seeking Allah’s pleasure, striving to leave anything which may gain His displeasure and making a consistent effort to ask Him to open the best of ways for us. And with all of that, we’re putting our trust in Him that He will give us whatever is best. Of course Allah is listening and He will undoubtedly answer us.
As was once stated, “A person has never held certainty in Allah only for Allah to disappoint him or her. Never will Allah disappoint those with yaqeen (certainty), tawakkul (reliance) and husn al-dhann (good opinion) of Him.”
Hook up with Allah and Allah, the All Wise, will undoubtedly hook us up in the best of ways.
Amazing article! Very much needed. So many times sisters are encouraged to live life in the pursuit of marriage-having to put everything on hold and change their ways so that they meet the perfect image. Alhamdulilah this article articulated exactly the rx needed 🙂
When the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) was asked about what most frequently makes people enter Paradise, he (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Fear of Allah and good manners.” (reported in Tirmidhi)
Let’s not change our good manners in seeking attention. MashaAllah. BarakAllah fiika Sister.
“Where in the Qur’an does Allah ask us to change our personalities, dress style and tone down our activism in hopes of getting hitched?”
Jazakallahi Khair. May Allah reward you. These are some very much needed words for youth like myself.
Awesome! Just at the when I needed something like this the most. May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala bless you and all the sisters and brothers in abundance.
maashAllah sister you are awesome. Jazak Allah 5ayr for the fantastic words, please keep it up!!! you are inspiring, educating & entertaining!
Masha’Allah! It is amazing. What really stroke my mind while reading is the verse in surat al-Dhariyat: I created Jin and mankind but to worship Me.
We are created to worship, love and obey Allah’s command and nothing else. However, we always forget the mission for which we mainly came to existence to engage in troubles searching for our destined provision. Everything is destined and we have to work for Allah’s sake to get His infinite blessings.
We love Allah.
I feel as if these articles are especially written for me, to provide me with the much needed guidance. Thank you very much for it! May Allah subhana wa ta’ala bless you for your effort!
May Allah reward you Maryam for saying what needs to be heard, and living it! May Allah increase you and strengthen you always!
Ameen. baarak Allahu feeki Maryam 🙂
Even looking at this from a perspective not fully including intending to please Allah swt, the spouse I would like are the people that dress modestly and are active in the dawah, not the sisters dressing flashy and trying to court guys at every event. Consequently, its a win-win situation, because you get the better reward, the reward of Allah swt, and the reward of a spouse who is better. Allahu Akbar!
Jazak Allah Khair…
Absolutely love this article. Jazaki Allahu khayran. 🙂 Much needed reminder.
Through Ahmad, from Abu Darda’. The Messenger of God was delivering a sermon. He said, “Whoever fears standing before his Sustainer shall have two paradises.” Abu Darda’ asked, “Even if he commits fornication and theft, Messenger of God?” The Messenger of God repeated, “Whoever fears standing before his Sustainer shall have two paradises.” Abu Darda’ asked a second time, “Even if he commits fornication and theft, Messenger of God?” The Messenger of God said a third time, “Whoever who fears standing before his Sustainer shall have two paradises.” Abu Darda’ asked a third time, “Even if he commits fornication and theft, Messenger of God?” And he replied, “Even in spite of Abu Darda’!’” (Tirmidhi 2369)
Barek Allah feeki for addressing this issue! Unfortunately, sisters are encouraging single sisters to change their good characteristics to in order to score a husband, it is so disappointing and annoying!
SubhanAllah. jazakAllah, this is beautiful.
the title is amazing.
love it! masha’Allah awesome article. Jazaki Allahu khairan!
In Saheeh al-Bukhari, the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam says:
“When Allah subhaanahu wa ta’aala loves someone, he calls Jibreel and Allah then says, ‘Ya Jibreel! Inni uhibbu fulan! (Oh Jibreel! Verily, I love such and such a person, so love him!)’
And Allah names that person and then Jibreel loves that person. Then Jibreel calls out to all the angels of the heavens and he says,
‘Allah loves so and so, so love him!’and so all the angels love him. And then Allah places pleasure in the hearts of the people towards this person!”
AA Ahmed Faqih,
You made me cry.
Timely reference from the beautiful garden of ahadeeth.
Jazak Allah Khair
Mashallah sister, good job and thanks for sharing it with us, may ALLAH reward you for this and give us the strength to share it with other.
MAY ALLAH BLESS ALL MUSLIMS BROTHERS ANS SISTERS. AMEN
MashaAllah what insightful words of naseeha,coming from someone so young! Being a mother of 3 daughters who are involved in Islamic activism,I have been guilty of pressuring them to dress up for events and such…NEVER AGAIN!! This article gives me hope that Allah swt will provide them with righteous and believing spouses without putting themselves on display,InshaAllah.
Beautiful- really lifts up the spirits! May Allah reward you 🙂
I do very much admire the sentiment in this article, but what troubles me is the difference between the theory that is espoused and the reality within the community. By what you write it appears that anyone who turns to Allah with a pure heart on this matter will be rewarded with a suitable husband, i.e. that that is a guarantee if they perform the prescribed action. Yet, there are many, many people all over the world who have indeed done this and have asked Allah for a suitable loving husband, someone who is the sweetness of their eyes, yet have received a tyrant in response. There are many people who have made this sincere supplication yet have received a husband who fails, who is violent, who is unfaithful, unloving and the bane of their existence. How is this a suitable reward for someone who supplicates sincerely to Allah?
