Overcoming Hardships Reflections

I’m So Not Worth Anything

By Ibn Siddique

It was a beautiful moonlit, starless night. I gazed out of the window and breathed in deeply. It all seemed so peaceful, but yet, the turmoil within me seemed to be raging harder than ever. I had a sudden urge to jump and just let go. Let go of my worries, my problems, my life…

I’m so not worth anything.

Sometimes I feel like my family thinks I was only a nuisance…and I don’t blame them. After all, they have to pay for my food, pay for my school, and pay for my clothes. I feel like my friends don’t really like me, and I don’t blame them either. After all, it’s not like anything is really special about my personality…

I’m so not worth anything.

Why am I still on this Earth? I wish I could just end everyone’s torment by disappearing. Yes, that would be enjoyable… disappearing to a land in the middle of the desert, or on an island in the middle of an ocean where I wouldn’t be bothering anybody. Or I could just leave this world altogether…

I’m so not worth anything.

Things might have been better if I had not been born. My parents would have more to spend on themselves. My teachers would have one less person to scold. My classmates would have more time to spend chillin’ instead of rolling their eyes at me. My future wife would be just as happy or more with another man. Perhaps it would be better if I stopped intruding into other’s lives altogether. Perhaps it would be better if I simply stopped living…

I’m so not worth anything.

Suddenly two hands enveloped my eyes from behind me, and a voice giggled and cried out, “Who is it?!”

I wasn’t amused. I shoved the hands away in annoyance.

“Get away from me Sara. Go back to your room.” It was my little sister, up to her usual antics.

“But why, Bhaiya (brother)? You didn’t spend any time with me the whole day!”

“Sara, I told you once. Go away!”

She pouted her lips and stubbornly said, “No! I won’t go until you come with me. Come on!” She began to tug at my arms, willing for me to come with her.

I once more shoved her arms to the side and looked at her furiously.

“Sara, get out. NOW!” I bellowed. I was incensed that she disturbed me while I was so deeply immersed in my important thoughts. I continued to glare at her until she silently trudged out of the room.

“Little sisters, they’re so annoying!” I fumed to no one in particular. I looked out of the window into the moonlit sky again, and once more began to immerse myself in my life-or-death thoughts…

I began to imagine how everybody would react if they found my body dead tomorrow. Familiar faces floated through my memories as I tried to imagine their faces in shock, not able to comprehend that I was no longer alive. I felt tears slowly well up in my eyes, as I realized that those moments of sadness, if it even happened, would quickly become a distant memory. The whole world was bound to forget me within just a few days of my death. Sure, my parents would have something to discuss for a week or two, but as death quickly becomes a stale topic of conversation for everyone, they would quickly move on to more riveting and current topics. I would lie in my grave, completely forgotten by the community around me.

I looked out at the starless sky, and wished that I could just end the torment.

I’m so not worth anything

My trail of depression broke again as I felt a small card slipped into my hand. I turned around and saw my young sister again, but she now had tears rolling down from her little red, swollen eyes. She didn’t dare look up at me, but looked down, gazing intently at the card that was now in my hand. Agitated, I sighed and slowly unfolded the card.

Inside, in scrawly handwriting, it read:

“Dear Bhaiya,

I’m sorry that I made you mad. Will you forgive me?

– Sara.”

Man, did I feel horrible. Snapped out of my selfishness, I decided to make it up to her. I picked her up, hugged her tightly, and then began to tickle her neck, which always makes her explode into laughter. Her eyes brightened, and she began to smile wide once more. I let her down, and told her quietly, “Sorry for not being nice to you before. I’m not mad at you. I’m just… not feeling well today. Okay?”

She looked up, concerned, and asked softly, “Bhaiya, are you upset? Ammi (mother) said to remember that Allah loves us when we get upset. I think that will make you more happy.”

I managed to give her a weak smile and said, “Yeah, thank you, Sara… Now you go along and play. I’ll spend time with you tomorrow when I feel better, promise.” She beamed as she heard this and traipsed out of the room, already lost in another innocent world. I smiled as I watched her leave the room, and then turned back to the window, willing myself to return to my deep, dark thoughts.

Alas, it was to no avail. Her words, “Allah loves you,” was like a fresh breath of air that cleared my stressed mind of all those heavy thoughts. I whispered the statement over and over, trying to connect the meaning. Allah loves you. Allah loves you? Allah loves me? Subhan’Allah (glory be to Allah), I had totally forgotten to remember Allah in my thoughts! My family, friends, teachers, and relatives had all readily come to mind, but I had forgotten the most important source, my Creator.

I remembered a book that my mother had recently given to me as a gift entitled, “Remember Allah and He will remember you” and quickly picked it out from my bookshelf and read through it. As I began to sift through the pages, reminders kept hitting me: “Your friend is only Allah, His Messenger, and those who believe: those who perform prayer, give alms, and bow [in prayer].” (Qur’an, 5:55). Subhan’Allah, I reflected: Allah is directly telling every single one of us that He is always our friend and supporter.

I am somebody. I am of the Ummah of Muhammad ﷺ. I am of the religion of Allah.

As I continued on reading the book, I couldn’t stop uttering, “Subhan’Allah.” I froze when I came across the following words:

“If Allah loves a person, He calls Jibreel saying, ’Allah loves so and so; Oh Jibreel, love him. And make an announcement amongst the inhabitants of the heaven, Allah loves so and so therefore you should love him also’, and so all the inhabitants of the heaven would love him, and then he is granted (all) the pleasures of the people on the earth.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Oh Allah! What more could I ever want?! My own Lord mentioning my name – uttering Himself that He loves me! Not only that, but the people in Heaven and Earth will even love me because of Allah? What more could I ever want? Tears began to swell in my eyes as I began to imagine the righteous scholars of the past that must have earned and deserved this high honor. I began to desperately wish and pray that I would be included amongst these people too. I wanted to be worth Allah’s love.

