Before Marriage Spouse

Successful Marriages: Part IV

Lecture by Suhaib Webb | Transcribed by Fuseina Mohamad

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV

Problem Number Four: Getting Married and Leaving the Community

The fourth is falling into the trap of being a young professional and leaving the community.  Before we get married we’re active.

One brother asked one time, one of the  brothers – I   became Muslim through him, he’s about 70 masha’Allah – somebody asked him, “Akhi that brother used to be at Fajr every day – what happened?”

He said, “Family life, man.” He didn’t mean it in a negative way. He said, “Jobs and family.”

So we have to be very careful as young professionals in the community that we don’t allow ourselves to be swallowed up in the sweetness of marriage and forget the bitterness of MCA (Muslim Community Association).  It’s bitter, but there’s sweetness here too.  So being a young professional and being a newlywed you have all types of freedom, [thinking] “Yeah, man, I got it going on now!” But you have a responsibility as a young couple to contribute to the community and be part of the community because the community needs a lot of help and a lot of assistance.

Problem Number Five: Contempt

The last point, and I’ll stop insha’Allah, is the idea of contempt.  We don’t hold our family like a court of law where people are held into contempt and sent to prison – this goes back to forgiveness.  I know brothers who told me that their wives bring up stuff that they did on their wedding night; the brother’s been married for thirty years.  She would tell him, “You forgot to open the door.” What are you talking about?  We forget things like that, right?  We’re not analytical like women.  “You forgot to open the door for me.”

In the Qur’an Allah exonerated or offered exoneration to Abu Sufyan and Hind – the people who maligned the body of Hamza (ra).   Fa means what?  Quickness.  So Allah said about them if they repent to Allah and establish prayer and pay zakah: fa ikhwanukum fiddeen, then they will be your brothers in religion.  And He used fa, He didn’t say wa (and).  Why did he say fa?  `Alatool, as we say in Egypt – immediately.  If they do that, they are your brothers and sisters.  Who?  Abu Sufyan and Hind! Look at the forgiveness Allah afforded these enemies of Allah and His Messenger, [yet we] cannot afford to give the offer of forgiveness to my wife and to my husband?

Those five important things are what they call pitfalls in marriage and they said around sixty-five percent of people who hold issues in their heart [and] don’t sit down, and talk about them, and forgive each other, they end up having massive crises in their marriage.

About the author

Suhaib Webb

Suhaib Webb

Suhaib Webb is a contemporary American-Muslim educator, activist, and lecturer. His work bridges classical and contemporary Islamic thought, addressing issues of cultural, social and political relevance to Muslims in the West. After converting to Islam in 1992, Webb left his career in the music industry to pursue his passion in education. He earned a Bachelor’s in Education from the University of Central Oklahoma and received intensive private training in the Islamic Sciences under a renowned Muslim Scholar of Senegalese descent. Webb was hired as the Imam at the Islamic Society of Greater Oklahoma City, where he gave khutbas (sermons), taught religious classes, and provided counselling to families and young people; he also served as an Imam and resident scholar in communities across the U.S.

From 2004-2010, Suhaib Webb studied at the world’s preeminent Islamic institution of learning, Al-Azhar University, in the College of Shari`ah. During this time, after several years of studying the Arabic Language and the Islamic legal tradition, he also served as the head of the English Translation Department at Dar al-Ifta al-Misriyyah.

Outside of his studies at Al-Azhar, Suhaib Webb completed the memorization of the Quran in the city of Makkah, Saudi Arabia. He has been granted numerous traditional teaching licenses (ijazat), adhering to centuries-old Islamic scholarly practice of ensuring the highest standards of scholarship. Webb was named one of the 500 Most Influential Muslims in the World by the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center in 2010.


  • Salam Sheikh
    Jazak Allah khariun for wonderful and important lecture.

    You are so right about contempt- but how do you remove it from your heart when small things have happened (or happing) which hurt you ? A person might not be saying/complain about small things that happen to them(due to hadith that if you dont have anything good to say then dont say or letting it go to please Allah swt) but it stays in heart ?

  • perhaps sitting down and talking about those things–in a respectfull manner?

    Also–something that was mention in the Fiqh of Love class here in Houston by Shaikh Waleed basyouni was to actually list all the good things the person has done for you. Then when you see the whopping list…those small things that you carry in your heart wont really have much weight.

    make a list of why you fell in love with the person in the first place…its sure to remind you and help you over look the small things that tend to build up.

    “holding a grudge is like swallowing poison and hoping someone else will die”

  • Is the video to this lecture available anywhere? I’ve tried looking on Sheikh’s youtube channel but didn’t see it there nor in the media section on this site.

    JazakAllah khair!

Leave a Reply to Successful Marriages: Part III X