I would like to see a response to this from someone knowledgeable. Deep down I know that response to a supplication can come in many forms. And Allah (SWT) tests people in their own ways. If someone can bridge the gap between this and the reality Celephais talks about it would be appreciated.
Taken from the article…
The Prophet ﷺ has told us, “Any Muslim who supplicates to Allah in a du`a’ which contains no sin [of] breaking of kinship, Allah will give him one of three things: either his du`a’ will be immediately answered, it will be saved for him in the hereafter, or it will turn away an equivalent amount of evil (from him)…”
Maybe that person could have married someone worse.
They just need to be patient, and have trust in Allah.
Allah will provide even better for them in the akhirah.
There are a number of reasons as for the seemingly unanswered du’a… as stated, trust and good hopes need to be placed in Allah, and alhamdulillaah.
Salam alaykum, Let me say that sometimes in life others aren’t here for us. We are there for them. WHat I mean in that sometimes the presence of one praying woman is the thing needed to tip the scales in a very dark life. I know many many stories of ppl who come from very very difficult circumstances, and it was a faithful and praying grandmother/aunt/sister/mother that finally got through to them and yanked them out of a life of darkness.
I don’t know why Allah swta operated like this. I only know that it happens. I know a man who will swear to you that the time his wife spent in supplication in the middle of the night is the only thing that saved him from drug addiction. Did she deserve him? No. Did he deserve her? No. But in the end I know that Allah swta will reward her.
I wish the world could read your idea. I wish it were posted on the older generations forehead. InshAllah. InshAllah. InshAllah.
I don’t know anymore. Perhaps, some time ago I might have agreed with the author, but nowadays I am just fed up with the construct of modesty and bashful behavior. Because in the name of modesty, and “lowering your gaze”, people have gone beyond reason. Modesty in the Islamic world is equivalent to submissive, and “lowering your gaze” has moved from something one should enforce upon themselves to society enforcing it upon women.
A while back there was this awareness campaign for breast cancer on Facebook. Women were posting the colors of their bras. But the outcry from some people was just beyond horrible. I kept a record of it: http://alifaroukshaikh.wordpress.com/2010/01/11/on-the-color-of-their-bras/
I am tired of women being told to be modest, and bashful, and quiet and all that. Enough is enough. Why does no one tell women to lead armies like Ayesha? Why are women not told to question authority like Hafsa? They were not just Mothers of the Faithful, they were the Warrior Queens of Islam. Why is that never mentioned?
Tell the women to be assertive, to stand up for themselves, to demand justice and equality. An empowered woman is a thousand times more beautiful than a submissive one.
Is not a woman empowered by being submissive to her Creator? I can’t count how many times I’ve seen and heard sisters proclaiming how much wearing hijab has empowered them and brought them closer to their Creator and made them stronger individuals. The hijab, something that is marketed as being an image of oppression in in much of the western world…
I understand where you’re coming from brother, but remember that Islam does not call people to the extremes that we sometimes see amongst our fellow Muslims. Just because the women of the time of the Prophet(saw) led armies and questioned authroity[and rightfully so] doesn’t mean they were not at the same time, both modest and submissive. The reason modesty is so beautiful is because it’s been all but thrown out the window in this society.
I admire a woman who is modest before Allah, because it’s her personal jihad. Especially here where so much emphasis is placed on the physical, practicing Muslim women refuse to be judged soley on that basis. We’re really the last Ummah fighting to hold onto these beautiful principles. Ahlil Kitaab have already conformed to this secularist push for the watering down of Religion.
I’m in agreement with you, but I don’t think our Sisters need to abandon modesty or bashfulness, in order to be assertive and strong examples. Because these were also qualities of our Prophet(saw). He was a gentle Prophet, but he was a Lion when the circumstances called for it. As his follwers, I hope that we can emulate that example…
I agree with you completely. What you mentioned in the above is necessary and what I personally try to live and encourage my fellow sisters to do so while speaking out aggressively against those who call for women’s roles to be opposite the great Islamic legacy our forewomen and men have left behind.
However, that’s for another article in sha’ Allah. The focus of this article was not only on women, nor was it on women’s roles. It was about revamping our relationship with Allah and seeking to change only to please Him instead of someone else just for the sake of getting married.
jazak Allahu khayran
jazak Allah these r so much heart touching words
Jazakallahu khairan for this beautifully written article!
Masha Allah!! I think sometimes we forget that we rely on Allah only for a good spouse.. I remember one advice, when you want to find a spouse, correct your relationship with Allah first. How do we expect a stable relationship with our (future) spouse when our relationship with Allah isn’t established to begin with?..
Love this article! good reminder!
The article is amazing if it put into practice. However, I do agree with Ali’s comments about empowering women. Women should be empowered to to demand justice and and their rights. Women too are warriors of Islam, they are not just doormats for people to wipe thier feet on.
fantastic article and much needed for all us single muslims!!
id like to add that i understand and agree with Ali, it is the extremist approach to islam that people adopt which has made women lag in terms of contributing to society.