I am somebody. I am a Muslim, a believer and servant of Allah, al-Wadood, the Loving.

“Allah said, ‘O son of Adam! If you mention Me to yourself, I will mention you to Myself. If you mention Me in a gathering, I will mention you in a gathering of the angels (or in a better gathering). If you draw closer to Me by a hand span, I will draw closer to you by forearm’s length. If you draw closer to Me by a forearm’s length, I will draw closer to you by an arm’s length. And if you come to Me walking, I will come to you running” (Bukhari)

I had to lift myself out of feeling worthless. I looked upwards, “Oh Allah, I am turning to You. I had to value my existence because Allah valued me; Oh Allah, please forgive all of my previous sins and allow me to earn Your Pleasure. Oh Allah…”

My dark thoughts tried rushing back into my mind, but they no longer carried the impact and weight as before. It’s true that my heart had habituated the lulling thoughts of depression and suicide, but I realized that this was from Shaytan. He wanted to convince me that I was nobody and so not worth anything. However, I now realize that Allah has given me worth and set a bar to reach, to attain His love. And even when I see that I am truly nobody in this world, it means that I have nothing to lose and everything to give to all those around me. I am at a low point because now I can aim higher.

Let my “friends” laugh at me. Let my teachers sigh at me. Let the world discourage me.

I won’t mind as long as I have Allah to depend on when I’m weak.

I am never forgotten if I remember Allah.

I am somebody.

“I am a Muslim and I don’t walk alone.
I fear no-one except the One above the Throne.” – Imam Safi Khan

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  • As salamu alaykum,

    This kind of feeling that comes to us during adolescence can come across in life anytime when we are down, when we are growing up we are very vulnerable because we are building up our being and the need of strong pillars and a firm basement comes to surface at hard times, Alhamdulillah, family is a great supporter even when is rejected at that time, because all that we have heard during our life to this time of darkness, still there, and when we need it appears in front of our eyes, we are sensitive to what we know, even when it is subconscious knowledge. It is so important to talk to our children about Allah, to be with them, to listen to them, to prepare them while they listen to us, to make them sure that they can count on us under any circumstance, to give them tools that during hard times hold them close to Allah, …. unconditional love and respect as the other day mention in an article in this website, and, of course, remembering that it is a process of changing and deserves all our respect because they are evolving their own and unique being, through all the veils that this life puts on us since we are conceived,… thank you very much for sharing. I wrote this poem last year, I would like to share it with you.

    I am Nothing,
    and You make me
    feel Something.

    I am Noone,
    and You make me
    feel Someone.

    You get close to me,
    slowly and silently,
    whisper in my ear,
    Your Name,
    and when You do it,
    I acquire shape,
    continent and content.

    You create me
    from Nothing,
    and You convert me
    in Someone,
    You blow in me,
    Breath of Life
    and with the crying
    I greet the World,…

    I shout Your Name.

  • Jazakkalhu Khayr for this uplifing and beautiful story. So many people feel like this, including myself, at one or more times in their life and especially in the societies we live in. We forget we feel like this because we have drawn away from Allah SWT and that the only way to feel whole and loved is to turn back to Him SWT. Jazakallahu khayr for reminding us of the most important love, the love of al-Wadud.
    May Allah SWT bless us, have mercy on us and make us of those whom He loves. Aameen.

  • Suicide, like depression, is a seldom-addressed issue that is present among Muslim youth today. Arif’s artice acknowledges the problem and offers a solution to any reader suffering from such a state. Well done.

  • Assalamualaikum..

    I’m feeling exactly like u before I read this articles.I always feel like my mom hates me.Because I’m lazy,n disobey her..I’m doing this because I want 2 seek her attention..My great-grandmother(81 this year)raised my sister n me when we were still around 3-4 years old.So,my relationship with my mother is like a “boss n his worker”.But my sister,she good at attracting my mom’s attention.
    But after read ur articles,I realised that I was born 2 this world as a Calif..

  • Assalamualaikum,

    Subahanallah… I know exactly the feeling! I feel like my life has no purpose, my friends are fading away, my problems keeps coming, everything that i do has a negative impact, the people whom i trusted are ignoring me, and i even shut myself from the world and still no one came and look for me, and the though of death/killing myself were there… then once i asked Allah to forgive of my sins, help me forget about these stuffs, and suddenly my heart feels soooo light… the problems just fade away… and now alhamduillah… whenever im faced with problems I take no notice about it… i just let it slip away… i let my friends ignoring me disappear, because now im surrounded with people who really cares about me, and I keep on reminding my nieces and nephews about Allah and the stories of our prophets. And always i keep reminding myself that whenever bad things happen, it happen because it was my fault, its a reminder, and its telling me how i need to keep remembering Allah every second/minute/hours/days/months/years until I died.

  • The solution to all our problems and worries is GRATITUDE. Always give thanks.I believe if we focus our thoughts on things and events that we feel happy about, we will reap more of these and be always happy. I had the same thoughts like you but this site http://www.finerminds.com changed them. The book “As a man thinketh” by J Allen also helped me. These sources are more user-friendly. You should be really grateful for having such a sweet little sister.

  • Wow, i think this story helped me alot. I could not help but think that this is me, EXACTLY ME. And, i am not alone. And the message conveyed in this short story, is beautiful. We tend to forget our lord, who essentially is our only friend. You have penned this story so beautifully.
    May Allah guide all of us to the right path.

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