I feel as if these articles are especially written for me, to provide me with the much needed guidance.
may Allah bless u!!!
perfect guidance 4 me…as if it has been writen while taking my situation in account of….may Allah bless u….
Assalam alaikum maryam,
May Allah[swt] bless you and your family with highest level in jannah,
May Allah protect you,Ameen
Jazaki Allah khyaran for this wonderful article.
SubhanAllah. May this be easy to remember always.
[…] (www.virtualmosque.com) […]
I have an important question to ask regarding the following “a du`a’ which contains no sin [of] breaking of kinship” – what does kinship actually mean?
MashaAllah! I have found many articles on this website to be so refreshing and relevant to everyday life. May Allah guide all of the authors’ words to be correct and help them to keep writing articles that help us in our daily lives to remember Allah and to do the right thing!
Jazkum Allah Kul Khair Sister for your beautiful article!
As a man, when I first started reading this article, I was able to relate to the situation you faced with your sisters trying to tell you how to get married. Sometimes people tell me that when Im ready to get married I need to shave the beard and change my ways. At times, the thought has crossed my mind that these people may be right when deep down I know its not true. After reading this article, I feel more energized to keep doing what Im doing and to try even better to get closer to Allah.
It just makes perfect sense; do you really think that Allah will punish you by making it impossible for you to find a spouse because you are following his commands? No way!
Thank you for the reminder sister,
Excellent article.. it’s a shame the materialist world changes to please every other than Allah (SWT)
subhannallah, this post was interesting, truth on both paths,
Put your full trusts in Allah and nothing can go wrong inshaallah
My humble thoughts inspired by this deep article
It is the only way and best way….
It is ALLAH’s way ….
When we are on HIS way,
We will not go stray,
So don’t dismay,
ALLAH won’t desert you, no how, no way
Have faith and make your pray,
ALLAH’s love in your heart it’ll stay
And all be well on Judgement Day.
A spouse will come somehow someday,
It’s ALLAH’s will so don’t play-play,
Time to improve ourselves that’s why the delay,
For a right spouse for us to prepare and prepay,
A spouse will love us even if we wear a toupee,
Equip our Iman to fix and purvey,
InsyaALLAH we’ll attend your wedding day.
Peace ………. & Khair InsyaALLAH.
by Zuhri Yuhyi on a lovely 20th day of Ramadhan. I miss Ramadhan already :_(
(Disclaimer: I’m not a professional poet, I just have the need to rhyme sometimes heheheheee. 🙂
I enjoyed reading your poem! Masha Allah
Sallam. Mashallah an amazing article. I loved reading it, it give me another perspective on a lot of things. I have benefited from this article a whole lot. I am grateful for the author for writing this article and doing such an amazing job capturing “What can bring closer to Allah(swt)”. We are so far away from our deen nowadays that it’s very scary and sad. We need to promote this article as much as possible. People need to read this amazing message that the author beautiful wrote. Jazakallah kheir Author. May allah(swt) reward you for it. Sallamz.
Hello! My name is Melissa, and I am from Chicago. I read your article (very in-depth) and was wondering what it takes for a person raised in the Catholic faith to become Islamic. Is this possible? I believe in so many of the values you speak of, but wonder if it is even shameful for me to ask to join your faith. Your values are mine, and nothing in the West has ever made me believe that anything past Earthly life exists. I feel a void that needs an end. Please, don’t sugar-coat anything for me. I would just like to know what it feels like to be born into a faith that has so much truth involved. Missiey Mentzel.
I also live in Chicago. If you investigate Islam and feel Islam is for you just embrace it. My wife (former Catholic) and I are both converts to Islam. Maybe you have seen the ads on the CTA asking people to call 877-WHY-ISLAM. If you don’t know any Muslims personally, please call the number above or IMAN @ 773.434.4626 someone can help you there.
I just saw your post! Everyone is welcome to accept Islam! Most of my relatives are converts as well, many from Christianity. Thank you brother Jeremiah for posting the above information. Missey, please feel free to contact me personally as well. I live in CA but I can also help connect you with some good Muslims in Chicago who can hopefully help answer any questions you may have.
Salam Sr. Maryam
I have emailed you a question at your email address above. Please do respond. Thanks
As Salamu Alikum Wa RahmatAllah,
Sister this is a wonderful piece and I applaud you for being so eloquent. Alhamdullah I am glad to see that you share my same perspective. I think It’s so important to remind ourselves first that we are but mere travelers in this world and our ultimate goal is Jannah , if during our stay here Allah blesses us with an amazing spouse we say Alhamdullah , if not , we continue to move forward in perfecting our character for Allah alone, as he is the only thing that can change our condition .
Jazakallah Khair ,
[…] you – do you not think Allah the Rabb al-`alameen (Lord of the Worlds) will not respond to you? Allahu Akbar (God is the Greatest), this is Allah! Without doubt Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) is going to […]
[…] Hook Up with Allah, Allah will Hook You Up – An empowering article that responds to the pressures of changing oneself for the wrong reasons, particularly changing for the worse due to pressures to marry. […]
[…] Hook Up with Allah, Allah will Hook You Up – An empowering article that responds to the pressures of changing oneself for the wrong reasons, particularly changing for the worse due to pressures to marry. […]
good thought n reminder.
Everybody already been set their soulmate by almight Allah. Whether sooner or later is only the matter of time.
Put trust on Allah.
Insya Allah this is will be part of the opportunity for us to learn more, gain knowledge, etc, before we move on to marriage life. Allah know what best for us. If we can get Allah love, nothing else matter n bothering us. The question is, are we crazily hunting for human love only despite hunting for Allah’s love??? DO come back to Allah. Ask for HIS Love, Ask for His forgiveness.
p/s: allow me to share this article with others.
“Instead of working to please a potential suitor, perhaps we should first seek to please Allah, the One who sows the seed of love in our hearts and can bless us with our dream husband or dream wife”
While reading this article, tears started to roll down my eyes. I couldn’t agree with you anymore. Growing up as a desi girl, I always been told my others to dress more attractive and to present myself in a manner so I can find a perfect spouse. I realized that we get so involved in this materialistic world and trying to please others that we sometimes forget to go our one and only source in life Allah (swt). JazakAllah Khair for such an amazing article!
[…] Part I | Part II […]
may Allah reward you with jannah…this is a much needed article in such an era..assalamu alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh!
This was a lovely article. However, I have often asked myself this question, and I think it is very relevant. As muslims, do we believe that as long as we do dua, we will be granted a spouse?
How does that make sense in the real world?
If we want a job, do we just do dua, or do we apply for jobs, get the word out, make sure we look nice and groomed for the job interview, etc?
Many many girls do not get married in the west because our parents believe that as long as we do dua to Allah, we will be granted a spouse. And I don’t think that is the proper philosophy. Dua brings us closer to God and supplements our efforts. Allah creates circumstances and everything else is up to us. If we do not make efforts to get married, then that is a choice that we make….we cannot sit back and say that God did not answer our dua’s. God gave us free will to do whatever we pleased.
As long as our efforts to get married and find a spouse are not haram, then we should be actively pursuing those efforts. Furthermore, given that muslims in North America — particularly muslims of a marriageable age — are a minority, our efforts should be very aggressive because the “pool” from which we will find our spouse is very, very small and limited.
This article provides some nice sentiments. We should always do dua. But am I more likely to find a spouse than the girl who lives across the street, just because I read dua? Statistics will tell you that that is not the case — currently, unmarried muslim women far outnumber unmarried non-muslim women in Canada. The numbers are actually quite astounding. Amongst my non-muslim friends, almost all of them were married by age 35. Amongst my muslim friends, most of them are in their late 30’s and early 40’s and remain unmarried, myself included. In fact, many of us have had very few “proposals” but still our mothers believe that as long as you do dua, things will magically appear, just like in fairy tales. In the meantime, our childbearing years slip away, because God has created women in such a way that starting at age 40 we stop producing estrogen and eventually stop ovulating.
Let’s not equate dua with magic. Dua is a means of worship and gaining nearness to Allah. It is NOT a fast food menu, where we order what we want and God delivers.
jazakiAllahu khayran for your comment and clarification! I think there may have been a slight misunderstanding when reading this article.
My point in the article was not to change yourself just to try to impress someone else- to focus on your relationship with Allah, to stay away from the haram and try our best to do good deeds, and inshaAllah Allah will answer our duaa because we are making a connection with Him instead of disconnecting so we can connect with someone else.
However, it’s very important, as you note, to realize that what you’re making duaa for may not be what you get, and that’s why I mentioned the hadith about the different ways your duaa will be accepted.
I think the essence of the article is summed up below and maybe re-reading it would help clarify. I agree with you completely; we HAVE to take the means while making duaa and even then, whatever we’re specifically asking for might not be the best thing for us and may not happen.
But the point was about regardless of the outcome of a spouse or not, making our intention and actions one which make our connection with Allah stronger.
“Let’s hook up with salah! Hook up with the Qur’an! Hook up with community work for Allah’s Sake! And have certainty that when we struggle to please Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala), Ash-Shakoor is the Most Appreciative of our work and will undoubtedly reward us.
Will that reward be in the form of an amazing spouse and an amazing marriage? Allah knows best. But the best part is that Allah knows what is BEST for us and that His bounties are limitless.
The Prophet ﷺ has told us, “Any Muslim who supplicates to Allah in a du`a’ which contains no sin [of] breaking of kinship, Allah will give him one of three things: either his du`a’ will be immediately answered, it will be saved for him in the hereafter, or it will turn away an equivalent amount of evil (from him)…” (Ahmad).
Thus, we must know that if we connect with Allah, we can trust that Allah will grant us whatever is best, whether it be an answer to exactly what we are asking for or something better. Allah has got our backs! Who better to trust our future with than the One who already knows it?
Easier said than done? Maybe. But what have you got to lose? If at the end of the day you are only increasing in closeness to Allah, increasing in reading the Qur’an, tasting the sweetness of your salah, and making more sincere du`a’ then insha’Allah (if Allah wills) you will have gained more than simply “a spouse” if you get married and you would have gained much more than facebook “cruising for a spouse” time while you’re attempting to find your better half…Insha’Allah you will gain more in this life and the next, and an unwavering relationship with Allah!”
it is advice like this that has given muslim girls false hope – and I quote directly from your article:
“Get what you really want: “Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next”
By reciting a prayer 7 times you will be getting a spouse?
The article is a bit misleading in that regard. I mean, you do say:
“What is hooking up with a brother or sister on gchat or facebook worth in comparison to hooking up with the One who can hook you up?
As Shaykh Muhammad Faqih once said, “Hook up with Allah, Allah will hook you up!””
I’m not suggesting that the key to finding a spouse is on facebook or gchat! However, the above paragraph suggests that young people should rely on prayer and the Quran only, and not other methods, to find someone.
I think in this climate where muslim women are remaining unmarried the Islamic community MUST provide proactive and practical advice to so that we can find our “labaas”, ie our spouse. Allah SWT places a great of emphasis on the family as the cornerstone of Islamic life. Women are born with wombs to carry babies and breasts to feed them. Hence, the advice by intelligent, muslim scholars liek yourself MUST go beyong (1) don’t worry read Quran and everythign will fall into place, (2) ask your family and (3) go on Muslim matchmaking websites.
It just has to be far more than that.
I am sorry if I sound harsh because this was a nice article, but in the 21st century Muslim women need more than JUST the Quran and websites to get married!!!!!!
oh yeah, subhan Allah, I completely agree with you. I guess I just have to say that the way I wrote the article was not to give the impression that I think I gave you, and my apologies for the misunderstanding.
I honestly don’t know how productive it is to explain what I really meant and I meant what was quoted completely differently than the way you understood the meaning, but the bottom line is that I completely agree, I did not at all mean to give the impression that one should only make duaa and not take any measures to seek their outcomes. I simply did not continue to that part at all and focused more on the spiritual aspect of trying to please Allah instead of constantly seeking to please others because many of us were pressured to do so.
I wasn’t trying to write a marriage article on steps to get married, I just wanted to point out something which would connect a prevalent issue with turning back to Allah. However, I much appreciate your feedback and I have learned from you that I need to make sure to be explicit inshaAllah and cover all grounds, including taking steps.
And finally, with regards to the hadith, I mean, subhan Allah, I just wrote the benefit of the hadith as mentioned in the Fortress of the Muslim. I’m not a Muhaditha and cannot give you an explanation of it, but that’s what is listed as the benefit of saying this duaa.
If you knew me in person, you’d know I’m one of the most outspoken people on our communities changing, making progress, dropping cultural issues and boundaries, esp. in regards to this issue, and about taking action. I get in trouble for it sometimes 🙂
I just meant to clarify that that wasn’t the focus of my article, I think some points were not understood the way I intended, which was clearly my fault in not being explicit, and I know for the future to ensure explicitness inshaAllah so that there isn’t room for misunderstanding or mixed messages.
jazakiAllahu khayran for your feedback and please keep it coming!
You have said more eloquently exactly how I feel than I could ever have. I met Jeff Lang (a revert Prof of Maths who has written a few very good books like Struggling to Surrender; Even angels ask; Losing my religion). He said the exact same things, that we are in a minority in the west and being a practicing muslim it is hard for me to find muslim guys who are the kind I am looking for – sorry to say, something horribly went wrong with the previous generation of parents who educated and protected their daughters but allowed thier sons to freely sleep around and marry non muslim women under the guise of “women of the book” when these women are culturally Jewish/Christian (and not what they were supposed to be when the Quran gave those guidelines) just as much as these guys dating these women are culturally muslim only!! HAD they been practising muslim, girls like us would not have been “expiring on the shelves” waiting for a muslim husband! He advised me to be open with my good values and character to EVERYONE and THEn if a nonmuslim likes me, I should tell him that it is important for ME that the guy be a muslim and then invite him to Islam. that DID happen to me, but when I went to teh shaykh at the masjid to get guidance how to introduce Islam to someone who had never met/been exposed to muslims/Islam bec of the Islamophobia, the “shaykh” told me “Sister, you are educated, presentable looking and make dua inshallah Allah will bring you a muslim husband” that was FOUR years ago – I never went to that masjid again….he turned me off so much, that I started praying alone at home rather than be hurt y people like him and the “aunties” at the masjid ostracising me because I am still single and childless…I am told by women my age that they don’t want to invite me to their homes “because we worry our husbands may become interested in you” – is that a reflection of me, or, of their pathetic weak and poorly practising muslim husbands and their insecrities, but they hurt me with their comments. We need articles here to help us learn how to introduce Islam to a potential spouse – being born into the religion, I am clueless how to do that. THAT is the need of the hour for girls like me and Precious.
author said, we should change to please allah only…. I dont understand, why is practising islam about pleasing allah. shouldnt it be for our own good or we want to be good people and do good, that is why we follow islamic teachings?
p.s: i dont mean no disrespect.
@Sister momo, no offense meant but we Muslims worship Allah for pleasing Him & Him only. Being a good person is just beside the point. If you please Allah you cant help but to be a good person you know inshAllah.
Alhamdulillah, what a beautiful article. Re-affirms how I’m feeling and that patience and Du’a is the key. Jzk sister.
Great article, really exactly what i needed .. and i’ll try from now on to lower my gaze in order to be rewarded with a good spouse .. jazake Allah khayran 😀
Really great blog! Thank you so much for your effort in writting this.
Good article Sis, masha’Allah.
I’m not saying you should get close to Allah only for a mate… but it is true that when you stop looking elsewhere, and you turn to Allah for help, asking Him to be your Matchmaker – wondrous things happen! I can testify that personally. Unfortunately we only realize ‘Allah’ as the best source after we have been disappointed in worldly sources… So my advise to others, Rely on Allah BEFORE you rely on anything/one else. And watch the magic happen. [but don’t be be-sabr, have patience dear siblings-in-islam]
SubhanAllah. This article really has given me a different kind of satisfaction inside my heart. As overall, everyone knows to rely on Allah, and I do too, but when it comes to doing istekharas and things not happening in the way you wanted does indeed make me down. And I start to wonder and questions things. I pray all the time mashAllah but I needed something that will make me stronger, and this article really helped. Thank You, sister!
[…] these pensive moments, the articles I’ve read, the videos I’ve watched , the lectures I’ve listened to, the discussions I’ve […]
SubhanAllah, great article! before marriage, i prayed for a ‘saleh’ husband who can lead me to become a good muslimah .. Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT has granted my wish .. Syukur …
preach it sistah! *like! however this is only 1/2… the other half is where brothers recognize that the nice quiet, modestly dressed, active, religious sisters are the one’s they should be going after… then win win all around!!
Yup, I agree! 🙂
I agree with you; and the reverse is also true.
lol agree! Not the teeny boppers! ;p
” the other half is where brothers recognize that the nice quiet, modestly dressed, active, religious sisters are the one’s they should be going after… ”
as a brother who is married to a sister with the above mentioned qualities I can say it is the greatest gift a man could ever want or desire. A blessed treasure from Allah subhana wa ta’ala. A prayer answered and a dream come true. AlhamduLillah!
mashAllah! i loved this article…well written
May Allah reward you sister..!!
I don’t think you know what “hooking up means”. Nonetheless, good read.
The author is using hooking up as a play on words. The author is keeping up with modern lingo to appeal to the audience reading this article. Hooking up in this article is used for good, not for the bad. The point is to work on our relationship with Allah and the rest will fall in place. It’s really a play on words.
MashaAllah, this article really touched my heart and it has cleared my mind to focus on building my relationship further with Allah s.w.t. rather than fretting over getting married. Thank you sooo much for writing this and making me feel that there’s hope! 🙂
there is no hope without taqwa
MashAllah thank you for writing this!
definitely a great reminder of the importance of focus on Allah, subhana wa ta’ala, rather than this duniya. Thank yoU!
[…] Maryam Amir-Ebrahim – via SuhaibWebb.com – Before I got married, I was given unsolicited advice on how to change in order to make myself […]
[…] Yasmin Mogahed via SuhaibWebb.com – “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may […]
its a good information.May Allah set right our affairs.
MashaAllah wonderful article! May Allah bless us all with wonderful, religious spouses and may He bless us with as-seerat al mustaqeem. Ameen.
mashallah…very gud post!!
Subhanallah…thank you for such a beautiful article…i pray to Allah everyday so that He hooks me up with my other half soon…Allah knows best what’s best for me..Insyaalah..ameen..
Thank you for such a motivating article on finding a soulmate. It’s really beautiful and thanks for sharing the lovely du’a s which I am sooo going to try.
Beautiful article… Allah plans best for us…we only need to Trust Him in Allll the situations…Allah ho Akbar
i read it. i cried. i loved it!
i just shared it with all my sisters who fret, cry, whine about this particular issue that you have mentioned dear Maryam!
As Salamu Alikum!
it is a beautiful read. Masha Allah ! this is an unsolicited answer for me and I am loving Allah swt much more!
jazakillah e kahir an kaseer for this!
May Allah swt bless you and bless us with the best in this world and hearafter, make our eyes cool from our spouses and progeny and may Allah swt make us all, the imams of Mut’taqeen!
Allahum Aghfirlana! O, our Allah, please forgive us all! amen!
Salam un Alaikum Warehmatullah!
Now this is how Allah paak answers our or to get precise “my” questions. I loved the read and found it really really effective enough to boost my morale for multiplying the love for ALlah azz wajal to infinite folds.
JazakIllah hu khair for the share sis!
Allah Paak help all of us and guide us to the rightest of the paths ! Ameen!
I am in love with someone and am now married, I didn’t get on with him at first, couldn’t get my head around being married. I was always upset something was always going wrong for me in general. I was an emotional wreck untill I started wearing the hijab and And praying salah. I have now found peace in my heart and have learnt to appreciate things i already have. My question to you all is the love I felt for my ex lover has still not gone completely I still pray to Allah swt if not my ex lover in this life pls grant me him in the next life. I will make my marriage work inshahallah just by praying to Allah swt I can see myself living with my husband a very happy life. Is this wrong of me to even ask for another
man in the next life?? From reading this article it has answered some of my questions but I just want to confirm? Am sorry for going off the topic a little
To sister: only allah knows who will be
with us in jannah. Instead of worrying abt that part,
if it didnt happen in dunya, maybe it wasnot meant
to be and thats why you are now married to a different person and probably thats what is good for you. Since there’s an ayah in quran which says, Not a leaf falls without allah’s knowledge.
What you have now,is what allah has prescribed for you, and there’s definitely a blessing for believing in QADAR of allah and ur efforts to make this work, will be paid, in sha allah. There’s a huge probability that over time you’ll fall in love with ur spouse, provided u dont compare and can appreciate the goodness he has and maybe he’s the one u’ll want to be with in dunya and akhirah, at a later date. I suggest you pray to allah so that allah fills your hearts with love for each other.
Forget ur past and anything that reminds it.
Concentrate on how to be a good wife and insha allah, everything will turn out fine. May allah bless you with a happy life…
Absolutely spot on advice! I totally agree and alhamdulillah, I’ve tried desperately to stay firm on this mindset. Its not always easy, but with complete hope and conviction in Allah, Allah will not disappoint.
I’m not yet married, but alhamdulillah wa shukr, I’ve now recently met someone who I am totally happy with and insha’Allah am looking forward to spending my life with. But as always there’s always a little test of sabr with each step–but thats where all the reward is to be found too! Alhamdulillah.
Once again, jazakallah khair sis for the lovely and inspiring advice. I’m with you all the way 🙂
Masha’Allah love the article
I think it is a matter of prioritisation. I cannot deny that marriage is extremely commended in Islam, however in terms of priority, I think a human being needs to keep in mind 2 more important objectives: (1) the purpose of human creation is to worship Allah, and (2) the purpose of humans being put on earth is to be the steward of the earth and its creatures. All else that is commanded is therefore in this context.
I think it would be a failure if, in trying to fulfil a ‘how’, like ‘get married’, both fundamental objectives go unfulfilled. But, if you fulfil both human objectives, but fail in details like didn’t manage to get married, it’s still pretty ok in the big picture. I think in the modern world, we focus too much on the details without checking if it’s still consistent with fundamentals. And even in Muslim groups and movements, we are so much more preoccupied with the (1) but don’t think much at all about what our responsibilities should be for (2). I try to remember that these things are ultimately more important than some things I lapse into obsessing about. A spouse and children is entirely up to Allah’s discretion and benevolence. But my duties are up to me.
Jazakallah khair for this great and much needed post!
Assalamualaikum sister! Your writing is soo good mashAllah ! I love reading your articles. May Allah bless you with His Mercy and May he give you the highest level of Jannah in sha Allah. You dont know how much you help SubhanAllah!
i loved this article. Please let me share with friends.. TQ.
This is really beautiful advice. It reminds me of a passage in the writings of Shaikh al-Darqawi, who says that if you desire something, then turn away from it entirely in your heart and turn to God; if God wills, you will receive it.
Rumi himself says in his Fihi ma fihi that when you leave something for God, and turn to God with all your heart, then God gives you what you wished for. But by turning to God in total sincerity, you end up finding such satisfaction in God that you no longer desire what you sought in the first place. Why return to vinegar, says Ibn Arabi, once you have tasted honey?
My own shaikh’s advice regarding marriage was for me to work on your my soul; he said that it would draw a corresponding mate, since like magnets, we draw souls of a corresponding energy.
I agree the purpose of our lives is to worship Allah (swt).
However, as a 29 year old SINGLE woman, I find it disgusting how some parents bring their children up (especially women) to believe that their sole purpose is to marry. I find it equally disgusting that other people in the community make you feel inferior or less worthy because you are not married. Often using excuses against the woman, that there must be something wrong with her which is why she’s not married.
Whilst it’s fantastic to continuously hear and read these messages of praying, trusting in Allah (swt) etc, in practical terms, it doesn’t actually solve the problem. Islam is a proactive religion. Why then, do we not have a shift in mentality and address the real issues in hand instead of brushing it underneath the carpet?
1. Parenting skills of Muslims need to be addressed.
2. Parents need to stop allowing their sons to get away with things. There should be the same rules for both sexes.
3. What are our religious leaders and scholars doing practically apart from giving the advice of keeping trust in Allah (swt)? What happened to tying the camel??
To be honest, I think your article is very basic and whilst it’s awesome for those who need a quick ‘cheer-me-up’, I personally don’t think it fits in with the reality sister that there is a real issue. In fact, it’s quite reminiscent if we go back to the days of jahliyya when people were killing their daughters. Same effect but through different actions. Making women lose their self-respect, self-esteem and confidence. And I haven’t even started on what happens after marriage!
Equally disturbing is how it’s mostly women who have responded to this article and have not even flinched.
I think you missed this article written by Sr. Maryam…
Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise: http://www.virtualmosque.com/relationships/marriage-family/wifehood-and-motherhood-%E2%80%93-not-the-only-ways-to-paradise/
Nice article.. tawakkul…
1 year later and I’m now married… The best advice I ever read was ‘Seek your spouse in the middle of the night.’
Am married and going through a hard time. Marriage is definitely not the be all and end all of life. Being close to Allah has helped me and not losing hope helps me. Sometimes I look at my life before marriage and it seems simpler, happier, but with marriage comes many benefits as well as tests. Anyone interested can look at the lecture on YouTube by Nouman Ali Khan called ” the coolness of my eyes ” , where he mentions a good dua for spouses…sorry don’t know how to paste it here.
The roman English of the dua is :- Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhuriyattina qurrata aynin wajalna lil mutaqeena imama.( sorry for any mistakes )
Thank you Dear sister Maryam for writing this piece. I wish you had written this article so many years ago when I was struggling with the same exact issue. Alhamdulillah I’m glad to say that I found this out, the hard way! Of course, I would’ve loved to have had this much earlier, it would’ve made my life so much simpler! But then, Allah knows best and I would not have arrived to the point where I am today without going through all that I had…
To all the sisters and brothers who are still not married and wishing and hoping to be..do take heed of this article. There is no better “arranged marriage” than the marriage arranged by Allah for you. Because He knows what’s best for you and what you really need. I can testify to this from my own personal experience. It was a hard struggle for me previously because I pegged on my hopes on humans, who do not have the power at all. But once I submit and put all my hopes and trust in Allah, Maasha Allah! He really opened my eyes and my heart! I have never been happier than I am now, in all of my 38 years of life, with a most wonderful husband that is more than what I asked for from Him…so be patient, the journey is, no doubt hard and painful, but the reward is, nevertheless…the sweetest!
Jazakallah Khair for this x
An awesome advice for men!
SubhanAllah!! Awesome article!! It just hit the bull’s eye!
I love this article. Some parts brought me to tears. Thank you sister, for sharing your words and of those from the Quran.
this is a very beautiful article. Mashallah!!! 🙂
Jazakallah khair for sharing this article. It really consoles me T_T If we hook up with Allah, no hearts will get broken…
I was wondering if anyone knew of a method that I could ask Allah for illumination on a matter hidden from me but not like as in an istikhara where it is more of a decision-making effort. This has to do with me asking for some information I have no way of knowing with certainty other than through God’s will and grace. Can anyone point me out to such a dua? Also this is not concerning the future but rather the past and present.
Excellent read masha’Allah — Jazaki Allahu Khyrun for this <3
Greetings from Ethiopia! 😉
Jazak Allahu Khairun for this article masha’Allah its a very good one. i really needed this. I am going through a really hard time and I request all to pray for me so that I can get peace.
I was in a relationship for almost 4 years now, and we have broken up a few times in between and gotten back together. we broke up about 6 months ago, and I have honestly been struggling so much. I know we are not right for each other becuase there is so many signs that point out to this, we are so different in some things and argue alot. we obviously love each other alot. i think i love him more then he loves me. but i am stuggling so much to let go and move on. i just hope this pain will ease off and that Allah will connect me with someone else who will help me forget about him and this pain.
Thank you for such a motivating article on finding a soulmate. It’s really beautiful and thanks for sharing the lovely du’a s which I am sooo going to try.
JazakAllah u khairan. This article should reach to every muslim who is desparately looking to get married. And those who suffered depression after refusals.
How can the writer use the word ‘marriage’ for Allah, and hook up?
Believe it or not, being single is liberating. It is much better than being in a haram relationship. Ask yourself, how many times do you actually feel truly happy indulging in a sinful relationship? I guess if one is really honest and sincere to be with a girl, he will make it halal. I was in a 5-year relationship which ended badly. I learnt my lesson, and I do not wish for any other Muslims to be in my situation. A friend of mine just got divorced recently only after a year of marriage. They were in relationship for almost 8 years prior to marriage. Everyone was saying they they were a couple made in heaven etc but looking at what happened to them recently has really taught me a great lesson. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships take you nowhere. I agree that you should constantly supplicate to Allah, and ask Him to bless us with a righteous spouse. But above all, what everyone should really do is to better oneself before thinking about getting married. It takes more than a romantic relationship to build a family.
Great article however the problem with getting married now a days is that no one is willing to sacrifice. If there is anything ISLAM teaches us is that we need to be moderate in everything we do. This is also what our prophet (PBUH) told us. Moderation. Now I am not saying everyone is like that but we have sisters that take religion too far and also end up mixing the western teachings along with it. To each their own but a husband wants a wife that can be the teacher of their children. I don’t know about you all but I learned all about Islam from my mother. We want a wife that does no neglect our needs and is willing to do whatever it takes to please the husband. Now I do not mean that in a negative way and for some reason this is always taken out of context especially this day and age we live in. The divorce rate is rising as we speak and the reason for that is no one is willing to make sacrifices. How can you neglect your family to strengthen your relationship with ALLAH. Tending to your family is a great form of worship. And for the husbands…well all the husbands want a victoria secret (pardon me) model with a hijab? are you serious? look at yourself in the mirror and see if you truly deserve someone like that. As a husband your job is to be there for all kinds of support (financial, emotional, physical, etc). Guys need to get that selfishness out as well. At the end, it is all about sacrifice which unfortunately is fading away because the media and our surroundings teach us the opposite. We take what pleases us from the Quran and always use quotes from the great scholars to defend ourselves when all we really need to do is become more lenient. How is a quote from the Quran or a scholar going to help in an argument…chances are it will make things worst so brothers and sisters please learn to let go and look for someone that is willing to make sacrifices.
[…] whether they may be cultural, ethnic, educational or age, with sincerity and good intentions if you hook up with Allah, Allah will hook you up as Maryam previously […]
Great article 🙂
For a reality check, do the good looking ones have to go through this?
This article is also a great encouragement for the youth who are struggling with lowering their gazes and avoiding forbidden contact with the opposite gender.
No doubt the fitnah of the opposite gender is a serious and nerve wrecking test for the practicing youth.Sometimes only you know and Allah knows that what havocs you are going through in this regard.Physical or emotional. At such weak moments, if you fail to believe that Allah SWT is completely appreciating, accepting and rewarding your struggle,you can easily loose motivation and get disappointed or even let go your struggle in worse case scenario.
Bravo for the article !
Great Article MashaAllah..